Round 22 Winner

No need for nominations this week, Ricky Nixon has stitched it up. Just when you thought he couldn't be any more or a fuckwit he goes and assaults his new missus and has a crack at the cops when they try to arrest him. Fuckwit. So thus I give you the tale of Ricky Nixon to the tune of Toni Basil's 'Mickey'
Hey Ricky, you're a cunt
Confirmed it with your latest stunt
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky, you're a prick
Again you've shown that you're a dick
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky, you're all class
Beat your missus you fuckarse
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky
You'd had a busy night
Before the cops had come along
Ok to belt your missus right
Nope again you're fucken wrong
Cunts like you they are a slight
On the human race you mong Ricky
Then Tegan called the bill
Go quietly, no you won't
You're still off your face on pills
Resist Ricky, maybe don't
Fuck it go on do it cunt and the cops'll break your bones Ricky
Oh Ricky what a pity
You don't understand
You don't get to take to women
With a wrinkly old backhand
Oh Ricky what a shitty
Excuse you're for a man
It's turds like you Ricky
Still on the snow Ricky, grog Ricky
D'ya break her arm Ricky?
The Herald Sun follows your moves
Cause it's a cert they know
That every time you move
You'll sink to a new low
Now it's death threats and abuse
How low can you go Ricky
So hopefully a judge will chuck you in the can
Wanna be a deadshit thug
Take what's coming like a man
Ah, question Ricky, question
D'ya like your time again Ricky?
Oh Ricky, get no pity
Cause you understand
You've the charms of a wet fart
Or cancerous anal gland
Oh Ricky, futures shitty
Least your life ain't bland
You're a gutless pig Ricky
And now ya screwed Ricky, screwed Ricky
So take your Chad Ricky

Round 21 Winner

As a fitting tribute to the impending Olympic Games we have the winners of this week's awards, which go to show athletes and administrators are equally capable of being total fuckarses. The winner of The Eugene for complete fuckery was a tie between Tamsyn Manou and Jon Steffensen. Both of these two have bitched and moaned about their non selections, one claiming it was racially motivated, the other that a time she ran when she was 8 should be enough to get a gig. Shut the fuck up both of you, it has nothing to do with race,gender or what type of fucken undies you wear. IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING SHIT. The reason you didn't get picked is because we don't want our national representatives getting lapped by some cunt from Guinea Bissau, we've already got a fucking embarrassment leading the country,we don't need to give people any more ammunition to chuck shit at us. Tamsyn, fuck off to Saudi Arabia where the only Olympic qualification you need is to have a vagina, and Jon, might be time to move to American Samoa where their qualifiers consist of chasing squealing pigs. In your case it would be like a dog chasing its tail.
The winner of The Chad Medal is the London Olympics, it hasn't even started and it's given me the shits already. The opening ceremony looks like something dreamed up by John Major after a joint, the mascots ( Vaudeville and Hemlock )look like one-eyed dildos  ( batteries not included ), the city is still a filthy shithole, the bloke in charge of security is getting paid a shitload despite not being able to guarantee that a) there will be sufficient security numbers b) that the security they do have will be adequately trained in time c) that some of them will even fucking show up,  and the residents are still a pack of rude cunts. And who the fuck kept synchronised swimming and greco roman wrestling in, for fucksake I know wrestling goes back to the ancient games but if you want to see two blokes getting sweaty dry rooting each other in the guise of sport you don't need it in the Olympics, just go to Sturt footy training. The sooner they get darts in the better. So well done, you're golden Chad awaits you, just don't let those shifty fucken Romanian pickpockets pinch it.

Round 21 Nominees

• Floyd Mayweather Jnr - is currently serving a 3 month sentence for domestic battery where he attacked his former girlfriend while two of her kids watched, and has asked to released from jail because he claims the low quality food and water are a threat to his health. Hmmm a bloke who smacks his missus round in front of the kids is complaining about food being a threat to his health, how does a giant shitburger with the lot sound.

• Mary Jo Fisher - old light fingers can't take a trick, she's been pinched for shoplifting again and still owes her legal team from her first trial 10 grand.

