Winner Week 26

In response to the sheer number of fuckwits and nob jockeys invading the world, and this State in particular, the Auditor-General, Elle McPherson, was instructed to conduct an urgent inquiry. The report he prepared, "South Australia - A State of Fuckwits", was handed to Russell Wortley but the fucker can't read and so has he shelved the report, right next to the Burnside Council report and the Michelle Chantelois video. Luckily, the fuckwit report was leaked to Laurie Holden and what an explosive read it is. McPherson's conclusion is clear - this state's fuckwit quotient is growing quicker than Bernie Finnigan’s Disney movie collection. We have more fuckwits per capita than an Oakeshott family reunion. McPherson lays out in fine detail hundreds and hundreds of cases of fuckwit behaviour, from Mary Jo Fisher’s shop-lifting hokey pokey to Skeletor’s interminable fucking bullshit. He has two key recommendations for these fuckwits to consider very carefully – 1) shut the fuck up and 2) piss off.

His final recommendation was that the Adelaide Crows should be this week’s winner of the Chad Medal. Hard to argue with that one, Elle. If you thought Port Adelaide were fucking crap, well, you would be fucking spot on, but the Crows are even worse. Their performance on Friday night against Saint Kilda was THE most pathetic display of football I’ve ever seen, apart from Luke Jarrad’s entire career, and Glenelg’s finals record, and Robbie Gray’s work ethic, and Matty Lloyd’s diving, and Gerard Neesham’s coaching, and WWT eagles attempt to call themselves a football club, and Brett Staker’s inability to take a punch. If Channel 9 wants to justify their claim as the “home of comedy”, they should forget about Hamish and fucking Andy and just replay the Crows 103-point capitulation over and over again, and to top it off, show Bernie Vince’s half-time interview – comedy gold, my friends, comedy gold!

Apart from the sensational comedy value of the performance, another bonus was that Neil Craig/Craig David quit, or more accurately, was boned. Bye bye, Craigy, good riddance – thank christ it didn’t happen a week earlier, which would have given you and Charlie Walsh a chance to fuck-up Cadel’s Tour De France. Remember Shane Kelly’s pedal fuck-up at the 1996 Olympics when he was hot favourite to win – that had Neil Craig’s fingerprints all over it.

From someone who had to put up with five years of his shit when he coached Norwood, I can’t say I feel sorry for the cunt. Because that is what he is - a cunt. A squeaky-voiced, over-rated little cunt who tucks his fucking polo shirt in right up to his fucking armpits – no wonder ya voice is so fucking squeaky.

Let’s take a look at his achievements at the Crows – no grand finals, regularly choking in finals, recruitment of an array of pillows like Douglas, Vince, Reilly, Knights, Moran, Tambling, McKay, Henderson – no surprises that the AFL has to give them a hand-out, they have South Australia’s biggest power bill as all these pricks sleep with the light on. Craigy, you are a fucking goose – you did your best to fuck over one of your most talented players, Tex Walker, because he doesn’t tackle enough – well, how about you apply that theory to your skipper, the AFL’s worst leader, Nathan Van Berlo. The only thing he tackles with vigour is a can of hair gel. And don’t get me started on Bernie Vince – he’s the Michael Clarke of football, all froth and bubble and more intent on getting his head on telly than getting the hardball.

Craigy’s greatest achievement at the Crows has to be the introduction of the 19th man and the associated Minda Meter. There is nothing like going to a Crows game with 35,000 spastics who are deathly quiet throughout most of the game, sitting there nicely with their knitted rugs on their knees and their Crows butt plugs planted snugly up their arses. But when the Minda Meter kicks in, they all drop their thermoses and let out a massive retarded roar in unison - it is worse than the sound of a cow being slaughtered in an Indonesian abattoir. Crows supporters are without doubt the most ignorant dumbfuck supporters in the league, learn the rules you fuckwits and you might actually understand what you're fucking watching. You know it really shits me when these fuckwits say "well at least go for the Crows when they're playing Collingwood or Hawthorn". No I fucking don't. "Well why don't you go and live over there then". Well why don't you read a fucking rulebook and stop acting like a fuckhead. I went for a different team before the Cows came into the comp, why should I be a fucking sheep like the rest of you dumbfucks and just roll over because the rest of you fucking mindas have. Do you want to know why a lot of people can't stand the club - it's because of you fuckheaded ostrich cunts. Go and get fucked the lot of ya.

And what about the Crows management? Just take a look at the Board – it includes two of the biggest soft-cocks ever to play football - Andrew Payze and Stephen Trigg. Payze was an inaugural inductee into the Tontine Football Hall of Shame. It is no surprise to find out his nickname was “bandit”. Payze can only be described as a shadow of a man. Throughout his 300-plus game career he was consistently soft and displayed an uncanny knack of avoiding physical contents. He will go down in the history books as the most useless and feeble excuse for a footballer ever to play 300 league games – he makes Brent Stanton look like Jono Brown. For fucksake, the cunt’s favourite drink was a shandy in a pony glass. And then there is Crows Chief Arse Clown, Triggy. For those who don’t know, he played footy for Centrals before Neil Kerley arseholed him off to North Adelaide. Kerley described Trigg perfectly, “he stepped around the football field so carefully that you could put eggshells in his footy boots and not one would get broken during the game.” Trigg made an artform out of being a gutless wonder. Not once in his career did he bother the statistician in terms of hard-ball gets, shepherds, tackles or contested marks. However, he set a league record for attempted dry roots on opposition players. He was a heartless footballer who could always be relied upon to pull out of a contest. So it made absolute perfect sense for him to go on and coach Sturt – which he did quite effectively, leading them to the wooden spoon in his two years at the helm. Throw in the fact that he was also Senior School Master at St Peters College, a nursery for Adelaide’s elite nancy boys. Remember the interview you did at Elizabeth Oval after the GF loss in 1995 when you tried the old "it was a great effort to get there" bullshit when interviewing coach Alan Stewart, Triggy? The Chief Editor was there and he fucken does, and so did Stewie, he cut you down like the cunt you are. He said second best ain't good enough, and that's why the club has had success (not because of salary cap rorting as that greasy weasel Rucci implied). It doesn't accept second best, you however are happy to just be competitive, so you fit in well with Craigy. With a fuckhead who doesn't demand success and accepts nothing more is running the joint, it permeates through the club like a rancid fart through a pair of undies. Fish stinks from the head, and Triggy, you stink like Jenny Williams' poo-catchers after a 5km run.

So, as you can see, when you have got two bloody pillows running the show, it is no fucking wonder that they recruit shirt-lifters! And to make matters worse they also have a bloke who awards lucrative government contracts to his son-in-law and then gets the arse from Tourism SA, Bob Foord (the cunt can’t even spell Ford), and a failed politician who struts around with a carrot up his arse, Nigel Smart. Yep, the Crows are in great hands.

And how's their assistant coaches, jesus what a pack of arsefucks. You've got Matthew Clarke - played over 200 games and took 3 contested marks and pro-created with Ali Carle. Mark Bickley - a fucken weekend newsreader and now coach. Scott Camporeale - softcock who tried to act tough but was in fact softer than a 3 week old tomato and looks like he has a turd permanently under his beak. He made Matty Knights look good. And David Noble - couldn't even get the Bays to a position where they could throw away a finals series. There's as much quality there as in an expired keg of West End Draught.

And then there is the media that fawn over the Crows like fucking love-sick fucking sycophants. By far the worst offenders are Kym Dillon and Stephen Rowey. Rowey continues to defend the cunts, even when they display less heart than a Wizard of Oz character. It's never their fault is it Rowey, the planets aren't aligned, the AFL scheduling is against them, the umps have fucked em, it's too cold, too hot, their missus' are all having a visit from aunty flow at the same time, they've got more injuries than everyone else, the fengshui isn't right, it's raining, it's a pile of pissweak fucking excuses. State the facts you gibbering monkey, they're fucking shit and it's noone else's fault but their own for the predicament they find themselves in. But we aren't surprised, Rowey's bag of excuses would have got a decent run when he was an assistant coach at Glenelg, the team that got fucking thrashed by Centrals when they had 4 extra fit players on the field for over half of the game. And fucking Dillon, a man that couldn't match wits with a retarded little womble like Chris Dzelde. Those two clowns are always at the front of the Crows conga line of suckholes.

So it is with great pleasure that I accept the Auditor-General’s recommendation that the Adelaide Crows win this week’s Chad Medal. Enjoy it, it's the only thing silverware you fuckheads are going to win for a long time.Congratulations, this week’s game against the Power should be one for the ages. Actually, I think I’d rather watch a Hamish and Andy sketch.

Week 26 Nominations

• Graham Cornes - once again displayed his class by his jibbering about completely unfounded allegations of salary cap rorting by Central District. Isn't it funny that someone makes a joke about his missus and he cries like a little bitch, but he thinks it's fine to constantly slander a club and its supporters. Fucking cockhead.


• Michelangelo Rucci - continues to peddle his filth in the guise of journalism. His latest effort has him suggesting that Centrals have rorted the salary cap. Funny how he doesn't have any actual proof, the vendetta he has for the dogs is as clear as the grease stains on the cunts face. Ya just can't stand that a team has dominated the comp for years and it's not Port can you cunt. Go and get fucked.


