Round 22 Nominees

• People who stop you in shopping centres trying to sell you crap - look I realise you work on commission to make a quid but FUCK OFF. No, I don't want to buy a fucking puratap, have my picture taken, try on some fucking moisturiser, buy a new phone, get my gutters done, or rent a fucking treadmill. Just leave me the fuck alone you cunts.


• The fuckhead who ran on Footy Park - shock, surprise the fucking idiot that ran onto Footy Park is a dole bludger. Ya wouldn't have bet on that would ya, he seemed such an intelligent and articulate young gent when interviewed on tv after making a fuckhead of himself. As a result of him being a conscientious non-worker he only has to pay a bare minimum each week towards the $5000 fine he incurred, which when you think about it tax payers like me are in effect really paying for! You slimy little cunt. I can think of a way to recoup some of the money - harvest your organs, obviously there's no brain to take but I'm sure Hinchy or Larry Hagman would pay a few quid for your liver. Bernie Vince might pay some coin for a functioning heart too.


• Essendon Football Club - were asked by Watsonia South Auskick parents if they could donate something towards a fundraising raffle. The Bombers said no worries, we'll give you an autographed footy. A few days later Essendon made contact saying the footy is ready to pick up, it'll cost you $100. Not surprisingly the Watsonia South people said blow it out your arse you tight pack of cunts. And they would have returned the ball anyway when they realised that the only player to sign the ball was Brent Stanton.


• Ch9's "Embarrassing Bodies" - no not Billy Brownless but a tv show that documents and gives graphic inisight into people's disgusting mutations and body issues. Who the fuck wants to see some bloke get up on a counter and have some bird spread his arse cheeks apart like a fucken hotdog bun, or a young bird who can't stop pissing herself? Mind you the old lady who had a couple of growths on her head that looked like a pair of nads was gold.


• Neil Craig - has said the SANFL clubs need to stay open minded on the prospect of Cows and Powder ressies teams in their comp. The only thing a true SANFL fan would be open minded to after hearing that is which orifice to shove a size 12 into you dickhead.


• Lindsay Lohan - failed an alcohol test whilst under house arrest. Do you think she's trying to base her life around 'Angry Boys' rapper S.Mouse?


• Andrew Demetriou - "I get tested as well". Yeah and you tested positive to being a slimy, money grabbing, dishonest, two faced cunt.


• The Rhino that charged Terri, Bindi and Bob Irwin at Australia's Zoo - it stopped a metre short, god damn it - Bindi probably started dancing around like an epileptic High 5 member and scared it off.


• Channel 10 - aren't covering the footy after this year. The one reason people turn over to that shithole of a station and they get rid of it.


• Marksun Pty Ltd - online company marketed Chinese made ugg boots as being Australian made. The reason they got busted is the 'ugg boots' were made from black and white fur not wool. Finally a way to make some money out of those fucking pandas!


• Australia's Funniest Home Videos - since when was watching a 3yr old kid belting another 3yr old kid over and over funny? It's just showing what a feral little cunt the kid is and showing the parents videoing it are right up there with the McCann's as quality parents.


• People who backed Sam Stosur at $1.05 at Wimbledon - next time just burn it ya dopey bastards.


• Brett Duncanson - got a tad sooky after Liberal MP, and Michelangelo Rucci lookalike, Rob Lucas said Duncanson and Mark Haysman should get the arse and that Port's financial woes are self inflicted. Duncanson responded in between sobbing by saying it was "another distraction we didn't need" and after a meeting with Lucas "hopefully, Rob has left our meeting understanding the PAFC is working to the best interest of SA football - as a whole". Fair dinkum, Rob Lucas might look like he's a 6 cone a day man, but he's not a fucking imbecile. The only reason Port do anything is to benefit Port, you might want to put a cork in the (w)hole you call a gob, the volume of shit that's coming out is worse than the spittle from a Cornes brother at an interview.


• Rocco Leo - Agape (wasn't that Con the Fruiterer's daughters' name on the Comedy Company?) ministry leader/con artist has been caught after an exhaustive search by Fijian police of all the resorts, marinas, restaurants and rub and tug outlets around the area. Is this dickhead's name really Rocco Leo or did Freddy Mercury not cark it 30 years ago as we thought and has lived under an assumed name for all this time, because the resemblance is fucken uncanny.


• Agape cult members - for following Rockape to Fiji - did he promise you an all expenses paid holiday - in other words, you fucking imbeciles would pay all his expenses.


• Nick Xenophon - won't hold the balance of power anymore, boohoo poor Nick, I'm sure there will still be plenty of ambulances left for you to chase ya attention seeking git.


• Adelaide Crows - Ian Callinan has been dominating the SANFL comp for years and only just got a look in whilst fuckarses like Cook, Tambling, Douglas, Jaensch, Petrenko have been gifted a fucken game. Who's your recruiting officer - Ray Charles or Stevie fucken Wonder? Just goes to show how little attention the fuckwits actually pay to the SANFL.


