Week 33 Nominations

• Mohammed Bin Hammam - disgraced Asian football chief has claimed race was a factor in his lifetime ban from football over bribery charges. So being a shonky, dishonest, lying cunt wasn't the reason was it you fuckwit? I'd stop playing the race card and start trying to find a get out of jail free card if I was you, fucknut.


• Rafael Nadal - cried like a bitch because US Open officials wanted him to play on a slippery surface. Boo fucken hoo, ya get paid millions of dollars to play, stop ya fucken sooking. Take off the moulded soles and put on the spikes, wouldn't that make games more interesting, or should I say less fucken boring. Tennis has gone down the shitter, bring back McEnroe, Connors and that big fat cunt Bobo Zivionovic. And Rafa, it is about time you got a pair of Reg Grundys that don't ride up ya Jatz Cracker.


• Andy Roddick - see Nadal.


• Andy Murray - see Roddick. How long before Andy Murray does another Greg Norman impression?


• Muammar Gaddafi - this cunt is harder to find than that Wally prick in those kids books. Give you a clue, watch Before The Game on ch10, he's masquerading as Mick Molloy, the likeness is fucken uncanny.


• Bob Katter and Nick Xenophon - walked down Rundle Mall with aprons with their names emblazoned on them to protest at fresh produce prices. Why did you two dickheads think you'd need to put your fucken names on the aprons, everyone unfortunately knows who you are, unless you thought people were going to confuse you with Lionel Hutz and the Texan tycoon from The Simpsons.


• David George Simpson - fucken deviate who got a suspended sentence for possessing kiddie porn who co-authored kids books with renowned writer Colin Thiele. What fucken book did you help write - the BFG - the Baby Fiddling Grandpa? Suspended sentence - get fucked, they should suspend pricks like this up by their nads with barbed wire.


• Cameron Denbesten and Stewart Kift - got fired in May for planking at work and putting it up on Facebook (fucken Facebook, it's a bigger cancer than the fucken Cornes family). Now they've been fined $1500 each after Worksafe Victoria charged them under the OH&S Act which requires employees to take responsible care of their own safety on the workplace. Well done dumbfucks, fine the cunts another $10000 for being complete fuckwits while you're at it.


• GWS - Grogan Western Sydney have signed up The Chad on a 2 year contract, the second of which is to be as a strength and conditioning coach. Fucken hell, they're not looking real hard are they for coaches, the most strength The Chad has displayed recently is holding up his ego and the leaky 1000L rainwater tank he calls a fucking head.


• Mary Jo Fisher - Australia's answer to Ronnie Biggs has said the reason she left the supermarket without paying for her groceries was she realised she didn't have enough cash and went to call someone to bring her the money, on her Maxwell Smart shoe phone.When asked if she told any of the supermarket staff of her intentions she responded " no, I'm stupid ". Ah no, you're a fucken thief.


• Angus Graham - Richmond ruckman under investigation for allegedly slapping a woman at a pub on Mad Monday celebrations. Jack Reiwoldt has decided not to press charges.


• James Webber - for his response to The Crapvertiser streettalk question - "Should serial fine dodgers have their cars impounded" - fuckwit replied - "No. Because people that are serial offenders are normally serial offenders for a reason - they get themselves into debt". What? What the fuck has that got to do with the price of fucken tea in China you fuckhead. Serial offenders are serial offenders because they continue to be serial fuckwits, therefore take the cunts cars away and crush the fuckers, preferably with some of the wankers still in them.


• KG Cunningham - wants to move Brownlow night to ease distractions for Grand Final bound players and to curb the pissheads at the event. Go and get fucked you gibbering old monkey, stop trying to take away the remaining shreds of tradition left in the game and shut your porky pig sounding mouth up. And cut out those shithouse ads for solar panels, it's pronounced solar not fucken sowler you retard.


• The guy dressed as Gumby who tried to rob a convenience store - at first the clerk told him to fuck off as he thought he was taking the piss, but Gumby claimed he had a gun, which he then reached into his Gumby pants to produce. Unfortunately, his green gloves proved a bastard of an inconvenience as he fumbled like Brett Stanton under a high ball and proceeded to produce nothing but 26 cents which crashed to the ground as he bid a hasty retreat, one can only assume onto his Gumby horse. Brad Moran has been taken in for questioning.


