The winner of this week’s Chad will come as no surprise to anyone. Despite a fine fusty field of fantastically fetid fuckwits, there was one outstanding nominee that rose high above the pack. This nominee has an incredibly long history of being a complete and utter fuckwit. And that fuckwit is the Glenelg Football Club.
Right from its inception, Glenelg has been a consistent fuckwit. It entered the SANFL in 1921 and proceeded to lose 56 games in succession before winning its first game on May 2, 1925 – a fucking dark day for football. It wasn’t until 1926 that Glenelg was able to lift itself of the bottom of the ladder – in a stellar season (by Glenelg standards) it finished a lofty second to bottom. The pricks won their first flag in 1934 but that proved to be a total aberration as they returned to form the following season by finishing bottom.
It would be another 39 years of ineptitude before they won their second flag in 1973, beating their grand final bunnies, North Adelaide. However, this began a sensational run of choking in grand finals, a trait that the Glenelg has become world renowned for. They lost to Sturt in 1974, the mighty Redlegs in 1975, Port in 1977, Port in 1981, and the Redlegs once again 1982. Luckily for them, in 1985 and 1986, they came up against their bunnies, North Adelaide, winning two grand finals by default. But since that time, it has been one choke after another. They lost to North in 1987, Port in 1988, 1990, and 1992. Since then, they have installed a conga line of suckholes as coaches who have maintained Glenelg’s proud record of failure - Kym Hodgeman, Choco Williams, Tony Symonds, Wayne Stringer, Fweddy McGuiness, Brenton Honor, Peter Simmons and finally Mark “Rubbers” Mickan. All could proudly wear a Chad Medal, but none is more deserving than Tony Symonds. Not only is Symonds an inaugural member of the Tontine Australian Football Hall of Shame, but he was the first woman to coach an SANFL team.
Despite Glenelg’s embarrassing history, the current crop of nancy-boys have taken Glenelg to a whole new level, particularly in the past three years. They are the classic case of “March Champions, September Chumps”. When the going gets tough, they disappear quicker than a pie off Eddie McGuire’s plate. They have inspired the likes of Sam Stosur and Adam Scott to under-achieve on the world stage. Take a look at their record in the past 3 years. In 2008, they finished minor premiers and were the hot favourites to beat Centrals in the granny. After hitting the front early in the 3rd quarter, they completely crumbled, allowing the Dogs to kick 5 goals in 15 minutes and handing the premiership cup to Centrals on a nice silver platter. In 2009, they again finished minor premier before folding like the squibs they are in straight sets. Come 2010, and it was once again going to be the Bays year. They went into the last minor round game in first place and needing to beat Centrals to secure the minor premiership. But it was a wet day at Elizabeth and the Glenelg players didn’t want to muddy their nice clean guernseys and their brand new netball skirts and the fuckwits didn’t give a yelp, handing the Dogs the minor premiership. And we all know what happened next – another straight sets exit – firstly smashed into submission by the Redlegs (not unexpected) and then losing a game of hide the sausage to the Eagles (and handing the coveted Payze-Symonds Butt Plug Trophy to the Eagles – Luke Jarrad gratefully bent over and accepted the plug from Payze). So that makes 5 successive finals losses to the Bays and a 2 and 7 record for Rubbers. But all is not lost, Bay supporters, you don’t end the season empty-handed, because I am pleased to announce that Glenelg are this week’s winner of the Chad Medal. Congratulations, Glenelg, I hope you don’t choke on it, you fuckwits.
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