Week 16 winner

Two fuckwits stood out among the many fuckwit performances this week. 

Firstly, to the Chad runner-up, Peter "Golden" Slipper.  Where do you start with this arsehole?  Not only is he a fucking turn-coat who likes to dress up as a fucking ponce in Parliament, but it turns out the prick also likes to take a regular ride on the marmite motorway with his male advisers - wonder if his wife knew this when she married the sick fuck?  Order, will the member for Fisher please bend over.  Throw in in the fact that the cunt loves to pay for a taxi, even when he isn't catching one, adds up to the awarding of the Eugene to this sleazbag.   

So now to the winner of this week's Chad - Mathew Newton.  The win should come as no surprise to anyone.  He is a past winner of the award and a genuine superstar in the fuckwit stakes.  He is the Black Caviar of the Chad, a complete fuckwit who just keeps on getting better and better as time goes on.  While other fuckwits come and go, like cocks in Bingle's gob, Matty Newton lifts his game to a whole new level. The dust had barely settled on his superb efforts in a Miami nightclub which saw him charged with various offences, when the dickhead spat at and then punched a hotel concierge all because his fucking mobile phone dropped out.  Poor, Matty - did you get cut off from your coke dealer?  All this was caught on camera and will surely take home first prize in this year's Funniest Home Video.  It was bloody hilarious to see the fucker barefoot and in a pair of tracky dacks, lying down on the floor next to his victim.  And even funnier when he got arrested.  Surely, Matty can't avoid time in the slammer this time.  Big Bubba awaits.  Obviously, dad Bert has sold his merkin to pay for court costs because when old Moonface appeared on camera soon after his son's arrest, his mostly bald head looked like it was sprouting a fucking weed on top -  a fair dinkum dick with ears. Matty's supporters will no doubt say he has an illness.  He has an illness alright - it's called punchy-fucking-itis.  When things don't go his way, Matty loves to sort things out with his dukes, but only with females, 60 year-old taxi drivers, and defenceless hotel workers.  Funny,  I have never heard of Matty thumping any blokes in his own weight and age division.  Oh, but he has an illness.  Yeah, right, an illness that only raises it's head when the person he is belting his weaker than himself.  A selected fucking illness.  So one can only hope all this bulllshit stops and he is shown for what he really is - a spoilt little rich cowardly cunt who goes the knuckle when he doesn't get his own way.  So Matty, please accept another Chad Medal, maybe you can do a Cher and put one of your medals on E-bay to raise some cash to pay for your upcoming court cases. 

Summer Series Week 16 Nominees

• The Chad Editor and Laurie Holden - it's autumn now, ya dickheads, and why has week 16 been going for 3 weeks?

