The winner of The Chad Medal this week was akin to Stephen Rowe, a no-brainer. Despite the best efforts of ' social commentator '/ ignorant, mouthy fucken arsewipe Mia Freedman with her disgraceful effort in denegrating the effort of Tour de France winner Cadel Evans, the winner is the man who was the inspiration of the creation of this blog through his many years of perfecting the art of being a complete and total fuckwit. It's the one and only Chad Studley Cornes.
Spittle boy, human sprinkler, arrogant fuckwit, bonafide knobhead, 'son' of a smug fossillised old cunt, brother of a dribbling sheepdog, stepson to an attention seeking fucken sook, self indulgent turd, social page seeking cunt, media whore. He goes by these and many more aliases, each as well earned as each other. You know when you google something you normally come up with interesting titbits of information, well when you do that to The Chad you get fuck all of interest but pages about the dangers of drowning in your own dribble whilst sleeping and how to be a media craving slut, which is perhaps the most accurate indicator on the cunt than anything else. So from the snippetts I dug up and some reflections of both my own and of some readers, I give you the brief story of Chad Cornes - cunt extroadinaire.
Chad was born on Nov 12 1979, the birth certificate has Graham and Pam as mother and father but urban legend has it he was the result of a three way orgy between Fred Phillis, Tony Mcguinness and a llama. ( An interesting sidenote if I may digress - two other things of interest also occured on Nov12 - 1) Charles Manson was born on this date. There's a fucken comparison for ya - a cunt who specialised in murdering people and a cunt who specialised in murdering the English language 2) For those of you who were sceptics about the merits of reincarnation check this out - on Nov 12 1035 King Cnut of Denmark died. 944 years later The Chad - King Cunt of Studley was born, coincidence? ) Early years for The Chad were happy if a little soggy, numerous times his parents had to change his sodden bedsheets in the morning thinking he'd pissed himself during the night but discovered The Chad had just dribbled whilst talking in his sleep. Chad was 'educated 'at Sacred Heart College, which is on the pricy end of the education scale. Luckily for 'parents 'Graham and Pam they were able to offset some of the price by getting The Chad to water the school ovals by talking non-stop during recess and lunch breaks 3 times a week. It was here that his teachers discovered The Chad had a talent for football, was a conceited, arrogant little cunt, and had a speech impediment that made porky pig sound like Geoffrey Rush. The amateur poetry recital in year 8 was apparently a disaster, with Chad's attempts at pronouncing " Seth at Sainsburys sells thick socks ", " six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards ", and " six slimy snails sailed silently " causing $85,000 water damage to the school gymnasium.
After school Chad came to the realisation that he was unlikely to ever be able to attain his dream job, speaker of the house in parliament, so he pursued the only other thing he saw a future in, football. He made his debut for Glenelg, the same club that 'dad' Graham and mum's root Fred Phillis had played for. With the last name Cornes comparisons to Graham were inevitable, would this lad be a trumped up little upstart cunt like him? You bet your arse. But apparently he also displayed enough football talent to catch the eye of AFL scouts, with Port Power drafting him, originally as an irrigation system for Alberton Oval, and also as a future player. And granted at his peak ( not a Brad Moran peak ) The Chad could play footy, not as well as he fucken thought but he could play a bit. His moment in the sun came in the 2004 winning GF when he held Jonathon Brown to a solitary behind, however what isn't commonly known is before the siren The Chad went up to Brown, shook his hand and wished him luck, and in the process spat in Brown's eye which rendered him legally blind for the duration of the game. So yeah he could play a bit, but didn't the cunt let everyone know how fucken good he thought he was. Constant fist pumping, sputem filled interviews, ego fuelled comments, and ' look at me ' appearances in fucken society pages took the gloss from whatever he may have achieved on the field. People were sick of The Chad, the urge to take a block of timber and smash it round his giant ego ridden melon was becoming a common wish for many football watchers. Fuck me how many times did the cunt manage to get his picture in the fucken paper, The Advertiser quickly became known as The Chadvertiser, the only place you didn't see him was in the fucken obituaries.
With fame and fortune, and with a fucken ego the size of Dawn French's arse controversy followed the Chad, culminating in a court appearance in 2008 for allegedly assaulting Fred Phillis, who at that stage was feeding the tiger into Chad's mum. Details are sketchy as to the exact reason for the altercation, but over the years three main theories have emerged 1) a revenge attack from when Wayne Phillis reputedly thumped skeletor in 1978 for alleged improper dealings with his then other half 2) Phillis took the piss out of The Chad for his lisssssp 3) Phillis thought The Chad spat at him when he asked if Fred wanted spicy sausages with sauce at a family bbq. It was about this time injuries started to curtail his football with crook knees, broken fingers,and a blistered tongue making it difficult for him to get on the field. The only thing that remained uninjured was his sense of self worth. But these injuries, together with a dramatic loss of form resulted in him getting dropped to the SANFL, hehe eat a shitburger. The writing was on the wall for The Chad, unfortunately he couldn't fucken read it. He was determined to keep going in 2011, even considering seeing a psychologist to help him regain his form. While you were at it you should've been seeing a fucking speech therapist too ya cunt.
So as season 2011 dawned, things looked bad for The Chad. His ego refused to accept that he was fucked and should chuck in the towel ( quote Chad " they'll have to push me out " ), so he sat on his arse in the SANFL, only getting a game when Justin Westhoff suffered from toe jam or Jay Schulz fell to bits like a rooted bit of cheap lego. Fair dinkum not getting a gig in a side that's getting pummeled is a fucken decent nudge dickhead. A mere handful of games were the result, and culminated in The Chad eventually seeing the light and pulling up stumps, after playing his last game against Collingwood, hehe premiership favourites, good team to finish against cockhead.
So what now for The Chad you may ask, well unfortunately for the public, with a last name Cornes you can bet he'll be in the fucken media. Can you imagine the shit he'd write in his newspaper columns - Chris Judd, good but not Chad good, how to be like Chad, surviving surplus saliva, how to be a media whore, and The Chad guide to making yourself the centre of attention. Fucken great, just fuck off to wherever Fweddy Mcguinness is and stay there you cunt, we're all sick of the fucken sight of ya.
So The Chad has finally won the medal emblazoned with his name on it. There is a certain symmetry to the awarding of the medal this week for it is more than well earned, for the years we have been subjected to listening and seeing the cunt have proved what a fuckwit he is, and that is what The Chad Medal is all about. Chad, you are well known for your " do you know who I am " routine, yes we all know, and that's why you won, you're a self absorbed, dribbling fuck knuckle. Take the award cunt and fuck off.
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