Chad nominations - Week 14

Bruce McAvaney – this time for trying to hump Nathan Buckley’s leg during an interview at half-time in the Geelong v Freo game.

George Kapiniaris – for his RAA ads and having the gumption to call himself a “comedian”. Trev should take that sand wedge and shove it up ya arse. Fuckwit, I’ll give you fuckwit.

Lanie Anderson – for crimes against journalism. Lanie, wiping your arse on a piece of paper and publishing it in the Sunday Mail does not qualify you as a journalist.

Tom Harley – for saying Tom Hawkins is confused about his role in the Geelong team. Tomkat, I’ll help you out – first of all, you have to mark that red leathery thing that is called the football (it has Sherrin written on it – if you can’t read, then ask Steve Johnson, then again, he probably can’t read either) and then kick it through those two big white sticks that are called the goal posts. And when the opposition (you know, the guys who are not wearing Geelong jumpers) have the ball, you chase them and then tackle them. All clear, fuckwit?

The Archbishop of Melbourne – for banning football songs from funerals. Apparently, he also called for the banning of the Glenelg club song at SANFL finals games but then he quickly realised that a ban is totally unnecessary.

Kane Cornes – a) for winning another best and fairest at Port, b) for wearing that fucking stupid green suit, c) for growing that fucking stupid beard and d) for being Chad’s brother, Graham’s son, and Nicole’s step-son.

Port Power – for allowing Kane Corrnes to win 3 club best and fairest awards. Obviously, the key criteria to win a gong at Port is to consistently sweat off packs, handball to yourself and then deliver hospital balls to your team-mates.

Andrew Maher – for asking retiring Sydney Swans captain, Brett Kirk, “How do you feel?” three times after the Swans lost to the Bulldogs by 5 points, in what was his last game. What did Maher expect him to say, “Yeah, Andrew, I’m on top of the fucking world. We just blew a game we should have never lost and I’ll never play again. It was a great way to finish my career.” You fuckwit.

5AA – for covering the SANFL for the first time this season and acting as if they knew all the players and the form of the teams. Ditts, stick to what you do best – squealing like a spoilt schoolgirl over the Power.

Dennis Browne – for calling Eagles soft-cock, Luke Jarrad, a “class act.” Perhaps he meant, “ass act”?

Lady Gaga – for wearing a dress made of raw meat – what a complete waste of some perfectly good steaks. Chuck her on the barbie.

Kevin Foley – for being Kevin Foley. No amount of spin can disguise the fact that you are a fuckwit.

Jenny Williams – for suggesting that the media are to blame for Choco’s sacking. Ah, Jenny, it wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that the Power lost 9 games in a row and have played like a pack of busted arseholes since 2004?

SANFL white maggots – for giving Luke Jarrad a vote in the Magarey Medal and allowing James Allen to win after North played the entire season like Glenelg at finals time.

Kelly Nestor – for hosting the Magarey Medal count with two footballs stuffed down her top.

Kelly Nestor – for almost outdoing Andrew Maher when she asked Tim Weatherald whether opposition clubs were scared when Central District announced that Johnny Platten was joining the Dogs’ coaching ranks this season.

Todd Grima – for winning the Ken Farmer Medal. I understand that the Farmer family want Ken’s name removed from the medal until a decent player wins the award. After Chambo sullied the award over the past few years, Grima is the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Graham Cornes – for suggesting that after Norwood smashed perennial pillow-biters Glenelg in the qualifying final that Norwood coach Nathan Bassett took a risk in unveiling his gameplan in a final. Graham, you fuckstick, it’s called being first to the ball, being disciplined and tackling hard – in other words, the complete opposite to Glenelg. And had you bothered to watch any of Norwood’s games during the season (instead of watching your dickhead sons play for the Thunderbirds), you would have realised that this is how Norwood have played all year. Weren’t you at the Parade in round 7 when the Redlegs smashed Glenelg by 11 goals playing exactly the same brand of football?

Stephen Rowe – for saying “Jacko” 48 times during an interview with Glen Jakovich. I’ll take a leaf out of your book, Rowey if I ever get a chance to interview you – you won’t mind if I constantly call you “fuckwit”, will ya?

Stephen Rowe – for not having a sense of humour when a fellow jogger said, “Go the Redlegs, turbo” as he ran past.

Aurelio Vidmar – for being Adelaide United’s Trevor Hill. Last year, with virtually the same squad, United couldn’t beat the Marble Bar Mongoloids. This year, they are undefeated. Who is the pissant, now, Vidmar, ya fuckwit?

Mark Harvey – for picking Des Headland to play against Geelong when he was about as fit as Bronwyn Bishop.

Glenelg Football Club – another choke. Will it all end like Ned Kelly?

Darren Jolly – Collingwood scum (& ruckman) for stating that Tom Hawkins and Brad Ottens are ordinary ruckman a week out from getting belted by both of them this Friday night. Jolly was an honourable man until he left Sydney and joined Collingwood and now he qualifies as the biggest fuckwit at the club, which is no mean feat given the abundance of fuckwits in that organisation (see A. Didak, H. Shaw, H. O’Brien, M. Malthouse, N. Buckley etc etc). Definitely some fine Chad work there, the big-mouthed tosser.

Vera Zvonareva (The Chick who played Kimmy Clitoris in the US Open Final) – anyone know why she bothered to turn up? Margaret Court would have put up a better showing and she is now 89 years old! Apparently they have cancelled Vera’s runners-up cheque and are looking into her link to Pakistani cricketers and Nikolai Davydenko (greatest tennis match-fixer that ever lived). She is being touted as Russia’s Stosur.

Michaelangelo Rucci – for his Rucci’s Roast column. See Lanie Anderson and George Kapiniaris.

Anthony Lister – the New York-based artist came all the way to Australia to paint a 10m mural on a building - but failed to impress Australian authorities, who painted over the artwork thinking it was vandalism.

John Mayer – the musician has quit Twitter after previously using it to communicate to more than 3.7 million fans. Two points – 1. why doesn’t he do us all a favour and quit music as well?and 2. this is proof that there are at least 3.7 million fuckwits in the world.

The FBI – for banning British teenager, Luke Angel, from the US for the rest of his life for sending an email to the White House calling President Obama a “prick”. Yet, there were no dramas when Luke sent George Bush the same email - George said it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about him.

DeKalb County officials – for fining an American farmer $5000 for growing too many vegetables on his farm. That would be like fining Glenelg for choking too many times.

Ray Titus (Advertiser photographer) - for constantly having Chad in his photos. What is the deal, Ray, do you want to plug Chad or something? Is your real Ray Tightarse?

Campbell Brown - for being, in the words of an angry Hawks supporter, "a filthy mutinous cunt", and for Brown suggesting that his best football is ahead of him. Well, fuckwit, it certainly wasn't behind you. Obviously, the Suns are looking to bolster their ranks of big-mouthed fuckwits. Make Chad an offer too.

Brad Johnson - for surprising everyone by naming his biography, "Johnno". I'm waiting for the sequel, "Fuckwit".

Tony Armstrong - for being charged with driving whilst pissed as a newt. He should also be charged with impersonating a footballer.

Adelaide Crows - for re-signing Chris Knights. Tontine have signed up as his sponsor again.

Jonathon Giles - for joining Sturt and getting hit by the karma bus on Sunday when he hurt his ankle sitting down to take a piss in the ladies toilet (the Sturt changerooms).