Week 28 nominations

• Matty Primus - for his comment after Port's worst ever loss, "the effort was ok". Fuck off - it was pathetic. And a really apt send off for Chad. Bye bye, Chad - go and fuck yourself.



• Port Adelaide - so, Rucci, who was to blame for that insipid performance? All 23 of your supporters? The SANFL? The AFL draw? The planets weren't aligned? Nup, it is ya board led by Brett Duncanson or is that Duncan Brettsen? They have made one shit decision after another that culminated in Saturday night's clusterfuck. Duncanson is an idiot - he said pre-match that Chad didn't play all most of the year because he was injured. So he played for the Bays injured then, did he?? Rucci, write the story that the Port board has to go, if you have the balls.



• Chad - for his comment that he didn't speak to Matty Primus for months. Matty was fucking happy as larry - he didn't get a face full of phlegm for months.



• Adam Goodes - for fucking up Laurie Holden's footy tips. You owe me a whopper, you fucking dirty cunt.



• Mike Rann - for a shit impersonation of Andy Capp in the Sunday Mail.



• Jay Weatherill - for at least two reasons. a) his favourite drink is a butcher of light beer and b) he rooted Penny Wong for 5 years - no wonder she turned into a lezzo.



• Penny Wong - for having a baby with her lezzo partner. For fucksake. I wonder who the father is? It would have to be a Labor cunt, wouldn't it? If it comes out throwing punches then it is probably Roley Poley Foley. If it comes out with a dodgy heart then it is probably K Rudd. If it comes out with a big fucking nose and red hair then it is either Ronald McDonald or Julia Gillard. If it comes out choosing its own departure date then it is probably Media Mike. If it comes out without a face then it could be any number of Labor's faceless backroom boys. Either way, it will be a fucking cunt.



• Ben Hook - for describing Sam Parkinson as a "legendary SA cricketer". Good one, shithead. Sam was crap - he was a swing bowler whose stock ball was slow, short and gun barrel straight - 90% of which were despatched easily to the boundary. The other 10% were bowled to bunnies like Bob Holland and Bruce Reid and casually french cut for a single. The prick couldn't swing a pendulum.



• Shane Warne - the latest picture of him looks like he has walked straight off the set of the Thunderbirds or Madame Tussauds Museum. Come on, Warney, you look like a anorexic gay Matt Hayden.



• People choofing on ciggies outside the RAH - you wankers, if ya gonna smoke, then give up ya hospital beds to cunts who are not trying to kill themselves.



• Meatloaf - for collapsing on stage for the second time in a week. Can't ya take a hint, Meat? It's time to hang up ya loaf and fuck off.



• Kings of Leon - for cancelling their US tour after lead singer Caleb Followill walked off stage midway through a concert. The band was booed by fans in Dallas when Followill left the stage last Friday night, saying, “For the record, I’m not drunk…I’m about to fall over here because I’m so daggum hot…I’m gonna go backstage for a second and I’m gonna vomit, I’m gonna drink a beer and I’m gonna come back out and play three more songs.” …but he never returned. According to the band’s rep, Caleb is dealing with "vocal problems and exhaustion". Good one, fuckwit, he's on the drugs, he's on the drugs, he's on the drugs that killed River Phoenix.



• Jamie Oliver - Jamie's meals in 30 minutes. Yeah righto arsehole, they might be if you're a fucken chef. Does that 30 minutes include cleaning up the fucken bombsite that's created cooking your masterpieces ya fucking muppet? Lovely jubbly? Nah, get fucked.



• Cameron White - captained Australia's 20/20 team to a 2-0 loss to Sri Lanka. Can't bat, can't bowl, can't captain, fuck off.



• Rowey - for referring to Matty Primus as a "brand". Fuck me, they wouldn't even stock that fuckarse brand at The Reject Shop.



• Real Madrid - for signing a 7 year-old Argentinean boy. Jesus christ, is a fucking Catholic priest running the club?



• Domenic Cassisi - for saying that "noone goes out on to the field to shirk a contest". Bullshit, wog boy - there were 22 of you weak teal cunts doing just that against Collingwood on the weekend.



• The London Riots - for fucksake, you pommy fuckwits, you're the number one test team in the world and ya still not happy. Then again, the cunts doing the rioting are probably fucking currymunchers and are shitty that you knocked them off. Free plasma, anyone? While you are in a mood to burn shit down, try Tottenham's home ground - it will give you new meaning to the Hotspurs.



