Week 31 nominations

• So Elite - the greyhound owned by a group of Port Power players. Surely, the name of this fucking dishlicker is an ironic joke.



• Jai Bednall - for suggesting that Dean Terlich should be in the SANFL team of the year. How about going to watch a Norwood game instead of getting your tips from Dean.



• Steve Hooker - unlike most hookers, he woke up "not feeling it" and dudded out of the World Champs.



• Australian cricket - there is no Aussie in the ICC World Cricket XI - however, Andrew Hilditch was named chairman of selectors and Tim Nielsen head coach of the World Fuckwit XI.



• Channel 7 - for planning to increase the coverage of the WAGS at this year's Brownlow Medal ceremony. For fucksake, gimme a break - I don't wanna see Tanya Buckley's happy sacks ever again. They have have also planned to increase the coverage of the SLAGS at this year's Chad Medal ceremony.



• Karl O'Callaghan - WA State Emergency Services boss, for having his snout in the trough in a corporate box at the cricket while Perth Hills was burning down.



• Lainie Anderson's husband - he would "rather have his eyeballs waxed than have Tony Abbott as PM". Funny, I would rather have my nurries waxed than read the fucking crap that Lainie serves up.



• Kark Stefanovic - for his efforts in launching Richard Wilkins' memoirs - "I know three things about Richard - great bloke, big hair, massive cock." Ah, Karl, you fucking pissed minda, you left "head" off the end of that sentence.



• Paul Holloway - former SA planning minister has defended his stance on the Mt. Barker re-development after successor John Rau said it should not be repeated. Quote - "I stand by my decisions; I stand by everything I did". Does that include wasting $94,000 of tax payers money paying Nicole Cornes to advise you on what fucken suit you should wear to make you more attractive to the ladies? Holloway? More like fucking Hollowman.



• Queensland Premier's Literary Award - has short-listed David Hick's book for the award. You fuckwits. Also short-listed is Bernard Finnigan's "Downloading For Dumnmys" and Mike Rann's memoir, "Fuck, I'm An Annoying Cunt". I was fucking surprised that Dickie Wilkins' wank job didn't make the cut.



• Sonia Hermosillo - US woman who threw her 7 month old son from the 4th floor of a hospital parking garage leaving him in critical condition. You evil cunt.



• Daniel James Smout - previously nominated for starting a fire in Paracombe by chucking molotov cocktails, and then denying he intended to make them. Dickhead features got a taste of justice when sentenced to a minimum 11 months jail where he may well be the recipient of a random cock in the tail from Molotov the Russian stand-over cunt.



• Robert M Vernon - Aussie expat used car salesman who is facing up to 20 years jail in the US for the firebombing of a New York government building. Vern wants to serve his sentence in Australia. Fuck off. We've already got enough crooked used car salesmen over here for fucksake, do we really want this cunt giving Craig Riccuito any more tips?



• US prosecutors in the Robert M Vernon case - aren't going to oppose his request to serve his time in Australia. You cunts this means war, we're gonna send David Hicks, and for good measure his cunt of an old man, back to you pricks. And can ya take back that slapper Brynn Edelston too, while ya at it. And that fucking smug yanky cunt on the Gruen Factor.



• Tony Abbott - has (quite rightly) gone to town on rub-and-tug addict Labor MP Craig Thomson, yet is defending old light fingers Liberal MP Mary Jo Fisher just because she's as mad as Bob Katter after 10 beers and a dinner party at his poo-punching brother's joint. Theft is theft, Tony, and you should know, you knocked off Alfred E Neumann's ears years ago. And Julia Gillard pinched Alfred's brain.



• The 1,700 people who gathered at Wellington Zoo to celebrate the return to Antarctica of the emperor penguin who was found on a NZ beach - I know life in NZ is slow, but it's a fucken penguin for christ sake. The poor cunt should thank its lucky stars it's not a sheep.



• Tegan Gould - Ricky Nixon's girlfriend who commented on the early days of their relationship - "At first I didn't want a bar of him [or his bar], but he chased and chased me" . There's a term for that, it's called stalking.



• Ingvar Kamprad - founder of Ikea has been found to have had youthful ties with Nazi groups. Fucking figures, only a fucking Nazi cunt would make blokes use a fucking god damn allen key to put a fucking bookshelf together. Ingvar, you can stick ya allen key up ya fucking arse.



• Lady Gaga - dressed up like Freddie Mercury at the recent MTV Music Awards, nearly giving co-presenter of an award Brian May a fucken heart attack. She/he/it should've been presenting the award with Norrie the fuckwit from Sydney who wants to be known as neither male or female.



• Brian May - for fucksake, get a haircut.



• Eldercare - for trying to explain why the family of an 88 year old resident found a cockroach bait in a soap dish with her toothbrush. Perfectly simple explanation - they were only trying to catch the old cunt's dinner.