• Derryn Hinch - must have been taking acting classes from Mem Fox, cause seeing him doing the old " oh it's been so stressful, pity me "look in the back of the car after his court appearance stunk of Mem's efforts cuddling kiddy fiddling husband Malcolm outside court a while ago. Didn't think they awarded Logies for radio you fuckwit.


• Jennifer Hawkins - her diet involves low salt, low carb, no booze. Now an A-grade bit of fur she might be, but fucken hell what does she eat -air? She'd be a fucken riot out at the pub, "and for the lady?", "um, I think I'll have a lettuce leaf and some non-carbonated water and side of dust".


• The Catholic Church - have rejected a call for religious confessions of child abuse to be passed on to the police. For fucksake, name em, shame em, and string the cunts up.


• Father Brian Lucas - in response to calls for confessions of child abuse to passed on to the cops said - "(the) proposal does nothing to protect children and flies in the face of a fundamental right of people practise their religion". You're fucking kidding, so if one of these filthy cunts confesses that they're still molesting a poor kid, you don't think that by reporting it it could save that kid and potentially other kids from harm? Fuckwit. That flies in the face of the fundamental right of kids to grow up in a safe environment. I'm fucken sick of pricks like this using religion as an excuse to keep their dirty little secrets under wraps.


• Pregnant women who use nicotine patches - ya don't think any of that's going to be passed on to the unborn child? It's bad enough the kid is gonna come into the world with a mother who's a dumbfuck, don't poison the little bugger as well.


• Britney Spears - apparently isn't too keen on washing, brushing her teeth or using deodorant. Sounds like she's getting ready for her post music 'career' as a taxi driver.


• Mary Jo Fisher - SA Liberal MP who's facing theft and assault charges. She allegedly pinched $92.92 worth of groceries from a supermarket then assaulted a security guard in the car park who tried to stop her from fleeing. This is the same person who thought it apt to dance the fucken hokey pokey in parliament. Fit to stay as an elected official? You put your right hand in, you take some groceries out, ya try to scarper, but got caught ya dopey sow. You belt a security guard, then the cops are all about, ya busted ya fruitloop cow.


• Kurt Tippett - you don't reckon Gold Coast would be laughing their tits off. They offered this fucken plank huge money, dodged a bullet there Bluey. They've got Charlie Dixon up forward instead of David.


• Brad Moran - half a dozen shit touches in a full game and you can't make the distance from 45m out. Spending all that money on ya hair was a complete waste of time, wasn't it, shithead. That fucken peak of yours is getting further and further away you useless fucking muppett.


• Zaheer Khan - Indian swing bowler who again went off the field, this time in the test against the poms at Lords after getting a fucken booboo. What a weak cunt, he spends more time off the field with an 'injury' than on it. Apparently his teammates have given him the nickname tampon as a result.


• The bloke who dropped a shipping container with $1 million worth of wine in it - blamed it on a forklift malfunction. Righto mate, and Neil Craig's decision to resign was entirely his choice.


• Amy Winehouse - finally managed it, drank herself to death. What a fucken tragedy, another pissheaded drug addict has left us. With a surname like that it was on the cards. At least we won't have to put up with any more of her shithouse music. Apparently coroners found enough alcohol still in her body to preserve it for the next 50 years.


• Amy Winehouse fans who mourned outside her house - get a grip you fucking wankers, she was an alcoholic fucken junkie who looked like a retarded Morticia Addams. And the local bums said cheers for the tributes you left outside her house, booze and ciggies. For fucksake, fucken minda central.


• Melbourne Spring Fashion Week Organisers - have employed Dannii Minogue as the ambassador. Fuckwits, why didn't you go to Ikea and buy a fucken tupperware set for $10. They're made of the same stuff, and the tupperware would be more fucken intelligent.


• Jason Derulo - ex-root of Lara Bingle who said " he hearts were not in line, something was rotten in the cotton". You fucking space cadet, the Amy Winehouse diet certainly doesn't agree with you does it.


• David Wu - US Congressman who's under pressure to resign after allegations of sexual impropriety emerged. What is it with these yank pollies, they make Warnie look like a catholic priest. Hmmm, maybe not the best comparison. Mr. Wu also proved he was a complete fuckwit before this by dressing up in the shittiest tiger costume you've ever seen and posing for cameras. If you could imagine the asian bloke from 'The Hangover' dressed up in a mardi gra costume, you'll understand how fucking ridiculous this peckerhead looked.


• Sarah Ferguson - old porky has continued her reign as the Queen of royal fuckarses by taking part in a 6 part documentary called 'Finding Sarah'. Christ, by the size of her that shouldn't be too fucking hard! In this riveting pile of shite she pours out her heart to psychologists in an attempt to cure her 'poisonous spending '. Finding Sarah, give me a fucken break, you want to know how to save a bit of coin - stop fucking eating so much you wobblearsed gibbon.


• Bernie Vince - tontine boy out-did himself with a fucking soft, insipid, error riddled game against the Saints. To make matters worse, he gave an interview at half-time (after getting 3 touches, of which only 2 were effective) and laughed and giggled his way through it. You'd think by now he would've reached the peak of shitness, but he raised the bar with the tripe he turned out. Fair dinkum, if GWS offered a bag of fucken chicken shit for this fuckarse the Crows would be mad not to take it, they'd be at least breaking even, it's a like for like swap. He;s just another dud to come out of the much-vaunted Woodville West Torrens AFL player factory - hope they offer money-back guarantees because the products are faulty!


• Adelaide Crows - hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. That was fucken gold against the Saints. They showed less spine than a fucken jellyfish. Then we're expected to believe it was all Neil Craig's doing regarding his ending his tenure as coach? Why don't you smell what you're shovelling Triggy, ya fuckwit. This week's showdown is going to be a fucken blockbuster, 24,000 fuckwits watching a pack of fucken pissweak retards run around in circles trying to find their own arses.


• Chris Dittmar - won't shut the fuck up about how he thinks the Camry Cows should throw a shitload at Malthouse or Roos to get them in as senior coach. They won't come to Adelaide you fuckwit, get used to it. They won't come to Adelaide you fuckwit, get used to it. They won't come to Adelaide you fuckwit, get used to it. Are ya catching this Shitmar, or do I have to fucking repeat myself again.


• The Australian Navy - purchased an amphibious ship for $100 million from the poms which has proved to be as reliable as Zaheer Khan. First the Ashes now this, remember when we used to laugh at the poms, what the fuck is going on?


• The woman who claimed compo after a light fitting fell on her head whilst rooting in a motel on a business trip - initially her claim was rejected, so she's taken her fight to the Federal Court. Her lawyer claims sex was "an ordinary incident of life" commonly undertaken in a motel room at night, just like sleeping or showering. That maybe the case if you are Kevin Foley on a business trip or Mike Rann in his office, but I'm taking a stab in the dark by saying her boss would expect her to be well rested and clean on a business trip, but not necessarily to have a bloke choc a block up her with enough force to have a light fitting fall on her fucking head.


• Anthony Clarke - climate change activist selling patches of air over landmarks such as the Sydney Opera House. Does that mean if I climb to the top of the Harbour Bridge and fart I'm comtaminating someone's land? Apparently he also organised the drafting of Bernie Vince claiming he had a heart.


• The 63 year old Californian fuckwit who tried to perform a hernia operation on himself with a 15cm butter knife - self surgery with a butter knife, for fucksake, is there anything dumber than an aged American? Maybe a Port supporter. Or maybe Russell Wortley.


• The NSW Teachers' Federation - wants the Federal Government to scrap the written citizenship test because it is too hard for migrants who cannot understand the questions - fucking dickheads, that's exactly why we should keep it, if you can't read and write the language, fuck off.


• Michael Brown - acting Aussie cricket chairman said in response to questions about changing the current contract list system - " he only form of the game it (the contract list) absolutely favours is test cricket". Bingo, cunt, and that's the way it should stay, you shouldn't be rewarding fucking softcocks like Shauna Tait for shunning the true form of the game to sell their arse in the mickey mouse versions of the game. Reward the blokes who want to play test cricket, it was, is, and will always be the purest and best form of the game.


• Mark Harvey - coach of the Dockers is fast getting a reputation of being a whiny bitch after his complaint about players such as Buddy Franklin not being called to play on when he shoots for goal because they run in on an arc. Last week he was pissing on about information being leaked before last year's derby against the Eagles. What ya got next week Harvs - Damien Hardwick took your fucking bagel on an interstate trip once when you were both playing for the Bombers?


• Tom Harley – for his Suisse vitamins ad, wearing his little brother’s cardigan - you look like a dickhead, Tom.


• Kym Dillon – for saying that the Crows shithouse form is not Neil Craig’s fault and that he should be re-appointed. No wonder you got sacked from Triple M, you nob jockey.


• Lara Bingle – for whinging about lack of privacy but then allowing a magazine to cover her holiday in Tahiti. Let’s face it, Lara, you are a fucking fame whore.


