Week 18 nominations

• Geelong - for hiring Matty Knights.  You fuckwits - everything that Matty touches turns to poo.  Get rid of him before it is too late.
• Tony Abbott - for being out-run by that mincing poodle, Christopher Pyne.
• Luke Jarrad - despite a wet day and a very muddy oval, left the field spot-less after the State game.  He played so fucking wide that he took a mark in the front bar of the Holdfast Hotel.
• Jenny Williams - for being mistaken as a yeti when presenting the Fos Williams Medal after the State game.
• Chris Bowen - for sucking Gina Rinehart's cock. 
• Adelaide City Council - for increasing parking fees in their U-cunt-Parks on Sundays from $5 to $30.  What a great fucking idea - let's turn Adelaide into a fucking ghost town.
• Michaelangelo Rucci - this fuck knuckle is always looking for an excuse for why Port Adelaide are tripe and why noone wants to turn up and watch them.  This time it is they need a reserves team.  You idiot.  You made a big song and dance about Steven Salopek not getting a game in Glenelg's League team.  Well, dickhead, that is because he was making Kane Tenace and Jordan "Sharelle" McMahon look hard. 
• The Crows - for being beaten by a half-strength Collingwood team.  Premiership side, my arse.
• The Crows - for re-signing Richard Douglas.
• Suicide bombers - for letting a golden opportunity go on Saturday night at Footy Park with 45,000 Crows and Collingwood supporters packed in the stadium (including that donk Joffa).
• 5AA - half the air-time is totally banal bullshit.  The half involves blowing Sir Patty Dangerfield.
• Stephen Rowe - isn't it time that he was sent back to James Nash House?
• Ross Lyon - why did anyone think he would do any good at Fremantle.  He led Saint Kilda to 3 grand final losses with a star-studded line-up.  He's an over-rated, balding cunt who should be Minister for Silly Walks.
• Pippa Savage - does anyone remember Lay-down Sally Robbins?
• Canberra United - for sacking Ellyse Perry.  You dumb bitches!  She's as hot as a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire.  Maybe that provides the reason - she wouldn't put out for those sticker lickers. 
• Lara Bingle - get a real job ya slut and stay off our TV screens. 
• Brad Scott - for saying that Lindsay Thomas is not playing for North Melbourne this week for "internal" reasons.  It's called "he can't kick for shit", ya punnethead.  And how is David Hille's groin inflammation  going, Brad?
• Hendra virus - it's back.  Tracey Grimshaw, I think you should be quarantined.
• Camilla Parker-Bowles - see Hendra Virus.
• Princess Anne - see Camilla Parker-Bowles.
• Grant Hackett - he should change his name to Can't Hackett.  Talk about a dummy spit. 
• Kieren Perkins - has split with his wife.  Kieren, I think Grant Hackett has a spare room, but it's a bit messy.  
• Keane - the musical equivalent of the Sturt Football Club.
• Neil Craig - the tight-lipped, squeaky-voiced cunt is doing a sterling job at Melbourne.  Good call in selecting James Sellar!  Hahahaha.
• Stephen Trigg - do you still think Craigy was a genius?  You fucking tosser.
• Mark Neeld - talk about a hypocritical cunt.  He was a pillow as a player but is demanding his players at Melbourne be hard at the ball.  A classic case of do as I say, not as I do.  And what is what that twitch?  You look like a fucking psycho.
• Jack Snelling - you are making Roley Poley Foley look competent.  Nah, I take that back.  Ya both cunts.
• Jack Snelling - this state is going so bad that he has to resort to raising cash through sneaky means like pinching people who were unaware that they are driving unregistered.
• The Girl Guides - obviously failed at getting their stock-keeping badge.
• Schapelle Corby - no doubt getting ready to appear on Dancing With The Stars when she gets released.
• Stephen Milne - has finally been cleared of rape charges after 8 years.  The victim, Nick Reiwoldt is appealing the decision.