• Caddie Steve Williams - for pulling his pud as Adam Scott won the World Golf Championships. When he finished belting off, he described Scott's win as "the best win I've ever had". Ah, fuckwit, I don't recall you picking up a club and knocking the ball into the hole. Aren't you that Kiwi cunt who is good at carrying bags?



• James Brayshaw - for whinging that Collingwood and Hawthorn have more money to spend than his mob. Get some fucking members, fuckface. Noone gives a shit about ya shineboner spirit - the most spirit shown by any of ya players was in the dunny at Glen Archer's joint - King Carey certainly gave Kelly Stevens a good old-fashioned shinboning.



• Chris Judd - for being a greedy bastard and wrapping up his 3rd Brownlow Medal on top of being a squillionaire with a hot missus. Share it round, ya prick.



• Alwyn Davey - for making Brent Stanton look good. The little pillow couldn't get a kick if he walked through the stalls on Melbourne Cup Day with a cattle prod turned up to 11. South Adelaide have never been better since he left, and they are fucking shit.



• Kevin "ol' wino" Sheedy - for not drafting Adam Goodes even though Goodes was a passionate Essendon fan and had trained with the club numerous times prior to the 1997 draft. Sheeds drafted serial spastic Mark Bolton and nominee for the worst player of all time (apologies to Richard Lounder and John Meesen), Judd Lalich (who the fuck are they, I hear you say?) before Sydney took Goodes at pick 43. Goodes has since inflicted carnage on Essendon for 12 years as punishment for that blind cunt Sheeds not drafting him. Sheeds, fuck off back to Denmark or the Tiwi Islands and try to preserve what little bit of respect you have left. Old dickhead.



• AFL Umpires - yeah, you fucking poofters and your bosses are all fucked and are bending our game over and giving it one right up the clacker, just like Ang Christou and Kouta. Thanks a lot ya retarded fucking dwarves - yeah, I'm talking about you, Razor Ray. Ever heard of holding the ball and prior opportunity, ya cunts? Player picks up a ball and wham, he's tackled and 10 pricks jump on him and he's holding the ball - yet some schmuck (eg Robbie Gray) can take 8 bounces (ok, so Robbie wouldn't work hard enough to take 8 bounces), gets tackled and then throws the ball away Kevin Bartlett-style and its play on. Fuck off.



• Gepps Cross u13 runner - siren goes and Payneham beat Gepps by 10 goals in a fucking monsoon on Friday night. Gepps runner calls out, "great work boys, they only beat us by 10 goals". No wonder kids these days are fucked up, with cockheads like that running the show. 10 goals in those conditions is the equivalent of 20 goals on a normal day, ya spazzo. Back to Yatala for you, dickwad.



• Ninemsn - for this quote about Hamish and Andy, "Australia's most adorably loveable goofballs are back on TV". Please allow me to re-phrase that, ninemsn, "Australia's most unfunny fucking fuckheads are back on TV."



• Kanye West - for comparing himself to Hitler, "I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I'm fucking insane, like I'm Hitler. One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did." Ah, Kayne, I hate to break it to ya, ya talentless fuckwit, but Hitler is regarded as just as big a cunt today as he was back in his heyday. So, if you mean that people think you are a fucking cunt like Hitler, then you are spot on. And given your crap "singing", you've probably only got one nurry like him too. Kanye, has only got one ball, Kayne has only got one ball...



• John Travolta and the rest of his Hollywood Scientology mates like Tom Cruise and Priscilla "Plastic" Presley - newsflash, John, it aint a fucking religion, it is just one big steaming pile of dog shit. L Ron Hubbard - now there's a fucking cunt for ya, the fucken con artist was reincarnated as Rocco Leo. Or is that Sav Rocca - maybe that is why the soft cunt's US work visa was refused.



• Today Tonight - what a superb night of fucking current affairs. Firstly, we had Misha the eyebrow expert - fuck off - here is a client that will give you a regular income for a year, ya mole - Domenic Cassisi's monobrow - ya would need a fucking hedge trimmer for that brow. Then we had Gerry Harvey on, blatantly advertising his new on-line shopping facility under the guise of a "story" about on-line retail. Get fucked, current affairs my arse, it was fucking advertising for an old fucking cunt who has missed the on-line boat and is now trying to scramble on board by selling fucking cakes of soap and other assorted bullshit that Cheap As Fucking Chips rejected. You fucking senile dickhead, the boat has left the harbour and you are standing there looking like a complete fucking goose.



