We are coming to the end of the footy season and choking has featured heavily in this year’s finals series in both the SANFL and AFL. Firstly, Glenelg picked up last week’s Chad for its unrivalled choking record in SANFL finals. A well deserved reward for their choking efforts not only this season but in their entire laughable history. And then Collingwood almost matched them by going disappointingly close to losing to St Kilda in the AFL Grand Final after having what should have been a match-winning lead at half-time. But in the second-half, the Collywobbles kicked in. Harry O’Brien dropped several marks when he tried to save some wayward seagulls. He then protested profusely to the umpires about the use of leather footballs, avoiding them at all costs in the final quarter. St Kilda should have won the game but Lenny Hayes bowled a fucking googly instead of kicking a goal and the match was drawn. Collingwood skipper, Nick Maxwell Smart, showed great leadership at the end of the game by lifting up his skirt and taking his footy home, saying it was joke having to play again. He was last seen having a tantrum at Collingwood training, crying and screaming to Mick, “You can’t make me do it!!!!! I won’t do it!!!!! I want my dummy back!!!!” All a bit hard, is it, Nick? Too much pressure on ya? Well, why don’t you spend some of that $500,000 a year you get paid to play and catch a plane to Bali and put ya feet up and relax. Just don’t fly Virgin Blue. The big question about next week’s game is will the AFL change the rules and allow Travis Cloke to bring in a substitute goal-kicker whenever he marks to ball within 15 metres of goal?
So who is the winner of this week’s Chad? Well, it is a draw - between Collingwood and James Hird. Collingwood led early but were almost run over the top by Hirdy.
Eddie McGuire was spot on when he described Collingwood as a bunch of cunts that could not beat a team of cripples.
And what about the golden child, James Hird? For three months, the Bombers favourite son has said he does not want to coach the Bombers. He cited business reasons but we all know the real reason - he didn’t want to part from Mike Sheahan in “On The Couch”. Throughout this time of denial, he was scathing in his criticism of the performance of perennial fuckwit Matty Knights, suggesting on many occasions that the Bombers had the playing list to play finals football. But there was a dramatic fall-out between Hirdy and Mike Sheahan and they are getting a divorce. Luckily, they have agreed to share custody of the couch.
So Hirdy has now been appointed to coach the Bombers for the next four years with a support staff that rivals the combined size of the Commonwealth public service and the Pentagon. Hirdy is already hedging his bets by going back on his assessment that the Bombers playing list is capable of playing finals footy. No, Hirdy has not promised Bombers’ fans that they will be playing finals footy. Instead, he has vowed to “improve” the Bombers. Big effort, Hirdy, it is not hard to improve on the turd-like performance in 2010. You could put Tony Curtis in charge of the Bombers and get an instant improvement.
So congratulations, Collingwood and James Hird on drawing this week’s Chad Medal – no doubt we’ll see you back for next week’s replay.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Chad Nominations - Week 16
James Hird – for finally accepting the Essendon job after denying he wanted it for the past three months. Hirdy is on record as saying that some dramatic things would have to change in his life for him to accept the job – I guess having your balls finally drop can be quite dramatic.
Essendon – for replacing its entire playing list with a coaching panel that includes, apart from James Hird, Sir Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wegner, Vince Lombardi, Norm Smith, Jack Oatey, John Buchanan, Harry Hopman, Guus Hiddink, Phil Jackson, Jan Stirling, Lawrie Lawrence, and Pat Riley. How many fuckwits does it take to carry a whiteboard and move witches hats?
Dale Lewis – for wanting to dry root James Hird’s leg.
Collingwood and St Kilda – for not wanting to step-up and end their respective premiership droughts. Fuckwits.
Nick Maxwell – for squealing like a stuck pig that he has to play in another Grand Final this weekend. Apparently he is pissed off that he has had to cancel a manicure and facial appointment that he had planned so time ago.
Travis Cloke – for taking advice on handling pressure shots from Greg Norman.
Leon Davis – for being a big game player. There is only one place for you to go after a choke like that again, Neon – Glenelg.
Dale Thomas – for not wanting to win the game for Collingwood. When he took a mark 30 metres out from goal in the third quarter, instead of going back and kicking the goal, he passed the ball to his vastly inexperienced teammate in Blair, who went on to miss the goal. Daisy, if you spent has much time in front of the goals at practice as you do in front of a mirror preening your fucking ridiculous hair, then you would have kicked that goal.
Harry O’Brien – for choking in the second half of the grand final. Harry, not one Collingwood supporter gives a rat’s arse if you save the endangered bald-headed Bolivian badger – they just want you to do what you are paid to do and that is to stop your fucking opponent and put your balls on the line and not drop easy marks that cost your team goals.
The Grand Final Sherrin – for choosing the dying moments of the game to re-enact Shane Warne’s ball of the century.
James Heselden (owner of the company that makes the Segway two-wheeled scooters) – for driving himself and his two-wheeled scooter over a 30 foot cliff in England. Both were pronounced dead at the scene.
Gary Ablett and other Gold Coast recruits – come on you dickheads, we all know you went for the cash, so don’t be fuckwits and just admit it.
Campbell Brown – for his outstanding audition on The Footy Show Player’s Revue to be Gold Coast’s new head cheerleader. If he doesn’t get that gig, then there is a spot at the head of the Mardi Gras for ya.
Richard Champion – for being Richard Champion and for also believing that people would appreciate him being pissed as a newt and trying to sing “You’re The Voice” at an AFL Grand Final post-match function.
Brent Staker – for being a tossbag during the Footy Show’s Player Revue and for being a tossbag at the AFL Grand Final post-match function. Where is Barry Hall when you need him?
Commonwealth Games – for being less relevant than a primary school sport’s day. You know it is a complete and utter joke when Brian Taylor is favoured to win the 100 metre sprint gold medal.
Pakistan - for rejecting as unsatisfactory residential facilities at the Commonwealth Games village in New Delhi, warning organisers to make improvements or provide alternative accommodation. Obviously, the slums are of a higher standard in Pakistan.
Commonwealth Games organising chief Suresh Kalmadi – for saying that he Commonwealth's western countries have conspired to unleash the scathing criticism which has marred the build-up to the games. You fuckwit, don’t blame us for your cock-ups – you couldn’t put two lego blocks together.
Rob Oakeshott – for being Rob Oakeshott. In other words, a complete fuckwit. You are now making Bob Katter look sane.
Justin Westhoff – for procreating. Obviously rooting ya relatives is encouraged at Port Adelaide. The Williams family set the precedent.
Media Mike Rann – for abandoning Labor ‘s heartland in the western suburbs. He mouthed-off about how he would "bulldoze" bikie fortresses but instead, he is knocking down a community centre across the road from one. You fuckwit.
The Cloke Family – for declaring that Travis won't choke in the grand final replay. "Oh please ... he hasn't choked yet," Cameron Cloke said. He then went on to say that the world is flat and that the Pope is NOT Catholic.
The Legal Practioners Conduct Board - for not releasing its findings into a mis-conduct charge against hit-run lawyer/coward/fuckwit Eugene McGee. No wonder the general public places lawyers alongside terrorists.
Virgin Blue – for still using a Commodore 64 to run their check-in system.
Rachida Dati (France’s former justice minister) – for confusing oral sex with rising prices as she launched an attack on foreign investment funds. "When I see some of them (funds) looking for returns of 20 or 25 percent, at a time when fellatio is almost non-existent...," she said during an interview on Europe 1 radio. It is understandable, Bill Clinton made the same mistake with Monica Lewinsky, he just thought she wanted to talk about inflation.
Harry the Chihuahua – for faking his own death. Apparently, he spent the last few weeks with Elvis and Jim Morrison.
The AFL – for hiring Lionel Richie as the pre-match entertainment in the Grand Final Replay. They would be better off with either Greg or Kate. Reports suggest that Andrew Demetripoo misinterpreted Mike Fitzpatrick’s suggestion of hiring Richie Benaud, “Hey, you fat dumb wog, why don’t we ask Richie?”
Mitchell Johnson – for spending more time modelling than bowling.
Crows members – for whinging about not having the exact same seat to sit in at the new Adelaide Oval. You fuckwits, does it really matter where you sit to watch the Crows get flogged?
SANFL team of the year – for including Kane Tenace, Luke Panozzo, Tristan Gum, Brant Chambers, Rourry Kirkby and Jade Sheedy. Obviously some of the selectors thought they were selecting the SANFL cheerleaders team of the year. In that case, there is one glaring omission, head pom-pom twirler, Luke Jarrad.
Tristan Gum – for being called Tristan. No footballer should be called Tristan. Tristan is someone who bats from the Paddington End. Perhaps then it is apt that he plays for Sturt.
Michaelangelo Rucci – for his suggestion that anyone who playes a game in a premiership year should get a medal. What is the fucking point? Premiership medals have been worthless ever since Aaron Keating picked up two in 1997.
Rowey and Fitzy – for obvious fucking reasons. Although, you have to respect Bedford Industries for getting the pair of them jobs on radio.
Rowey – for going crook at Derryn Hinch for spreading rumours about Eddie McGuire. You fuckwit, Rowey, ever heard of the saying “the pot calling the kettle black”. Didn’t Eddie sue you a few years back for spreading rumours about him?
Rucci – for continually inferring that the Bays were going to win the SANFL flag in his pig vomit Rucci’s Roast column in the Advertiser. Anyone with half brain (eg Rowey and Fitzy combined) knows that a Bay’s premiership is about as rare as humility in the Cornes household.
Chris McDermott – for whinging like a bound-up Graham Cornes about replaying Grand Finals. It’s called “tradition” fuckwit. You’re good at destroying traditions, aren’t you Bone, just like mateship, ask Fweddy McGuinness.
The AFL – for hiring two buskers from Rundle Mall to sing the national anthem. Better than wheeling Johnny Farnham out again, I guess.
The Block – for bringing television to a new low. Can’t wait for this week’s edition when they renovate that room full of asbestos.
The Crows – for contemplating recruiting Richard Tambling. Don’t you already have enough soft-cocks in your side?
Ijaz Butt “Plug” – for withdrawing his accusation of match-fixing he levelled against the Poms, claiming it was a “misunderstanding”. Yeah, righto, you fuckwit, you misunderstood that not everyone is as shonky and crooked as Pakistan.
Alberto Contador – for testing positive for steroids at the Tour de France and claiming it was from food contamination. Yeah, we believe you Alberto, that needle filled with steroids that you ordered for breakfast from the Café De Roids was contaminated. Fuckwit.
Farran Ray (St Kilda) – offloaded by the Dogs because he was soft and hopeless and played like a rabbit in the headlights, only to reward the Saints with 2 inept Grand Final appearances in a row. Soon to be 3. Oh, and he has a fuckwit of a name too. Farren sounds like an actress that would appear on the Bold and the Beautiful. Which is pretty much spot on in describing his football ability.
AFL/Demetripoo/Anderson – for calling that pre-game garbage “entertainment”. Even the MCG's sewerage system agreed, registering its displeasure by dumping shit in the changerooms after the game.
Essendon – for replacing its entire playing list with a coaching panel that includes, apart from James Hird, Sir Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wegner, Vince Lombardi, Norm Smith, Jack Oatey, John Buchanan, Harry Hopman, Guus Hiddink, Phil Jackson, Jan Stirling, Lawrie Lawrence, and Pat Riley. How many fuckwits does it take to carry a whiteboard and move witches hats?
Dale Lewis – for wanting to dry root James Hird’s leg.
Collingwood and St Kilda – for not wanting to step-up and end their respective premiership droughts. Fuckwits.
Nick Maxwell – for squealing like a stuck pig that he has to play in another Grand Final this weekend. Apparently he is pissed off that he has had to cancel a manicure and facial appointment that he had planned so time ago.
Travis Cloke – for taking advice on handling pressure shots from Greg Norman.
Leon Davis – for being a big game player. There is only one place for you to go after a choke like that again, Neon – Glenelg.
Dale Thomas – for not wanting to win the game for Collingwood. When he took a mark 30 metres out from goal in the third quarter, instead of going back and kicking the goal, he passed the ball to his vastly inexperienced teammate in Blair, who went on to miss the goal. Daisy, if you spent has much time in front of the goals at practice as you do in front of a mirror preening your fucking ridiculous hair, then you would have kicked that goal.
Harry O’Brien – for choking in the second half of the grand final. Harry, not one Collingwood supporter gives a rat’s arse if you save the endangered bald-headed Bolivian badger – they just want you to do what you are paid to do and that is to stop your fucking opponent and put your balls on the line and not drop easy marks that cost your team goals.
The Grand Final Sherrin – for choosing the dying moments of the game to re-enact Shane Warne’s ball of the century.
James Heselden (owner of the company that makes the Segway two-wheeled scooters) – for driving himself and his two-wheeled scooter over a 30 foot cliff in England. Both were pronounced dead at the scene.
Gary Ablett and other Gold Coast recruits – come on you dickheads, we all know you went for the cash, so don’t be fuckwits and just admit it.
Campbell Brown – for his outstanding audition on The Footy Show Player’s Revue to be Gold Coast’s new head cheerleader. If he doesn’t get that gig, then there is a spot at the head of the Mardi Gras for ya.
Richard Champion – for being Richard Champion and for also believing that people would appreciate him being pissed as a newt and trying to sing “You’re The Voice” at an AFL Grand Final post-match function.
Brent Staker – for being a tossbag during the Footy Show’s Player Revue and for being a tossbag at the AFL Grand Final post-match function. Where is Barry Hall when you need him?
Commonwealth Games – for being less relevant than a primary school sport’s day. You know it is a complete and utter joke when Brian Taylor is favoured to win the 100 metre sprint gold medal.
Pakistan - for rejecting as unsatisfactory residential facilities at the Commonwealth Games village in New Delhi, warning organisers to make improvements or provide alternative accommodation. Obviously, the slums are of a higher standard in Pakistan.
Commonwealth Games organising chief Suresh Kalmadi – for saying that he Commonwealth's western countries have conspired to unleash the scathing criticism which has marred the build-up to the games. You fuckwit, don’t blame us for your cock-ups – you couldn’t put two lego blocks together.
Rob Oakeshott – for being Rob Oakeshott. In other words, a complete fuckwit. You are now making Bob Katter look sane.
