James Hird – for finally accepting the Essendon job after denying he wanted it for the past three months. Hirdy is on record as saying that some dramatic things would have to change in his life for him to accept the job – I guess having your balls finally drop can be quite dramatic.
Essendon – for replacing its entire playing list with a coaching panel that includes, apart from James Hird, Sir Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wegner, Vince Lombardi, Norm Smith, Jack Oatey, John Buchanan, Harry Hopman, Guus Hiddink, Phil Jackson, Jan Stirling, Lawrie Lawrence, and Pat Riley. How many fuckwits does it take to carry a whiteboard and move witches hats?
Dale Lewis – for wanting to dry root James Hird’s leg.
Collingwood and St Kilda – for not wanting to step-up and end their respective premiership droughts. Fuckwits.
Nick Maxwell – for squealing like a stuck pig that he has to play in another Grand Final this weekend. Apparently he is pissed off that he has had to cancel a manicure and facial appointment that he had planned so time ago.
Travis Cloke – for taking advice on handling pressure shots from Greg Norman.
Leon Davis – for being a big game player. There is only one place for you to go after a choke like that again, Neon – Glenelg.
Dale Thomas – for not wanting to win the game for Collingwood. When he took a mark 30 metres out from goal in the third quarter, instead of going back and kicking the goal, he passed the ball to his vastly inexperienced teammate in Blair, who went on to miss the goal. Daisy, if you spent has much time in front of the goals at practice as you do in front of a mirror preening your fucking ridiculous hair, then you would have kicked that goal.
Harry O’Brien – for choking in the second half of the grand final. Harry, not one Collingwood supporter gives a rat’s arse if you save the endangered bald-headed Bolivian badger – they just want you to do what you are paid to do and that is to stop your fucking opponent and put your balls on the line and not drop easy marks that cost your team goals.
The Grand Final Sherrin – for choosing the dying moments of the game to re-enact Shane Warne’s ball of the century.
James Heselden (owner of the company that makes the Segway two-wheeled scooters) – for driving himself and his two-wheeled scooter over a 30 foot cliff in England. Both were pronounced dead at the scene.
Gary Ablett and other Gold Coast recruits – come on you dickheads, we all know you went for the cash, so don’t be fuckwits and just admit it.
Campbell Brown – for his outstanding audition on The Footy Show Player’s Revue to be Gold Coast’s new head cheerleader. If he doesn’t get that gig, then there is a spot at the head of the Mardi Gras for ya.
Richard Champion – for being Richard Champion and for also believing that people would appreciate him being pissed as a newt and trying to sing “You’re The Voice” at an AFL Grand Final post-match function.
Brent Staker – for being a tossbag during the Footy Show’s Player Revue and for being a tossbag at the AFL Grand Final post-match function. Where is Barry Hall when you need him?
Commonwealth Games – for being less relevant than a primary school sport’s day. You know it is a complete and utter joke when Brian Taylor is favoured to win the 100 metre sprint gold medal.
Pakistan - for rejecting as unsatisfactory residential facilities at the Commonwealth Games village in New Delhi, warning organisers to make improvements or provide alternative accommodation. Obviously, the slums are of a higher standard in Pakistan.
Commonwealth Games organising chief Suresh Kalmadi – for saying that he Commonwealth's western countries have conspired to unleash the scathing criticism which has marred the build-up to the games. You fuckwit, don’t blame us for your cock-ups – you couldn’t put two lego blocks together.
Rob Oakeshott – for being Rob Oakeshott. In other words, a complete fuckwit. You are now making Bob Katter look sane.
Justin Westhoff – for procreating. Obviously rooting ya relatives is encouraged at Port Adelaide. The Williams family set the precedent.
Media Mike Rann – for abandoning Labor ‘s heartland in the western suburbs. He mouthed-off about how he would "bulldoze" bikie fortresses but instead, he is knocking down a community centre across the road from one. You fuckwit.
The Cloke Family – for declaring that Travis won't choke in the grand final replay. "Oh please ... he hasn't choked yet," Cameron Cloke said. He then went on to say that the world is flat and that the Pope is NOT Catholic.
