Week 31 nominations

• So Elite - the greyhound owned by a group of Port Power players. Surely, the name of this fucking dishlicker is an ironic joke.



• Jai Bednall - for suggesting that Dean Terlich should be in the SANFL team of the year. How about going to watch a Norwood game instead of getting your tips from Dean.



• Steve Hooker - unlike most hookers, he woke up "not feeling it" and dudded out of the World Champs.



• Australian cricket - there is no Aussie in the ICC World Cricket XI - however, Andrew Hilditch was named chairman of selectors and Tim Nielsen head coach of the World Fuckwit XI.



• Channel 7 - for planning to increase the coverage of the WAGS at this year's Brownlow Medal ceremony. For fucksake, gimme a break - I don't wanna see Tanya Buckley's happy sacks ever again. They have have also planned to increase the coverage of the SLAGS at this year's Chad Medal ceremony.



• Karl O'Callaghan - WA State Emergency Services boss, for having his snout in the trough in a corporate box at the cricket while Perth Hills was burning down.



• Lainie Anderson's husband - he would "rather have his eyeballs waxed than have Tony Abbott as PM". Funny, I would rather have my nurries waxed than read the fucking crap that Lainie serves up.



• Kark Stefanovic - for his efforts in launching Richard Wilkins' memoirs - "I know three things about Richard - great bloke, big hair, massive cock." Ah, Karl, you fucking pissed minda, you left "head" off the end of that sentence.



• Paul Holloway - former SA planning minister has defended his stance on the Mt. Barker re-development after successor John Rau said it should not be repeated. Quote - "I stand by my decisions; I stand by everything I did". Does that include wasting $94,000 of tax payers money paying Nicole Cornes to advise you on what fucken suit you should wear to make you more attractive to the ladies? Holloway? More like fucking Hollowman.



• Queensland Premier's Literary Award - has short-listed David Hick's book for the award. You fuckwits. Also short-listed is Bernard Finnigan's "Downloading For Dumnmys" and Mike Rann's memoir, "Fuck, I'm An Annoying Cunt". I was fucking surprised that Dickie Wilkins' wank job didn't make the cut.



• Sonia Hermosillo - US woman who threw her 7 month old son from the 4th floor of a hospital parking garage leaving him in critical condition. You evil cunt.



• Daniel James Smout - previously nominated for starting a fire in Paracombe by chucking molotov cocktails, and then denying he intended to make them. Dickhead features got a taste of justice when sentenced to a minimum 11 months jail where he may well be the recipient of a random cock in the tail from Molotov the Russian stand-over cunt.



• Robert M Vernon - Aussie expat used car salesman who is facing up to 20 years jail in the US for the firebombing of a New York government building. Vern wants to serve his sentence in Australia. Fuck off. We've already got enough crooked used car salesmen over here for fucksake, do we really want this cunt giving Craig Riccuito any more tips?



• US prosecutors in the Robert M Vernon case - aren't going to oppose his request to serve his time in Australia. You cunts this means war, we're gonna send David Hicks, and for good measure his cunt of an old man, back to you pricks. And can ya take back that slapper Brynn Edelston too, while ya at it. And that fucking smug yanky cunt on the Gruen Factor.



• Tony Abbott - has (quite rightly) gone to town on rub-and-tug addict Labor MP Craig Thomson, yet is defending old light fingers Liberal MP Mary Jo Fisher just because she's as mad as Bob Katter after 10 beers and a dinner party at his poo-punching brother's joint. Theft is theft, Tony, and you should know, you knocked off Alfred E Neumann's ears years ago. And Julia Gillard pinched Alfred's brain.



• The 1,700 people who gathered at Wellington Zoo to celebrate the return to Antarctica of the emperor penguin who was found on a NZ beach - I know life in NZ is slow, but it's a fucken penguin for christ sake. The poor cunt should thank its lucky stars it's not a sheep.



• Tegan Gould - Ricky Nixon's girlfriend who commented on the early days of their relationship - "At first I didn't want a bar of him [or his bar], but he chased and chased me" . There's a term for that, it's called stalking.



• Ingvar Kamprad - founder of Ikea has been found to have had youthful ties with Nazi groups. Fucking figures, only a fucking Nazi cunt would make blokes use a fucking god damn allen key to put a fucking bookshelf together. Ingvar, you can stick ya allen key up ya fucking arse.



• Lady Gaga - dressed up like Freddie Mercury at the recent MTV Music Awards, nearly giving co-presenter of an award Brian May a fucken heart attack. She/he/it should've been presenting the award with Norrie the fuckwit from Sydney who wants to be known as neither male or female.



• Brian May - for fucksake, get a haircut.



• Eldercare - for trying to explain why the family of an 88 year old resident found a cockroach bait in a soap dish with her toothbrush. Perfectly simple explanation - they were only trying to catch the old cunt's dinner.



• Geoffrey the truckie from Caloundra - had $50,000 worth of his wife's gold jewellery stashed in garbage bags to fool burglars then promptly went and chucked the bags out. You fucking dickhead, Geoffrey. You certainly fooled them didn't you, no cunt's gonna find the jewellery underneath two metres of compacted garbage, including you, you complete and utter fuckwit. When interviewed, Geoffrey didn't want to disclose his surname, but was quite happy to have his face on tv. I'm quietly confident that if you have a scroll through the Caloundra white pages and looked under the surname "Dumbfuck" there would be a Geoffrey in front of it.



• Ryan Smith - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh ................. FUCKEN BANG! Charles Darwin is proven right once again. Score another notch on the belt for natural selection, as Ryan went arse up whilst trying to "tag" (ie fucking vandalise) a bridge on the southern expressway and went fucken splat on the rocks below. Here's a tag for you, "Ryan Smith is a fuckwit".



• Ryan Smith's mates - the day after Ryan did a dive bomb off the bridge, his mates got together and thought it would be a great idea to tag (ie fucking vandalise) the bridge he didn't quite manage to complete. Is it just me or should the police be allowed to fucken shoot people for being complete fuckwits?



• Jane Doyle - for suggesting that graffiti is art. Is that right, Jane? Well, I suppose you won't mind if I come around to your house with a can of spray paint and write, "fuckwit" on your house, will ya, it's all in the name of art, of course.



• Dr Keong Gan - filthy fucking dentist, with rusty instruments and bloodstains found in his surgery. You'd feel safer visiting Dr Phillip Nitschke to get your teeth fixed than that cunt.



• Port Adelaide - for re-signing Alipate Carlile. This prick is fat, lazy and stupid. You may as well sign up Pat Conlon/Wang Wang/Funi.



• Port Adelaide - for complaining that people keep referring to them as "Port Power". I'd suggest that is far better than most of the fucking names ya shit club has been referred to as this year. Eg fuckarse clowns, Fitzroy, Rucci's Roots, Haysman's Hacks, Duncansen's Dickwads, Primus's Pincushions, Laidley's Lardarses.



• Port Power - actually got into a position where they might win a game against Essendon, leading by nearly 6 goals in the last quarter and choked like Michael Hutchence in a fucken hotel room. Draft picks anyone?



• Paul Giles - fair dinkum, where the fuck do The Advertiser look for people to write in their paper - SCOSA, Alberton? Paul Giles has joined other luminary shit dribblers in this marvellous publication in getting a nomination for his efforts at suggesting a good idea for Father's Day. Over to you fucknut - "Spending a day at the footy is the perfect way to celebrate Father's Day. It's also a chance to support the sport at grass-roots (that's not a fucken typo by me by the way ) level, with two SANFL games on Sunday. Norwood plays West Adelaide at 2.10pm at Coopers Stadium, while the Eagles take on Sturt at the same time, at Woodville Oval ". That's right is it? Try this on for size fuckhead, Norwood are playing Central at Elizabeth Oval at 2.10pm on Saturday, Eagles are playing West at Woodville Oval also on Saturday, and Sturt have the fucken bye. Good research fuckhead, if you know nothing about the topic, don't fucken bother. Mind you it hasn't stopped Susie O'Brien, Ken McGregor, Nicole and Graham and fucken Lucy Cornes, Rucci, Amber Petty and the other Advertiser 'columnists' from keeping their fucken jobs has it.



• Nicole Cornes - managed to screw another $8,000 out of Ch10 for legal fees in the Mick Molloy 'defamation' case. Apparently, Mick's apology wasn't sincere enough - "Sorry, for suggesting Stewie rooted you. I was wrong. He wouldn't have rooted you, his surname isn't Phillis". But as Nicole said it wasn't about the money, no it wasn't just about money, it was about money and attention-fucking-seeking. For fucksake send the whole fucken Cornes clan over to Libya with t-shirts with pictures of Gaddafi saying 'the rebels take it up the arse from Mohammed's cock'.



