Week 30 Nominations

• Mr and Mrs Vromen - Israeli couple who named their son Nimrod. Why not just name the kid "Fuckarse", you've ensured he'll be getting a lifetime of floggings, ya cruel pricks.



• The Remuneration Tribunal - awarded federal MP's a $1500 rise for accommodation when they travel to Canberra. Talk about snouts in the fucken trough, there's a perfectly good tent city directly opposite Parliament House ya greedy cunts. And most stay in Fyshwick, anyway.



• Matt Shirvington - must have done his sports-reading training at the KKKKKKen Cunningham school of monkeys because his efforts on Sky Sports are fucking atrocious. I reckon ya might've spent a bit too much time in those lycra nut-crushing outfits, Shirvo. The cunt sounds more like Matt Damon from the Team America movie.



• Matt Primus - for saying Kane Cornes is not finished as a Port player. Hehehe righto fuckwit, so why's he playing for the Bays this week? Could it be that the only reason you're saying you're going to hold on to the fucken sheepdog is that you don't want to cop shit for having to pay out the last two years of his contract after the Choco debacle?



• John Worsfold - "sledging is a waste of breath". Bullshit, it can put an opponent off his game and give you an edge on him. You're trying to tell me , for instance, if you ran around near Tony Armstrong asking what bus the cunt caught to the game, or asking Stephen Milne if he's raped anyone lately it won't put them off their game and give you an advantage? Get fucked, I bet you don't really think that, it's just a dribble for the media, fucken political correctness gone mad again.



• Todd Viney - see John Worsfold



• Adelaide Crows - re-signed Bernice Vince. Seriously, fucken why, was your sponsorship with Spotlight dependant on the cunt playing for ya?



• Bernie Vince - for giving everyone false hope when he tweeted that he had resigned, instead of re-signed with the Crows. You cruel cunt.



• Greg Chappell - Bye bye Gregory Stephen. Shit-canned. Did fuck all in his position as selector and even got banned from the change room whilst the Oz team were batting. They must have got sick of hearing him recite the story of why he stood his ground when Martin Snedden claimed a catch when he was batting in a one-dayer in the early eighties. Mind you, Snedden was a cunt.



• Tim Nielsen - Shit-canned. About fucken time, it's finally caught up with old Teflon Tim. He's overseen us go from the dominant team in world cricket to a fucken shitheap. He has however been invited to apply for his job back. Good luck cunt, you've got as much chance of getting the gig as Shaun Tait has of growing a backbone.



• Andrew Hilditch - Shit-canned. His obsession with being a compulsive hooker cost him his test spot and his obsession with being a compulsive fuckwit has cost him his gig as chairman of selectors. Fucken toodles cunt.



• Tanya "Sweet" Chilly - 33yr old Victorian dumbfuck who blew .233 after having a car prang with 9 unrestrained kids in her car. Two words - compulsory sterilization. And hand back your fucking Collingwood membership.



• Soumitra Sen - Indian High Court justice has been impeached on corruption charges after allegedly pinching large sums of public money. Doesn't that sound like the dealings of a scoundrel? Or maybe just a shonky, dishonest, thieving cunt?



• Shane Warne - fair dinkum, cut it out Warnie you look like a knob. Have you seen his latest garb, it looks like he's dressed in the kiwi one-day uniform from the early 1980's. You want to know a good diuretic Shane to help you lose weight - fucken beer mate, have 10-11 pints and you're pissing like a busted tap.



• Ricki-Lee Coulter - reality show b-grade celebrity who looked pretty fucken tidy before she took on the Warnie diet, now she looks like one of the freaky little cunts out of Lord of the Rings. Have a feed for fucksake.



• Shaun Micallef - was in talks with ch10 to start up a Rove McManus type comedy show. Thankfully Ch10 actually made a rational decision for once and canned it after informing Shaun that anything like a Rove McManus show is going to be as funny as waking up after a big night out with Angela Bishop lying in the nuddy next to ya. I was just a little bit sick in my mouth after picturing that.



• The 'man' who robbed a Victorian CFA station whilst they were attending a fatal car crash - hopefully they catch the cunt and use the jaws of life to prize his arse cheeks apart wide enough to insert a fucken fire engine. You're a piece of shit.



