Pakistan - A History of Cheating

My intense disdain for Pakistani cricket can be traced back to their 1978-79 tour of Australia and three bloody disgraceful incidents in particular. The first occurred in the 1st Test in Melbourne in March 1979. Australia was batting in the first innings and Rodney Hogg was at the crease. Hogg tapped a ball to point where that shifty cunt Miandad was standing. The ball came to a halt a few yards before Miandad. Thinking it to be a dead ball, Hogg left his crease to do a little bit of gardening on the pitch. The prick Javed picked the ball up and stealthily walked up to the wicket and removed the bails. Hogg, after being given out by the umpire, trudged angrily off the field. Mushtaq Mohammad, the Pakistan captain, uncharacteristically withdrew the appeal and called back Hogg. Hogg returned to the crease but the umpire Clarence Harvey, officiating in his first Test, insisted on adhering to his 'out' decision. Hogg then kicked down the stumps in disgust. Miandad was giggling like a fucking schoolgirl and followed Hogg off the field, taunting him mercilessly, “Hehehehe, got you, Hoggy, you fucken stupid Aussie bastard…hehehe…got you…” I suspect that Mushtaq knew all along that Harvey wouldn’t change his decision and was just trying to cover his tracks. This incident profoundly affected Hogg because later in 1979, Hogg was involved in an unseemly incident on the second day of the second Test between India and Australia in Bangalore. After being no-balled 11 times in six overs, Hogg bowled a beamer, kicked down the stumps and stormed off the field. His captain Kim Hughes tendered an immediate apology to the umpire and persuaded Hogg to express his apologies also. I wouldn’t have fucken apologised. The cheating cunts.

The second event occurred in Australia’s second innings of the 1st Test. Chasing 382 for victory, Australia was cruising at 3-305. However, in one of the most amazing collapses in Test history, Australia was bundled out for 310. Yes, we lost fucking 7-5. The unremarkable Safraz Nawaz took a remarkable 7-1 in 33 balls and finished with figures of 9-86. Often touted as the founder of reverse swing, this was the spell when Sarfraz first discovered that crown mints could be used to reverse swing a ball. While no bastard has ever proved that Sarfraz cheated during this spell, Alan Border offers some damning evidence, “When I came out to bat, we were 1-49 and Sarfraz greeted me with a sneer and breath that reeked of a curried turd. When he bowled me 275 balls later for 105 with the score on 305, he ran up to me to give me a send off in Punjabi and suddenly his breath smelt like crown mints. And we know what happened next. The cunt was unplayable. It wasn’t until years later that Waqar Younis acknowledged that Safraz taught him the art of reverse swing and that his secret ingredient was breath mints that it all clicked. How else could a trundler like Sarfraz take 7-1? Sure his scalps included Wood, Sleep, Clark, Hogg and Hurst, but jesus christ, noone could move the ball as much as he did during that spell without some outside help….”

But the ever-moody Sarfraz had not yet finished with the Australians that series and during the second Test in Perth sunk to his lowest level yet. Andrew Hilditch was at the non-strikers’ end when a loose throw landed near him. He nonchalantly picked up the ball and returned it to the bowler, Sarfraz. Sarfraz immediately appealed to umpire Tony Crafter. Crafter hesitated and glanced over to Mushtaq, obviously giving him the chance to withdraw the appeal. Not surprisingly, Mushtaq remained silent as Sarfraz continued to rant and rave. Crafter had no choice but to give Hilditch out. Sarfraz and Miandad rejoiced and gave a Hilditch a typical Pakistani send-off. Strictly speaking, Hilditch had broken the law and the umpire was correct to rule him out. However, the bloody appeal was blatantly against the spirit of cricket. Tony Greig viewed it as gamesmanship. But Greig is a deadset cockhead. What Sarfraz did was a fair dinkum disgrace and bloody immoral. A downright slur on the game, it is the only handled the ball dismissal to occur at the non-striker's end.