• Arsenal - got fucken towelled up by Man Utd 8-2. When asked for comment manager Arsehole Wenger replied the team had been taking tips from Port Power [L. Holden is fucking spewing].



• Didier Drogba - Chelsea fairy who knocked himself out and bled like a stuck pig after headbutting Norwich goalkeeper John Ruddy's fist. To make matters worse for the softcock, Drogba was later cited for unsportsmanlike conduct for the headbutt, because he's a cunt, and for looking like the alien from Predator with a fucken pineapple on his head.



• Margaret Nyland - Supreme Court Justice who imposed an indefinite prison sentence on paedophile Mark Trevor Marshall in 2009 after declaring he was unable or unwilling to control his sexual urges, then last month said he could apply for release when appropriate accomodation was found. Appropriate accomodation? Like a fucking kindy I suppose, you stupid cow. Get fucked, the appropriate accomodation for a cunt like that is down a fucken mine shaft and filled with concrete, you know, the same spot where you can find Peter Falconio.



• The thieves who broke into a British museum to steal rhino horns but left with fakes - luckily Geoffrey from Caloundra foiled them by putting the real rhino horns in a garbage bag that was last seen at Wolverhampton tip.



• The mate of The Chad Editor - for chastising him for "going a bit far" at last weekends clash between Centrals and Port Magpies at Alberton after he yelled out to Matthew Lokan that he was "a bald headed chicken fucker". A mate he might be, but he's way out of line. Facts are facts, Matthew Lokan is bald AND fucks chickens. End of fucking story. So all the vitriol/constructive criticism thrown at him was definitely appropriate.



• The Centrals supporter at Alberton last weekend who chucked a flare - listen here fuckface, the club doesn't need or want fucking cockheads like you at games (I'm talking to you Grant Coffee). You are a blight on the club, the game, and human kind in general. Centrals has been trying its best to tidy up its image (good fucking luck - L. Holden) and all retards like you manage to achieve is to give ammunition to whiny bitches like the Glenelg ensemble and undo all the hard work the club has been trying to achieve. I implore any doggies supporters who read this blog, if you see this cunt try this again, take the flare from him and shove it up his fucking arse. Fuck off and don't come back to any more games, you're not welcome you cunt (did you hear that Ian Callinan?).



• Matthew Primus - "You saw by the actions of the club on Sunday (against Essendon at Etihad Stadium) that we're going out there to win games". Funny, because all I saw on Sunday was a team of pissweak arseholes get themselves into a winning position then flush it down the shitter. And anyway, Port are fucking useless, how the fuck would you be able to tell if they were tanking? Just play like you've been doing all year Matty and the spoon is yours. Use your pick 4 wisely in the draft, I hear John Rombotis is still running round.



• Jelena Dokic - Aussie/Serb/Aussie/Serb what country does she fuck play under the banner of these days tennis player, check out the picture of her in Wednesday's Crapvertiser, she looks a dead fucken ringer for Rodney Hogg in the picture of him trying to belt Kim Hughes in a test against the Windies in the late seventies. Is it just coincidence that her tennis career has been in the shitter since she had that mole (which had an uncanny resemblance to Venus Williams) taken off her face a few years ago? While Jelena has struggled, the mole she removed has gone on to bigger and better things, it's now Prime Minister of Australia, for the time being.



• Brad Moran - hahahahaha, retiring at your peak you fuckwit. Apparently he held a press conference (attended by one work experience kid from The Peterborough Times) to announce his new business venture (an iPhone ordering business - see follow-up nomination) and retirement at the same time without telling the Adelaide Crows about it. The Crows responded by saying they forgot they'd left the cunt on their list in the first place. And would you trust a business run by that cunt, if it's anything like his football 'career' it would be slow, shit, and continually breaking down.



• Brad Moran - for his iPhone application, NoQ. What is ya follow-up, cockhead, the FarQ? You having fucking NoClue.



• Brad Moran - retired because of "mental anguish". What the fuck? Did ya run out of fucking hair gel and peroxide at the club, cunt? You will be remembered fondly as a cunt who looked like Jane and played like Jane.



• The Labor Party - for leaving a cheat sheet of answers to media questions in Parliament. I've seen it and here are a few examples. Q: "Does Craig Thomson like a rub and tug?" A: "Fucken oath he does". Q: "Does Julia's wife look like Frankie J. Holden?" A: "Fucken oath he does." Q: "Is Chris Bowen a deadset fuckwit?" A: "You fucking bet he is."



• The lawyers who advised the Federal "Government" that the Malaysia solution was legal - who the fuck was the lawyer, The Simpsons' Lionel Hutz? Eugene fucking McGee?



• Mem Fox - and the Oscar goes to ....... drumroll ........ Mem Fox for her acting work outside the courthouse. Whenever a camera came near Mem and her sex offending cunt of a husband Malcolm, Mem clutched onto him like she was a fucken victim to be felt sorry for. Mem couldn't be here to accept the award in person, so her acting coach Nicole 'Joan of Arc ' Cornes will accept the Oscar in her place. Possum fucking Magic alright - you can stick ya books up ya arse.



• Malcolm Fox - found guilty of sex offences against a minor, but managed to avoid jail the filthy cunt. Did ya try some of Mem's acting to con the judge you fucken animal? Also interesting to see is that judging by the colour of his shirt and tie it would appear that Malcolm is a Sturt supporter - not a big fucking surprise. No doubt Mal spent his first night of freedom watching re-runs of The Collectors and catching up on some dvds sent to him by Bernie Finnigan. Cunt.



• Graham Cornes - for the most pissweak re-enactment in history of his mark in the dying seconds of the '73 GF. While we're getting nostalgic how about another Glenelg historical re-enactment, the one where Fred Phillis started slipping the tiger to Pam. And the one in the changerooms at the Bay Oval when Studley slipped one up Tony Symonds jatz cracker.



• The Advertiser - it's a fucken ripper publication isn't it, fucken minda contributors and they can't even get the pictures of the people they are doing articles about right. The story about cord free bungee jumper Ryan Smith's date with a rockery contained a picture of another kid named Ryan Smith who had nothing to do with the article in any way. This is supposed to be the major newspaper in this state for fucksake, jesus we're in strife. They also got the picture wrong when covering Chad Cornes' retirement press conference, putting in a picture of an incontinent vagina instead of Chad, which in their defence could easily be mistaken for him.



• Richard Douglas - fuck me, he's a genius, he'll be the next coach of Port for this illuminating pearl of wisdom - "don't handball to a bloke standing still." Ya just learned that one, did ya, Dicky, ya fuckwit? Here is another one you might want to take on board, "put ya fucking head over the ball."



• The Crows - for squealing on the push-up king, Richmond's angry smurf, Jake King. So Jake laid a hard tackle on one of ya poofters? Fuck off. Bickley, you haven't changed one bit since ya SAPSASA days when ya cried like a fucking baby for ya mummy when you were billeted out with a family in Vale Park, quote from Bicks at the time, "waa waa I want mummy waa waa". The Port Pirie smelters really fucked up ya brains.



• Craig Mottram - for once again failing to make a World Championship final. You are the male Stosur.



• Jeff Giescen - just fuck off will ya, ya old spastic cunt. This time he has decided to crack down on how blokes run-in to kick goals. Piss off. Focus on some issues that really matter, like pinging blokes who get tackled and throw the ball away or not rubbing out blokes who tackle or give legitimate shirt-fronts. You are ruining football. Just F-U-C-K-O-F-F - fuck off.



• The Progressive Insurance Ad - the one with the "fantastic-er-er-er" tag line. Fuckwit-wit-wit-wit.



• Russell Brand - he is now an ordained minister in the US and the cunt has been marrying people. I don't know what would be fucking worse - getting married by Russell or some fat Elvis impersonator. The only consolation is that Russ is only qualified to handle marriages between cousins - so far he has received a shitload of work from the Westhoff family.



• Ron Paul - Republican cunt who has argued against US Federal support for victims of Hurricane Irene. Just another piece of evidence in support of the theory that all blokes who have a Christian name as a Surname are fair dinkum cunts. Other examples include Neil Craig, John Anthony, Grant Thomas and Andrew Hilditch (ok, so I have no evidence of anyone naming their kid "Hilditch" but he's still a fucking deadset cunt and deserves another mention.)



• The New Zealand woman who lost a bag filled with cannabis and was arrested when she tried to reclaim it as lost property from the local police station. She claimed that Qantas baggage handlers stole it.



• Kim Kardashian - for her debut single Jam (Turn It Up). I like the b-side better, Jam It Up Ya Fucking Big Fat Arse.



• Jon Cryer - the nerdy cunt left behind on Two and A Half Fuckwits. Apparently, he wants his character to take over as the show's resident ladies' man. You dickhead. The only show you will ever be resident ladies's man on is Golden Girls. You're career peaked in 1985 when you played yourself as Duckie in Pretty in Pink.



