Week 20 Nominations

• The Australian Olympic Committee - are obviously on their rags after their display in sanctioning swimmers Tim DÁrcy and Sophie Monk after they had the gall to pose with some guns in a gun shop in the US. AOC chef de mission Nick Green said the duo's conduct "brought themselves into disrepute", "I now have concerns regarding your lack of judgement", and "Australian Olympians are required to meet very high standards of conduct and we cannot risk the reputation of the team through non- compliance with the team membership agreement". They posed with guns in legally run gun shop, that's all you wankers. They did nothing which would tarnish the Olympic team's 'reputation', unlike yourself you fucken peanut. Aren't you the cunt who made a fucken dickhead out of himself dancing on tv advertising Goulburn Valley peaches? Who out of you and them really made Olympians look like bumbling fuckwits? Over sanitised bullshit is all that decision is, it's funny how you won't let them pose for a photo but turn a blind eye to Olympians all dropping their pants quicker than George Michael in a toilet block and going off like a frog in a fucken sock in the Olympic Village.

• Tony Pilkington - was awarded an OAM for his services to ???????? Pilko commented on his long association with former Woodville dud Barry Ion after receiving the award that "when you look back on it, all we were doing was just amusing ourselves. We were surprised so many other people enjoyed it ". You're not the only one's surprised cunt.

• Luke Jarrad - was a notable absentee from the recent Queen's Birthday Honours List printed in the Shitvertiser but I am reliably informed he was in fact awarded a Conspicuous Service Medal for his life's dedication to being conspicuously absent whenever the opportunity arose to enter into a hard ball contest.

• Michelangelo Rucci - has kept up his reputation for being a slimy weasel after his recent tirade against Port Power after their loss to the mighty Hawks on the weekend. He must have been pissed off that they won a couple, but he was waiting like a fucken vulture for them to lose again so he could tee off. It seems he gets satisfaction from them fucking up just so he can continue to peddle his drivel.And this cunt is supposed to be a port supporter! With 'friends'like that, who needs fucken enemies? And it gets even better, after his mid-season report on the AFL teams, he gave Matthew Primus a tick for the year so far. You fucken what, it was only very recently that Rucci was writing the epitaph on Primus's tenure as Port coach, basically saying he was fucking useless, and now he's doing a good job? So now the coach is doing his job, but the team is "going down the u-bend"(as you put it) are they you fucken weasel. You are a fucken disgrace, how about covering the football, not just using the paper as an outlet for your constant self-indulgent streams of shit editorials. Or even better, just fuck off.

• Port Power - did their number one fan Rucci proud with a laughable display against Hawthorn on the weekend. They tried puffing out their chests and acting like hardnuts but were weaker than American beer.

• Danyle Pearce - just because you shoot your mouth off and bump into someone a couple of times doesn't make you tough you fucken squib. Try getting the ball, something you did fuck all of on the weekend. The Lee Ryswyk of the AFL.

• Luke Ivens - quote the Shitvertiser "will be available to face the Eagles at Woodville on Sunday despite being a spectator for the 2nd half because of a hamstring complaint". How could they tell he was injured, he's been a spectator since 2001.

• Angus Monfries - complained of a laser being pointed at him at the footy on the weekend. It wasn't a laser, it was a sniper rifle guide. Stop running away and stay still for fucksake you seagull.

• The scumbag who chucked a cat off an overpass and onto the windscreen of a car - there are some dead-set sick fucks in the world.

• The London Olympics opening ceremony - aren't they pulling out all the stops to make this a ripper. All things that supposedly symbolise merry old England such as ducks on a pond, fake clouds that rain, maypoles, a horse and plough and a variety of farm animals. How about having some snippets of current London  ( all of which I encountered when I went there a few years ago )- surly West Indian cafe workers, shonky dope smoking Pakistani taxi drivers, unemployed skinhead deadshits, fucken rude Indian take away staff, snooty old cunt cricket followers and overpriced piss.

• David Nankervis - he really missed his true calling in life, a fucken comedian, as his article about how to stop Hawthorn and in  particular Lance Franklin in the recent Sunday Mail had me in stitches. Such ripping ideas as "fill the team's water bottles with Adelaide tap water, laugh as they writhe in agony" had me falling off my seat with uproarious fits of mirth.

• Peter Threfall - the pommie copper who who wanted to come and live in Australia with his family, who was originally refused entry because of his autistic step-daughter. Rightly the decision has been overturned but he's going to work in Ceduna for fucksake. Do ya research mate.

• Catherine Hockley - wrote an article in the Shitvertiser about how to get a good night's sleep - drug free. That's all well and good but you obviously wrote the article for childless people as there's no such fucken thing as a good night's sleep when you've got kids without something helping you, be it pills,booze or putting a pillow over your head.

• Burger King - To halt the recent slide in sales Burger King are introducing such artery clogging culinary delights as bacon sundaes. Fucken Americans, as if they're not fat enough.Chrissie Swan has applied for permanent residency.

• Dora the Explorer - if you are the parent of a young kid you will understand where I'm coming from. If you don't, trust me, consider yourself lucky. So Dora and her talking fucking monkey try to get from A to B, but it aint that easy. How do we get there, lets ask the talking fucking map. The map says we have to go through the forest, over the bridge, past the mountain range. Get yourself a new fucken map cause that one is rooted. If you've ever seen the show you'd notice that to the left or right of all these obstructions is grass, normal everyday grass,all the way to the destination. So fuck the map, walk around, and you don't run into snakes, rivers, trolls, rolling boulders, and thieving fucking foxes ( if it was dinkum the fox wouldn't pinch her gear, he eat the fucken monkey ). I'd like to see a show where they go "map,how do we get to grandma's house?" And the map responds with "Are you fucken blind or just thick. Walk straight up the fucken hill you stupid, blind little drug running, burrito munching, swine flu carrying, tequila swilling fuckwit".

• AFL Hall of Fame selectors - for picking Graham Skeletor Cornes. Get fucked, he's a deadset cunt. Whatever he may have achieved in football has been well and truly overridden by the fact that he's a deadset cunt. Apparently it wasn't only his football that got him a gig but also his charity work with retards ( the South Adelaide Football Club, Stephen Rowe, Ken Cunningham, and the spittle twins Kane and The Chad ) and a long standing association with the gay community ( the Adelaide and Glenelg Football Clubs, and the spittle twins Kane and Chad ).