Week 29 nominations

• The one in four children in NZ who live in poverty - you've got it far better than the other 3 who live with Doris the Sheep and are all related to Martin Sneddon.



• Andrew Capel - for continuing to aid the myth that Norwood's Dean "The Arsonist" Terlich is AFL material. For fucksake, have any of you so-called journos actually seen this cunt play??? He's fucking Penski material.



• Alistair Clarkson - for saying before the game that "Port are a pretty dangerous opponent". Yeah, good one, Clarko, ya fucking little gnome. The only danger in playing Port these days is getting a severe case of leather poisoning.



• Matty Primus - for his comments before the Hawthorn game that "the pain will pay off". Yep, it paid off in spades for those non-Port supporters out there watching the game - it was fucking gold watching those bastards surrender. Hey, Danyle Pearce, you are the weakest cunt ever to play the game.



• Kane Cornes - hehehehehehehehe. Bye bye, fuckface.



• Brett Duncansen - see Kane.



• AFL players - for trying to put their snouts further into the trough. How about you deliver some decent fucking footy before putting ya hand up for more cash. How about allowing some of that cash trickle back to grassroots footy - you know, the clubs that gave you your start in the first place. Greedy cunts.



• Glenelg - for advertising for a Senior Coach. As if anybody is going to apply for that fuckarse job. Christ, you would rather be the bloke who put his hand up to root Penny Wong's other half.



• The cunt who killed a 6 year old labrador with a paintball gun - you despicable bastard. When they catch you, I hope they load up a paintball gun and fire it from pointblank range at your nurries.



• Speaking of nurries, the bloke who shot himself in the balls at the Marksman Indoor Shooting Range - did ya get a free stuffed toy with that shot?



• Renee Geyer - for crap driving. Have you been watching Mark Webber?



• Cliff Richard - for recording a "soul" album. Fuck off. Cliff, you have has much soul as the Port Adelaide Football Club. Wired for sound? How about wired up to an electric chair, you fucking insipid cunt.



• Lady Gaga - for being the "new face of feminism". How the fuck can a tranny be the face of feminism?



• Allistair Cook - for being described as the "new Bradman". Yeah, good call, 60 tests at an average of 49. Maybe they were referring to Dudley Bradman, Sir Don's little known retarded cousin who was fucking ace at weaving whicker baskets.



• Tiger Woods - for missing another cut. The prick has a serious case of blue balls - it is time to give starfucker, Lara Bingle, a call and unload some of that pressure.



• Heidi "Tea Tree" Gully - for racking up $75,000 in unpaid car fines with the pissweak excuse that someone else was driving her car. Ya right - it was probably ya mates in the gang of 49 using ya car to deliver meals on wheels.



• Lainie Anderson - you serve up more shit than Lucy Cornes. Fuck off.



• Channel 10 - for planning to bring back It's A Knockout and Young Talent Time. I've got a better idea - how about combining the two - It's A Young Talent Knockout Time. I for one would love to see some of those smug little cheesy singing and dancing cunts getting a fucking backhander and when Johnny Fucking Young closes the show, Barry Hall steps on stage and delivers a Staker...."close your eyes...fucking bang!"



• Sarah Palin - for planning to run for US president again. She said, "there is plenty of room for a common sense conservative". Unfortunately, Sarah, you don't have any common sense - so go and fuck a moose.



• Peter Goers - for whinging about the smoking ban in the Rundle Mall. Fuck off, idiot - if you want a choof so bad, just take a short stroll down the road to the RAH - there a plenty of you smoking shitheads there.



• The Wiggles - you are starting to look like a bunch of fucking old paedophiles now, it is high time you handed your fucking skivvies in. Chad and Kane will need a job soon - I'm sure a couple of nice teal skivvies won't look out of place. By the way Kane coughed up the ball against Hawthorn, I'm sure he knows the words to "hot potato hot potato". Just don't ask either of them to say "Captain Feathersword" otherwise it will give a whole new meaning to "Swim Henry Swim".