• The 12 joggers who shat their collective dacks when 2 joggers ran through them in the Adelaide Parklands recently - these 12 fuckwits were standing around like a gaggle of fucking cunts when 2 "ageing" joggers, let's call them B1 and B2, came jogging up to them and asked them politely to make way, "coming through". When the 12 fuckers ignored the request, B1 and B2 decided to do the right thing and run straight through them, suggesting as they went by that the 12 arsefucks should show some common courtesy next time. Well, one of the 12 decided to be a fucking smart arse and yelled some abuse as B1 and B2 ran off. Well, B1 and B2 once again did the right thing and back peddled to have a quiet word with this fucking fuck-knuckle. Said fuck-knuckle did something very, very silly and threw a punch at B2 - B2 caught the punch in his right hand and then instinctively dropped the prick with his left, sending the arseclown to sleep for 30 seconds. The other 11fuckers, at that very moment, filled their dacks and started squealing like fucking pigs, threatening to call the cops, before B1 put his elbow to good use and collected one of the peanuts in the process. B1 and B2 then warned the 12 shitheads that if they were still there when B1 and B2 completed their next lap that there would be "carnage." Suffice to say, when the two old pugilists returned, the 12 were nowhere to be seen, leaving behind only a massive fucking skidmark.

Week 30 Winner

Holy shit, how many fuckwits are there in the world these days? Nominee numbers are skyrocketing like wages for shit AFL players ( see Bernie Vince ). Are these cunts just getting dumber or are we just getting more vigilant, either way it is becoming a much more scary world we are living in. You've got mums with 9 kids in their car having prangs whilst pissed, Warnie trying to look like an anorexic George Hamilton, MP's charging rub and tug appointments to company credit cards, two bob snob cunts from Glenelg not wanting lights at their oval and trying to restrict who they play and when, dumbfuck Port players re-signing, and cunts getting air compressors stuck up their arse,just to name a few. Seriously, what the fuck is going on? Have a good hard look at yourselves people, armageddon isn't going to be fire and brimstone and apocalyptic cunts on horses in the future , it's right fucken now, with arsefuck politicians, mongo cunts trying to outrun speeding trains, and fuckheads naming their kids Nimrod. This is our armageddon, it's the fuckwits of the apocolypse. Society as we know it is being destroyed by halfwitted dildos who wouldn't know if their arse was on fire ( or if an air compressor hose was stuck up it ).

Anyhow, on to the winner of the award this week. Despite the best efforts of voters ( well, me anyway ) to get Glenelg to win ( your turn will come you insipid cockheads ) and a nomination for The Chad Editor for watching an episode of The Block ( which I cannot defend, trust me I'm not proud of it ), the winner of The Chad Medal for this week by a majority vote is Greg Chappell. A great player he may have been, but a coaches's arsehole he is not, and an arrogant cunt he is, apologies for sounding like Yoda from Return Of The Jedi but I'm half stung and don't really give a fuck. I was going to go into a vitriol laden essay on G.S. Chappell and his many faults but thought to do it in song would be more fun. I was going to do the song to the tune of 'cmon aussie cmon ' but thought that's as easy as Georgie McGuinness, so have decided to do it to the tune of our national anthem. So here we go, and if you disapprove, care factor is fuck all.

Oh cricket fans lets us rejoice

for we are again free

of G.S. Chappell's constant shit

sick of the cunt were we

His coaching was at best sub par

Has the charms of Ganguly

He is a cunt, he won The Chad,

Oh Greg now fuck off thee

He may have been a great player

But fuckwit yeah is he

With arrogance and a smug look

He really shits me

He's fucked SA as a dud coach

He fucked the test team's arse bare

He may be an Australian great

but I don't fucking care

you've always been a cunt G.S.,

the Chad's yours, it's fucking fair.

Week 30 Nominations

• Mr and Mrs Vromen - Israeli couple who named their son Nimrod. Why not just name the kid "Fuckarse", you've ensured he'll be getting a lifetime of floggings, ya cruel pricks.



• The Remuneration Tribunal - awarded federal MP's a $1500 rise for accommodation when they travel to Canberra. Talk about snouts in the fucken trough, there's a perfectly good tent city directly opposite Parliament House ya greedy cunts. And most stay in Fyshwick, anyway.



• Matt Shirvington - must have done his sports-reading training at the KKKKKKen Cunningham school of monkeys because his efforts on Sky Sports are fucking atrocious. I reckon ya might've spent a bit too much time in those lycra nut-crushing outfits, Shirvo. The cunt sounds more like Matt Damon from the Team America movie.



• Matt Primus - for saying Kane Cornes is not finished as a Port player. Hehehe righto fuckwit, so why's he playing for the Bays this week? Could it be that the only reason you're saying you're going to hold on to the fucken sheepdog is that you don't want to cop shit for having to pay out the last two years of his contract after the Choco debacle?



• John Worsfold - "sledging is a waste of breath". Bullshit, it can put an opponent off his game and give you an edge on him. You're trying to tell me , for instance, if you ran around near Tony Armstrong asking what bus the cunt caught to the game, or asking Stephen Milne if he's raped anyone lately it won't put them off their game and give you an advantage? Get fucked, I bet you don't really think that, it's just a dribble for the media, fucken political correctness gone mad again.



• Todd Viney - see John Worsfold



• Adelaide Crows - re-signed Bernice Vince. Seriously, fucken why, was your sponsorship with Spotlight dependant on the cunt playing for ya?



• Bernie Vince - for giving everyone false hope when he tweeted that he had resigned, instead of re-signed with the Crows. You cruel cunt.



• Greg Chappell - Bye bye Gregory Stephen. Shit-canned. Did fuck all in his position as selector and even got banned from the change room whilst the Oz team were batting. They must have got sick of hearing him recite the story of why he stood his ground when Martin Snedden claimed a catch when he was batting in a one-dayer in the early eighties. Mind you, Snedden was a cunt.



• Tim Nielsen - Shit-canned. About fucken time, it's finally caught up with old Teflon Tim. He's overseen us go from the dominant team in world cricket to a fucken shitheap. He has however been invited to apply for his job back. Good luck cunt, you've got as much chance of getting the gig as Shaun Tait has of growing a backbone.



• Andrew Hilditch - Shit-canned. His obsession with being a compulsive hooker cost him his test spot and his obsession with being a compulsive fuckwit has cost him his gig as chairman of selectors. Fucken toodles cunt.



• Tanya "Sweet" Chilly - 33yr old Victorian dumbfuck who blew .233 after having a car prang with 9 unrestrained kids in her car. Two words - compulsory sterilization. And hand back your fucking Collingwood membership.



• Soumitra Sen - Indian High Court justice has been impeached on corruption charges after allegedly pinching large sums of public money. Doesn't that sound like the dealings of a scoundrel? Or maybe just a shonky, dishonest, thieving cunt?



• Shane Warne - fair dinkum, cut it out Warnie you look like a knob. Have you seen his latest garb, it looks like he's dressed in the kiwi one-day uniform from the early 1980's. You want to know a good diuretic Shane to help you lose weight - fucken beer mate, have 10-11 pints and you're pissing like a busted tap.



• Ricki-Lee Coulter - reality show b-grade celebrity who looked pretty fucken tidy before she took on the Warnie diet, now she looks like one of the freaky little cunts out of Lord of the Rings. Have a feed for fucksake.



• Shaun Micallef - was in talks with ch10 to start up a Rove McManus type comedy show. Thankfully Ch10 actually made a rational decision for once and canned it after informing Shaun that anything like a Rove McManus show is going to be as funny as waking up after a big night out with Angela Bishop lying in the nuddy next to ya. I was just a little bit sick in my mouth after picturing that.



• The 'man' who robbed a Victorian CFA station whilst they were attending a fatal car crash - hopefully they catch the cunt and use the jaws of life to prize his arse cheeks apart wide enough to insert a fucken fire engine. You're a piece of shit.



• Rolling Stone Magazine - has voted Eminem the most successful rapper in history. Says something about rap music doesn't it, like it's fucken shit. It's a bit like voting Danyle Pearce as the most successful pillow of all-time, not something ya gonna brag about.



• Mooney Valley Races - Race 2 was named The Down Syndrome Sprint. Now I'm all for supporting a good cause such as this but why the fuck would you allow a horse named "Power Plant" in the race, that's just taking the piss, especially when Chad Cornes was seen riding the fucken thing. Incidentally it ran like a fucken pig. Further humour was derived in race 4 with the Nicole Cornes tribute horse "Crabs" running.



• David King - has said that Port should sack Primus and replace him with Rocket Eade despite Primus still having 2 years left on his contract. Yep, they're on the bones of their arse and you want to pay this cunt for the next two years to do nothing, mind you they've been paying Danyle Pearce for the last 4-5 years and he's done fuck all.