• Supercoach points judges - Bernie Vince 136 points against Geelong? You must be fucking kidding me, you dumbfucks realise that just because he's playing like a busted arse that you still aren't allowed to include the stats he rings up in the fucken warm-up, cause that's the only way the cunt would have got to that total.


• ANZ Stadium Officials - left tent pegs in the ground which were discovered by players during the Swans v Pies game. Rays Outdoors come see what we've got - embedded in Jude Bolton's fucking kneecap.


• Mark Webber - came third in the Valencia GP after making a dumbfuck decision to pitstop. Webber graciously blamed himself for not finishing second - so did everyone else dickhead, you fucked up.


• Michael Rischitelli - Gold Coast on-baller who got a cracking clearance against the Western Bulldogs on the weekend, burst free from the pack, ran five metres clear, balanced, lined up his target......... and kicked the ball 50 metres in the wrong fucking direction, straight to a Dogs player who managed to wipe away his tears of laughter long enough to slot a goal. If that was Bernie Vince the supercoach fuckwits would've still given the pillow a score assist.


• Tony Abbott - did ya see the picture of him on a horse on the weekend, I thought it was a fucken camel riding the thing and thought the Moscow Circus are doing some fucken neat tricks these days.


• Greece – for being more financially inept than Port Adelaide. Apparently, Rucci is calling for a better stadium deal at the Coliseum.


• The World’s Ugliest Dog Competition – how come Lady Gaga didn’t win?


• Luke Jarrad – for soiling his shorts when he over-ran the ball when going for what was going to be his first contested possession in his SANFL career against South Adelaide on the weekend. Fucking pillow.


• AFL – for paying Meatloaf at least $600k to sing at the grand final. There are plenty of other fat bastards that could do the same job for a fraction of the price. For example, Scott Cummings, Billy Brownless, Amanda Vanstone.


• Meatloaf – why don’t you make like a bat and go to hell.


• Justin Sherman – is there a dumber footballer going around?? Stupid is as Sherman does.


• The state of music – it’s fucked. Beyonce, Rhianna, Lady Gaga, Kayne, Usher, Bieber, Pink, Katy Perry, James Blunt, Taylor Swift, Good Charlotte, need I go on?


• King Charles Spaniels – fuckwit dogs. They are the Bernie Vince of dogs – prissy little fucking arseholes who spend too much time preening their hair.


• Neil Craig – for a bad case of grasping at straws by lauding the Crows last quarter effort against Geelong. You fuckhead, no wonder the Crows outscored them, the Cats players left the ground at three-quarter time and headed to Cameron Ling’s pub for a frothy.


• Sarah Hanson-Young – for taking on the GLBTI portfolio for the Greens. GLTBI stands for Gay Lesbian Bi-sexual Trans-sexual and Inter-sexual. Since when was the Sturt footy club a federal portfolio?


• Caitlin Berry – for her quote in the Shitvertiser about classifying art: “It’s art, art is not like a movie or porn or anything like that”. In other words, it is not very good.


• Blokes haircuts – fair dinkum, what is wrong with a "short back and sides" or going bald or grey gracefully? Too many blokes are looking bloody stupid with their dyed hair and fucking comb-overs. Eg Mark Harvey, Mark Bosnich, every Crows player, Anthony Toop, Pat Cash, Brad Johnson.


• Stephen Rowe - for one of his dumbest comments yet - "Bernie Vince is back." Ease up, turbo.


• Stephen Rowe and Studley - for calling Crows pillow David McKay, "D-Mac". Pump the brakes, big fella. There is only one D-Mac - former NBL star, Daryl McDonald. Comparing McKay to McDonald is an insult. While McDonald played in 3 NBL championships, won a couple of League MVPs, was a regular in NBL all-star teams and played in the NBL until he was 45, McKay has done sweet fuck all.


• David McKay - for suggesting that Ian "Wing Nuts" Callinan's comment that the Crows need some mongrel meant playing with "an aggressive mindset". Fuck off idiot - by mongrel, Callinan meant going in hard for the ball and knocking a few blokes over in the process. F-Wit, you've come straight out of the Neil Craig School of Cockheads.


• Glenelg - for promoting itself as a gay and lesbian precinct. Makes perfect sense, as their headquarters are already on Brighton Road!


• The article in the Shitvertiser rating Woodville West Torrens as the best developers of AFL talent - what a load of shite. It is a massive case of quantity, not quality. How many Eagles players have played in an AFL flag - maybe one I'd suggest, Shattock at the Lions. The rest are pillow-biting nob jockeys.


• Wankers who voted for Mike Rann - less than 12 months later they are now calling for his head. You voted for him so stop whinging and shut the fuck up.


• U2 - they are about to release a new single. Come on, Bono, it is time to hang up ya boots. I remember you saying once that the moment you put out a crap album, you will quit - well, ya last 3 albums have been absolute shit - so do us all a favour and quit - or is it that you are just a greedy bastard now. Is that why you are dodging paying tax in your beloved Ireland, a country which is struggling big-time? Sticking up for the poor, my arse, you hypocritical cunt.


