Week 24 Nominations

• The AFL rules committee - watching the Hawthorn v Brisbane game on the weekend made me want to belt someone. The number of frees paid for absolute bullshit were ridiculous. I don't blame the umpires for this as they were only interpreting the rules as put before them. I blame the AFL rules committee, you bunch of fuckheads, you cunts should be brought up before the Human Rights Commission for crimes against humanity. You are fucking up a great game by introducing out and out shit just for the sake of it. Cunts like Kevin Bartlett should be strung up by their nads. Cunts the lot of ya.




• McDonalds - Big Mac my fucking arse, how about calling it "The formerly decent sized burger that we've downsized to the size of a 20c piece because we're a bunch of tightarse cunts Mac".




• Harry Potter devotees - I've seen a couple of the movies on tv and I'll admit, whilst they were nothing special they were watchable. But, these sad bastards who cue up for hours dressed like the characters from the movie waiting for the new installment "Harry Potter - eligible for the pension but still in fucken school" need a bullet. And so does Harry.




• People who cued outside Lady Gaga's hotel for hours hoping to get a glimpse of him/her - you are more braindead than the Harry Potterites. If you wanted to watch trannies in the flesh you don't need to cue outside a Sydney hotel, just head to Unley Oval on a Saturday afternoon.




• Chris Gayle - sold himself like a streetwalker to the highest bidder in the new BigBash comp. Refused a bid of $250,000 from WA who he played for the year before to take $300,000 from new franchise the Sydney Mercenary Arsewipes. And this prick was captain of the Windies, ya wonder why they are shite.




• Sedan/Cambrai - in one of the most shonky displays in the history of football, they lost to United Eagles/Callington, who had been winless for almost three years. You knew something wasn't right when Salim Malik was seen in the rooms after the match with a fistful of brown paper bags and a grin bigger than Luna Park.




• Jessica Rowe - "why swear, it's just unnecessary". Get fucked. Swearing is as Australian as pulling a sickie on a long weekend, so go and get fucked you anorexic pretzel.




• North Melbourne - join in the chorus, sing it one and all, join in the chorus North Melbourne showed no balls. Fucking insipid against the Pies, and worst of all deflected attention away from Port's steaming pile of an 'effort' against the Saints.




• David and Victoria Beckham - named their new kid Harper Seven. For fucksake, it is reputed that the name Seven came about because that's the number David has worn over most of his career, I'm more inclined to think it's the combined IQ of the fucking parents.




• Red Bull Racing Team - told 3rd placed Mark Webber not to try to pass teammate Sebastian Vettel who was running second in the closing stages of the recent GP in case they had a prang. For fucksake, he wasn't out there for a Sunday drive you dickheads, if Alonso had fucked up he was going for a win. And you wonder why people are getting the shits with Formula 1, that's as bad as bowling deliberate no balls for cash, it's call fixing the fucking result. Thankfully, Webber told the team to go fuck themselves (yeah I said fuck Jessica Rowe, fucken deal with it ) and had a crack.




• Phaedra Al Majid - former press officer on the Qatar 2022 World Cup bid has retracted her allegations that 3 FIFA members were bribed to vote for Qatar. She claimed she was not put under any pressure by Qatari (sounds like a fucken cocktail) officialdom to retract her original allegations but did it because she only originally made the allegations because she got the arse and was looking for payback, but didn't think things would go this far. Far from being cynical and suggesting you're talking out of your arse for a financial payment, I believe you, and I also believe Nicole Cornes would make a fantastic MP, Luke Jarrad is a tough footballer, and there is nothing shonky in Bernard Finnigan's disappearance from the public eye.




• Australian Cricket Selectors - once again proved they have the tactical nouse of Neil Craig by selecting old never has been David Hussey in front of up and coming Callum Ferguson for the upcoming tour of Sri Lanka. You remember when we used to take the piss out of the Poms for their Dad's Army selections and persistence with crap? Hasn't the worm fucking turned. The Poms would be choking on their Tetley tea laughing their tits off at Australian cricket at the moment.




• Tony Dey - reported Taylor Walker for a legitimate tackle. He's a cunt, always has been, always will be. Demote the fuckhead to the AFL. Dey called the tackle "unnecessary". Ah, Tony, you fucking ankle, he's playing football, not fucking nude Twister like you do with ya white maggot mates.