• Thinkers In Residence - the Government is finally axing this complete waste of tax-payers' money.  Unfortunately, the Wankers In Residence, ie the Labor Government, will remain.
• Chris Sebastian - Guy's even less talented brother has vowed to remain a virgin until marriage.  Girls across Adelaide have breathed a collectively sigh of relief.
• Mitt Romney - if he become president then the US may as well just shut up shop.
• Zac Milbank - has taken leaps at bounds at the Shitvertiser, the cunt is now "Super Coach Editor".
• Tom Dougherty - the poor cunt is off to a rough start at the Shitvertiser - his editors have made him cover women's soft-ball.  The poor cunt even missed out on covering the Lingerie Football League.
• Serena Williams - knocked out of the French Open and had a massive sooky sooky la la.
• Meow the cat - at 18 kilograms he is not only the world's fattest cat but also has the world's dumbest name for a cat.
• Jerald Reiter - when the farmer from Dubuque, Iowa was pulled over in the carpark of his local pub on suspicion of drunk driving, police found a zebra and a macaw in the front seat of the car. 
• Federal Government - trumpted "due process" and "innocent until proven guilty" over the Craig Thomson affair but are silent when it comes to Julian Assange who's crime is to make the powers that be look stupid.
• Tina Reichelt, Garry Reichelt, and Kathleen Modystack - have pleaded guilty to one count each of bestiality, or more accurately, rooting a dog.  Tim Matheson should face similar charges.
• Umar Patek - the Bali bomber insists the attacks that killed 202 people were "against my conscience" and has begged for a light sentence.  Get fucked.    
• Luke Jarrad - had a kid. That ain't right, don't let that DNA spread for fucksake. It's gotta be a surrogate surely for Jarrad and his 'life partner' Lee Ryswyk. I know they say he's got a missus, but so did Peter Allan.
• Jake Melksham - has taken over from Brent Stanton as the arsonist of the Bombers.
• The house where Amy Winehouse lived and died is being sold by her dad Mitch for $4.2 million.  It comes with added extras - like a shitload of cocaine and heroin.
• The dickhead in the Shitvertiser who when asked what his favourite song is answered, "American Pie".  No way, get fucked, fuck off.  If I ever hear that fucking song again I will do a Chopper Read and rip my own ears off.  Ditto, Hotel California and Piano Man.
• Dave Gilmour - the Pink Floyd guitarist had to evacuate his home when a bomb was discovered in the basement.  It was a false alarm as it turns out it was just the collection of records that Pink Floyd have released since their last decent album, The Wall, in 1980. A similar incident occurred at the home of Mick Jagger.
• The current state of the Australian music industry - if anyone can let me know when the last decent Australian rock n roll song was released, I'm all ears (subject to not hearing American Pie, Hotel California or Piano Man).
• Prince Charles - for releasing a range of souvenirs to celebrate his sour mum's diamond jubilee, including a stuffed corgi (which Prince Edward gladly stuffed from behind).
• Fairfax - for sending editing jobs at it's regional newspapers to NZ.  I'm sure people in Dubbo will love reading about Jeremy Coney and Ewan Chatfield.
• AFL football writers - what a bunch of deadshits.  Three weeks ago they were talking the Swans up as Premiership contenders.  A week ago it was the Crows.  Now it is Richmond.  Fair dinkum, Richmond?!?  Hasn't the last 30 years of ineptitude taught you clowns anything?  Craig Hutchison has to be to biggest dickhead of the lot of them, just ahead of Rucci and Robinson. 
• Julia Gillard - "mining wealth belongs to Australia".  Ah, so Julia, are you happy to fund the billions and billions of dollars that are required to invest in mining operations?  Are you willing to take the risk of failure?  And what the fuck are mining royalties and company taxes paid for?  Get fucked.  Let's make a deal - I'm happy for there to be a mining tax and carbon tax so long as you stop spending my fucking taxes on giving hand-outs to families of 12 lazy fuckarses that live on Maccas and Winnie Blues and cans of Jim Beam and coke and who don't want to fucking work but continue to breed lazy fucks like themselves and to stop paying the legal fees of a cunt like Craig Thomson and to stop giving yourself a fucking pay-rise and to ensure that your super-annuation follows the same market vagaries as mine,  etc fucking etc.  If not, then shut the fuck up.