• Quyen Nguyen - owner of a Noodle Box store has been busted underpaying an employee $10000 and made the employee sign a 'contract' stating "I get pay amount $11 per hour and I do not complain anything about my wages". Don't think so pal, me think you stingy fuck who need pay fucking money.

• Tom Cruise - gonna go bouncing on Oprah's couch now ya missus finally came to her senses and fucked you off dickhead? Go back and have a sook with all your other fucken cult members, do us a favour an stage a WACO reenactment

• The AFL Match Review Panel - what a joke, Taylor Walker cops three weeks for a tackle that ended in him getting a fucken free kick! You watch Chris Judd get fuck all for trying to snap someone's arm off though.

• Federal MP's - have received a sneaky 3% pay rise after receiving a pay rise only 4 months ago. I don't think Mary Jo Fisher is the only thief in parliament.

• The Migration Review Tribunal - allowed a single Lebanese woman to stay in the country even after finding that she paid a bloke $20000 to marry her just for residency. Two words - fuck off.

• Guy O'Keefe - former South Adelaide player has been sentenced to 150 hours of community service for drug trafficking, to make him suffer they are making him do the time at South Adelaide Football Club.

• Woodville West Torrens - currently sitting on the bottom of the SANFL ladder. It's a shame hehehehe pigs fucken arse.

• The Olympics - zzzzzzzzzzzzzz underwhelmed anyone?

• The London Olympic Committee - have come up with two of the shittiest looking mascots you would ever want to see. They look like the end product of  Kodos from The Simpsons fucking the one-eyed bird off Futurama.

• Julia Gillard - is absolutely certain the carbon tax is the right policy to give Australia a clean energy future and it will not destroy business and jobs. If that's true why did you state that there would be no carbon tax under your government?

• The RSPCA - had convicted paedophile Dennis Ferguson working as a fundraiser for them. That's as bad an idea as having Tony McGuinness working as a phys ed teacher at an all girls high school.

• The bloke who flashed two women in Adelaide wearing a bright pink beanie and a netball skirt - apparently the offender is short, clean shaven with a slim build and a wrinkled face. James Allan is assisting police with their enquiries.

• Buckinghamshire Police - have fined a guy 60 quid for inattentive driving after he had a perve at a bird's arse.

• Essendon - for their new away strip, it looks like leftovers from Battlestar Galactica. I didn't think it was possible to make Brett Stanton look any more of a shirtlifter.

• Hawthorn - for playing Lance Franklin against GWS despite him coming off the week before with a tight hammy. The result - a hamstring injury that will sideline him for 2-3 weeks. Dumbfucks.

• Jamaican Construction Workers - whilst doing some work for a hotel by the beach full of tourists who had come to see endangered leatherback turtles they managed to drive over and crush thousands of the turtles eggs.

• Tamsyn Manou - despite not having run close to an Olympic A qualifying time, Tamsyn can't work out why they didn't pick her to go to the Olympics. She is blonde.

• The Olympic Committee - have used their discretionary powers to allow female athletes from Brunei, Saudi Arabia and Qatar to compete despite them being slower than Warren Tredrea reading the news. Hey Tamsyn, I think we've found a loophole for you.

• Olympic Dam protesters - exactly what the fuck are you protesting by having a big hairy cunt dressed up in a frock? Go and get a fucken job.

• Justin Beiber - for crimes against humanity, the cunt has to go.

• Stacy Wilson Betts - is suing Beiber for $9.2 million for hearing loss she attributed to the screaming of fans at one of his concerts. You get fucken nothing, if you were stupid enough to pay money to go and watch than prancing little cunt you deserve anything that comes to you. I would've thought that hearing loss would be beneficial at one of his concerts.

• Jon Steffensen - has claimed his non selection in the 400m at the Olympics is racially motivated. No I think it might actually be talent motivated fucknut.

• Arsenal and Liverpool Football Clubs - for their latest away strips, it looks like someone spewed up a Freo guernsey.

