- he played for Glenelg (enough for him to receive Legend status in the Cornes Fuckwit Hall of Shame),
- he captained Glenelg,
- he coached Glenelg,
- he played about 4 games for North Melbourne before Ron Barassi realised what a total fuckwit he was and gave him the arse,
- he coached the Crows,
- he fathered Chad,
- he fathered Kane,
- he allowed Tony Symonds to play SANFL,
- he's married to Nicole,
- he works with Rowey,
- he doesn’t drink alcohol, and
- his first wife thought he was such a fuckwit that she left him for an 18 year-old Fweddy McGuiness. Good move, Pam. She went on to marry and divorce another Glenelg fuckwit, Fred Phillis. Pam, when are you gonna learn that being associated with Glenelg will only end in tears.
Yes, as you can see, Graham Studley Cornes is a complete and utter fuckwit and has passed this trait onto his kids, especially Chad.
There will be two Studleys awarded per year – one at the end of the footy season and one at the end of the cricket season.
The footy season threw up a plethora of worthy fuckwits. In 16 weeks, there were around 500 fuckwits nominated. Some fuckwits like Matty Knights, Julia Gillard, Stephen Rowe, Tony Dey and Jeff Giescen were nominated numerous times. Among the big surprises were that Matty Knights, Choco Williams and Rob Oakeshott all failed to jag a Chad. Tough titties, fuckwits, I’m sure you will be knocking on the door of Chad Manor again next season. Hopefully, the Crows will do us all a favour and hire Matty Knights to complement their other two great pre-season signings, Richard Tambling and Scott Camporeale. I suspect Tambling was brought in to make Chris Knights look hard and Camporeale was hired as part of the Bedford Industries work experience scheme, the same one that resulted in the hiring of David Noble.
To summarise, the 16 Chad Medallists were:
1. Andrew Demetriou – for destroying football.
2. French soccer team – for being French. And for being a bunch of overpaid prima donnas and playing like Glenelg at finals time during the World Cup when they were knocked out without winning a game.
3. Kylie Amundsen – the 20 something blonde who was dating Kevin “Roley Poley” Foley.
4. Paul Holloway - for hiring Nicole Cornes as a mining adviser when her only experience in mining is as a fucking gold digger.
5. Jeff Giescen – see Demetriou.
6. Tony Dey – see Giescen. Also, for being a filthy, dirty, cheating white maggot who makes Richard Williams look like less of a cunt than he actually is. He wins the Golden Shower Award, aka the Goldspink, for being the white maggot cunt of the year.
7. Bruce McAvaney – for his efforts in trying to impregnate Nick Riewoldt.’s leg.
8. Julia Gillard – for so many reasons. Eg for that annoying voice, that fucking ski ramp, that red hair, that fat arse, her citizen’s assembly, for being more boring than Kevvy Rudd, for being the lovechild of Wilma Flinstone and Pinnochio, and for being selected by Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee to be Prime Minister.
9. Tracey Grimshaw – oink oink.
10. Fweddy McGuiness – for outstanding lunch-cutting.
11. Mathew Newton – for having the X factor. Actually, make that the Ex Factor because he has bashed both of his exes.
12. Pakistan Cricket Team – for winning the coveted Hansie for outstanding services to the bookmaking industry.
13. Michael Voss - for his astute recruiting in 2010, which took his team from 6th position in 2009 to almost bottom in 2010 and then calling for an independent review of the Lions’ football department. which he then proceeded to conduct himself. FUCKWIT
14. Jenny Williams - for blaming the media for Choco’s long overdue sacking. And for her continued great impersonation of Sammy Hagar.
15. Glenelg - for taking choking to a whole new level.
16. James Hird (for taking bare-faced lying to a whole new level – a job in politics awaits you Jimmy when the Bombers coaching job gets all too hard) and Collingwood (ok, so they eventually won the Grand Final. It just means that St Kilda are even bigger fuckwits than Collingwood.)
So who wins the Studley? It was a tough decision, but after an extensive consultation process, the winner is – Mathew Newton. I don’t think anyone can argue with this decision. Number one, he bashed his girlfriend – and not for the first time. Fuckwit. Number two, he’s a crap actor, with his shockingly inept Kiwi accent in Underbelly. It made Brad Pitt’s Irish accent in Snatch and Meryl Streep’s Aussie accent in Evil Angels seem believable. Fuckwit. And number three, even Bert agrees, voting Mathew as the number one fucwit in counting down the 20 to 1 biggest fuckwits on the planet. Runner-up in that countdown was Ricky Ponting’s rug. So congratulations, Mathew, on winning the inaugural Studley Trophy. We’ve created a replica papier mâché version of the trophy for you, just in case you decide to chuck a hissy fit and try to bash your next girlfriend over the head with it.