• Brad Hardie - in reference to the sacking of Rocket Eade has said - "it's been more about personalities and egos of people outside of coaching and who know nothing about what makes a good coach". Talk about a fucken ego, aren't you the cunt who, after getting dragged in a game for Footscray by Mick Malthouse had a big sook and took off your guernsey, then waved it round your head like a woofter on mardi gra night? And didn't you go on to bigger and better things, you ended up looking like a morbidly obese Mark Roberts when you went to Brisbane you dumbfuck. Hello pot, why hello kettle, you're looking a rather darkish hue old chap. Why so are you coincidentally, fucken cockhead.



• Rowey and Studley - for calling Tom Logan, "t-shirt Tom". Fuck off. There is only one "t-shirt Tom" and he is the legendary Tom Hafey. More like fucken teabag Tom.



• The Melbourne man told by doctors that he was pregnant - well, Scott Cummings, ya fatty boom bah, surely you weren't surprised by that diagnosis?



• Dan Murphys - for advertising a bottle of scotch priced at $10,700. That should go down well mixed with the $25,000 bottle of Coke, sourced especially from Colombia.



• Jane Lomax-Smith - for a severe case of "jobs for the boys" or in his/her case, "jobs for the trannys" in being named Chairtranny of the SA Museum. Can't wait for the new Mike Rann exhibit to open, particularly the Chantelois re-enactment scene.



• 50 greatest Harry Potter moments - that would be fucking easy as the closing credits are the only highlights of Harry fucking Potter movies.



• Australian Racing Board - for approving a 1kg rise in minimum jockey weights. Fuck off, those fat little greedy fuckers don't need to stack on any more weight, feed the cunts dust.



• All showbags for the upcoming Royal Adelaide Show passed the test - yep, they checked every single bag and found them all to contain the mandatory 100% pure crap. Look out for the new Jay Weatherill policy showbag this year - all it contains is a bloodied knife and a blank piece of paper.



• Craig Thomson - for allegedly using union credit cards to pay for hookers and to withdraw $100,000 to bankroll his election campaign. Actually, you might have done us all a favour, Thommo, by hopefully forcing a bi-election in your electorate which will then spell the end for the Joooolia and Bob Brown marriage.



• Footballers who run into an open goal and boot the ball out of the ground - fuckwits. You should be made to go and fetch the ball, you wankers.



• Neil Patrick Harris - "sorry I haven't tweeted lately. I fear I have run out of things to say." Don't be sorry, Doogie, you are doing the world a favour by the shutting the fuck up.



• The woman arrested for fleeng a botox clinic in NZ without paying - photos of her taken before the treatment were published and led to her arrest. The photos released after her treatment led to the arrest of Sam Newman.



• Fred Bassett cartoon - come on, for fucksake, this cartoon has been running for 50 years and not once has it ever been funny. Time for a trip to the vet, Fred.



• Starbucks - fined $72,000 for firing a bloke because he was a dwarf. As if Grant Denyer needs the money.



• Glenelg - different coach, same result - a 20 goal loss to the Eagles. hehehehehe



• Kane Cornes - a vintage Kane performance for Glenelg - 40 touches in his team's 20 goal loss. Kane has now been involved in 3 consecutive 100+ point thrashings. Inspirational, Kane, inspirational. You made Luke Jarrad look hard at it. You don't wanna be traded? No fucking wonder, no cunt would want you, even Callington have told you to fuck off.



• Crows fuckheads like Craig Neil, Roo, and Brett Burton who lost a shitload of money investing in a fuel additive pill company that went bust. Lucky they didn't also invest in the pill company that Mrs Bock was offering them a stake in.



• Adelaide Zoo - for contemplating re-naming itself "Conservation Ark". For fucksake, that would be a real pissweak ark - with two each of Adelaide Zoo's main attractions - those two fat over-rated fucking pandas, Fuckstick and Faceache plus the much-loved Cornes brothers, Chad and Kane. Kiddies love to watch Chad and Kane perform their spittle act, Sing a Song of Sixpence a pocket full of phlegm.



• Bill Clinton - for becoming a vegetarian. Apparently, Monica Lewinsky has gone on a protein-free diet too.



• Richard Wilkins - for releasing his memoirs, titled Black Ties, Red Carpets, Green Rooms. Get fucked, Dick. I liked the original title better - Botox, No Brains, Peroxide.



• Channel 7 - for hiring Chad to provide special comments in the Port v Bulldogs game. The weather was expected to be fine for the game but now heavy showers are expected. Channel 7 were forced to install windscreenwipers in the commentary box and supply the other commentators with wet weather gear.



• Darren Simpson - the celebrity chef is partnering KFC for a range of signature chicken burgers. What a fucking farce, we all know there is no chicken in a KFC chicken burger. Apparently, Essendon are partnering Maccas to release a range of cheeseburgers, starting with the Stanton Poofburger. I can't wait for the Hird Happy Meal, which contains two bbqed pigs ears with a serve of lies on the side.



• Gordon Fucking Ramsay - his fucking Melbourne restaurant has gone fucking bankrupt. What a fucking nightmare. Gordon had only one comment to make, "fuck".



• Shepard Smith - the US tv news anchor wanted to tell his Fox News audience on Monday that London was looking for a "top cop" to run Scotland Yard after the recent riots. But it came out as "cop top" and then when trying to correct himself said "top cock". He's a top cock, alright. Reminds me of the time Sandy Roberts introduced Miss Australia, Leeanne Dick to an audience as Leanne Cock. And the time when two ETSA employees were introduced to each other for the first time - Jim Dick please meet Craig Cock (true story). Jim Dick had a hell of time ordering goods when he was procurement officer in Leigh Creek, "I'd like to order 50 rolls of toilet paper, 10 litres of cleaning fluid and 100 boxes of condoms....hello, hello, anyone there?" It is not the first grubby gaffe from Smith. In 2002 the anchor said Bronx residents were more likely to give singer Jennifer Lopez a "curb job than a blow job" when he meant to say "block party". He also made the same quip about Lara Bingle's secret to success, he said "blow job" when he meant to say "blow job".



• The Block - I finally caved in and watched an episode of this 'phenomenon' of a show, watched the last episode on Sunday night and fuck me was I not surprised. It was as boring as batshit, how the fuck do people religiously watch this crap, I'd rather watch bulldog Grimshaw prattle on about supermarket wars.



• The Chad Editor - for being fucking stupid enough to watch the Block. You fuckwit. There was more than enough fucking evidence to suggest that the show was going to be crap. 1. Scott Cam was the host 2. It was on Channel 9. 3. Scott Cam was the host



• The squealing girls who are following that cunt from the Twilight movies around in Australia - shut the fuck up, you sound like an abattoir full of pigs getting slaughtered.



• Muammar Gaddafi - have a laugh ya sour faced old cunt, you look like you've been sucking on a fucken lemon. Life can't be that bad surely, well actually it probably could, sucks to be you, eat shit.



• Glenelg residents - are squealing like the teenage girls following that cunt from the Twilight movies around about the proposal to put lights in Glenelg Oval. One fuckwit complained that it will revert back to the days when there was a disco nearby and revellers made a racket and even left faeces on the roads. Two things - 1) a disco? How far in the fucken past are you living fuckhead, that far back that the bays actually won something (I know I was shocked too but it did happen briefly ), skeletor was in his forties with his future bride Nicole just starting kindy. 2) the collection of faeces playing in yellow and black guernseys on Glenelg Oval would far outweigh the odd random choccie mr whippy left on the road by a pisshead on the way home.



• Magpies - fuck off, swoop me ya cunts and I'll come back with a Gray Nicholls and pretend it's Andrew Hilditch facing a bouncer in the 80's.



• Craig Riccuito - has done the family name proud by getting pinched for selling 2nd hand cars without a licence. His lawyer has asked for him to be spared a conviction as it may cause him to stripped of his qualification as a real estate agent. Fucken shonky cunt, what's next, a career in politics? I've got a new scheme for ya - fuel additive pills - ask ya bro all about it.



• Rob Nelson -Glenelg Chief Executive has asked the SANFL not to schedule any home night games against Centrals if they win approval to erect lights at their shithole. Quote fuckhead - "It's around perception. We haven't experienced (any problems or victories) or have any increased concerns with Central District supporters or any other team. There's a perception around it, that's why we requested that". So if you haven't any problems with any team, you don't have any reason to even mention Centrals supporters or make that request then do you you fuckwit. It must be the perception of complete cunts like you otherwise why the fuck would you bring it up in the first place. You are just pandering to the stereotypes of ignorant fucking cockroaches who think because they come from a supposedly more effluent (no that's not a fucking typo) area that they can pretend like they are holier than thou and others are scum. Yes Centrals have some fucken dropkick supporters, but tell me what club doesn't? Well cunt, ya might want to have a peek in your own backyard, I'll take you back a couple of years to a Centrals v cunts game at Glenelg Oval when one of your fucking choirboys stood in the face of one of my mates and said he was going to spit in his face whilst he was in the company of a kid who would've been no older than 6 or 7. As with many Glenelg supporters, and for that matter players and affiliates, he didn't follow through with his initial display of false bravado (which is lucky for him as my mate would've belted nine colours of shit out of him), he backed down and slunk away like a fucking coward. Yep, you're a superior bunch aren't you fuckhead, with a club that's best " perceived " for players planting each others wives and habitual failure on the field you've got a lot of fucken stones to throw don't you you cunt.



