Week 25 nominations

• Jason Hampton – the 20 year-old Tasmanian who pleaded guilty to torturing, burning and blowing up five possums. The arsehole also filmed himself doing the evil act. The only apt punishment for this fucking bastard is for the same to happen to him.




• Orange Maggot and dog starving mongrel Sean Ryan - The term “umpire” should be used loosely for this cock-smocking glory hunting oxygen thief! Not content to simply bend over to the 38,000 retards in the crowd at AAMI in the Crows v Bombers game by paying holding the ball against Essendon players in the first quarter when the Bombers players had 17 Crows players jumping on their back with no prior opportunity to dispose of the footy, this failed lab experiment chose to try and draw the focus to himself late in the game by penalising Angus Monfries for the following:
  -laying a great goal saving tackle on Patrick “I think I’m Dermott Brereton” Dangerfield
  -then getting ridden into the ground by Dermott in the most blatant in the back since………well, ever!
  -then in his third effort, contesting the footy in a 50/50 with Dermott only to have that cunt Ryan pay holding the ball when Monfries never even had possession of the motherfucking thing and was not over the ball nor did he drag it in.
  
  The decision by this Elton John wannabe-sperm recipient even surprised the Crows spastics in the crowd who despite not knowing a fucking thing about football, felt it was a little harsh. Sean Ryan = compete cunt!




• Hendra virus – what really shits me is that Tracey Grimshaw has avoided it so far.




• Patrick “Dermott Brereton” Dangerfield. Built like Jane, plays like Jane, thinks he’s Tarzan or Jono Brown. Parades around like he is the worlds greatest forward despite playing about 3 decent quarters of footy in 3 years in possibly the worst team in the AFL. Had his arse handed to him by Bombers rookie Kyle Hardingham who has played 15 games and tackles his girlfriend harder than Dangerfield tackles an opponent. Hey Dermott, instead of walking around flexing muscles that don’t exist and looking at the 38,000 retards yelling your name, try and get a kick and perhaps attempt to include a team mate from time to time, as there is usually 17 of the poofters out there to choose from, you glory hunting home-sick lap dog. Go get a hard ball and stop trying to be the next Kane Cornes, because he’s a dribbling selfish cunt and you’re heading down that well worn track. Better still, go home to Geelong and become a footballer instead of a piss-weak glory hound.




• Heath Shaw – I’d put $10 on what Mick Malthouse said when he was told about Shaw’s punt on Maxwell, "FUCKWIT”.




• Advertiser headline – Shaw’s Dumb Punt. They mis-spelled “Punt”.





• Lindsay Thomas – the Ian Baker-Finch of goal-kicking.





• Nick Maxwell’s family – for being dumb enough bet on their son kicking a goal. You fuckwits. Apparently, they also recently put $85 on Lindsay Thomas kicking a goal and another $85 on Brent Stanton getting a hardball.





• Richmond – sold two home games this year and lost both to the two bottom teams. How can one club be so shit for so long?





• Adelaide – for another fantastic choke.





• Pt Adelaide – they are so crap that even Chad looks good.





• Colin Rowston – you cheating scumbag.





• Luke Jarrad – in his one chance to take a contested mark against Norwood he quickly filled his dacks with shit and dropped the mark.





• Mark Ricciuto – for his “Roo’s Red Fist” column. His fist is red because it is fair square up Goodwin’s clacker.





• Brett Reilly – for saying as a captain Van Berlo will soon be at the same level as Ricciuto and Goodwin. Fuck off, idiot.





• Gillard – for telling journos “not to write crap”. Fair call but Julia, you terminal fuckwit, here is some advice for you – “don’t talk crap”. We all know that the carbon tax is a fucking joke so don't bother spending $12 million on telling us otherwise.





• Betty Walker - Mississippi woman who opened fire on a puppy that had threatened children, but she wound up shooting and killing her husband/brother. Witnesses told police the dog lunged at some children and tried to attack them. The dead man's son says the children were taken inside and his father picked the dog up. It was then that police say Betty fired twice, hitting the dog once and her husband once in the chest. Amazing how Harry the Chihuahua has survived yet again.





• The Chap Olympics – this is the only sport the Poms are any good at. The 10 events include the pipeathlon - sauntering, bicycling and being carried by servants while smoking a pipe - butler baiting, and moustache wrestling. Organiser and deadset fuckwit, Gustav Temple said being a chap is all about the clothes, "Once you've got the clothes, your mannerisms will change. You are not likely to get into a pub fight or end up at a football match. You will find yourself drawn away from lager and crisps towards dry martinis and a pipe." he said. In other words, you become a fucking Crows supporter.





• Troy Chaplin – for being the AFL’s best “pointer”. This cunt excels at royally fucking up in the backline and then immediately pointing at his team-mates to pick up an opposition player.





• Hamish Hartlett – a) for having a fucked shoulder even though he has never delivered a hip and shoulder in his life; and b) for the worst kick I have ever seen – running out of the back-line and under little pressure, delivering a 5 metre kick, straight out of bounds on the full. Take the rest of the season off cunt.





• The crowd at the Port v Melbourne game – 7,255 of them were stupid enough to turn up and actually pay to watch that shite.





• Qantas engineers – for playing the Last Post during their recent strike. Fucking dis-respectful.





• Michelle Bock – drug dealer and producer of dis-loyal, girlfriend –beating footballers.





• Nathan Lovett – for saying the girl he allegedly raped would have known that it was him and not Jason Gram because “I’m dark-skinned and he’s fair-skinned”. There is a fatal flaw in ya argument, shithead, the lights were out!





