Week 23 nominations

The 20 year-old New Zealand man who smashed up and then set fire to his own car after he became enraged when it broke down – he is facing charges of wasting police time and making a false statement as well as being liable for a bill of thousands of dollars for the fire service call-out cost. Wanaka police Constable Peter Reed said the incident was an example of bad decision-making and drunken stupidity.

Wanaka police Constable Peter Reed – for the under-statement of the year. I think the middle “a” in Wanaka is unnecessary.

Nadya Suleman - aka Octomum. After deliberately giving birth to octuplets as a result of fertility treatment, she now realises she fucked up - “I hate the babies, they disgust me. And my older six are animals, getting more and more out of control, because I have no time to properly discipline them.” Suleman claimed her dream of having a big family has turned into a nightmare. What the fuck did you expect, you dumb mole? Single mum, 14 kids, 8 of the fuckers under 2? At least you’ve still got your Port Power membership.

Philip A. Contos - the 55-year-old American motorcyclist who was thrown off his motorcycle and suffered a fatal head injury when protesting against helmet regulations. An attending physician said Contos would have likely survived the accident if he had been wearing a regulation helmet. Good one, fuckwit.

Jesper Fjelstadt – Sunday Mail “journalist” for stating that Norwood’s Dean Terlich is a real chance to play AFL again. You fuckwit, if you had bothered to conduct some research you would have found that Terlich’s nickname is “The Arsonist” as every time the fucker gets the ball he burns it. Then again, that has not stopped Bernie/Burnie Vince from getting a game.

People who voted for the Greens – for giving these fuckwits the balance of power. I hope you are going to be happy after they have dry rooted this country.

Bon Levi – aka as “Australia’s most notorious con man” Ron Fredericks. For opening up a massage parlor opposite a Primary School and next door to a kid’s dance studio. Funny how dads suddenly started to volunteer for school and dance drop-offs.

Americanisms – I’m fucking sick to death of people using American terminology. It’s footpath, not pavement. Chips, not fries. Taxi, not cab. Boot, not trunk. And when you are pissed, it means you are fucking shickered, not angry. And when you want to call someone an arsehole, it is “arsehole” not “asshole”, ok, you fucking arseholes.

Crows supporters – I was actually surprised that 23,000 of the 'tards turned up to see Craig’s Comedy Capers. Of course, Rowey says they are back and Craig’s job is safe now.

Sydney – for doing everything they could to ensure a Crows win. Continually hand-balling in wet conditions is plain stupid. And those two big white sticks – ya supposed to kick the ball in between them, ya fuckwits.

Shaun Rehn – blah blah fucking blah. For fucksake, Shaun, if you’ve got something to say, just spit it out. You ramble on like the retarded lovechild of Josh Carr and Studley Cornes. It is fucking annoying.

Mike Rann – see Shaun Rehn.

Stephen Rowe – for his comment on out-going Port CEO, Mark Haysman, “he’s done a super, super, super job. He’s been outstanding.” Yeah, Rowey, you bloody cocksucker, Port are travelling about as well as a horse with the Hendra virus. They’d be better off with Johnny Haysman in charge.

Lucy Cornes – for another crap article in the Sunday Mail. Fuck off. As if we give a shit about what your three-year-old does or says, except for “my dad is a useless cunt who chases easy kicks and I hope I don’t inherit his fucking lisp.”

Stephen Rowe - for on-going stupidity. Eg not knowing why rangas are also called "bloodnuts" or "bluey". Rowey, can you work out why people call you "fuckhead"?

Tiger Airways – for being grounded. A spokesperson has said that the grounding could “irreparably damage the Tiger brand”. I’d say Glenelg, Richmond and Woods have already accomplished this more than adequately.

Toyota – for recalling 110,000 cars. How about recalling the fucking Camry Crows too?

AFL – the game is like Bob Brown’s arse - it’s been rooted with so many times that it is now un-recognizable. These day’s you can throw the ball when tackled and it is not a free. Fuck off.

Kim Jong-il – for placing his half-brother under house arrest in Pyongyang because his resemblance to his father and founder of the nation, Kim Il-sung, could derail the transfer of power to the Kim Jong-il’s son, Kim Jong-Un. In similar news, Julia Gillard may have to give up the Prime Ministership because her close resemblance to an emu is causing too much confusion with our coat of arms. Sources in Canberra deny this and say the real reason she is under pressure is because she is a fucking cunt.

Coles - your ads are shithouse,. Do you think parading fatties and ugly cunts are really the best way to promote yourself? Down down prices are down, how about getting the bird on your current ad down by 10kg. And your latest promotional song is fucken worse than the WWT Eagles' "we're gold and green and blue" rainbow fucken team song.

The Advertiser - picture this, you're a tourist in Adelaide. You think "I might get the local paper and see what it says about what's going on in Adelaide at the moment." You flick to around page 5 and are confronted by the headline "Adelaide, our city of sperm donors". So the tourist then thinks "well I know what is going on in Adelaide, they're obviously a bunch of fucking wankers." The tourist then turns to the back page where there is an article by Michelangelo Rucci with a picture of Neil Craig, the tourist then thinks "they are a bunch of fucking wankers, I'll be fucked if I'm coming back here again". Bravo Advertiser, you certainly promote the best parts of the state.