Justin Westhoff – for procreating. Obviously rooting ya relatives is encouraged at Port Adelaide. The Williams family set the precedent.
Media Mike Rann – for abandoning Labor ‘s heartland in the western suburbs. He mouthed-off about how he would "bulldoze" bikie fortresses but instead, he is knocking down a community centre across the road from one. You fuckwit.
The Cloke Family – for declaring that Travis won't choke in the grand final replay. "Oh please ... he hasn't choked yet," Cameron Cloke said. He then went on to say that the world is flat and that the Pope is NOT Catholic.
The Legal Practioners Conduct Board - for not releasing its findings into a mis-conduct charge against hit-run lawyer/coward/fuckwit Eugene McGee. No wonder the general public places lawyers alongside terrorists.
Virgin Blue – for still using a Commodore 64 to run their check-in system.
Rachida Dati (France’s former justice minister) – for confusing oral sex with rising prices as she launched an attack on foreign investment funds. "When I see some of them (funds) looking for returns of 20 or 25 percent, at a time when fellatio is almost non-existent...," she said during an interview on Europe 1 radio. It is understandable, Bill Clinton made the same mistake with Monica Lewinsky, he just thought she wanted to talk about inflation.
Harry the Chihuahua – for faking his own death. Apparently, he spent the last few weeks with Elvis and Jim Morrison.
The AFL – for hiring Lionel Richie as the pre-match entertainment in the Grand Final Replay. They would be better off with either Greg or Kate. Reports suggest that Andrew Demetripoo misinterpreted Mike Fitzpatrick’s suggestion of hiring Richie Benaud, “Hey, you fat dumb wog, why don’t we ask Richie?”
Mitchell Johnson – for spending more time modelling than bowling.
Crows members – for whinging about not having the exact same seat to sit in at the new Adelaide Oval. You fuckwits, does it really matter where you sit to watch the Crows get flogged?
SANFL team of the year – for including Kane Tenace, Luke Panozzo, Tristan Gum, Brant Chambers, Rourry Kirkby and Jade Sheedy. Obviously some of the selectors thought they were selecting the SANFL cheerleaders team of the year. In that case, there is one glaring omission, head pom-pom twirler, Luke Jarrad.
Tristan Gum – for being called Tristan. No footballer should be called Tristan. Tristan is someone who bats from the Paddington End. Perhaps then it is apt that he plays for Sturt.
Michaelangelo Rucci – for his suggestion that anyone who playes a game in a premiership year should get a medal. What is the fucking point? Premiership medals have been worthless ever since Aaron Keating picked up two in 1997.
Rowey and Fitzy – for obvious fucking reasons. Although, you have to respect Bedford Industries for getting the pair of them jobs on radio.
Rowey – for going crook at Derryn Hinch for spreading rumours about Eddie McGuire. You fuckwit, Rowey, ever heard of the saying “the pot calling the kettle black”. Didn’t Eddie sue you a few years back for spreading rumours about him?
Rucci – for continually inferring that the Bays were going to win the SANFL flag in his pig vomit Rucci’s Roast column in the Advertiser. Anyone with half brain (eg Rowey and Fitzy combined) knows that a Bay’s premiership is about as rare as humility in the Cornes household.
Chris McDermott – for whinging like a bound-up Graham Cornes about replaying Grand Finals. It’s called “tradition” fuckwit. You’re good at destroying traditions, aren’t you Bone, just like mateship, ask Fweddy McGuinness.
The AFL – for hiring two buskers from Rundle Mall to sing the national anthem. Better than wheeling Johnny Farnham out again, I guess.
The Block – for bringing television to a new low. Can’t wait for this week’s edition when they renovate that room full of asbestos.
The Crows – for contemplating recruiting Richard Tambling. Don’t you already have enough soft-cocks in your side?
Ijaz Butt “Plug” – for withdrawing his accusation of match-fixing he levelled against the Poms, claiming it was a “misunderstanding”. Yeah, righto, you fuckwit, you misunderstood that not everyone is as shonky and crooked as Pakistan.
Alberto Contador – for testing positive for steroids at the Tour de France and claiming it was from food contamination. Yeah, we believe you Alberto, that needle filled with steroids that you ordered for breakfast from the Café De Roids was contaminated. Fuckwit.
Farran Ray (St Kilda) – offloaded by the Dogs because he was soft and hopeless and played like a rabbit in the headlights, only to reward the Saints with 2 inept Grand Final appearances in a row. Soon to be 3. Oh, and he has a fuckwit of a name too. Farren sounds like an actress that would appear on the Bold and the Beautiful. Which is pretty much spot on in describing his football ability.
AFL/Demetripoo/Anderson – for calling that pre-game garbage “entertainment”. Even the MCG's sewerage system agreed, registering its displeasure by dumping shit in the changerooms after the game.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Chad - Week 15 winner
The winner of this week’s Chad will come as no surprise to anyone. Despite a fine fusty field of fantastically fetid fuckwits, there was one outstanding nominee that rose high above the pack. This nominee has an incredibly long history of being a complete and utter fuckwit. And that fuckwit is the Glenelg Football Club.
Right from its inception, Glenelg has been a consistent fuckwit. It entered the SANFL in 1921 and proceeded to lose 56 games in succession before winning its first game on May 2, 1925 – a fucking dark day for football. It wasn’t until 1926 that Glenelg was able to lift itself of the bottom of the ladder – in a stellar season (by Glenelg standards) it finished a lofty second to bottom. The pricks won their first flag in 1934 but that proved to be a total aberration as they returned to form the following season by finishing bottom.
It would be another 39 years of ineptitude before they won their second flag in 1973, beating their grand final bunnies, North Adelaide. However, this began a sensational run of choking in grand finals, a trait that the Glenelg has become world renowned for. They lost to Sturt in 1974, the mighty Redlegs in 1975, Port in 1977, Port in 1981, and the Redlegs once again 1982. Luckily for them, in 1985 and 1986, they came up against their bunnies, North Adelaide, winning two grand finals by default. But since that time, it has been one choke after another. They lost to North in 1987, Port in 1988, 1990, and 1992. Since then, they have installed a conga line of suckholes as coaches who have maintained Glenelg’s proud record of failure - Kym Hodgeman, Choco Williams, Tony Symonds, Wayne Stringer, Fweddy McGuiness, Brenton Honor, Peter Simmons and finally Mark “Rubbers” Mickan. All could proudly wear a Chad Medal, but none is more deserving than Tony Symonds. Not only is Symonds an inaugural member of the Tontine Australian Football Hall of Shame, but he was the first woman to coach an SANFL team.
Despite Glenelg’s embarrassing history, the current crop of nancy-boys have taken Glenelg to a whole new level, particularly in the past three years. They are the classic case of “March Champions, September Chumps”. When the going gets tough, they disappear quicker than a pie off Eddie McGuire’s plate. They have inspired the likes of Sam Stosur and Adam Scott to under-achieve on the world stage. Take a look at their record in the past 3 years. In 2008, they finished minor premiers and were the hot favourites to beat Centrals in the granny. After hitting the front early in the 3rd quarter, they completely crumbled, allowing the Dogs to kick 5 goals in 15 minutes and handing the premiership cup to Centrals on a nice silver platter. In 2009, they again finished minor premier before folding like the squibs they are in straight sets. Come 2010, and it was once again going to be the Bays year. They went into the last minor round game in first place and needing to beat Centrals to secure the minor premiership. But it was a wet day at Elizabeth and the Glenelg players didn’t want to muddy their nice clean guernseys and their brand new netball skirts and the fuckwits didn’t give a yelp, handing the Dogs the minor premiership. And we all know what happened next – another straight sets exit – firstly smashed into submission by the Redlegs (not unexpected) and then losing a game of hide the sausage to the Eagles (and handing the coveted Payze-Symonds Butt Plug Trophy to the Eagles – Luke Jarrad gratefully bent over and accepted the plug from Payze). So that makes 5 successive finals losses to the Bays and a 2 and 7 record for Rubbers. But all is not lost, Bay supporters, you don’t end the season empty-handed, because I am pleased to announce that Glenelg are this week’s winner of the Chad Medal. Congratulations, Glenelg, I hope you don’t choke on it, you fuckwits.
Right from its inception, Glenelg has been a consistent fuckwit. It entered the SANFL in 1921 and proceeded to lose 56 games in succession before winning its first game on May 2, 1925 – a fucking dark day for football. It wasn’t until 1926 that Glenelg was able to lift itself of the bottom of the ladder – in a stellar season (by Glenelg standards) it finished a lofty second to bottom. The pricks won their first flag in 1934 but that proved to be a total aberration as they returned to form the following season by finishing bottom.
It would be another 39 years of ineptitude before they won their second flag in 1973, beating their grand final bunnies, North Adelaide. However, this began a sensational run of choking in grand finals, a trait that the Glenelg has become world renowned for. They lost to Sturt in 1974, the mighty Redlegs in 1975, Port in 1977, Port in 1981, and the Redlegs once again 1982. Luckily for them, in 1985 and 1986, they came up against their bunnies, North Adelaide, winning two grand finals by default. But since that time, it has been one choke after another. They lost to North in 1987, Port in 1988, 1990, and 1992. Since then, they have installed a conga line of suckholes as coaches who have maintained Glenelg’s proud record of failure - Kym Hodgeman, Choco Williams, Tony Symonds, Wayne Stringer, Fweddy McGuiness, Brenton Honor, Peter Simmons and finally Mark “Rubbers” Mickan. All could proudly wear a Chad Medal, but none is more deserving than Tony Symonds. Not only is Symonds an inaugural member of the Tontine Australian Football Hall of Shame, but he was the first woman to coach an SANFL team.
Despite Glenelg’s embarrassing history, the current crop of nancy-boys have taken Glenelg to a whole new level, particularly in the past three years. They are the classic case of “March Champions, September Chumps”. When the going gets tough, they disappear quicker than a pie off Eddie McGuire’s plate. They have inspired the likes of Sam Stosur and Adam Scott to under-achieve on the world stage. Take a look at their record in the past 3 years. In 2008, they finished minor premiers and were the hot favourites to beat Centrals in the granny. After hitting the front early in the 3rd quarter, they completely crumbled, allowing the Dogs to kick 5 goals in 15 minutes and handing the premiership cup to Centrals on a nice silver platter. In 2009, they again finished minor premier before folding like the squibs they are in straight sets. Come 2010, and it was once again going to be the Bays year. They went into the last minor round game in first place and needing to beat Centrals to secure the minor premiership. But it was a wet day at Elizabeth and the Glenelg players didn’t want to muddy their nice clean guernseys and their brand new netball skirts and the fuckwits didn’t give a yelp, handing the Dogs the minor premiership. And we all know what happened next – another straight sets exit – firstly smashed into submission by the Redlegs (not unexpected) and then losing a game of hide the sausage to the Eagles (and handing the coveted Payze-Symonds Butt Plug Trophy to the Eagles – Luke Jarrad gratefully bent over and accepted the plug from Payze). So that makes 5 successive finals losses to the Bays and a 2 and 7 record for Rubbers. But all is not lost, Bay supporters, you don’t end the season empty-handed, because I am pleased to announce that Glenelg are this week’s winner of the Chad Medal. Congratulations, Glenelg, I hope you don’t choke on it, you fuckwits.
The Chad - week 15 nominations
Kid Rock – for getting into a fight at a Waffle House restaurant with a bloke who asked Kid about his ex-wife, Pamela Anderson. Apparently, Kid was upset that the guy thought her performance in the Tommy Lee home video was far superior to her performance in Baywatch. The Hoff agrees. So does Tommy.
David Garrett (NZ MP) – for stealing the identity of a dead baby to obtain a fake passport in 1984. You fuckwit, you didn’t think you could get through customs as “Azaria Chamberlain”, did you?
Kevin Foley – for apologising to South Australian voters for the “painful things” in his budget. To quote Kev, “What we've tried to do with this Budget, as best as possible, is to take the pain internally…” Take the pain internally? Good one, Kev, I’d say it is the general public that have been bent over, not you, you tossbag.
Bethany Storro – the US woman who gained sympathy worldwide after she claimed a random assailant threw acid on her face and has now come forward with the admission that she inflicted the attack on herself. Apparently, this has inspired Graham Cornes to finally admit that his face is also self-inflicted.
Patricia Cuda – the school bus driver in the US who was fired for letting two students - ages 13 and 15 - drive her bus while other young passengers were on board. She reportedly told school officials she allowed the teens to drive because they asked to. Apparently, that is exactly the same response given by both Port’s Brett Duncanson and Essendon’s David Evans when they were asked why they re-signed Choco Williams and Matty Knights respectively last year only to sack them less than a year later, costing each club close to a million dollars. Both fuckwits said it was because Choco and Matty “asked us to”.
Employers – for hiring people who exaggerate their achievements during the interview process, only to find out the truth when they have been hired. A survey by a recruitment firm found that 61% of employers complained that candidates had exaggerated their background, only to find their staff lacked hands-on experience. Essendon was one of the 61%.
George Michael – for crying like a baby when locked up in prison for being caught driving whilst on drugs. George, you should have been locked away for life without parole the moment you released “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”. And how you escaped the death penalty for “Careless Whisper” is beyond me.
Jamie Oliver – for naming his newborn son, Buddy Bear Maurice. You must be a massive fan of Channel 9’s Wide World of Sports, Jamie, to name your son after former presenter, Ian “Bear” Maurice.
Bruce McAvaney – who is Bruce going to toss over this weekend? St Nick or Didak?
Glenelg – for offering their supporters a new membership deal that provides members with free holiday packages in September.
Kanye West – for releasing the longest ever music video - a 40-minute epic for his new Runaway single. The song’s story of a phoenix that falls to earth, is severely criticised and then burns herself to escape, is inspired by the entertainer’s own story. What the fuck?? Kanye, you could have saved the big bucks and got me to direct your video instead - I could have summed up your musical career by filming my regular Sunday morning dump.
Yuksel Yesilova – the coach of a Turkish soccer team who is in hospital after recovering today after his brother allegedly jumped out of the crowd and stabbed him in front of thousands of shocked fans. Essendon fans were wondering in about round 22 if Matty Knights had a long-lost Turkish brother.
Cooking shows – I can wait for the new one on Channel 10 which is set in the highlands of Papua New Guinea and will be hosted by Hannibal Lector.