• The Korean Dog Meat Festival - the event, hosted by the Korean Dog Farmers Association to promote dog meat consumption such as barbequed dog, sausages and steamed paws, was cancelled due to numerous complaints, the most vocal being the dogs themselves. There is a similar event in Adelaide each weekend during the footy season hosted by the Crows and the Power at AAMI Stadium called the Dog Shit Festival.


• Laurie Holden - for the most retarded tipping selection in history - picking the Power to beat North Melbourne. Fuckwit.


• Mathew Primus - for having closed training sessions at the Power. Good one, fuckwit, as if any opposition club would want to steal your gameplan.


• Grunting female tennis players - just another reason not to watch women's tennis. God knows the noise Sharapova makes when she backs out a stubborn brown carpet snake.


• Miley Cyrus - Billy Ray has now inflicted at least three fuckwits on the world - Miley, his mullet, and Achy Breaky Heart.


• McCains - for recalling their Family Cheese and Bacon pizzas for being contaminated with metal. The pizza testers were even more fucking surprised to find some actual traces of bacon on the pizzas too. McCains, you've done it again.


• Warners Music -for trying to trademark the term "Diggers". What a fucking insult to our diggers. This would mean that noone could use the term "diggers" without Warners permission. How about you try trademarking this, Warners - "fuck off, dickheads".


• Rowey - he just opens his cakehole and dumb comments drop out. This time a pearler in describing the Crows' Michael Doughty - "he just gets better and better and better with age. He will be favourite to win the Crows best and fairest". Jesus, Rowey, if Doughty wins their B&F then even Matt Connell would return his piss-coloured jacket.


• Crims who can't spell - 4 fuckwits in the States got jailed for tattooing "Rapest" on a bloke named Stetson Johnston's forehead. Stetson (that name alone was surely grounds for tattooing "fuckwit" on his noggin) apparently asked one of the girls for a Wellington boot and she didn't take the suggestion particularly well. Look, if you weren't sure how to spell "Rapist", then you could have asked Stephen Milne, it is about the only word he can spell.


• AFL's $9 million grant to the SANFL - beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Of the $9 million, $6 million is going to the Power and the SANFL has repay it. Who is giving the SANFL financial advice - Greg Anderson??


• Roger Federer - for blowing a 2 sets to 0 lead over Jo-Wilfred "It's the same old" Tsonga. Roger, I told ya it was fucking dumb idea to take advice from Sammy Stosur.


• Scott Thompson - for this quote straight out of Craig Neil's book of lies, "there is no doubt we have the talent. We just have to get it together for 4 quarters." You knobhead.


• Cricket Australia - for reducing the contract pool for state cricket from $1.5 million to $1 million but at the same time have given $1 million each to the BigBash "franchises". Australian cricket is in more strife than the bank of Greece and the first class system badly needs an overhaul but these cunts at Cricket Australia don't give a rat's arse. They've joined the conga line of suckholes that sell the soul of what makes people passionate about their sport in the first place all in the name of the filthy lucre. You know it is a fucking retarded decision when even Jamie "I Like" Cox says it is fucked. Cricket Australia can go and go and get fucked.


• Marcos Flores - so you didn't leave United for the money offered in China? Gimme a break. I don't need to write a fucking letter to explain my thoughts, I can sum it with one word - "fuckwit".


• The Queensland woman who now claims that a baggage handler planted the drugs in Schappelle's boogie board bag - jesus, really? Haven't heard that one before. I'm waiting for Rucci to claim that it was the SANFL who planted the drugs. For fucksake, Schappelle got caught being very fucking stupid and is now paying the price. Get over it.


• Schappelle - for petitioning the Indonesian President to release her on the grounds of mental illness. I hear ya, Schappelle, I'm petitioning 5AA to release Rowey from his contract on the same grounds.


• Mark Riccuito - for saying that Simon "Mr Footy Punt" Goodwin is a "clear cut choice" to be the next coach of the Crows. Is that right, Roo? What has the prick achieved for you to come to that assessment, apart from being your best mate and business partner? The Bombers are doing really well, aren't they? The cut is about as clear as the cut from a blind, one-armed Indonesian butcher.


• Tasmanian teachers - they have been urged to re-think Tasmania's sex education programs. It might be a wise move to re-think chapter 1 - "nothing says lovin, like marryin ya cousin." And I'd avoid going to Steve Randell for advice again.


• Ninemsn - for this burning question, "What's Next For Lara Bingle?" That's a fucking tough question for Lara to answer - to swallow or not to swallow?


• Julia Gillard - for her picture in today's Chadvertiser, clearly demonstrating how she negotiates with Bob Brown - straight out of the Bingle playbook.


• Rucci - for the headline in his Rucci's Roast column, "SANFL integrity at stake". Fuck off, hypocrite. You have as much integrity as a politician selling used cars.


• Keith Conlon - for describing Hudsons Coffee as "no ordinary coffee". Yeah, Keith, it's not ordinary, it's fucking atrocious. They should rename it "Crudsons".