• Rowey – for suggesting the Power should recruit Fev. You really are a nobhead, Rowey.





• The Emmy's - a backslapping wankfest for trumped up arsewipes to show off a dead raccoon shaped into a 'dress' that they'll never wear again and get awarded for shit shows that you would rather shoot yourself in the head rather than watch. Hold me back, does that mean the fucken Logies are on again soon as well?





• Paris Hilton - "when I was little, my mum would punish me by unplugging my private phone". Somewhat ironic as these days the slag likes getting punished by getting herself plugged by anyone with a dick.





• The Wallabies - got rolled 32-23 by Samoa, a country of 180,000 people and 400,000 pawpaws. For fucksake, watch out this week they're playing Nauru. Apparently the only person happy with the result was Heath Shaw who had a crafty tenner on Samoa after getting some insider knowledge.





• Carlos Tevez - Argentina's answer to Shaun Tait once again proved that mercenary cockheads generally go to water when it counts by missing a penalty in the Copa America qtr final against Uruguay.





• Edward White - lit a fire that caused $1 million damage to Unley High School. For fucksake why didn't he go down the road to Unley Oval instead.





• Wang Dalin - Chinese beekeeper won a ' bee bearding ' competition which involved contestants trying to attract the most bees in an hour. Wang managed to collect 26kg of bees. My question is - how the fuck did they weigh the bees?





• Dom Cassisi - says that Port's young players have bought into coach Matthew Primus's rebuilding plan and are happy at the club. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I'll bet you don't even believe that bullshit yourself, why would you buy into a fucking trainwreck you fuckwit?





• Tiger Airways - have appointed a veteran pilot as it's safety adviser. Unless it's that old bloke who landed a plane on the Hudson River this prick is going to be as useful as appointing Richard Tambling as a skills coach.





• NZ Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages - has started cracking down on parents giving their kids fucked up names. This isn't necessarily a bad thing as one Ewen Chatfield is enough pain for the world, but for a country best known for lamb lovin' and the inability to speak properly don't you think they have bigger fish to fry first?





• Jason Davenport - squealed like a Monica Seles backhand all day for free kicks whilst playing for West in the game against Centrals. Next time, try saving your breath and get the fucking ball yourself instead of waiting with your hand out like a homeless person at a fucken soup kitchen ya cunt.





• Tony Dey - made Richard Williams look like a competent umpire, cunt. Also, see Colin Rowston





• Rupert Murdoch - still insists he was blissfully unaware of any phone hacking that occurred at one of his papers. You're fucking kidding right, we're expected to believe that are we you fucking bullshitting old cunt. Ya couldn't lie straight in bed Rupert.





• Julia Gillard - will you shut the fuck up, ya lying hag. "There will be no carbon tax under a government I lead." So what is your argument for going back on this promise? Could it be that you are not actually leading this government but the real leader is Bob "Bandit" Brown?





• Desmond Bellamy - project leader for PETA, for suggesting there should be a fart tax on meat. Fuck off, Dessie, ya wanker, just because you would rather eat boiled tofu served with a side of gum leaves than a nice big juicy t-bone steak does not mean the rest of us should suffer. How about a tax on fucking tree-hugging punnetheads called Desmond.





• Candice Keller - for describing Graham Cornes as a "football legend". You're a dickhead, Candice. Studley's not a football legend, he's a fucking boring old Skeletor.





• The cost of movies - $18 my arse. Fuck off, who the fuck would want to spend $18 to go see another movie about a fucking dumbarse wizard or the latest spewfest from Tom Hanks. What happened to movies like Goodfellas? Even fucking Police Academy 17 is better than the tripe that is served up today.





• The Forklift Thief - this dickhead stole a forklift from his former employer and was doing burn-outs along the bike-track on the Linear Park at Flinders Park when he jammed it into a wooden footbridge. He then fled the scene as police started a search to find the culprit. The clown then made a phonecall to the police from his own home saying someone had been shot in an effort to divert them away from the search. Police arrived at his house, discovered noone had been shot and then promptly arrested him for stealing the forklift. FUCKWIT





• Jessica Lodge - the police officer who escaped a conviction after being found guilty of urinating on an ANZAC War Memorial in Sydney. That is a fucking low act.





• Magistrate Jane Culver - for not convicting Jessica Lodge but instead placing her on a 12 month good behaviour bond. That is bullshit. The least that mole should have received is a golden shower.





• AFL footballers - 25% can't read or write. At Port Adelaide the strike rate is 100% - stupid is as Westhoff does.





• Paco - the chihuahua who bailed up two armed robbers in LA and chased them out of the store and down the street. How does that make ya feel, Harry, like a real little fucking pissant??





• Mathew Lloyd - for releasing an autobiography. Chapter 1 - My best dives. Chapter 2 - I might have kicked a few goals but fuck I was boring. Chapter 3 - Who gives a shit.





• The Advertiser Footy Fans Survey - who is your favourite WAG? Dane Swan's 12 year-old girlfriend. Or maybe Robbie Gray's other half - it's a real credit to her that she goes out with a retard. Or what about Brent Stanton's wife - I didn't think lesbians were allowed to marry. Or maybe Andrew Lovett's girlfriend - she still hasn't worked out that he's not Jason Gram. Or Bernie Vince's devoted life partner, Luke Jarrad - who wears the pants in that relationship? Or what about Lucy Cornes - nah, no way, get fucked, fuck off.