Summer Series Week 9 Nominees

• Federated Farmers - NZ farming lobby group that wants shearing as a demo sport in the Olympics/Commonwealth Games. According to Groups Meat and Fibre chairwoman ( I'm not making that title up, no bullshit ) Jeanette Maxwell, shearing requires both skill and physical effort. And also requires supreme restraint to be shown from the NZ shearers as they try to resist the urge to root the sheep.



• Fiji TV - reported military leader Frank Bainmarama came second in in poll of personality of the year, then a week later retracted the claim saying he was winner in a re-count and was forced to apologise by the Fijian Commerce Commission. It was an honest mistake they said, now please take my testicles out of that vice.



• The 45 year Spaniard gored to death by a bull with flaming horns - it was later discovered not to be a bull but former 'womens' tennis player Arantxa Sanchez Vicario. Fair dinkum can you believe she's been married twice, two sick bastards have done the dirty with this shaved wildebeest. If you feel like spewing your ring up, google her, the pictures of her look like she was the product of a one night stand when Animal from The Muppetts fucked Jenny Williams. Unfortunately she didn't get Animal's looks.



• The Bulgarian Orthodox Church - discovered whilst searching for a new church leader that 11 out of 15 Bishops were former secret agents. As if the church wasn't shifty enough, imagine going to confession with one of these blokes. Forgive me father for I have sinned, I took the presidents name in vain. Very well my son, for penance I want to to get in the van outside with the two blokes carrying clubs.



• Port Magpies - signed Adam Cockshell. They must have a minimum one fat cunt quota at the Maggies, Lokan goes, the mattress fucker arrives.



• Punjab Institute of Cardiology - supplied a heart medicine that killed at least 25 patients. Not surprisingly none of the current Indian test team were amongst the dead.



• Zimbabwean test cricket team - won the toss in a one-off test v NZ then proceeded to concede 7/495 to the sheep rooters. Things didn't get better, they got skittled for 51 & 143 in a day. If it was the Pakis you'd say it was dodgy but they really are that shit. Well done ICC, great move letting these pricks back into test cricket, obviously Robert Mugabe has been forgiven.



• Humphrey Smith - owner of Samuel Smith Brewery who showed up at The Junction Inn in Greater Manchester and told publicans Peter and Debbie Gibson that he was shutting them down because the heads they put on the pints of beer they served punters weren't enough and they now owed the company $15859 for lost stock in topping up the glasses. Talk about a cunt act, shitcan em for looking after their regulars. How about I sue you for trying to poison me when I tried some of that fucking swill you call beer in England a few years ago you tight prick?



• Crystal Warren - UK woman who claims to have slept with up to 1000 men but blames it on a sex addiction. She's currently undergoing therapy with counsellors Nicole Cornes and Georgie McGuinness.



• Trish Gully - current partner of soon to be jailbird Fabian Francis who claims "He's got a heart of gold" and vowed to spend the rest of her life with him. Yeah a heart of gold, and a fistful of his ex-missus teeth, fucken great bloke. And vowing to spend the rest of your life with that cunt doesn't give you long to go, I'd be using the 15 months he's in the can to enjoy yourself. Go down to Salisbury West Footy Club and get em to send their best wishes, they'd love to catch up with him, you wouldn't have to worry about him bashing you after they rip his fucken arms off.



• The thief in Germany who broke into a car and stole a red plastic box that contained 7 wooden dicks of varying sizes, 100 condoms, ans instructional material for sex-ed classes - we now know the location of Tony McGuinness then.



• North Adelaide Football Club - Appointed James Allan as captain. And you thought North were soft before, they're gonna be softer than Molly Meldrum's dick at The Crazy Horse.



• Marty Clarke - coach of the 36ers who's managed to steer them to last on the table. A job at Port Power awaits.



• Paul Caica - for spending $800,000 on introducing "rubbish police" to stop illegal dumping. You complete and utter punnet head, how about you put your miniscule brain to work and figure out why people dump shit on the street rather than at official dump sites. There is a simple answer fuckface - like every other service the Government is involved, you cunts charge like a wounded bull. Lower the cost of dumping and problem solved.