• Indian Call Centres – for having a crack at Aussies. I can’t fucking wait until I get the next call from one of you fuckers, Currymuncher, "hello, is Mr Holden there please". Holden, "Yeah and he has a message for ya - fuck off Ganguly".


• Kid’s obesity – 10 year-olds weighing 84 kilos. Parents, please stop fucking feeding your kids the Scotty Cummings diet.


• Central District – for losing to bottom side, North Adelaide. Thanks, cunts, you’ve opened the door for the Legs to finish top!


• Shane Warne – jesus, Warney, that plastic surgery you had makes you look like a fucking cockhead! Is Liz Hurley really that great a root? Get back on the toasted sangas, baked beans and Winnie Blues.


• 20/20 – for not giving young blokes a chance but extending the careers of retired fat rich cunts like Hayden. Cricket in this country is fucked.


• Rob Chapman - for his comment on Craig Neil's sacking: "Despite the disappointing results of late, Neil led us to five finals series, and re-established the list and the team to a strong and respected position." Strong and respected? Surely you gest, Rob - your midfield resembles the McLovin family and you have about as much respect as Russell Wortley has in Burnside.


• SANFL - for reducing the suspension of that 14 year-old Andrew Krakouer-Lovett wannabe from 5 years to 3 years for punching an umpire. Ok, so the kid would have got a knighthood if he gave Ray Chamberlain or Tony Dey or Colin Rowston a smack.


• Russell Wortley - just when you think the Labor Party's minda factory has run out of stock, up jumps good old Russell Wortley. The fucker looks like a refugee from Woodstock - stay off the gunja, Russ.


• Qantas stewardess - is there a bunch of more snooty and unhelpful bunch of moles in the world? Fuck me, from the reaction of one slag when I asked for some water you would have thought I asked the cow to turn the fucking plane around and drop me off at the local pub.


• Bruce McAvaney - it is time to pull the plug, Bruce. Your commentary is fucked. And when are you gonna realise that Saint Nick will not let you see him in the buff, unless you are a 15 year old school girl.


• Wayne Swan -now calling for a traffic tax. Fuck off, Wayne. I'd call for a tax on your IQ but that would yield zero revenue.


• Hamish and Andy - caught about one minute of the show last night and good to see nothing has changed, you two pricks are still about as funny a stubbed toe. Mick Molloy gets fined $80k for making a gag (and a fucking funny one) about Mrs Skeletor - well, you two should get sued for a shitload more than that. Here is a gag for you, Andy - did you hear the one about the Super Model who dumped an unfunny cunt and she's now shagging an ordinary Carlton player?


• Channel 9 - for billing itself as the "home of comedy". Now that is the funniest thing to ever come out of Channel 9.


• Organisers of the child beauty pagaent in Melbourne - the poor buggers are playing off for the much coveted Jon-Benet trophy.


• Drew Petrie - for saying the bleeding obvious that the Kangaroos need a big scalp - how about starting with Russell Wortley's shagpile.
  

Winner week 25

Centrebet has released the market for this week’s Chad Medallist –

$1.00 Heath Shaw
$1.10 The Maxwell Family
$1.35 Rupert Murdoch
$1.50 Julia Gillard
$1.75 AFL/SANFL umpires
$1.80 Richmond, Port Adelaide, the Crows
$2.05 Jason Hampton
$2.35 The Forklift Thief
$2.75 Mathew Lloyd, Troy Chaplin, Hamish Hartlett
$3.30 Luke Jarrad
$4.00 Betty Walker
$5.20 Qantas Engineers, Jessica Lodge
$6.80 Brett Reilly, Rowey, Nathan Lovett
$9.00 The Chap Olympics
$12.30 Fucking Chihuahuas
$18.00 The cost of movies
$25.00 The Emmys
$100.00 the rest of the fuckwits nominated

Heath Shaw gave himself some inside information and put $10 on himself. Nick Maxwell told his mum/sister/cousin that Heath Shaw is a fuckwit so the Maxwell Smart Family has also decided to put a few shekels on Heath. Rupert Murdoch has denied having any knowledge about anything so he doesn’t know what the fuck a bet is. Julia Gillard has decided the best bet is to slap a tax on the Chad. While AFL and SANFL umpires are doing their very best to influence the result by being fair dinkum fucking cheating bastards. Richmond has sold another home game so they can place a bet while the Power and the Crows are betting on Adelaide Oval and have asked Andrew “The Pig” Demetriou to underwrite their bet. Jason Hampton should place a bet on getting a regular rogering from Big Bubba while he’s in jail. The Forklift Thief just rang Centrebet to say that someone just shot him in an attempt to divert betting away from himself. I’m betting on Mathew Lloyd’s book being even more boring and tedious than listening to the cunt drone on about how Matty Knights is a fuckwit. Here is a newsflash for ya, Lloydy - we already fucking know that Matty Knights is a bloody fuckwit - we don’t need a fucking chapter in your book to tell us that. When Troy Chaplin found out he was nominated for the Chad he started pointing his finger while Hamish Hartlett fucked up his shoulder filling out a TAB ticket. Luke Jarrad placed a bet that he could play the rest of this season without soiling his dacks – fucking dumb bet, Luke, the odds on that happening are a million to one.

The market has closed and all bets have been laid. So who wins? Well, it is fucking obvious as the nose on Julia’s face – Heath Shaw. He’s dumber than a box of nails. Enough has already been said about his $10 bet on Nick Maxwell. Stupidity comes naturally to Heath. This is not the first time he has fucked up. Late in 2007, Shaw was charged with drink driving after crashing into a parked car and reportedly registering a blood alcohol reading of 0.144. To make matters worse he denied, in front of his team-mates and the media, that fellow fuckwit, Alan Didak, was a passenger in the car at the time. He was backed up by captain Scott Burns. However, after eyewitnesses identified Didak, he and Didak admitted to lying to their team-mates and club officials, and were banned until the end of the season. Good one, dickhead. But to add even more weight to his Chad victory, just check out his website - www.heathshaw.com.au. Yes, it’s true, the cunt has a website. It is hilarious. You can actually book the idiot - to do what, who the fuck knows? Maybe to put bets on for ya? He also has a blog. Among the classics on his blog are “60 seconds of my life”, which gives you a snapshot into his life – all 60 seconds were filmed at his local TAB. And prior to the Ashes series, he named his test team – those included were Cameron White and Dirk Nannes. Of White he said, "consistent preformer [great spelling, Heath] in all forms of the game, the best slips catcher in the business which is essential in test matches.” Heath, what is even more essential in test matches is having two skills called “scoring runs” and “taking wickets”, neither of which White can do. And Heath has sponsors on his website. They are National Patient Transport (I assume Heath uses them when he has yet another brain fade or crashes his car when pissed) and Talent2 (surely, an ironic joke). So Heath, even though you did not win that bet on Maxwell, you walk away with this week’s Chad Medal. Congratulations, and try staying away from the TAB on your 8 weeks off.

Week 25 nominations

• Jason Hampton – the 20 year-old Tasmanian who pleaded guilty to torturing, burning and blowing up five possums. The arsehole also filmed himself doing the evil act. The only apt punishment for this fucking bastard is for the same to happen to him.




• Orange Maggot and dog starving mongrel Sean Ryan - The term “umpire” should be used loosely for this cock-smocking glory hunting oxygen thief! Not content to simply bend over to the 38,000 retards in the crowd at AAMI in the Crows v Bombers game by paying holding the ball against Essendon players in the first quarter when the Bombers players had 17 Crows players jumping on their back with no prior opportunity to dispose of the footy, this failed lab experiment chose to try and draw the focus to himself late in the game by penalising Angus Monfries for the following:
  -laying a great goal saving tackle on Patrick “I think I’m Dermott Brereton” Dangerfield
  -then getting ridden into the ground by Dermott in the most blatant in the back since………well, ever!
  -then in his third effort, contesting the footy in a 50/50 with Dermott only to have that cunt Ryan pay holding the ball when Monfries never even had possession of the motherfucking thing and was not over the ball nor did he drag it in.
  
  The decision by this Elton John wannabe-sperm recipient even surprised the Crows spastics in the crowd who despite not knowing a fucking thing about football, felt it was a little harsh. Sean Ryan = compete cunt!




• Hendra virus – what really shits me is that Tracey Grimshaw has avoided it so far.




• Patrick “Dermott Brereton” Dangerfield. Built like Jane, plays like Jane, thinks he’s Tarzan or Jono Brown. Parades around like he is the worlds greatest forward despite playing about 3 decent quarters of footy in 3 years in possibly the worst team in the AFL. Had his arse handed to him by Bombers rookie Kyle Hardingham who has played 15 games and tackles his girlfriend harder than Dangerfield tackles an opponent. Hey Dermott, instead of walking around flexing muscles that don’t exist and looking at the 38,000 retards yelling your name, try and get a kick and perhaps attempt to include a team mate from time to time, as there is usually 17 of the poofters out there to choose from, you glory hunting home-sick lap dog. Go get a hard ball and stop trying to be the next Kane Cornes, because he’s a dribbling selfish cunt and you’re heading down that well worn track. Better still, go home to Geelong and become a footballer instead of a piss-weak glory hound.