Sarfraz Nawaz, pictured in 1979, concealing a packet of crown mints up his arse

While Sarfraz resorted to cheating to take wickets, I begrudgingly cannot question Javed’s tenacity or his batting record – 8,832 runs at 52.75 with 23 centuries is a testament to this. The wily cunt learned his craft as a youngster on the tough, blue-collar streets of Karachi, and not surprisingly his technique flew in the face of most cricket coaching textbooks. It used to piss Bobby Simpson right off, which is just fine in my book. His unorthodox but distinctive square-on batting stance and equally unconventional split-handed grip never hindered him though. The great Viv Richards was once quoted saying, "If there was any batsman whom I could choose to bat for my life, it would be Javed Miandad." However, there is no doubt he was a fucking annoying cunt who loved to incite and rankle opposition players. The most famous result of his incessant goading was the infamous incident with DK Lillee in 1981. Playing in the first test in Perth, Pakistan were routed in their first innings for a paltry total of 62 by the Australian pace attack of Lillee and Alderman. In the second innings, they needed 543 to win, and that looked highly unlikely when they were at 2 for 27. Amid the crowd chants of “Lill–ee–Lill-ee”, Javed Miandad and Mansoor Akhtar tried to resurrect the Pakistan innings; at least to manufacture a draw. Miandad played Lillee to square leg and completed an easy run, with a collision taking place in the centre. According to Miandad, Lillee had tried to block his path. According to Lillee, Miandad struck him from behind with his bat. A verbal exchange then took place. Thanks to an eyewitness, the stocky Bruce Laird, I can finally reveal what was said. Here is an unedited transcript. DK Lillee, “Sorry, Javed, I didn’t mean to get in your way, son.” Javed, “That’s OK, Dennis, I didn’t mean to plug your wife last night, you Aussie fucker.” Lillee, “You fucken what, you little Paki cunt?” Javed, “Last night, DK, your wife took out my middle stump….and she nearly choked on my googlies.” Lillee, “Big mistake, fuckstick.” Lillee then allegedly kicked Miandad on his pads. Miandad, then started charging towards Lillee with his bat lifted high above the head, as if to hit him. Had Tony Crafter not intervened, it is more than likely that Miandad would have ended up with his bat shoved up his arse. It was no surprise to me that the bloody Australian media immediately turned on Lillee, with this incident coming hot on the heels of the “aluminium bat” schmozzle. An even less surprise was that Bobby Simpson was the most vociferous to blame Lillee for the whole incident. What that beanhead Simpson didn’t understand was that since there was no other way for the Paki’s to win the match, Javed tried to use every trick in his book to save it. DK was fined $200 for the incident. Amid outcry from the umpires and the wowsers of the cricketing world about the leniency of the punishment, the fine was decreased in cash to A$120 but a bloody 2 match ban was also awarded to Lillee. Thank christ, there were 2 one day matches before the next Test, so Lillee was back for the next Test match. Of course, Miandad got off scott free. No apology, no fine. Fucken typical.

Javed Miandad in 1981, hiding behind Tony Crafter, Lilllee primed to punch the living suitcase out of him

While Miandad himself was a renowned sledger, he was on the end of one of the finest sledging comebacks in Test history. In a Test match against Australia, Miandad called Merv Hughes a “fat bus conductor”. A few balls later Hughes dismissed Miandad, “Tickets please”, said Merv, as he ran past the departing Miandad. Priceless.

Throughout the 80s and 90s Pakistani cricket quickly spiralled down a murky path of corruption, bribery and ball tampering. Sarfraz Nawaz passed the black art of reverse swing bowling on to another Pakistani bowler, Imran Khan. Khan mastered reverse swing and the evidence of this was seen in 1983 in a Test match against India at Karachi, where he took 5 wickets in 25 balls. Roger Binny was interviewed after the game, “Sure, Imran bowled superbly. And what’s more, his breath never smelt sweeter.” Imran Khan subsequently passed this skill on to Waqar Younis and Wasim Akram who are considered to have been the finest exponents of the art. In other words, two of the biggest cheating cunts ever. On Pakistan's 1992 tour of England, England had no answer to their reverse swing, a new phenomenon to them. Pakistan won the series 2-1. The series was a controversial one as the Pakistani team were accused of ball tampering, particularly by the English media. It was a difficult one to assess because the England side at the time were fucking tripe and would have struggled against Dave Gilbert’s swing, and readers, we all know that he couldn’t swing a pendulum. Waqar Younis then became the first player to receive a suspension for ball-tampering after a match in 2000. Fucking surprise, surprise, surprise.

