Winner of the Chad Medal - Week 7

It was truly an outstanding week for fuckwits. A record 38 Chad nominations were received. Gillard and Abbott set the standard for the week as they went ear to ear in the great debate. Soon after, Adam Liaw fashioned a delightful scrotum dessert to win Master Chef. Poor old Adam was worrried that his scrotum was going to crack - perhaps he should have brought Belinda Neal in to advise him as she is an expert ball breaker. One wonders if Callum would have won had Paris Hilton been guest judge - she has tasted many, many scrotums over the years. The Australian cricket team then lost to Pakistan. Pakistan are the Paul Briggs of world cricket yet we still couldn't beat them. And to top off the week, literary giant, Andrew McLeod, released his biography, "Crowback Mountain". It is a heart-breaking romance, up there with the best of Mills and Boon, telling the intriguing story of the McLeod, Hewitt, and Edwards love triangle. A movie version is already in the pipeline, with Serena Williams in her first acting role as McLeod, Justin Bieber as Ley Ley, and Bec Hewitt in her much anticipated comeback role as "sooky sooky la la" Edwards. Bea Arthur was originally slated to play Crows Football Manager John Reid but since she is dead the role will now go to Belinda Neal or Penny Wong, two really top blokes.

In the end, the list was narrowed down to three - Julia Gillard, Clay "Bangers" Connelly and Bruce McAvaney. Gillard was in rare form this week with three nominations - for her brilliant mass debating, for her ingenious strategic use of her ear lobes to plug her leaky cabinet, and for her visionary idea of a citizen's assembly idea to deal with climate change. With three more weeks of campaigning left, there will no doubt be more Chad-worthy performances to come from Gillard.

And what can you say about "Bangers" Connolly? He flew all the way to Finland for the World Air Guitar Championships but lost. Still, he has a chance to redeem himself in the Rock Paper Scissors World Championship in Toronto in November.

But in the end, we could not go past Bruce McAvaney for this week's Chad. This award has been a long time coming for Bruce. Nick Riewoldt is just the latest sporting identity on the end of Bruce's long conga line of suckholes that has included "King" Carey, Cathy Freeman, Roger Federer, Makybe Diva, Thorpedo, Nathan Buckley, Richo and more recently, the delicious Cyril Rioli. So congratulations, Bruce, I am pleased to annouce that you are this week's winner of the VEEEERY SPEEEECIAL Chad Medal. Congratulations and keep up the arse-licking.

The Chad Week 7 - nominations

• Neil Craig - for talking more shit than Kevin Rudd and for using the line “our playing group (its called the team you wanker) and our club must learn from this loss” for the 8 millionth time since he took over as coach
• Bruce McAvaney - For making a set shot from 25 metres out dead in front by Nick Riewoldt seem like the goal of the year. Clearly Bruce has, or wants to, bend over for St. Nick.
• Matty Knights - (second consecutive nomination) for trying to find an Essendon player that likes him after the game on Saturday night (there were none) and for not realising he has 5 games left in his coaching career before he disappears from the landscape to be never heard of again, other than in the dictionary under “greatest failure as a player and coach of all time”!
• The Crows recent form - for doing a Harry Houdini disappearing act. Quote from the nominator, "It just makes me even more pissed off that I actually wanted them to win after what they did to my great team (Geelong) last week. Well now I know that they their little bag of magic tricks only goes so far and for their last trick they will disappear into the bottom half of the ladder."
• Jack Button - the umpire (white maggot) for encouraging his wife and daughters to become white maggots. Surely, this is grounds for divorce and a parental neglect charge.
• The Hawthorn interchange steward - for not knowing that 18 + 1 = 19
• Jimmylik (blogger to the Sunday Mail) - for this ridiculous comment about Shane Watson, "is there nothing Watto can't do! He truly is the most talented cricketer to have played the game". Yeah, righto, Jimmylik. What is your next big statement? Perhaps, something like, "Is there nothing Jack Anthony can't do! He is truly the most talented footballer to have played the game."
• Andrew McLeod and Tyson Edwards - come on ladies, surely Ley Ley's arse can be kissed by more than one person at a time. Just ask Rowey and Cornsey.
• The Australian cricket team - jeez, you can't beat Pakistan even when they are doing their best to lose.
• Johnny Farnham - just what the world needs, another comeback by Farnesy. Yeah, I can't wait for another rendition of You're The Voice and a 12 minute bagpipe solo.
• Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott - for the great debate. Julia and Tony are brilliant debaters in front of a large audience, yep, they are great mass debaters.
• Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott - for the best ears in politics. Apparently, there will be a new version of Mr Potato released, with Julia's lobes and Tony's cauliflowers.
• Media Mike - welcome back King of Spin. Good to see you claiming credit for making it rain this year. If you can do that, why are you building a fricking de-sal plant?
• BP - for doctoring images of its command crisis centre AND for giving their CEO a $20m golden handshake.
• Oprah Winfrey - for giving Fergie her own talk show. Yeah, the world has been screaming for a talk-show hosted by an overweight, ranga, ex-Royal with a foot fetish and Russian mafia connections.
• Mel Gibson - for getting advice in his time of crisis from Britney Spears. Ah, yeah, that is like Hannibal Lector offering advice to Callum on Master Chef.
• Chad - for his broken finger.
• Kings of Leon - for leaving the stage after three songs after being shat on by pigeons. I'd say justice after the over-rated tripe they inflicted on the public from their last over-rated album.
• Julia Gillard (three nominations this week - a record) - for showing tremendous leadership on climate policy and introducing the citizen's assembly. Apparently, she is running for SRC president.
• Wunghnu Magpies full-back - for allowing the Deniliquin Rovers full forward to kick 31 goals last weekend
• Etihad Stadium surface - it moves more than Doug Bollinger's rug.
• Glenn Wheatley - for suggesting offshore bank accounts are sexy. I guess that is what happens after managing Johnny Farnham for 20 years.
• The clown in the US who left a peanut sandwich in the backseat of his car - a bear broke in, ate the sanga, laid some carpet in the front seat, and then destroyed the car. Sure that wasn't Kim Beazley.
• Colin Rowston (SANFL white maggot) - he's been over-shadowed by Tony Dey this season but returned to form on the weekend.
• Franceso Cener - Tour De France official who banned Lance Armstrong's team from wearing a jersey promoting cancer awareness on the final day of the race. We all know the French are c*nts and this just proves it.
• Clay "Bangers" Connolly - Australian air guitar winner who flew to Finland for the world air guitar championship and lost. Apparently, he broke a string in the middle of Sweet Child O' Mine.
• Adam Liaw -for winning Masterchef on a great attempt in making a scrotem in a bowl.
• The parents who let their kid get so fat they had to order a size 32 shirt. Sure that wasn't Kim Beazley?
• The Family First Party - for asking for preferences from the Australian Sex Party whose policies are exactly the opposite to what Family First stands for. No shame in being a bare-faced hypocrite, is there Steve Fielding?
• Barrack Obama - for being a traitor to men around the world by appearing the male-bashing show The View.
• The 3 Polish tourists who went for a hike in the Swiss Alps wearing only summer clothing and got lost.
• Ron Papps - for trying to give his wife a cuddle
• Hillsong Church - or is that the Church of Scientology?
• Sunday Mail - not only is full of absolute twaddle but now some bright spark has decided to that there will no longer be a separate sports section! Now I have to take the whole paper into the dunny to take a relaxing Sunday morning dump.
• Anthony Mundine - for being Anthony Mundine
• The Bondi Vet - for being the Bondi Vet. What is about Bondi? Bondi Vet. Bondi Rescue. What next? Hopefully, Bondi Cigars.
• Kevin Sheedy - for releasing a joke book. He is right up there with Rove and Hamish and Andy - just not funny. Perhaps he mixed up his joke book and his play book in his last few years at Essendon.
• Nickelback - their new song This Afternoon is an absolute disgrace. What kind of moron buys this shit?