• The SANFL Tribunal - handed out a 1 match ban to Taylor Walker for laying a tackle. Sling tackle my arse, it was a good ball and all tackle which took both players to the ground. The AFL has officially infiltrated another part of the SANFL and is attempting to destroy it. Fuck off, leave your fairybread rules to your own modified rules comp.




• Mark Riccuito - claims through his 'spies' that pillows/useless SANFL fuckarses Luke Jarrad, Dean Terlich and Tristan Gum could make it in the AFL as mature age recruits. You fuckwit, Roo - Terlich is shit, Gum is a pillow, and Jarrad is an out and out embarrassment who runs away faster from a contest than Brett 'ice skates' Stanton. The classic was to compare Terlich to Steve Johnson - who writes your stuff, Roo?? Your fucking spies need to pull their heads out of their fucking arses and actually watch the fucking games because they've got as much idea naming those cunts as the Australian cricket selectors have picking a touring team.




• The 58 year-old Everard Park father who was caught drag racing against his 27 year-old son on South Road - fuckwits - like father like son.




• Rebekah Brooks - this mole was in charge of News of the World when their shonky phone-tapping activities were going on. Miraculously, she has kept her job at News Ltd while the rest of the News of the World staff got the arse. What does Rupert's old fella taste like, Rebekah?




• Sunday Mail - for offering the writer of "letter of the week" a Michael Bolton CD. Thought you were supposed to encourage not discourage people from sending letters in, you idiots.

Richmond - for a bad case of hoisting the white flag. After leading by 23 points at the 13 minute mark of the third quarter, they then dropped their dacks and let Essendon royally roger them to the tune of 10 unanswered goals. Pathetic. Even Matty Primus felt sorry for Hardwick.

Russell Wortley - for dumping the inquiry into the Burnside Council, saying it is "in the public interest". Excuse me, fuckwit, since when was trying to uncover corruption not in the public's interest. Did a brown paper bag turn up on ya desk? And another thing, get a fucking haircut, you look like a dickhead.

Josh Francou - the bald-headed chicken fucker had a whinge about the state of Norwood Oval. Bit too muddy for ya bunch of soft-cocks was it, Josh? I'd be more worried about getting my team of the bottom of the ladder, shithead.

Julia Gillard - no amount of spin is going to change the fact that this carbon tax is a fucking sham.

Rowan Roberts - Media Mike's senior economic adviser quit the position in March 2010 and received a termination pay-out of $37,000. I thought if you quit then you were not eligible for a termination pay-out? Anyway, she has now been re-appointed to the position AND received a salary increase AND does not have to re-pay the termination pay-out. To add insult to injury, it turns out that Roberts' mother, Gabrielle Kelly, is Director of Labor's Thinker In Residence program. More like wanker in residence. Fuck off, Rann, no wonder you don't want an ICAC in South Australia.

Lara Bingle - model, WAG, ice-skater, dancer and now mentor. Yes, Bingle is now offering advice to up-and-coming models on the pitfalls of fame. Surely this is an ironic joke because you are a world-class fame-whore, Bingle. Go and root some b-grade celebrity, like Kyle Sandilands.

Angus Monfries - Essendon and ex-Sturt pillow. He has admitted that he took a dive when Hawthorn's Jordan Lewis "head-butted" him. Lewis got rubbed out for a week. Angus said he was trying to milk a free and now says he will have to look at the way he plays. How about you start by not modelling your game on Brent Stanton.

Port Adelaide - hahahahahahahaha. I backed out your gameplan this morning.

Catherine Kei Becker - 48 year-old woman from California charged with cutting off her husband's pecker. Funny, Luke Jarrad's husband tried the same thing on him and found he didn't have any nurries.

Minnesota - for running out of beer due to Government bureaucracy.

Nike - for abusing workers at their Converse factory in Indonesia. According to reports, factory supervisors, "throw shoes at them, slap them in the face and call them dogs and pigs". This is exactly how Mathew Primus should treat his Port Adelaide players.

Kane Cornes - for the quote of the year, "I've been on the end of some ripping sprays". Yeah, fuckwit, now you know how people feel when you open your gob to speak.

Tony Armstrong - North Adelaide pillow who, despite the muddy conditions, finished the game with a spotless jumper.

Daniel Motlop - see Tony Armstrong.