• Glenelg Football Club - for taking the proposed tightening of federal dog laws far too seriously (refer to previous nomination).



• The 17yr old who ran in front of a train and just missed getting killed - natural selection arrives just that little bit too late sometimes doesn't it.



• Shaun Tait - in reference to the recent report on the state of Oz cricket and its recommendations to remedy the slide dickhead said "Australia is still the no.1 team in one-day cricket, you can't have it all ". What a surprise you'd say that you blouse, you never got the fact that test cricket is the only important form of the game to be fucken good in. It was all too fucken hard for you wasn't it Princess Shirley, shut your fucken piehole and stick to commenting about things you know best, like selling your arse like a two dollar whore down on Hanson Rd.



• James O'Connor - missed the recent rugby union test squad function because he got too pissed the night before, thereby resulting in him getting dropped for the upcoming test. A career in rugby league beckons me thinks.



• AFL tribunal - rubbed out Essendon's Heath Hocking for a week for tackling Daniel Kerr. Now I'm loathed to defend any Essendon player but for fucksake, it was a legitmate tackle, you remember the tackle, it's an integral part of our game that you fuckheads are trying to sanitise out. LEAVE THE FUCKEN GAME ALONE!



• Animal activists - for calling on the use of stun guns on Port players before they get slaughtered this week.



• Dennis Cometti - "I can't understand why the Cornes boys can't get a game for Port." Jesus, Dennis, you've spent far too much time with Broooooce. I can't understand why Chad gotta gig on 7.



• The bloke who was arrested for feeding pidgeons near an airport - on a related matter, Adrian Anderson should get arrested for feeding the chooks.



• Banksia Productions - for going into receivership and having to put Humphrey B Bear on the market. When asked for a comment Humphrey said fuck all. Don't worry, Humpers, there is a career in politics waiting for ya, just look at Fat Cat - he's spent the last decade dressed up in his Pat Conlon suit.



• Bluescope Steel executives - share a $3 million bonus on the same day as they announced the sacking of 1,000 employees. Cunts.



• Jessica Beagley - for putting hot sauce on to her adopted 7 year-old son's tongue just so she could get on Dr Phil. Fuck knows what you would have done to the poor cunt to get on Jerry Springer.



• Amy Winehouse - coroners found no illegal drugs in her body, only alcohol. Yep, only some bourbon, scotch, gin, beer, tequila, brandy, red wine, white wine, champagne, vodka, grand marnier, kahlua, bundy, bacardi, tia maria, Baileys, sherry, port, muscat, and a shot of sambucca to wash it all down.



• Channel 9 - for being busted faking a live-cross to a reporter supposedly in a helicopter on location at the Daniel Morcombe search site. Turns out the dodgy cunts filmed the helicopter at the Channel 9 studios in Brisbane. Apparently, it also has been revealed that Tracey Grimshaw has been filmed over the last 5 years in her stables at Randwick and not the Channel 9 studios. Fuckwits.



• AFL - for making SACA members pay to go see Port v Melbourne at Adelaide Oval. HAHAHAHAHAHA You fuckwits. You couldn't pay me to watch that shit.



• Jackson Trengove - for re-signing with Port Power. You stupid cunt - you obviously don't care about winning for the next few years.



• Benji Marshall - for thumping a bloke who told him that he thought Darren Lockyer was a better player than him. But it did not worry Benji in the slightest that he also called him a no-neck, neanderthal fuckwit.



• The elderly Dutch soccer fan who got so angry with the referee that he rode onto the pitch in his scooter and tried run the ref over - Bob Francis, I didn't know you liked soccer and are Dutch.



• Kevin Rudd - for winning the Twinings Australian Afternoon Tea challenge. Fair suck of the sauce bottle, fuckwit. How fucking ironic. As the old saying goes, a person is like a tea-bag, you don't know how strong they are until they get in hot water. And Kevvie, when you got in hot water, you got the arse by your own mob, fuckwit! Weak as piss.



• The cunt who shot a goose with an arrow at McLaren Vale - hey, Robin fucking Hood, there is a goose called Gaddafi that could do with an arrow right now.



• Spain's Duchess of Alba, Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart - the 85 year-old aristocrat (who would have figured that out with that surname) is getting married to a civil servant 25 years her junior. Apparently, she is fucking rich and is Spain's leading aristocrat and is said to have even more noble titles than Queen Elizabeth. She can add this one to the list - Snooty Rich Fuckwit.



• The survey that showed Aussie men are more optimistic than women - no shit sherlock. We are always optimistic that we can piss into the toilet bowl without missing in the dark when we are pissed. We are always optimistic that noone is gonna hear that fart that we try to squeeze out at the dinner table and that it is not going to smell like a dead rat.



• Nicki Hocking - for stripping to make money to look after a shitload of cats. I'm sure I can work a line in about pussies but that would be just too fucking obvious.



• Clive Davies - the 54 year-old pommy cunt who left the White Horse pub in Cambridge and showed employees at a nearby grocery store a seven-inch blade he said he planned to use on the staff who had served him the unsatisfactory beef and onion sandwich. Employees at the store called police and Davies, who has a previous conviction for manslaughter, was apprehended in another local pub, the Lion and Lamb. Fuck knows what he would have done if he tried one of their lion and lamb sandwiches.



• Adidas - for launching a barefoot shoe. Adidas has offered a pair of the barefoot shoes to a barefaced fucking liar, Julia Gillard.



• A heavily-trafficked stretch of highway in Tennessee was temporarily shut down after police discovered four large canisters of bull semen on the road - apparently they fell off the back of Monica Lewinsky's pick-up truck. Obviously, the protein-free diet didn't last too long.



• Shurley - Shane Warne and Liz Hurley are to get married. No need for a plastic wedding cake decoration - the cunts can perch themselves on top of the cake. Is Plastic Bertrand going to sing at the wedding? Or perhaps the Plastic Ono Band might reform for the occasion?



• Speaking of fucking weddings, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries - for fucKsaKe. Each guest at their wedding recieved a gift bag - among the items were a Kite, a Kidney, a Kelpie, a Kangaroo, a Kazoo, a Kayak and even a fucking winged Keel. And Kepler fucking Wessels presented guests with the gift bags. Kermit the fucking frog was MC and the KKK provided security. What a fucking Kerfufle. Kunts.


• Grant Thomas - "some clubs are strangled by egos and management blunders." And you would fucking know, fuckwit!



• OMG and BFF are now in the Oxford Dictionary - what about NFI, SNAFU and STFU?



• Gerrard Durant - the 26 year-old pommy electrician who was wiring up a caravan when a compressed air hose somehow found its way up his arse, causing him to inflate. "The next thing I knew I felt this strong air being blown on my legs from behind, and then something went up my rectum through the shorts I was wearing." This case is eerily similar to the Steve the NZ truckie who also had a similar "accident". Accident, my arse, you sick fuckwits.
  

Week 29 winner

Political correctness. I’ve had a fucking gutful of it. The whole world needs to take a teaspoon of concrete and harden the fuck up. We’ve got footballers squealing like stuck pigs because opponents are sledging their mums – for fucksake, the best way to respond is to get the fucking football, you bunch of fucking pussies. Imagine what would happen if Micky Martyn called Gary Ablett Sr’s mum a filthy strumpet – Gary wouldn’t have squealed, he would have sat on Micky’s head a few times and kicked 12 goals in response. Then we’ve got animal activists complaining that some sheep died on a broken down ship at Outer Harbour – a ship that was taking these sheep overseas to be, wait for it, killed. If someone can explain to me how to get a roast lamb or a nice char-grilled t-bone steak on my plate without killing the animal, I’m all fucking ears. Do these animal activists give a shit about more important things, like kids living on the fucking street or being abused by kiddy-fiddling priests? Nah, of course not, fucking tree-hugging hippy bastards, that would require them to step into the real world for a few moments.

