Round 13 nominations

• Neil Craig - for describing the current Adelaide Crows team as "the most exciting playing group ever in our club's history". Ah, I didn't realise you were a comedian, Neil. Because in the five years you coached/fucked up Norwood, I don't ever recall laughing at anything you ever said. Ok, so let's look at some of the player comparisons. Brent Reilly v Darren Jarman. Brent might be slaying a model off the field but Jars had more ability in the finger nail of his left pinkie than Reilly has in his entire body. Mark Riccuito v Van Berlo. No point discussing that one. Better off with Van Morrison. McLeod v Douglas. Douglas is more comparable to Matt Connell - two completely shit and soft players who both won a best and fairest at the Crows. Simon Goodwin v Richard Tambling. Yeah, we know you must be joking, Neil. Tony Modra v James Sellar. A real side-splitter, Neil! Tyson Edwards v Bernie Vince. Ok, so Edwards was probably a far bigger bitch than Vince is.


• Port Power - for creating history by becoming the first AFL team to lose to the U13s modified rules team from Mitcham Girls High School.


• Justin Westhoff - for shitting his dacks on national tv. Admittedly, there were only 9 Port supporters at the ground to witness his indescretion. And those were his mum and dad (aka as aunty and uncle) and his 7 brothers and sisters (aka his cousins).


• Adelaide Crows - for inventing more ways to lose a game when in a winning position. This time against Carlton, Andy Otten showed how to fuck up a simple chest mark when under no pressure at all. That is a tremendous skill to have and one that should get Port Power knocking on your door. Also, Richard Douglas for hand-balling 30 metres backwards to a Carlton player when within 40 metres of the Crows goal. You'll stitch up another B&F with that performance, Dicky.


• Footballers that insist on kicking the ball 50 metres backward and then putting their teams under enormous pressure that invariably results in a game-winning goal for the opposition.


• The Royal Wedding - let's just skip the fucking wedding and go straight to footage of the honeymoon - we all wanna see Princess Kate with her gear off.


• Gwyneth Paltrow - for dropping the c-word when describing her grandma on a US chat show. It would have been perfectly acceptable had she used the c-word to describe her hubby's crap band, Coldplay.


• The Spanish gym that is offering nude work-outs - nobody wants to see Magda Subanski or Kirsty Alley bouncing around in the buff on a cross-trainer.


• Rodney Eade - for putting debuante Mitch Wallis in the centre for the start of the last quarter against Freo when the scores were locked away. His opponent Munday kicked a goal within the first 10 seconds. Top move, Rocket, ya dickhead.


• MTV music programmers - for voting Wacko Jacko's Billie Jean as the second best rock song of all-time. You fuckwits. What was number 1 - a recording of Michael Bolton taking a dump?


• The woman "singing" the national anthem before the start of the Norwood v Central game on ANZAC Day - that was more excruciating than listening to Michael Bolton taking a dump.


• Michaelangelo Rucci and other media goons - for continually blaming the SANFL for the Power and the Crows playing like one-legged dogs. Rucci, you dumb Port wog, wasn't the SANFL in charge when Port won the flag in 2004 and Crows won in 1997 and 1998??? Perhaps you could take a closer look at the recruiting and game styles of both clubs - that has absolutely nothing to do with the SANFL. I'd rather watch a Mike Rann media conference than watch Port or the Crows. If you continually recruit players from clubs like Richmond, Sturt and the WWT Eagles, it is going to only end in tears. Handing the AFL license to the Power board would be like handing the lunatics the keys to the looney bin. Look at some of their recent decisions - re-signing Choco only to sack him a few months later. Overlooking Hardwick and Scott as coaches but hiring Choco's right-hand man in Primus. Not having the balls to sack Motlop. Not showing the Cornes sisters the door. And the "One Port" club has been a resounding success - both the Magpies and Power are crapper than ever! So Rucci, just shut the fuck up and concentrate on what you do best - which is sweet diddly squat.


• The Cornes family – for consistent crimes against common sense, class and human decency


• Graham Cornes (aka Skeletor or old whinging cunt) – anti-Vic, anti-AFL, anti-Liberal, anti-work for a living, society reject. Even hated by some old spastic stutterer called KG who himself is legally retarded.


• Nicole Cornes – Labor whore-for-hire, media hogging trailer trash and Stewey Dew reject, making a mockery of the defamation laws – what Mick Molloy said was a compliment given the old wrinkled prick she has to get into bed with each night. Dumb slut.


• Chad Cornes – overrated and underachieving Port and Glenelg wanker who will go down in history as a Brendan Fevola wannabe, but even failed at that.


• Kane Cornes – kick chasing selfish sheep-dog hated by team mates and opponents alike and a player who has done the least amount with the most possessions in the history of the game, as well as doing the least amount to actually get the ball other than running around the back of some team mate. As Darryl Wakelin once said as Kane ran past demanding the ball “fuck off cunt and go get your own”!


• Lucy Cornes - for her insipid radio talk show. Who in 5aa management thought it would be a great idea to hire a mole who's only qualification is that she is married to a "kick chasing selfish sheep-dog". Isn't it enough that we have to put up with her arseclown of a father-in-law sprouting interminable shit on radio? Wasn't it enough that we had to put up with her slag of a mother-in-law scribbling jibberish in the Sunday Mail?? Isn't it enough that we have to put up with her hubby and brother-in-law dribbling like sprinklers when they open their mouths??? Enough is enough. All Cornes should be banned from media. Vote 1 Mick Molloy.


• Danny Granger, NBA All-Star and Indiana Pacers pillow biter - Danny had a cry because his dirty low-down bunch of retards pretending to be basketballers got flogged by the Chicago Bulls and MVP Derrick Rose, after basically trying every low act in the basketball handbook with the exception of bringing a gun on the court in order to beat the Bulls in the first round play-off series. Only then to sook when they lost 4-1 and say that Bulls Centre Joakim Noah is a dirty player! Pot-kettle motherfucker!!!!! Noah plays with more energy and passion than any player in the league and didn’t say a word or complain whilst getting hacked, smacked, bent over, FUBAR’d and everything else by the Pacers molesters throughout the series, only for Granger to cry into his $15 million per annum cheque because Noah plays with effort and passion. Take a leaf you tosser and you might become relevant to the NBA one day!