• St Kilda Football Club - what a club, what a clusterfuck.  Rapists, stalkers and drug cheats. They trade one of their best midfielders and their only decent ruckman, they have more internal troubles than a cunt with 15 peptic ulcers and a bowel blockage. Oh how I want to be with St Kilda, pigs fucken arse. Oh how I want to be on the bookies, to find out the odds of them finishing bottom four next year. 

• Tony Hill - sheep rooting umpire whose insipid display in the recent Ashes series has resulted in his likely dismissal from the elite umpires group. The cockarse they are thinking of replacing him with - Billy fucking Bowden. That's like replacing herpes for AIDS. 

Return of The Chad

Yeah yeah we know we haven't produced anything for ya for a while.  We've been busy so get fucked. The Chad is back, albeit in a slightly different format. Instead of nominees and a weekly winner The Chad Editor and Laurie Holden will just tee off on any cunt we think is Chadlike and from time to time when we can be arsed we will announce a winner, be it for a week or a month. The reason? We're fucken lazy. Come to think of it it's not much different  to what it was. I would ramble more about how much better things will be but it would be a lie, and I'm getting bored. So keep your eye out, possibly tonight after I've had a few more beers

Round 29 Winner

Belated winners but better than nothing. The winner of The Eugene is Captain Hook, the Port River  dolphin who can't be rooted doing what normal dolphins do and catch his own tucker, he'd rather be a lazy mooching cunt and pinch it off fisherman's lines or beg for a fucken handout. It's ingrained down the Port, don't worry about earning your keep, wait for someone to give it to you. Well fuck you Captain Hook, catch your own or go and get stuffed, keep it up and you're gonna end up battered with a side of chips.
The Winner of The Chad is The Puma. Not known to many people, but trust me if you did know him like Laurie Holden and The Chad Editor do you would agree he is a more than worthy winner. He's packed his fair of fuckups into his few tender years. Thinks he knows a bit about footy but he's a fucken crows supporter so that's bollocks, once appeared in The Footy Budget with an Eagles supporter, has a head like a Houso Justin Beiber, and has destroyed his teeth after suffering from a TicTac addiction through most of his teenage years. Thinks he knows a bit about soccer too but his recent effort in prematurely calling the recent Arsenal v Reading League Cup tie shows otherwise. The Puma thought it prudent to start abusing Laurie Holden( which is fair enough granted ) when Reading were up 4-0 only to end up with half a fucken shed full of battery hen eggs on his face after Arsenal got up 7-5. Good call Puma, with premature celebrations like that you're gonna make some young lady very disappointed one day. Enjoy your Chad Medal, knowing that you are a reader of this blog, I daresay you'll be choking on your fucken tictacs as you read this. Gold.

Round 29 Nominees

• Russell Wortley - the fucking muppet had his shagpile snout well in truly in the trough  - $50,000 for a ten day jaunt around Europe on the Trans-Continental gravy train.  I though this state was fucking broke?  How is that Burnside Council Report going, Russ, ya dog turd?  And only a fuckhead would name their kid after Che Cockatoo-Collins.
• Jersey Boys - fair dinkum, if I fucking hear one more bar of "Sherry", every one of the squeaky-voiced cunts will definitely not be walking like a man. And big girls don't cry, they play for Sturt.  Or are the CEO of the Crows.
• Aaron Edwards - the serial fuck tard gets shickered at the Cox Plate a week after being signed by Richmond. A tiger can't change its spots.
• Richmond - fuck, they know how to pick em. 
• Jason Gram - arrested for breaching a restraining order.  The alleged victim, an AFL premiership, says Gram has been stalking him for his whole career but Gram refuses to accept she will never be his. 
• 5AA's John Keaneally - for playing fucking annoying music grabs everytime the station returns from an ad break.  John, you boring sack of shit, noone wants to hear 10 seconds of Billy Joel's "Piano Man" or ABBA's "Dancing Queen" every fucking morning.
• Tim Ginever - a radio star??  Fucking hell, whoever 5AA's talent scout is, he or she is a fucking minda.  First Stephen Rowe and now Chinever.  Who next?  Daryl Poole? 
• Rhonda and Ketut - for fucksake, Ketut, take ya fucking beer goggles off.  Rhonda must be giving you one big tip.  Or is that the other way round?
• Tanya Pilbersek - wants the threat of super bugs put on the Government's agenda.  Why not start with all the fucking white ants in the Labor Party.
• Bernard Tomic - the new Mark Phillipousiss of Australian tennis.  Both have ties to military - one is a Scud, the other is a Tank. And what were you really up to at 3am in a fucken hottub with a male friend? Bernard Tomic? More like Bernard fucken King by the sound of it.
• AFL players  - gambling has overtaken drugs and alcohol as their number one threat.  Wouldn't bet on it. I would have thought being drafted by Port would be far riskier.
• Foundation for Alcohol and Research and Education - for suggesting that taxes on alcohol should rise. All these fucking tax increases are driving me to drink.
• Gary Glitter - did the cunt ever do work experience at the Catholic Church?  Cut his nads off. 
• Ninemsn - for yet another insightful, ground-breaking headline, "Why Kate's hair is the most envied."  Can't wait for the follow-up, "Why Pippa's arse is sore."
• Israel Folau - the $6 million dollar man.  Worst sporting investment since Mike Rann used my taxes to suck off Lance Armstrong.
• Andrew Demetripoo - for trying to say that the Israel Folau experiment was a success.  Yeah, ya dumb fat wog, just like the Port Power experiment.
• Those fucking annoying family stick figure stickers on car windows - asifIgiveashit about how many fucking kids and pets you have.  It tells me one thing about ya though, you are a family of fucking Chads.
• Kris and Kendall Kardashian - they have arrived in Sydney no doubt already sucking kock.
• The USA - for allowing Imran Khan into the country.  But thank fuck they told that cheating fucker Sarfraz Nawaz to go fuck himself.
• A certain Liverpool supporter by the name of the Puma who sent Laurie Holden an abusive text message at half-time of the Arsenal v Reading game when the Gunners trailed 0-4 - stupid fuckwit was very quiet when the final score was 7-5 in favour of Arsenal.
• The Redbacks, again - for batting Kane Richardson at number 3 against Tasmania. Dickheads.  Why not fucking bring back Jim Higgs to open the batting. 
• Disney - after buying LucasFilms are threatening to make another Star Wars film.  Nothing like flogging a dead horse to death.
• Chrissie Swan - pregnant again.  Fucksake.  Wayne Swan is also pregnant after being fucked in the arse by the Mining Tax. 
• Redheads - genetic scientists are saying they could be extinct in 100 years.  Fucksake, we have to wait 100 years for Julia to cark it?  Why can't she just fucking die of shame? 
• BBC - not only have they been exposed for not outing serial paedo Jimmy Saville they've also got another 9 staff under investigation for the same thing. Didn't know the Catholic Church was involved in media ownership.
• Halloween - stick your American bullshit up your arse.I must confess though I saw what I thought was one kid with a ripper gargoyle outfit, turns out it was Jenny Williams out for a walk.
• Toblerone - was never a fan anyway but even less so know after the manufacturer has been busted stiffing customers by putting less chocolate in but still charging full tote odds. Mind you if you do eat that crap you get no fucken sympathy.
• Captain Hook - Port River dolphin who has been approaching fishing boats hoping for a free feed or pinching fish from their lines. Is there nothing down the port that doesn't ask for a fucken handout?