• Rolling Stone Magazine - has voted Eminem the most successful rapper in history. Says something about rap music doesn't it, like it's fucken shit. It's a bit like voting Danyle Pearce as the most successful pillow of all-time, not something ya gonna brag about.



• Mooney Valley Races - Race 2 was named The Down Syndrome Sprint. Now I'm all for supporting a good cause such as this but why the fuck would you allow a horse named "Power Plant" in the race, that's just taking the piss, especially when Chad Cornes was seen riding the fucken thing. Incidentally it ran like a fucken pig. Further humour was derived in race 4 with the Nicole Cornes tribute horse "Crabs" running.



• David King - has said that Port should sack Primus and replace him with Rocket Eade despite Primus still having 2 years left on his contract. Yep, they're on the bones of their arse and you want to pay this cunt for the next two years to do nothing, mind you they've been paying Danyle Pearce for the last 4-5 years and he's done fuck all.



• Brad Hardie - in reference to the sacking of Rocket Eade has said - "it's been more about personalities and egos of people outside of coaching and who know nothing about what makes a good coach". Talk about a fucken ego, aren't you the cunt who, after getting dragged in a game for Footscray by Mick Malthouse had a big sook and took off your guernsey, then waved it round your head like a woofter on mardi gra night? And didn't you go on to bigger and better things, you ended up looking like a morbidly obese Mark Roberts when you went to Brisbane you dumbfuck. Hello pot, why hello kettle, you're looking a rather darkish hue old chap. Why so are you coincidentally, fucken cockhead.



• Rowey and Studley - for calling Tom Logan, "t-shirt Tom". Fuck off. There is only one "t-shirt Tom" and he is the legendary Tom Hafey. More like fucken teabag Tom.



• The Melbourne man told by doctors that he was pregnant - well, Scott Cummings, ya fatty boom bah, surely you weren't surprised by that diagnosis?



• Dan Murphys - for advertising a bottle of scotch priced at $10,700. That should go down well mixed with the $25,000 bottle of Coke, sourced especially from Colombia.



• Jane Lomax-Smith - for a severe case of "jobs for the boys" or in his/her case, "jobs for the trannys" in being named Chairtranny of the SA Museum. Can't wait for the new Mike Rann exhibit to open, particularly the Chantelois re-enactment scene.



• 50 greatest Harry Potter moments - that would be fucking easy as the closing credits are the only highlights of Harry fucking Potter movies.



• Australian Racing Board - for approving a 1kg rise in minimum jockey weights. Fuck off, those fat little greedy fuckers don't need to stack on any more weight, feed the cunts dust.



• All showbags for the upcoming Royal Adelaide Show passed the test - yep, they checked every single bag and found them all to contain the mandatory 100% pure crap. Look out for the new Jay Weatherill policy showbag this year - all it contains is a bloodied knife and a blank piece of paper.



• Craig Thomson - for allegedly using union credit cards to pay for hookers and to withdraw $100,000 to bankroll his election campaign. Actually, you might have done us all a favour, Thommo, by hopefully forcing a bi-election in your electorate which will then spell the end for the Joooolia and Bob Brown marriage.



• Footballers who run into an open goal and boot the ball out of the ground - fuckwits. You should be made to go and fetch the ball, you wankers.



• Neil Patrick Harris - "sorry I haven't tweeted lately. I fear I have run out of things to say." Don't be sorry, Doogie, you are doing the world a favour by the shutting the fuck up.



• The woman arrested for fleeng a botox clinic in NZ without paying - photos of her taken before the treatment were published and led to her arrest. The photos released after her treatment led to the arrest of Sam Newman.



• Fred Bassett cartoon - come on, for fucksake, this cartoon has been running for 50 years and not once has it ever been funny. Time for a trip to the vet, Fred.



• Starbucks - fined $72,000 for firing a bloke because he was a dwarf. As if Grant Denyer needs the money.



• Glenelg - different coach, same result - a 20 goal loss to the Eagles. hehehehehe



• Kane Cornes - a vintage Kane performance for Glenelg - 40 touches in his team's 20 goal loss. Kane has now been involved in 3 consecutive 100+ point thrashings. Inspirational, Kane, inspirational. You made Luke Jarrad look hard at it. You don't wanna be traded? No fucking wonder, no cunt would want you, even Callington have told you to fuck off.



• Crows fuckheads like Craig Neil, Roo, and Brett Burton who lost a shitload of money investing in a fuel additive pill company that went bust. Lucky they didn't also invest in the pill company that Mrs Bock was offering them a stake in.