The Legal Practioners Conduct Board - for not releasing its findings into a mis-conduct charge against hit-run lawyer/coward/fuckwit Eugene McGee. No wonder the general public places lawyers alongside terrorists.
Virgin Blue – for still using a Commodore 64 to run their check-in system.
Rachida Dati (France’s former justice minister) – for confusing oral sex with rising prices as she launched an attack on foreign investment funds. "When I see some of them (funds) looking for returns of 20 or 25 percent, at a time when fellatio is almost non-existent...," she said during an interview on Europe 1 radio. It is understandable, Bill Clinton made the same mistake with Monica Lewinsky, he just thought she wanted to talk about inflation.
Harry the Chihuahua – for faking his own death. Apparently, he spent the last few weeks with Elvis and Jim Morrison.
The AFL – for hiring Lionel Richie as the pre-match entertainment in the Grand Final Replay. They would be better off with either Greg or Kate. Reports suggest that Andrew Demetripoo misinterpreted Mike Fitzpatrick’s suggestion of hiring Richie Benaud, “Hey, you fat dumb wog, why don’t we ask Richie?”
Mitchell Johnson – for spending more time modelling than bowling.
Crows members – for whinging about not having the exact same seat to sit in at the new Adelaide Oval. You fuckwits, does it really matter where you sit to watch the Crows get flogged?
SANFL team of the year – for including Kane Tenace, Luke Panozzo, Tristan Gum, Brant Chambers, Rourry Kirkby and Jade Sheedy. Obviously some of the selectors thought they were selecting the SANFL cheerleaders team of the year. In that case, there is one glaring omission, head pom-pom twirler, Luke Jarrad.
Tristan Gum – for being called Tristan. No footballer should be called Tristan. Tristan is someone who bats from the Paddington End. Perhaps then it is apt that he plays for Sturt.
Michaelangelo Rucci – for his suggestion that anyone who playes a game in a premiership year should get a medal. What is the fucking point? Premiership medals have been worthless ever since Aaron Keating picked up two in 1997.
Rowey and Fitzy – for obvious fucking reasons. Although, you have to respect Bedford Industries for getting the pair of them jobs on radio.
Rowey – for going crook at Derryn Hinch for spreading rumours about Eddie McGuire. You fuckwit, Rowey, ever heard of the saying “the pot calling the kettle black”. Didn’t Eddie sue you a few years back for spreading rumours about him?
Rucci – for continually inferring that the Bays were going to win the SANFL flag in his pig vomit Rucci’s Roast column in the Advertiser. Anyone with half brain (eg Rowey and Fitzy combined) knows that a Bay’s premiership is about as rare as humility in the Cornes household.
Chris McDermott – for whinging like a bound-up Graham Cornes about replaying Grand Finals. It’s called “tradition” fuckwit. You’re good at destroying traditions, aren’t you Bone, just like mateship, ask Fweddy McGuinness.
The AFL – for hiring two buskers from Rundle Mall to sing the national anthem. Better than wheeling Johnny Farnham out again, I guess.
The Block – for bringing television to a new low. Can’t wait for this week’s edition when they renovate that room full of asbestos.
The Crows – for contemplating recruiting Richard Tambling. Don’t you already have enough soft-cocks in your side?
Ijaz Butt “Plug” – for withdrawing his accusation of match-fixing he levelled against the Poms, claiming it was a “misunderstanding”. Yeah, righto, you fuckwit, you misunderstood that not everyone is as shonky and crooked as Pakistan.
Alberto Contador – for testing positive for steroids at the Tour de France and claiming it was from food contamination. Yeah, we believe you Alberto, that needle filled with steroids that you ordered for breakfast from the Café De Roids was contaminated. Fuckwit.
Farran Ray (St Kilda) – offloaded by the Dogs because he was soft and hopeless and played like a rabbit in the headlights, only to reward the Saints with 2 inept Grand Final appearances in a row. Soon to be 3. Oh, and he has a fuckwit of a name too. Farren sounds like an actress that would appear on the Bold and the Beautiful. Which is pretty much spot on in describing his football ability.
AFL/Demetripoo/Anderson – for calling that pre-game garbage “entertainment”. Even the MCG's sewerage system agreed, registering its displeasure by dumping shit in the changerooms after the game.
No comments:
Post a Comment