Chad Nominations - Week 3

• Greater Western Sydney – for their inventive and highly original nickname, The Giants. I’d suggest that it might prove to be an apt name as GWS is going to be a GFU (giant fuck-up).
• Greater Western Sydney – for having the worst team colours in the AFL. The brief to their guernsey design company must have been – find us a colour that is even more fucked than teal.
• Portia DeGeneres/DeRossi/DeLicker – for refusing to be interviewed by Aussie blokes. Still, ya can’t blame her for not wanting to be interviewed by David “the bald-headed chicken fucker” Koch. I’d rather have a conversation about football with Kevin Rudd.
• Australian Federal MPs – for giving themselves a massive pay rise. You complete arseholes. You sit in Parliament and carry on like a bunch of monkeys trying to fuck a football and expect to get paid for it. If you employ monkeys then pay them fucking peanuts. John Conde, who is chair of the Remuneration Tribunal, says ministers are grossly underpaid. He then went on to say that Nathan Hauritz is also grossly underpaid and that Julia Gillard is grossly unattractive. He got one thing right.
• Australian Test Selectors – for selecting a squad of 17 for the first Ashes test. In breaking news, Ricky Ponting and Doug “The Rug” Bollinger have selected a squad of 17 toupees to wear in the first test. Ponting is favouring the Greg Mathews Berber while Bollinger is understood to be keen on the Gooch Fine Denier.
• Qantas – for being as reliable as the current Australian middle order.
• Essendon and Adelaide – for showing interest in Woodville West Torrens pillow-biter, Luke Jarrad. Obviously both clubs have identified the need for a soft prick that sweats off packs and avoids the contest like Kevin Foley avoids salads. I would have thought both clubs already have that need covered - the Crows have Chris Knights and Essendon have Mark Williams (the former Hawthorn contest dodger, not the former Port Adelaide ‘tard). Essendon also identified the need for blokes with no integrity – and so they signed James Turd and Bomber Thompson.
• Mark Webber – for doing a Glenelg by snatching defeat from the jaws of victory at Abu Dhabi.
• Tim Nielsen – for having a sooky la la because of the widespread criticism of the current Australian test team. He described critics as being “uneducated”. Well, Tim, I’d like to compare Ian Chappell’s cricket knowledge with yours, you fuckwit.
• The people of the US – for the real possibility that Sarah Palin will be voted in as the next President of the US. Who will be her deputy? Paris Hilton? At least one bloke won’t be voting for her - Steven Cowan, a 67 year-old rural Wisconsin man who blasted his television set with a shotgun after watching Bristol Palin's (Sarah’s slut of a daughter) Dancing with the Stars routine, saying he was fed up with politics and Ms Palin wasn't a very good dancer.
• Sturt – for signing ex-Glenelg fatty boom bah, Mathew Duldig. They are also rumoured to be on the verge of signing John Candy, Lance Whitnall, Mark Cosgrove, Kim Beazley and Amanda Vanstone.
• One Port Adelaide – now the ferals will have only one club to watch getting pumped each week. What is Michaelangelo Rucci gonna whinge about now?
• Vladimir Moksunov - head of the Russian association of lavatory manufacturers who says Russia must regain its pre-revolutionary status as the country with the best lavatories in the world. He said, "Before the revolution of 1917 the quality of lavatories in Russia was the best of the world. The state of public lavatories is generally seen as a disgrace in Moscow, with citizens having to endure stinking and ageing facilities even though they usually have to pay for the privilege of using them.” The same could be said about politicians in Australia, and South Australia in particular.
• Pauline Hanson - for changing her mind about leaving Australia to live in England because it is not the racially pure Utopia she thought it was. The fact that there are 500,000 kids born there all called Mohammed might have given you a subtle hint, you fuckwit.
• Andrew Demetriou - for bullying the SANFL clubs into voting for the Port Adelaide merger and thereby setting the stage for the end of the SANFL as we know it. Demetriou, you fat dumb pig, the SANFL has existed as a football competition long before the AFL and even VFL and it is real football not the plastic tripe that you have turned the AFL into. So keep ya greasy nose out of our business.
• The Royal Engagement - who gives a shit if a balding ponce who was born with a silver spoon up his arse is going to marry a stuck-up gold-digger who will end carking it anyway in a car crash driven by a pissed Frenchman while she's rooting a rich Arab in the backseat of the car.
• David Hussey - for commenting about brother Mike's 18-ball duck against Victoria, "I actually thought he played pretty well." Apparently, Hussey's fondest memories of Greg Chappell's career are when he scored 7 ducks in a row.