Round 23 Winner

The clash for the title of winner of The Chad Medal this week has displayed that, despite the best efforts of Bob ( John Inman ) Brown and his tree hugging, communist Green party comrades, democracy does still exist and can thrive. Laurie Holden and the Chief Editor were united in voting for serial softcock Shaun Tait to be winner, but the readers have spoken and he was defeated. Never mind Shaun, with the loyalty and backbone you have displayed over the years a medal will be coming your way in the non too distant future. Therefore, by a majority verdict, I hearby declare Nicole Cornes to be this weeks winner.

What a resume Nicole provides us with - wife of a fossilised, self absorbed, hypocritical fuckwit, failed political aspirant, step mum to 2 human sprinklers, self anointed saviour of all womankind.. Nicole lived her life in relative anonymity until one day she met Graham, aka skeletor. Details are sketchy as to the first encounter but urban legend has it that she turned up to a fancy dress party ( she was dressed as Joan of Arc, as she liked playing the fucking martyr even back then) and saw a crusty old fossil looking like he had dressed up as the grim reaper. It turned out that the man in question, skeletor, wasn't in costume, that's the way the craggy faced old cunt always looked. Love soon blossomed as Nicole regaled in skeletor's stories of how he fought off the Zulu armies, drank mead with Shakespeare and was present for the signing of the armistice after WW1. Then came the fateful day when skeletor asked her to become mrs. skeletor mk3, awww...... fucken spew.

So as the years went on they consummated their love ( picture this - one of the old blokes on the balcony from The Muppett Show rooting miss piggy ) and breeding soon followed. The Advertiser then decided, that due to her extensive experience as ........ mrs skeletor, it would be prudent to offer Nicole a job as a social commentator, where she provided us with such Pulitzer Prize contending works as " men - they only want sex " " yummy mummy's - too much pressure to be skinny " and " Ageing paramours - greying sideburns can make older men hot property ". Hot fucken diggidy, I can't imagine why the Washington Post or The Times weren't knocking down your door to write for them. I wouldn't wipe my arse with that tripe.

After this marvellously popular sojourn into the public forum, the ALP thought Nicole would be an excellent candidate to run for the seat of Boothby in the 2007 federal election ( reputedly after asking Graham and being rejected, you would have thought politics would've suited a holier than thou, condescending cunt like him ) with her extensive experience as ............. mrs skeletor. Also interesting was the fact she was a former Liberal voter. Boothby at that stage was regarded as a fairly marginal Liberal held seat, and one the ALP thought they had a good chance of winning. And they would've won it too, if they selected a decent candidate ( mind you Kevin 'Roly Poly' 'Dirk Diggler 'Foley picked her, nudge nudge, wink wink say no more in case Stuart Littlemore reads this ). Unfortunately Nicole was the running candidate and proceeded to completely fuck up the chance by her constant gaffes, inability to articulately answer questions, and inability to explain ALP policies ( mind you ranga Gillard ain't doing any better explaining the fucken carbon tax, it's like watching John Hewson try to explain the GST ). Check out these fucken pearlers she trotted out on the campaign trail -

• " I won't have to answer any tough questions, no hard- hitting questions, will I ? I've had just about enough of those questions. "
• " I'm still going to lose my words, my thought patterns are still going to get jumbled. In a way, that's a bit of my personality too. "

So with crackers like this is it any wonder she fucken lost? Looking at a couple of pictures from that time you can see Kevin Rudd giving the old " you're fucking kidding me " looks at her. And is it any wonder at press conferences after her initial fuck ups that she was put at the back of the group or bundled into a waiting car quicker than a pisshead in a paddywagon at 3am? Even die hard ALP followers were glad of dodging that fucken bullet. Nicole blamed a media smear campaign for the loss, conveniently leaving out she was as useful as Bernie Vince near a contested ball.

Nicole then resumed her life as ....... mrs skeletor, but for some fucken reason she became a ministerial advisor to Labor MP Paul Holloway. Jesus fucking christ, what was she going to advise him about, to grow sideburns to make him hot property? $93,000 is the rumoured salary, and you wonder why the Rann government is as popular as finding a scab on your dick.

And so life went on for Nicole, until that fateful day when funny bastard Mick Molloy comically quipped on ch 10's Before The Game that former Port Power and Hawthorn footballer Stewart Dew might have slipped her a length. Anyone who has seen Mick knows that when he talks 99% of it is purely tongue in cheek and not to be taken seriously , he is the first to admit it, yet Nicole decided that this was the most heinous crime since the shooting of Breaker Morant ( which apparently her husband participated in ) and kicked up a fucken storm big enough to fuck over a Japanese nuclear plant. I gotta be honest, until I googled it last night I still didn't know the exact words he used as I didn't see the show, and that's the way it would've stayed for most people if Nicole hadn't turned it into a giant fucking ' look at me, I'm a fucken victim ' circus. It would've stayed just another light hearted piss taking comment and everyone would've forgotten about it. But no, mr and mrs skeletor chose to 'stand up for all woman kind' and pursued the matter, even after Mick issued an on air apology. Nicole claimed she was defamed and humiliated, was exposed to ridicule ( marrying Graham and fucking up what should've been a monty in the federal election didn't ? ), and questioned her fidelity to her husband. That is one of the biggest loads of fucking bullshit I have ever heard, and reflects more upon the trust your husband has in you than anything. NO ONE believes Dew rooted Nicole, except for a fleeting moment her own husband. Why the fuck would he, you ain't no Bronwyn Bishop, but you certainly ain't no Jennifer Hawkins. As an AFL footballer he would've had hot birds throwing themselves at him, so why would he want to root someone that's had a crusty octogenarian up them. He didn't do it, you know it, I know it, the whole of Australia fucking knows it, so by by pursuing this you are setting yourself up for even more ridicule as an attention seeker, which ties you in well with the rest of the Cornes clan. Your husband has taught you well, if you're not in a headline, create a situation that puts you in one. I give you the words of fellow female journo Susie which best describes the situation - " Mrs Cornes says she hopes the case finally makes it clear that she did not have sex with Stewart Dew. But I don't think anyone - except for a moment her husband perhaps - has ever thought she has ". There you go, that's from one of your contemporaries, even she is saying the whole situation is fucking bullshit. But you got your $85,000, so now you can go shopping in the electorate you knew so little about. Pity about the poor cunt you may have put out of work at ch10 by making your spending money, but you've set yourself up as a moral beacon for all womankind to aspire to. To quote the inimitable Jim Royle - my arse.

So Nicole Cornes wins this installment of the Chad Medal. She used the Cornes name to gain attention and opportunities she would most likely not have ever got, then went and cried when it bit her on the arse. Boo fucken hoo, toughen up princess. Take your medal and fuck off.