• Geoffrey the truckie from Caloundra - had $50,000 worth of his wife's gold jewellery stashed in garbage bags to fool burglars then promptly went and chucked the bags out. You fucking dickhead, Geoffrey. You certainly fooled them didn't you, no cunt's gonna find the jewellery underneath two metres of compacted garbage, including you, you complete and utter fuckwit. When interviewed, Geoffrey didn't want to disclose his surname, but was quite happy to have his face on tv. I'm quietly confident that if you have a scroll through the Caloundra white pages and looked under the surname "Dumbfuck" there would be a Geoffrey in front of it.



• Ryan Smith - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh ................. FUCKEN BANG! Charles Darwin is proven right once again. Score another notch on the belt for natural selection, as Ryan went arse up whilst trying to "tag" (ie fucking vandalise) a bridge on the southern expressway and went fucken splat on the rocks below. Here's a tag for you, "Ryan Smith is a fuckwit".



• Ryan Smith's mates - the day after Ryan did a dive bomb off the bridge, his mates got together and thought it would be a great idea to tag (ie fucking vandalise) the bridge he didn't quite manage to complete. Is it just me or should the police be allowed to fucken shoot people for being complete fuckwits?



• Jane Doyle - for suggesting that graffiti is art. Is that right, Jane? Well, I suppose you won't mind if I come around to your house with a can of spray paint and write, "fuckwit" on your house, will ya, it's all in the name of art, of course.



• Dr Keong Gan - filthy fucking dentist, with rusty instruments and bloodstains found in his surgery. You'd feel safer visiting Dr Phillip Nitschke to get your teeth fixed than that cunt.



• Port Adelaide - for re-signing Alipate Carlile. This prick is fat, lazy and stupid. You may as well sign up Pat Conlon/Wang Wang/Funi.



• Port Adelaide - for complaining that people keep referring to them as "Port Power". I'd suggest that is far better than most of the fucking names ya shit club has been referred to as this year. Eg fuckarse clowns, Fitzroy, Rucci's Roots, Haysman's Hacks, Duncansen's Dickwads, Primus's Pincushions, Laidley's Lardarses.



• Port Power - actually got into a position where they might win a game against Essendon, leading by nearly 6 goals in the last quarter and choked like Michael Hutchence in a fucken hotel room. Draft picks anyone?



• Paul Giles - fair dinkum, where the fuck do The Advertiser look for people to write in their paper - SCOSA, Alberton? Paul Giles has joined other luminary shit dribblers in this marvellous publication in getting a nomination for his efforts at suggesting a good idea for Father's Day. Over to you fucknut - "Spending a day at the footy is the perfect way to celebrate Father's Day. It's also a chance to support the sport at grass-roots (that's not a fucken typo by me by the way ) level, with two SANFL games on Sunday. Norwood plays West Adelaide at 2.10pm at Coopers Stadium, while the Eagles take on Sturt at the same time, at Woodville Oval ". That's right is it? Try this on for size fuckhead, Norwood are playing Central at Elizabeth Oval at 2.10pm on Saturday, Eagles are playing West at Woodville Oval also on Saturday, and Sturt have the fucken bye. Good research fuckhead, if you know nothing about the topic, don't fucken bother. Mind you it hasn't stopped Susie O'Brien, Ken McGregor, Nicole and Graham and fucken Lucy Cornes, Rucci, Amber Petty and the other Advertiser 'columnists' from keeping their fucken jobs has it.



• Nicole Cornes - managed to screw another $8,000 out of Ch10 for legal fees in the Mick Molloy 'defamation' case. Apparently, Mick's apology wasn't sincere enough - "Sorry, for suggesting Stewie rooted you. I was wrong. He wouldn't have rooted you, his surname isn't Phillis". But as Nicole said it wasn't about the money, no it wasn't just about money, it was about money and attention-fucking-seeking. For fucksake send the whole fucken Cornes clan over to Libya with t-shirts with pictures of Gaddafi saying 'the rebels take it up the arse from Mohammed's cock'.



• Arsenal - got fucken towelled up by Man Utd 8-2. When asked for comment manager Arsehole Wenger replied the team had been taking tips from Port Power [L. Holden is fucking spewing].



• Didier Drogba - Chelsea fairy who knocked himself out and bled like a stuck pig after headbutting Norwich goalkeeper John Ruddy's fist. To make matters worse for the softcock, Drogba was later cited for unsportsmanlike conduct for the headbutt, because he's a cunt, and for looking like the alien from Predator with a fucken pineapple on his head.



