Week 27 nominations

• Melbourne football club - for a fucking brilliant impersonation of the Crows shithouse performance against St Kilda in the first half against Geelong. Ditto the second the half as well. Hamish and Andy take note - there is plenty of material for ya crap show in that game.


• Melbourne football club board - for a fucking brilliant impersonation of the Crows in sacking their coach after their players performed like Russell Wortley in a cabinet meeting.


• Garry Lyon - for fucksake, Gaz, will ya show some kahunas and help out ya beloved club. You are fast becoming the Peter Costello of football. Take a leaf out of James Hird's book - sure Hirdy is a lying snivelling little cunt with jug ears and no integrity, but at least he put his nurries on the line and took on the coaching job. Ok, sure, so Hirdy has more assistants than Imelda Marcos has shoes, but that is not the point.


• Mike Rann - just fuck off already, will ya, Mikey. Jay doesn't need any mentoring from you, he's already a cunt and I'm sure he'll be able to match your boring, monotone fucking annoying voice - he'll be pissing people off in no time. Just make sure you clear ya desk - Michelle Chantelois would love her jocks back, assuming she was wearing any.


• Jay Weatherill - just fuck off already, will ya, Jay.


• The SA Labor Party - roll up, roll up, the Labor Party circus is in town. See Jay's amazing knife-throwing act. Witness the death-defying Roley Poley Foley on the hiwire. Laugh at Fat Pat the Fuckhead Clown. Watch the incredible Michelin man, Bernie Finnigan, as he attempts to simultaneously break the world pie-eating and internet downloading records - kids must be accompanied by parents to this part of the show. And see the sensational Russell Wortley juggle the truth. And don't miss out on Tom Koutsantonis as tries to avoid paying another speeding fine. Fun for all the family!


• Kris Jenner - mother of Kim, Khloe, Kourtney and Kockhead Kardashian for revealing that she suffers from stress incontinence. Funny about that - I get the shits whenever I'm unlucky enough to catch any of their show. And Kim, Serena Williams wants her fat arse back.


• Mathew Lokan - for attempting a speccy against Norwood on the weekend. You have got to be jokin Lokan - you are too fat, too slow, too often. And it would help if you didn't play in ya Bernie Finnigan suit.


• $13 million for carbon tax cops - fuck off, Julia. I tell ya what, let's make a deal - you scrap the carbon tax and go and get fucked.


• Rowey - for another insightful comment, "we won't let anyone go to air unless they are right 90% of the time." In that case, Rowey, then you and Skeletor should shut the fuck up and find other jobs between 4pm and 7pm on weeknights.


• Jack "Tori" Snelling - for saying he didn't give Mikey an ultimatum. Hahahahaha - you really are a complete dickhead.


• The Census - for not asking the following question - do you think Julia Gillard is a cunt? (tick one of the following options - yes or fucking oath)


• Glenelg - for losing to South Adelaide at Glenelg Oval. They have really gone on with it since sacking Rubbers - ever heard of the saying "changing the deckchairs on the Titanic"? Or that other chestnut, "Glenelg are a bunch of fucking soft-cocks".


• Unley Mayor Lachlan Clyne - for being arrested for defamation and identity theft. Apparently, the defamation case stems from calling Sturt's Luke Norman a coach (football followers everywhere have taken umbrage at that ridiculous statement). And why the fuck he would want to steal Russell Wortley's identity is beyond me.


• Hallina Gillett - for suing a doctor for her own birth. Fuck me, talk about a can of worms. I might sue Dicko's parents for his birth. And the Village People for giving birth to Luke Jarrad. And the Cornes family for on-going in-breeding.


• Lucy Cornes - for another great article in the Sunday Mail. This time for suggesting that football is not about winning. Fuck off, idiot. Although, I guess it makes perfect sense given that she's married to a weak cunt who started at Glenelg and went on to play for Port Power.


• Ashton Kutcher - for being described as a "diva" by his new castmates on Two and Half Fuckwits. I'd say wanker is more accurate.


• Anthony Kurt Power - indecently filmed kids at a Christian Fellowship camp and on church premises. His lawyer says he shouldn't be given any jail time to allow for his rehabilitation. How's this for an idea, take him to the edge of a cliff and chuck him off, if he survives he goes to jail, if he carks it he's considered rehabilitated.


• Isobel Redmond - ya look like a wharfie as it is, now ya go and get an Ellen Degeneres haircut. Definitely not relying on presentation to get a vote, or policies for that matter, just consider yourself lucky, if Penny Wong was a state MP you'd get her crossing the floor for a sniff.