Warner Music - folded like Glenelg in a finals series by withdrawing their application to trademark the term " The Diggers ".

Susie O'Brien - called chunder-inducing film 'Bridesmaids' "the greatest piece of pro-female culture in 2011". What about Penny 'miaow' Wong and Julie 'bulldog chewing on a wasp' Bishop in federal parliament and Luke Jarrad's efforts for Woodville West Torrens?

Channel 9 - have gone too fucking far by giving serial fuckwit Cosi his own tv travel show. The cunt is neither funny nor entertaining, you have no idea what evil you are unleashing onto our tv screens. Is it not bad enough that Keith 'I do a cracking impression of Rolf Harris, but beside that am as entertaining as a Glenelg v North game' Conlon inflicts ocular genocide upon us weekly?

Snoop Dogg - wants to release his own dictionary, the doggtionary. Hoho you're a fucken comedian, Cosi might sign you up as a scriptwriter for his fucken show. He wants to include such intellectual terms as fo-shizzle, G, and hustla. I've got a few suggestions as well - fuckwit, numnut, dickhead, cockmuncher, arseclown - see Snoop Dogg.

Andy Murray - has again displayed his penchant for falling to bits like a soggy sao by crashing out of Wimbledon again. Apparently in one of his earlier games Kate and Wills popped in for a look in between doing important things such as ...... umm... being a royal. When he heard they had been there Andy was heard to quip "If I'd known they were coming I would have shaved". I don't think either of them would've cared if you had a five o'clock shadow on ya bikini line ya dickhead.

David Cameron - after close political ally Christopher Shale died at the Glastonbury festival David remarked, "A big rock in my life has rolled away". He didn't roll away Davey, he did an Elvis and croaked on the shitter.

Ty Allen - he's done a Neil Craig by calling the current Glenelg squad the most talented he's been involved with. Mind you it's only Glenelg, there's as much talent there as on a fucken Coles advert.

Scott Bryant – the 40-year-old bloke from Brisbane who tried to set fire to a Service Station because they ran out of sausage rolls. "It's a very extreme reaction for not being able to satisfy somebody's need for the munchies when they've had something to drink," Magistrate Alan Taylor said. And even more fucking ridiculous given that the average shelf life for a sausage roll in a servo is normally 2 fucking years. You would be safer eating a German cucumber.

Maria del Mar Arjona - the 19-year-old woman who was caught trying to sneak her husband out of a Mexican prison in a suitcase following a conjugal visit. Staff at the prison in Chetumal noticed that the woman seemed nervous and was pulling a black, wheeled suitcase that looked bulky, police say. Prison guards checked her bag and found inmate Juan Ramirez Tijerina curled up inside in the foetal position. Her lawyers have blamed Qantas baggage handlers.

South Africa's National Taxi Council – for revealing plans to launch a budget airline. Yeah, they are introducing these revolutionary new aeroplanes – they are yellow, have no wings, are piloted by currymunchers, and look remarkably like cars.

Nicole Cornes - for being awarded $85,000 for being offended by a classic Mick Molloy joke that she rooted Stewie Dew. Come on, it was cracking joke! Apparently, Stewie Dew is going to counter-sue her because he is fucking offended by the suggestion that he went anywhere near Studley's missus. I'm also considering suing Nicole because I was fucking offended by her attempt to win a seat in Federal Parliament in 2007. Who could ever forget her comment, "well, I don't live in the district but I do shop here." Well, I suppose now you've got $85,000 you can do some more of that shopping. How about putting some of that cash towards getting ya hubby a fucking face-lift or ya step-sons some one-on-one time with Lionel Logue.

Jay Weatherall - Wannabe Labor premier and renowned cock-smoker. The little back-stabbing goat rooter turns up at a Chad subscriber’s local gym for the first time (and hopefully last) wearing his poofter length skins. Who wears ankle length skins to an indoor heated gym other than Nathan Van Berlo for fucks sake?? Anyway the little union bitch proceeds to walk around with his iPhone texting who the fuck knows – probably Ranga Gillard getting tips on how to back stab Media Mike and assume the top job – and whilst dry rooting his iPhone, starts using a machine that is clearly already in use by a member as evidenced by the drink, towel and the fact that the member was 30cm from the machine and hadn’t left the area for 10 minutes. This is an act punishable by death. When the little union whore was informed of the error in his ways (“you ever fucking touch equipment I am fucking using again and I will fucking smash you over the fucking head with it”) he shat himself faster than Kane Cornes or Brent Stanton going for a contested possession, and slinked back to his iPhone to molest it some more. Stay the fuck away prick!

Robbie Katter - son of Bob. Just what Australia needs, another fucking Katter in Parliament. Robbie is the perfect example of why cousins shouldn't root.