• Tony Shaw - for saying the Bombers can win this year's premiership. You dumb little fuckhead, Sheeds wants his medication back.



• Luke Jarrad - for being reported against Centrals? Reported?? Luke Jarrad?? Those two statements go together like Mike Rann and humility. What the fuck did he get reported for? Impersonating a footballer? Attempting to dry root the Gowans twins? Shitting his dacks? I haven't laughed so much since the last Port Adelaide game.



• Crows supporters - apart from the bleeding obvious, this time for leaving the ground when the Crows were down by only 2 goals with 3 minutes left in the game to play and with the Crows pressing forward. Fair weather fuckwits.



• Crows supporters - for booing like fucking mindas when a Cats player took a mark in front of a Crows player who attempted to mark from behind. You fuckwits - the man in front rule has been in place for 150 years - learn to read and then grab ya selves a fucking rulebook. Fuckheads.



• Richmond - for costing a shitload of footy tippers a free whopper this week. The only people happy with that result are the pimple-faced fuckers that serve at Hungry Jacks.



• Mick Malthouse - for doing his cruit because his headphones didn't fit right. Either that or Nathan Buckley had his favourite Lady Gaga cd on high rotation.



• The Duchess of Pork, Sarah Ferguson - she looked like a fat Mick Hucknall in a dress and high heels when interviewed on Sixty Minutes. Lord Mountbatten's boat is waiting for you, Fergie.



• West Coast Eagles - for suspending Patrick McGinnity for sledging Ricky Petterd's mum. For fuck sake, sledging is an Australian tradition - if ya can't sledge a bloke's mum, who can ya sledge?? And besides, Petterd's mum is a cunt, allegedly.



• Jason Dufner - for blowing a 5 shot lead in the US PGA with only 3 holes left. You dickhead, I told ya not to take advice from the Shark.



• Keith Conlon - for advertising Pilates. Keith, Pilates is not a type of pie, you fat, bearded, grey-headed gnome.



• Kangaroo Island ferry operators - who the fuck is doing ya maintenance, Tiger Airways mechanics??



• Drivers who tailgate in the wet - back off, fuckwits.



• Angelo Mathews - vice captain of Sri Lanka. "Angelo Mathews" does not sound like a fucking Sri Lankan name - it sounds more like the lovechild of Greg Mathews and Angelo Christou.



• Indian cricket fans - for calling Laurie Holden a "scoundrel" and a "blatant racist" for his piece on the history of Pakistan cheating in cricket. Listen up, you currymunching fuckwits, India and Pakistan are life-long sworn enemies, so I would think I would have recieved your utmost support for that rant. But then again, if you don't like it, then you can get fucked. India has fucked cricket up completely - 20/20, handing the Poms the number one ranking, Gavaskar's bias and whiny commentary, inflicting Ganguly on the world, betting scandals. So to those Indian cricket fans who don't like the truth, shut ya fucking cakehole and take a few minutes to step into the room of mirrors. As for being racist, I'm fucking indiscriminate - if a fuckwit is a fuckwit then I'll call them a fuckwit, whether they be black, white, yellow, pink or Julia Gillard. Those Paki cunts are cheats - end of fucking story.



• Port Power - hahaha you fucken weak bunch of pricks, I fucken told ya I'd be laughing at ya for sometime to come, and you provided me with that much mirth on the weekend I nearly spewed up my beer* from laughing so hard. Port had the chance to answer their critics after their 'effort' against Collingwood and the result was a 165 thrashing at the hands of the Hawks. Great answer cunts. I was at the MCG to watch it and it's just about the best live comedy act I've seen, Port showed less stomach for a stoush than Karen Carpenter did for a fucken whopper with cheese. You are a fucken disgrace to the game of football. *see next nomination.



• MCG catering - ya go to the southern end bar, you get stung $7 for a beer, ya go to the bar on the wing it's $6.40, and it wasn't even proper beer, fucken Carlton draught. Cunts.