• Adelaide Bikies - for fucksake, how hard is it to finish off Fuckarelli? Typical fucking Adelaide, no job is ever done right.



• The England cricket team - chasing 140 to win but collapsed to be all out for 72. Nothing dodgy there, although Strauss was seen leaving the ground in a brand new Airbus A380 in English colours.



• Jennifer and Scott Petkov - the American couple who taunted a dying girl on Facebook. To make matters worse they appeared on Dr Phil to apologise. I don't know what is the bigger crime - taunting a dying girl or appearing on Dr Phil?



• The Afghan husband who beat his wife to death because she gave birth to a girl - Jack Riewoldt's father is still on the run.



• Neil Beeson - the pommy cunt who designed a study that suggests women are better at parking than men - how much was spent on this fucking ground-breaking study? The results are not surprising given the study also showed that women spend 21 seconds parking and men 16. It is just like any other meaningless task that women spend inordinate amounts of time on, like getting ready to go out. Get a life, Neil, ya boring fuckwit.



• 20/20 Australian team - great to see some young up-and-comers in the team, such as Lillee, Thomson, Marsh and Walker.



• The fucking animal who got caught shoplifting in a Southern Suburbs hardware store by stuffing goods into his kids pram, then when busted ran off pushing the pram - after one of the staff ran after him he picked up the pram with the kid still in it and dumped it over a fence, and then proceeded to keep running away. What a dead set piece of filth. There are decent people who can't have kids and this fucken scum treats his child like a throw away toy. They should take the kid away for one, then make sure the shitball could never do something like that again. Preferably by stringing him up by his balls with rusty barbed wire. And then caving his fucken head in.



• Wayne Carey - when visiting prisoners in jail, the cockhead got busted for having traces of cocaine on him. Of course, King Carey denied it was his coke. Yeah, righto, Wayne, I suppose you thought that white powder that Ben Cousins gave you was Johnson's Baby Powder.



• Kurt Tippett - for his on-line blog, kurttippett.com.au/blog. What a fountain of wisdom you are Kurt. My favourite blog was Kurt's Kicking Skills, closely followed by, I'm Gonna Fuck The Crows Off Next Year and Head Back To The Gold Coast.



• Egyptian soccer fans - for fucksake, if you want to kill some football supporters, get yourselves on a plane to Australia and make ya way to a Collingwood game - start with that fuckwit, Joffa.



• Tennis Officials - for complaining that junior champ, Luke Saville, included "shitload" in his winner's speech. I gotta say, there are a shitload of fuckwits running Australian tennis. And Serena Williams has a shitload of ass. And Sam Stosur has a shitload of choking in her. And Jim Courier talks a shitload of shit. And Todd Woodbridge is a prissy little bitch.



• Hollywood actresses - for having plastic surgery that turns them into fucking freakshows, you know, looking like a cross between Graham Cornes and Georgina McGuinness.



• Kevin Rudd - will you just fuck right off. We all know Julia Gillard is a fucking idiot but that does not mean we want you back as PM. Take an extended trip to Afghanistan.



• Westpac - making fucking billions and still sacking people.



• Craig Thomson - cunt. You can run but you can't hide, fucker.



• Health Services Union - for giving $600,000 last year to the Labor Party, despite having debts of $19 million. Wouldn't be to help ya former boss, Craig Thomson a hand, would it?



• Christopher Pyne - he has admitted he has no friends on either side of politics. Quote, "It's very hard to be friends with people who want to have the same thing that you want." Yeah, it must be very hard being friends with mincing poodles who want to stick plastic bananas up their arses.



• Speaking of poodles, Councillor Anne Moran - I think you have mis-spelt your surname.



• Police want laws to make bikies talk - how about a law to make Amanda Blair shut the fuck up.



• Neighbourhood Watch - fuckwits, while you were watching ya neighbourhood, ya treasurer was helping herself to $20,000 from ya bank account.



• Bill Vis, head of VIP Home Services - for sponsoring Port Adelaide. Makes sense, I suppose, because there is a big fucking mess to clean up at Alberton.