• Peter Slipper - for wanting to "sink the slipper" into one of his young male advisers.  The cunt gives new meaning to "Golden Slipper".
• Julia Gillard and Wayne Swan - for sayng it is too early to judge Peter Slipper.  Bullshit, it's not too early to decide that he's a cunt.
• Adelaide petrol prices - at record levels despite the price of oil being lower than when the previous record was set.  Fuck you, Coles and Woolies.
• Shannon - the 20 year-old woman from the US who is addicted to drinking petrol.  Thank fuck for her sake she doesn't live in Adelaide.
• Adelaide Oval bridge - fair dinkum, ya reckon they might be able to go a few metres more and have the bridge cross War Memorial Drive.  A fucking typical half-arsed Adelaide development.
• The Voice, Dancing With The Stars, Australia's Got Talent, Celebrity Apprentice - all are vehicles for c-grade Australian celebrities and talent-less, washed-up overseas cunts like Seal (where is a Canadian hunter with a dirty great big club when you need one). 
• One Direction - where is a Canadian hunter with a dirty great big club when you need one.
• Anthony Lee - the Brisbane father of six broke down in tears when his daughter met One Direction.  For fuck sake, you cockhead, I broke down in tears when my daughter asked me to download the One Direction album. 
•  New Zealand journalists, Jock Anderson and Josie McNaught - for describing Australian soldiers as "lazy bludgers".  Fuck off, wankers.  While our blokes were in the trenches yours would have been too busy fucking sheep.  And talking like deadset retards.  Jock, you are a cock and Josie, fuck off back to the Pussycats.
• Adelaide food outlets - for serving up such culinary delights as "glass in a sandwich", "maggots in a bread roll", and a "rats in the kitchen".  Fries with that, anyone?
• SANFL umpires - for continuing to give charity to the Woodville Spastic Centre Eagles.  Despite both Norwood and North Adelaide thrashing the cunts by 15 goals, the umpires still gave the arseholes more free kicks. 
• Spicks and Specks - if it wasn't for you, Greg Ham would still be singing Down Under rather than Six Feet Under.
• Robin Gibb - the whiny cunt is having trouble, uh, uh, uh, uh, Stayin Alive, Stayin Alive.
• Anders Breivik - the voices in his head told him "don't do it".  Listen to those voices next time, fuckhead.  Do you reckon you might hear the voices of the firing squad when they say,"fire"?
• Eddie McGuire - do you want ya dummy back, ya tripled chinned cunt?
• The Logies - winning the NAB cup has more relevance
• Mathew Newton - how many chances, dickhead?
• Ben Cousins - see Mathew Newton.
• The Crows - it is all going to come unstuck very shortly.  You have beaten GWS, Gold Coast and Western Bulldogs and Mypolonga B-grade.
• Carlton - obviously started listening to their own hype.  Don't believe the hype.
• Michael Clarke - for his article in the Sunday Mail, "Why I am a gambler".  Can't wait for part 2 next, "Why I am a cockhead".
• Li - the Chinese father who buried his son alive for not doing his homework.  Jesus, what would he do if his daughter refused to wash the dishes??
• Mike Tyson - has alleged that he got a female prison guard pregnant while he was in jail.  The guard in question, Joan "The Freak" Ferguson ( who incidentally looks a dead ringer for Peter Slippers missus ), has denied the claims.
• BrettC16flags - Adelaide's most vocal Bombers supporter failed to pick them in this week's footy tipping competition against Carlton.  Chad!!
• Ninmsn - for their enlightening question, "who is the richest - Jay Z or P Diddy?"  Or more apt question would be, "who is the biggest cockhead?"
• A-League - who gives a shit?
• Apple, Google and Pixar - for being sued for colluding to keep staff salaries low.  I googled "cunt" and Google was the top search result.  I can't wait for the new ICunt from Apple and Pixar's new film, Cunt Story 4.
• Marie Harris - 30 year-old mother of 8 who died from a heart attack.  Her partner is blaming  Coca Cola for her death because she regularly drank 10 litres of Coke per day.  No shit sherlock.  But I'd say it was her absolute stupity that caused her death.  She was consuming the equivalent of a kilogram of sugar per day.  No surprises to find she is from New Zealand.
• Anders Holmdahl - is going to court to appeal against compulsory voting. Anders ( Jarryd) said that of the 8 countries he's lived in he's only had to vote in two. Funny how this fuckwit has lived in 8 different countries, they findout you're a fuckwit and deport you? We've already exceeded our quota, Gillard, Abbot, Swan, Hockey just to name a few. If you don't like the way we run our country FUCK OFF. Ok fuckhead, whilst we're at it lets hold a voluntary referendum - who thinks Anders Holmdahl should be sent to Afghanistan wearing a tshirt saying 'The Taliban love cock'?
• Coronation Street - yeah it's still going, it's older than Susan Boyle's beef curtains. Apparently a 14yr old girl bashed her mum to death after seeing it on Corro. I think the most disturbing thing about this story is that a 14 yr old is watching that shit, Coronation Street is designed to appeal to one demographic only - grizzled, piss stained old cunts who think Sir Alf Ramsey should still be England manager and that Paul McCartney fellow is nothing but a scruffy scallywag.
• Andrew Demetriou - what's good for the goose is good for the gander right? Dead fucken wrong, after hanging Matt Rendell out by his nuts for a misinterpreted quote Wogboy has defended his useless cunt of a sidekick Jason "deepthroat" Mifsud for letting his mate Grant Thomas know about some supposed info he was told in confidence by a Melbourne player relating to racial discrimination at the club. Isn't this the same prick that squealed on Rendell and got that wrong too? But this prick keeps his job, ya want to know why he survived and Rendell got the chop - check out their skin colour.
• Alcoholics Anonymous - At their recent National Conference Gala Dinner served piss. Coincidentally on the same night the Annual Sexpo Conference Gala Dinner was held with Georgie McGuinness as MC.
• The Australian Federal Govt - have still not paid up entitlements to Aussie diggers who formed part of the occupying force in Hiroshima post WW2. 90% of the poor cunts that have died have died of cancer. Now ya don't have to be a fucken rocket surgeon to work out what caused that so why have Government after Government, both Labor and Liberal, not paid them their dues? Pay up you cunts.
• Mitchell Johnson - ya wonder why he can't get a gig in the Aussie cricket team, check out the recent Betts and Betts catalogue, he's spending more time dressing up like Tom Hanks in 'Philadelphia' than learning how to get the ball on the fucken pitch. The only cunt that thought there wasn't anything wrong with him dressing up like an AIDS riddled poof was Molly Meldrum, and even he stuck Nick Reiwoldts head over Johnsons whilst having a few 'Tom Hanks'.
• The Property Council of Australia - have encouraged the Adelaide City Council to promote vibrant laneways in the city at night.. Get fucked, laneways in the city after dark are designed for spewing up 23 beers and a yiros, taking a piss, or getting a gobbie from that fat sheila you just picked up in a nightclub and don't want to take back to your joint.
• Reverend Martin McVeigh - Catholic Priest ( wonder where this is fucken going hey? ) who, whilst making presentations to parents on their kids upcoming first confession ended up showing a computer slideshow of gay porn. Martin said a mistake had been made and apologised to the parents and nephew Mark, who was featured in the video wearing nothing but his Essendon jumper.  
• Pakistani Courts - have sentenced Osama Bin Ladens three widows and two daughters to 45 days in jail for living illegally there and then plan to deport them after they get out. Lucky the yanks blew the old mans head off or they never would've found them.
• The Foxtel Cup - after watching a bit of West Perth trounce the Ken fucking McGregor led Ainslie in front on 14 people, I have come to the conclusion that it is indeed a wonderful competition that in no way makes you want to go to AFL house and club Andrew Demetriou like ( a baby) seal.
•  The Logies - If you ever needed confirmation that it's a bigger farce than a Cornes paternity test, that Hamish fucker won, he's as funny as the fucken carbon tax.
• The female Jabba the Hut impersonator at Etihad Stadium last week's game between St Kilda and the Western Bulldogs - they're trying to encourage the younger generation to get to the footy and this fucken horror ( picture this - 5ft nothing tall and ya couldn't tell where her guts ended and her tits started ) starts calling out to a young bloke 20 rows in front on her to turn around ( in hindsight The Chad Editor may not have helped when he yelled out "hey you in the beanie, I reckon that fat sheila back there wants to fuck ya, actually I'm not sure if she wants to fuck ya or eat ya but either way you're fucked mate ), forcing him to leave before the end of the game.
• The Suburb of Collingwood - if you're in Melbourne take the No.86 tram ( don't pay for the cunt though, no bastard does ) down Smith St in Collingwood. Take a stroll down the street and you'll see why some people should be drowned like kittens at birth. Cunts getting off trams and talking to shop windows and every third doorstep smelling like piss, that's gene's we don't need in the community.

