Chad nominations - Week 13

Dennis Armfield (Carlton) – for trying to do a Kevin Bartlett and throw the ball out in front of him when about to be tackled, not realising that if you bounce the ball and get tackled, it’s a free kick. Trent Dennis-Lane, when he stopped pissing himself laughing, then kicked a goal to seal the game for Sydney from the resultant free kick. Dennis even looked like Chad Cornes ie a bona fide fuckwit.

Trent Dennis-Lane – is he the lovechild of Dennis Cometti and Tim Lane? I’ve had an absolute gutful of fucking hyphenated names!

Jarrad Waite (Carlton) – for crimes against human intelligence. He makes Adam McPhee look like a genius. He could have sealed the game for Carlton when running into an open goal but instead of calmly slotting the ball through the goals, he tried to kick the ball over the grandstand, only to hit the post and costing Carlton the game! Fuckwit.

Australian Boomers (Basketball team) – for flogging completely useless basketball nations like Angola (do they even have basketball courts in Angola, or even basketball for that matter?) and feeling good about it, only to get flogged by fairly ordinary nations like Slovenia. And they call themselves a basketball team. The Norwood Flames would have put up a better effort. At least Norwood has a great coach, unlike Brett “trying hard to sustain my American accent” Brown! Go back to USA and never return, ya fuckwit!

Andrew Bogut – for doing a slam dunk in the NBA and breaking most bones in his upper body when he hit the deck, thus rendering our world championship aspirations shot. He was our only player who could claim to be a basketballer. Bloody selfish bastard (and fuckwit).

Matthew Knights – for appearing surprised and upset when he got the arse from Essendon. Was he the only person in Australia that didn’t know he was the worst coach in the history of professional sport, and makes Brett “trying hard to sustain my American accent” Brown look talented? Fuckwit.

Tony Windsor and Rob Oakeshott – for ignoring what their constituents wanted by backing Julia Gillard. Who would have thought that Bob Katter was the most sane out of the 3?

Rob Oakeshott – for the most tedious, long-winded and boring speech ever recorded. He is the Chris Tavare of Australian politics. Rob, how long does it take to say, “I’m supporting Gilllard because I’m a fuckwit.”? Rob, if you want to cut back question time, how about you start the ball rolling by shutting ya cakehole.

Political reporter, Christine Wallace – just because she wants to go the growl on Julia Gillard doesn’t mean she is biased.

White Maggot Extraordinaire Matt Stevic – for ruling that Cameron Mooney's superb game-winning tackle on James Gwilt was a push in the back thereby costing Geelong the game. He failed to realise that Gwilt had thrown the ball out, had prior opportunity, dropped to his knees like Paris Hilton as soon as he heard Mooney was on the field and cried like a baby because his Afro got messed up. Go back to umpiring soccer games in Siberia, fuckwit.

Stephanie Rice – for speaking the truth about South African Rugby players and then sooking like a baby when her sponsors bailed on her. Are you upset that you are going to have to get a real job now, Steph, instead of sponging off the likes of Jaguar?

Harry the Chihuahua – for finishing second behind a pedigree rat at the Royal Adelaide Show Show Dog Competition in the Fucking Ugly Little Runt division.

Harry the Chihuahua – for spitting the dummy and doing a runner after finishing second behind a pedigree rat at the Royal Adelaide Show Show Dog Competition in the Fucking Ugly Little Runt division.

Harry the Chihuahua – for last being seen on a plate served with special fried rice and steamed dim sims.

Brendan Fevola – for once again forgetting to zip up at an AFL function.

Sam Stosur – for once again choking in a game she should have won. Clijsters was so confident of winning she didn’t even bother turning up with a racquet.

Julia Gillard – for being stupid enough to have Kevvy Rudd in her cabinet. Kevvy has called for a metal detector to be installed in cabinet while Julia has ordered a 3 year supply of plugs.

Julia Gillard – for being selected but not elected as Prime Minister of Australia for the second time.

Brad Johnson – for being a selfish prick and playing injured leaving your side with one-man down before the game even started.

Luke Hodge – see Brad Johnson.

Gold Coast Suns – for being dumb enough to pay Campbell Brown $450k per season. John Gastev and Craig Starcevich are spewing they are not still playing as the Suns would have picked them up for sure for at least $1m each a season.