Round 28 Winner

Adelaide Crows, you lucky pricks. Any other week and you would have stitched up at least one of the awards. First you recruit a fucken plank like Kurt Tippett, then you pay him a good quid despite him doing fuck all. Then as his contract nears an end you offer him a bucketload of cash to stay. But wait there's more. In order to sweeten the deal they make a ' secret agreement ' that lets him go to the club of his choice after his new contract expires. Only problem was they didn't keep it secret because some dumbfuck put the details in an email.Oops. So the cunts have been caught out trying to cheat the system there but it gets even funnier when we find out the cunts have been rorting the salary cap as well to pay for this giant turd who makes Randall Bone look like Royce Hart. It was jolly good of you to contact the AFL to confess your crimes, but I'll bet you wouldn't have said fucken boo if you hadn't been caught you fucken wankers.I hope they throw the book, the kitchen sink, and the whole fucken house at you. Make all the excuses you want, plea for mercy, you can get fucked, take what's coming, I and other footy followers are laughing our fucking tits off. Eat shit.
The Eugene goes to former host of Jim'll Fix It, pommie 'entertainer' Jimmy Saville. Rumours have been abound for years that he was a filthy cunt who liked touching up young kids, and now he's done the world a favour and pegged it, it's been revealed that there are over 300 allegations of him being a kiddy fiddler. 300 for fucksake. The poms generally turned a blind eye claiming he was just an eccentric, just a fucken pervert more like it. They even knighted the cunt for fucksake. Not surprisingly the Catholic Church also bestowed 'honours' upon him, giving him a Papal knighthood in 1990, not sure what for exactly but with the track record of that mob they probably knew what he was like and gave him his Papal pat on the head for services to child molestation. So why was this prick allowed to get away with these heinous crimes for the best part of 50 years? Did he have dirt on others involved in the same disgusting practices? Or did people just sweep it under the carpet and hope it would stop,well the arseholes that knew are guilty, they could've brought the fucker down and did nothing. Many may recall Jimmy Saville as a personality, an eccentric, a character. The truth is he is nothing but a repulsive child molesting rapist. He deserves nothing in death but the revulsion of all, fuck you Jimmy, rot in hell.
So that leaves us with the winner of The Chad Medal - Lance Armstrong. 7 time winner of the Tour de France, cancer survivor, lying drug cheat. Which do you reckon he will be most remembered for? In a sport that's known for being as dodgy as a Craig Thomson expense account he is the king. He shits on David Copperfield, he's pulled one of the greatest ruses you'd want to see. When he won all those Tour de France titles people lauded him as a magnificent athlete, a beacon to all those who have suffered that you can triumph through adversity. What a fucken sham that was, he was cooked. And not only that, he coerced, intimidated and threatened others into doing the same. When fellow riders, doctors etc made accusations of him being on more drugs than Keith Richards he continually pleaded innocence, and said he was being victimised.But the truth has emerged, you're a crook, right up with such luminaries as Marion Jones, Ben Johnson, and fellow one nard and rampant drug user Adolf Hitler. So you think saying nothing will convince people of your innocence? Get fucked uniball the only reason you have kept silent recently is you know you're fucked and if you admit the truth you're in line for a stint in the can. So take your Chad Medal cunt, it's the only award you've earned for a long fucken time.

Round 27 Nominees

• Elizabeth Escalona - was recently jailed for 99 years for glueing her two year old daughter's hands to a wall and beating her so severely she ended up in a coma because she had problems with her toilet training. Fuck the 99 years shoot her in the head, she is filth.
• Sherrin - had to recall 450000 Auskick footys because they were made by child labour in India and some had needles in them. How to make a young kids day memorable, tell him 8 kids died making his footy and take him to the emergency department for a tetanus shot
• Elderly drivers - get off the road for fucksake, how many more times do the old fuckers need to plough through a shop front because they accidentally hit the accelerator before we say enough is enough. The latest effort resulted in the driver cleaning up their neighbours inside a doctors surgery. Fucken old people, they can't even control their bladder let alone a motor car.
• Parramatta Local Court - threatened a bloke with contempt of court because he represented himself dressed as a clown. What's wrong with that, Bernard Finnigan went to court dressed as a respectable member of society and he's a kiddy porn watching lardarse.
• Roxanne Allan - produced a series of completely fucking stupid ideas for publication in The Crapvertiser about what to do with your kids on their school holidays. Her best effort was painting with your feet, which consisted of putting full paint trays on your a driveway and let kids go wild on bits of paper. Obviously she ain't got kids, that's the dumbest idea I've heard since Freo picked up Danyle Pearce.
• Stewart Dew - his missus recently gave birth to a baby girl and he didn't name it Nicole. You bastard. 
• Tammy Franks - Greens MLC who got pinched for not filing tax returns for 10 years. She claimed she forgot due to the stress of her marriage breaking down. For 10 years? Bullshit, that's as pissweak an excuse as Mary Jo Fisher's last excuse for pilfering.
• Troy Chaplin - one of the reasons he used for his decision to leave Port was that he wanted to escape the fishbowl environment. Funny how the cunt spent half his life on the radio,tv or twitter then. Just like his efforts on the paddock, pointing fingers at others ( he's a monty for the role of ET if they do a stage production )when the only fuckarse he didn't but should've been looking at was himself. 
• Federal Liberal Party - have proved politics is littered with hypocrisy after they got busted canvassing the vote of Labor MP Craig Thomson.
• The Taliban - shot a 14 year old girl because she dared to promote female education and criticised Islamic extremism. Congratulations on confirming the stereotype others have of you as being a COMPLETE BUNCH OF BACKWARD, SCUMBAG CUNTS.
• Jimmy Saville - thankfully now dead, but the truth has come out about the arsehole. He makes Bernard Finnigan look like a clean skin, once said to have claimed he didn't have a computer because he didn't want anyone to think he was downloading child pornography. Didn't need to, as the over 100 kids he molested would testify he did enough damage in person. Rot in hell you cunt.
• Lance Armstrong - busted cunt, nowhere to run nowhere to hide. 
• Iraq soccer team - claimed before the recent World Cup qualifier that the Aussie team were scared. Fucken oath they were, of some nut job towelhead blowing them up.
• Daniel Worrall - recent SA Deadbacks debutant who obviously hasn't been in the system for too long as he claimed they have a ' steely resolve '. Hehehe good one champ I think you'll find it's more of a alfoil resolve. And good to see another SA lad making his debut, the cunt comes from Victoria.
• The AFL Rules Committee - here's an idea, fuck off. When you have a complete knobhead like Kevin Bartlett making decisions impacting on the fabric of the game you know it's a sick joke. What's the latest changes - you aren't allowed to approach an opposition player under lights on their right hand side without a formal application countersigned by a special Justice of the Peace? You aren't allowed to kick a ball with your left foot on a Sunday if the player you are kicking it to is allergic to gluten and has a urinary tract infection?  Stop fucking with the game you bunch of dildos.
• Channel 9 - are in a world of financial shit, and no wonder, when two of your high priced ' stars ' are Tracy ' I 've got a head like a bulldog chucked in a blender and no I'm  a lezzo, mainly because not even a thunderous diesel dyke would fuck me ' Grimshaw and Sonia ' I've sucked some serious cock to get on tv ' Kruger.
• French people - they're like Eagles supporters, arrogant cockheads. Accordin g to a recent survey one in five French people admitted that they don't shower daily ( the other four are obviously liars ),some only shower once a week ( some? ), hand washing is ' not always a priority for the French ' ( somewhat like displaying bravery in combat ), 1 in 8 admit they don't wash their hands after using the dunny ( possibly because they think their shit doesn't stink ), yet claim that buses and trains are ' the dirtiest objects in daily life ). No fucken wonder, they're full of dirty, stinking French fuckers who don't shower, and have fingers that stink of piss and shit.