• Heath Shaw – I’d put $10 on what Mick Malthouse said when he was told about Shaw’s punt on Maxwell, "FUCKWIT”.




• Advertiser headline – Shaw’s Dumb Punt. They mis-spelled “Punt”.





• Lindsay Thomas – the Ian Baker-Finch of goal-kicking.





• Nick Maxwell’s family – for being dumb enough bet on their son kicking a goal. You fuckwits. Apparently, they also recently put $85 on Lindsay Thomas kicking a goal and another $85 on Brent Stanton getting a hardball.





• Richmond – sold two home games this year and lost both to the two bottom teams. How can one club be so shit for so long?





• Adelaide – for another fantastic choke.





• Pt Adelaide – they are so crap that even Chad looks good.





• Colin Rowston – you cheating scumbag.





• Luke Jarrad – in his one chance to take a contested mark against Norwood he quickly filled his dacks with shit and dropped the mark.





• Mark Ricciuto – for his “Roo’s Red Fist” column. His fist is red because it is fair square up Goodwin’s clacker.





• Brett Reilly – for saying as a captain Van Berlo will soon be at the same level as Ricciuto and Goodwin. Fuck off, idiot.





• Gillard – for telling journos “not to write crap”. Fair call but Julia, you terminal fuckwit, here is some advice for you – “don’t talk crap”. We all know that the carbon tax is a fucking joke so don't bother spending $12 million on telling us otherwise.





• Betty Walker - Mississippi woman who opened fire on a puppy that had threatened children, but she wound up shooting and killing her husband/brother. Witnesses told police the dog lunged at some children and tried to attack them. The dead man's son says the children were taken inside and his father picked the dog up. It was then that police say Betty fired twice, hitting the dog once and her husband once in the chest. Amazing how Harry the Chihuahua has survived yet again.





• The Chap Olympics – this is the only sport the Poms are any good at. The 10 events include the pipeathlon - sauntering, bicycling and being carried by servants while smoking a pipe - butler baiting, and moustache wrestling. Organiser and deadset fuckwit, Gustav Temple said being a chap is all about the clothes, "Once you've got the clothes, your mannerisms will change. You are not likely to get into a pub fight or end up at a football match. You will find yourself drawn away from lager and crisps towards dry martinis and a pipe." he said. In other words, you become a fucking Crows supporter.





• Troy Chaplin – for being the AFL’s best “pointer”. This cunt excels at royally fucking up in the backline and then immediately pointing at his team-mates to pick up an opposition player.





• Hamish Hartlett – a) for having a fucked shoulder even though he has never delivered a hip and shoulder in his life; and b) for the worst kick I have ever seen – running out of the back-line and under little pressure, delivering a 5 metre kick, straight out of bounds on the full. Take the rest of the season off cunt.





• The crowd at the Port v Melbourne game – 7,255 of them were stupid enough to turn up and actually pay to watch that shite.





• Qantas engineers – for playing the Last Post during their recent strike. Fucking dis-respectful.





• Michelle Bock – drug dealer and producer of dis-loyal, girlfriend –beating footballers.





• Nathan Lovett – for saying the girl he allegedly raped would have known that it was him and not Jason Gram because “I’m dark-skinned and he’s fair-skinned”. There is a fatal flaw in ya argument, shithead, the lights were out!





• Rowey – for suggesting the Power should recruit Fev. You really are a nobhead, Rowey.





• The Emmy's - a backslapping wankfest for trumped up arsewipes to show off a dead raccoon shaped into a 'dress' that they'll never wear again and get awarded for shit shows that you would rather shoot yourself in the head rather than watch. Hold me back, does that mean the fucken Logies are on again soon as well?





• Paris Hilton - "when I was little, my mum would punish me by unplugging my private phone". Somewhat ironic as these days the slag likes getting punished by getting herself plugged by anyone with a dick.





• The Wallabies - got rolled 32-23 by Samoa, a country of 180,000 people and 400,000 pawpaws. For fucksake, watch out this week they're playing Nauru. Apparently the only person happy with the result was Heath Shaw who had a crafty tenner on Samoa after getting some insider knowledge.





• Carlos Tevez - Argentina's answer to Shaun Tait once again proved that mercenary cockheads generally go to water when it counts by missing a penalty in the Copa America qtr final against Uruguay.





• Edward White - lit a fire that caused $1 million damage to Unley High School. For fucksake why didn't he go down the road to Unley Oval instead.





• Wang Dalin - Chinese beekeeper won a ' bee bearding ' competition which involved contestants trying to attract the most bees in an hour. Wang managed to collect 26kg of bees. My question is - how the fuck did they weigh the bees?





• Dom Cassisi - says that Port's young players have bought into coach Matthew Primus's rebuilding plan and are happy at the club. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I'll bet you don't even believe that bullshit yourself, why would you buy into a fucking trainwreck you fuckwit?





• Tiger Airways - have appointed a veteran pilot as it's safety adviser. Unless it's that old bloke who landed a plane on the Hudson River this prick is going to be as useful as appointing Richard Tambling as a skills coach.





• NZ Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages - has started cracking down on parents giving their kids fucked up names. This isn't necessarily a bad thing as one Ewen Chatfield is enough pain for the world, but for a country best known for lamb lovin' and the inability to speak properly don't you think they have bigger fish to fry first?





• Jason Davenport - squealed like a Monica Seles backhand all day for free kicks whilst playing for West in the game against Centrals. Next time, try saving your breath and get the fucking ball yourself instead of waiting with your hand out like a homeless person at a fucken soup kitchen ya cunt.





• Tony Dey - made Richard Williams look like a competent umpire, cunt. Also, see Colin Rowston





• Rupert Murdoch - still insists he was blissfully unaware of any phone hacking that occurred at one of his papers. You're fucking kidding right, we're expected to believe that are we you fucking bullshitting old cunt. Ya couldn't lie straight in bed Rupert.





• Julia Gillard - will you shut the fuck up, ya lying hag. "There will be no carbon tax under a government I lead." So what is your argument for going back on this promise? Could it be that you are not actually leading this government but the real leader is Bob "Bandit" Brown?





• Desmond Bellamy - project leader for PETA, for suggesting there should be a fart tax on meat. Fuck off, Dessie, ya wanker, just because you would rather eat boiled tofu served with a side of gum leaves than a nice big juicy t-bone steak does not mean the rest of us should suffer. How about a tax on fucking tree-hugging punnetheads called Desmond.





• Candice Keller - for describing Graham Cornes as a "football legend". You're a dickhead, Candice. Studley's not a football legend, he's a fucking boring old Skeletor.





• The cost of movies - $18 my arse. Fuck off, who the fuck would want to spend $18 to go see another movie about a fucking dumbarse wizard or the latest spewfest from Tom Hanks. What happened to movies like Goodfellas? Even fucking Police Academy 17 is better than the tripe that is served up today.





• The Forklift Thief - this dickhead stole a forklift from his former employer and was doing burn-outs along the bike-track on the Linear Park at Flinders Park when he jammed it into a wooden footbridge. He then fled the scene as police started a search to find the culprit. The clown then made a phonecall to the police from his own home saying someone had been shot in an effort to divert them away from the search. Police arrived at his house, discovered noone had been shot and then promptly arrested him for stealing the forklift. FUCKWIT





• Jessica Lodge - the police officer who escaped a conviction after being found guilty of urinating on an ANZAC War Memorial in Sydney. That is a fucking low act.





• Magistrate Jane Culver - for not convicting Jessica Lodge but instead placing her on a 12 month good behaviour bond. That is bullshit. The least that mole should have received is a golden shower.





• AFL footballers - 25% can't read or write. At Port Adelaide the strike rate is 100% - stupid is as Westhoff does.





• Paco - the chihuahua who bailed up two armed robbers in LA and chased them out of the store and down the street. How does that make ya feel, Harry, like a real little fucking pissant??





• Mathew Lloyd - for releasing an autobiography. Chapter 1 - My best dives. Chapter 2 - I might have kicked a few goals but fuck I was boring. Chapter 3 - Who gives a shit.





• The Advertiser Footy Fans Survey - who is your favourite WAG? Dane Swan's 12 year-old girlfriend. Or maybe Robbie Gray's other half - it's a real credit to her that she goes out with a retard. Or what about Brent Stanton's wife - I didn't think lesbians were allowed to marry. Or maybe Andrew Lovett's girlfriend - she still hasn't worked out that he's not Jason Gram. Or Bernie Vince's devoted life partner, Luke Jarrad - who wears the pants in that relationship? Or what about Lucy Cornes - nah, no way, get fucked, fuck off.

Winner Week 24

What the fuck is wrong with the world these days? You’ve got reporters tapping into people’s voice messages. A bunch of bum-hugging Greenies are running the country. Football is turning into tiddlywinks. TV is inundated with the visual equivalent of the green apple splatters. A hermaphrodite called Lady Ga Ga is the biggest thing in music. We’ve got an Australian cricket team captained by a squealing metro-sexual who spends more time in front of a mirror than at the crease. We can’t build a god damn bridge across a fucking muddy creek without a shit fight. We’ve got a Premier and state government that are about as useful as a cock-flavoured lolly-pop. Stephen Rowe is a radio star. Ricky Nixon is still breathing. The other half of Australia’s most popular children’s author is a fucking rock spider. And to top it off, Matty Knights is still involved in football. It is fair dinkum total and utter bullshit.