• Cesc Fabregas - former Arsenal skipper who did the runner to Barcelona, yeah Arsenal are gutted fuckwit, old 'captain sicknote' as he became known spent more time in the medical room getting treatment for a broken nail than on the pitch.



• 20/20 cricket - it's a fucken abortion of a game. If you need any justification for this comment ponder this, Cameron White is Australian captain. Good night Irene, it's fucked.



• The 11 year old kid in the London riots who pinched a bin from a department store - pity you didn't loot the hospital and pick up a brain you dopey little turd, didn't realise there were Port supporters abroad.



• The Advertiser - how's this for a voteline question - should banks reduce interest rates? Next week - is The Chad a cunt?



• Nuie - tiny Pacific nation is going to put Luke Skywalker on their currency as the Star Wars movies have had such an impact there. You know what else would make a decent impact on dumbfucks like that - make out that the island is the Death Star and unload some more nuclear testing on it.



• Swaziland - have been unable to open their only university due to having no money. Do you really need a degree to spear a fucken wilderbeast?



• The Korean bloke who tried to swim across the Yarra river after birthday celebrations but drowned - how did he manage to drown for fucksake, there's that much pollution in there he should've been able to walk across. And how come Jim Courier survived when he jumped in after winning the Aussie Open back in the early 90s? Now we have to put up with the cunt's crap commentary.



• Public Servants - take twice as much sick leave as the average Aussie worker. Get back to work ya mooching cunts.



• Norwood Footy Club - can't keep the globes in their fucken light towers, one fell out on Friday night and hit a spectator. How many Dean Terlichs does it take to change a lightbulb?



• The taxi industry - whilst sitting in a Melbourne pub looking out the window over the weekend I decided to play a little game called 'spot the caucasian taxi driver'. The results came in at 67 taxis in 45 mins, and guess how many of the cunts were caucasian - that's right, fucken zilch. There is another game that is fun to play - spot the mindas among a Crows crowd - you guessed it, a 100% strike rate on the minda meter.



• Essendon supporters - fair dinkum do you like the smell of your own shit or what, arrogant smarmy cunts. And no Brett Stanton is not a good footballer, despite what you fuckheads say, he is a fucken pillow. OK, so there are a few Essendon supporters that actually think that Stanton is a pillow but he pulls on an Essendon jumper so too fucking bad.



• Brett Duncanson - for saying "we don't whinge about things at Port Adelaide." Hehehehe. You cockhead, have you ever sat in the outer amongst your fellow Port supporters?? The cunts' vocabulary is limited to "boooooo", "baaaaaaaaaaaaaall" and "deliberate". And when they are not whiging about the umpires, they are whinging about being screwed by the SANFL. The Port nickname is being changed from the Power to the Poms. Whinging bastards.



• That fucking annoying APIA Insurance ad on radio - ok, so most pensioners are fucking annoying but that ad gives me the shits and pretty much guaran-fucking-tees that I will never ever take out an insurance policy with APIA. Sue and Terry, just fucking piss off on that holiday of yours to Lakes Fucking Entrance and take that annoying fucking APIA cow with ya.



• The mouse that grounded a Stockholm-to-Chicago flight, stranding 250 passengers, after it was spotted scampering along the aisle before takeoff - the plane finally took off after the mouse returned to Richard Gere's arse.



• Tanielu Atuai - the Mormon official who was arrested for trying to board a flight with a loaded gun in his hand luggage. He argued that he was on a mission from god. Yeah nice try fuckwit, you're not a fucken Blues Brother. Tanielu Blues - doesn't have much of a ring to it does it, how about Tanielu the bible bashing sheep fucker.



• The NZ woman who went on a $42,000 rampage after discovering her husband was having an affair - she later discovered she had targeted the wrong sheep station.



• Hendra virus - six horses have now died from the disease in NSW and fucking Tracey Grimshaw was once again not one of them. Come on Hendra, do us a fucking favour will ya and knock on Tracey's door.