The Western Bulldogs leadership group – for setting an incredibly high standard for the rest of the team. Johnson (0), Murphy (1), Giansiracusa (2), Eagleton (0), Gilbee (1), Griffen (1), Lake (0), Hudson (0) and Hall (1) combined for a grand total of six tackles. That matched the combined number of tackles from the entire careers of Andrew Payze and Tony Symonds.
Nathan Thompson – for suggesting the Western Bulldogs need a wrestling coach to fix their tacking issues. Thommo, you fuckwit, hiring Hulk Hogan won’t improve their tackling but I’m sure their stats on figure-four-leg-locks will sky rocket.
Ricky Ponting – for his freshly laid rug. Obviously he is competing with Doug Bollinger for the Carpet Giants sponsorship dollar.
David Wildy and Stephen Rowe – for complaining that 5AA was not given access by the SANFL to interview players straight after the Norwood v Central game, a right granted exclusively to the ABC. Well, you dickheads, if 5AA actually covered SANFL games during the season, like the ABC and other radio stations such as Life FM and 5RPH do, instead of rocking up like peacocks at finals time and pretending to care about the SANFL then you might have something to complain about. Until then, shut the fuck up.
Channel 9 – for showing the Jim Stynes documentary at 3pm on Sunday, instead of at prime time. Show some respect, Channel 9, you fuckwits.
Corey Enright – for not being able to run inside the yellow interchange line and costing his team a goal. He also got banned from the Xmas pageant as a kid because he could not keep inside the blue line.
Luke Ball – for suggesting his hamstring injury is just a cramp. Yeah, and Jack Newton just had a tennis elbow.
Tom Hawkins – for still being confused about his role on the football field by getting one mark and one kick against Collingwood, both in the dying minutes of the game. Ok, so Darren Jolly was right.
Tony Dey – for his fifth nomination this season. Tony, you know you are a fuckwit when even two of the biggest cheating white maggots to ever grace a football field, Richard Williams and Colin Rowston, both think you are a cheating arsehole.
Weslo security – for being Nazis at Football Park. You idiots, it is the right of every football supporter to yell abuse at the umpires and the opposition.
Craig Moore – for getting arrested by police in Dubai in an “alcohol-related” incident. Craig, sometimes less is more.
Port Adelaide Power – do they seriously expect their supporters to believe that amongst the hundreds of prospective coaches available, that Matthew Primus was the best option? Nothing to do with the fact that Port Adelaide could not afford to pay a coach more than $700 a season and that Dean Laidley left the club as he was paying the club to allow him to be assistant coach. Apparently Adam Kingsley was coaching for free to make up for the years of inept on-field performances. The fuckwits (Port Board) are obviously devoted to ensuring Port fold before the Adelaide Oval refurbishment is complete.
Sturt Junior Basketball Club parents - Sturt Under 12’s defeated Norwood in the State League Div 1 final after Norwood had gone undefeated for 2 years, so a fine effort by the Sturt players. However, the parents of the players saw fit to actually gloat on a Hoops forum and make derogatory comments about the Norwood coach – yes parents of 11 year old kids playing basketball for fun. And Sturt wonder why everyone thinks they are total fuckwits and they are hated across the globe for crimes against decency and good sportsmanship! Could this only happen at Sturt? Apparently the gloating in the Sturt ballet club that many of the fathers participate in is even worse! There is often confusion between the Sturt Ballet Club and the Sturt Football Club – there should be no confusion, the footy players are the ones in pink tutus.
White Maggots in the AFL and SANFL - listen here you blind fuckwits, if a player has prior opportunity and does not (a) kick the ball or (b) handball the ball or (c) he either simply drops it or hangs on to it, it is fucking “holding the ball” or “incorrect disposal” you sons of bitches. Since when has it been ok to just let the ball go and put it on the ground or throw it away? We know that Jeff Gieschen (one of the greatest Chads of all) has well and truly tried to ruin the football fabric and turn the game into Gaelic footy (just because he was fucking useless at the real thing), but it’s time we put a stop to this cancer. Blow your fucking whistles, you little, bald, skinny, nerdy, universally hated pricks and stop costing deserving players and teams their just rewards.
Andrew Demetriou – for his fucking annoying insistence on reading out Collingwood, Geelong and Carlton player votes at the Brownlow with a long pause after saying the first letter of their Christian name in a futile attempt at creating drama. Let’s try the same for the Chad Medal. Round 15, A Demetriou v A Anderson, 1 vote, A………….Fuckwit, 2. votes, A…………………Fuckwit, and 3 votes, A…….…Fuckwit.
Dale Thomas – for so many reasons. 1. For having a christian name for a surname. All people with a christian name for a surname are fuckwits. Examples include Neil Craig, Jack Anthony, George Michael, Mark Harvey, Grant Thomas, Chris Scott (don’t tell him I said that), Craig Hutchison (ok, he’s just a fuckwit), and Michael Christian. 2. For his hair – apparently he exclusively uses the McAvaney range of natural gels which are normally available only on Friday nights during the footy season. 3. For turning up to the Brownlow with some tramp he found in the Collingwood cheer squad (reportedly Joffer’s daughter/sister/cousin) whose eyes are so wide apart they could be mistaken for her ears.
Pakistan Cricket Board chairman Ijaz Butt “Plug” - for trying to deflect criticism of the Pakistani cricket team, by insinuating that the English cricketers threw the third one-dayer. Wrong, Ijaz, the English lost because they are just plain shit.
The New Delhi subsidiary of Dodgy Brothers Construction Contractors Pty Ltd – for an outstanding engineering job in constructing bridges and stadium ceilings for the Commonwealth Games. They have been short-listed for the Adelaide Oval refurbishment – they have a great new idea about installing some retractable lights.
British TV presenter Naomi Lloyd - for mistakenly reporting that a polar bear had washed up on a beach in southern England when in fact it was a cow. Actually, Luke Darcy made a similar mistake during the Brownlow telecast when Brynne Eldeston arrived – he mistakenly reported that a cow had been washed up on the blue carpet when in fact she a slapper.
Brynne Edelston – for wearing an outfit that showed the Brownlow audience what she ate for lunch which resulted in the same audience spewing up theirs.
Geoffrey Edelston – for cracking a fat on the Brownlow blue carpet. Stay off the Viagra, Geoffrey.
Dane Swan – unlike your fuckwit namesake Wayne Swan, not polling enough votes did not result in you winning.
Eddie McGuire – for a great impersonation of the Michelin Man. McGuire, stay off the McNuggets, you McFuckwit.
Liz Ellis – for making Brynne Edelston look good on the blue carpet.
Indy car driver, Will Power – for a Chad of a name. Can’t wait to meet his cousin, Fuck Wit.
Dustin Fletcher – for not knowing when to hang up the boots. Apparently, the Bombers are also going to sign a few new, young recruits – Billy Duckworth and under the “son-father” rule, Merv Neagle and Tim Watson.
Australia’s Davis Cup team – for losing to Trinity Gardens in the local Winter Pennant competition.
David Garrett (NZ MP) – for stealing the identity of a dead baby to obtain a fake passport in 1984. You fuckwit, you didn’t think you could get through customs as “Azaria Chamberlain”, did you?
Kevin Foley – for apologising to South Australian voters for the “painful things” in his budget. To quote Kev, “What we've tried to do with this Budget, as best as possible, is to take the pain internally…” Take the pain internally? Good one, Kev, I’d say it is the general public that have been bent over, not you, you tossbag.
Bethany Storro – the US woman who gained sympathy worldwide after she claimed a random assailant threw acid on her face and has now come forward with the admission that she inflicted the attack on herself. Apparently, this has inspired Graham Cornes to finally admit that his face is also self-inflicted.
Patricia Cuda – the school bus driver in the US who was fired for letting two students - ages 13 and 15 - drive her bus while other young passengers were on board. She reportedly told school officials she allowed the teens to drive because they asked to. Apparently, that is exactly the same response given by both Port’s Brett Duncanson and Essendon’s David Evans when they were asked why they re-signed Choco Williams and Matty Knights respectively last year only to sack them less than a year later, costing each club close to a million dollars. Both fuckwits said it was because Choco and Matty “asked us to”.
Employers – for hiring people who exaggerate their achievements during the interview process, only to find out the truth when they have been hired. A survey by a recruitment firm found that 61% of employers complained that candidates had exaggerated their background, only to find their staff lacked hands-on experience. Essendon was one of the 61%.
George Michael – for crying like a baby when locked up in prison for being caught driving whilst on drugs. George, you should have been locked away for life without parole the moment you released “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”. And how you escaped the death penalty for “Careless Whisper” is beyond me.
Jamie Oliver – for naming his newborn son, Buddy Bear Maurice. You must be a massive fan of Channel 9’s Wide World of Sports, Jamie, to name your son after former presenter, Ian “Bear” Maurice.
Bruce McAvaney – who is Bruce going to toss over this weekend? St Nick or Didak?
Glenelg – for offering their supporters a new membership deal that provides members with free holiday packages in September.
Kanye West – for releasing the longest ever music video - a 40-minute epic for his new Runaway single. The song’s story of a phoenix that falls to earth, is severely criticised and then burns herself to escape, is inspired by the entertainer’s own story. What the fuck?? Kanye, you could have saved the big bucks and got me to direct your video instead - I could have summed up your musical career by filming my regular Sunday morning dump.
Yuksel Yesilova – the coach of a Turkish soccer team who is in hospital after recovering today after his brother allegedly jumped out of the crowd and stabbed him in front of thousands of shocked fans. Essendon fans were wondering in about round 22 if Matty Knights had a long-lost Turkish brother.
Cooking shows – I can wait for the new one on Channel 10 which is set in the highlands of Papua New Guinea and will be hosted by Hannibal Lector.
The Western Bulldogs leadership group – for setting an incredibly high standard for the rest of the team. Johnson (0), Murphy (1), Giansiracusa (2), Eagleton (0), Gilbee (1), Griffen (1), Lake (0), Hudson (0) and Hall (1) combined for a grand total of six tackles. That matched the combined number of tackles from the entire careers of Andrew Payze and Tony Symonds.
Nathan Thompson – for suggesting the Western Bulldogs need a wrestling coach to fix their tacking issues. Thommo, you fuckwit, hiring Hulk Hogan won’t improve their tackling but I’m sure their stats on figure-four-leg-locks will sky rocket.
Ricky Ponting – for his freshly laid rug. Obviously he is competing with Doug Bollinger for the Carpet Giants sponsorship dollar.
David Wildy and Stephen Rowe – for complaining that 5AA was not given access by the SANFL to interview players straight after the Norwood v Central game, a right granted exclusively to the ABC. Well, you dickheads, if 5AA actually covered SANFL games during the season, like the ABC and other radio stations such as Life FM and 5RPH do, instead of rocking up like peacocks at finals time and pretending to care about the SANFL then you might have something to complain about. Until then, shut the fuck up.
Channel 9 – for showing the Jim Stynes documentary at 3pm on Sunday, instead of at prime time. Show some respect, Channel 9, you fuckwits.
Corey Enright – for not being able to run inside the yellow interchange line and costing his team a goal. He also got banned from the Xmas pageant as a kid because he could not keep inside the blue line.
Luke Ball – for suggesting his hamstring injury is just a cramp. Yeah, and Jack Newton just had a tennis elbow.
Tom Hawkins – for still being confused about his role on the football field by getting one mark and one kick against Collingwood, both in the dying minutes of the game. Ok, so Darren Jolly was right.
Tony Dey – for his fifth nomination this season. Tony, you know you are a fuckwit when even two of the biggest cheating white maggots to ever grace a football field, Richard Williams and Colin Rowston, both think you are a cheating arsehole.
Weslo security – for being Nazis at Football Park. You idiots, it is the right of every football supporter to yell abuse at the umpires and the opposition.
Craig Moore – for getting arrested by police in Dubai in an “alcohol-related” incident. Craig, sometimes less is more.
Port Adelaide Power – do they seriously expect their supporters to believe that amongst the hundreds of prospective coaches available, that Matthew Primus was the best option? Nothing to do with the fact that Port Adelaide could not afford to pay a coach more than $700 a season and that Dean Laidley left the club as he was paying the club to allow him to be assistant coach. Apparently Adam Kingsley was coaching for free to make up for the years of inept on-field performances. The fuckwits (Port Board) are obviously devoted to ensuring Port fold before the Adelaide Oval refurbishment is complete.
Sturt Junior Basketball Club parents - Sturt Under 12’s defeated Norwood in the State League Div 1 final after Norwood had gone undefeated for 2 years, so a fine effort by the Sturt players. However, the parents of the players saw fit to actually gloat on a Hoops forum and make derogatory comments about the Norwood coach – yes parents of 11 year old kids playing basketball for fun. And Sturt wonder why everyone thinks they are total fuckwits and they are hated across the globe for crimes against decency and good sportsmanship! Could this only happen at Sturt? Apparently the gloating in the Sturt ballet club that many of the fathers participate in is even worse! There is often confusion between the Sturt Ballet Club and the Sturt Football Club – there should be no confusion, the footy players are the ones in pink tutus.
White Maggots in the AFL and SANFL - listen here you blind fuckwits, if a player has prior opportunity and does not (a) kick the ball or (b) handball the ball or (c) he either simply drops it or hangs on to it, it is fucking “holding the ball” or “incorrect disposal” you sons of bitches. Since when has it been ok to just let the ball go and put it on the ground or throw it away? We know that Jeff Gieschen (one of the greatest Chads of all) has well and truly tried to ruin the football fabric and turn the game into Gaelic footy (just because he was fucking useless at the real thing), but it’s time we put a stop to this cancer. Blow your fucking whistles, you little, bald, skinny, nerdy, universally hated pricks and stop costing deserving players and teams their just rewards.
Andrew Demetriou – for his fucking annoying insistence on reading out Collingwood, Geelong and Carlton player votes at the Brownlow with a long pause after saying the first letter of their Christian name in a futile attempt at creating drama. Let’s try the same for the Chad Medal. Round 15, A Demetriou v A Anderson, 1 vote, A………….Fuckwit, 2. votes, A…………………Fuckwit, and 3 votes, A…….…Fuckwit.