Round 26 Winner

Not even going to bother with nominations this week. You know why? The fucken South Australian cricket team, the mighty Deadbacks that's why. You reckon they were shit last year, well wait there's more. Remember watching the Shield win back in the 90's? Remember when they could actually play decent cricket?  A long long time ago, I remember how the cricket used to make me smile, they had a fresh chance, to make their supporters dance, and maybe make them happy for a while. Anyway , enough Don McLean ripoffs, back to the real world where they're still a fucken joke of a team.When a mate recently asked me what would I do with the mighty red backs, I responded with I'd do something, but it would involve a fucken elephant gun. All they have displayed is a huge steaming pile of gutless, insipid bullshit. It's garbage, and unfortunately it's obviously ingrained in the culture . They're used to being shit and have obviously come to accept that being a laughing stock is part and parcel of the job, but as long as you still get your pay check right fellas? I'm fucken sick of it, watching them makes me want to fucken vomit. So what's the answer? We can all talk about restructuring the grade system, limiting second rate imports, etc etc but until they start to show that they hate losing and want to fight all the other crap  is irrelevant. You know the sort of bloke the need to put in charge - someone like Idi Amin. You get a chance, you make a complete fucking hash of it you get chopped up into little bits and fed to the pet croc. A little out there I will admit but anyone else got a better idea?
So take your Chad Medal, and your Eugene for that matter. With the possible exception of that rubbish they call 20/20  it once again looks like it's all you'll fucken win again this season.

Round 25 Winner

In a damning indictment on the state of South Australia the winner of the Eugene and The Chad are their two football teams and their supporters. The winner of The Eugene for pure fuckery is Adelaide Crows supporters. I've already given my reasons why they are loathed in the nominations but because I can't fucken stand them I'll have another crack. They don't know the rules - just because one of your mob gets tackled it's not too high, and every time one of your mob lays a fingernail on an opposition player doesn't mean it's holding the ball. Get a fucken rulebook and have a read you pack of fucking mindas. The AFL despite your vehement protests are not against you, the rest of the supporters from the other 17 teams are however and you only have yourselves to blame. You're smug,ignorant, insular fuckwits who know less about the game of football than KD Lang does about sucking cock. I get a couple of free tickets with my doggies membership every year to watch a Camry Cows game which I refuse to take up, even if they are playing the mighty hawks, because I don't think I'd last the game without trying to belt some fucking sense into some of you fuckwits. 
The winner of The Chad Medal is Port Power. As I said in the nominations,
 they can't get anyone to sponsor them ( would you want your business  affiliated with that bunch of clusterfucks? ), no one wants to play for them ( fair dinkum if a useless cunt like Troy Chaplin thinks he can do better you must be fucking pus ), no one wants to coach them ( as much 
as they try to blow smoke up Ken Hinkley's arse he was their only option bar digging up Fos Williams ), no one wants to support them ( it would be a barrel of laughs watching that clown show every week but I was led to believe that there were 300000 Port supporters, yet they can't get more than 15000 to a home game. Even Freo when they were going like a busted arse would still pull 25000 -30000, and that's fucken Freo, perennial basket case. So you can take from that their supporters are pissweak front runners, one tradition they did take from their time in the SANFL ). They tick all the boxes don't they? And I must say all I can do is laugh, because to be quite frank it's very fucking funny. I've said it before and I'll say it again, wallow in your own shit, you once again have won The Chad Medal, if only your club was this successful at.............well everything. Hahahahahahahaha, fuck the lot of ya.

Round 25 Nominees

• Adelaide Crows supporters - by far the least knowledgeable and most ignorant supporters in the modified rules league. You could deadset write a book bigger than the fucken Bible about what they don't know about the game. Their rational is if they have the ball, they are the gods fucken gift. If someone tackles them it's too high or in the back. If they tackle someone it must be holding the ball even if they just ripped the cunts head off. Etcetera fucken etcetera, they know nothing, just a hybrid mishmash of fuckarses,dumbfucks and malcontents. Stick to what you know something about,knitting,drinking cheap chardy, and enjoying the smell of your own farts. Don't you dare say that you support an interstate team, you're not a true Sth Aussie. And now the wankers are in the finals all of Sth Aus is supposed to support them, heaven forbid if don't, well you're not a true Sth Aussie and you should go and live in Victoria if you like it so much. It's this sort of bullshit that makes everyone who's not a crows supporter fucken despise them with a passion. What an arrogant pack of wankers, they've been pissing on about winning the flag since the pre season, and after a soft draw in the regular season reckon that all they had to do was get ready for the GF celebrations in September. Fuck off the lot of ya, even if you got to the GF and it was against Collingwood I'd support them over you pack of  cunts.
• Tony Dey - this prick is a deadset thief. The amount of times he destroys games of footy seemingly because it gives him a stiffy are far too many to mention, but it is fucking lovely that he seems to save a fair chunk of his cheating fucking bias for Centrals. Time after time he dry roots the dogs, a perfect example being the recent final against West. West probably would have won without his help but the prick did everything in his power to give them a huge leg up.   On behalf of all football followers and in particular Centrals supporters I say FUCK OFF.
• The SANFL Tribunal - gave Centrals onballer James Boyd two weeks for whacking that little fucking turd from Sturt Matthew Jaensch. Belting fuckarses like Jaensch, or anyone from Sturt for that matter should not result in a punishment, I think Boyd should have got 3 Magarey votes.
• Stephen Rowe - when doggies forward Alan Obst gave a West defender Joel Tippett a well deserved belt which resulted in him getting suspended ,the doyen of commentators thought it was full back Yves Sibenaler who delivered the blow. Just one problem, he was over a 100m away from the incident. Stick to licking the crows arses you peanut.
• Sth Australian media - Rucci,Cornes,Rowe, Riccuito and all the rest, shut the fuck up the lot of ya. The mass saturation of Camry cows garbage is a fucken embarrassment, how did you go in the cows quizzes?Did you know that Scott Thompson uses three pieces of sunny paper to wipe his arse after a shit? For fucksake it makes me want to spew. And whilst the John McCarthy incident is a tragedy,the Adelaide media have made the whole incident into a complete circus, if it was you or me that had done what he did we would be chastised for our foolishness and would be lucky to even get on page 35.
• Optus - gonna fix my Internet any time soon? Hello Ryan? Ryan? How about you stop pulling your dick over Sachin Tendulkar photos and FIX MY FUCKING INTERNET YOU CUNT.
• Shared Wellingham - is considering leaving Collingwood because they aren't offering him the coin he thinks he's worth. Got some tickets on yourself champ? I wouldn't pay fuck all for the ponce, he spends more time preening his hair than Essendon 'hard man' Mark McVeigh. Has the carbon tax increased the price of gel that fucken much?
• The six women who staged a protest at Jobe Watson's Brownlow Medal press conference -apparently their gripe was that horses get more coverage in the media than women in sport. There's a reason for that, most women's sport is as boring as batshit to watch. 
• Alan Jones - Sydney's answer to Bob Francis has again shown his class with a tirade against Julia Gillard,saying that the reason for her old man's passing was " The old man died a few weeks ago of shame " . Wait till the body's cold you fucken crusty old parasite. It's not her old man's fault she's turned out to be a fuckup.