• Adelaide Zoo - for contemplating re-naming itself "Conservation Ark". For fucksake, that would be a real pissweak ark - with two each of Adelaide Zoo's main attractions - those two fat over-rated fucking pandas, Fuckstick and Faceache plus the much-loved Cornes brothers, Chad and Kane. Kiddies love to watch Chad and Kane perform their spittle act, Sing a Song of Sixpence a pocket full of phlegm.



• Bill Clinton - for becoming a vegetarian. Apparently, Monica Lewinsky has gone on a protein-free diet too.



• Richard Wilkins - for releasing his memoirs, titled Black Ties, Red Carpets, Green Rooms. Get fucked, Dick. I liked the original title better - Botox, No Brains, Peroxide.



• Channel 7 - for hiring Chad to provide special comments in the Port v Bulldogs game. The weather was expected to be fine for the game but now heavy showers are expected. Channel 7 were forced to install windscreenwipers in the commentary box and supply the other commentators with wet weather gear.



• Darren Simpson - the celebrity chef is partnering KFC for a range of signature chicken burgers. What a fucking farce, we all know there is no chicken in a KFC chicken burger. Apparently, Essendon are partnering Maccas to release a range of cheeseburgers, starting with the Stanton Poofburger. I can't wait for the Hird Happy Meal, which contains two bbqed pigs ears with a serve of lies on the side.



• Gordon Fucking Ramsay - his fucking Melbourne restaurant has gone fucking bankrupt. What a fucking nightmare. Gordon had only one comment to make, "fuck".



• Shepard Smith - the US tv news anchor wanted to tell his Fox News audience on Monday that London was looking for a "top cop" to run Scotland Yard after the recent riots. But it came out as "cop top" and then when trying to correct himself said "top cock". He's a top cock, alright. Reminds me of the time Sandy Roberts introduced Miss Australia, Leeanne Dick to an audience as Leanne Cock. And the time when two ETSA employees were introduced to each other for the first time - Jim Dick please meet Craig Cock (true story). Jim Dick had a hell of time ordering goods when he was procurement officer in Leigh Creek, "I'd like to order 50 rolls of toilet paper, 10 litres of cleaning fluid and 100 boxes of condoms....hello, hello, anyone there?" It is not the first grubby gaffe from Smith. In 2002 the anchor said Bronx residents were more likely to give singer Jennifer Lopez a "curb job than a blow job" when he meant to say "block party". He also made the same quip about Lara Bingle's secret to success, he said "blow job" when he meant to say "blow job".



• The Block - I finally caved in and watched an episode of this 'phenomenon' of a show, watched the last episode on Sunday night and fuck me was I not surprised. It was as boring as batshit, how the fuck do people religiously watch this crap, I'd rather watch bulldog Grimshaw prattle on about supermarket wars.



• The Chad Editor - for being fucking stupid enough to watch the Block. You fuckwit. There was more than enough fucking evidence to suggest that the show was going to be crap. 1. Scott Cam was the host 2. It was on Channel 9. 3. Scott Cam was the host



• The squealing girls who are following that cunt from the Twilight movies around in Australia - shut the fuck up, you sound like an abattoir full of pigs getting slaughtered.



• Muammar Gaddafi - have a laugh ya sour faced old cunt, you look like you've been sucking on a fucken lemon. Life can't be that bad surely, well actually it probably could, sucks to be you, eat shit.



• Glenelg residents - are squealing like the teenage girls following that cunt from the Twilight movies around about the proposal to put lights in Glenelg Oval. One fuckwit complained that it will revert back to the days when there was a disco nearby and revellers made a racket and even left faeces on the roads. Two things - 1) a disco? How far in the fucken past are you living fuckhead, that far back that the bays actually won something (I know I was shocked too but it did happen briefly ), skeletor was in his forties with his future bride Nicole just starting kindy. 2) the collection of faeces playing in yellow and black guernseys on Glenelg Oval would far outweigh the odd random choccie mr whippy left on the road by a pisshead on the way home.



• Magpies - fuck off, swoop me ya cunts and I'll come back with a Gray Nicholls and pretend it's Andrew Hilditch facing a bouncer in the 80's.