Dale Thomas – for so many reasons. 1. For having a christian name for a surname. All people with a christian name for a surname are fuckwits. Examples include Neil Craig, Jack Anthony, George Michael, Mark Harvey, Grant Thomas, Chris Scott (don’t tell him I said that), Craig Hutchison (ok, he’s just a fuckwit), and Michael Christian. 2. For his hair – apparently he exclusively uses the McAvaney range of natural gels which are normally available only on Friday nights during the footy season. 3. For turning up to the Brownlow with some tramp he found in the Collingwood cheer squad (reportedly Joffer’s daughter/sister/cousin) whose eyes are so wide apart they could be mistaken for her ears.
Pakistan Cricket Board chairman Ijaz Butt “Plug” - for trying to deflect criticism of the Pakistani cricket team, by insinuating that the English cricketers threw the third one-dayer. Wrong, Ijaz, the English lost because they are just plain shit.
The New Delhi subsidiary of Dodgy Brothers Construction Contractors Pty Ltd – for an outstanding engineering job in constructing bridges and stadium ceilings for the Commonwealth Games. They have been short-listed for the Adelaide Oval refurbishment – they have a great new idea about installing some retractable lights.
British TV presenter Naomi Lloyd - for mistakenly reporting that a polar bear had washed up on a beach in southern England when in fact it was a cow. Actually, Luke Darcy made a similar mistake during the Brownlow telecast when Brynne Eldeston arrived – he mistakenly reported that a cow had been washed up on the blue carpet when in fact she a slapper.
Brynne Edelston – for wearing an outfit that showed the Brownlow audience what she ate for lunch which resulted in the same audience spewing up theirs.
Geoffrey Edelston – for cracking a fat on the Brownlow blue carpet. Stay off the Viagra, Geoffrey.
Dane Swan – unlike your fuckwit namesake Wayne Swan, not polling enough votes did not result in you winning.
Eddie McGuire – for a great impersonation of the Michelin Man. McGuire, stay off the McNuggets, you McFuckwit.
Liz Ellis – for making Brynne Edelston look good on the blue carpet.
Indy car driver, Will Power – for a Chad of a name. Can’t wait to meet his cousin, Fuck Wit.
Dustin Fletcher – for not knowing when to hang up the boots. Apparently, the Bombers are also going to sign a few new, young recruits – Billy Duckworth and under the “son-father” rule, Merv Neagle and Tim Watson.
Australia’s Davis Cup team – for losing to Trinity Gardens in the local Winter Pennant competition.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Winner - Chad Week 14
Week 14 threatened to be a let-down after last week's stunning array of fuckwits. However, the fuckwits quickly emerged from the woodwork to put their hands up for this week's coveted Chad Medal.
Football continues to throw up its fair share of fuckwits. Bruce McAvaney got the week's first nomination despite not having St Nick to wank over. No, this time Bruce got his cheapies over an an old flame, Nathan Buckley. At half-time, Bruce was like a dog on heat, when Bucks joined the commentary panel for an interview. The interview had to be cut short when Bruce started to dry root Buck's leg. Order was restored when Dennis Cometti put Bruce's leash back on and gave him a biscuit.
On Saturday night, Andrew Maher took post-match interviews to an all-time high when he asked Brett Kirk 3 times how he felt after the Swans got knocked out of the finals by 5 points. Unfortunately for the viewers, Channel 10 cut away before Maher asked his final question to Kirky, "Brett, over your long journey in football, how do you rate me?" Kirky replied, "You're a fuckwit, Andrew. A bona fide fuckwit. Good luck in this week's Chad. But Bruce will be hard to beat again."
And then on Sunday, Glenelg continued its remarkable finals record by getting the living suitcase belted out of it by Norwood. Nick Lower said after the game, "I knew we were in with a chance when I saw Todd Grima getting a facial and a manicure before the game. And I'm sure Trevor Cranston's g-string restricted his movement."
You can also throw Kane Cornes into the Chad mix in winning his 3rd B&F for the Adelaide Thunderbirds - a remarkable feat given he plays for the Power. Well done, Kane. And it was good to see you wearing your step-mum's merkin too.
A special mention also must be made of the Magarey Medal count. Well done, you white maggots in giving James Allen the medal ahead of the moral victor in Norwood hard-nut, Nick Lower. Obviously, they gave the fuckwit sympathy votes for being unfortunate enough to play for a shadow of a football club in the Roosters. And Allen also became the first fat garden gnome to win the medal twice. And what an outstanding effort by pre-count host Kelly Nestor - her efforts in balancing two footballs on her chest at the same time as asking a series of inane questions penned especially for her by Andrew Maher was truly amazing. Kelly Underwood look out!
"...Garry Hocking, whom I am fortunate enough to call a friend..." Jenny, just because you and Bhudda could be twins does not mean you are friends.
"...despite two degrees with honours, a Master in psychology, a world championship medal and a history of leadership on and off the sporting field..." Two degrees, hey? Where from, the Danny Le Rue School of Drag Queens? A Master in psychology? More like Cock Master in Chocology. And a world championship medal? Yeah, Jenny, you are massive in Finland, what was the medal for, the World Air Guitar Championships or the World Sauna Championships? And a history of leadership?? What the fuck have you led? A float at the Mardi Gras?
"I'm always Fos' daughter or Stephen or Mark's sister." Daughter? Sister? Hey, what the fuck? You don't seriously expect us to believe that you are really a female, do you? You're a funny guy! But, Jenny, stop stealing Penny Wong's jokes.
"Mark cared so much about this club he virtually fell on his own sword." You fuckwit. If he cared so much about the club he would have quit last year and not signed another contract! If he cared so much about the club he would have sacked soft-cocks like the Cornes sisters, Danyle Pearce and Daniel Motlop a long time ago. The only thing Choco fell on was his massive ego.
"If he was as bad as many of you in the media say..." Jenny, he was much, much worse than that. The media went easy on him. Not once did I read a Rucci Roast that called Choco a fuckwit, dickhead, wanker, arseclown or a even a deadshit.
So Jenny, congratulations on winning this week's Chad medal - and by the way, Sammy Hagar wants his hair back.
Football continues to throw up its fair share of fuckwits. Bruce McAvaney got the week's first nomination despite not having St Nick to wank over. No, this time Bruce got his cheapies over an an old flame, Nathan Buckley. At half-time, Bruce was like a dog on heat, when Bucks joined the commentary panel for an interview. The interview had to be cut short when Bruce started to dry root Buck's leg. Order was restored when Dennis Cometti put Bruce's leash back on and gave him a biscuit.
On Saturday night, Andrew Maher took post-match interviews to an all-time high when he asked Brett Kirk 3 times how he felt after the Swans got knocked out of the finals by 5 points. Unfortunately for the viewers, Channel 10 cut away before Maher asked his final question to Kirky, "Brett, over your long journey in football, how do you rate me?" Kirky replied, "You're a fuckwit, Andrew. A bona fide fuckwit. Good luck in this week's Chad. But Bruce will be hard to beat again."
And then on Sunday, Glenelg continued its remarkable finals record by getting the living suitcase belted out of it by Norwood. Nick Lower said after the game, "I knew we were in with a chance when I saw Todd Grima getting a facial and a manicure before the game. And I'm sure Trevor Cranston's g-string restricted his movement."
You can also throw Kane Cornes into the Chad mix in winning his 3rd B&F for the Adelaide Thunderbirds - a remarkable feat given he plays for the Power. Well done, Kane. And it was good to see you wearing your step-mum's merkin too.
A special mention also must be made of the Magarey Medal count. Well done, you white maggots in giving James Allen the medal ahead of the moral victor in Norwood hard-nut, Nick Lower. Obviously, they gave the fuckwit sympathy votes for being unfortunate enough to play for a shadow of a football club in the Roosters. And Allen also became the first fat garden gnome to win the medal twice. And what an outstanding effort by pre-count host Kelly Nestor - her efforts in balancing two footballs on her chest at the same time as asking a series of inane questions penned especially for her by Andrew Maher was truly amazing. Kelly Underwood look out!
Fev rounded off the fuckwit week in football by announcing that he "plans to reveal all" about his latest incident. You fuckwit, revealing all is how you got into this mess into the first place.
The fuckwits of federal politics had a relatively quiet week but one suspects that Rob Oakeshott-Thebolt will figure prominently in coming weeks if he is given the Speaker/Fuckwit of the House role. Fair dinkum, I reckon when he door-knocked in his electorate during the election campaign people agreed to vote for him just so he would shut the fuck up and move on to the next house. What a fuckwit.
So who wins this week? The winner is Jenny Williams for her Chad of a speech when presenting the Fos Williams Medal to the Power's nancy-boy of the year at their Club Champion Awards night. Jenny's speech was littered with inaccuracies. Let's examine some examples -"...Garry Hocking, whom I am fortunate enough to call a friend..." Jenny, just because you and Bhudda could be twins does not mean you are friends.
"...despite two degrees with honours, a Master in psychology, a world championship medal and a history of leadership on and off the sporting field..." Two degrees, hey? Where from, the Danny Le Rue School of Drag Queens? A Master in psychology? More like Cock Master in Chocology. And a world championship medal? Yeah, Jenny, you are massive in Finland, what was the medal for, the World Air Guitar Championships or the World Sauna Championships? And a history of leadership?? What the fuck have you led? A float at the Mardi Gras?
"I'm always Fos' daughter or Stephen or Mark's sister." Daughter? Sister? Hey, what the fuck? You don't seriously expect us to believe that you are really a female, do you? You're a funny guy! But, Jenny, stop stealing Penny Wong's jokes.
"Mark cared so much about this club he virtually fell on his own sword." You fuckwit. If he cared so much about the club he would have quit last year and not signed another contract! If he cared so much about the club he would have sacked soft-cocks like the Cornes sisters, Danyle Pearce and Daniel Motlop a long time ago. The only thing Choco fell on was his massive ego.
"If he was as bad as many of you in the media say..." Jenny, he was much, much worse than that. The media went easy on him. Not once did I read a Rucci Roast that called Choco a fuckwit, dickhead, wanker, arseclown or a even a deadshit.
So Jenny, congratulations on winning this week's Chad medal - and by the way, Sammy Hagar wants his hair back.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Chad nominations - Week 14
Bruce McAvaney – this time for trying to hump Nathan Buckley’s leg during an interview at half-time in the Geelong v Freo game.
George Kapiniaris – for his RAA ads and having the gumption to call himself a “comedian”. Trev should take that sand wedge and shove it up ya arse. Fuckwit, I’ll give you fuckwit.
Lanie Anderson – for crimes against journalism. Lanie, wiping your arse on a piece of paper and publishing it in the Sunday Mail does not qualify you as a journalist.
Tom Harley – for saying Tom Hawkins is confused about his role in the Geelong team. Tomkat, I’ll help you out – first of all, you have to mark that red leathery thing that is called the football (it has Sherrin written on it – if you can’t read, then ask Steve Johnson, then again, he probably can’t read either) and then kick it through those two big white sticks that are called the goal posts. And when the opposition (you know, the guys who are not wearing Geelong jumpers) have the ball, you chase them and then tackle them. All clear, fuckwit?
The Archbishop of Melbourne – for banning football songs from funerals. Apparently, he also called for the banning of the Glenelg club song at SANFL finals games but then he quickly realised that a ban is totally unnecessary.
Kane Cornes – a) for winning another best and fairest at Port, b) for wearing that fucking stupid green suit, c) for growing that fucking stupid beard and d) for being Chad’s brother, Graham’s son, and Nicole’s step-son.
Port Power – for allowing Kane Corrnes to win 3 club best and fairest awards. Obviously, the key criteria to win a gong at Port is to consistently sweat off packs, handball to yourself and then deliver hospital balls to your team-mates.
Andrew Maher – for asking retiring Sydney Swans captain, Brett Kirk, “How do you feel?” three times after the Swans lost to the Bulldogs by 5 points, in what was his last game. What did Maher expect him to say, “Yeah, Andrew, I’m on top of the fucking world. We just blew a game we should have never lost and I’ll never play again. It was a great way to finish my career.” You fuckwit.
5AA – for covering the SANFL for the first time this season and acting as if they knew all the players and the form of the teams. Ditts, stick to what you do best – squealing like a spoilt schoolgirl over the Power.
Dennis Browne – for calling Eagles soft-cock, Luke Jarrad, a “class act.” Perhaps he meant, “ass act”?
Lady Gaga – for wearing a dress made of raw meat – what a complete waste of some perfectly good steaks. Chuck her on the barbie.
Kevin Foley – for being Kevin Foley. No amount of spin can disguise the fact that you are a fuckwit.
Jenny Williams – for suggesting that the media are to blame for Choco’s sacking. Ah, Jenny, it wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that the Power lost 9 games in a row and have played like a pack of busted arseholes since 2004?
SANFL white maggots – for giving Luke Jarrad a vote in the Magarey Medal and allowing James Allen to win after North played the entire season like Glenelg at finals time.
Kelly Nestor – for hosting the Magarey Medal count with two footballs stuffed down her top.
Kelly Nestor – for almost outdoing Andrew Maher when she asked Tim Weatherald whether opposition clubs were scared when Central District announced that Johnny Platten was joining the Dogs’ coaching ranks this season.
Todd Grima – for winning the Ken Farmer Medal. I understand that the Farmer family want Ken’s name removed from the medal until a decent player wins the award. After Chambo sullied the award over the past few years, Grima is the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Graham Cornes – for suggesting that after Norwood smashed perennial pillow-biters Glenelg in the qualifying final that Norwood coach Nathan Bassett took a risk in unveiling his gameplan in a final. Graham, you fuckstick, it’s called being first to the ball, being disciplined and tackling hard – in other words, the complete opposite to Glenelg. And had you bothered to watch any of Norwood’s games during the season (instead of watching your dickhead sons play for the Thunderbirds), you would have realised that this is how Norwood have played all year. Weren’t you at the Parade in round 7 when the Redlegs smashed Glenelg by 11 goals playing exactly the same brand of football?
Stephen Rowe – for saying “Jacko” 48 times during an interview with Glen Jakovich. I’ll take a leaf out of your book, Rowey if I ever get a chance to interview you – you won’t mind if I constantly call you “fuckwit”, will ya?
Stephen Rowe – for not having a sense of humour when a fellow jogger said, “Go the Redlegs, turbo” as he ran past.
