Kid Rock – for getting into a fight at a Waffle House restaurant with a bloke who asked Kid about his ex-wife, Pamela Anderson. Apparently, Kid was upset that the guy thought her performance in the Tommy Lee home video was far superior to her performance in Baywatch. The Hoff agrees. So does Tommy.
David Garrett (NZ MP) – for stealing the identity of a dead baby to obtain a fake passport in 1984. You fuckwit, you didn’t think you could get through customs as “Azaria Chamberlain”, did you?
Kevin Foley – for apologising to South Australian voters for the “painful things” in his budget. To quote Kev, “What we've tried to do with this Budget, as best as possible, is to take the pain internally…” Take the pain internally? Good one, Kev, I’d say it is the general public that have been bent over, not you, you tossbag.
Bethany Storro – the US woman who gained sympathy worldwide after she claimed a random assailant threw acid on her face and has now come forward with the admission that she inflicted the attack on herself. Apparently, this has inspired Graham Cornes to finally admit that his face is also self-inflicted.
Patricia Cuda – the school bus driver in the US who was fired for letting two students - ages 13 and 15 - drive her bus while other young passengers were on board. She reportedly told school officials she allowed the teens to drive because they asked to. Apparently, that is exactly the same response given by both Port’s Brett Duncanson and Essendon’s David Evans when they were asked why they re-signed Choco Williams and Matty Knights respectively last year only to sack them less than a year later, costing each club close to a million dollars. Both fuckwits said it was because Choco and Matty “asked us to”.
Employers – for hiring people who exaggerate their achievements during the interview process, only to find out the truth when they have been hired. A survey by a recruitment firm found that 61% of employers complained that candidates had exaggerated their background, only to find their staff lacked hands-on experience. Essendon was one of the 61%.
George Michael – for crying like a baby when locked up in prison for being caught driving whilst on drugs. George, you should have been locked away for life without parole the moment you released “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”. And how you escaped the death penalty for “Careless Whisper” is beyond me.
Jamie Oliver – for naming his newborn son, Buddy Bear Maurice. You must be a massive fan of Channel 9’s Wide World of Sports, Jamie, to name your son after former presenter, Ian “Bear” Maurice.
Bruce McAvaney – who is Bruce going to toss over this weekend? St Nick or Didak?
Glenelg – for offering their supporters a new membership deal that provides members with free holiday packages in September.
Kanye West – for releasing the longest ever music video - a 40-minute epic for his new Runaway single. The song’s story of a phoenix that falls to earth, is severely criticised and then burns herself to escape, is inspired by the entertainer’s own story. What the fuck?? Kanye, you could have saved the big bucks and got me to direct your video instead - I could have summed up your musical career by filming my regular Sunday morning dump.
Yuksel Yesilova – the coach of a Turkish soccer team who is in hospital after recovering today after his brother allegedly jumped out of the crowd and stabbed him in front of thousands of shocked fans. Essendon fans were wondering in about round 22 if Matty Knights had a long-lost Turkish brother.
Cooking shows – I can wait for the new one on Channel 10 which is set in the highlands of Papua New Guinea and will be hosted by Hannibal Lector.
The Western Bulldogs leadership group – for setting an incredibly high standard for the rest of the team. Johnson (0), Murphy (1), Giansiracusa (2), Eagleton (0), Gilbee (1), Griffen (1), Lake (0), Hudson (0) and Hall (1) combined for a grand total of six tackles. That matched the combined number of tackles from the entire careers of Andrew Payze and Tony Symonds.
Nathan Thompson – for suggesting the Western Bulldogs need a wrestling coach to fix their tacking issues. Thommo, you fuckwit, hiring Hulk Hogan won’t improve their tackling but I’m sure their stats on figure-four-leg-locks will sky rocket.
Ricky Ponting – for his freshly laid rug. Obviously he is competing with Doug Bollinger for the Carpet Giants sponsorship dollar.
David Wildy and Stephen Rowe – for complaining that 5AA was not given access by the SANFL to interview players straight after the Norwood v Central game, a right granted exclusively to the ABC. Well, you dickheads, if 5AA actually covered SANFL games during the season, like the ABC and other radio stations such as Life FM and 5RPH do, instead of rocking up like peacocks at finals time and pretending to care about the SANFL then you might have something to complain about. Until then, shut the fuck up.
Channel 9 – for showing the Jim Stynes documentary at 3pm on Sunday, instead of at prime time. Show some respect, Channel 9, you fuckwits.
Corey Enright – for not being able to run inside the yellow interchange line and costing his team a goal. He also got banned from the Xmas pageant as a kid because he could not keep inside the blue line.
Luke Ball – for suggesting his hamstring injury is just a cramp. Yeah, and Jack Newton just had a tennis elbow.
Tom Hawkins – for still being confused about his role on the football field by getting one mark and one kick against Collingwood, both in the dying minutes of the game. Ok, so Darren Jolly was right.
Tony Dey – for his fifth nomination this season. Tony, you know you are a fuckwit when even two of the biggest cheating white maggots to ever grace a football field, Richard Williams and Colin Rowston, both think you are a cheating arsehole.
