The Chad Medal - Week 12 Nominations

• Bruce McAvaney – for his “Tim Lane” moment during the Port v Richmond game. After Port meathead Dean Brogan took a mark 40 metres out from goal, Bruce said confidently, “Brogan is too far out to score.” Brogan then went back and slammed the ball through for an easy goal. Good call, Bruce, ya fuckwit.
• The Reverend Fred Nile – for downloading porn from his Parliamentary office computer over 200,000 times. So it took Fred 200,000 times to work out that he is offended by porn??? No wonder the office cleaner has been complaining about having to clean Fred’s office – we just thought she objected because he is a complete moron. By the way, who votes for this fuckwit?
• Tony Abbott – for using Paul Hogan’s accountant to do his policy costings.
• The 3 independents – for costing taxpayer’s $30 million a day because they can’t choose who they want to sleep with, Tony or Julia? I smell a new TV show. Dust off Greg Evans for a new series of Perfect Match – I’m sure fucking Dexter could figure out who to choose.
• Bert Newton - for his “hair”. Mr Haggle wants his rug back, Bert.
• Bert and Patty Newton – for starring in a new version of The Omen. In this version, Bert and Patty give birth to the devil child, Damian, played convincingly by Matthew Newton.
• Matthew Knights – for stating that he would like to coach again. Who is he kidding? 3 clubs, 3 massive failures along with the hatred of 400,000 Port Adelaide supporters (are there 400,000 Port supporters?) and 1 million Bombers supporters. Who else does he want to fuck over before he’s done with his path of destruction? Surely a Chad Medal beckons? Or a career in comedy or as the leader of the Labor party?
• Nameless White Maggot – in the Under 12 elimination final between Payneham Norwood and Broadview this white maggot paid double 25 metre penalty because the Payneham ruckman (who shall remain nameless!) yelled “oh come on” at the maggot after another unwarranted free kick. The maggot was a stand out in the fuckwit stakes right from the first bounce due to his self induced wedgie and shaved streaks in his hair. Needless to say Broadview kicked a goal and won the game by 4 points from the penalty.
• Unnamed Payneham Norwood U12 Ruckman – for not realising previously mentioned white maggot was a gay Scott McLaren wannabe attempting to have people believe he knew something about Aussie Rules when he was clearly the prototype Soccer referee, minus the yellow and red cards. The unnamed player (let’s call him Brett Jr) should have known better after his parents warned him not to tell the umpire what he really thought of him. He ignored those warnings, therefore a Chad nomination is warranted, no matter how justified it was telling the maggot that he should go forth and multiply with like-minded whistle carrying pillow biters.
• Pakistan cricket team – for continuing to honour the memory of Hansie Cronje.
• Sturt supporters – yet another nomination. Same old reason – for supporting a bunch of powder blue pillows.
• Brian Taylor – for being as funny as a bout of genital warts.
• Liam Pickering – for being a smarmier, sleazier version of Ricky (Rick with a silent P) Nixon. I didn’t think it was possible to be smarmier and sleazier than Nixon.
• John Worsfold – for being the world’s dumbest Pharmacist. Hey, John, when Ben told ya he was using white powder he didn’t mean that it was Johnson’s Baby Powder to help with his chaffing.
• The Crows 19th man – a second nomination. Can’t the Gold Coast offer that fuckwit big bucks to move up there?
• Chilean mine rescuers – no urgency fellas, the miners have plenty of things to do until Christmas while they are stuck down that damp, dark hole. Perhaps a game of murder in the dark? Hide and seek?
• Adrian Anderson – for once again defending a ridiculous AFL policy – this time the drugs policy. Ok, so Hawthorn’s Travis Tuck was using drugs to cope with depression. Hmmm, isn’t Hawthorn president Jeff Kennett head of Beyond Blue, the organisation to support people with depression? Hmmm, nah, letting Jeff know wouldn’t help Travis, let’s give him two more chances to get caught so we can then go public with his drug use and humiliate him – yeah, Adrian, you fuckwit, that’s really helped Travis with his depression.
• The police who shot and killed a bloke who held the Discovery Channel hostage in protest against their programs. Hey, before you killed the bloke, you could have sent him to Channel 9 studios around 6.30pm on weeknights – and asked for a bloke named Tracey Grimshaw.
• Australian tennis – for being a complete and utter debacle. We’ve had one good player in the past 20 years – Ley Ley. And everyone apart from Tyson and Mandy Edwards, Graham Cornes and Ley Ley himself, hate his guts. Apparently, they are looking for a new head coach. Hey, Matty Knights, you still want to coach, don’t you?
• Victorian judge Marilyn Harbison – for not sending cross-dressing and effeminate Jayke Baldwin to jail for killing his girlfriend when he lost control of his car and hit a tree when speeding because "(There is) a significant danger ... that he will be targeted by prisoners of his own age and subjected to physical attacks, even in the youth unit of prison”. There are a couple of points to make. Firstly, I didn’t think prison was supposed to be a fucking holiday camp. And secondly, the fact that he is an effeminate cross-dresser strongly suggests he is a Sturt supporter so a jail sentence should be mandatory.
• Essendon supporters – for continuing to hold-out hope that the Messiah, James Hird, will coach Essendon. Get over it, move on – James does not have the kahunas to take on the job. Their last two coaches have come from Richmond, so it is highly likely that will go to the Tigers well again – names mentioned include tough nuts like Wayne Campbell, Jordan McMahon and Joel Bowden.
• Conan O’Brien – for being extremely creative in calling his new show “Conan”. Apparently, the reason why Rove didn’t make it in the US is because TV execs didn’t like the name of his self-titled show, “Fuckwit”.
• Pakistan wicket-keeper, Kamran Akmal – he was cleared of match-fixing by Pakistan officials. They must have decided that all those dropped catches and missed stumpings meant he is just a really, really crap wicket-keeper. Even worse than Greg Dyer.
• Qld Premier Anna Bligh – for starting a campaign to bring Ellen DeGeneres to Australia. For fuck sake, shouldn’t you just concentrate on running the state? And I reckon you would get more votes if you started a campaign to have her fucking annoying show taken off air. Or perhaps sending Lehmo to the US.
• Julia Gillard – for not giving up her citizen’s assembly idea. Yeah, Julia, it was a really great idea, the public loved that idea soooo much that they voted for the Greens instead of you. Did you not learn a thing???
• The hiker on Washington's Blewett Pass who shot himself in the backside when he put a handgun in his back pocket. Lucky the prick didn’t put it in his front pocket otherwise he could have become an instant Sturt footballer ie no balls.
• Adelaide Crows – for allowing Trent Hentschel to ride in the same car as Andrew McLeod. McLeod is a 300 game dual premiership player and Norm Smith Medallist. Hentschel is a just another Woodville West Torrens clown pretending to be a footballer.
• The journo who accused Tottenham manager, Harry Redknapp of being a “wheeler and dealer”. Harry replied abruptly, "No, fuck off. I'm not a wheeler and dealer, fuck off. I've not made my name as a wheeler and dealer, don't say that. I'm a fucking football manager." Apparently, when the journo then asked him if he thought Matty Knights should coach again, Harry replied, “Fuck off. He’s a fuckwit.”
• Paris Hilton - money can buy you most things, but not an IQ.
• Damon T Dana - the wanna be action star who broke into Sylvester Stallone's home and punched out Sly's pet pit bull terrier. Sounds like the script for Rocky 7.
• The ICC (International Cheating Cunts) - isn't it about time you banished Pakistan from international cricket for good or does money talk?