• The Advertiser - christ is Patrick Dangerfield the new Chad? He signs a fucking contract with the camry cows and they have articles with his mum, how many times he took a shit as a kid, and how Mark Riccuito got a Graham Johncock out of it.
• Rachael Leahcar - the blind chick on The Voice, for fucksake will some cunt stick a chair in front of her next time she walks out onto stage.
• Grant Hackett - renovation rescue, here we come.
• Olivia Underwood - when asked in the Crapvertiser's streettalk " who is the greatest crows player" responded with Chris Knights. Granted he epitomises everything the club stands for - a piss weak front running pole smoker, but surely he can't have surpassed the great Clayton Lamb?
• The Advertiser - when publishing the best players from the recent SA v WA 'state'game put in all the bays players from their last game instead of the blokes who actually played. What a quality publication.
• Italian Football - 10 current or former players and the current manager of Juventus have been accused of match fixing. Surely not.
• Josh Gibson - Hawthorn defender who claimed that the hawks loss to Richmond boiled down to the hawks being the hunted not the hunter. Fuck off, the hawks lost because Richmond had a fair dinkum crack and Hawthorn were a pack of lazy cunts who ran up the white flag when it got too hard. Pure and simple cunt. The Chad Editor is a hawks supporter and I haven't seen a greater capitulation since the french in WW2. Pull ya fucken heads out.
• Schapelle Corby - rot in jail in Bali you bitch, we don't want you back.
• The SA state footy squad -  what a fucking abortion, Ryswyk and Jarrad on the wings, that alone was enough to keep me away, I will not support any team that has either of those two pillow biting fucking seagulls in their side.
• Matthew Westhoff - in the last game against North the dogs had 58 forward entries and the vertical plank had 2 kicks and 1 handball. He had as much impact as Vern Troyer fucking Serena Williams
• The bloke who was only the third person to go over  Niagara Falls without safety equipment and survive - he was trying to top himself. This cunt would have to be a bays supporter.
• Pippa Savage - shitcanned from the womens quad scull crrew just before the World Cup in Switzerland. Apparently Pippa is as mad as a fucken cut snake, but I did enjoy her press conference where she said she couldn't say fuck all and walked off. Attention seeker much? Funny, Jana Pitman canned running for rowing, she should fit right in.
• The Olympics - synchronised swimming, wrestling, wank wank. Get fucken darts in there, I want to see Simon ' The Wizard ' Whitlock playing for gold.
• Adelaide City Council - were going to charge people $15 to park in the Victoria Pk grounds for The Pedal Prix event, but after a backlash decided to only charge $7.50. You big hearted humanitarians you, salt of the earth you are Stephen Yarwood. What a pack of stingy, money-grabbing cunts. You ask people to pay for something that was, and should remain free, then think you're a fucken people's crusader for justice by halving the price. You're still ripping them off, you're just ripping them off half as much. The glass is only half full that way, but it's a fucken yard glass you pricks are drinking out of. Hey Stephen, this revenue raiser wouldn't be a way of raising funds to pay for some of the promises you made when elected Lord Mayor that you haven't delivered on would they? Fucken look out next time you go into town, there will be entrance fees on the Botanical Gardens, tolls on King William St, and a three drink minimum to stay more than an hour in Rundle Mall.

Week 17 Winner

The winner of The Chad Medal this week came down to a field of two, the low scum who chucked a bag of live puppies in a garbage bin and The Wiggles. The piece of shit that went to the trouble of putting the puppies in a garbage bag, sealing it, then wrapping a blanket round the bag before chucking it in a bin wins the Eugene this week as that is a dirty fucken cunt act performed by someone who deserves to have their nards ( or lady nards ) lopped off with a rusty blade. What the fuck is wrong with some people, you can just dump the dogs off at the RSPCA and at least they stand a chance, or at worse get put down humanely. Only one dog survived, the others died in that bag, and that's better than you deserve you fucken scumbag cunt.