Which brings us to the winner of this week’s Chad. It was not necessarily a unanimous decision – there was strong support for Crows supporters, 20/20 cricket and Channel 10 to win but in the end I had no choice but to award the medal to Indian cricket fans for calling me a “scoundrel” and a “blatant racist”. It was absolute fucking gold to get such a reaction to a diatribe I delivered not on Indian cricket, but ironically on Pakistan cricket. It got me thinking about what sort of reaction I met get from these currymunching fuckwits if I turned the blowtorch onto Indian cricket. So here goes…

India is solely responsible for turning the once great and noble game of cricket into a complete and utter farce, run by corrupt and inept arseholes more intent on lining their own pockets than protecting the integrity of the game. Cricket is now run by Indian betting syndicates via the Indian-run ICC. Test cricket is being allowed to wither like a shrivelled-up grape on a dying vine while billions of dollars are poured into the fucking steaming pile of crap that is 20/20 cricket. And yet Indian cricket fans call me a scoundrel and a racist. Well, my Indian cricket fans, you are the fucking scoundrels and racists and I’ll now provide you with a raft of irrefutable evidence in support.

Let’s start with “scoundrel”. By definition, a scoundrel is an unscrupulous person and unscrupulous means completely oblivious or contemptuous to what is right or honourable. My Indian friends, this perfectly describes Indian cricket over the past couple of decades. Here are some examples.

In 2000, Mohammed Azharuddin, the former Indian cricket captain was banned for life by the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) for his involvement in match-fixing. Azharuddin was responsible for introducing the dodgy Indian bookmaker Mukesh Gupta to Hansie Cronje, the late South African captain and a-grade cheating cunt, who was also banned for life. And as part of the same investigation, three other Indian players and a team official were also implicated. Ajay “Snake” Sharma was banned for life while Ajay Jadeja, Dr. Ali Irani, the team physiotherapist, and, ironically, Manoj Prabhakar, who started the scandal when he accused others of match fixing, all received five-year bans for their involvement with bookmakers. Fucking dirty cheats - the pricks under-performed for large sums of money supplied by Indian bookies. It is a pity that Cameron White can’t use that same excuse for his long-term under-performance. It is pretty bloody ironic that Prabhakar now heads up Naturence Cosmetics – the cunt sure knows a shitload about covering up. And to prove that corrupt behaviour is accepted in India, Azharuddin is now a Member of Parliament in India. Yep, the people of India, despite his blatant and proven dishonesty, voted him in to represent them. What do you say about that, Indian cricket fans???

The report into Azharuddin’s crooked dealings by the CBI, India’s equivalent of the FBI, also implicated the BCCI. The report said that while there was no evidence that any officials were involved in match fixing, such a widespread racket was not possible without their knowledge. If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it is most likely a fucking cheating cunt.

During the test between India and South Africa in November 2001, match referee Mike Denness found six India players guilty of various offences and banned them all for one test match. The players were:
o Sachin Tendulkar (ball tampering charges, including his own)
o Virender Sehwag (excessive appealing)
o Sourav Ganguly (inability to control his team player's behaviour and no doubt for being a prick)
o Harbhajan Singh (excessive appealing)
o Shiv Sundar Das (excessive appealing)
o Deep Dasgupta (excessive appealing)

Indian cricket fans took the streets burning effigies of Denness in protest – real classy. And true to form, the BCCI, rather than doing the honourable thing and disciplining the players, threatened instead to cut short the series if the ICC didn’t replace Denness as match referee, they refused, but the fucking South African Cricket Board bent over and obliged. Did any money exchange hands? Who can say, but it smells fucking fishy. If it walks like a duck…

India was also the stage for one of the most dreary Test matches of all-time, between India and England, a match in which everyone watching the game would have gladly chipped in some coin to bribe the players to end the match. The setting was in Bangalore in December 1981. India had gone 1-0 up in the series in the Bombay opener and was in no mood to throw away the advantage (most probably because they hadn’t been offered any cash to throw the game). England batted first and scored 400, with walking cure for insomnia, Chris Tavaré taking three hours to score 22. Then, when India batted, Sunil Gavaskar spent nearly 12 hours making 172 and put an end to any hope of a result in the match. So, all in all, the crowd were treated to a thoroughly mind-numbing match. Gavaskar, the arrogant cunt, also had a unapologetic history of monotony. His painful 36 not out off 174 balls in the first match of the first World Cup is surely one of the dullest batting spectacles of all time. England had thrashed four for 334 from their 60 overs with an assured Dennis Amiss century and a sparkling 51 not out by Chris Old off just 30 balls. Then, Gavaskar came in and batted, nay, bored for India. I spoke with Tony Greig about the match, “The stupid little prick. I told him after our innings that India could get a draw out of the game as long as they were not all out. Would you fucking believe the little curry-muncher believed me. Hahaha. His innings was about as exciting as watching Bill Lawry tend to his fucking pigeons.” India still had seven wickets in hand when the final, merciful ball was bowled at Lord's that June day in 1975, but they ended up a staggering 202 runs short.

Gavaskar and his mate, Ravi Shastri, have gone on to form the most biased commentary team in history. Gavaskar and Shastri have an unashamed conflict of interest in their dual roles as officials of the BCCI and contracted commentators. The pair get paid a huge some of money by the board that forces the pair to toe BCCI's line, ie to be biased. Indian cricket fans, do you think being paid to be bias is unscrupulous? I’ll answer that on your behalf – fucking oath it is. The whole situation erupted after a verbal spat between Shastri and former England skipper Nasser Hussain in their commentary stint during the second Test between England and India at Nottingham. Shastri strongly reacted to Hussain's comments about BCCI's stand on the Decision Review System (DRS), telling the Englishman that he has no right to speak on issues related to the BCCI. Well, Shastri, I think Hussein, even though he is a total fuckwit, has every right to question why the BCCI is dead against the introduction of the DRS – why would that be, I wonder? Would it be because it might cut out some potential match-fixing? Shastri and Gavaskar are now being accused of 'conflict of interest' and bias towards the BCCI while commentating since they are being paid by the Indian board. "There is no business for such people to be in the commentary box. But the scenario is hardly surprising, considering the BCCI works like a banana republic for which conflict of interest has never been an issue; in fact, it actively creates them," renowned media commentator Santosh Desai was quoted as saying to a leading Indian daily. "I see this as a larger nexus between the Board, the commentators and the TV broadcasters. The onus has to be on individuals, especially if they are iconic sportsmen, to set an example and not become part of this co-option for personal gain," Desai added. Gavaskar's former teammate Bishan Singh Bedi was also critical about BCCI's approach and termed it as 'unethical' to hire mouthpieces. "We are not surprised. Anyone familiar with this board knows there is no question of ethics with them. There is conflict of interest everywhere. There is brazen disregard for norms. It's run like a fiefdom and no opposition is tolerated." Ex-India spinner Maninder Singh, however, said Gavaskar and Shastri are victims of deep-rooted corruption in the country and cricket is not immune to the menace. "It's symptomatic of what the nation is going through. There are scams, corruption in every sphere of life and cricket is not immune. Any ex-player given that kind of money will succumb to temptation. It is the board's fault," said Maninder. "If the board was seriously interested in improving the game, such ex-players with deep knowledge of the game should have been paid to be on a cricket affairs committee to streamline scheduling or player fatigue or other niggling issues. Why commentary?" he added. Of course Gavaskar and Shastri denied the allegations as they drove off in their BCCI Bentleys.

So corruption in Indian cricket continues unabated. Take the insidious Indian Premier League (IPL), for example. This stain of a league has been continuously tainted with rumours of players throwing games or agreeing to commit a flagrant error in exchange for cash. And in the process, the IPL is destroying cricket. Once results of games are questioned, then the game is fucked. And then you have undeserving cunts like Shaun “Princess” Tait getting paid big bucks to bowl four fucking overs of tripe. It is a fucking embarrassment and dishonour to the champions of the past like Richie Benaud and Clive Lloyd. But I’m sure Greg Dyer would have fitted in perfectly. The competition is crooked. You want proof? Ok, here are a few examples. A high-profile minister in India, Shashi Tharoor, was forced to resign after a cricket official disclosed that his girlfriend was given a £10 million stake in an Indian Premier League Twenty20 cricket team. And then there are the player payments - last year an investigation found that 33 foreign cricket players were paid illegally to play for IPL teams and that a money-laundering scheme was involved to avoid the payment of taxes. Fucking bloody shonky. And Sharad Pawar, a former president of the BCCI and a key political ally of the ruling Congress party, was then accused of improperly using his office to influence bids for IPL contracts. A second minister was accused of diverting a passenger plane from the national carrier Air India for use by IPL players. For fucksake, we could have given them Tiger Airways, if they were that fucking desperate. The whole situation is rancid and is exactly why cricket is fucked. How can cricket survive when India rules the ICC??