Week 20 Winner

It's a Port Adelaide crapstravaganza this week for the awarding of the winners of The Chad Medal and The Eugene. The winner of The Eugene is serial offender Michelangelo Rucci. Just fuck off, this is supposed to be a bloke who is a Port supporter yet seems to love nothing more than sticking the boots in. Personally I love seeing Port cop shit but for this prick to parade himself as a Port man then get the cutlery set out when things go bad proves the true nature of the cunt. Mind you, that's Port to  tee. If this wanker is the chief football writer in this state is it any wonder the eastern states laugh their guts out at SA?
The winner of The Chad Medal is seagull extraordinaire Danyle Pearce. Loves puffing out his chest and acting like a tough guy but is in fact weaker than an Indian Commonwealth Games bridge. Like most seagulls he prospers when running along the boundary line with noone within 50m of him, but when any pressure is applied he crumbles like a fucken Arnott's biscuit. Loves a yap too this cunt, always seen mouthing off at opponents, pity you can't take it back you piss weak squib, as evidenced by his reaction to Will Minson telling him he'd rooted Danyle's mum for half an hour the night before. Did Danyle take it like a man and just accept that this sort of banter is part and parcel of the game? Fuck no he ran off to tell on him like a sooky year 3 kid. You know what you should've replied with - I was wondering why you weren't home last night when your mum was spinning on my cock like a chook on a rotisserie. If that sort of remark affects you that easily you must be thinner skinned than a fucken 90yr old haemophiliac, fucken grow up you pathetic child. He didn't comment on your race, colour or sexuality ( which, coming from Sturt you leave yourself wide open to remarks ), what happens on the field stays on the field. All you have done with your actions is make yourself look even softer than you did before, and that's a fucken stretch. You've won The Chad Medal, why don't you take it home to show mum, might want to knock before entering though, you never know who might be visiting.

Week 20 Nominations

• The Australian Olympic Committee - are obviously on their rags after their display in sanctioning swimmers Tim DÁrcy and Sophie Monk after they had the gall to pose with some guns in a gun shop in the US. AOC chef de mission Nick Green said the duo's conduct "brought themselves into disrepute", "I now have concerns regarding your lack of judgement", and "Australian Olympians are required to meet very high standards of conduct and we cannot risk the reputation of the team through non- compliance with the team membership agreement". They posed with guns in legally run gun shop, that's all you wankers. They did nothing which would tarnish the Olympic team's 'reputation', unlike yourself you fucken peanut. Aren't you the cunt who made a fucken dickhead out of himself dancing on tv advertising Goulburn Valley peaches? Who out of you and them really made Olympians look like bumbling fuckwits? Over sanitised bullshit is all that decision is, it's funny how you won't let them pose for a photo but turn a blind eye to Olympians all dropping their pants quicker than George Michael in a toilet block and going off like a frog in a fucken sock in the Olympic Village.

• Tony Pilkington - was awarded an OAM for his services to ???????? Pilko commented on his long association with former Woodville dud Barry Ion after receiving the award that "when you look back on it, all we were doing was just amusing ourselves. We were surprised so many other people enjoyed it ". You're not the only one's surprised cunt.

• Luke Jarrad - was a notable absentee from the recent Queen's Birthday Honours List printed in the Shitvertiser but I am reliably informed he was in fact awarded a Conspicuous Service Medal for his life's dedication to being conspicuously absent whenever the opportunity arose to enter into a hard ball contest.

• Michelangelo Rucci - has kept up his reputation for being a slimy weasel after his recent tirade against Port Power after their loss to the mighty Hawks on the weekend. He must have been pissed off that they won a couple, but he was waiting like a fucken vulture for them to lose again so he could tee off. It seems he gets satisfaction from them fucking up just so he can continue to peddle his drivel.And this cunt is supposed to be a port supporter! With 'friends'like that, who needs fucken enemies? And it gets even better, after his mid-season report on the AFL teams, he gave Matthew Primus a tick for the year so far. You fucken what, it was only very recently that Rucci was writing the epitaph on Primus's tenure as Port coach, basically saying he was fucking useless, and now he's doing a good job? So now the coach is doing his job, but the team is "going down the u-bend"(as you put it) are they you fucken weasel. You are a fucken disgrace, how about covering the football, not just using the paper as an outlet for your constant self-indulgent streams of shit editorials. Or even better, just fuck off.