• The Cairns AFL competition - former Camry Cows and North Adelaide spud Nick Gill kicked 106 goals in their comp this year. Need any more reasons?
• Kurt Tippett - just fuck off to NSW for christsake,I'm sick of hearing the bullshit about your contract negotiations.
• Adrian Bayley - the filth that kidnapped, raped and murdered Melbourne woman Jill Meagher. Nothing they do to this prick will be enough for the crime he's committed, they should put a bullet in him. 
• The Australian Judicial system - allowed Adrian Bayley back in public even after he pleaded guilty to 16 charges of rape against 5 women a decade ago. Why was this prick not locked up for good? The blood of Jill Meagher is on the hands of the fuckwits that let this animal have a second chance.
• Robert Hughes - lead actor ( I'll be fucked if I'll use the term star to describe what he called acting ) of sitcom Hey Dad is being extradited on sexual assault charges ). Hey Dad, you're a dirty fucken rock spider.
• Female tv viewers - for watching fucken crap like Winners and Losers, Downton Abbey,Please Marry My Boy, Offspring, and Packed to the Rafters thereby giving them better than average ratings,attracting big sponsorship dollars and keeping them on tv. Start watching decent shows like the footy,cricket, and anything that involves people getting the shit blown out of them.
• Stephanie-Krystie Chin- since joining social network drivel Twitter in 2007, has made more than 193,000 tweets, or an average of 106 per day. When questioned she made the remark " It either means I'm really clever, or I don't have a life ". I know which option I'd pick.
• Ryan Schoenmakers - Hawthorn plonker has revealed that the way he likes to relax before a game is to watch a movie, preferably an action film. It's a shame he's not a fan of horror films,I've got a decent collection of Hawthorn games where he's the star attraction.
• Kim Kardashian - fucken twitter, this tart thought every needed to know " I just hope I'm not turning into one of those cat ladies that's tweeting too many pictures of her pet ". If by pet you mean your thrashed out flange, everyone's seen it. Move along nothing to see here.
• New Zealand immigration officials - are considering giving convicted rapist Mike Tyson a visa to enter the country. Sheep nationwide await the decision nervously.
• Cecil Chao - Hong Kong businessman has offered $65 million to any bloke who can win the heart of his lesbian daughter. Self-styled lothario Kevin Foley was last seen hurriedly boarding a plane at Adelaide airport.
• Cameron Spencer-Long - punnethead who got pissed and hijacked a taxi, whilst blissfully unaware that there were two people in the back who were later injured. According to his lawyer he suffers from a Jekyll and Hyde personality when under the influence. Don't think so pal, the only thing he suffers from is being a pissed fuckwit.

• Matthew Newton - didn't someone's old man fork out for an expensive lawyer? The greatest Aussie acting export since Yahoo Serious got off charges of punching a taxi driver. Apparently Moonface's young bloke ( who shall hereafter be known as Cockface ) is now a changed man, I can only a assume it means he's now changed the drugs he mixes with grog whilst smacking his girlfriend round.
• Adelaide City Council - have run into a bit of a problem with the giant white elephant that is the Victoria Square development after discovering that the ground is contaminated. Who would've thought that all the urine and stale VB dregs that have been spilt there over the years cold have done any harm.
• Bernard Finnigan - well fuck me dead and call me a lard arsed paedo, it was old Bernard who was the Labor MP who's been downloading kiddy porn, who would've picked that. 
• The husband and wife who thought it appropriate to circumcise their 6 and 7 year old daughters  - sick fucks, just because you have a religious belief doesn't give you the right to mutilate your children.
• Matt Damon - " luckily, I found out all three of my youngest girls love broccoli ". It's no wonder they like broccoli, with an old man like him they're used to having vegetables in the house.
• The couple from Norway who won lotto three times, each time  just before or after the birth of their three kids - what's so special about that, go to Elizabeth shopping centre and look at the fat arsed single mothers in lycra spending our tax dollars whilst dragging on a ciggie  with a newborn hanging off their tit. They get a fucken handout everytime as well.

• INXS - can't find any more shit lead singers so they're contemplating touring with a Michael Hutchence hologram. So for Suicide Blonde are they gonna just show him in his hotel room with a stiffy and a belt round his neck?

• Port Power - no one wants to play for ya, no one wants to watch ya, no one wants to sponsor ya, and no cunt wants to coach ya. Hehehehehehehehehe fucken gold.

Michael Avon - might pay to have eyes in the back of your head next time you venture out to Elizabeth oval you cheating cunt. Whatever James Gowans said to you after the game against North you fucken deserved.

Crows supporters - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Kurt Tippett's fucked off, have a cry you fuckarses. You know the secondary reason why he left? He fucken hated playing for a team supported by a pack of retarded squealing pigs.

Hawthorn - way to chuck away a grannie , learn to fucken kick.

Round 24 Winner

It's been a couple of weeks since the last posting and the reason is fucking Optus providing a shithouse Internet service. I had quite a few nominees listed but they're that old they're more dated than a Port Power premiership shirt so I canned them. You pay good money for a supposedly reputable Internet company to provide you with a reliable service but what you get in reality is a useless pack of shite which leaves you standing with your dick in your hand for weeks while they try to explain that your modem is not compatible ten fucking times,despite the fact up until recently it was fine and then it was changed for another which you also said was no good. Well you're fucken wrong Ryan, fucken Ryan my arse, how many Ryan's have you ever spoken to that sound like Apu from The Simpsons? They don't listen to anything you tell them, they just spout off their Optus handbook bullshit. So I in the meantime am forced to spend extra coin on another internet provider whilst these arseholes take my money for nothing, somewhat like what Troy Chaplin does at Port.
So needless to say you don't have to be a rocket scientist to work out who won the awards this week, hopefully normal service will resume next week but if I get my hands on 'Ryan' I may be in a Mumbai lockup after I've throttled the prick.

Round 23 Winner

Despite the best efforts of deadset fuckarses like James "I'm rather partial to the smell of my own farts" Magnussen and The Olympiczzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, the winner of both The Eugene and The Chad is Port Power. What a fucken joke, they are $4 away from declaring bankruptcy, the board wouldn't know if their arses were on fire, the coach looks like a stroke victim, the fans are retards who've jumped ship faster than that spineless Italian cunt off the Costa Concordia, and the playing group has all the sporting talent of  a John Howard off spinner and heart of Fiona Coote mid operation. Brett Duncanson, want a tissue cunt? Primus, had no chance, it was like a legless Lt Dan with a club full of Forrest Gumps, Cassisi , as shite a skipper as Van Berlo is don't ya reckon he'd be sitting back saying "how the fuck can they say I'm a worse skipper than this prick? " How easy are they to take the piss out of? Check out their club song:
We've got the Power to win ( you cunts couldn't win a fucken chook raffle if you bought all the fucken tickets, how about that loss to GWS, half of em are that young they can't play night games cause it's after their bed time )
The Power to rule ( you have as much power to rule as "I'm a puppet of the unions and Greens" Julia Gillard )
Come on, Port Adelaide aggression ( bahahaha, pushing blokes in the chest with a limp wrist, hello Danyle Pearce, and whacking people when they're not watching, hello Hamish Hartlett,you're fucken scaring the shit out of me )
We are the Power from Port ( you are the soft,weak, insipid, spineless joke from Port )
It's more than a sport ( that part is true, it's also a fucken top laugh watching you pricks wallow in the shit you created )
It's the true Port Adelaide tradition ( which if I'm not mistaken is all of about 16 years in this comp, and a fair chunk of that your tradition has constituted rolling over like a Chinese badminton player whenever you had to actually show some business acumen, leadership,effort or spine )
We'll never stop,stop,stop ( it might pay you to fucken start first )
Till we're top,top,top ( the only thing you wankers are going to be top of is business retardation,clanger counts and bruise free footy )
There's history here in the making ( and by being the first club to lose to both new clubs GWS and Gold Coast in consecutive seasons you have created history that you can never erase, hehehehehe )
We've got the Power to win ( I think we've covered that part )
We'll never give in ( hahahahahahahaha, you give up quicker than an Italian infantryman )
Till the flag is ours for the taking ( that's the only way you're going to get a flag, by pinching it, now that's the TRUE Port Adelaide tradition ).