• The 11 year old German boy who called the cops after his mum made him do chores on his summer break - think yourself lucky you ungrateful little cunt, if it was 70 years ago they would've stuck a rifle in your hand and put you on the Russian front.



• Mourners who gathered at Elvis Presley's gravesite to mark the 34th anniversary of his death - for fucksake, he was a fat cunt who died on the shitter, get a grip. Does that mean mourners will continue to gather outside childcare centres on the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death each year as well?



• Kevin Sheedy - for offering to take the Cornes brothers to GWS. You senile old cunt, whilst you're at it, take the rest of the fucking family as well.



• Jeremiah Lee Wright - bludgeoned, decapitated and dismembered the body of his 7 year old son and left his head on the street so the boy's mother would see it. Jesus christ, what the fuck is wrong with some people, watch your back you sick cunt karma is coming to get you, hopefully in the form of a fucken noose and some electrodes on your nuts.



• Mark MacLure - for suggesting that people who pay to go the footy can't say what they want. Bullshit. Paying the entrance fee to the AFL or any football game for that matter entitles you to say whatever the fuck you want. For example, going to a Port game automatically allows you to make comments like, "Fuck off, Kane, you are a soft selfish cunt and ya mum rooted the entire Phillis family."



• Eddie McGuire - for suggesting that before any supporters make comments they should first consider, "would you say it in front of your grandma?". Eddie, that comment is just going to confuse Collingwood supporters because in most cases their grandma is also their mum/aunty/sister.



• Brad Scott - for using the same tin of kiwi boot polish on his hair as David King. What is it with you blokes that dye their hair? You look like fucking tools.



• Mark Robinson - for a severe case of "pot kettle black". He launched a scathing attack on sledging in football but then goes on to call Mick Malthouse a neanderthal in his column.



• Football media - for calling on Mick Malthouse to apologise to Stephen Milne for calling him a rapist. Get fucked, that is the best compliment Milne has ever received.



• Tom Waterhouse - for his ad for his betting website, tomwaterhouse.com - "I was born a Waterhouse, I was born to bet." Well, Tom, ya deadset fuckwit, if you are anything like your dodgy old man, a more appropriate slogan would be, "I was born a cheating cunt, I was born to fix horse races."



• The Footpath Flasher - this filthy cunt who exposed himself to a woman at Seaton was described as "having a weathered complexion." No fucking wonder it has a weathered complexion if it is exposed to the elements on a regular basis.



• NZ Rugby Fans - for deciding not to abstain from sex during the All Blacks World Cup campaign. No fucking wonder 200 sheep jumped ship at Outer Harbour - they would rather drown than get shagged by a randy New Zealand rugby supporter.



• Sperm donor dad who had his name removed from his daughter's birth certificate by a court order initiated by the lezzo mum - for fucksake. No matter how you cut and dice it you lezzos, ya cannot conceive a child without a bloke's jizz.



• Lyalya "Tupac" Tupikova - the Russian woman who stabbed her husband to death because he forgot her birthday. But she had no problem with the fact that he got smashed every night on vodka and stank like a rancid pig.



• Gerard Depardieu - for urinating in an aeroplane in front of fellow passengers after cabin crew refused to let him use the toilet. Apparently, Gerard argued that a passenger asked for his autograph and he was just signing his name.



• Will Power - the Aussie Indy Car driver (who was previously nominated for his name) for spitting the dummy when he crashed out of the New Hampshire race. Still, he showed more fight than the other Power we know and love.



• The fuckwits that have launched an online petition to get Sesame Street room-mates Ernie and Bert to tie the knot - Fuck off! Next they'll be telling me the Village People are gay. Bert and Ernie are not gay - they are just really good friends. Sure, they sleep together and share the occaisonal bath with rubber ducky, but that doesn't mean they are woolly woofters. Elmo, on the other hand, is a deadset poo puncher.