What the fuck is wrong with the world these days? You’ve got reporters tapping into people’s voice messages. A bunch of bum-hugging Greenies are running the country. Football is turning into tiddlywinks. TV is inundated with the visual equivalent of the green apple splatters. A hermaphrodite called Lady Ga Ga is the biggest thing in music. We’ve got an Australian cricket team captained by a squealing metro-sexual who spends more time in front of a mirror than at the crease. We can’t build a god damn bridge across a fucking muddy creek without a shit fight. We’ve got a Premier and state government that are about as useful as a cock-flavoured lolly-pop. Stephen Rowe is a radio star. Ricky Nixon is still breathing. The other half of Australia’s most popular children’s author is a fucking rock spider. And to top it off, Matty Knights is still involved in football. It is fair dinkum total and utter bullshit.
Which brings us to this week’s winner of the Chad. Tony Dey. White maggot and cheating cunt extraordinaire. Tony is one of the most consistent fuckwits in the history of the Chad. He has been nominated on numerous occasions and won his first Chad Medal in week six of the inaugural Chad season in 2010. And what a thoroughly deserved win it was. Since that time, the cunt has gone from strength to strength, regularly butchering SANFL games with an ineptitude and lack of feel for the game rarely seen, perhaps rivalled only by Richard Williams, Darren Goldspink or Scott McLaren. It is impossible to over-estimate Tony’s ability totally fuck-up a game of football. For those unlucky enough to witness a vintage Dey performance, you’ll know exactly what I mean. Many say he is a master magician as the bastard can pluck a free kick out of nowhere with just one quick blow of his trusty whistle. Judging by the number of times he blows, he must have taken some tips from Lara Bingle. But what sets Tony apart from the rest of the white maggots is the level of enjoyment he seems to draw from ruining a game. He seems to thrive on paying free-kicks that aren’t there or ignoring ones that are blatantly obvious or awarding a 50 metre penalty against a player who has justifiably and politely called him a “fuckarse”. He took his game to a whole new level on the weekend by not only paying a free kick against Taylor Walker for a perfectly laid tackle on North Adelaide pipsqueak Tim Delvins but for then reporting Walker, saying the tackle was “unnecessary”. Fuck off, Tony. What is unnecessary is you continuing to blight football with your presence. So I’m reporting you for the unnecessary crap you dish up, week by week, year by year. And it is unnecessary for you to attend the tribunal hearing, Tony. You’ve already been found guilty of bringing the game of football into disrepute – and more importantly, for being a deadset fucking cunt. You have been banned from umpiring for life and must do 5 years of community service – your first community service tasks are to give Mike Rann a backhander, tell Bob Brown to shut the fuck up and put a muzzle on Julia Gillard. But Tony, you don’t leave the game empty-handed, as I’m pleased to award you your second Chad Medal. You are the first fuckwit to claim the honour twice. Congratulations and now fuck off.
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