Which brings us to this week’s winner of the Chad. Tony Dey. White maggot and cheating cunt extraordinaire. Tony is one of the most consistent fuckwits in the history of the Chad. He has been nominated on numerous occasions and won his first Chad Medal in week six of the inaugural Chad season in 2010. And what a thoroughly deserved win it was. Since that time, the cunt has gone from strength to strength, regularly butchering SANFL games with an ineptitude and lack of feel for the game rarely seen, perhaps rivalled only by Richard Williams, Darren Goldspink or Scott McLaren. It is impossible to over-estimate Tony’s ability totally fuck-up a game of football. For those unlucky enough to witness a vintage Dey performance, you’ll know exactly what I mean. Many say he is a master magician as the bastard can pluck a free kick out of nowhere with just one quick blow of his trusty whistle. Judging by the number of times he blows, he must have taken some tips from Lara Bingle. But what sets Tony apart from the rest of the white maggots is the level of enjoyment he seems to draw from ruining a game. He seems to thrive on paying free-kicks that aren’t there or ignoring ones that are blatantly obvious or awarding a 50 metre penalty against a player who has justifiably and politely called him a “fuckarse”. He took his game to a whole new level on the weekend by not only paying a free kick against Taylor Walker for a perfectly laid tackle on North Adelaide pipsqueak Tim Delvins but for then reporting Walker, saying the tackle was “unnecessary”. Fuck off, Tony. What is unnecessary is you continuing to blight football with your presence. So I’m reporting you for the unnecessary crap you dish up, week by week, year by year. And it is unnecessary for you to attend the tribunal hearing, Tony. You’ve already been found guilty of bringing the game of football into disrepute – and more importantly, for being a deadset fucking cunt. You have been banned from umpiring for life and must do 5 years of community service – your first community service tasks are to give Mike Rann a backhander, tell Bob Brown to shut the fuck up and put a muzzle on Julia Gillard. But Tony, you don’t leave the game empty-handed, as I’m pleased to award you your second Chad Medal. You are the first fuckwit to claim the honour twice. Congratulations and now fuck off.

Week 24 Nominations

• The AFL rules committee - watching the Hawthorn v Brisbane game on the weekend made me want to belt someone. The number of frees paid for absolute bullshit were ridiculous. I don't blame the umpires for this as they were only interpreting the rules as put before them. I blame the AFL rules committee, you bunch of fuckheads, you cunts should be brought up before the Human Rights Commission for crimes against humanity. You are fucking up a great game by introducing out and out shit just for the sake of it. Cunts like Kevin Bartlett should be strung up by their nads. Cunts the lot of ya.




• McDonalds - Big Mac my fucking arse, how about calling it "The formerly decent sized burger that we've downsized to the size of a 20c piece because we're a bunch of tightarse cunts Mac".




• Harry Potter devotees - I've seen a couple of the movies on tv and I'll admit, whilst they were nothing special they were watchable. But, these sad bastards who cue up for hours dressed like the characters from the movie waiting for the new installment "Harry Potter - eligible for the pension but still in fucken school" need a bullet. And so does Harry.




• People who cued outside Lady Gaga's hotel for hours hoping to get a glimpse of him/her - you are more braindead than the Harry Potterites. If you wanted to watch trannies in the flesh you don't need to cue outside a Sydney hotel, just head to Unley Oval on a Saturday afternoon.




• Chris Gayle - sold himself like a streetwalker to the highest bidder in the new BigBash comp. Refused a bid of $250,000 from WA who he played for the year before to take $300,000 from new franchise the Sydney Mercenary Arsewipes. And this prick was captain of the Windies, ya wonder why they are shite.




• Sedan/Cambrai - in one of the most shonky displays in the history of football, they lost to United Eagles/Callington, who had been winless for almost three years. You knew something wasn't right when Salim Malik was seen in the rooms after the match with a fistful of brown paper bags and a grin bigger than Luna Park.




• Jessica Rowe - "why swear, it's just unnecessary". Get fucked. Swearing is as Australian as pulling a sickie on a long weekend, so go and get fucked you anorexic pretzel.




• North Melbourne - join in the chorus, sing it one and all, join in the chorus North Melbourne showed no balls. Fucking insipid against the Pies, and worst of all deflected attention away from Port's steaming pile of an 'effort' against the Saints.




• David and Victoria Beckham - named their new kid Harper Seven. For fucksake, it is reputed that the name Seven came about because that's the number David has worn over most of his career, I'm more inclined to think it's the combined IQ of the fucking parents.




• Red Bull Racing Team - told 3rd placed Mark Webber not to try to pass teammate Sebastian Vettel who was running second in the closing stages of the recent GP in case they had a prang. For fucksake, he wasn't out there for a Sunday drive you dickheads, if Alonso had fucked up he was going for a win. And you wonder why people are getting the shits with Formula 1, that's as bad as bowling deliberate no balls for cash, it's call fixing the fucking result. Thankfully, Webber told the team to go fuck themselves (yeah I said fuck Jessica Rowe, fucken deal with it ) and had a crack.




• Phaedra Al Majid - former press officer on the Qatar 2022 World Cup bid has retracted her allegations that 3 FIFA members were bribed to vote for Qatar. She claimed she was not put under any pressure by Qatari (sounds like a fucken cocktail) officialdom to retract her original allegations but did it because she only originally made the allegations because she got the arse and was looking for payback, but didn't think things would go this far. Far from being cynical and suggesting you're talking out of your arse for a financial payment, I believe you, and I also believe Nicole Cornes would make a fantastic MP, Luke Jarrad is a tough footballer, and there is nothing shonky in Bernard Finnigan's disappearance from the public eye.




• Australian Cricket Selectors - once again proved they have the tactical nouse of Neil Craig by selecting old never has been David Hussey in front of up and coming Callum Ferguson for the upcoming tour of Sri Lanka. You remember when we used to take the piss out of the Poms for their Dad's Army selections and persistence with crap? Hasn't the worm fucking turned. The Poms would be choking on their Tetley tea laughing their tits off at Australian cricket at the moment.




• Tony Dey - reported Taylor Walker for a legitimate tackle. He's a cunt, always has been, always will be. Demote the fuckhead to the AFL. Dey called the tackle "unnecessary". Ah, Tony, you fucking ankle, he's playing football, not fucking nude Twister like you do with ya white maggot mates.




• The SANFL Tribunal - handed out a 1 match ban to Taylor Walker for laying a tackle. Sling tackle my arse, it was a good ball and all tackle which took both players to the ground. The AFL has officially infiltrated another part of the SANFL and is attempting to destroy it. Fuck off, leave your fairybread rules to your own modified rules comp.




• Mark Riccuito - claims through his 'spies' that pillows/useless SANFL fuckarses Luke Jarrad, Dean Terlich and Tristan Gum could make it in the AFL as mature age recruits. You fuckwit, Roo - Terlich is shit, Gum is a pillow, and Jarrad is an out and out embarrassment who runs away faster from a contest than Brett 'ice skates' Stanton. The classic was to compare Terlich to Steve Johnson - who writes your stuff, Roo?? Your fucking spies need to pull their heads out of their fucking arses and actually watch the fucking games because they've got as much idea naming those cunts as the Australian cricket selectors have picking a touring team.




• The 58 year-old Everard Park father who was caught drag racing against his 27 year-old son on South Road - fuckwits - like father like son.




• Rebekah Brooks - this mole was in charge of News of the World when their shonky phone-tapping activities were going on. Miraculously, she has kept her job at News Ltd while the rest of the News of the World staff got the arse. What does Rupert's old fella taste like, Rebekah?




• Sunday Mail - for offering the writer of "letter of the week" a Michael Bolton CD. Thought you were supposed to encourage not discourage people from sending letters in, you idiots.

Richmond - for a bad case of hoisting the white flag. After leading by 23 points at the 13 minute mark of the third quarter, they then dropped their dacks and let Essendon royally roger them to the tune of 10 unanswered goals. Pathetic. Even Matty Primus felt sorry for Hardwick.

Russell Wortley - for dumping the inquiry into the Burnside Council, saying it is "in the public interest". Excuse me, fuckwit, since when was trying to uncover corruption not in the public's interest. Did a brown paper bag turn up on ya desk? And another thing, get a fucking haircut, you look like a dickhead.

Josh Francou - the bald-headed chicken fucker had a whinge about the state of Norwood Oval. Bit too muddy for ya bunch of soft-cocks was it, Josh? I'd be more worried about getting my team of the bottom of the ladder, shithead.

Julia Gillard - no amount of spin is going to change the fact that this carbon tax is a fucking sham.

Rowan Roberts - Media Mike's senior economic adviser quit the position in March 2010 and received a termination pay-out of $37,000. I thought if you quit then you were not eligible for a termination pay-out? Anyway, she has now been re-appointed to the position AND received a salary increase AND does not have to re-pay the termination pay-out. To add insult to injury, it turns out that Roberts' mother, Gabrielle Kelly, is Director of Labor's Thinker In Residence program. More like wanker in residence. Fuck off, Rann, no wonder you don't want an ICAC in South Australia.