Round 23 Nominees

• Bruce McAvaney - we've had enough of delicious, special and the other drivel you spout, just admit you want to root messrs Reiwoldt, Rioli and Judd and shut the fuck up.

• Leroy Jetta - this cunt should be in the Olympics, he dives like Matthew Mitcham and bleeds like Greg Louganis.

• Adam Scott - the successor to Greg Norman has been ordained, blew an unassailable lead in the British Open by bogeying the last three holes. After consideration to follow on from the Great White shark marine themed nicknames the new king shall be named
  The Flounder.

• The SA Government - are contemplating moving the Clipsal 500 forward to avoid the mad march. How many more stupid fucking decisions do this mob want to make. Where the fuck is Isobel Redmond, surely it can't still be undergoing gender reassignment.

• Tony Dey - he's just a deadset incompetent, self indulgent cunt.

• Nicole Cornes - for her efforts at the Santos Adelaide mid-winter charity ball where she wore the same style of dress that Angelina Jolie wore to some wanky yank awards ceremony. The main problem is, it looks like she wore the same size dress as Jolie despite being shall we generously say a wee bit heavier. It fair dinkum looks like someone stuffed a sack with potatoes and chucked a fucken trout on top. Yeah, we really believe that Stewie Dew would've fucked that.

• America - for their belief that it is everyone's right to be armed, great idea that, how many more mass shootings do you dickheads need to prove that you are wrong? Let's face facts, Queen Liz ain't gonna come back to invade any time soon, the place is a shithole, even the Mexicans have built a tunnel under the border so they can get back away from the joint,so it's probably safe to say  that you don't really need a military AR-15 automatic rifle with a 100 round drum magazine, which you bought online to protect your home. Watched Red Dawn one too many times fucknut? Why do you need to let the fuckarses build up an arsenal when you've got a Navy, Air Force, Army, Marines, Navy Reserves, Air Force Reserves, Army Reserves, Air National Guard,, Army National Guard etc etc, is cletus mcsisterfuck's right to bear arms something that should be cornerstone of your way of life?

• The AFL match review panel - pinged Jack Ziebell for four weeks for contesting the footy. Pull your fucken heads in you wankers.

• Sam Stosur - shouldn't be surprised but Slamming Sam bombed out in the first round at The Olympics. Flounder Scott is shacked up with the wrong female tennis player.

• Bernard Tomich - did a Stosur.

• Casey Dellacqua - did a fatter version of Stosur.

• Anthony Mundine - stuck his nose into the Steffensen "I didn't get picked because of my colour" debate. There's a track history here, weren't you the same dickhead who made the same allegations after being overlooked for State of Origin? These wankers use the race card whenever they don't get their own way, it's fucken bullshit, you want people who had legitimate cases for arguing they were ostracised for their colour look at Jackie Robinson, Jessie Owens or David Kantilla, yet they still made it despite the obstacles. Cunts like you and Steffensen use the same excuse because you don't want to admit you weren't good enough.

• Virgin Airlines - have ordered cabin staff to undergo etiquette , posture, and language classes in order to change their 'sexualised image'. They can't even call someone mate unless the passenger is a frequent flyer who must go online and specifically request they are addressed that way. What a load of wank, next time I fly I might have to get on the website and ask them to refer to me as the cunt with a 12 inch trouser snake ( it ain't true but it would liven up the flight )

• London Olympic Chiefs - whilst I agree with some of the things they've banned - frisbees, vuvuzelas ( anyone seen with these should have them rammed up their arses ), oversized hats - they've also banned flags and will chuck out anyone wearing a Pepsi shirt as it's not an accredited sponsor. You want to ban something, ban the Mexican wave, it's the worst export those tostada munching cunts have produced including swine flu. I fucken hate it but I have a solution, shoot the first person who tries it, I'm fairly sure that would deter any other pinheads from trying it.

• Kermode St residents - more than a dozen have chucked the toys out of the cot and are opposing nearby pub The Queens Head's application for a new function area arguing it  would be a "threat to the whole ambiance of  the ( St Peters ) Cathedral precinct ". Stuck up pack of cunts, want to know the biggest threat to the ambiance of the area? The church and it's paedo mates.

• The Indian reporter who asked Steve Waugh whether there was a role for sledging at The Olympics. - Waugh replied with "there is always a role for sledging mate", closely followed by "by the way I heard Sachin Tendulkar likes the taste of cock".

• Christopher Nolan - director of the latest Batman film who said after the cinema shooting at the Batman midnight screening "Movies are one of the great American art forms. That someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating ". Now whilst this is a tragedy you're laying it on a bit fucken thick, is this the same art form that produced such shit as Showgirls, and anything with Meg Ryan or Billy Crystal in it?

• Natalie Cook - threatened a protest if a woman wasn't the Aussie flagbearer at the openeing ceremony. Why's that Nat, want a good fucken perve?

• Le Bangkok - Melbourne  restaurant who activated 10 roach bombs after close Saturday night, somehow they ignited and blew the back door off its hinges, destroyed a wall and shattered a second storey window - the upside is their supply of appetisers for the following night trebled in one bang. That's what you get when you use an ACME company sponsored Wiley Coyote as your suicide roach bomber.

• Pakistani Taliban - one mob of Taliban fruitloops got the shits with another mob of Taliban fruitloops and suicide car bombed their compound. Hehe I think we've found the place for the Dumb and Dumber sequel.

• Peter Goers - stated that Nicole Cornes was a "true glamour". Get some new glasses cockhead.

• Wallace Weatherbolt - Florida airboat captain who had his hand bitten off by a 2.7m alligator in the everglades whilst taking some tourists on a ride may face charges for feeding it. Graham Cornes has been threatened with similar charges in regards to his missus.

• WWT Eagles - hehehehehe still going shit.

• Port Power - for their sterling effort against Freo. Even their own supporters ( all 8 of them ) booed them off. One person was chucked out for allegedly flashing a browneye but this was later revealed to be Jenny Williams' head.

• Warren Tredrea - when questioned by Chris Dittmar if the Power were a soft club remarked "that's your opinion ". And the opinion of everyone else, take your head out of the sand ya fucken ostrich.

• James  Magnussen - you big mouthed fuckwit, worked out well for you didn't it, and nice to see your team first ethos after you fucked up the relay and showed no interest in the rest of the team. Who are you sponsored by - Glenelg? There's no I in team but there sure as hell is in FUCKWIT.

• The Olympics - I thought the idea of the Olympics was to promote the best athletes in the world, yet watching the swimming I saw some cunt with floaties on who nearly fucken drowned. Fair dinkum this prick swam slower than Jack Newton with an itchy ball, apparently you don't have to reach an Olympic qualifying standard if your country is run by despots who shoot people for sneezing. What a hypocritical load of shit.( and yes I'm aware of the irony of me saying that despite continuing to watch so don't fucken start )

• Badminton - for fucksake, tanking in badminton. 8 of em got chucked out for it, thereby allowing Australia to get eliminated one round further along. I must take umbrage with the crowd who booed them though, why the fuck would you want to go and watch that crap in the firstplace, you deserve what you get.

• The two Canadian rowing coaches who, whilst riding on the path near the river next to their charges during a race collided and fell in - good to Canadian sporting prowess hasn't changed.