Prime Minister of Samoa - for praising his country's transsexuals by calling them "glorious miracles of god" with their "blonde hair, glossy lipstick, and sporting Gucci handbags". Sounds like a description of a certain Woodville West Torrens wingman.

Prince - for demanding a limo after refusing to walk 25 metres from his dressing room to the stage at a music festival in England. You fucking little purple turd. Purple Rain, my arse, how about a fucking Golden Shower.

The Greens - just fuck off. Bob Brown, isn't it about time you returned AIDS to the monkeys? And what about Sarah Hanson-Young? I'm all for giving retards a fair go (Brett Ratten is doing quite well at Carlton) but we don't need one that is in a position to make decisons that will completely fuck up this country.

The Chadvertiser - for their big question, "who is the Crows best coach of the decade? Pam Ayres or Craig David?" The answer is dead easy - who gives a shit.

Andrew Maher - you should pay the $85,000 Mick owes Mrs Studley Dew. While Mick is funny, you are just an annoying fuckwit. Hopefully, Lachlan Murdoch taps you on the shoulder very soon, wanker.

Tiger Airways CEO Crawford Rix - Crawford Rix? For fuck sake, you have got to be kidding me? The cunt sounds like he should be on the set of The Bold and The Beautiful.

Prime Ranga Julia Gillard - for reassuring coal mining communities their future is "absolutely" secure under her plan to tackle climate change through the carbon tax. Well, Julia, what is the fucking point of a carbon tax then, ya fuckwit? Wouldn't have anything to do with wealth re-distribution, would it?

Australian Christian Lobby - for condemning a risque flyer for wax treatments showing a woman in sexy lingerie with a cat sitting between her open legs, and the slogan "What's New Pussycat?" The ACL's chief of staff, Lyle Shelton, said it's no laughing matter. "This seems to be the advertising industry yet again thumbing its nose at the idea that children should be protected from inappropriate sexual messages," he said. You fucking wanker. When have the Christian Lobby ever given a stuff about protecting kids? I don’t think I’ve ever heard the bastards kick up a stink about all those fucking kiddy-fiddling priests. Just fuck off back under that rock from which you crawled. And Lyle is a fucking poncy name too.

Dewayne Yarbrough - when he was arrested in the US for keeping a 1.2m alligator he told police he was keeping the pet in a tiny tank in his kitchen because "chicks dig it." Yeah, the kind of chicks that live in trailer parks with their 12 kids from 12 different fathers. You know, the same chicks that would go out with Western Bulldogs players.

Sting - for cancelling his concert in Kazakhstan as a protest against the government. The only cunt who gives a shit is Borat.

Shaun Tait - has proved yet again that he won't be requiring the services of the heart foundation any time soon by selling himself to the highest bidder in the bigbash comp. Players like Callum Ferguson and David Hussey stayed with their home states for less money than they could have got elsewhere but tinkerbell sold his arse like a cheap Vietnamese good time ladyboy (see Bob Brown for more info on cheap Vietnamese good time ladyboys). Good riddance, you're as loyal as Cheryl Kernot, and we all know how she fucken ended up don't we? (no, we mean out on her arse, not on the end of Gareth Evan's nob)

Max Stevens - Former Cycling SA boss, sports manager and rodent-like-cunt has asked for his bail conditions to be varied so he can travel interstate. Quote Max "I can't come into court every time. It's affecting my employment." Boo fucken hoo, you were the one that got pinched for DUI and multiple driving without licence offences, so don't try to pretend you're some sort of fucken victim ya fucken weasel.

Justice Peek - Supreme Court judge who awarded Nicole Cornes $85,000. He also commented that Mr and Mrs Skeletor had had their reputations for having "high moral standards" damaged by the Mick Molloy joke. High moral standards? That's about as laughable as saying Shaun Tait is a hard, tough, loyal athlete or Bronwyn Bishop isn't a fat pig or Jack Snelling isn't a Bronwyn Bishop impersonator. Just ask Wayne Phillis about Studley's high moral standards - the cunt got a black-eye for maintaining his high moral standards with Wayne's wife in 1977. Get fucked, Studley.

Derryn Hinch - self-confessed pisshead has scored himself a liver. So he's got a free pass after years of self-abuse in front of some other poor bastard who didn't drink the equivalent of the Jim Beam distillery throughout their life and just crapped out health wise. It's not fucken right. You might say, "that's life ", Hinchy, I say, "that's fucked, give it back you withered old cunt. shame, fuckwit, shame."

Adelaide Oval bridge - for costing an estimated $40 million. What the fuck? Is it a fucking replica of the Sydney Harbour Bridge? Or maybe some bright spark as decided we need a re-tractable bridge?

Michaelangelo Rucci - for his continued attacks on the SANFL and anyone who dares to support it, like Rob Lucas. Lucas might barrack for a fucking shit team with a cockhead CEO, but I'll think you find he actually goes to most West Adelaide games. Rucci, when was the last SANFL game you attended? It is about time you shut your pie hole and found something more constructive to do with your life - like join the News of the World, shithead.