• Paul Chapman - Geelong footballer who spends half his fucken time on the ground with arms outstretched pissing and moaning about getting frees. Unless you're advertising fucken Rexona, pull your fucken head in, put your fucken arms down, and concentrate on getting the ball ya cunt. [Laurie Holden - sounds like the Chad Editor has a dose of sour grapes. Suck the fuck in, you Hawthorn fucker. Funny, Buddy Franklin was also pissing and moaning on the ground too.]


• Serena Williams - for her less than gracious demeanour during her match against Sam Stosur. Quote bushpig to the central umpire "Don't look my way. If you ever see me walking down the hall, walk the other way". Well I don't even like looking at you on fucken tv, ya ape, it makes me want to fucken spew, ya look like Collingwood's Chris Dawes with a tin of kiwi boot polish on his fucken face. And if you're walking down a hall you'd have to walk the other way, with an arse the size of Port Power's debt no cunt could get past you could they you ugly mole. And thanks for nothing getting rolled by Stosur, how the fuck are we supposed to take the piss out of her now she's actually fucken won something?


• Roberta Williams - I just fucken shuddered even thinking about her, fuck she's a pig. She's had a shitload of plastic surgery done and still looks like Jeannie Pratt's ugly sister. She also claims ex-root Carl Williams was a placid person and wasn't aware of most of his "work" outside their house. He was a placid fellow, somewhat in the vein of Robert Mugabe. And if you expect anyone to believe you didn't know about his criminal life, you're dumber than you look, and that's fucken saying something. She actually looks a bit like Tracy Grimshaw, hope they smashed that fucken mould when they saw what it produced, the quicker they ban pitbulls the better.


• Mix 102.3 - you stupid fucks, we'd managed to run that slag Amber Petty out of town and you cunts have brought her back to replace Jodie Blewett (or whatever her fucken last name is these days, she of the Dean Brogan chin). Vomit bags at the ready. And watch out young blokes aged 18-25, the female Kevin Foley is back in town.


• al Saadi Gaddafi - Muammar's son has just scarpered over the border quicker than Alan/Wayne Stringer after sniping someone from behind, pissweak cunt.


• Tom Scully - "did not play footy for money". With the ability to lie like that whilst keeping a straight face you should be representing Mary Jo Fisher at her trial.


• Darren Berry - for squealing about losing Aiden Blizzard and Keiron Pollard to their Indian franchises for the upcoming IPL Champions League. What the fuck did you expect, it's a corrupted version of the game run by corrupt officials (dare I say scoundrels), it'd be like going to a dogfight and realising after you've put your bet on that your dog is fucken blind. Tough titties cunt, you sleep in the sewer you're gonna get covered in shit.


• Janet Hardt - 63 year-old Illinois woman who died shortly after injecting hot beef fat into her own face in a form of home cosmetic surgery. Jeez, normally chicks are supposed to enjoy receiving a hot beef injection.


• Carl Rackemann - for joining Bob Katter's Mad Hatter Party. Who is Bob going to sign up next? Dirk Tazelaar?


• Mike Rann and his cunt government - for charging farmers for using water from their own dams that they built and paid for. Fuck off, Mike. Jay, what have you got to say? Weak bastard.


• Naomi Pollard from Port Pirie - for this pearler in the Chadvertiser in response to the question, "Should euthanasia be legalised?" - "No. As a Christian I believe God is in control of life and death, not humans." Is that right? So, you are the result of a root between ya mum and God, hey? And God piloted the planes that crashed into the Twin Towers, did he? Fucking Christians.


• Fox 8 - for allowing fucking Rove back on air in his new show/piece of wank, Rove LA. Why don't you do us all a favour and join Hamish and Andy on the Qantas flight, "Buddy Holly".


• Kevin Rudd - for being the biggest twit in politics by having 1 million followers on his Twitter account. Get a fucking life, people.


• The people who want Krudd back as PM - ya fucking what? Are you people fucking retarded?


• Kevin Rudd - for racking up over $1 million in travel costs in under a year. Fair suck of the sauce bottle, ya cunt. Talk about snouts in the trough. I thought Labor were supposed to be the working man's party? What a load of shit.