Weslo security – for being Nazis at Football Park. You idiots, it is the right of every football supporter to yell abuse at the umpires and the opposition.
Craig Moore – for getting arrested by police in Dubai in an “alcohol-related” incident. Craig, sometimes less is more.
Port Adelaide Power – do they seriously expect their supporters to believe that amongst the hundreds of prospective coaches available, that Matthew Primus was the best option? Nothing to do with the fact that Port Adelaide could not afford to pay a coach more than $700 a season and that Dean Laidley left the club as he was paying the club to allow him to be assistant coach. Apparently Adam Kingsley was coaching for free to make up for the years of inept on-field performances. The fuckwits (Port Board) are obviously devoted to ensuring Port fold before the Adelaide Oval refurbishment is complete.
Sturt Junior Basketball Club parents - Sturt Under 12’s defeated Norwood in the State League Div 1 final after Norwood had gone undefeated for 2 years, so a fine effort by the Sturt players. However, the parents of the players saw fit to actually gloat on a Hoops forum and make derogatory comments about the Norwood coach – yes parents of 11 year old kids playing basketball for fun. And Sturt wonder why everyone thinks they are total fuckwits and they are hated across the globe for crimes against decency and good sportsmanship! Could this only happen at Sturt? Apparently the gloating in the Sturt ballet club that many of the fathers participate in is even worse! There is often confusion between the Sturt Ballet Club and the Sturt Football Club – there should be no confusion, the footy players are the ones in pink tutus.
White Maggots in the AFL and SANFL - listen here you blind fuckwits, if a player has prior opportunity and does not (a) kick the ball or (b) handball the ball or (c) he either simply drops it or hangs on to it, it is fucking “holding the ball” or “incorrect disposal” you sons of bitches. Since when has it been ok to just let the ball go and put it on the ground or throw it away? We know that Jeff Gieschen (one of the greatest Chads of all) has well and truly tried to ruin the football fabric and turn the game into Gaelic footy (just because he was fucking useless at the real thing), but it’s time we put a stop to this cancer. Blow your fucking whistles, you little, bald, skinny, nerdy, universally hated pricks and stop costing deserving players and teams their just rewards.
Andrew Demetriou – for his fucking annoying insistence on reading out Collingwood, Geelong and Carlton player votes at the Brownlow with a long pause after saying the first letter of their Christian name in a futile attempt at creating drama. Let’s try the same for the Chad Medal. Round 15, A Demetriou v A Anderson, 1 vote, A………….Fuckwit, 2. votes, A…………………Fuckwit, and 3 votes, A…….…Fuckwit.
Dale Thomas – for so many reasons. 1. For having a christian name for a surname. All people with a christian name for a surname are fuckwits. Examples include Neil Craig, Jack Anthony, George Michael, Mark Harvey, Grant Thomas, Chris Scott (don’t tell him I said that), Craig Hutchison (ok, he’s just a fuckwit), and Michael Christian. 2. For his hair – apparently he exclusively uses the McAvaney range of natural gels which are normally available only on Friday nights during the footy season. 3. For turning up to the Brownlow with some tramp he found in the Collingwood cheer squad (reportedly Joffer’s daughter/sister/cousin) whose eyes are so wide apart they could be mistaken for her ears.
Pakistan Cricket Board chairman Ijaz Butt “Plug” - for trying to deflect criticism of the Pakistani cricket team, by insinuating that the English cricketers threw the third one-dayer. Wrong, Ijaz, the English lost because they are just plain shit.
The New Delhi subsidiary of Dodgy Brothers Construction Contractors Pty Ltd – for an outstanding engineering job in constructing bridges and stadium ceilings for the Commonwealth Games. They have been short-listed for the Adelaide Oval refurbishment – they have a great new idea about installing some retractable lights.
British TV presenter Naomi Lloyd - for mistakenly reporting that a polar bear had washed up on a beach in southern England when in fact it was a cow. Actually, Luke Darcy made a similar mistake during the Brownlow telecast when Brynne Eldeston arrived – he mistakenly reported that a cow had been washed up on the blue carpet when in fact she a slapper.
Brynne Edelston – for wearing an outfit that showed the Brownlow audience what she ate for lunch which resulted in the same audience spewing up theirs.
Geoffrey Edelston – for cracking a fat on the Brownlow blue carpet. Stay off the Viagra, Geoffrey.
Dane Swan – unlike your fuckwit namesake Wayne Swan, not polling enough votes did not result in you winning.
Eddie McGuire – for a great impersonation of the Michelin Man. McGuire, stay off the McNuggets, you McFuckwit.
Liz Ellis – for making Brynne Edelston look good on the blue carpet.
Indy car driver, Will Power – for a Chad of a name. Can’t wait to meet his cousin, Fuck Wit.
Dustin Fletcher – for not knowing when to hang up the boots. Apparently, the Bombers are also going to sign a few new, young recruits – Billy Duckworth and under the “son-father” rule, Merv Neagle and Tim Watson.
Australia’s Davis Cup team – for losing to Trinity Gardens in the local Winter Pennant competition.
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