We are coming to the end of the footy season and choking has featured heavily in this year’s finals series in both the SANFL and AFL. Firstly, Glenelg picked up last week’s Chad for its unrivalled choking record in SANFL finals. A well deserved reward for their choking efforts not only this season but in their entire laughable history. And then Collingwood almost matched them by going disappointingly close to losing to St Kilda in the AFL Grand Final after having what should have been a match-winning lead at half-time. But in the second-half, the Collywobbles kicked in. Harry O’Brien dropped several marks when he tried to save some wayward seagulls. He then protested profusely to the umpires about the use of leather footballs, avoiding them at all costs in the final quarter. St Kilda should have won the game but Lenny Hayes bowled a fucking googly instead of kicking a goal and the match was drawn. Collingwood skipper, Nick Maxwell Smart, showed great leadership at the end of the game by lifting up his skirt and taking his footy home, saying it was joke having to play again. He was last seen having a tantrum at Collingwood training, crying and screaming to Mick, “You can’t make me do it!!!!! I won’t do it!!!!! I want my dummy back!!!!” All a bit hard, is it, Nick? Too much pressure on ya? Well, why don’t you spend some of that $500,000 a year you get paid to play and catch a plane to Bali and put ya feet up and relax. Just don’t fly Virgin Blue. The big question about next week’s game is will the AFL change the rules and allow Travis Cloke to bring in a substitute goal-kicker whenever he marks to ball within 15 metres of goal?
So who is the winner of this week’s Chad? Well, it is a draw - between Collingwood and James Hird. Collingwood led early but were almost run over the top by Hirdy.
Eddie McGuire was spot on when he described Collingwood as a bunch of cunts that could not beat a team of cripples.
And what about the golden child, James Hird? For three months, the Bombers favourite son has said he does not want to coach the Bombers. He cited business reasons but we all know the real reason - he didn’t want to part from Mike Sheahan in “On The Couch”. Throughout this time of denial, he was scathing in his criticism of the performance of perennial fuckwit Matty Knights, suggesting on many occasions that the Bombers had the playing list to play finals football. But there was a dramatic fall-out between Hirdy and Mike Sheahan and they are getting a divorce. Luckily, they have agreed to share custody of the couch.
So Hirdy has now been appointed to coach the Bombers for the next four years with a support staff that rivals the combined size of the Commonwealth public service and the Pentagon. Hirdy is already hedging his bets by going back on his assessment that the Bombers playing list is capable of playing finals footy. No, Hirdy has not promised Bombers’ fans that they will be playing finals footy. Instead, he has vowed to “improve” the Bombers. Big effort, Hirdy, it is not hard to improve on the turd-like performance in 2010. You could put Tony Curtis in charge of the Bombers and get an instant improvement.
So congratulations, Collingwood and James Hird on drawing this week’s Chad Medal – no doubt we’ll see you back for next week’s replay.
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