Winner Chad Week 3

The annual Christmas Pageant was held last weekend. But what didn’t get publicised was the first ever Chad Christmas Pageant. There were some outstanding floats on display and an array of fantastic Chad clowns running around like fuckwits. The Greater Western Sydney float was a real crowd-pleaser, in the shape of its new mascot, a Giant orange turd fashioned out of the shit that flows from the mouth of Kevin Sheedy. The One Port Adelaide float was also scheduled to appear but it was car-jacked on the way to the pageant by some feral Port supporters and was last seen parked out the front of the Prince of Wales Hotel. Mark Webber started the pageant in pole position but finished last while the Qantas float broke down shortly after taking off. Portia DeGeneres was going to appear at the pageant but pulled out at the last minute when she realised her float was a giant penis. And a real highlight was the Australian cricket test team float – there was only room for 11 but they were able cram 17 on board. The Federal Parliament was going to have a float but the bastards were either on junkets around the world or refused to appear on the grounds that they were not getting paid enough.

It was a very close contest to decide the winner of the most outstanding performance at the Chad Christmas pageant. Sturt went very close to winning with their Fat Pink Pig float, a real sign of their recruiting strategy for the 2011 season. Unfortunately, Matthew Duldig couldn’t make it because he had just started his pre-season training by chowing down on his 12th schnitzel for the morning at the Cremorne Hotel. The Royal Engagement float probably would have won the Chad had it not crashed after being chased by the paparazzi float. There were also other dramas with the royals - Prince Edward was found sitting on top of the giant penis float while many kids though Fergie was the Sturt float. But the winner of the Chad for his brilliant effort as a clown is David Hussey – he had kids in stitches with his myriad of hilarious comments, such as suggesting that Mike Hussey was in superb form during his 18-ball duck against Victoria. And that Doug Bollinger wig he was wearing was a real hoot.

Chad Nominations - Week 3

• Greater Western Sydney – for their inventive and highly original nickname, The Giants. I’d suggest that it might prove to be an apt name as GWS is going to be a GFU (giant fuck-up).
• Greater Western Sydney – for having the worst team colours in the AFL. The brief to their guernsey design company must have been – find us a colour that is even more fucked than teal.
• Portia DeGeneres/DeRossi/DeLicker – for refusing to be interviewed by Aussie blokes. Still, ya can’t blame her for not wanting to be interviewed by David “the bald-headed chicken fucker” Koch. I’d rather have a conversation about football with Kevin Rudd.
• Australian Federal MPs – for giving themselves a massive pay rise. You complete arseholes. You sit in Parliament and carry on like a bunch of monkeys trying to fuck a football and expect to get paid for it. If you employ monkeys then pay them fucking peanuts. John Conde, who is chair of the Remuneration Tribunal, says ministers are grossly underpaid. He then went on to say that Nathan Hauritz is also grossly underpaid and that Julia Gillard is grossly unattractive. He got one thing right.
• Australian Test Selectors – for selecting a squad of 17 for the first Ashes test. In breaking news, Ricky Ponting and Doug “The Rug” Bollinger have selected a squad of 17 toupees to wear in the first test. Ponting is favouring the Greg Mathews Berber while Bollinger is understood to be keen on the Gooch Fine Denier.
• Qantas – for being as reliable as the current Australian middle order.
• Essendon and Adelaide – for showing interest in Woodville West Torrens pillow-biter, Luke Jarrad. Obviously both clubs have identified the need for a soft prick that sweats off packs and avoids the contest like Kevin Foley avoids salads. I would have thought both clubs already have that need covered - the Crows have Chris Knights and Essendon have Mark Williams (the former Hawthorn contest dodger, not the former Port Adelaide ‘tard). Essendon also identified the need for blokes with no integrity – and so they signed James Turd and Bomber Thompson.
• Mark Webber – for doing a Glenelg by snatching defeat from the jaws of victory at Abu Dhabi.
• Tim Nielsen – for having a sooky la la because of the widespread criticism of the current Australian test team. He described critics as being “uneducated”. Well, Tim, I’d like to compare Ian Chappell’s cricket knowledge with yours, you fuckwit.
• The people of the US – for the real possibility that Sarah Palin will be voted in as the next President of the US. Who will be her deputy? Paris Hilton? At least one bloke won’t be voting for her - Steven Cowan, a 67 year-old rural Wisconsin man who blasted his television set with a shotgun after watching Bristol Palin's (Sarah’s slut of a daughter) Dancing with the Stars routine, saying he was fed up with politics and Ms Palin wasn't a very good dancer.
• Sturt – for signing ex-Glenelg fatty boom bah, Mathew Duldig. They are also rumoured to be on the verge of signing John Candy, Lance Whitnall, Mark Cosgrove, Kim Beazley and Amanda Vanstone.
• One Port Adelaide – now the ferals will have only one club to watch getting pumped each week. What is Michaelangelo Rucci gonna whinge about now?
• Vladimir Moksunov - head of the Russian association of lavatory manufacturers who says Russia must regain its pre-revolutionary status as the country with the best lavatories in the world. He said, "Before the revolution of 1917 the quality of lavatories in Russia was the best of the world. The state of public lavatories is generally seen as a disgrace in Moscow, with citizens having to endure stinking and ageing facilities even though they usually have to pay for the privilege of using them.” The same could be said about politicians in Australia, and South Australia in particular.
• Pauline Hanson - for changing her mind about leaving Australia to live in England because it is not the racially pure Utopia she thought it was. The fact that there are 500,000 kids born there all called Mohammed might have given you a subtle hint, you fuckwit.
• Andrew Demetriou - for bullying the SANFL clubs into voting for the Port Adelaide merger and thereby setting the stage for the end of the SANFL as we know it. Demetriou, you fat dumb pig, the SANFL has existed as a football competition long before the AFL and even VFL and it is real football not the plastic tripe that you have turned the AFL into. So keep ya greasy nose out of our business.
• The Royal Engagement - who gives a shit if a balding ponce who was born with a silver spoon up his arse is going to marry a stuck-up gold-digger who will end carking it anyway in a car crash driven by a pissed Frenchman while she's rooting a rich Arab in the backseat of the car.
• David Hussey - for commenting about brother Mike's 18-ball duck against Victoria, "I actually thought he played pretty well." Apparently, Hussey's fondest memories of Greg Chappell's career are when he scored 7 ducks in a row.