• Craig Riccuito - has done the family name proud by getting pinched for selling 2nd hand cars without a licence. His lawyer has asked for him to be spared a conviction as it may cause him to stripped of his qualification as a real estate agent. Fucken shonky cunt, what's next, a career in politics? I've got a new scheme for ya - fuel additive pills - ask ya bro all about it.



• Rob Nelson -Glenelg Chief Executive has asked the SANFL not to schedule any home night games against Centrals if they win approval to erect lights at their shithole. Quote fuckhead - "It's around perception. We haven't experienced (any problems or victories) or have any increased concerns with Central District supporters or any other team. There's a perception around it, that's why we requested that". So if you haven't any problems with any team, you don't have any reason to even mention Centrals supporters or make that request then do you you fuckwit. It must be the perception of complete cunts like you otherwise why the fuck would you bring it up in the first place. You are just pandering to the stereotypes of ignorant fucking cockroaches who think because they come from a supposedly more effluent (no that's not a fucking typo) area that they can pretend like they are holier than thou and others are scum. Yes Centrals have some fucken dropkick supporters, but tell me what club doesn't? Well cunt, ya might want to have a peek in your own backyard, I'll take you back a couple of years to a Centrals v cunts game at Glenelg Oval when one of your fucking choirboys stood in the face of one of my mates and said he was going to spit in his face whilst he was in the company of a kid who would've been no older than 6 or 7. As with many Glenelg supporters, and for that matter players and affiliates, he didn't follow through with his initial display of false bravado (which is lucky for him as my mate would've belted nine colours of shit out of him), he backed down and slunk away like a fucking coward. Yep, you're a superior bunch aren't you fuckhead, with a club that's best " perceived " for players planting each others wives and habitual failure on the field you've got a lot of fucken stones to throw don't you you cunt.



• Glenelg Football Club - for taking the proposed tightening of federal dog laws far too seriously (refer to previous nomination).



• The 17yr old who ran in front of a train and just missed getting killed - natural selection arrives just that little bit too late sometimes doesn't it.



• Shaun Tait - in reference to the recent report on the state of Oz cricket and its recommendations to remedy the slide dickhead said "Australia is still the no.1 team in one-day cricket, you can't have it all ". What a surprise you'd say that you blouse, you never got the fact that test cricket is the only important form of the game to be fucken good in. It was all too fucken hard for you wasn't it Princess Shirley, shut your fucken piehole and stick to commenting about things you know best, like selling your arse like a two dollar whore down on Hanson Rd.



• James O'Connor - missed the recent rugby union test squad function because he got too pissed the night before, thereby resulting in him getting dropped for the upcoming test. A career in rugby league beckons me thinks.



• AFL tribunal - rubbed out Essendon's Heath Hocking for a week for tackling Daniel Kerr. Now I'm loathed to defend any Essendon player but for fucksake, it was a legitmate tackle, you remember the tackle, it's an integral part of our game that you fuckheads are trying to sanitise out. LEAVE THE FUCKEN GAME ALONE!



• Animal activists - for calling on the use of stun guns on Port players before they get slaughtered this week.



• Dennis Cometti - "I can't understand why the Cornes boys can't get a game for Port." Jesus, Dennis, you've spent far too much time with Broooooce. I can't understand why Chad gotta gig on 7.



• The bloke who was arrested for feeding pidgeons near an airport - on a related matter, Adrian Anderson should get arrested for feeding the chooks.



• Banksia Productions - for going into receivership and having to put Humphrey B Bear on the market. When asked for a comment Humphrey said fuck all. Don't worry, Humpers, there is a career in politics waiting for ya, just look at Fat Cat - he's spent the last decade dressed up in his Pat Conlon suit.



• Bluescope Steel executives - share a $3 million bonus on the same day as they announced the sacking of 1,000 employees. Cunts.



• Jessica Beagley - for putting hot sauce on to her adopted 7 year-old son's tongue just so she could get on Dr Phil. Fuck knows what you would have done to the poor cunt to get on Jerry Springer.



• Amy Winehouse - coroners found no illegal drugs in her body, only alcohol. Yep, only some bourbon, scotch, gin, beer, tequila, brandy, red wine, white wine, champagne, vodka, grand marnier, kahlua, bundy, bacardi, tia maria, Baileys, sherry, port, muscat, and a shot of sambucca to wash it all down.