• The Catholic Church - for wanting to improve it's image by improving the way it markets itself to the media. Get fucked. You can improve your image by stop being cunts and do the right thing and shoot all those fucking kiddy-fiddling priests. No surprises to find that advising the church on spin is none other than Mike Rann's brother, Chris. Chris told them "they should not try to hide negative issues but rather be open and transparent". Chris, have you ever given that advice to your cunt of a brother? And are Monsignor Cappo and Archcunt Philip Wilson listening?


• Miss Universe organisers - for blasting Australia's Sherri-Lee Biggs (she sounds like a someone who would shag Richard Pratt) for her overly revealing swimwear and evening gown. Fair dinkum, first they complain about Miss Colombia going commando and now this. Why not just fucking wheel Susan Boyle out.


• Niall "Celebral" Pawsey - the 20 year-old law student drowned while swimming across the Thames to celebrate winning a bet to stay sober for a month. He and his mates had earlier been kicked out of a pub for singing football songs - the straw that broke the camel's back was when they launched into "we're the pride of South Australia...."


• Fev - yep, AFL clubs are going to be lining up to sign Fev - not to play but to fertilize their pot plants around the club.


• Tiger Airways new CEO, Andrew David - both Craig David and Neil Craig are fucking spewing that they missed out on the job.


• Madison Ashton - slut.


• Watching SpongeBob - according to some nob jockeys, watching 9 minutes of SpongeBob can cause short-term attention and learning problems in 4 year-olds. The same applies to watching any of the following - Port Power, Rove, Hamish and Andy, The Renovators, Julia Gillard, Tracey Grimshaw, Better Homes and Gardens, Serena Williams, Liverpool (The Chad Editor - sounds like Laurie Holden has also got a dose of the old sour grapes after Liverpool knocked off his fairybread pack of cunts Arsenal earlier in the season. [Laurie Holden - you can go and fuck off, Chad Editor, I bet you were fucking "stoked" with Liverpool's shithouse performance against Stoke City] and the X Factor.


• HP sauce - Heinz have decided to change the taste of this traditional English sauce by reducing the salt content, resulting in the casts of East Enders and Coronation Street to start a riot.


• Kyle Reimers - this guy has to be the biggest dickhead playing football today. After Chris Yarran kicked the ball out of bounds on the full very early in the first quarter, Reimers thought it would be a clever thing to do to get in Yarran's face and give him a spray. You fuckwit. That might be passable if your team was 15 goals up against the Blues, but fucking dumb and unforgivable just minutes into the game. If James Hird's brain is as big as his ears (and lies) then he should give Reimers the arse. But really hope he stays though...


• Essendon - James Hird has really taken the Bombers to a whole new level - a whole new level of crapness. Despite the presence of "the world's greatest coaching panel" and their favourite jug-eared lying son of a bitch in charge, they still served up exactly the same shit they delivered under Matty Knights.


• Nickleback - for thinking that the record buying public would have the fucking poor taste to want to buy two of their singles/turds at the same time. They should give those singles away to people who are constipated, like Julia Gillard. Fair dinkum, the way she fucking waddles around you would think she had a stubborn brick waiting to back out.


• Mark Scott - head of the ABC for pulling the plug on SANFL coverage. You fuckwit. You'll pull the plug on footy but will keep crap like The Collectors and Tuesday Night Book Club on air. The cunt was quoted as saying the ratings for the Norwood v South game were as low as 5,000 - but the turd failed to mention the other end of the equation that as many as 44,000 tuned in to watch at some stage. How many fuckers watch The Collectors? I'd say about 3 - Bernie Finnigan, Malcolm Fox and Monsignor Dempsey. Give me my tax money back, you bitch.


• Monsignor Ian Dempsey - for denying he is an alleged fucking dirty fucking filthy cunt of a kiddy-fiddler. In his statement of denial he said he was going on holidays - let me guess the destination, fucking Thailand?


• Spokeswoman for the Catholic Church of SA - for saying they were "appalled at the use of parlimentary privilege" and "it was grossly unjust and unfair" in response to Nick Xenophon's outing of allegations surrounding Dempsey. Funny, I have never heard similar statements come out of the Catholic Church about the many kids that have been abused at the hands of Catholic fucking priests over hundreds and hundreds of years. I'm fucking appalled by the hypocrisy of the Catholic Church.


• Caius Veiovis - the triple murder suspect and Satanist (and probably a fan of Nickelback)fronted up to his police mugshot with horn implants, multiple piercings and '666' tattooed on his forehead. Fuck me, why is he a suspect?