Winner of the Chad Medal - Week 6

Once again, this week's Chad medal had a number of worthy recipients. From the brainless coaching of Matty Knights through to the giggling antics of Shane Watson, there was a wide range of complete Chads on show this week. The top 3 nominations were: the Crows 19th man, Stephen Rowe and Graham Cornes, and SANFL white maggot, Tony Dey, for his third nomination. All three are worthy. The Crows 19th man, or all 40,000 of them, proved what a complete Chad they are by only cheering when instructed to by the "noise meter". Pity they don't install a "jump off a cliff" meter at the ground too. I'm surprised it has taken 6 weeks for Rowey and Cornesy to be nominated. Their interviews have as much depth as Lake Eyre in the middle of a drought. But, in the end, it was a unanimous decision - the winner of the 6th Chad Medal is Tony Dey. For those who have had the misfortune of witnessing him butchering a game of football this year, I'm sure you would agree that this award is long overdue. Congratulations, Tony, super effort. Keep up the good work, with any luck, Jeff Giescen might give you a call and then your talents can be on show to a wider audience.

The Chad Week 6

Nominations for the Chad Medal Week 6 are:

• Creedence Clearwater - for touring without the man who is Creedence Clearwater Revival, their singer, song-writer and guitarist, John Fogarty


• The Australian test cricket team - for being bowled out for 88


• Shane Watson - for coming out onto the field giggling like a school girl after the Australians were bowled out for 88


• The Adelaide Zoo's Macaw - for not making a complete escape


• Paul Briggs - for dogging his "fight" against Danny Green


• Stephen Rowe and Graham Cornes - for asking the most inane, boring and cliched questions when interviewing Crows and Power players


• Dean Jones - for playing one too many rash shots


• Mathew Knights, Scott Camporeale, Ashley Prescott - Essendon's brainstrust, with a collective IQ of 1


• Michael Quinn - the worst player ever to play for Essendon, even worse than Mark Fraser


• Jason Akermanis - for not knowing when to shut his cakehole


• Kevin Sheedy - see Akermanis


• Bob Brown - for spending too much time hugging trees and rogering endangered species


• Michael Voss - for signing Fev and Xavier Clarke


• Steve Gorganas - vote for Julia Rudd


• Kym Dillon - for being less funny than Hamish and Andy


• Tony Abbott - for making Daryl Somers appear to have personality


• Julie Gillard - is she using Media Mike's spin doctor? Moving Australia forward...


• Tony Dey - white maggott extraordinaire, his third nomination


• South Adelaide Football Club - for installing lights at Hickinbotham Oval - as if anyone is going to attend night football at that shit hole


• The Crows 19th man - 40,000 people and not one brain between them
• Muttiah Muralitharan - his second nomination. 800 wickets and not one legitimate delivery. An a-grade cheat.
• The ICC - see Muttiah
• Rudi Koertzen - see the ICC