• The baby humpback whale stranded on the beach on the Gold Coast - after being rescued (Bob Brown was reportedly caught "rescuing" the whale with his dacks around his ankles) the fat cunt of a whale was reportedly spotted off the coast near Surfers Paradise. The reports were quickly refuted when marine biologists realised that Scotty Cummings was holidaying on the Gold Coast.



• The Australian media - for claiming Nancy Wake as an Australian. She was born a fucking sheep-fucker in New Zealand. When are you fuckers gonna stop claiming New Zealanders as Australians? Russell Crowe*, Neil Funn and Tum Funn**, Keith Urban, Wayne Schwass - they are fucking New Zealanders and they can fuck off back there has far as I'm concerned. * Russell Crowe was Australian in Romper Stomper but he's been a Kiwi cunt ever since, especially in Gladiator when he was strutting around like fucking Ewan Chatfield in a toga. I am Maximus? Fuck off, I am an over-rated cunt who barracks for the Rabbitohs. ** Split Enz can be claimed as Australian because they were fucking great but Crowded House are definitely from New Zealand because they were fucking pussies and deadset fucking boring - Better Be Home Soon? - yeah, fuck off back to Auckland.

• The Census - all good in theory but what good is it for people like Port supporters who can't read the fucking thing to fill it in?

• Charlie Pickering - hahahaha, ah no actually you're not fucking funny you smug little turd.

• Kitty Flanagan - she ain't getting any funnier either, The 7PM Project has all the comic genius of Hamish and Andy.

• The two teenagers accused of lighting a fire that killed a disabled bloke on Black Saturday 2009 - have been found to be unfit to stand trial as both suffer mild to moderate intellectual disability and function at the level of an 8 or 9 year old. You were in a fit enough state of mind to start the fire, fuck ya. And so what if they function at the level of an 8 or 9 year old, it hasn't stopped Stephen Rowe from getting a job on radio.

• Mark Riccuito - 1) suggested Port sound out Roley Poley Foley about taking over the spot recently vacated by Mark Haysman. I thought they wanted to entice people TO the club, not further repel people from the fucken joint 2) quote - " Then unfortunately free agency comes in next year, which will favour succesful clubs with good cultures and bank balances ". Yeah, so fucken what. Whilst the merits of free agency are still up for grabs, clubs with good cultures deserve success, they work hard to build and maintain a successful culture in their club. This then generally flows on with an increased income stream, so why the fuck should these teams get stiffed because a fuckarse club like Port have all the culture of an Unley Oval dogturd.

• Matt Primus - reckons the Power's poor results won't hurt it's chances of retaining Victorian key defenders Jackson Trengove and Alipate Carlile. You dickhead, of course it won't - let's see should I stay with a club that is fucked from top to bottom or should I go to a club that might see me play finals and get me back closer to my family. Even a dumbfuck like Tredders could join the dots there.

• Bob Katter - the cunt is as mad as a cut snake and his snoz looks like a dick.

• The AFL - when you're bankrolling over a third of your product just to keep them alive you're running a shit comp.

• Diane Nyad - marathon swimmer who only made it halfway whilst attempting to swim 166km from Cuba to Florida Keys. Fucken quitter.

• People responsible for G.Cornes and Rowe increasing their listener numbers on their show - hang your heads in shame, you know who you are, fucken stop encouraging them.

• The Youth Affairs Council of Sth Aust - criticised a police road safety campaign for targeting young people. In a completely unrelated incident a 19 yr old p-plater was recently pulled over by police after being clocked at 122km in a 60km zone and blew .026. Fuckwits.

• Brett Duncanson - " We're not Fitzroy ". You're dead right about that fuckwit, when Fitzroy went down the gurgler they still had some decent players playing for them.

• Karmichael Hunt - has found the grind of playing AFL too hard , boohoo, with coach Guy McKenna saying he " looked cooked " a week before they played Geelong, and " I would probably say he has hit the wall ". Wallet weighing you down is it cunt, ya might need to scoff a few more of those fucken Swisse tablets.

• Todd Carney - Sydney Rooster serial pisshead caught drinking after the club imposed a two week alcohol ban in a bid to curb the club's deteriorating off-field behaviour. Hehehe, that worked a treat, that prick is as likely to give up the piss as Bernard Finnigan is to get off the computer.

• Warren Jeffs - Texan polygamist cult leader has been jailed for life for his 'spiritual marriage ' to 2 girls aged 12 and 15. Hopefully he ends up in a jail cell where he has a spiritual marriage with a 150kg bloke named Bubba.

• Laughter Yoga - to anyone attempting this, you look like fucken dickheads, people aren't laughing with you, they're laughing at you ya wankers.