Aurelio Vidmar – for being Adelaide United’s Trevor Hill. Last year, with virtually the same squad, United couldn’t beat the Marble Bar Mongoloids. This year, they are undefeated. Who is the pissant, now, Vidmar, ya fuckwit?
Mark Harvey – for picking Des Headland to play against Geelong when he was about as fit as Bronwyn Bishop.
Glenelg Football Club – another choke. Will it all end like Ned Kelly?
Darren Jolly – Collingwood scum (& ruckman) for stating that Tom Hawkins and Brad Ottens are ordinary ruckman a week out from getting belted by both of them this Friday night. Jolly was an honourable man until he left Sydney and joined Collingwood and now he qualifies as the biggest fuckwit at the club, which is no mean feat given the abundance of fuckwits in that organisation (see A. Didak, H. Shaw, H. O’Brien, M. Malthouse, N. Buckley etc etc). Definitely some fine Chad work there, the big-mouthed tosser.
Vera Zvonareva (The Chick who played Kimmy Clitoris in the US Open Final) – anyone know why she bothered to turn up? Margaret Court would have put up a better showing and she is now 89 years old! Apparently they have cancelled Vera’s runners-up cheque and are looking into her link to Pakistani cricketers and Nikolai Davydenko (greatest tennis match-fixer that ever lived). She is being touted as Russia’s Stosur.
Michaelangelo Rucci – for his Rucci’s Roast column. See Lanie Anderson and George Kapiniaris.
Anthony Lister – the New York-based artist came all the way to Australia to paint a 10m mural on a building - but failed to impress Australian authorities, who painted over the artwork thinking it was vandalism.
John Mayer – the musician has quit Twitter after previously using it to communicate to more than 3.7 million fans. Two points – 1. why doesn’t he do us all a favour and quit music as well?and 2. this is proof that there are at least 3.7 million fuckwits in the world.
The FBI – for banning British teenager, Luke Angel, from the US for the rest of his life for sending an email to the White House calling President Obama a “prick”. Yet, there were no dramas when Luke sent George Bush the same email - George said it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about him.
DeKalb County officials – for fining an American farmer $5000 for growing too many vegetables on his farm. That would be like fining Glenelg for choking too many times.
Ray Titus (Advertiser photographer) - for constantly having Chad in his photos. What is the deal, Ray, do you want to plug Chad or something? Is your real Ray Tightarse?
Campbell Brown - for being, in the words of an angry Hawks supporter, "a filthy mutinous cunt", and for Brown suggesting that his best football is ahead of him. Well, fuckwit, it certainly wasn't behind you. Obviously, the Suns are looking to bolster their ranks of big-mouthed fuckwits. Make Chad an offer too.
Brad Johnson - for surprising everyone by naming his biography, "Johnno". I'm waiting for the sequel, "Fuckwit".
Tony Armstrong - for being charged with driving whilst pissed as a newt. He should also be charged with impersonating a footballer.
Adelaide Crows - for re-signing Chris Knights. Tontine have signed up as his sponsor again.
Jonathon Giles - for joining Sturt and getting hit by the karma bus on Sunday when he hurt his ankle sitting down to take a piss in the ladies toilet (the Sturt changerooms).
George Kapiniaris – for his RAA ads and having the gumption to call himself a “comedian”. Trev should take that sand wedge and shove it up ya arse. Fuckwit, I’ll give you fuckwit.
Lanie Anderson – for crimes against journalism. Lanie, wiping your arse on a piece of paper and publishing it in the Sunday Mail does not qualify you as a journalist.
Tom Harley – for saying Tom Hawkins is confused about his role in the Geelong team. Tomkat, I’ll help you out – first of all, you have to mark that red leathery thing that is called the football (it has Sherrin written on it – if you can’t read, then ask Steve Johnson, then again, he probably can’t read either) and then kick it through those two big white sticks that are called the goal posts. And when the opposition (you know, the guys who are not wearing Geelong jumpers) have the ball, you chase them and then tackle them. All clear, fuckwit?
The Archbishop of Melbourne – for banning football songs from funerals. Apparently, he also called for the banning of the Glenelg club song at SANFL finals games but then he quickly realised that a ban is totally unnecessary.
Kane Cornes – a) for winning another best and fairest at Port, b) for wearing that fucking stupid green suit, c) for growing that fucking stupid beard and d) for being Chad’s brother, Graham’s son, and Nicole’s step-son.
Port Power – for allowing Kane Corrnes to win 3 club best and fairest awards. Obviously, the key criteria to win a gong at Port is to consistently sweat off packs, handball to yourself and then deliver hospital balls to your team-mates.
Andrew Maher – for asking retiring Sydney Swans captain, Brett Kirk, “How do you feel?” three times after the Swans lost to the Bulldogs by 5 points, in what was his last game. What did Maher expect him to say, “Yeah, Andrew, I’m on top of the fucking world. We just blew a game we should have never lost and I’ll never play again. It was a great way to finish my career.” You fuckwit.
5AA – for covering the SANFL for the first time this season and acting as if they knew all the players and the form of the teams. Ditts, stick to what you do best – squealing like a spoilt schoolgirl over the Power.
Dennis Browne – for calling Eagles soft-cock, Luke Jarrad, a “class act.” Perhaps he meant, “ass act”?
Lady Gaga – for wearing a dress made of raw meat – what a complete waste of some perfectly good steaks. Chuck her on the barbie.
Kevin Foley – for being Kevin Foley. No amount of spin can disguise the fact that you are a fuckwit.
Jenny Williams – for suggesting that the media are to blame for Choco’s sacking. Ah, Jenny, it wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that the Power lost 9 games in a row and have played like a pack of busted arseholes since 2004?
SANFL white maggots – for giving Luke Jarrad a vote in the Magarey Medal and allowing James Allen to win after North played the entire season like Glenelg at finals time.
Kelly Nestor – for hosting the Magarey Medal count with two footballs stuffed down her top.
Kelly Nestor – for almost outdoing Andrew Maher when she asked Tim Weatherald whether opposition clubs were scared when Central District announced that Johnny Platten was joining the Dogs’ coaching ranks this season.
Todd Grima – for winning the Ken Farmer Medal. I understand that the Farmer family want Ken’s name removed from the medal until a decent player wins the award. After Chambo sullied the award over the past few years, Grima is the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Graham Cornes – for suggesting that after Norwood smashed perennial pillow-biters Glenelg in the qualifying final that Norwood coach Nathan Bassett took a risk in unveiling his gameplan in a final. Graham, you fuckstick, it’s called being first to the ball, being disciplined and tackling hard – in other words, the complete opposite to Glenelg. And had you bothered to watch any of Norwood’s games during the season (instead of watching your dickhead sons play for the Thunderbirds), you would have realised that this is how Norwood have played all year. Weren’t you at the Parade in round 7 when the Redlegs smashed Glenelg by 11 goals playing exactly the same brand of football?
Stephen Rowe – for saying “Jacko” 48 times during an interview with Glen Jakovich. I’ll take a leaf out of your book, Rowey if I ever get a chance to interview you – you won’t mind if I constantly call you “fuckwit”, will ya?
Stephen Rowe – for not having a sense of humour when a fellow jogger said, “Go the Redlegs, turbo” as he ran past.
Aurelio Vidmar – for being Adelaide United’s Trevor Hill. Last year, with virtually the same squad, United couldn’t beat the Marble Bar Mongoloids. This year, they are undefeated. Who is the pissant, now, Vidmar, ya fuckwit?
Mark Harvey – for picking Des Headland to play against Geelong when he was about as fit as Bronwyn Bishop.
Glenelg Football Club – another choke. Will it all end like Ned Kelly?
Darren Jolly – Collingwood scum (& ruckman) for stating that Tom Hawkins and Brad Ottens are ordinary ruckman a week out from getting belted by both of them this Friday night. Jolly was an honourable man until he left Sydney and joined Collingwood and now he qualifies as the biggest fuckwit at the club, which is no mean feat given the abundance of fuckwits in that organisation (see A. Didak, H. Shaw, H. O’Brien, M. Malthouse, N. Buckley etc etc). Definitely some fine Chad work there, the big-mouthed tosser.
Vera Zvonareva (The Chick who played Kimmy Clitoris in the US Open Final) – anyone know why she bothered to turn up? Margaret Court would have put up a better showing and she is now 89 years old! Apparently they have cancelled Vera’s runners-up cheque and are looking into her link to Pakistani cricketers and Nikolai Davydenko (greatest tennis match-fixer that ever lived). She is being touted as Russia’s Stosur.
Michaelangelo Rucci – for his Rucci’s Roast column. See Lanie Anderson and George Kapiniaris.
Anthony Lister – the New York-based artist came all the way to Australia to paint a 10m mural on a building - but failed to impress Australian authorities, who painted over the artwork thinking it was vandalism.
John Mayer – the musician has quit Twitter after previously using it to communicate to more than 3.7 million fans. Two points – 1. why doesn’t he do us all a favour and quit music as well?and 2. this is proof that there are at least 3.7 million fuckwits in the world.
The FBI – for banning British teenager, Luke Angel, from the US for the rest of his life for sending an email to the White House calling President Obama a “prick”. Yet, there were no dramas when Luke sent George Bush the same email - George said it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about him.
DeKalb County officials – for fining an American farmer $5000 for growing too many vegetables on his farm. That would be like fining Glenelg for choking too many times.
Ray Titus (Advertiser photographer) - for constantly having Chad in his photos. What is the deal, Ray, do you want to plug Chad or something? Is your real Ray Tightarse?
Campbell Brown - for being, in the words of an angry Hawks supporter, "a filthy mutinous cunt", and for Brown suggesting that his best football is ahead of him. Well, fuckwit, it certainly wasn't behind you. Obviously, the Suns are looking to bolster their ranks of big-mouthed fuckwits. Make Chad an offer too.
Brad Johnson - for surprising everyone by naming his biography, "Johnno". I'm waiting for the sequel, "Fuckwit".
Tony Armstrong - for being charged with driving whilst pissed as a newt. He should also be charged with impersonating a footballer.
Adelaide Crows - for re-signing Chris Knights. Tontine have signed up as his sponsor again.
Jonathon Giles - for joining Sturt and getting hit by the karma bus on Sunday when he hurt his ankle sitting down to take a piss in the ladies toilet (the Sturt changerooms).
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Winner of the Chad - Week 13
Week 13 will go down as landmark in the illustrious history of the Chad Medal. The quality of the nominees was truly outstanding. While we get many nominations each week, usually there are two or three stand-outs, real a-grade fuckwits, that, to quote a regular nominee, are “very speeeeecial”. But this week, it was very difficult to narrow the field of fuckwits down to just three, and even harder to pick a winner.
The week started off in fine fuckwit fashion on Friday night (aka fuckwit Friday) with Matt Stevic (aka white maggot extraordinaire) doing what all maggot’s do and completely fucking up what was an outstanding game of finals football when he awarded James Gwilt a free kick in the dying moments of the game for getting mud in his afro. Apparently, Gwilt is being sued by the remaining members of the Jackson 5 who want Gwilt to return Michael’s afro that went missing in the early 80s. The game was also notable for the moment when Bruce McAvaney got so excited over St Nick that he almost took Dennis Cometti’s eye out.
And then there were the 3 blind mice – Katter, Windsor and Oakeshott. After stringing out their decision on who to support for over two weeks, they finally made a decision. Katter jumped off the good ship S.S. Fuckwit and supported Abbott. Windsor supported Gillard based on Labor’s broadband policy – come on, Windsor, the Liberals have a great track record in broadband - waist bands don’t come much broader than Amanda Vanstone’s! As for Oakeshott, we are still waiting for his press conference to conclude. You fuckwit. He’ll fit nicely into Gillard’s cabinet. However, there could be quite a few bi-elections after the first cabinet meeting – once Oakeshott and Kevvy Rudd open their gobs, the rest of cabinet will start dropping like flies, dead from sheer boredom.
There were also some exceptional sporting performances such as Sam Stosur choking in a game of solitaire (she could not handle the pressure from her opponent) and the brilliant "ball" work from Dennis Armfield, Brett Ratten, and Brendan Fevola. And then there was the furore over the disappearance of Harry the Chihuahua from the Royal Adelaide Show. I don’t know what all the fuss is about, don’t people realise that Chihuahua is Mexican for “shoot on sight”?
However, despite all these brilliant performances, the winner of this week’s Chad is Michael Voss. Vossy has proven true the old adage that a champion player does not necessarily make a great coach. His list management this season was sensational. Firstly, he picks up serial fuckwit Fevola and trades good mate and Premiership player Daniel Bradshaw to Sydney. While Bradshaw has had injury concerns this year, he’ll line-up for the Swans this weekend in the knock-out final against the Dogs. Fev, on the other, when he’s not on the phone to his Pakistani bookies, has had groin problems all year. Apparently, his groin is what caused the latest incident – he was just showing the woman his injured groin and trying to get some advice on how to fix it, “Luv, I’m having trouble with me groin, here, have a look, would ya mind giving it a rub?”. All completely innocent. Carlton are still giggling – an AFL recruiting manager has not laughed so hard since the Dockers traded Andrew McLeod to the Crows in exchange for Chris Groom. In another brilliant move, Vossy also picked up Xavier Clarke in an effort to bolster the Lions’ stocks of fucking soft players who are always injured. Vossy also fucked-up big time with Michael Rischitelli – against Rischitelli’s wishes, Vossy tried to trade him at the end of last year. Rischitelli was so pissed off that he won the Lions’ best and fairest award and has now trotted off to the Gold Coast Suns and in return the Lions get a pick in the national netball draft in 2015. How is that karma bus travelling, Vossy? So with all this brilliant trading, Vossy took the Lions from 6th position to almost bottom. With such a crap season, it is understandable that a thorough independent review should be undertaken of the club. So who is going to conduct the review? Someone like Parko, perhaps? Ah, no, it is Vossy himself! Good one! I can see Vossy’s report now, “The coach did an outstanding job. We were just unlucky. Had race 5, no 7 (Fatty Grimshaw) won at Randwick in early March, then Fev would have been sweet all year.” So congratulations, Vossy, in winning this week’s Chad medal – good luck in your negotiations in trading Jonathon Brown for Travis Tuck.