While scoundrels abound in Indian cricket, they also run rampant elsewhere in India. Take the recent Commonwealth Games in New Delhi. The event was marred by reports of corruption in the planning of those games, poor management of the construction of new arenas (eg falling down bridges, a collapsing stadium roof), and an athletes’ village in which rooms were soiled by human waste (ie covered in piss and shit). And the Indian weightlifting team was caught in a doping scandal, with the weak bastards busted for taking steroids. And later, Mandeep Kaur and Sini Jose, two of India’s leading 400 metre runners and part of last year’s Commonwealth Games gold-medal winning relay team, were also suspended for taking steroids. Does the corruption in India ever end? The answer is fucking no. India has recently been rocked by a telecommunications scandal over the allocation of mobile phone licenses, as a government auditor concluded that the government might have lost about $40 billion in fees because officials gave licenses to favoured bidders at bargain prices. The Indian CBI filed charges against a former communications minister, his aides and several high-profile business executives in that case. They were accused of cheating, forgery and corruption. Sounds fucking familiar, doesn’t it?

I think I have more than adequately covered “scoundrels” so I’ll now move on to racism. Talk about deadset fucking hypocrisy. You could fill the British Library with stories on racism in India – it is one of the most racist nations on earth. Their entire caste system is based on race and heredity. Certain people have rights and others don’t. The haves and the have nots. Might partially explain why there is such a huge fucking gap between the rich and the poor in India. Foreigners are considered to be casteless and therefore outcasts. Ask any African what it is like to be in India. Take for example, Diepiriye Kuku, an African living in India - upon entering a bank one day Kuku was startled by a voice over the loudspeaker, droning, “An African has come.” A real nice welcome. Later, when Shaun Tait walked in, the same droning voice announced, “A heartless, dis-loyal, money-grabbing cunt has come”. And what about when Harbhajan Singh in Sydney and then a crowd of 100,000 in India called Andrew Symonds a "monkey" - I suppose that wasn't racist?

So Indian cricket fans, before you start pointing the finger, take a look in the fucking mirror – you are the fucking scoundrels and blatant racists. And while you are looking in the mirror, take a close look at that Chad Medal around your neck that that you have just won, it fits perfectly, doesn’t it – wear it proudly fuckwits. To close, I’d just like to say, if any of you cockheads disagree with my comments – stiff fucking shit, you can go and fuck ya selves.

Week 29 nominations

• The one in four children in NZ who live in poverty - you've got it far better than the other 3 who live with Doris the Sheep and are all related to Martin Sneddon.



• Andrew Capel - for continuing to aid the myth that Norwood's Dean "The Arsonist" Terlich is AFL material. For fucksake, have any of you so-called journos actually seen this cunt play??? He's fucking Penski material.



• Alistair Clarkson - for saying before the game that "Port are a pretty dangerous opponent". Yeah, good one, Clarko, ya fucking little gnome. The only danger in playing Port these days is getting a severe case of leather poisoning.



• Matty Primus - for his comments before the Hawthorn game that "the pain will pay off". Yep, it paid off in spades for those non-Port supporters out there watching the game - it was fucking gold watching those bastards surrender. Hey, Danyle Pearce, you are the weakest cunt ever to play the game.



• Kane Cornes - hehehehehehehehe. Bye bye, fuckface.



• Brett Duncansen - see Kane.



• AFL players - for trying to put their snouts further into the trough. How about you deliver some decent fucking footy before putting ya hand up for more cash. How about allowing some of that cash trickle back to grassroots footy - you know, the clubs that gave you your start in the first place. Greedy cunts.



• Glenelg - for advertising for a Senior Coach. As if anybody is going to apply for that fuckarse job. Christ, you would rather be the bloke who put his hand up to root Penny Wong's other half.



• The cunt who killed a 6 year old labrador with a paintball gun - you despicable bastard. When they catch you, I hope they load up a paintball gun and fire it from pointblank range at your nurries.



• Speaking of nurries, the bloke who shot himself in the balls at the Marksman Indoor Shooting Range - did ya get a free stuffed toy with that shot?



• Renee Geyer - for crap driving. Have you been watching Mark Webber?



• Cliff Richard - for recording a "soul" album. Fuck off. Cliff, you have has much soul as the Port Adelaide Football Club. Wired for sound? How about wired up to an electric chair, you fucking insipid cunt.



• Lady Gaga - for being the "new face of feminism". How the fuck can a tranny be the face of feminism?



• Allistair Cook - for being described as the "new Bradman". Yeah, good call, 60 tests at an average of 49. Maybe they were referring to Dudley Bradman, Sir Don's little known retarded cousin who was fucking ace at weaving whicker baskets.



• Tiger Woods - for missing another cut. The prick has a serious case of blue balls - it is time to give starfucker, Lara Bingle, a call and unload some of that pressure.



• Heidi "Tea Tree" Gully - for racking up $75,000 in unpaid car fines with the pissweak excuse that someone else was driving her car. Ya right - it was probably ya mates in the gang of 49 using ya car to deliver meals on wheels.



• Lainie Anderson - you serve up more shit than Lucy Cornes. Fuck off.



• Channel 10 - for planning to bring back It's A Knockout and Young Talent Time. I've got a better idea - how about combining the two - It's A Young Talent Knockout Time. I for one would love to see some of those smug little cheesy singing and dancing cunts getting a fucking backhander and when Johnny Fucking Young closes the show, Barry Hall steps on stage and delivers a Staker...."close your eyes...fucking bang!"



• Sarah Palin - for planning to run for US president again. She said, "there is plenty of room for a common sense conservative". Unfortunately, Sarah, you don't have any common sense - so go and fuck a moose.



• Peter Goers - for whinging about the smoking ban in the Rundle Mall. Fuck off, idiot - if you want a choof so bad, just take a short stroll down the road to the RAH - there a plenty of you smoking shitheads there.



• The Wiggles - you are starting to look like a bunch of fucking old paedophiles now, it is high time you handed your fucking skivvies in. Chad and Kane will need a job soon - I'm sure a couple of nice teal skivvies won't look out of place. By the way Kane coughed up the ball against Hawthorn, I'm sure he knows the words to "hot potato hot potato". Just don't ask either of them to say "Captain Feathersword" otherwise it will give a whole new meaning to "Swim Henry Swim".



• Tony Shaw - for saying the Bombers can win this year's premiership. You dumb little fuckhead, Sheeds wants his medication back.



• Luke Jarrad - for being reported against Centrals? Reported?? Luke Jarrad?? Those two statements go together like Mike Rann and humility. What the fuck did he get reported for? Impersonating a footballer? Attempting to dry root the Gowans twins? Shitting his dacks? I haven't laughed so much since the last Port Adelaide game.



• Crows supporters - apart from the bleeding obvious, this time for leaving the ground when the Crows were down by only 2 goals with 3 minutes left in the game to play and with the Crows pressing forward. Fair weather fuckwits.



• Crows supporters - for booing like fucking mindas when a Cats player took a mark in front of a Crows player who attempted to mark from behind. You fuckwits - the man in front rule has been in place for 150 years - learn to read and then grab ya selves a fucking rulebook. Fuckheads.



• Richmond - for costing a shitload of footy tippers a free whopper this week. The only people happy with that result are the pimple-faced fuckers that serve at Hungry Jacks.



• Mick Malthouse - for doing his cruit because his headphones didn't fit right. Either that or Nathan Buckley had his favourite Lady Gaga cd on high rotation.



• The Duchess of Pork, Sarah Ferguson - she looked like a fat Mick Hucknall in a dress and high heels when interviewed on Sixty Minutes. Lord Mountbatten's boat is waiting for you, Fergie.



• West Coast Eagles - for suspending Patrick McGinnity for sledging Ricky Petterd's mum. For fuck sake, sledging is an Australian tradition - if ya can't sledge a bloke's mum, who can ya sledge?? And besides, Petterd's mum is a cunt, allegedly.



• Jason Dufner - for blowing a 5 shot lead in the US PGA with only 3 holes left. You dickhead, I told ya not to take advice from the Shark.



• Keith Conlon - for advertising Pilates. Keith, Pilates is not a type of pie, you fat, bearded, grey-headed gnome.



• Kangaroo Island ferry operators - who the fuck is doing ya maintenance, Tiger Airways mechanics??



• Drivers who tailgate in the wet - back off, fuckwits.



• Angelo Mathews - vice captain of Sri Lanka. "Angelo Mathews" does not sound like a fucking Sri Lankan name - it sounds more like the lovechild of Greg Mathews and Angelo Christou.



• Indian cricket fans - for calling Laurie Holden a "scoundrel" and a "blatant racist" for his piece on the history of Pakistan cheating in cricket. Listen up, you currymunching fuckwits, India and Pakistan are life-long sworn enemies, so I would think I would have recieved your utmost support for that rant. But then again, if you don't like it, then you can get fucked. India has fucked cricket up completely - 20/20, handing the Poms the number one ranking, Gavaskar's bias and whiny commentary, inflicting Ganguly on the world, betting scandals. So to those Indian cricket fans who don't like the truth, shut ya fucking cakehole and take a few minutes to step into the room of mirrors. As for being racist, I'm fucking indiscriminate - if a fuckwit is a fuckwit then I'll call them a fuckwit, whether they be black, white, yellow, pink or Julia Gillard. Those Paki cunts are cheats - end of fucking story.



