Week 13 will go down as landmark in the illustrious history of the Chad Medal. The quality of the nominees was truly outstanding. While we get many nominations each week, usually there are two or three stand-outs, real a-grade fuckwits, that, to quote a regular nominee, are “very speeeeecial”. But this week, it was very difficult to narrow the field of fuckwits down to just three, and even harder to pick a winner.
The week started off in fine fuckwit fashion on Friday night (aka fuckwit Friday) with Matt Stevic (aka white maggot extraordinaire) doing what all maggot’s do and completely fucking up what was an outstanding game of finals football when he awarded James Gwilt a free kick in the dying moments of the game for getting mud in his afro. Apparently, Gwilt is being sued by the remaining members of the Jackson 5 who want Gwilt to return Michael’s afro that went missing in the early 80s. The game was also notable for the moment when Bruce McAvaney got so excited over St Nick that he almost took Dennis Cometti’s eye out.
And then there were the 3 blind mice – Katter, Windsor and Oakeshott. After stringing out their decision on who to support for over two weeks, they finally made a decision. Katter jumped off the good ship S.S. Fuckwit and supported Abbott. Windsor supported Gillard based on Labor’s broadband policy – come on, Windsor, the Liberals have a great track record in broadband - waist bands don’t come much broader than Amanda Vanstone’s! As for Oakeshott, we are still waiting for his press conference to conclude. You fuckwit. He’ll fit nicely into Gillard’s cabinet. However, there could be quite a few bi-elections after the first cabinet meeting – once Oakeshott and Kevvy Rudd open their gobs, the rest of cabinet will start dropping like flies, dead from sheer boredom.
There were also some exceptional sporting performances such as Sam Stosur choking in a game of solitaire (she could not handle the pressure from her opponent) and the brilliant "ball" work from Dennis Armfield, Brett Ratten, and Brendan Fevola. And then there was the furore over the disappearance of Harry the Chihuahua from the Royal Adelaide Show. I don’t know what all the fuss is about, don’t people realise that Chihuahua is Mexican for “shoot on sight”?
However, despite all these brilliant performances, the winner of this week’s Chad is Michael Voss. Vossy has proven true the old adage that a champion player does not necessarily make a great coach. His list management this season was sensational. Firstly, he picks up serial fuckwit Fevola and trades good mate and Premiership player Daniel Bradshaw to Sydney. While Bradshaw has had injury concerns this year, he’ll line-up for the Swans this weekend in the knock-out final against the Dogs. Fev, on the other, when he’s not on the phone to his Pakistani bookies, has had groin problems all year. Apparently, his groin is what caused the latest incident – he was just showing the woman his injured groin and trying to get some advice on how to fix it, “Luv, I’m having trouble with me groin, here, have a look, would ya mind giving it a rub?”. All completely innocent. Carlton are still giggling – an AFL recruiting manager has not laughed so hard since the Dockers traded Andrew McLeod to the Crows in exchange for Chris Groom. In another brilliant move, Vossy also picked up Xavier Clarke in an effort to bolster the Lions’ stocks of fucking soft players who are always injured. Vossy also fucked-up big time with Michael Rischitelli – against Rischitelli’s wishes, Vossy tried to trade him at the end of last year. Rischitelli was so pissed off that he won the Lions’ best and fairest award and has now trotted off to the Gold Coast Suns and in return the Lions get a pick in the national netball draft in 2015. How is that karma bus travelling, Vossy? So with all this brilliant trading, Vossy took the Lions from 6th position to almost bottom. With such a crap season, it is understandable that a thorough independent review should be undertaken of the club. So who is going to conduct the review? Someone like Parko, perhaps? Ah, no, it is Vossy himself! Good one! I can see Vossy’s report now, “The coach did an outstanding job. We were just unlucky. Had race 5, no 7 (Fatty Grimshaw) won at Randwick in early March, then Fev would have been sweet all year.” So congratulations, Vossy, in winning this week’s Chad medal – good luck in your negotiations in trading Jonathon Brown for Travis Tuck.
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