• Margaret Nyland - Supreme Court Justice who imposed an indefinite prison sentence on paedophile Mark Trevor Marshall in 2009 after declaring he was unable or unwilling to control his sexual urges, then last month said he could apply for release when appropriate accomodation was found. Appropriate accomodation? Like a fucking kindy I suppose, you stupid cow. Get fucked, the appropriate accomodation for a cunt like that is down a fucken mine shaft and filled with concrete, you know, the same spot where you can find Peter Falconio.



• The thieves who broke into a British museum to steal rhino horns but left with fakes - luckily Geoffrey from Caloundra foiled them by putting the real rhino horns in a garbage bag that was last seen at Wolverhampton tip.



• The mate of The Chad Editor - for chastising him for "going a bit far" at last weekends clash between Centrals and Port Magpies at Alberton after he yelled out to Matthew Lokan that he was "a bald headed chicken fucker". A mate he might be, but he's way out of line. Facts are facts, Matthew Lokan is bald AND fucks chickens. End of fucking story. So all the vitriol/constructive criticism thrown at him was definitely appropriate.



• The Centrals supporter at Alberton last weekend who chucked a flare - listen here fuckface, the club doesn't need or want fucking cockheads like you at games (I'm talking to you Grant Coffee). You are a blight on the club, the game, and human kind in general. Centrals has been trying its best to tidy up its image (good fucking luck - L. Holden) and all retards like you manage to achieve is to give ammunition to whiny bitches like the Glenelg ensemble and undo all the hard work the club has been trying to achieve. I implore any doggies supporters who read this blog, if you see this cunt try this again, take the flare from him and shove it up his fucking arse. Fuck off and don't come back to any more games, you're not welcome you cunt (did you hear that Ian Callinan?).



• Matthew Primus - "You saw by the actions of the club on Sunday (against Essendon at Etihad Stadium) that we're going out there to win games". Funny, because all I saw on Sunday was a team of pissweak arseholes get themselves into a winning position then flush it down the shitter. And anyway, Port are fucking useless, how the fuck would you be able to tell if they were tanking? Just play like you've been doing all year Matty and the spoon is yours. Use your pick 4 wisely in the draft, I hear John Rombotis is still running round.



• Jelena Dokic - Aussie/Serb/Aussie/Serb what country does she fuck play under the banner of these days tennis player, check out the picture of her in Wednesday's Crapvertiser, she looks a dead fucken ringer for Rodney Hogg in the picture of him trying to belt Kim Hughes in a test against the Windies in the late seventies. Is it just coincidence that her tennis career has been in the shitter since she had that mole (which had an uncanny resemblance to Venus Williams) taken off her face a few years ago? While Jelena has struggled, the mole she removed has gone on to bigger and better things, it's now Prime Minister of Australia, for the time being.



• Brad Moran - hahahahaha, retiring at your peak you fuckwit. Apparently he held a press conference (attended by one work experience kid from The Peterborough Times) to announce his new business venture (an iPhone ordering business - see follow-up nomination) and retirement at the same time without telling the Adelaide Crows about it. The Crows responded by saying they forgot they'd left the cunt on their list in the first place. And would you trust a business run by that cunt, if it's anything like his football 'career' it would be slow, shit, and continually breaking down.



• Brad Moran - for his iPhone application, NoQ. What is ya follow-up, cockhead, the FarQ? You having fucking NoClue.



• Brad Moran - retired because of "mental anguish". What the fuck? Did ya run out of fucking hair gel and peroxide at the club, cunt? You will be remembered fondly as a cunt who looked like Jane and played like Jane.



• The Labor Party - for leaving a cheat sheet of answers to media questions in Parliament. I've seen it and here are a few examples. Q: "Does Craig Thomson like a rub and tug?" A: "Fucken oath he does". Q: "Does Julia's wife look like Frankie J. Holden?" A: "Fucken oath he does." Q: "Is Chris Bowen a deadset fuckwit?" A: "You fucking bet he is."



• The lawyers who advised the Federal "Government" that the Malaysia solution was legal - who the fuck was the lawyer, The Simpsons' Lionel Hutz? Eugene fucking McGee?



• Mem Fox - and the Oscar goes to ....... drumroll ........ Mem Fox for her acting work outside the courthouse. Whenever a camera came near Mem and her sex offending cunt of a husband Malcolm, Mem clutched onto him like she was a fucken victim to be felt sorry for. Mem couldn't be here to accept the award in person, so her acting coach Nicole 'Joan of Arc ' Cornes will accept the Oscar in her place. Possum fucking Magic alright - you can stick ya books up ya arse.



• Malcolm Fox - found guilty of sex offences against a minor, but managed to avoid jail the filthy cunt. Did ya try some of Mem's acting to con the judge you fucken animal? Also interesting to see is that judging by the colour of his shirt and tie it would appear that Malcolm is a Sturt supporter - not a big fucking surprise. No doubt Mal spent his first night of freedom watching re-runs of The Collectors and catching up on some dvds sent to him by Bernie Finnigan. Cunt.