The week started off in fine fuckwit fashion on Friday night (aka fuckwit Friday) with Matt Stevic (aka white maggot extraordinaire) doing what all maggot’s do and completely fucking up what was an outstanding game of finals football when he awarded James Gwilt a free kick in the dying moments of the game for getting mud in his afro. Apparently, Gwilt is being sued by the remaining members of the Jackson 5 who want Gwilt to return Michael’s afro that went missing in the early 80s. The game was also notable for the moment when Bruce McAvaney got so excited over St Nick that he almost took Dennis Cometti’s eye out.
And then there were the 3 blind mice – Katter, Windsor and Oakeshott. After stringing out their decision on who to support for over two weeks, they finally made a decision. Katter jumped off the good ship S.S. Fuckwit and supported Abbott. Windsor supported Gillard based on Labor’s broadband policy – come on, Windsor, the Liberals have a great track record in broadband - waist bands don’t come much broader than Amanda Vanstone’s! As for Oakeshott, we are still waiting for his press conference to conclude. You fuckwit. He’ll fit nicely into Gillard’s cabinet. However, there could be quite a few bi-elections after the first cabinet meeting – once Oakeshott and Kevvy Rudd open their gobs, the rest of cabinet will start dropping like flies, dead from sheer boredom.
There were also some exceptional sporting performances such as Sam Stosur choking in a game of solitaire (she could not handle the pressure from her opponent) and the brilliant "ball" work from Dennis Armfield, Brett Ratten, and Brendan Fevola. And then there was the furore over the disappearance of Harry the Chihuahua from the Royal Adelaide Show. I don’t know what all the fuss is about, don’t people realise that Chihuahua is Mexican for “shoot on sight”?
However, despite all these brilliant performances, the winner of this week’s Chad is Michael Voss. Vossy has proven true the old adage that a champion player does not necessarily make a great coach. His list management this season was sensational. Firstly, he picks up serial fuckwit Fevola and trades good mate and Premiership player Daniel Bradshaw to Sydney. While Bradshaw has had injury concerns this year, he’ll line-up for the Swans this weekend in the knock-out final against the Dogs. Fev, on the other, when he’s not on the phone to his Pakistani bookies, has had groin problems all year. Apparently, his groin is what caused the latest incident – he was just showing the woman his injured groin and trying to get some advice on how to fix it, “Luv, I’m having trouble with me groin, here, have a look, would ya mind giving it a rub?”. All completely innocent. Carlton are still giggling – an AFL recruiting manager has not laughed so hard since the Dockers traded Andrew McLeod to the Crows in exchange for Chris Groom. In another brilliant move, Vossy also picked up Xavier Clarke in an effort to bolster the Lions’ stocks of fucking soft players who are always injured. Vossy also fucked-up big time with Michael Rischitelli – against Rischitelli’s wishes, Vossy tried to trade him at the end of last year. Rischitelli was so pissed off that he won the Lions’ best and fairest award and has now trotted off to the Gold Coast Suns and in return the Lions get a pick in the national netball draft in 2015. How is that karma bus travelling, Vossy? So with all this brilliant trading, Vossy took the Lions from 6th position to almost bottom. With such a crap season, it is understandable that a thorough independent review should be undertaken of the club. So who is going to conduct the review? Someone like Parko, perhaps? Ah, no, it is Vossy himself! Good one! I can see Vossy’s report now, “The coach did an outstanding job. We were just unlucky. Had race 5, no 7 (Fatty Grimshaw) won at Randwick in early March, then Fev would have been sweet all year.” So congratulations, Vossy, in winning this week’s Chad medal – good luck in your negotiations in trading Jonathon Brown for Travis Tuck.
Chad nominations - Week 13
Dennis Armfield (Carlton) – for trying to do a Kevin Bartlett and throw the ball out in front of him when about to be tackled, not realising that if you bounce the ball and get tackled, it’s a free kick. Trent Dennis-Lane, when he stopped pissing himself laughing, then kicked a goal to seal the game for Sydney from the resultant free kick. Dennis even looked like Chad Cornes ie a bona fide fuckwit.
Trent Dennis-Lane – is he the lovechild of Dennis Cometti and Tim Lane? I’ve had an absolute gutful of fucking hyphenated names!
Jarrad Waite (Carlton) – for crimes against human intelligence. He makes Adam McPhee look like a genius. He could have sealed the game for Carlton when running into an open goal but instead of calmly slotting the ball through the goals, he tried to kick the ball over the grandstand, only to hit the post and costing Carlton the game! Fuckwit.
Australian Boomers (Basketball team) – for flogging completely useless basketball nations like Angola (do they even have basketball courts in Angola, or even basketball for that matter?) and feeling good about it, only to get flogged by fairly ordinary nations like Slovenia. And they call themselves a basketball team. The Norwood Flames would have put up a better effort. At least Norwood has a great coach, unlike Brett “trying hard to sustain my American accent” Brown! Go back to USA and never return, ya fuckwit!
Andrew Bogut – for doing a slam dunk in the NBA and breaking most bones in his upper body when he hit the deck, thus rendering our world championship aspirations shot. He was our only player who could claim to be a basketballer. Bloody selfish bastard (and fuckwit).
Matthew Knights – for appearing surprised and upset when he got the arse from Essendon. Was he the only person in Australia that didn’t know he was the worst coach in the history of professional sport, and makes Brett “trying hard to sustain my American accent” Brown look talented? Fuckwit.
Tony Windsor and Rob Oakeshott – for ignoring what their constituents wanted by backing Julia Gillard. Who would have thought that Bob Katter was the most sane out of the 3?
Rob Oakeshott – for the most tedious, long-winded and boring speech ever recorded. He is the Chris Tavare of Australian politics. Rob, how long does it take to say, “I’m supporting Gilllard because I’m a fuckwit.”? Rob, if you want to cut back question time, how about you start the ball rolling by shutting ya cakehole.
Political reporter, Christine Wallace – just because she wants to go the growl on Julia Gillard doesn’t mean she is biased.
White Maggot Extraordinaire Matt Stevic – for ruling that Cameron Mooney's superb game-winning tackle on James Gwilt was a push in the back thereby costing Geelong the game. He failed to realise that Gwilt had thrown the ball out, had prior opportunity, dropped to his knees like Paris Hilton as soon as he heard Mooney was on the field and cried like a baby because his Afro got messed up. Go back to umpiring soccer games in Siberia, fuckwit.
Stephanie Rice – for speaking the truth about South African Rugby players and then sooking like a baby when her sponsors bailed on her. Are you upset that you are going to have to get a real job now, Steph, instead of sponging off the likes of Jaguar?
Harry the Chihuahua – for finishing second behind a pedigree rat at the Royal Adelaide Show Show Dog Competition in the Fucking Ugly Little Runt division.
Harry the Chihuahua – for spitting the dummy and doing a runner after finishing second behind a pedigree rat at the Royal Adelaide Show Show Dog Competition in the Fucking Ugly Little Runt division.
Harry the Chihuahua – for last being seen on a plate served with special fried rice and steamed dim sims.
Brendan Fevola – for once again forgetting to zip up at an AFL function.
Sam Stosur – for once again choking in a game she should have won. Clijsters was so confident of winning she didn’t even bother turning up with a racquet.
Julia Gillard – for being stupid enough to have Kevvy Rudd in her cabinet. Kevvy has called for a metal detector to be installed in cabinet while Julia has ordered a 3 year supply of plugs.
Julia Gillard – for being selected but not elected as Prime Minister of Australia for the second time.
Brad Johnson – for being a selfish prick and playing injured leaving your side with one-man down before the game even started.
Luke Hodge – see Brad Johnson.
Gold Coast Suns – for being dumb enough to pay Campbell Brown $450k per season. John Gastev and Craig Starcevich are spewing they are not still playing as the Suns would have picked them up for sure for at least $1m each a season.
Adelaide Crows – for announcing that Richard Douglas is their Club Champion Award. They should be fined for making false statements. Matt Connell is relieved to have passed on the mantle of “the worst Crows club champion” to Douglas.
The dead possum at Laurie Holden’s place of work – for choosing to cark it somewhere in the wall cavities of the building and making the whole building smell like the old bank building in Snowtown.
The Desalination Plant – another great decision by Media Mike, Fat Pat Conlon and Roley Poley Foley. Several billion dollars of taxpayers money that will never be used. You complete and utter fuckwits.
Chris Dittmar – for proving once again that you don’t have to have a brain to make in the media. He also gets a special mention for the amount of times he squealed like a stuck pig during the 2010 season when Port got smashed again.
Brett Ratten – for getting caught on camera with his hands down his dacks while sitting on the bench during the Carlton v Sydney game. Brett, if ya as much time fiddling with your team’s game plan as you did with ya nuts, then maybe Carlton might have won.
Michael Voss – for his astute recruiting in 2010, which took his team from 6th position in 2009 to almost bottom in 2010. Daniel Bradshaw for Brendan Fevola – while Bradshaw will be in the Swans line-up in the finals this weekend, Fev’s dick will be in a police line-up. Michael Rischitelli – Vossy wanted to trade him last year and Rischitelli went on to be favourite to win the Lions B&F and has now gone to the Suns. Karma. Xavier Clarke - say no more. And now Vossy wants to conduct an independent review of the season, wait for it, headed up by himself. Yeah, I can just imagine Vossy reporting on himself, "Vossy is a complete fuckwit that fucked the club up royally."
Michaelangelo Rucci – for trying to refute Danyle Pearce’s reputation as a seagull by saying he played the last 4 games with a broken jaw. That is not hard to do when you don’t go within 50 metres of an opposition player.
Do-gooders – for continually calling for increased taxes on things that are “bad” for us such as junk food and alcohol. Why not call for a tax on something that is really fucking bad, like anytime anyone on 5AA opens their mouth. I’m calling for a 15% tax on Rowey for every time he says, “ease up, turbo” and a 25% tax on the air that Pilko breathes.
Paul Holloway – it was bad enough to have Nicole Cornes advising you when you were just Minister for Mineral Resources Development, but now you are acting Premier, it is downright scary. Paul, please ignore her when she advises you to invade Poland.
A Current Affair – for telling us how to raise our kids (Grimshaw, giving birth to a foal does not make you an expert on parenting) and for the story on “the science of shopping”. Ah, maybe that is why Paul Holloway hired Nicole Cornes as a mining adviser – the role requires a science degree and well, you know, shopping is a science and Nicole knows lots about shopping.
Norwood v West game – the first quarter was so bad that West supporter, Liberal MP Rob Lucas, has called for a Royal Commission.
Bruce McAvaney – for having another on-air wank over St Nick. Come on, Bruce, you have flopped ya old fella out more times than Fev, it’s time to zip it up, son.
Ashley Porter – for reporting in Inside Football that Brant Chambers played well last week. Wrong magazine, Ashley, Brant belongs in the pages of Inside Diving.
Kieren Sporn – for being a great advertisement for the building company he works for. The fuckwit fell through the roof of the carport he built at his own home. Great workmanship, Kiren, ya fuckwit. He also gets a nomination for playing football for both Westies and Essendon.
Josh Hunt – for having a dog turd of a game against St Kilda. Hunt with a silent C.
Ryan Fitzgerald – for his “On The Run” advertisements. Fitzy, we all get it, you think that acting like a fucking retard is really, really funny but it doesn’t work for Lehmo so why would it work for you?
Shane Harris – for an outstanding effort in training SANFL umpires to be complete cheating fuckwits. Even without the services of Rowston, Dey and Williams, the maggots still did their best to keep the Bays in the game against Centrals.
Kevin Pietersen – for his tweet after being dropped by England – “yep, done for the rest of the summer!! Man of the World Cup T20 and dropped from the T20 side too…” Man of the World Cup 20-20 tournament!!! Wow, Kevin, that’s fantastic! What about your other outstanding achievements, such as winning Man of The Another Fucking Arrogant South African Wanker Playing For England Championships?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Chad - Week 12 Winner
I think we have all had a fair dinkum gutful of the farce that is the federal election. The general public are starting to realise what a royal fuck-up they have created by putting the nation’s future in the hands of "Moe" Katter, "Curly" Windsor and "Larry" Oakeshott. What are these stooges waiting for - the brand new Labor and Liberal Policy Showbags to be released at the Royal Adelaide Show? The Labor showbag is great value, containing a bloodied knife, a Mark Latham voodoo doll, a plug for leaks, a faceless mask and a free ticket to the citizen’s assembly. The Liberal showbag should also prove to be popular with punters, containing a pair of soiled speedos, some giant plastic joke ears, a signed Wilson Tuckey iron bar, and a replica budget blackhole. Fun for all the family. The Greens showbag is a little different, it contains only natural products – kids will have hours of fun when they unwrap a real turd sourced from the ample arse of Sarah Hanson-Young. Unfortunately, Bob Brown can’t back out a solid anymore…
Speaking of turds, Essendon finally boned perennial Chad nominee, Matty Knights. Tough titties, Matty. Let’s face it, you are a hopeless dud. You make Bernie Quinlan look like Robert Shaw. And Robert Shaw look like Jeff Giescen. If it is any consolation, Matty, a recent poll has shown that you are rated the second worst coach in the history of the world – the accolade of the world’s worst ever coach goes to ex-Norwood coach Trevor “Benny” Hill. However, the big question is - what does Matty’s re-signing last year say about the Essendon board? The answer is – they are total fucking imbeciles – it was a decision that has cost them $1 million and a year of completely crap football. Obviously, they have not learned a damn thing, because they have just signed Mark “Timothy” McVeigh for another two years! Are they serious? That prick spends more time preening himself in front of a mirror than he does in going for a contested possession. In fact, he’s favoured to win the coveted NAB Rising Metro-Fucking-Sexual Star of the Year Award – the winner gets a free perm and manicure. Other nominations include the Adelaide Crows. Sturt were also nominated but their nomination was quickly withdrawn when the person nominating them mis-took “metro” for “homo”. And Essendon supporters, what about ya favourite son, James Hird? The twat is too bloody weak to take on the top job! What is the problem, Jimmy, are you scared you are gonna get ya girly hair messed up? Or is it that you just can’t bear the thought of not sitting on Mike Sheahan’s lap on the couch anymore? Jimmy – just put up, or shut up.
Anyway, now to this week’s Chad nominations – the field of fuckwits has been narrowed down to three – the Reverend Fred Nile, Bert Newton and the Pakistan cricket team.