• Seen Lee - female Aussie weightlifter who obviously hasn't seen an epilady for a while judging by the two squashed badgers she had stuffed under her armpits.

• Arrogant Aussie athletes - the thing that shits me off most about the Olympics is the amount of Aussie athletes who are being arrogant cunts. They sound like everything we hate about Americans and look like wankers when they fall on their arses ( which most have ), but they are representing their country and making us look like shit too. It's  un Australian acting like that, Aussies quietly bide their time and then deliver a giant fuck you after the event.

Round 22 Winner

No need for nominations this week, Ricky Nixon has stitched it up. Just when you thought he couldn't be any more or a fuckwit he goes and assaults his new missus and has a crack at the cops when they try to arrest him. Fuckwit. So thus I give you the tale of Ricky Nixon to the tune of Toni Basil's 'Mickey'
Hey Ricky, you're a cunt
Confirmed it with your latest stunt
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky, you're a prick
Again you've shown that you're a dick
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky, you're all class
Beat your missus you fuckarse
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky
You'd had a busy night
Before the cops had come along
Ok to belt your missus right
Nope again you're fucken wrong
Cunts like you they are a slight
On the human race you mong Ricky
Then Tegan called the bill
Go quietly, no you won't
You're still off your face on pills
Resist Ricky, maybe don't
Fuck it go on do it cunt and the cops'll break your bones Ricky
Oh Ricky what a pity
You don't understand
You don't get to take to women
With a wrinkly old backhand
Oh Ricky what a shitty
Excuse you're for a man
It's turds like you Ricky
Still on the snow Ricky, grog Ricky
D'ya break her arm Ricky?
The Herald Sun follows your moves
Cause it's a cert they know
That every time you move
You'll sink to a new low
Now it's death threats and abuse
How low can you go Ricky
So hopefully a judge will chuck you in the can
Wanna be a deadshit thug
Take what's coming like a man
Ah, question Ricky, question
D'ya like your time again Ricky?
Oh Ricky, get no pity
Cause you understand
You've the charms of a wet fart
Or cancerous anal gland
Oh Ricky, futures shitty
Least your life ain't bland
You're a gutless pig Ricky
And now ya screwed Ricky, screwed Ricky
So take your Chad Ricky

Round 21 Winner

As a fitting tribute to the impending Olympic Games we have the winners of this week's awards, which go to show athletes and administrators are equally capable of being total fuckarses. The winner of The Eugene for complete fuckery was a tie between Tamsyn Manou and Jon Steffensen. Both of these two have bitched and moaned about their non selections, one claiming it was racially motivated, the other that a time she ran when she was 8 should be enough to get a gig. Shut the fuck up both of you, it has nothing to do with race,gender or what type of fucken undies you wear. IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING SHIT. The reason you didn't get picked is because we don't want our national representatives getting lapped by some cunt from Guinea Bissau, we've already got a fucking embarrassment leading the country,we don't need to give people any more ammunition to chuck shit at us. Tamsyn, fuck off to Saudi Arabia where the only Olympic qualification you need is to have a vagina, and Jon, might be time to move to American Samoa where their qualifiers consist of chasing squealing pigs. In your case it would be like a dog chasing its tail.
The winner of The Chad Medal is the London Olympics, it hasn't even started and it's given me the shits already. The opening ceremony looks like something dreamed up by John Major after a joint, the mascots ( Vaudeville and Hemlock )look like one-eyed dildos  ( batteries not included ), the city is still a filthy shithole, the bloke in charge of security is getting paid a shitload despite not being able to guarantee that a) there will be sufficient security numbers b) that the security they do have will be adequately trained in time c) that some of them will even fucking show up,  and the residents are still a pack of rude cunts. And who the fuck kept synchronised swimming and greco roman wrestling in, for fucksake I know wrestling goes back to the ancient games but if you want to see two blokes getting sweaty dry rooting each other in the guise of sport you don't need it in the Olympics, just go to Sturt footy training. The sooner they get darts in the better. So well done, you're golden Chad awaits you, just don't let those shifty fucken Romanian pickpockets pinch it.

Round 21 Nominees

• Floyd Mayweather Jnr - is currently serving a 3 month sentence for domestic battery where he attacked his former girlfriend while two of her kids watched, and has asked to released from jail because he claims the low quality food and water are a threat to his health. Hmmm a bloke who smacks his missus round in front of the kids is complaining about food being a threat to his health, how does a giant shitburger with the lot sound.

• Mary Jo Fisher - old light fingers can't take a trick, she's been pinched for shoplifting again and still owes her legal team from her first trial 10 grand.

• Quyen Nguyen - owner of a Noodle Box store has been busted underpaying an employee $10000 and made the employee sign a 'contract' stating "I get pay amount $11 per hour and I do not complain anything about my wages". Don't think so pal, me think you stingy fuck who need pay fucking money.

• Tom Cruise - gonna go bouncing on Oprah's couch now ya missus finally came to her senses and fucked you off dickhead? Go back and have a sook with all your other fucken cult members, do us a favour an stage a WACO reenactment

• The AFL Match Review Panel - what a joke, Taylor Walker cops three weeks for a tackle that ended in him getting a fucken free kick! You watch Chris Judd get fuck all for trying to snap someone's arm off though.

• Federal MP's - have received a sneaky 3% pay rise after receiving a pay rise only 4 months ago. I don't think Mary Jo Fisher is the only thief in parliament.

• The Migration Review Tribunal - allowed a single Lebanese woman to stay in the country even after finding that she paid a bloke $20000 to marry her just for residency. Two words - fuck off.

• Guy O'Keefe - former South Adelaide player has been sentenced to 150 hours of community service for drug trafficking, to make him suffer they are making him do the time at South Adelaide Football Club.

• Woodville West Torrens - currently sitting on the bottom of the SANFL ladder. It's a shame hehehehe pigs fucken arse.

• The Olympics - zzzzzzzzzzzzzz underwhelmed anyone?

• The London Olympic Committee - have come up with two of the shittiest looking mascots you would ever want to see. They look like the end product of  Kodos from The Simpsons fucking the one-eyed bird off Futurama.

• Julia Gillard - is absolutely certain the carbon tax is the right policy to give Australia a clean energy future and it will not destroy business and jobs. If that's true why did you state that there would be no carbon tax under your government?

• The RSPCA - had convicted paedophile Dennis Ferguson working as a fundraiser for them. That's as bad an idea as having Tony McGuinness working as a phys ed teacher at an all girls high school.

• The bloke who flashed two women in Adelaide wearing a bright pink beanie and a netball skirt - apparently the offender is short, clean shaven with a slim build and a wrinkled face. James Allan is assisting police with their enquiries.

• Buckinghamshire Police - have fined a guy 60 quid for inattentive driving after he had a perve at a bird's arse.

• Essendon - for their new away strip, it looks like leftovers from Battlestar Galactica. I didn't think it was possible to make Brett Stanton look any more of a shirtlifter.

• Hawthorn - for playing Lance Franklin against GWS despite him coming off the week before with a tight hammy. The result - a hamstring injury that will sideline him for 2-3 weeks. Dumbfucks.

• Jamaican Construction Workers - whilst doing some work for a hotel by the beach full of tourists who had come to see endangered leatherback turtles they managed to drive over and crush thousands of the turtles eggs.

• Tamsyn Manou - despite not having run close to an Olympic A qualifying time, Tamsyn can't work out why they didn't pick her to go to the Olympics. She is blonde.

