I think we have all had a fair dinkum gutful of the farce that is the federal election. The general public are starting to realise what a royal fuck-up they have created by putting the nation’s future in the hands of "Moe" Katter, "Curly" Windsor and "Larry" Oakeshott. What are these stooges waiting for - the brand new Labor and Liberal Policy Showbags to be released at the Royal Adelaide Show? The Labor showbag is great value, containing a bloodied knife, a Mark Latham voodoo doll, a plug for leaks, a faceless mask and a free ticket to the citizen’s assembly. The Liberal showbag should also prove to be popular with punters, containing a pair of soiled speedos, some giant plastic joke ears, a signed Wilson Tuckey iron bar, and a replica budget blackhole. Fun for all the family. The Greens showbag is a little different, it contains only natural products – kids will have hours of fun when they unwrap a real turd sourced from the ample arse of Sarah Hanson-Young. Unfortunately, Bob Brown can’t back out a solid anymore…
Speaking of turds, Essendon finally boned perennial Chad nominee, Matty Knights. Tough titties, Matty. Let’s face it, you are a hopeless dud. You make Bernie Quinlan look like Robert Shaw. And Robert Shaw look like Jeff Giescen. If it is any consolation, Matty, a recent poll has shown that you are rated the second worst coach in the history of the world – the accolade of the world’s worst ever coach goes to ex-Norwood coach Trevor “Benny” Hill. However, the big question is - what does Matty’s re-signing last year say about the Essendon board? The answer is – they are total fucking imbeciles – it was a decision that has cost them $1 million and a year of completely crap football. Obviously, they have not learned a damn thing, because they have just signed Mark “Timothy” McVeigh for another two years! Are they serious? That prick spends more time preening himself in front of a mirror than he does in going for a contested possession. In fact, he’s favoured to win the coveted NAB Rising Metro-Fucking-Sexual Star of the Year Award – the winner gets a free perm and manicure. Other nominations include the Adelaide Crows. Sturt were also nominated but their nomination was quickly withdrawn when the person nominating them mis-took “metro” for “homo”. And Essendon supporters, what about ya favourite son, James Hird? The twat is too bloody weak to take on the top job! What is the problem, Jimmy, are you scared you are gonna get ya girly hair messed up? Or is it that you just can’t bear the thought of not sitting on Mike Sheahan’s lap on the couch anymore? Jimmy – just put up, or shut up.
Anyway, now to this week’s Chad nominations – the field of fuckwits has been narrowed down to three – the Reverend Fred Nile, Bert Newton and the Pakistan cricket team.
The Reverend Fred Nile. I thought that idiot was dead. Obviously, he’s been so quiet in recent years because he has been locked away in his office, feverishly downloading porn – 200,000 times to be precise! Fred, ya knob must be red raw by now – put it away and do what most dodgy religious nut jobs do – fly to Thailand and get arrested for kiddy fiddling.
Bert Newton. I can’t wait for the next instalment of Twenty to One, when Bert counts down the top twenty reasons why the entire Newton family are fuckwits.
Which takes us to this week’s unanimous winner of the Chad Medal – the Pakistan cricket team. It came as no surprise to anyone who follows cricket that Pakistan have been caught cheating once again. They’ve been doing it at least as far back as 1978-79 (see the separate post for an examination of the cheating history of Pakistan). Why doesn't the ICC do something about it??? Is it because they are on the take as well? It is time other cricket nations like Australia, England, New Zealand and South Africa grew some balls and told the ICC and Pakistan in no uncertain terms to "no way, get fucked, fuck off." So well done, Pakistan, on winning this week's Chad Medal. By the way, I tipped off a Pakistani bookie about their Chad medal win and cleaned up big time.
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