The Reverend Fred Nile. I thought that idiot was dead. Obviously, he’s been so quiet in recent years because he has been locked away in his office, feverishly downloading porn – 200,000 times to be precise! Fred, ya knob must be red raw by now – put it away and do what most dodgy religious nut jobs do – fly to Thailand and get arrested for kiddy fiddling.
Bert Newton. I can’t wait for the next instalment of Twenty to One, when Bert counts down the top twenty reasons why the entire Newton family are fuckwits.
Which takes us to this week’s unanimous winner of the Chad Medal – the Pakistan cricket team. It came as no surprise to anyone who follows cricket that Pakistan have been caught cheating once again. They’ve been doing it at least as far back as 1978-79 (see the separate post for an examination of the cheating history of Pakistan). Why doesn't the ICC do something about it??? Is it because they are on the take as well? It is time other cricket nations like Australia, England, New Zealand and South Africa grew some balls and told the ICC and Pakistan in no uncertain terms to "no way, get fucked, fuck off." So well done, Pakistan, on winning this week's Chad Medal. By the way, I tipped off a Pakistani bookie about their Chad medal win and cleaned up big time.
Speaking of turds, Essendon finally boned perennial Chad nominee, Matty Knights. Tough titties, Matty. Let’s face it, you are a hopeless dud. You make Bernie Quinlan look like Robert Shaw. And Robert Shaw look like Jeff Giescen. If it is any consolation, Matty, a recent poll has shown that you are rated the second worst coach in the history of the world – the accolade of the world’s worst ever coach goes to ex-Norwood coach Trevor “Benny” Hill. However, the big question is - what does Matty’s re-signing last year say about the Essendon board? The answer is – they are total fucking imbeciles – it was a decision that has cost them $1 million and a year of completely crap football. Obviously, they have not learned a damn thing, because they have just signed Mark “Timothy” McVeigh for another two years! Are they serious? That prick spends more time preening himself in front of a mirror than he does in going for a contested possession. In fact, he’s favoured to win the coveted NAB Rising Metro-Fucking-Sexual Star of the Year Award – the winner gets a free perm and manicure. Other nominations include the Adelaide Crows. Sturt were also nominated but their nomination was quickly withdrawn when the person nominating them mis-took “metro” for “homo”. And Essendon supporters, what about ya favourite son, James Hird? The twat is too bloody weak to take on the top job! What is the problem, Jimmy, are you scared you are gonna get ya girly hair messed up? Or is it that you just can’t bear the thought of not sitting on Mike Sheahan’s lap on the couch anymore? Jimmy – just put up, or shut up.
Anyway, now to this week’s Chad nominations – the field of fuckwits has been narrowed down to three – the Reverend Fred Nile, Bert Newton and the Pakistan cricket team.
The Reverend Fred Nile. I thought that idiot was dead. Obviously, he’s been so quiet in recent years because he has been locked away in his office, feverishly downloading porn – 200,000 times to be precise! Fred, ya knob must be red raw by now – put it away and do what most dodgy religious nut jobs do – fly to Thailand and get arrested for kiddy fiddling.
Bert Newton. I can’t wait for the next instalment of Twenty to One, when Bert counts down the top twenty reasons why the entire Newton family are fuckwits.
Which takes us to this week’s unanimous winner of the Chad Medal – the Pakistan cricket team. It came as no surprise to anyone who follows cricket that Pakistan have been caught cheating once again. They’ve been doing it at least as far back as 1978-79 (see the separate post for an examination of the cheating history of Pakistan). Why doesn't the ICC do something about it??? Is it because they are on the take as well? It is time other cricket nations like Australia, England, New Zealand and South Africa grew some balls and told the ICC and Pakistan in no uncertain terms to "no way, get fucked, fuck off." So well done, Pakistan, on winning this week's Chad Medal. By the way, I tipped off a Pakistani bookie about their Chad medal win and cleaned up big time.
Pakistan - A History of Cheating
My intense disdain for Pakistani cricket can be traced back to their 1978-79 tour of Australia and three bloody disgraceful incidents in particular. The first occurred in the 1st Test in Melbourne in March 1979. Australia was batting in the first innings and Rodney Hogg was at the crease. Hogg tapped a ball to point where that shifty cunt Miandad was standing. The ball came to a halt a few yards before Miandad. Thinking it to be a dead ball, Hogg left his crease to do a little bit of gardening on the pitch. The prick Javed picked the ball up and stealthily walked up to the wicket and removed the bails. Hogg, after being given out by the umpire, trudged angrily off the field. Mushtaq Mohammad, the Pakistan captain, uncharacteristically withdrew the appeal and called back Hogg. Hogg returned to the crease but the umpire Clarence Harvey, officiating in his first Test, insisted on adhering to his 'out' decision. Hogg then kicked down the stumps in disgust. Miandad was giggling like a fucking schoolgirl and followed Hogg off the field, taunting him mercilessly, “Hehehehe, got you, Hoggy, you fucken stupid Aussie bastard…hehehe…got you…” I suspect that Mushtaq knew all along that Harvey wouldn’t change his decision and was just trying to cover his tracks. This incident profoundly affected Hogg because later in 1979, Hogg was involved in an unseemly incident on the second day of the second Test between India and Australia in Bangalore. After being no-balled 11 times in six overs, Hogg bowled a beamer, kicked down the stumps and stormed off the field. His captain Kim Hughes tendered an immediate apology to the umpire and persuaded Hogg to express his apologies also. I wouldn’t have fucken apologised. The cheating cunts.
The second event occurred in Australia’s second innings of the 1st Test. Chasing 382 for victory, Australia was cruising at 3-305. However, in one of the most amazing collapses in Test history, Australia was bundled out for 310. Yes, we lost fucking 7-5. The unremarkable Safraz Nawaz took a remarkable 7-1 in 33 balls and finished with figures of 9-86. Often touted as the founder of reverse swing, this was the spell when Sarfraz first discovered that crown mints could be used to reverse swing a ball. While no bastard has ever proved that Sarfraz cheated during this spell, Alan Border offers some damning evidence, “When I came out to bat, we were 1-49 and Sarfraz greeted me with a sneer and breath that reeked of a curried turd. When he bowled me 275 balls later for 105 with the score on 305, he ran up to me to give me a send off in Punjabi and suddenly his breath smelt like crown mints. And we know what happened next. The cunt was unplayable. It wasn’t until years later that Waqar Younis acknowledged that Safraz taught him the art of reverse swing and that his secret ingredient was breath mints that it all clicked. How else could a trundler like Sarfraz take 7-1? Sure his scalps included Wood, Sleep, Clark, Hogg and Hurst, but jesus christ, noone could move the ball as much as he did during that spell without some outside help….”
But the ever-moody Sarfraz had not yet finished with the Australians that series and during the second Test in Perth sunk to his lowest level yet. Andrew Hilditch was at the non-strikers’ end when a loose throw landed near him. He nonchalantly picked up the ball and returned it to the bowler, Sarfraz. Sarfraz immediately appealed to umpire Tony Crafter. Crafter hesitated and glanced over to Mushtaq, obviously giving him the chance to withdraw the appeal. Not surprisingly, Mushtaq remained silent as Sarfraz continued to rant and rave. Crafter had no choice but to give Hilditch out. Sarfraz and Miandad rejoiced and gave a Hilditch a typical Pakistani send-off. Strictly speaking, Hilditch had broken the law and the umpire was correct to rule him out. However, the bloody appeal was blatantly against the spirit of cricket. Tony Greig viewed it as gamesmanship. But Greig is a deadset cockhead. What Sarfraz did was a fair dinkum disgrace and bloody immoral. A downright slur on the game, it is the only handled the ball dismissal to occur at the non-striker's end.
But the ever-moody Sarfraz had not yet finished with the Australians that series and during the second Test in Perth sunk to his lowest level yet. Andrew Hilditch was at the non-strikers’ end when a loose throw landed near him. He nonchalantly picked up the ball and returned it to the bowler, Sarfraz. Sarfraz immediately appealed to umpire Tony Crafter. Crafter hesitated and glanced over to Mushtaq, obviously giving him the chance to withdraw the appeal. Not surprisingly, Mushtaq remained silent as Sarfraz continued to rant and rave. Crafter had no choice but to give Hilditch out. Sarfraz and Miandad rejoiced and gave a Hilditch a typical Pakistani send-off. Strictly speaking, Hilditch had broken the law and the umpire was correct to rule him out. However, the bloody appeal was blatantly against the spirit of cricket. Tony Greig viewed it as gamesmanship. But Greig is a deadset cockhead. What Sarfraz did was a fair dinkum disgrace and bloody immoral. A downright slur on the game, it is the only handled the ball dismissal to occur at the non-striker's end.
Sarfraz Nawaz, pictured in 1979, concealing a packet of crown mints up his arse
While Sarfraz resorted to cheating to take wickets, I begrudgingly cannot question Javed’s tenacity or his batting record – 8,832 runs at 52.75 with 23 centuries is a testament to this. The wily cunt learned his craft as a youngster on the tough, blue-collar streets of Karachi, and not surprisingly his technique flew in the face of most cricket coaching textbooks. It used to piss Bobby Simpson right off, which is just fine in my book. His unorthodox but distinctive square-on batting stance and equally unconventional split-handed grip never hindered him though. The great Viv Richards was once quoted saying, "If there was any batsman whom I could choose to bat for my life, it would be Javed Miandad." However, there is no doubt he was a fucking annoying cunt who loved to incite and rankle opposition players. The most famous result of his incessant goading was the infamous incident with DK Lillee in 1981. Playing in the first test in Perth, Pakistan were routed in their first innings for a paltry total of 62 by the Australian pace attack of Lillee and Alderman. In the second innings, they needed 543 to win, and that looked highly unlikely when they were at 2 for 27. Amid the crowd chants of “Lill–ee–Lill-ee”, Javed Miandad and Mansoor Akhtar tried to resurrect the Pakistan innings; at least to manufacture a draw. Miandad played Lillee to square leg and completed an easy run, with a collision taking place in the centre. According to Miandad, Lillee had tried to block his path. According to Lillee, Miandad struck him from behind with his bat. A verbal exchange then took place. Thanks to an eyewitness, the stocky Bruce Laird, I can finally reveal what was said. Here is an unedited transcript. DK Lillee, “Sorry, Javed, I didn’t mean to get in your way, son.” Javed, “That’s OK, Dennis, I didn’t mean to plug your wife last night, you Aussie fucker.” Lillee, “You fucken what, you little Paki cunt?” Javed, “Last night, DK, your wife took out my middle stump….and she nearly choked on my googlies.” Lillee, “Big mistake, fuckstick.” Lillee then allegedly kicked Miandad on his pads. Miandad, then started charging towards Lillee with his bat lifted high above the head, as if to hit him. Had Tony Crafter not intervened, it is more than likely that Miandad would have ended up with his bat shoved up his arse. It was no surprise to me that the bloody Australian media immediately turned on Lillee, with this incident coming hot on the heels of the “aluminium bat” schmozzle. An even less surprise was that Bobby Simpson was the most vociferous to blame Lillee for the whole incident. What that beanhead Simpson didn’t understand was that since there was no other way for the Paki’s to win the match, Javed tried to use every trick in his book to save it. DK was fined $200 for the incident. Amid outcry from the umpires and the wowsers of the cricketing world about the leniency of the punishment, the fine was decreased in cash to A$120 but a bloody 2 match ban was also awarded to Lillee. Thank christ, there were 2 one day matches before the next Test, so Lillee was back for the next Test match. Of course, Miandad got off scott free. No apology, no fine. Fucken typical.
Javed Miandad in 1981, hiding behind Tony Crafter, Lilllee primed to punch the living suitcase out of him
While Miandad himself was a renowned sledger, he was on the end of one of the finest sledging comebacks in Test history. In a Test match against Australia, Miandad called Merv Hughes a “fat bus conductor”. A few balls later Hughes dismissed Miandad, “Tickets please”, said Merv, as he ran past the departing Miandad. Priceless.
Throughout the 80s and 90s Pakistani cricket quickly spiralled down a murky path of corruption, bribery and ball tampering. Sarfraz Nawaz passed the black art of reverse swing bowling on to another Pakistani bowler, Imran Khan. Khan mastered reverse swing and the evidence of this was seen in 1983 in a Test match against India at Karachi, where he took 5 wickets in 25 balls. Roger Binny was interviewed after the game, “Sure, Imran bowled superbly. And what’s more, his breath never smelt sweeter.” Imran Khan subsequently passed this skill on to Waqar Younis and Wasim Akram who are considered to have been the finest exponents of the art. In other words, two of the biggest cheating cunts ever. On Pakistan's 1992 tour of England, England had no answer to their reverse swing, a new phenomenon to them. Pakistan won the series 2-1. The series was a controversial one as the Pakistani team were accused of ball tampering, particularly by the English media. It was a difficult one to assess because the England side at the time were fucking tripe and would have struggled against Dave Gilbert’s swing, and readers, we all know that he couldn’t swing a pendulum. Waqar Younis then became the first player to receive a suspension for ball-tampering after a match in 2000. Fucking surprise, surprise, surprise.
The Pakistanis also became more and more adept at match fixing, particularly under the shameful leadership of Salim Malik. Malik captained Pakistan on tours of South Africa and Zimbabwe before being suspended from cricket having been accused of bribery. He was however found innocent by a court of jesters and allowed to continue his career. Malik played his last Test match in January 1999 but ended his cricket career in disgrace, having been banned from associating himself with the game in any capacity by Justice Qayyam's inquiry in May of 2000.
The inquiry was launched in response to charges of betting and match-fixing against several of Pakistan's top cricketers, including former captains Wasim and Malik, spinners Saqlain Mushtaq and Mushtaq Ahmed, medium pace bowler Ata-ur Rehman and batsman Ijaz Ahmed. Jesus bloody christ, I didn’t need a fucking inquiry to know that these blokes were on the take. Judge Qayyum's judicial inquiry investigated several allegations of corruption dating back to 1994, including one made by Shane Warne and Mark Waugh. They accused Malik of offering them bribes to perform poorly during an Australian tour of Pakistan. Mark Waugh told me, “Yeah, Malik knew that I was a mad punter and asked me if I want to make some money by tanking a few games. I told him to fuck off but I did ask him if he had any good tips on the dogs or nags.” A number of Pakistani cricketers, including former captains Rashid Latif and Aamir Sohail, also accused their teammates of throwing matches.