Lara Bingle - model, WAG, ice-skater, dancer and now mentor. Yes, Bingle is now offering advice to up-and-coming models on the pitfalls of fame. Surely this is an ironic joke because you are a world-class fame-whore, Bingle. Go and root some b-grade celebrity, like Kyle Sandilands.

Angus Monfries - Essendon and ex-Sturt pillow. He has admitted that he took a dive when Hawthorn's Jordan Lewis "head-butted" him. Lewis got rubbed out for a week. Angus said he was trying to milk a free and now says he will have to look at the way he plays. How about you start by not modelling your game on Brent Stanton.

Port Adelaide - hahahahahahahaha. I backed out your gameplan this morning.

Catherine Kei Becker - 48 year-old woman from California charged with cutting off her husband's pecker. Funny, Luke Jarrad's husband tried the same thing on him and found he didn't have any nurries.

Minnesota - for running out of beer due to Government bureaucracy.

Nike - for abusing workers at their Converse factory in Indonesia. According to reports, factory supervisors, "throw shoes at them, slap them in the face and call them dogs and pigs". This is exactly how Mathew Primus should treat his Port Adelaide players.

Kane Cornes - for the quote of the year, "I've been on the end of some ripping sprays". Yeah, fuckwit, now you know how people feel when you open your gob to speak.

Tony Armstrong - North Adelaide pillow who, despite the muddy conditions, finished the game with a spotless jumper.

Daniel Motlop - see Tony Armstrong.

The 30 people who voted Nathan Van Berlo as the Crows best captain of the last decade - I bet these are the same 30 people in South Australia that don't think Mike Rann is a cunt.

Brad Moran - "I'm a long way off my peak". That's gold, when your peak is as high as an ant's nest and you still haven't reached it you know he's fucking shit.

Rupert Murdoch - seems to be distancing himself from knowledge of hacking by his minions. Pigs fucken arse you G.Cornes lookalike, you're in it up to ya saggy old nuts.

The young bloke who broke into a bank in Salisbury at 1:35am and left empty handed - can't imagine why, fuckwit. Apparently he said the service was appalling but no different to when the bank was actually open.

Katy Perry - hired a cat whisperer to help hubby Russell Brand keep their cats in line while she's on tour - "he realigned their chakras and did some hypnosis". Fair dinkum, what fucken chemicals are there in that Pro-Active shit she plugs on the telly.

Stephanie Payne - 180kg whole lot of woman says she shouldn't have to pay for two tickets for the train. I disagree you heifer, if by your own doing you have reached a size that means you and your flubberguts take up two seats, you pay for two fucking tickets. If ya don't like it, there is a fucken solution.

Barry Hunt - Hunt with a silent C. British Australia Community Spokesman says that Australia should set up their own new monarchy with Princess Anne as the head. You fucking dickhead, we've already got an orangutan as PM, a monkey as opposition leader, and an armadildo as leader of the Greens. On top of this you now want to make a horse the head of state? Lets just save time and go to the fucken zoo and pick out a few fucken animals to run the joint , it works for the Kiwis.

Ricky Nixon - is obviously still grieving over the trauma that became him as he is needing to find solace in rooting a 27 year old 'socialite'. By socialite I think they mean gold-digging slut. What a great family man he is, at least she's over legal age this time.

The 23 year-old Queenslander who filmed herself hacking off a mouse's head with a steak knife, then put the evidence on facebook - for fucksake what is wrong with some people, eye for an eye, head for a head. It is amazing what they cook up on Master Chef these days.

Michael Froggatt - the recipient of the 2010 Rotary Gold Coast Policeman of the Year was pinched DUI, blowing .085. Apparently the arresting officer got a bit suspicious when she said blow into this bag and he responded by emptying his nurries all over her leg.

Michael Plank - US citizen returning from Oz to LA was caught with 15 live lizards strapped to his chest at customs. He was fined $2000 and got 15 months in jail. You fuckwit, all you had to do was take them through Mexico and let them run across the border like millions of the Cheech and Chongs do every fucken year. Or do what Bob Brown does and travel with them shoved up his Jatz Cracker.

Malcolm Fox - father of MP Chloe Fox and husband of author Mem Fox was convicted of four counts of unlawful intercourse with a 17 year old boy. You dirty, sick cunt, hope some of the lads in Yatala show you how magic their possums are ya fucking animal. I can't wait for Mem's new book - Malcolm the Kiddyfiddling Wombat.

The bloke who went into Sturt police station to report a crash he was involved in and blew .138, then walked home and got his spare keys, went back to the cop shop, took his car and drove home. The coppers went to his house to find him and the car there and pinched him again - fuckwit. Luke Norman's not having a good run is he?

Reality tv - the reality is it's fucking shit. Fuckarses fixing broken houses, crims cooking souvlakis, cunts with medical problems they've been too embarrassed to go see a doctor about for ten years but are quite fucking happy to go on tv to show millions of people, moles with big tits and blokes with small dicks, fat cunts crying about why they can't understand how they got so fucking fat whilst they chow down another tub of lard, nobodies with shows about how they sit on a fucken couch and go to the shops, talentless cunts trying to sing, dance and make fuckwits of themselves, fat brides, pregnant teenage slags, hillbillies and holier than thou cockheads swapping wives - and that is just one fucking night. I can't wait for Lara Bingle's new reality show - I Sucked A Lot Of Cock To Get Where I Am. It's fucken garbage. And don't get me started on the tripe that that fucking frumpy horse, Tracy Grimshaw serves up on a nightly basis. F-U-C-K O-F-F

The Crows - for using serial fuckwit, Matty Knights, to scout for them in Melbourne. No wonder the Crows have had such a shit year! Anything that Matty touches turns to shit.

Matty Knights - when are you gonna realise that football is not for you?

Round 23 Winner

The clash for the title of winner of The Chad Medal this week has displayed that, despite the best efforts of Bob ( John Inman ) Brown and his tree hugging, communist Green party comrades, democracy does still exist and can thrive. Laurie Holden and the Chief Editor were united in voting for serial softcock Shaun Tait to be winner, but the readers have spoken and he was defeated. Never mind Shaun, with the loyalty and backbone you have displayed over the years a medal will be coming your way in the non too distant future. Therefore, by a majority verdict, I hearby declare Nicole Cornes to be this weeks winner.

What a resume Nicole provides us with - wife of a fossilised, self absorbed, hypocritical fuckwit, failed political aspirant, step mum to 2 human sprinklers, self anointed saviour of all womankind.. Nicole lived her life in relative anonymity until one day she met Graham, aka skeletor. Details are sketchy as to the first encounter but urban legend has it that she turned up to a fancy dress party ( she was dressed as Joan of Arc, as she liked playing the fucking martyr even back then) and saw a crusty old fossil looking like he had dressed up as the grim reaper. It turned out that the man in question, skeletor, wasn't in costume, that's the way the craggy faced old cunt always looked. Love soon blossomed as Nicole regaled in skeletor's stories of how he fought off the Zulu armies, drank mead with Shakespeare and was present for the signing of the armistice after WW1. Then came the fateful day when skeletor asked her to become mrs. skeletor mk3, awww...... fucken spew.

So as the years went on they consummated their love ( picture this - one of the old blokes on the balcony from The Muppett Show rooting miss piggy ) and breeding soon followed. The Advertiser then decided, that due to her extensive experience as ........ mrs skeletor, it would be prudent to offer Nicole a job as a social commentator, where she provided us with such Pulitzer Prize contending works as " men - they only want sex " " yummy mummy's - too much pressure to be skinny " and " Ageing paramours - greying sideburns can make older men hot property ". Hot fucken diggidy, I can't imagine why the Washington Post or The Times weren't knocking down your door to write for them. I wouldn't wipe my arse with that tripe.

After this marvellously popular sojourn into the public forum, the ALP thought Nicole would be an excellent candidate to run for the seat of Boothby in the 2007 federal election ( reputedly after asking Graham and being rejected, you would have thought politics would've suited a holier than thou, condescending cunt like him ) with her extensive experience as ............. mrs skeletor. Also interesting was the fact she was a former Liberal voter. Boothby at that stage was regarded as a fairly marginal Liberal held seat, and one the ALP thought they had a good chance of winning. And they would've won it too, if they selected a decent candidate ( mind you Kevin 'Roly Poly' 'Dirk Diggler 'Foley picked her, nudge nudge, wink wink say no more in case Stuart Littlemore reads this ). Unfortunately Nicole was the running candidate and proceeded to completely fuck up the chance by her constant gaffes, inability to articulately answer questions, and inability to explain ALP policies ( mind you ranga Gillard ain't doing any better explaining the fucken carbon tax, it's like watching John Hewson try to explain the GST ). Check out these fucken pearlers she trotted out on the campaign trail -

• " I won't have to answer any tough questions, no hard- hitting questions, will I ? I've had just about enough of those questions. "
• " I'm still going to lose my words, my thought patterns are still going to get jumbled. In a way, that's a bit of my personality too. "

So with crackers like this is it any wonder she fucken lost? Looking at a couple of pictures from that time you can see Kevin Rudd giving the old " you're fucking kidding me " looks at her. And is it any wonder at press conferences after her initial fuck ups that she was put at the back of the group or bundled into a waiting car quicker than a pisshead in a paddywagon at 3am? Even die hard ALP followers were glad of dodging that fucken bullet. Nicole blamed a media smear campaign for the loss, conveniently leaving out she was as useful as Bernie Vince near a contested ball.