• The Olympic Committee - have used their discretionary powers to allow female athletes from Brunei, Saudi Arabia and Qatar to compete despite them being slower than Warren Tredrea reading the news. Hey Tamsyn, I think we've found a loophole for you.

• Olympic Dam protesters - exactly what the fuck are you protesting by having a big hairy cunt dressed up in a frock? Go and get a fucken job.

• Justin Beiber - for crimes against humanity, the cunt has to go.

• Stacy Wilson Betts - is suing Beiber for $9.2 million for hearing loss she attributed to the screaming of fans at one of his concerts. You get fucken nothing, if you were stupid enough to pay money to go and watch than prancing little cunt you deserve anything that comes to you. I would've thought that hearing loss would be beneficial at one of his concerts.

• Jon Steffensen - has claimed his non selection in the 400m at the Olympics is racially motivated. No I think it might actually be talent motivated fucknut.

• Arsenal and Liverpool Football Clubs - for their latest away strips, it looks like someone spewed up a Freo guernsey.

Week 20 Winner

It's a Port Adelaide crapstravaganza this week for the awarding of the winners of The Chad Medal and The Eugene. The winner of The Eugene is serial offender Michelangelo Rucci. Just fuck off, this is supposed to be a bloke who is a Port supporter yet seems to love nothing more than sticking the boots in. Personally I love seeing Port cop shit but for this prick to parade himself as a Port man then get the cutlery set out when things go bad proves the true nature of the cunt. Mind you, that's Port to  tee. If this wanker is the chief football writer in this state is it any wonder the eastern states laugh their guts out at SA?
The winner of The Chad Medal is seagull extraordinaire Danyle Pearce. Loves puffing out his chest and acting like a tough guy but is in fact weaker than an Indian Commonwealth Games bridge. Like most seagulls he prospers when running along the boundary line with noone within 50m of him, but when any pressure is applied he crumbles like a fucken Arnott's biscuit. Loves a yap too this cunt, always seen mouthing off at opponents, pity you can't take it back you piss weak squib, as evidenced by his reaction to Will Minson telling him he'd rooted Danyle's mum for half an hour the night before. Did Danyle take it like a man and just accept that this sort of banter is part and parcel of the game? Fuck no he ran off to tell on him like a sooky year 3 kid. You know what you should've replied with - I was wondering why you weren't home last night when your mum was spinning on my cock like a chook on a rotisserie. If that sort of remark affects you that easily you must be thinner skinned than a fucken 90yr old haemophiliac, fucken grow up you pathetic child. He didn't comment on your race, colour or sexuality ( which, coming from Sturt you leave yourself wide open to remarks ), what happens on the field stays on the field. All you have done with your actions is make yourself look even softer than you did before, and that's a fucken stretch. You've won The Chad Medal, why don't you take it home to show mum, might want to knock before entering though, you never know who might be visiting.

Week 20 Nominations

• The Australian Olympic Committee - are obviously on their rags after their display in sanctioning swimmers Tim DÁrcy and Sophie Monk after they had the gall to pose with some guns in a gun shop in the US. AOC chef de mission Nick Green said the duo's conduct "brought themselves into disrepute", "I now have concerns regarding your lack of judgement", and "Australian Olympians are required to meet very high standards of conduct and we cannot risk the reputation of the team through non- compliance with the team membership agreement". They posed with guns in legally run gun shop, that's all you wankers. They did nothing which would tarnish the Olympic team's 'reputation', unlike yourself you fucken peanut. Aren't you the cunt who made a fucken dickhead out of himself dancing on tv advertising Goulburn Valley peaches? Who out of you and them really made Olympians look like bumbling fuckwits? Over sanitised bullshit is all that decision is, it's funny how you won't let them pose for a photo but turn a blind eye to Olympians all dropping their pants quicker than George Michael in a toilet block and going off like a frog in a fucken sock in the Olympic Village.

• Tony Pilkington - was awarded an OAM for his services to ???????? Pilko commented on his long association with former Woodville dud Barry Ion after receiving the award that "when you look back on it, all we were doing was just amusing ourselves. We were surprised so many other people enjoyed it ". You're not the only one's surprised cunt.

• Luke Jarrad - was a notable absentee from the recent Queen's Birthday Honours List printed in the Shitvertiser but I am reliably informed he was in fact awarded a Conspicuous Service Medal for his life's dedication to being conspicuously absent whenever the opportunity arose to enter into a hard ball contest.

• Michelangelo Rucci - has kept up his reputation for being a slimy weasel after his recent tirade against Port Power after their loss to the mighty Hawks on the weekend. He must have been pissed off that they won a couple, but he was waiting like a fucken vulture for them to lose again so he could tee off. It seems he gets satisfaction from them fucking up just so he can continue to peddle his drivel.And this cunt is supposed to be a port supporter! With 'friends'like that, who needs fucken enemies? And it gets even better, after his mid-season report on the AFL teams, he gave Matthew Primus a tick for the year so far. You fucken what, it was only very recently that Rucci was writing the epitaph on Primus's tenure as Port coach, basically saying he was fucking useless, and now he's doing a good job? So now the coach is doing his job, but the team is "going down the u-bend"(as you put it) are they you fucken weasel. You are a fucken disgrace, how about covering the football, not just using the paper as an outlet for your constant self-indulgent streams of shit editorials. Or even better, just fuck off.

• Port Power - did their number one fan Rucci proud with a laughable display against Hawthorn on the weekend. They tried puffing out their chests and acting like hardnuts but were weaker than American beer.

• Danyle Pearce - just because you shoot your mouth off and bump into someone a couple of times doesn't make you tough you fucken squib. Try getting the ball, something you did fuck all of on the weekend. The Lee Ryswyk of the AFL.

• Luke Ivens - quote the Shitvertiser "will be available to face the Eagles at Woodville on Sunday despite being a spectator for the 2nd half because of a hamstring complaint". How could they tell he was injured, he's been a spectator since 2001.

• Angus Monfries - complained of a laser being pointed at him at the footy on the weekend. It wasn't a laser, it was a sniper rifle guide. Stop running away and stay still for fucksake you seagull.

• The scumbag who chucked a cat off an overpass and onto the windscreen of a car - there are some dead-set sick fucks in the world.

• The London Olympics opening ceremony - aren't they pulling out all the stops to make this a ripper. All things that supposedly symbolise merry old England such as ducks on a pond, fake clouds that rain, maypoles, a horse and plough and a variety of farm animals. How about having some snippets of current London  ( all of which I encountered when I went there a few years ago )- surly West Indian cafe workers, shonky dope smoking Pakistani taxi drivers, unemployed skinhead deadshits, fucken rude Indian take away staff, snooty old cunt cricket followers and overpriced piss.

• David Nankervis - he really missed his true calling in life, a fucken comedian, as his article about how to stop Hawthorn and in  particular Lance Franklin in the recent Sunday Mail had me in stitches. Such ripping ideas as "fill the team's water bottles with Adelaide tap water, laugh as they writhe in agony" had me falling off my seat with uproarious fits of mirth.

• Peter Threfall - the pommie copper who who wanted to come and live in Australia with his family, who was originally refused entry because of his autistic step-daughter. Rightly the decision has been overturned but he's going to work in Ceduna for fucksake. Do ya research mate.

• Catherine Hockley - wrote an article in the Shitvertiser about how to get a good night's sleep - drug free. That's all well and good but you obviously wrote the article for childless people as there's no such fucken thing as a good night's sleep when you've got kids without something helping you, be it pills,booze or putting a pillow over your head.

• Burger King - To halt the recent slide in sales Burger King are introducing such artery clogging culinary delights as bacon sundaes. Fucken Americans, as if they're not fat enough.Chrissie Swan has applied for permanent residency.