• Tony Dey - for reporting Norwood's Bryce Campbell for rough conduct when all he did was have his eyes on the footy and make high contact with an opposition player also attacking the ball. You are a fucking deadshit Dey.


• Delta Goodrem - we know you are fucking fame whore but you've hit rock bottom by dating a fucking 12 year-old Justin Bieber wannabe.


• SA Dept of Transport - for suggesting that too many carparks and low cost of parking is responsible for people not catching public transport into town. Bullshit. Public transport in this town is a fucking joke and we have Fat Pat Conlon to thank for that. The cunt has been sitting on his fucking fat arse for a decade and done sweet diddly squat to improve the public transport system. What has the prick achieved - a fucking tram that can't run in summer and is bloody full before it leaves Glenelg (a bit like Mark Mickan) and then takes a fucking half an hour to go from South Terrace to North Terrace. Rod Hook, you should shut the fuck up. Can I smell another fee increase coming? Cunts.


• Spotless - the commercial manager of the new super school, Roma Lezzo Mitchell Secondary School, for making kids take off their shoes before they enter a classroom and for not allowing the display of the kids work on walls or hung from ceilings. Just re-name the fucking school, "Gulag". Super Jay Weatherill has come to the rescue saying he "would look into the teacher's concerns". In other words, he will do no such thing.


• Burnside Council - for quickly cutting down a tree that had killed Rebecca Jolly (and had been the subject of calls for its removal for sometime before the accident) and in doing so destroying evidence that would have gone before the Coroner's Court. This council is dodgier than the Indian Cricket Board.


• Pauline Hanson - for stripping on Celebrity Apprentice. I've just spewed in my mouth at the thought of that.


• McCain Foods - for standing down 300 production workers without pay after a strike by maintenance staff. Ah, McCain, you've done it again. Cunts.


• Paul McCartney - for getting married again. You silly fuckwit. What has this one got missing? A brain? Hope you have a decent pre-nup this time. Apparently, Heather Mills would give her right leg to be at the reception.


• Big Tobacco - for trying to use The Castle in its case against plain paper packaging. Fuck off. Tell em they're fucking dreamin'.


• Police are hunting two bandits who robbed a McDonald's store in Sydney's west armed with a firearm on Wednesday morning - one suspect looked like a fucking clown and the other is pictured below


• Bonny Nash - ignorant dumbfuck who responded to the Crapvertiser Street-talk question - "Do you think the ABC should still be broadcasting the SANFL?" - with this fuckwitted quote, "I don't really watch the SANFL, the AFL is more important". You are a bona fide fucking minda. The SANFL shits on the AFL as an example of how football should be played, Demetriou's shit has obviously hit home with you, which proves you know fucking nothing about football. Any football follower worth their salt knows damn well that the ABC should pull their heads out of their arse and keep the SANFL games on tv, it's fuckwits like you that just don't get it. It's people like this that are being pandered to by Demetriou and his gimps to the detriment of the game and its true followers.


• Jordan Lewis - balding, mouthy, little fucking sniper. A typical Hawthorn "hard-man" - good had a throwing an elbow at a bloke who has his eyes on the ball but never puts his own fucking head over the ball. Weak as piss.


• Campbell Brown - ex-Hawthorn and now Gold Coast "hard-man". This time arrested for throwing punches at an off-duty Thai police officer. The fact that Brown was nude when arrested suggests the victim wasn't a copper but a lady-boy.


• Edward White - arsonist and dumbfuck. After setting fire to Unley High School he texted his mates and posted that he did it on Facebook. Run, Forrest, Run.


• Ruth Angelica Gomez - US teenager who took $17,000 in donations after claiming that she had terminal leukemia. The bitch is facing theft charges after police determined she was not sick. Her initials sum it for me - fucking RAG.


• Mike Tindall - England rugby skipper and recently married to Zara Phillips, granddaughter of Britain's Queen Elizabeth II, is in strife following allegations he'd behaved inappropriately on a night out during the World Cup in New Zealand, saying he was just "relaxing" when he "kissed and groped" a blonde while watching a dwarf-throwing contest. The dwarf in question, Grant Denyer, had no comment but the blonde, Lara Bingle, said she enjoyed every second of the groping.


• R U Ok day - with the amount of fuckwits wandering about, the answer is, "no, no I'm fucking not!!!"