After a year long investigation, Justice Qayyum found Malik and Rehman guilty of match-fixing and recommended life bans for both pricks and a 1m rupee fine (£12,500) for Malik. Judge Qayyum recommended Malik be banned from any connection with cricket, either as a player or manager. "There is clear evidence of match-fixing against Mr Salim Malik", Judge Qayyum said. "He should be banned for life from cricket. Further, an inquiry should be conducted into his assets and charges brought against him in a criminal court of law." The inquiry also recommended a 300,000 rupee (£3,300) fine for former cricket captain Wasim Akram, because he failed to co-operate with the judicial inquiry. While the report does not accuse Wasim of any wrongdoing, it did recommend that neither Wasim nor Mushtaq Ahmed should be allowed to captain the team. Read between the bloody lines – these two blokes were untrustworthy and more than likely on the payroll too. But it does not end there. Waqar Younis, Inzamam-ul Haq, Akram Raza, and former captain Saeed Anwar also received fines of 100,000 rupees (£1200) for not co-operating with the board. What does that tell you? You don’t have to be blind Freddy to work out that the whole Pakistan team was a bunch of unscrupulous bastards that were greasing their palms by taking bribes. Bloody treacherous and a slap in the face to all those who love the game. Malik became the first ever cricketer to be banned for match fixing and his insulting appeals of innocence have not borne fruit since, remaining an outcast in the cricketing world.
Salim Malik, pictured in 1991, deliberately lollying a ball off the bowling of the very pedestrian Jonathon Agnew
A reasonable bloke would think that this inquiry would have put an end to the shadiness that had pervaded over the Pakistan cricket team for many years and put them back on an even keel. The devious and crooked arseholes had been weeded out and we all hoped that a sense of honour would be returned to Pakistani cricket. Yeah, righto - not bloody likely.
During the fourth Test against England at the Oval on 20 August 2006, ball tampering accusations were made against the Pakistani team, which resulted in the team forfeiting the match. On the fourth day of the Test, during England's second innings, the ball began to late reverse swing for Umar Gul (aka cheating cunt) in particular, resulting in him dismissing Alastair Cook LBW to an inswinging yorker. Cook is a dud but the ball moved fucking sideways. Four overs later, on examining the ball, umpire Darrell Hair decided there was evidence that the ball had been tampered with. He consulted with the other umpire, Billy Doctrove, and penalised the Pakistani team for interfering with the condition of the ball, awarding five runs to England. I spoke to Darrell Hair later about the ball, “Tampered with? Jesus, it had bloody sticky tape on one side of it. And it reeked of crown mints. I knew something was up when I noticed the under-handed Sarfraz in the Pakistan change-rooms before the game. He had a cunning smirk on his face that screamed corruption.” Although play continued until the end of the afternoon session, the Pakistani team decided in principle, not to reappear at the start of the third session. Principle? And Pakistan? For fucksake. The two go together like Murray Bennett and turn. But wait, it gets even more farcical. Their decision was made in protest of what they believed to be an unjust and insensitive decision. Don’t make me bloody laugh. As a result of the Pakistani team's failure to appear on the field, the umpires rightly awarded the test to England, cricket's first and only forfeiture. In a decision that left me bloody speechless, the Pakistani team was cleared of any wrongdoing when further proceedings saw captain Inzamam-ul-Haq found not guilty of ball tampering. However, the team's protest led to him being banned for four games on the charge of bringing the game of cricket into disrepute. Jesus bloody christ, Inzamam’s running between wickets and fielding had long brought the game of cricket into disrepute. He should have been banned for life for being a fat hog. But the flagrant return of immorality to Pakistan cricket had only just begun.
Immediately following the ball tampering controversy was the revelation that it’s front-line pace attack of Shoaib “Best Supporting” Akhtar and Mohammad Asif “Igiveashit” had both tested positive for Nandrolone, a banned anabolic steroid. The two buffoons were on the monkey juice. Though both stooges denied any substance abuse, both Akhtar and Asif were banned for 2 years and 1 year respectively. However, again in a decision that left me flabbergasted, both bowlers were successful in their appeals with the earlier bans being revoked. Crikey Moses, does the ICC have any gonads? They keep letting these bent bastards off. Shane Warne takes some diet pills to lose some flab and cops 12 months. Yet, these two goons get off without so much as a slap on the wrist. Don’t get me wrong, I was dead against what Warney did – leggies, top-flight leggies, need to be fat and unfit – there was no need for him to shed any kilos. But that bloody propeller-head Buchanan got in his ear and ruined him.
Further evidence that Pakistan cricket is still as dodgy as Roger Rogerson came to light in the 2007 World Cup. The pricks participated in one of the biggest upsets in World Cup history when they were knocked out of the competition in a “shock” defeat to Ireland, who were playing in their first competition. Ireland, for fucksake!!!!! That is about as ridiculous as suggesting that Shane Lee was good enough to play for Australia. Pakistan, needing to win to qualify for the next stage after losing to the West Indies in their opening match, were put into bat by Ireland on a green pitch. They lost wickets regularly and only 4 batsmen crossed double figures. In the end they were bowled out by the Irish for a pathetic 132. The Irish went on to win the game, helped by a knock of 72 from Niall O'Brien. This meant that Pakistan had been knocked out during the first round for the second consecutive World Cup.
Hmmm….if it smells like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it is more than likely a duck. The bastards were at it again. On the bloody take. The betting syndicates in Pakistan must be laughing their heads off at how easy it is to get these blokes to roll over.
The story became even more sordid when coach Bob Woolmer died one day later on March 18, 2007 in Kingston, Jamaica. Jamaican police spokesman, Karl Angell, reported on March 23, 2007 that, "Mr Woolmer's death was due to asphyxiation as a result of manual strangulation," and that, "Mr Woolmer's death is now being treated by the Jamaica police as a case of murder." Of course it bloody was. Unnamed sources (rumoured to be Qasim Omar) tell me that Woolmer was sick and bloody tired of the irredeemable behaviour of the team and was about to spill the beans to all and sundry. Before he could do so he was bumped off. Subsequent to his team's defeat and the death of Woolmer, Inzamam-ul-Haq announced his resignation as captain of the team and his retirement from one-day cricket, stating that he would continue to take part in Test cricket but not as captain. And to top it off, in what smells very much to me as “pay off”, the Jamaican police recently announced that Woolmer died of natural causes and the case was closed. Bloody bullshit. If you call being strangled by a fat, smelly Pakistani as being “natural” then these Mr Plods should be put on the Beaumont’s case – they would probably come back with the finding that they missed the bus and are just running late.
So the latest allegations that Pakistan are on the take again comes as no surprise to me. They have a long and sordid history of cheating. And it is not likely to change.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Chad Medal - Week 12 Nominations
- Bruce McAvaney – for his “Tim Lane” moment during the Port v Richmond game. After Port meathead Dean Brogan took a mark 40 metres out from goal, Bruce said confidently, “Brogan is too far out to score.” Brogan then went back and slammed the ball through for an easy goal. Good call, Bruce, ya fuckwit.
- The Reverend Fred Nile – for downloading porn from his Parliamentary office computer over 200,000 times. So it took Fred 200,000 times to work out that he is offended by porn??? No wonder the office cleaner has been complaining about having to clean Fred’s office – we just thought she objected because he is a complete moron. By the way, who votes for this fuckwit?
- Tony Abbott – for using Paul Hogan’s accountant to do his policy costings.
- The 3 independents – for costing taxpayer’s $30 million a day because they can’t choose who they want to sleep with, Tony or Julia? I smell a new TV show. Dust off Greg Evans for a new series of Perfect Match – I’m sure fucking Dexter could figure out who to choose.
- Bert Newton - for his “hair”. Mr Haggle wants his rug back, Bert.
- Bert and Patty Newton – for starring in a new version of The Omen. In this version, Bert and Patty give birth to the devil child, Damian, played convincingly by Matthew Newton.
- Matthew Knights – for stating that he would like to coach again. Who is he kidding? 3 clubs, 3 massive failures along with the hatred of 400,000 Port Adelaide supporters (are there 400,000 Port supporters?) and 1 million Bombers supporters. Who else does he want to fuck over before he’s done with his path of destruction? Surely a Chad Medal beckons? Or a career in comedy or as the leader of the Labor party?
- Nameless White Maggot – in the Under 12 elimination final between Payneham Norwood and Broadview this white maggot paid double 25 metre penalty because the Payneham ruckman (who shall remain nameless!) yelled “oh come on” at the maggot after another unwarranted free kick. The maggot was a stand out in the fuckwit stakes right from the first bounce due to his self induced wedgie and shaved streaks in his hair. Needless to say Broadview kicked a goal and won the game by 4 points from the penalty.
- Unnamed Payneham Norwood U12 Ruckman – for not realising previously mentioned white maggot was a gay Scott McLaren wannabe attempting to have people believe he knew something about Aussie Rules when he was clearly the prototype Soccer referee, minus the yellow and red cards. The unnamed player (let’s call him Brett Jr) should have known better after his parents warned him not to tell the umpire what he really thought of him. He ignored those warnings, therefore a Chad nomination is warranted, no matter how justified it was telling the maggot that he should go forth and multiply with like-minded whistle carrying pillow biters.
- Pakistan cricket team – for continuing to honour the memory of Hansie Cronje.
- Sturt supporters – yet another nomination. Same old reason – for supporting a bunch of powder blue pillows.
- Brian Taylor – for being as funny as a bout of genital warts.
- Liam Pickering – for being a smarmier, sleazier version of Ricky (Rick with a silent P) Nixon. I didn’t think it was possible to be smarmier and sleazier than Nixon.
- John Worsfold – for being the world’s dumbest Pharmacist. Hey, John, when Ben told ya he was using white powder he didn’t mean that it was Johnson’s Baby Powder to help with his chaffing.
- The Crows 19th man – a second nomination. Can’t the Gold Coast offer that fuckwit big bucks to move up there?
- Chilean mine rescuers – no urgency fellas, the miners have plenty of things to do until Christmas while they are stuck down that damp, dark hole. Perhaps a game of murder in the dark? Hide and seek?
- Adrian Anderson – for once again defending a ridiculous AFL policy – this time the drugs policy. Ok, so Hawthorn’s Travis Tuck was using drugs to cope with depression. Hmmm, isn’t Hawthorn president Jeff Kennett head of Beyond Blue, the organisation to support people with depression? Hmmm, nah, letting Jeff know wouldn’t help Travis, let’s give him two more chances to get caught so we can then go public with his drug use and humiliate him – yeah, Adrian, you fuckwit, that’s really helped Travis with his depression.
- The police who shot and killed a bloke who held the Discovery Channel hostage in protest against their programs. Hey, before you killed the bloke, you could have sent him to Channel 9 studios around 6.30pm on weeknights – and asked for a bloke named Tracey Grimshaw.
- Australian tennis – for being a complete and utter debacle. We’ve had one good player in the past 20 years – Ley Ley. And everyone apart from Tyson and Mandy Edwards, Graham Cornes and Ley Ley himself, hate his guts. Apparently, they are looking for a new head coach. Hey, Matty Knights, you still want to coach, don’t you?
- Victorian judge Marilyn Harbison – for not sending cross-dressing and effeminate Jayke Baldwin to jail for killing his girlfriend when he lost control of his car and hit a tree when speeding because "(There is) a significant danger ... that he will be targeted by prisoners of his own age and subjected to physical attacks, even in the youth unit of prison”. There are a couple of points to make. Firstly, I didn’t think prison was supposed to be a fucking holiday camp. And secondly, the fact that he is an effeminate cross-dresser strongly suggests he is a Sturt supporter so a jail sentence should be mandatory.
- Essendon supporters – for continuing to hold-out hope that the Messiah, James Hird, will coach Essendon. Get over it, move on – James does not have the kahunas to take on the job. Their last two coaches have come from Richmond, so it is highly likely that will go to the Tigers well again – names mentioned include tough nuts like Wayne Campbell, Jordan McMahon and Joel Bowden.
- Conan O’Brien – for being extremely creative in calling his new show “Conan”. Apparently, the reason why Rove didn’t make it in the US is because TV execs didn’t like the name of his self-titled show, “Fuckwit”.
- Pakistan wicket-keeper, Kamran Akmal – he was cleared of match-fixing by Pakistan officials. They must have decided that all those dropped catches and missed stumpings meant he is just a really, really crap wicket-keeper. Even worse than Greg Dyer.
- Qld Premier Anna Bligh – for starting a campaign to bring Ellen DeGeneres to Australia. For fuck sake, shouldn’t you just concentrate on running the state? And I reckon you would get more votes if you started a campaign to have her fucking annoying show taken off air. Or perhaps sending Lehmo to the US.
- Julia Gillard – for not giving up her citizen’s assembly idea. Yeah, Julia, it was a really great idea, the public loved that idea soooo much that they voted for the Greens instead of you. Did you not learn a thing???
- The hiker on Washington's Blewett Pass who shot himself in the backside when he put a handgun in his back pocket. Lucky the prick didn’t put it in his front pocket otherwise he could have become an instant Sturt footballer ie no balls.
- Adelaide Crows – for allowing Trent Hentschel to ride in the same car as Andrew McLeod. McLeod is a 300 game dual premiership player and Norm Smith Medallist. Hentschel is a just another Woodville West Torrens clown pretending to be a footballer.
- The journo who accused Tottenham manager, Harry Redknapp of being a “wheeler and dealer”. Harry replied abruptly, "No, fuck off. I'm not a wheeler and dealer, fuck off. I've not made my name as a wheeler and dealer, don't say that. I'm a fucking football manager." Apparently, when the journo then asked him if he thought Matty Knights should coach again, Harry replied, “Fuck off. He’s a fuckwit.”
- Paris Hilton - money can buy you most things, but not an IQ.
- Damon T Dana - the wanna be action star who broke into Sylvester Stallone's home and punched out Sly's pet pit bull terrier. Sounds like the script for Rocky 7.
- The ICC (International Cheating Cunts) - isn't it about time you banished Pakistan from international cricket for good or does money talk?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)