• Dora the Explorer - if you are the parent of a young kid you will understand where I'm coming from. If you don't, trust me, consider yourself lucky. So Dora and her talking fucking monkey try to get from A to B, but it aint that easy. How do we get there, lets ask the talking fucking map. The map says we have to go through the forest, over the bridge, past the mountain range. Get yourself a new fucken map cause that one is rooted. If you've ever seen the show you'd notice that to the left or right of all these obstructions is grass, normal everyday grass,all the way to the destination. So fuck the map, walk around, and you don't run into snakes, rivers, trolls, rolling boulders, and thieving fucking foxes ( if it was dinkum the fox wouldn't pinch her gear, he eat the fucken monkey ). I'd like to see a show where they go "map,how do we get to grandma's house?" And the map responds with "Are you fucken blind or just thick. Walk straight up the fucken hill you stupid, blind little drug running, burrito munching, swine flu carrying, tequila swilling fuckwit".

• AFL Hall of Fame selectors - for picking Graham Skeletor Cornes. Get fucked, he's a deadset cunt. Whatever he may have achieved in football has been well and truly overridden by the fact that he's a deadset cunt. Apparently it wasn't only his football that got him a gig but also his charity work with retards ( the South Adelaide Football Club, Stephen Rowe, Ken Cunningham, and the spittle twins Kane and The Chad ) and a long standing association with the gay community ( the Adelaide and Glenelg Football Clubs, and the spittle twins Kane and Chad ).

Week 19 Winner

Rule Britannia! Britannia rule the waves. Britons never never never shall be slaves. They are however a country of fuckwits as evidenced by the winners of The Eugene and The Chad Medal this week. The winners of The Eugene are Mick and Maired Philpott, the couple who after losing their six kids in  a house fire went on tv crying and wailing about their loss. However it didn't take long for the coppers to charge the two cunts with murdering them. You fucken animals, lets hope you get what you deserve, death.
The winner of The Chad Medal is Chrissie Swan, that wobble arsed pig who used to be on The Circle. After being a spokesperson for Jenny Craig and dropping 10 kgs ( presumably she was weighed after taking a shit ), Jabba got herself up the duff and went to town, eating enough to feed an African country for 2 years and putting on a shitload of weight. Numbers are sketchy on how much she porked on but if it was anything like what she put on when preggers with her first kid, a fucken lot ( 55 kgs if you don't mind, I've heard of eating for two when you're pregnant, but eating for 8? ). I'll be the first to admit I like eating a bit of crap food and am carrying a few kilos I shouldn't, but fuck me show some self restraint. All the 'good' Jenny Craig did was washed away by a torrent of cholesterol. But she not only has made herself a prime candidate for a heart attack but her eldest, who is 3years old, is 7 kgs overweight. No one doubts she loves her kids but that's fucked. Monkey see, monkey fucken do, if he sees mum gorging what's he going to do? Do what you want to yourself, but you owe it to your kids to give them a chance of growing up healthy. Some kids are a bit pudgy, some aren't but no kid is naturally a fat little fucker, and that's your doing and noone elses. Pull ya finger out ( not out of a pie ) and do the right thing. Take your fucken Chad Medal, you've earned it. And just like the Logie you somehow won,no it's not made out of chocolate so don't try taking off the wrapper.

Week 19 Nominations

• Stanley Dajka - became a drug dealer to help son Jobie reach the top in the cycling world. Jobie ended up a dead junkie, well done dad.

• PLoS ONE - printed an article saying research indicated that old people have a more pleasant odour than their younger counterparts. Fuckwits, what would you rather the smell of, rexona or piss?

• Vladimir Putin - has had a sooky and won't go to the Olympics after British MP's campaigned against human rights abuses in Russia. I'm sure they're gutted.

• Luka Rocco Magnotta - porn actor arrested for dismembering his boyfriend and mailing his body parts to various agencies. Puts a new twist on the term headjob doesn't it?

• Wayne Rooney - has vowed to be on his best behaviour at the 2012 Euro championships. I think he meant George Best behaviour.

• Jeff Kennett - thinks he may be able to help problem gamblers if he becomes a director on the board of James Packer's Echo Entertainment, who have Crown Casino as one of their biggest shareholders. Righto cunt, and Tony McGuinness might be able to help out at sex addicts anonymous too.

• Craig Hatchard and Ataman Asland - blew up a letterbox with fireworks, Superman is still in intensive care.

• Chrissie Swan - claims to be doing the best for her kids whilst having a 3 year old son who is 7kg overweight. How about you stop feeding him your diet of fucken lard you wobble arsed behemoth and the little fucken pudge ball might lose some weight.

• Prince Harry - wore a wheat bag on his head on the royal barge during the Diamond Jubilee River Pageant.

• Maha Al-Sudairi - Saudi Princess who did a runner from a French hotel owing $8million. A Jewish Muslim.

• The American bloke who was shot by the cops after being caught eating half a homeless man's face - fucken Americans will eat anything.

• Ivan and Catherine Fry - travelled from their Melbourne eastern suburbs home to Tullamarine airport to drop off their son and got lost on the way back. Apparently they ended up as far away as Bairnsdale and in all travelled 500km. A search party was sent out to see where the fuck they had got to and eventually found them 8 km from their home. The first person on the scene said the couple were starting to panic as they were down to their last two Crown Mints.

• The stupid moles on Kmart ads - one of em holds up something and checks the price tag that says $159, then looks under that to reveal another tag for $129. "That's $30 less" says Alberta Einstein, 159 take 129 ..... ummm........ well fuck me she's right.

• The EPL - are considering dropping champagne for the man of the match award to avoid offending muslims. Go and get fucked, if you don't like it, don't take the bottle, I'm sure Joey Barton or Wayne Rooney will take it off your hands.

• Jack Wighton - Canberra NRL winger is going to miss the rest of the season after breaking his toe on a backyard trampoline. The aforementioned trampoline,Lara Bingle was not injured in the incident.

• Bill Shorten - canned the idea of Liberal MP George Christensen to make welfare cheats take drug tests and take benefits away from those who test positive. That is one of the best ideas I've ever heard you fucken clown, but I'm not surprised, this is the man who made the statement recently " I understand that the Prime  Minister has addressed this in a press conference in Turkey in the last few hours, I  haven't seen what she said, but let me say I support what it is she's said ".

• Queen Elizabeth II - just cark it for fucksake. Apparently the Queen can be quite frugal when it suits, once sending back half a lemon that was used as garnish on a meal to the chef in case he could re use it. That's very decent of you you old bag but what about the millions of tax-payers pounds that were spent on your Diamond Jubilee? That's ok is it you old trollop?

• The Diamond Jubilee celebrations - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, what a wank, even Prince Philip faked a bladder infection to get away from it, there's nothing wrong with him, he was just fucken bored.

• Mick and Maired Philpott - after feigning horror when interviewed about the fire that killed their six kids they have both since been charged with the kids murder. Cunts.

• Vince Weiguang Li - Chinese immigrant who beheaded and cannibalised a Canadian bus passenger in front of travellers 4 years ago has finally gone to trial and claimed he thought the bloke was an alien. Just goes to show even the Chinese don't find their own food filling and need a top up.

• The FIFA World Cup Slogan - "all in one rhythm", this is supposed to unite all fans who travel to Brazil. I think you'll find all fans will be united, in looking for refunds when their hotels haven't got running water,when they get their pockets fleeced by some little cunt in a Ronaldo shirt and the stadiums the games are supposed to be played in aren't finished.