The Pakistanis also became more and more adept at match fixing, particularly under the shameful leadership of Salim Malik. Malik captained Pakistan on tours of South Africa and Zimbabwe before being suspended from cricket having been accused of bribery. He was however found innocent by a court of jesters and allowed to continue his career. Malik played his last Test match in January 1999 but ended his cricket career in disgrace, having been banned from associating himself with the game in any capacity by Justice Qayyam's inquiry in May of 2000.

The inquiry was launched in response to charges of betting and match-fixing against several of Pakistan's top cricketers, including former captains Wasim and Malik, spinners Saqlain Mushtaq and Mushtaq Ahmed, medium pace bowler Ata-ur Rehman and batsman Ijaz Ahmed. Jesus bloody christ, I didn’t need a fucking inquiry to know that these blokes were on the take. Judge Qayyum's judicial inquiry investigated several allegations of corruption dating back to 1994, including one made by Shane Warne and Mark Waugh. They accused Malik of offering them bribes to perform poorly during an Australian tour of Pakistan. Mark Waugh told me, “Yeah, Malik knew that I was a mad punter and asked me if I want to make some money by tanking a few games. I told him to fuck off but I did ask him if he had any good tips on the dogs or nags.” A number of Pakistani cricketers, including former captains Rashid Latif and Aamir Sohail, also accused their teammates of throwing matches.

After a year long investigation, Justice Qayyum found Malik and Rehman guilty of match-fixing and recommended life bans for both pricks and a 1m rupee fine (£12,500) for Malik. Judge Qayyum recommended Malik be banned from any connection with cricket, either as a player or manager. "There is clear evidence of match-fixing against Mr Salim Malik", Judge Qayyum said. "He should be banned for life from cricket. Further, an inquiry should be conducted into his assets and charges brought against him in a criminal court of law." The inquiry also recommended a 300,000 rupee (£3,300) fine for former cricket captain Wasim Akram, because he failed to co-operate with the judicial inquiry. While the report does not accuse Wasim of any wrongdoing, it did recommend that neither Wasim nor Mushtaq Ahmed should be allowed to captain the team. Read between the bloody lines – these two blokes were untrustworthy and more than likely on the payroll too. But it does not end there. Waqar Younis, Inzamam-ul Haq, Akram Raza, and former captain Saeed Anwar also received fines of 100,000 rupees (£1200) for not co-operating with the board. What does that tell you? You don’t have to be blind Freddy to work out that the whole Pakistan team was a bunch of unscrupulous bastards that were greasing their palms by taking bribes. Bloody treacherous and a slap in the face to all those who love the game. Malik became the first ever cricketer to be banned for match fixing and his insulting appeals of innocence have not borne fruit since, remaining an outcast in the cricketing world.

Salim Malik, pictured in 1991, deliberately lollying a ball off the bowling of the very pedestrian Jonathon Agnew

A reasonable bloke would think that this inquiry would have put an end to the shadiness that had pervaded over the Pakistan cricket team for many years and put them back on an even keel. The devious and crooked arseholes had been weeded out and we all hoped that a sense of honour would be returned to Pakistani cricket. Yeah, righto - not bloody likely.