Chad Week 2 Winner

The cricket season is well underway and already there are numerous fuckwits putting their hand up to be selected in the Chad First XI. Some old campaigners like Media Mike, Roley Poley Foley and the ICC continue to press for selection, with consistent fuckwit performances. Media Mike is in career-best form with his great idea of re-locating the De-Salination Plant to Puglia – in return, we get a life-time supply of salami and pecorino cheese. Packed To The Rafters had Australia in tears over the death of one its lead characters – Channel 7 missed a golden opportunity to do us all a favour by bumping off the rest of the insipid cast. And then they wheeled out Grant Denyer once again to host yet another crap show, Iron Chad – Denyer is like Jason from Friday the Thirteenth – the fucker just can’t be killed off. Perhaps he should take up car-racing again. But this week’s Chad came down to two outstanding nominees – James Turd and Mark “Bomber” Thompson.

James Turd cemented his fast-growing reputation as a bare-faced liar. He was asked a series of questions over the week by football’s first drag queen, Caro Wilson, the answers to which show his complete aversion to telling the truth:

• Caro: “Can Nathan Hauritz spin a ball?” Turd: “Yes”
• Caro: “Should Michael Clarke be Australia’s next test captain?” Turd: “Yes”
• Caro: “Should Marcus North be dropped?” Turd: “No”
• Caro: “Do you have cauliflower ears?” Turd: “No”

Clearly James Turd is destined for a career in politics when his coaching career finishes at the end of 2011.

Which leads us on to this week’s winner, Bomber Thompson. He just proved he has absolutely no integrity by accepting the role of Senior Assistant Coach at Essendon after quitting the Geelong coaching job with a year left on his contract, citing exhaustion as the reason. Yeah, exhausted by all the cloak-and-dagger negotiations with Essendon during the year, no doubt. No wonder Geelong were crap towards the end of the year – he was too busy worrying about sneaking off to meetings at Windy Hill with David Evans and James Turd. And talk about a hypocrite. All season he has been banging on about loyalty – here is just one of his quotes, "I love Joel Selwood and what he's been able to do. It's just all class and just integrity. A lot of our players have stayed for the right reasons. Because they love playing together and they love playing (for) Geelong. They love playing footy together. That's me, too. That's what I love about team sports and what Geelong are doing at the moment.'' So then he goes and does the dirty himself, stabbing the club in the back and joining Essendon. You’ll fit in well at Essendon, Bomber, because judging by their head coach’s lack of moral fibre, Essendon is a club bereft of honesty and integrity.