Nicole then resumed her life as ....... mrs skeletor, but for some fucken reason she became a ministerial advisor to Labor MP Paul Holloway. Jesus fucking christ, what was she going to advise him about, to grow sideburns to make him hot property? $93,000 is the rumoured salary, and you wonder why the Rann government is as popular as finding a scab on your dick.

And so life went on for Nicole, until that fateful day when funny bastard Mick Molloy comically quipped on ch 10's Before The Game that former Port Power and Hawthorn footballer Stewart Dew might have slipped her a length. Anyone who has seen Mick knows that when he talks 99% of it is purely tongue in cheek and not to be taken seriously , he is the first to admit it, yet Nicole decided that this was the most heinous crime since the shooting of Breaker Morant ( which apparently her husband participated in ) and kicked up a fucken storm big enough to fuck over a Japanese nuclear plant. I gotta be honest, until I googled it last night I still didn't know the exact words he used as I didn't see the show, and that's the way it would've stayed for most people if Nicole hadn't turned it into a giant fucking ' look at me, I'm a fucken victim ' circus. It would've stayed just another light hearted piss taking comment and everyone would've forgotten about it. But no, mr and mrs skeletor chose to 'stand up for all woman kind' and pursued the matter, even after Mick issued an on air apology. Nicole claimed she was defamed and humiliated, was exposed to ridicule ( marrying Graham and fucking up what should've been a monty in the federal election didn't ? ), and questioned her fidelity to her husband. That is one of the biggest loads of fucking bullshit I have ever heard, and reflects more upon the trust your husband has in you than anything. NO ONE believes Dew rooted Nicole, except for a fleeting moment her own husband. Why the fuck would he, you ain't no Bronwyn Bishop, but you certainly ain't no Jennifer Hawkins. As an AFL footballer he would've had hot birds throwing themselves at him, so why would he want to root someone that's had a crusty octogenarian up them. He didn't do it, you know it, I know it, the whole of Australia fucking knows it, so by by pursuing this you are setting yourself up for even more ridicule as an attention seeker, which ties you in well with the rest of the Cornes clan. Your husband has taught you well, if you're not in a headline, create a situation that puts you in one. I give you the words of fellow female journo Susie which best describes the situation - " Mrs Cornes says she hopes the case finally makes it clear that she did not have sex with Stewart Dew. But I don't think anyone - except for a moment her husband perhaps - has ever thought she has ". There you go, that's from one of your contemporaries, even she is saying the whole situation is fucking bullshit. But you got your $85,000, so now you can go shopping in the electorate you knew so little about. Pity about the poor cunt you may have put out of work at ch10 by making your spending money, but you've set yourself up as a moral beacon for all womankind to aspire to. To quote the inimitable Jim Royle - my arse.

So Nicole Cornes wins this installment of the Chad Medal. She used the Cornes name to gain attention and opportunities she would most likely not have ever got, then went and cried when it bit her on the arse. Boo fucken hoo, toughen up princess. Take your medal and fuck off.

Week 23 nominations

The 20 year-old New Zealand man who smashed up and then set fire to his own car after he became enraged when it broke down – he is facing charges of wasting police time and making a false statement as well as being liable for a bill of thousands of dollars for the fire service call-out cost. Wanaka police Constable Peter Reed said the incident was an example of bad decision-making and drunken stupidity.

Wanaka police Constable Peter Reed – for the under-statement of the year. I think the middle “a” in Wanaka is unnecessary.

Nadya Suleman - aka Octomum. After deliberately giving birth to octuplets as a result of fertility treatment, she now realises she fucked up - “I hate the babies, they disgust me. And my older six are animals, getting more and more out of control, because I have no time to properly discipline them.” Suleman claimed her dream of having a big family has turned into a nightmare. What the fuck did you expect, you dumb mole? Single mum, 14 kids, 8 of the fuckers under 2? At least you’ve still got your Port Power membership.

Philip A. Contos - the 55-year-old American motorcyclist who was thrown off his motorcycle and suffered a fatal head injury when protesting against helmet regulations. An attending physician said Contos would have likely survived the accident if he had been wearing a regulation helmet. Good one, fuckwit.

Jesper Fjelstadt – Sunday Mail “journalist” for stating that Norwood’s Dean Terlich is a real chance to play AFL again. You fuckwit, if you had bothered to conduct some research you would have found that Terlich’s nickname is “The Arsonist” as every time the fucker gets the ball he burns it. Then again, that has not stopped Bernie/Burnie Vince from getting a game.

People who voted for the Greens – for giving these fuckwits the balance of power. I hope you are going to be happy after they have dry rooted this country.

Bon Levi – aka as “Australia’s most notorious con man” Ron Fredericks. For opening up a massage parlor opposite a Primary School and next door to a kid’s dance studio. Funny how dads suddenly started to volunteer for school and dance drop-offs.

Americanisms – I’m fucking sick to death of people using American terminology. It’s footpath, not pavement. Chips, not fries. Taxi, not cab. Boot, not trunk. And when you are pissed, it means you are fucking shickered, not angry. And when you want to call someone an arsehole, it is “arsehole” not “asshole”, ok, you fucking arseholes.

Crows supporters – I was actually surprised that 23,000 of the 'tards turned up to see Craig’s Comedy Capers. Of course, Rowey says they are back and Craig’s job is safe now.

Sydney – for doing everything they could to ensure a Crows win. Continually hand-balling in wet conditions is plain stupid. And those two big white sticks – ya supposed to kick the ball in between them, ya fuckwits.

Shaun Rehn – blah blah fucking blah. For fucksake, Shaun, if you’ve got something to say, just spit it out. You ramble on like the retarded lovechild of Josh Carr and Studley Cornes. It is fucking annoying.

Mike Rann – see Shaun Rehn.

Stephen Rowe – for his comment on out-going Port CEO, Mark Haysman, “he’s done a super, super, super job. He’s been outstanding.” Yeah, Rowey, you bloody cocksucker, Port are travelling about as well as a horse with the Hendra virus. They’d be better off with Johnny Haysman in charge.

Lucy Cornes – for another crap article in the Sunday Mail. Fuck off. As if we give a shit about what your three-year-old does or says, except for “my dad is a useless cunt who chases easy kicks and I hope I don’t inherit his fucking lisp.”

Stephen Rowe - for on-going stupidity. Eg not knowing why rangas are also called "bloodnuts" or "bluey". Rowey, can you work out why people call you "fuckhead"?

Tiger Airways – for being grounded. A spokesperson has said that the grounding could “irreparably damage the Tiger brand”. I’d say Glenelg, Richmond and Woods have already accomplished this more than adequately.

Toyota – for recalling 110,000 cars. How about recalling the fucking Camry Crows too?

AFL – the game is like Bob Brown’s arse - it’s been rooted with so many times that it is now un-recognizable. These day’s you can throw the ball when tackled and it is not a free. Fuck off.

Kim Jong-il – for placing his half-brother under house arrest in Pyongyang because his resemblance to his father and founder of the nation, Kim Il-sung, could derail the transfer of power to the Kim Jong-il’s son, Kim Jong-Un. In similar news, Julia Gillard may have to give up the Prime Ministership because her close resemblance to an emu is causing too much confusion with our coat of arms. Sources in Canberra deny this and say the real reason she is under pressure is because she is a fucking cunt.

Coles - your ads are shithouse,. Do you think parading fatties and ugly cunts are really the best way to promote yourself? Down down prices are down, how about getting the bird on your current ad down by 10kg. And your latest promotional song is fucken worse than the WWT Eagles' "we're gold and green and blue" rainbow fucken team song.

The Advertiser - picture this, you're a tourist in Adelaide. You think "I might get the local paper and see what it says about what's going on in Adelaide at the moment." You flick to around page 5 and are confronted by the headline "Adelaide, our city of sperm donors". So the tourist then thinks "well I know what is going on in Adelaide, they're obviously a bunch of fucking wankers." The tourist then turns to the back page where there is an article by Michelangelo Rucci with a picture of Neil Craig, the tourist then thinks "they are a bunch of fucking wankers, I'll be fucked if I'm coming back here again". Bravo Advertiser, you certainly promote the best parts of the state.

Warner Music - folded like Glenelg in a finals series by withdrawing their application to trademark the term " The Diggers ".

Susie O'Brien - called chunder-inducing film 'Bridesmaids' "the greatest piece of pro-female culture in 2011". What about Penny 'miaow' Wong and Julie 'bulldog chewing on a wasp' Bishop in federal parliament and Luke Jarrad's efforts for Woodville West Torrens?