• Channel 9 - for being busted faking a live-cross to a reporter supposedly in a helicopter on location at the Daniel Morcombe search site. Turns out the dodgy cunts filmed the helicopter at the Channel 9 studios in Brisbane. Apparently, it also has been revealed that Tracey Grimshaw has been filmed over the last 5 years in her stables at Randwick and not the Channel 9 studios. Fuckwits.



• AFL - for making SACA members pay to go see Port v Melbourne at Adelaide Oval. HAHAHAHAHAHA You fuckwits. You couldn't pay me to watch that shit.



• Jackson Trengove - for re-signing with Port Power. You stupid cunt - you obviously don't care about winning for the next few years.



• Benji Marshall - for thumping a bloke who told him that he thought Darren Lockyer was a better player than him. But it did not worry Benji in the slightest that he also called him a no-neck, neanderthal fuckwit.



• The elderly Dutch soccer fan who got so angry with the referee that he rode onto the pitch in his scooter and tried run the ref over - Bob Francis, I didn't know you liked soccer and are Dutch.



• Kevin Rudd - for winning the Twinings Australian Afternoon Tea challenge. Fair suck of the sauce bottle, fuckwit. How fucking ironic. As the old saying goes, a person is like a tea-bag, you don't know how strong they are until they get in hot water. And Kevvie, when you got in hot water, you got the arse by your own mob, fuckwit! Weak as piss.



• The cunt who shot a goose with an arrow at McLaren Vale - hey, Robin fucking Hood, there is a goose called Gaddafi that could do with an arrow right now.



• Spain's Duchess of Alba, Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart - the 85 year-old aristocrat (who would have figured that out with that surname) is getting married to a civil servant 25 years her junior. Apparently, she is fucking rich and is Spain's leading aristocrat and is said to have even more noble titles than Queen Elizabeth. She can add this one to the list - Snooty Rich Fuckwit.



• The survey that showed Aussie men are more optimistic than women - no shit sherlock. We are always optimistic that we can piss into the toilet bowl without missing in the dark when we are pissed. We are always optimistic that noone is gonna hear that fart that we try to squeeze out at the dinner table and that it is not going to smell like a dead rat.



• Nicki Hocking - for stripping to make money to look after a shitload of cats. I'm sure I can work a line in about pussies but that would be just too fucking obvious.



• Clive Davies - the 54 year-old pommy cunt who left the White Horse pub in Cambridge and showed employees at a nearby grocery store a seven-inch blade he said he planned to use on the staff who had served him the unsatisfactory beef and onion sandwich. Employees at the store called police and Davies, who has a previous conviction for manslaughter, was apprehended in another local pub, the Lion and Lamb. Fuck knows what he would have done if he tried one of their lion and lamb sandwiches.



• Adidas - for launching a barefoot shoe. Adidas has offered a pair of the barefoot shoes to a barefaced fucking liar, Julia Gillard.



• A heavily-trafficked stretch of highway in Tennessee was temporarily shut down after police discovered four large canisters of bull semen on the road - apparently they fell off the back of Monica Lewinsky's pick-up truck. Obviously, the protein-free diet didn't last too long.



• Shurley - Shane Warne and Liz Hurley are to get married. No need for a plastic wedding cake decoration - the cunts can perch themselves on top of the cake. Is Plastic Bertrand going to sing at the wedding? Or perhaps the Plastic Ono Band might reform for the occasion?



• Speaking of fucking weddings, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries - for fucKsaKe. Each guest at their wedding recieved a gift bag - among the items were a Kite, a Kidney, a Kelpie, a Kangaroo, a Kazoo, a Kayak and even a fucking winged Keel. And Kepler fucking Wessels presented guests with the gift bags. Kermit the fucking frog was MC and the KKK provided security. What a fucking Kerfufle. Kunts.


• Grant Thomas - "some clubs are strangled by egos and management blunders." And you would fucking know, fuckwit!



• OMG and BFF are now in the Oxford Dictionary - what about NFI, SNAFU and STFU?



• Gerrard Durant - the 26 year-old pommy electrician who was wiring up a caravan when a compressed air hose somehow found its way up his arse, causing him to inflate. "The next thing I knew I felt this strong air being blown on my legs from behind, and then something went up my rectum through the shorts I was wearing." This case is eerily similar to the Steve the NZ truckie who also had a similar "accident". Accident, my arse, you sick fuckwits.