• Port Power - did their number one fan Rucci proud with a laughable display against Hawthorn on the weekend. They tried puffing out their chests and acting like hardnuts but were weaker than American beer.

• Danyle Pearce - just because you shoot your mouth off and bump into someone a couple of times doesn't make you tough you fucken squib. Try getting the ball, something you did fuck all of on the weekend. The Lee Ryswyk of the AFL.

• Luke Ivens - quote the Shitvertiser "will be available to face the Eagles at Woodville on Sunday despite being a spectator for the 2nd half because of a hamstring complaint". How could they tell he was injured, he's been a spectator since 2001.

• Angus Monfries - complained of a laser being pointed at him at the footy on the weekend. It wasn't a laser, it was a sniper rifle guide. Stop running away and stay still for fucksake you seagull.

• The scumbag who chucked a cat off an overpass and onto the windscreen of a car - there are some dead-set sick fucks in the world.

• The London Olympics opening ceremony - aren't they pulling out all the stops to make this a ripper. All things that supposedly symbolise merry old England such as ducks on a pond, fake clouds that rain, maypoles, a horse and plough and a variety of farm animals. How about having some snippets of current London  ( all of which I encountered when I went there a few years ago )- surly West Indian cafe workers, shonky dope smoking Pakistani taxi drivers, unemployed skinhead deadshits, fucken rude Indian take away staff, snooty old cunt cricket followers and overpriced piss.

• David Nankervis - he really missed his true calling in life, a fucken comedian, as his article about how to stop Hawthorn and in  particular Lance Franklin in the recent Sunday Mail had me in stitches. Such ripping ideas as "fill the team's water bottles with Adelaide tap water, laugh as they writhe in agony" had me falling off my seat with uproarious fits of mirth.

• Peter Threfall - the pommie copper who who wanted to come and live in Australia with his family, who was originally refused entry because of his autistic step-daughter. Rightly the decision has been overturned but he's going to work in Ceduna for fucksake. Do ya research mate.

• Catherine Hockley - wrote an article in the Shitvertiser about how to get a good night's sleep - drug free. That's all well and good but you obviously wrote the article for childless people as there's no such fucken thing as a good night's sleep when you've got kids without something helping you, be it pills,booze or putting a pillow over your head.

• Burger King - To halt the recent slide in sales Burger King are introducing such artery clogging culinary delights as bacon sundaes. Fucken Americans, as if they're not fat enough.Chrissie Swan has applied for permanent residency.

• Dora the Explorer - if you are the parent of a young kid you will understand where I'm coming from. If you don't, trust me, consider yourself lucky. So Dora and her talking fucking monkey try to get from A to B, but it aint that easy. How do we get there, lets ask the talking fucking map. The map says we have to go through the forest, over the bridge, past the mountain range. Get yourself a new fucken map cause that one is rooted. If you've ever seen the show you'd notice that to the left or right of all these obstructions is grass, normal everyday grass,all the way to the destination. So fuck the map, walk around, and you don't run into snakes, rivers, trolls, rolling boulders, and thieving fucking foxes ( if it was dinkum the fox wouldn't pinch her gear, he eat the fucken monkey ). I'd like to see a show where they go "map,how do we get to grandma's house?" And the map responds with "Are you fucken blind or just thick. Walk straight up the fucken hill you stupid, blind little drug running, burrito munching, swine flu carrying, tequila swilling fuckwit".

• AFL Hall of Fame selectors - for picking Graham Skeletor Cornes. Get fucked, he's a deadset cunt. Whatever he may have achieved in football has been well and truly overridden by the fact that he's a deadset cunt. Apparently it wasn't only his football that got him a gig but also his charity work with retards ( the South Adelaide Football Club, Stephen Rowe, Ken Cunningham, and the spittle twins Kane and The Chad ) and a long standing association with the gay community ( the Adelaide and Glenelg Football Clubs, and the spittle twins Kane and Chad ).