During the fourth Test against England at the Oval on 20 August 2006, ball tampering accusations were made against the Pakistani team, which resulted in the team forfeiting the match. On the fourth day of the Test, during England's second innings, the ball began to late reverse swing for Umar Gul (aka cheating cunt) in particular, resulting in him dismissing Alastair Cook LBW to an inswinging yorker. Cook is a dud but the ball moved fucking sideways. Four overs later, on examining the ball, umpire Darrell Hair decided there was evidence that the ball had been tampered with. He consulted with the other umpire, Billy Doctrove, and penalised the Pakistani team for interfering with the condition of the ball, awarding five runs to England. I spoke to Darrell Hair later about the ball, “Tampered with? Jesus, it had bloody sticky tape on one side of it. And it reeked of crown mints. I knew something was up when I noticed the under-handed Sarfraz in the Pakistan change-rooms before the game. He had a cunning smirk on his face that screamed corruption.” Although play continued until the end of the afternoon session, the Pakistani team decided in principle, not to reappear at the start of the third session. Principle? And Pakistan? For fucksake. The two go together like Murray Bennett and turn. But wait, it gets even more farcical. Their decision was made in protest of what they believed to be an unjust and insensitive decision. Don’t make me bloody laugh. As a result of the Pakistani team's failure to appear on the field, the umpires rightly awarded the test to England, cricket's first and only forfeiture. In a decision that left me bloody speechless, the Pakistani team was cleared of any wrongdoing when further proceedings saw captain Inzamam-ul-Haq found not guilty of ball tampering. However, the team's protest led to him being banned for four games on the charge of bringing the game of cricket into disrepute. Jesus bloody christ, Inzamam’s running between wickets and fielding had long brought the game of cricket into disrepute. He should have been banned for life for being a fat hog. But the flagrant return of immorality to Pakistan cricket had only just begun.

Immediately following the ball tampering controversy was the revelation that it’s front-line pace attack of Shoaib “Best Supporting” Akhtar and Mohammad Asif “Igiveashit” had both tested positive for Nandrolone, a banned anabolic steroid. The two buffoons were on the monkey juice. Though both stooges denied any substance abuse, both Akhtar and Asif were banned for 2 years and 1 year respectively. However, again in a decision that left me flabbergasted, both bowlers were successful in their appeals with the earlier bans being revoked. Crikey Moses, does the ICC have any gonads? They keep letting these bent bastards off. Shane Warne takes some diet pills to lose some flab and cops 12 months. Yet, these two goons get off without so much as a slap on the wrist. Don’t get me wrong, I was dead against what Warney did – leggies, top-flight leggies, need to be fat and unfit – there was no need for him to shed any kilos. But that bloody propeller-head Buchanan got in his ear and ruined him.

Further evidence that Pakistan cricket is still as dodgy as Roger Rogerson came to light in the 2007 World Cup. The pricks participated in one of the biggest upsets in World Cup history when they were knocked out of the competition in a “shock” defeat to Ireland, who were playing in their first competition. Ireland, for fucksake!!!!! That is about as ridiculous as suggesting that Shane Lee was good enough to play for Australia. Pakistan, needing to win to qualify for the next stage after losing to the West Indies in their opening match, were put into bat by Ireland on a green pitch. They lost wickets regularly and only 4 batsmen crossed double figures. In the end they were bowled out by the Irish for a pathetic 132. The Irish went on to win the game, helped by a knock of 72 from Niall O'Brien. This meant that Pakistan had been knocked out during the first round for the second consecutive World Cup.

Hmmm….if it smells like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it is more than likely a duck. The bastards were at it again. On the bloody take. The betting syndicates in Pakistan must be laughing their heads off at how easy it is to get these blokes to roll over.

The story became even more sordid when coach Bob Woolmer died one day later on March 18, 2007 in Kingston, Jamaica. Jamaican police spokesman, Karl Angell, reported on March 23, 2007 that, "Mr Woolmer's death was due to asphyxiation as a result of manual strangulation," and that, "Mr Woolmer's death is now being treated by the Jamaica police as a case of murder." Of course it bloody was. Unnamed sources (rumoured to be Qasim Omar) tell me that Woolmer was sick and bloody tired of the irredeemable behaviour of the team and was about to spill the beans to all and sundry. Before he could do so he was bumped off. Subsequent to his team's defeat and the death of Woolmer, Inzamam-ul-Haq announced his resignation as captain of the team and his retirement from one-day cricket, stating that he would continue to take part in Test cricket but not as captain. And to top it off, in what smells very much to me as “pay off”, the Jamaican police recently announced that Woolmer died of natural causes and the case was closed. Bloody bullshit. If you call being strangled by a fat, smelly Pakistani as being “natural” then these Mr Plods should be put on the Beaumont’s case – they would probably come back with the finding that they missed the bus and are just running late.

So the latest allegations that Pakistan are on the take again comes as no surprise to me. They have a long and sordid history of cheating. And it is not likely to change.