• Port Power - hahaha you fucken weak bunch of pricks, I fucken told ya I'd be laughing at ya for sometime to come, and you provided me with that much mirth on the weekend I nearly spewed up my beer* from laughing so hard. Port had the chance to answer their critics after their 'effort' against Collingwood and the result was a 165 thrashing at the hands of the Hawks. Great answer cunts. I was at the MCG to watch it and it's just about the best live comedy act I've seen, Port showed less stomach for a stoush than Karen Carpenter did for a fucken whopper with cheese. You are a fucken disgrace to the game of football. *see next nomination.



• MCG catering - ya go to the southern end bar, you get stung $7 for a beer, ya go to the bar on the wing it's $6.40, and it wasn't even proper beer, fucken Carlton draught. Cunts.



• Cesc Fabregas - former Arsenal skipper who did the runner to Barcelona, yeah Arsenal are gutted fuckwit, old 'captain sicknote' as he became known spent more time in the medical room getting treatment for a broken nail than on the pitch.



• 20/20 cricket - it's a fucken abortion of a game. If you need any justification for this comment ponder this, Cameron White is Australian captain. Good night Irene, it's fucked.



• The 11 year old kid in the London riots who pinched a bin from a department store - pity you didn't loot the hospital and pick up a brain you dopey little turd, didn't realise there were Port supporters abroad.



• The Advertiser - how's this for a voteline question - should banks reduce interest rates? Next week - is The Chad a cunt?



• Nuie - tiny Pacific nation is going to put Luke Skywalker on their currency as the Star Wars movies have had such an impact there. You know what else would make a decent impact on dumbfucks like that - make out that the island is the Death Star and unload some more nuclear testing on it.



• Swaziland - have been unable to open their only university due to having no money. Do you really need a degree to spear a fucken wilderbeast?



• The Korean bloke who tried to swim across the Yarra river after birthday celebrations but drowned - how did he manage to drown for fucksake, there's that much pollution in there he should've been able to walk across. And how come Jim Courier survived when he jumped in after winning the Aussie Open back in the early 90s? Now we have to put up with the cunt's crap commentary.



• Public Servants - take twice as much sick leave as the average Aussie worker. Get back to work ya mooching cunts.



• Norwood Footy Club - can't keep the globes in their fucken light towers, one fell out on Friday night and hit a spectator. How many Dean Terlichs does it take to change a lightbulb?



• The taxi industry - whilst sitting in a Melbourne pub looking out the window over the weekend I decided to play a little game called 'spot the caucasian taxi driver'. The results came in at 67 taxis in 45 mins, and guess how many of the cunts were caucasian - that's right, fucken zilch. There is another game that is fun to play - spot the mindas among a Crows crowd - you guessed it, a 100% strike rate on the minda meter.



• Essendon supporters - fair dinkum do you like the smell of your own shit or what, arrogant smarmy cunts. And no Brett Stanton is not a good footballer, despite what you fuckheads say, he is a fucken pillow. OK, so there are a few Essendon supporters that actually think that Stanton is a pillow but he pulls on an Essendon jumper so too fucking bad.



• Brett Duncanson - for saying "we don't whinge about things at Port Adelaide." Hehehehe. You cockhead, have you ever sat in the outer amongst your fellow Port supporters?? The cunts' vocabulary is limited to "boooooo", "baaaaaaaaaaaaaall" and "deliberate". And when they are not whiging about the umpires, they are whinging about being screwed by the SANFL. The Port nickname is being changed from the Power to the Poms. Whinging bastards.



• That fucking annoying APIA Insurance ad on radio - ok, so most pensioners are fucking annoying but that ad gives me the shits and pretty much guaran-fucking-tees that I will never ever take out an insurance policy with APIA. Sue and Terry, just fucking piss off on that holiday of yours to Lakes Fucking Entrance and take that annoying fucking APIA cow with ya.



• The mouse that grounded a Stockholm-to-Chicago flight, stranding 250 passengers, after it was spotted scampering along the aisle before takeoff - the plane finally took off after the mouse returned to Richard Gere's arse.



• Tanielu Atuai - the Mormon official who was arrested for trying to board a flight with a loaded gun in his hand luggage. He argued that he was on a mission from god. Yeah nice try fuckwit, you're not a fucken Blues Brother. Tanielu Blues - doesn't have much of a ring to it does it, how about Tanielu the bible bashing sheep fucker.



• The NZ woman who went on a $42,000 rampage after discovering her husband was having an affair - she later discovered she had targeted the wrong sheep station.



• Hendra virus - six horses have now died from the disease in NSW and fucking Tracey Grimshaw was once again not one of them. Come on Hendra, do us a fucking favour will ya and knock on Tracey's door.



• The 11 year old German boy who called the cops after his mum made him do chores on his summer break - think yourself lucky you ungrateful little cunt, if it was 70 years ago they would've stuck a rifle in your hand and put you on the Russian front.



• Mourners who gathered at Elvis Presley's gravesite to mark the 34th anniversary of his death - for fucksake, he was a fat cunt who died on the shitter, get a grip. Does that mean mourners will continue to gather outside childcare centres on the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death each year as well?



• Kevin Sheedy - for offering to take the Cornes brothers to GWS. You senile old cunt, whilst you're at it, take the rest of the fucking family as well.



• Jeremiah Lee Wright - bludgeoned, decapitated and dismembered the body of his 7 year old son and left his head on the street so the boy's mother would see it. Jesus christ, what the fuck is wrong with some people, watch your back you sick cunt karma is coming to get you, hopefully in the form of a fucken noose and some electrodes on your nuts.



• Mark MacLure - for suggesting that people who pay to go the footy can't say what they want. Bullshit. Paying the entrance fee to the AFL or any football game for that matter entitles you to say whatever the fuck you want. For example, going to a Port game automatically allows you to make comments like, "Fuck off, Kane, you are a soft selfish cunt and ya mum rooted the entire Phillis family."



• Eddie McGuire - for suggesting that before any supporters make comments they should first consider, "would you say it in front of your grandma?". Eddie, that comment is just going to confuse Collingwood supporters because in most cases their grandma is also their mum/aunty/sister.



• Brad Scott - for using the same tin of kiwi boot polish on his hair as David King. What is it with you blokes that dye their hair? You look like fucking tools.



• Mark Robinson - for a severe case of "pot kettle black". He launched a scathing attack on sledging in football but then goes on to call Mick Malthouse a neanderthal in his column.



• Football media - for calling on Mick Malthouse to apologise to Stephen Milne for calling him a rapist. Get fucked, that is the best compliment Milne has ever received.



• Tom Waterhouse - for his ad for his betting website, tomwaterhouse.com - "I was born a Waterhouse, I was born to bet." Well, Tom, ya deadset fuckwit, if you are anything like your dodgy old man, a more appropriate slogan would be, "I was born a cheating cunt, I was born to fix horse races."



• The Footpath Flasher - this filthy cunt who exposed himself to a woman at Seaton was described as "having a weathered complexion." No fucking wonder it has a weathered complexion if it is exposed to the elements on a regular basis.



• NZ Rugby Fans - for deciding not to abstain from sex during the All Blacks World Cup campaign. No fucking wonder 200 sheep jumped ship at Outer Harbour - they would rather drown than get shagged by a randy New Zealand rugby supporter.



• Sperm donor dad who had his name removed from his daughter's birth certificate by a court order initiated by the lezzo mum - for fucksake. No matter how you cut and dice it you lezzos, ya cannot conceive a child without a bloke's jizz.



• Lyalya "Tupac" Tupikova - the Russian woman who stabbed her husband to death because he forgot her birthday. But she had no problem with the fact that he got smashed every night on vodka and stank like a rancid pig.



• Gerard Depardieu - for urinating in an aeroplane in front of fellow passengers after cabin crew refused to let him use the toilet. Apparently, Gerard argued that a passenger asked for his autograph and he was just signing his name.



• Will Power - the Aussie Indy Car driver (who was previously nominated for his name) for spitting the dummy when he crashed out of the New Hampshire race. Still, he showed more fight than the other Power we know and love.



• The fuckwits that have launched an online petition to get Sesame Street room-mates Ernie and Bert to tie the knot - Fuck off! Next they'll be telling me the Village People are gay. Bert and Ernie are not gay - they are just really good friends. Sure, they sleep together and share the occaisonal bath with rubber ducky, but that doesn't mean they are woolly woofters. Elmo, on the other hand, is a deadset poo puncher.