So that leaves us with The Wiggles as the winner of The Chad Medal for this week. If you are a parent you will be sick of seeing and hearing these arseholes 'singing' and dancing round like a middle aged creep trying to crack it for a root at grab a grannie night at The Arkaba. If you don't have kids and know as much about them you are fucked in the head. They started life as 80's band The Cockroaches, and they should've kept the name, it fucken suits em. They have made millions pandering to young kids and making parents lives miserable. If you've ever found yourself humming to Everybody Hop, Hot Potato or any of their other fucken songs, had to dance with your kid as they sing I'm Dorothy the fucken Dinosaur, or be forced to watch a fucken pasta cook off with the shittiest acting seen since Matthew Newton in Underbelly you know the pain that these cunts have inflicted on the world. And just when you think that's the end of them and hope and pray that they'll fuck off for good, they come out with a new album, cd or tour and it starts all over again, thereby fleecing your pockets and causing migraines and bleeding ears. FUUUUUUUUUCK.
Hopes were raised that retirement was imminent with the news that the yellow Wiggle ( or as he shall be known The Yellow Cuntle ) Greg got crook and had to hang up the boots. But ahh fuck they replaced him with Sam, not a bad idea in hindsight as they now had at least one member that was born before the Boer War and didn't piss his pants. So this Sam nugget kept helping The Cuntles peddle their wares to the kids, and bankrupting parents. Until one fine day Greg said " fuck me I'm a bit short of coin, how about shitcanning this young bloke and getting me back. I still can't stand and need a fucken guide dog to find the stage, but she's fucken apples lads ". And they did it, they took Sam in to a meeting one day and gave him the fucken pink slip with no warning. What a fucken dog cunt act. What then makes this worse is that about 18 months later three of the pricks, including the newly returned Greg, say it's time to pull up stumps, but not before we have a 12 month goodbye tour. Who are ya, John Farnham? As my contemporary Laurie Holden would say "if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck .....", this was a fucken stitch up, they knew when they shitcanned Sam that this was on the cards, it's as shifty as a Craig Thomson credit card bill.
So do you think we now get a break from them - FUCK NO,for they have chosen replacements to take over after they drive off in their big red car full of my fucken money. A gimp who looks like he should be in Sturt guernsey, a prick who looks like he should be advertising gotta getta gutters, and a big nosed ranga sheila. What the fuck? What colours are these wankers going to be, the Sturt poof would have to be the turquoise Cuntle, the gotta getta gutter gonad would be the shit brown Cuntle, and the ranga chick would have to be the new red Cuntle ( well, at least once a month anyway ). The only original cast member staying is the blue Cuntle Anthony. Cheesy grinned motherfucker he is, not surprising then that not long ago their choreographer was alleged to have been getting her hot potato mixed up with his mashed banana. So Murray, the red Cuntle is gone, back to working with his peers at Phoenix, Greg the yellow Cuntle is gone , until he pops up on A Current Affair again bemoaning how he's fucken broke, and ends up knifing the gotta getta gutter Cuntle to get his job back again, Jeff the purple Cuntle ( and while I'm at it you don't think that falling asleep business was part of his act, he is an old crone, he was genuinely asleep, the Abraham Simpson Cuntle )is gone, off to hold the ladder for Molly Meldrum. 
Goodbye to the Cuntles
A pity it's not all of you
You're back stabbing arseholes
And that you can't deny
Hooroo, fuck off, bye.

Week 17 nominations

• Adam O'Grady - when asked by the Advertiser what his favourite lamb dish is, he replied, "I don't like lamb at all."  You cockhead, what true blue Aussie doesn't like lamb?
• Port Power - after losing 6 straight and being smashed in contested possessions, they bring in serial hard-ball avoider, Danyle Pearce.