• Graham Cornes - for the most pissweak re-enactment in history of his mark in the dying seconds of the '73 GF. While we're getting nostalgic how about another Glenelg historical re-enactment, the one where Fred Phillis started slipping the tiger to Pam. And the one in the changerooms at the Bay Oval when Studley slipped one up Tony Symonds jatz cracker.



• The Advertiser - it's a fucken ripper publication isn't it, fucken minda contributors and they can't even get the pictures of the people they are doing articles about right. The story about cord free bungee jumper Ryan Smith's date with a rockery contained a picture of another kid named Ryan Smith who had nothing to do with the article in any way. This is supposed to be the major newspaper in this state for fucksake, jesus we're in strife. They also got the picture wrong when covering Chad Cornes' retirement press conference, putting in a picture of an incontinent vagina instead of Chad, which in their defence could easily be mistaken for him.



• Richard Douglas - fuck me, he's a genius, he'll be the next coach of Port for this illuminating pearl of wisdom - "don't handball to a bloke standing still." Ya just learned that one, did ya, Dicky, ya fuckwit? Here is another one you might want to take on board, "put ya fucking head over the ball."



• The Crows - for squealing on the push-up king, Richmond's angry smurf, Jake King. So Jake laid a hard tackle on one of ya poofters? Fuck off. Bickley, you haven't changed one bit since ya SAPSASA days when ya cried like a fucking baby for ya mummy when you were billeted out with a family in Vale Park, quote from Bicks at the time, "waa waa I want mummy waa waa". The Port Pirie smelters really fucked up ya brains.



• Craig Mottram - for once again failing to make a World Championship final. You are the male Stosur.



• Jeff Giescen - just fuck off will ya, ya old spastic cunt. This time he has decided to crack down on how blokes run-in to kick goals. Piss off. Focus on some issues that really matter, like pinging blokes who get tackled and throw the ball away or not rubbing out blokes who tackle or give legitimate shirt-fronts. You are ruining football. Just F-U-C-K-O-F-F - fuck off.



• The Progressive Insurance Ad - the one with the "fantastic-er-er-er" tag line. Fuckwit-wit-wit-wit.



• Russell Brand - he is now an ordained minister in the US and the cunt has been marrying people. I don't know what would be fucking worse - getting married by Russell or some fat Elvis impersonator. The only consolation is that Russ is only qualified to handle marriages between cousins - so far he has received a shitload of work from the Westhoff family.



• Ron Paul - Republican cunt who has argued against US Federal support for victims of Hurricane Irene. Just another piece of evidence in support of the theory that all blokes who have a Christian name as a Surname are fair dinkum cunts. Other examples include Neil Craig, John Anthony, Grant Thomas and Andrew Hilditch (ok, so I have no evidence of anyone naming their kid "Hilditch" but he's still a fucking deadset cunt and deserves another mention.)



• The New Zealand woman who lost a bag filled with cannabis and was arrested when she tried to reclaim it as lost property from the local police station. She claimed that Qantas baggage handlers stole it.



• Kim Kardashian - for her debut single Jam (Turn It Up). I like the b-side better, Jam It Up Ya Fucking Big Fat Arse.



• Jon Cryer - the nerdy cunt left behind on Two and A Half Fuckwits. Apparently, he wants his character to take over as the show's resident ladies' man. You dickhead. The only show you will ever be resident ladies's man on is Golden Girls. You're career peaked in 1985 when you played yourself as Duckie in Pretty in Pink.



• The 12 joggers who shat their collective dacks when 2 joggers ran through them in the Adelaide Parklands recently - these 12 fuckwits were standing around like a gaggle of fucking cunts when 2 "ageing" joggers, let's call them B1 and B2, came jogging up to them and asked them politely to make way, "coming through". When the 12 fuckers ignored the request, B1 and B2 decided to do the right thing and run straight through them, suggesting as they went by that the 12 arsefucks should show some common courtesy next time. Well, one of the 12 decided to be a fucking smart arse and yelled some abuse as B1 and B2 ran off. Well, B1 and B2 once again did the right thing and back peddled to have a quiet word with this fucking fuck-knuckle. Said fuck-knuckle did something very, very silly and threw a punch at B2 - B2 caught the punch in his right hand and then instinctively dropped the prick with his left, sending the arseclown to sleep for 30 seconds. The other 11fuckers, at that very moment, filled their dacks and started squealing like fucking pigs, threatening to call the cops, before B1 put his elbow to good use and collected one of the peanuts in the process. B1 and B2 then warned the 12 shitheads that if they were still there when B1 and B2 completed their next lap that there would be "carnage." Suffice to say, when the two old pugilists returned, the 12 were nowhere to be seen, leaving behind only a massive fucking skidmark.