Channel 9 - have gone too fucking far by giving serial fuckwit Cosi his own tv travel show. The cunt is neither funny nor entertaining, you have no idea what evil you are unleashing onto our tv screens. Is it not bad enough that Keith 'I do a cracking impression of Rolf Harris, but beside that am as entertaining as a Glenelg v North game' Conlon inflicts ocular genocide upon us weekly?

Snoop Dogg - wants to release his own dictionary, the doggtionary. Hoho you're a fucken comedian, Cosi might sign you up as a scriptwriter for his fucken show. He wants to include such intellectual terms as fo-shizzle, G, and hustla. I've got a few suggestions as well - fuckwit, numnut, dickhead, cockmuncher, arseclown - see Snoop Dogg.

Andy Murray - has again displayed his penchant for falling to bits like a soggy sao by crashing out of Wimbledon again. Apparently in one of his earlier games Kate and Wills popped in for a look in between doing important things such as ...... umm... being a royal. When he heard they had been there Andy was heard to quip "If I'd known they were coming I would have shaved". I don't think either of them would've cared if you had a five o'clock shadow on ya bikini line ya dickhead.

David Cameron - after close political ally Christopher Shale died at the Glastonbury festival David remarked, "A big rock in my life has rolled away". He didn't roll away Davey, he did an Elvis and croaked on the shitter.

Ty Allen - he's done a Neil Craig by calling the current Glenelg squad the most talented he's been involved with. Mind you it's only Glenelg, there's as much talent there as on a fucken Coles advert.

Scott Bryant – the 40-year-old bloke from Brisbane who tried to set fire to a Service Station because they ran out of sausage rolls. "It's a very extreme reaction for not being able to satisfy somebody's need for the munchies when they've had something to drink," Magistrate Alan Taylor said. And even more fucking ridiculous given that the average shelf life for a sausage roll in a servo is normally 2 fucking years. You would be safer eating a German cucumber.

Maria del Mar Arjona - the 19-year-old woman who was caught trying to sneak her husband out of a Mexican prison in a suitcase following a conjugal visit. Staff at the prison in Chetumal noticed that the woman seemed nervous and was pulling a black, wheeled suitcase that looked bulky, police say. Prison guards checked her bag and found inmate Juan Ramirez Tijerina curled up inside in the foetal position. Her lawyers have blamed Qantas baggage handlers.

South Africa's National Taxi Council – for revealing plans to launch a budget airline. Yeah, they are introducing these revolutionary new aeroplanes – they are yellow, have no wings, are piloted by currymunchers, and look remarkably like cars.

Nicole Cornes - for being awarded $85,000 for being offended by a classic Mick Molloy joke that she rooted Stewie Dew. Come on, it was cracking joke! Apparently, Stewie Dew is going to counter-sue her because he is fucking offended by the suggestion that he went anywhere near Studley's missus. I'm also considering suing Nicole because I was fucking offended by her attempt to win a seat in Federal Parliament in 2007. Who could ever forget her comment, "well, I don't live in the district but I do shop here." Well, I suppose now you've got $85,000 you can do some more of that shopping. How about putting some of that cash towards getting ya hubby a fucking face-lift or ya step-sons some one-on-one time with Lionel Logue.

Jay Weatherall - Wannabe Labor premier and renowned cock-smoker. The little back-stabbing goat rooter turns up at a Chad subscriber’s local gym for the first time (and hopefully last) wearing his poofter length skins. Who wears ankle length skins to an indoor heated gym other than Nathan Van Berlo for fucks sake?? Anyway the little union bitch proceeds to walk around with his iPhone texting who the fuck knows – probably Ranga Gillard getting tips on how to back stab Media Mike and assume the top job – and whilst dry rooting his iPhone, starts using a machine that is clearly already in use by a member as evidenced by the drink, towel and the fact that the member was 30cm from the machine and hadn’t left the area for 10 minutes. This is an act punishable by death. When the little union whore was informed of the error in his ways (“you ever fucking touch equipment I am fucking using again and I will fucking smash you over the fucking head with it”) he shat himself faster than Kane Cornes or Brent Stanton going for a contested possession, and slinked back to his iPhone to molest it some more. Stay the fuck away prick!

Robbie Katter - son of Bob. Just what Australia needs, another fucking Katter in Parliament. Robbie is the perfect example of why cousins shouldn't root.

Prime Minister of Samoa - for praising his country's transsexuals by calling them "glorious miracles of god" with their "blonde hair, glossy lipstick, and sporting Gucci handbags". Sounds like a description of a certain Woodville West Torrens wingman.

Prince - for demanding a limo after refusing to walk 25 metres from his dressing room to the stage at a music festival in England. You fucking little purple turd. Purple Rain, my arse, how about a fucking Golden Shower.

The Greens - just fuck off. Bob Brown, isn't it about time you returned AIDS to the monkeys? And what about Sarah Hanson-Young? I'm all for giving retards a fair go (Brett Ratten is doing quite well at Carlton) but we don't need one that is in a position to make decisons that will completely fuck up this country.

The Chadvertiser - for their big question, "who is the Crows best coach of the decade? Pam Ayres or Craig David?" The answer is dead easy - who gives a shit.

Andrew Maher - you should pay the $85,000 Mick owes Mrs Studley Dew. While Mick is funny, you are just an annoying fuckwit. Hopefully, Lachlan Murdoch taps you on the shoulder very soon, wanker.

Tiger Airways CEO Crawford Rix - Crawford Rix? For fuck sake, you have got to be kidding me? The cunt sounds like he should be on the set of The Bold and The Beautiful.

Prime Ranga Julia Gillard - for reassuring coal mining communities their future is "absolutely" secure under her plan to tackle climate change through the carbon tax. Well, Julia, what is the fucking point of a carbon tax then, ya fuckwit? Wouldn't have anything to do with wealth re-distribution, would it?

Australian Christian Lobby - for condemning a risque flyer for wax treatments showing a woman in sexy lingerie with a cat sitting between her open legs, and the slogan "What's New Pussycat?" The ACL's chief of staff, Lyle Shelton, said it's no laughing matter. "This seems to be the advertising industry yet again thumbing its nose at the idea that children should be protected from inappropriate sexual messages," he said. You fucking wanker. When have the Christian Lobby ever given a stuff about protecting kids? I don’t think I’ve ever heard the bastards kick up a stink about all those fucking kiddy-fiddling priests. Just fuck off back under that rock from which you crawled. And Lyle is a fucking poncy name too.

Dewayne Yarbrough - when he was arrested in the US for keeping a 1.2m alligator he told police he was keeping the pet in a tiny tank in his kitchen because "chicks dig it." Yeah, the kind of chicks that live in trailer parks with their 12 kids from 12 different fathers. You know, the same chicks that would go out with Western Bulldogs players.

Sting - for cancelling his concert in Kazakhstan as a protest against the government. The only cunt who gives a shit is Borat.

Shaun Tait - has proved yet again that he won't be requiring the services of the heart foundation any time soon by selling himself to the highest bidder in the bigbash comp. Players like Callum Ferguson and David Hussey stayed with their home states for less money than they could have got elsewhere but tinkerbell sold his arse like a cheap Vietnamese good time ladyboy (see Bob Brown for more info on cheap Vietnamese good time ladyboys). Good riddance, you're as loyal as Cheryl Kernot, and we all know how she fucken ended up don't we? (no, we mean out on her arse, not on the end of Gareth Evan's nob)

Max Stevens - Former Cycling SA boss, sports manager and rodent-like-cunt has asked for his bail conditions to be varied so he can travel interstate. Quote Max "I can't come into court every time. It's affecting my employment." Boo fucken hoo, you were the one that got pinched for DUI and multiple driving without licence offences, so don't try to pretend you're some sort of fucken victim ya fucken weasel.

Justice Peek - Supreme Court judge who awarded Nicole Cornes $85,000. He also commented that Mr and Mrs Skeletor had had their reputations for having "high moral standards" damaged by the Mick Molloy joke. High moral standards? That's about as laughable as saying Shaun Tait is a hard, tough, loyal athlete or Bronwyn Bishop isn't a fat pig or Jack Snelling isn't a Bronwyn Bishop impersonator. Just ask Wayne Phillis about Studley's high moral standards - the cunt got a black-eye for maintaining his high moral standards with Wayne's wife in 1977. Get fucked, Studley.

Derryn Hinch - self-confessed pisshead has scored himself a liver. So he's got a free pass after years of self-abuse in front of some other poor bastard who didn't drink the equivalent of the Jim Beam distillery throughout their life and just crapped out health wise. It's not fucken right. You might say, "that's life ", Hinchy, I say, "that's fucked, give it back you withered old cunt. shame, fuckwit, shame."

Adelaide Oval bridge - for costing an estimated $40 million. What the fuck? Is it a fucking replica of the Sydney Harbour Bridge? Or maybe some bright spark as decided we need a re-tractable bridge?

Michaelangelo Rucci - for his continued attacks on the SANFL and anyone who dares to support it, like Rob Lucas. Lucas might barrack for a fucking shit team with a cockhead CEO, but I'll think you find he actually goes to most West Adelaide games. Rucci, when was the last SANFL game you attended? It is about time you shut your pie hole and found something more constructive to do with your life - like join the News of the World, shithead.