Adelaide Crows – for announcing that Richard Douglas is their Club Champion Award. They should be fined for making false statements. Matt Connell is relieved to have passed on the mantle of “the worst Crows club champion” to Douglas.

The dead possum at Laurie Holden’s place of work – for choosing to cark it somewhere in the wall cavities of the building and making the whole building smell like the old bank building in Snowtown.

The Desalination Plant – another great decision by Media Mike, Fat Pat Conlon and Roley Poley Foley. Several billion dollars of taxpayers money that will never be used. You complete and utter fuckwits.

Chris Dittmar – for proving once again that you don’t have to have a brain to make in the media. He also gets a special mention for the amount of times he squealed like a stuck pig during the 2010 season when Port got smashed again.

Brett Ratten – for getting caught on camera with his hands down his dacks while sitting on the bench during the Carlton v Sydney game. Brett, if ya as much time fiddling with your team’s game plan as you did with ya nuts, then maybe Carlton might have won.

Michael Voss – for his astute recruiting in 2010, which took his team from 6th position in 2009 to almost bottom in 2010. Daniel Bradshaw for Brendan Fevola – while Bradshaw will be in the Swans line-up in the finals this weekend, Fev’s dick will be in a police line-up. Michael Rischitelli – Vossy wanted to trade him last year and Rischitelli went on to be favourite to win the Lions B&F and has now gone to the Suns. Karma. Xavier Clarke - say no more. And now Vossy wants to conduct an independent review of the season, wait for it, headed up by himself. Yeah, I can just imagine Vossy reporting on himself, "Vossy is a complete fuckwit that fucked the club up royally."

Michaelangelo Rucci – for trying to refute Danyle Pearce’s reputation as a seagull by saying he played the last 4 games with a broken jaw. That is not hard to do when you don’t go within 50 metres of an opposition player.

Do-gooders – for continually calling for increased taxes on things that are “bad” for us such as junk food and alcohol. Why not call for a tax on something that is really fucking bad, like anytime anyone on 5AA opens their mouth. I’m calling for a 15% tax on Rowey for every time he says, “ease up, turbo” and a 25% tax on the air that Pilko breathes.

Paul Holloway – it was bad enough to have Nicole Cornes advising you when you were just Minister for Mineral Resources Development, but now you are acting Premier, it is downright scary. Paul, please ignore her when she advises you to invade Poland.

A Current Affair – for telling us how to raise our kids (Grimshaw, giving birth to a foal does not make you an expert on parenting) and for the story on “the science of shopping”. Ah, maybe that is why Paul Holloway hired Nicole Cornes as a mining adviser – the role requires a science degree and well, you know, shopping is a science and Nicole knows lots about shopping.

Norwood v West game – the first quarter was so bad that West supporter, Liberal MP Rob Lucas, has called for a Royal Commission.

Bruce McAvaney – for having another on-air wank over St Nick. Come on, Bruce, you have flopped ya old fella out more times than Fev, it’s time to zip it up, son.

Ashley Porter – for reporting in Inside Football that Brant Chambers played well last week. Wrong magazine, Ashley, Brant belongs in the pages of Inside Diving.

Kieren Sporn – for being a great advertisement for the building company he works for. The fuckwit fell through the roof of the carport he built at his own home. Great workmanship, Kiren, ya fuckwit. He also gets a nomination for playing football for both Westies and Essendon.

Josh Hunt – for having a dog turd of a game against St Kilda. Hunt with a silent C.

Ryan Fitzgerald – for his “On The Run” advertisements. Fitzy, we all get it, you think that acting like a fucking retard is really, really funny but it doesn’t work for Lehmo so why would it work for you?

Shane Harris – for an outstanding effort in training SANFL umpires to be complete cheating fuckwits. Even without the services of Rowston, Dey and Williams, the maggots still did their best to keep the Bays in the game against Centrals.

Kevin Pietersen – for his tweet after being dropped by England – “yep, done for the rest of the summer!! Man of the World Cup T20 and dropped from the T20 side too…” Man of the World Cup 20-20 tournament!!! Wow, Kevin, that’s fantastic! What about your other outstanding achievements, such as winning Man of The Another Fucking Arrogant South African Wanker Playing For England Championships?