The 30 people who voted Nathan Van Berlo as the Crows best captain of the last decade - I bet these are the same 30 people in South Australia that don't think Mike Rann is a cunt.

Brad Moran - "I'm a long way off my peak". That's gold, when your peak is as high as an ant's nest and you still haven't reached it you know he's fucking shit.

Rupert Murdoch - seems to be distancing himself from knowledge of hacking by his minions. Pigs fucken arse you G.Cornes lookalike, you're in it up to ya saggy old nuts.

The young bloke who broke into a bank in Salisbury at 1:35am and left empty handed - can't imagine why, fuckwit. Apparently he said the service was appalling but no different to when the bank was actually open.

Katy Perry - hired a cat whisperer to help hubby Russell Brand keep their cats in line while she's on tour - "he realigned their chakras and did some hypnosis". Fair dinkum, what fucken chemicals are there in that Pro-Active shit she plugs on the telly.

Stephanie Payne - 180kg whole lot of woman says she shouldn't have to pay for two tickets for the train. I disagree you heifer, if by your own doing you have reached a size that means you and your flubberguts take up two seats, you pay for two fucking tickets. If ya don't like it, there is a fucken solution.

Barry Hunt - Hunt with a silent C. British Australia Community Spokesman says that Australia should set up their own new monarchy with Princess Anne as the head. You fucking dickhead, we've already got an orangutan as PM, a monkey as opposition leader, and an armadildo as leader of the Greens. On top of this you now want to make a horse the head of state? Lets just save time and go to the fucken zoo and pick out a few fucken animals to run the joint , it works for the Kiwis.

Ricky Nixon - is obviously still grieving over the trauma that became him as he is needing to find solace in rooting a 27 year old 'socialite'. By socialite I think they mean gold-digging slut. What a great family man he is, at least she's over legal age this time.

The 23 year-old Queenslander who filmed herself hacking off a mouse's head with a steak knife, then put the evidence on facebook - for fucksake what is wrong with some people, eye for an eye, head for a head. It is amazing what they cook up on Master Chef these days.

Michael Froggatt - the recipient of the 2010 Rotary Gold Coast Policeman of the Year was pinched DUI, blowing .085. Apparently the arresting officer got a bit suspicious when she said blow into this bag and he responded by emptying his nurries all over her leg.

Michael Plank - US citizen returning from Oz to LA was caught with 15 live lizards strapped to his chest at customs. He was fined $2000 and got 15 months in jail. You fuckwit, all you had to do was take them through Mexico and let them run across the border like millions of the Cheech and Chongs do every fucken year. Or do what Bob Brown does and travel with them shoved up his Jatz Cracker.

Malcolm Fox - father of MP Chloe Fox and husband of author Mem Fox was convicted of four counts of unlawful intercourse with a 17 year old boy. You dirty, sick cunt, hope some of the lads in Yatala show you how magic their possums are ya fucking animal. I can't wait for Mem's new book - Malcolm the Kiddyfiddling Wombat.

The bloke who went into Sturt police station to report a crash he was involved in and blew .138, then walked home and got his spare keys, went back to the cop shop, took his car and drove home. The coppers went to his house to find him and the car there and pinched him again - fuckwit. Luke Norman's not having a good run is he?

Reality tv - the reality is it's fucking shit. Fuckarses fixing broken houses, crims cooking souvlakis, cunts with medical problems they've been too embarrassed to go see a doctor about for ten years but are quite fucking happy to go on tv to show millions of people, moles with big tits and blokes with small dicks, fat cunts crying about why they can't understand how they got so fucking fat whilst they chow down another tub of lard, nobodies with shows about how they sit on a fucken couch and go to the shops, talentless cunts trying to sing, dance and make fuckwits of themselves, fat brides, pregnant teenage slags, hillbillies and holier than thou cockheads swapping wives - and that is just one fucking night. I can't wait for Lara Bingle's new reality show - I Sucked A Lot Of Cock To Get Where I Am. It's fucken garbage. And don't get me started on the tripe that that fucking frumpy horse, Tracy Grimshaw serves up on a nightly basis. F-U-C-K O-F-F

The Crows - for using serial fuckwit, Matty Knights, to scout for them in Melbourne. No wonder the Crows have had such a shit year! Anything that Matty touches turns to shit.

Matty Knights - when are you gonna realise that football is not for you?