• Greece - for fucksake you lazy cunts, pull ya greasy heads in, pay ya bills and let us all move on.
• Jay Weatherill - the smarmy little cunt has taken off where Media Mike left off and has his snout firmly in the trough in London. 
• Phil Aspinall - SANFL commentator named his state team on 5RPH on Thursday night and named only two Norwood players - Zorzi and Batsanis both on the bench - despite Norwood being undefeated.  And what about his centre-line - Jarrad Allan Rsywyck - the Sydney Swifts centre-line would be licking their lips at the prospect of coming up against those three fuckarse.
• Michael Clarke - for having a secret wedding.  Yeah, it was so fucking secret that the wedding pictures were on the front page of every paper in Australia.  Dickhead.
• Kyly Clarke - for fucksake, learn to spell ya name, Kyly ya kunt.
• Julia Gillard - the lying cow has assured Aussie Rules fans that there will be no Federal election on AFL Grand Final Day in 2013.  She also assured her fellow Western Bulldogs fans that there will be no appearance by them on Grand Final Day also.
• Mark Griffin - did you ever work for the Health Services Union?
• Craig Thomson - did you lend your credit card to Mark Griffin?
• John Travolta - did Craig Thomson lend you his credit card?
• Mary Kennedy - carrying on the long line of dead Kennedys. 
• Liverpool - oh my god, they killed Kenny!
• Bill Shorten - the odds have shortened that he'll knife Julia.
• Miranda Kerr - broke down in tears after being named Australia's most stylish woman.  The runner-up - Luke Jarrad - also broke down in tears when she broke a finger nail.
• Whitney Houston's family - for getting their own reality tv show.  For fucksake, what is it going to be called, Crack Whores?
• Marc Murphy - Carlton's front-running little ponce.  When the going gets tough, Murphy goes missing. 
• Glen Boss - the cunt is going so bad that he has picked up a ride on Australia's worst racehorse, Vote For Lust.  This fuckwit of a horse has had 86 starts without a win. 
• Travis Cloke - for putting a $1 million price tag on his head.  That works out at $1 million per brain cell.  I suppose the punnet head wants to be paid in $5 notes?
• Wag Nation - easily the worst reality show ever aired on tv.  The slags and sluts of various footballers and rugby meatheads being slags and sluts on tv.  Rivetting.  Can't wait for Being Lara Bingle - how many blow-jobs can Lara give in a half an hour?
• The Wiggles - they are going to hire a female to be the yellow Wiggle.  Luke Jarrad is the front-runner.
• Jeff the Purple Wiggle - thank fuck the cunt has been put to sleep forever. 
• Murray the Red Wiggle - the poor cunt has been forced to retire after a sex tape featuring him, Dorothy the Dinosaur and Wags the Dog surfaced.
• Floyd Mayweather - for having Justin Bieber in his corner.  Baby, baby, baby - fucking bang!!
• Anthony Mundine - really stepping up big-time in the US.  His first fight in the US is against a 41 year-old journeyman, Bronco McKart.  For fucksake, the cunt sounds like he had a support part in Debbie Does Dallas.  Who will Mundine take on next - Joe Frazier?
• Hollywood's newly opened Pooch Hotel - the first guests included Lara Bingle and the stars of Wag Nation.
• Swimmers have killed about 500 fish in a northern Germany lake, with their urine causing algae that poisons marine life. That is piss funny. 
• Joseph W. Pointer - the 51 year-old from Florida arrested for stealing woman's ashes and threatening to snort them.  Well, give him a break, they were Whitney Houston's ashes, afterall.
• Thiago Klimeck - the 27 year-old Brazilian actor who accidentally almost hanged himself while playing the part of Judas in a Passion play.  Thank fuck he didn't have the role of Jesus, he might have ended up crucifying himself.
• The 51 year-old English clergyman who "fell on a potato" while hanging curtains in the nude.  Apparently, he is fond of chip buttys.