Summer Series Week 15 Winner

The runner-up in the Chad and therefore recipient of this week's Eugene goes to Jason Akermanis for being an obnoxious cockhead. Here is an ode to Aker -

There once was a cunt called Aker

With dyed hair like a fucking fudge packer

He 's a fucking nob

And when he opens his gob

Shit flows like a steaming turd from a horse's clacker

The winner of The Chad Medal Summer Series this week is Ben Cousins. Fair dinkum what a peckerhead. Won a Brownlow, made shitloads of dough, had a lifestyle most of us could only dream of, and pissed it all away by becoming a fucking drug addict. Who can forget the pictures of Ben getting arrested by the coppers, funny stuff. Yet at the same time we were all thinking you fuckwit. And then he comes out in a docu(mocku?)mentary describing his battles with drugs and being a bonafide fuckwit. I never watched it but saw snippets on the news and my response was - yawn, isn't he dead or in jail yet, when does Family Guy start? Yet we were supposed to have sympathy for this cunt, because the demons had taken over him. Boo fucken hoo, everyone has choices in life, he chose to be a drug-fucked wanker. So be it, you made your choice, but don't expect my sympathy when your world comes crashing down around your fucking ears, which fuck me it did. But apparently I am in the minority because most people seemed to say "poor bugger, lets rally round him". Funny that if the same people saw some cunt that wasn't as well known as him in the same condition they'd turn their noses up at them isn't it? So most people believed that Ben had turned the corner, not fucken me, but most people. Then shock,horror, he fucked up again. Who could've seen that coming? But he wasn't just doing drugs, he was smuggling them up his arse for christsake to sell on to others. So now he's not just a druggie but a fucken dealer. Does he still deserve sympathy? Fuck no, he's nothing but a deadshit, and therefore the winner of the Chad Medal for this week. Ben, maybe you should change that tattoo you've got from "Such is Life" to "Such a Chad". As a tribute to the fallen star, The Chad Editor presents to you a slight rewording of the song 'Ben' by dead kiddy fiddler Michael Jackson -

Ben, time to show you the door

The juries in, you're just a dumb crack whore

Be it ice or methadone, just a Whitney Houston clone

And Ben it's plain to see, you're a bitch of the bikies

Ben, you've burnt bridges here and there (here and there)

Dumbcunt, you're not wanted anywhere (anywhere)

Look there's cops behind, to a paddywagon you're consigned

It's time for you to go, to a jail cell cheerio ( to get butt fucked cheerio)

You were a gun, once at footy

Now your cooked, on methamphetamine

(You don't get no sympathy)

(You're just a, fucken junkie)

Ben you had it all but threw it away (threw it away)

You stuffed some ice, up your fucken bombay (hershey highway)

Everyone sees you, as I do, know what you're gonna do

It's Mainwaring all over again, you're as good as toast Ben

Bye Ben

Bye Ben

Bye Ben