Chad Nominations - Cricket Season Week 2

• Bomber Thompson – for an absolute classic case of hypocrisy. After having a crack at Gary Ablett all season for being disloyal to Geelong, Bomber quit as coach of the Cats with a year of his contract remaining claiming he was burnt-out. A month later he has signed on as Senior Assistant Coach of Essendon, with evidence now emerging that he started negotiating with the Bombers as early as July. Frank Costa is sending his boys around to have a chat with him…
• James Hird – for becoming football’s Pinocchio. For months he denied he wanted to coach the Bombers – and then he signed on as coach. He then consistently denied any knowledge of any negotiations with Bomber Thompson, even as late as the day before Bomber signed on. Hirdy, you belong in politics, not in football, you lying, smug ponce.
• Essendon – for not realising that spending their entire salary cap on putting together a high profile coaching panel will not make a lick of difference to a playing squad that is so bad that it would make even Jack Anthony look like a superstar.
• Stuart Broad – for his comment that “all bowlers have a certain number of balls in their body.” Ah, yeah, most blokes generally have two, ya fuckwit, unless they are members of the ICC, in which case they have none.
• ICC – for consistently denying the Pakistan cricket is corrupt. They are still in denial, even though Pakistan wicketkeeper Zulqarnain Haider has had to retire from international cricket and is seeking political asylum in Britain because of threats from Pakistani match-fixers.
• Tiger Woods – for suggesting that he is playing the Australian Masters because he wants to defend his title, not because of the appearance money is getting paid. If that is the case, Tiger, then why don’t you hand back the $3 million you are getting paid? Or do you need the money to pay off another slapper that you have rooted?
• Mike Rann – can his credibility go any lower? The pizzas in Puglia must be fantastic.
• Messenger Newspaper - for putting Simon Tregenza on the front cover of this week's edition because of his outstanding form with the bat in Division 17 of the Blind Cricket Competition. To make it worse, in the accompanying article they described Trigger as an AFL footballer who thrilled crowds with his dashing runs down the wing for the Crows. What they failed to add is that in all cases he was dashing quickly away from a contest.
• The English Cricket Team – for hiring a “Yip Doctor” to help stop the team from choking during the upcoming Ashes series. Apparently, while the Poms are in Adelaide, the Yip Doctor will be making a housecall to Glenelg Oval.
• North Adelaide – for signing Brett Backwell. Another front-running little umpires pet is just what they need.
• Adelaide United – for planning to merge with North Adelaide. Smart move, Rob Gerard, ya fat tub of lard, you’ve just alienated 99.99% of Adelaide United supporters.
• Jessica Mauboy - for mis-pronouncing debut as “de-butt”, not once, but twice at the ARIA awards show. Mauboy, try pronouncing fuckwit. Struggling a bit? Ok, try this: FUCK-WIT.
• Kevin Roley Poley Foley - for claiming one of his sons as a spouse for overseas travel. Shit, Big Kev, you’ve taken the old Tasmanian saying of “nothin says lovin like marryin ya cousin” way too far.
• Packed to the Rafters – for not doing the right thing and killing off the entire cast.
• Rupert Grint – for not understanding that being in the Harry Potter movies does not guarantee you a root when you look like a ruptured genital wart.
• Grant Denyer – for taking over from Daryl Somers and Rove as the most annoying little fuckwit on Australian TV.
• The Jacksons - for creating a new Michael Jackson themed clothing line. Apparently, they are about to open the new Michael Jackson Child Care Centre too.
• The Advertiser - for describing Muttiah Muralitharan as a "spin wizard". Cheating fuckwit is a more accurate description.
• Muttiah Muralitharan - for commenting on whether Steve Smith is up to playing test cricket. "Smith does not have much control and he must learn more about bowling spin before he plays Test cricket again," Muralitharan said. Not knowing a thing about spin bowling never stopped you from playing test cricket, ya fuckwit. You spent your entire Test career chucking the ball, not bowling it.
• Fremantle - for agreeing to draft John Anthony. He may go down as their worst recruit since they traded Andrew McLeod for Chris Groom.

Chad Medal - Cricket Season - Week 1

After a short break, the Chad is back. This week, there was no need for nominations as there was one clear winner - the Australian cricket team for their outstanding performance in the one-dayer against Sri Lanka. After posting a modest total of 239, the Australians had Sri Lanka on the ropes at 8-107 . But then Angelo Mathews (what sort of curry-muncher name is that anyway?) and Lasith "Mal" Malinga compiled a record 9th wicket ODI partnership of 132 runs to guide Sri Lanka to a humiliating victory over Australia. To rub salt into the wounds, Chuck Muralitharan hit the winning runs. So was skipper Michael Clarke fuming when interviewed after the game? Ah, no, when interviewed by Mark Nicholas, instead of showing anger and disgust, his first reaction was to giggle. Yes, that's right, after losing an unlosable game, our skipper was giggling like a fucking school girl. I understand that you are happy with your lot in life, Clarkey, you are getting paid over $500k pa to play cricket and you date supermodels, but captaining your team to an embarrassing loss is no laughing matter. Can you imagine Ian Chappell having a good old laugh when Malinga hit Johnson for another 6? Or Steve Waugh rolling around in hysterics when Siddle served up a big turd burger with burnt chips? I don't think so. This Australian team does not bleed for Australia. They are more interested in appearing on Australia's Next Top Model. So well done Clarkey and your bunch of prima donnas on winning the first Chad Medal of the cricket season. Hilditch, it is about time you removed your head from arse and made some changes otherwise this Ashes series is going to end in tears. I for one could not stand to see us lose to the smug likes of Strauss and Pietersen.