• Jason Daniel Smout - threw a molotov cocktail on a semi-rural road at Paracombe in 2009 in the middle of summer, but said in court he didn't think it was a fire risk. He has however pleaded guilty to one count of attempting to start a bushfire. So you are saying it was a fire risk then aren't you ya fucken einstein. Tell ya what how about we take you up to the hills and let you say that bullshit to some of the residents who went through Ash Wednesday, you wouldn't be under threat of a fire, more like under threat of a fucking 4x2 to the head.


• The Virginian bloke who goes to shopping malls and slashes women's arses with a razor/boxcutter - you sick bastard, with the size of the fatties that shop in US shopping malls it's be like cutting into a 130kg pimple.


• Brazilian savoury meatball manufacturers - left a condom in one can, which a woman discovered after consuming the lot. Here's a question to get ya thinking, was it used? And it gives new meaning to getting a "Brazilian".


• Mia Freedman - former editor of some fucken women's mag - Cleo, Cosmo, Zoo,Penthouse, one of those fuckers - and current 'social commentator' had this to say about Cadel Evans winning the Tour de France - "I just don't get it. He's a man paid a lot of money to ride a bike". Stick to writing about why libra fleur are better than tampax and why shaving your fucken eyebrows increases your chance of getting ahead in the corporate world cause you know sweet fuck all about anything else. It was a huge performance, it took guts and determination, enjoyed by many male and female watchers alike, better than anything you've fucken achieved ya stupid mole. She also made the comment that he doesn't live in Oz any more, neither does fucking Tina Arena but you were happy she sung the Aussie anthem at the end of the race.


• Ian Bell - ran himself out by wandering off like a pisshead after a skinful whilst not making sure the umpire had called time, then had a giant fucken sook when he was given out. Learn the rules cunt.


• The Indian Cricket team - decided during the tea break to recall Bell-end. Fuck that, he was the dumbfuck, the weak pricks rolled over like Melbourne against the Cats.


• The Indian Cricket team - for allowing the Poms to take the top spot in the world Test rankings. Thanks for nothing, you currymunching fuckwits. And you reckon Aussies are dumb.


• Fat cyclists who wear lycra - why? If you're a fat cunt, lycra is the last thing you should be wearing, try a fucken tarp, the rest of the world shouldn't be forced to be subjected to the sight of an orca stuffed into a sock. Are you listening Bernie?


• The United States of America - the land of the bankrupt, and the home of the fuckwit. Fair dinkum these cunts are less likely to balance their books than Pixie fucken Skase.


• The 28 yr old NZ woman who was on a yacht in Europe copping a length from a bloke on the bathroom sink when the sink collapsed and broke, she fell and severed her hand - fucken kiwis, stick to rooting in paddocks with the dulcet tones of randy merinos serenading you. Do ya reckon the bloke kept going till he finished?


• The 3 Vietnamese blokes who were cutting up a Vietnam War era artillery shell for scrap when it exploded, killing them all - the coroner gave up trying to find all the bits of them claiming there were more fucking holes in them than a Melbourne backline.


• The Cambodian family who tried to accelerate the burning of a deceased family members coffin by pouring petrol on it, thereby causing an explosion which killed an 8yr old girl - what's the fucken rush, it's not as if granny had an appointment she had to get to. Why is it kids seem to be the ones to suffer from adult fucken stupidity.


• Brett Ratten - quote a regular reader - "Brett Ratten, what a dickhead. Going on about money in footy and wah wah bout Davis leaving the cows. He's got a cunt called Judd on some reasonable coin at present and Carlton got done for salary cap breaches. For fucksake ya jug-eared black pot cunt".


• Atsushi Yamagami - Japanese (well fucken duh, yeah I know he's unlikely to be from fucken Iceland is he) pleaded guilty after getting caught trying to smuggle 55 live tortoises and turtles into the US under his clothing. Hehehe ya dumbfuck, how did this cunt think he was going to get away with that, not even yanks are that fucken dumb. Maybe. Imagine him going through the body screen - " ah sir it would appear you have concealed something on your body", "oh, no me just got very bad case of genital warts".


• US religious groups - are enraged because all yank women can now get birth control for free. Enraged, I'm fucking delighted, the less two-toed, three-headed little fucken Cletus' in the world the better.


• Phil Davis - on his defection to GWS - "Football is the main thing". hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahah, yeah cunt and the wrestling on tv is fucken fair dinkum too.


• Adelaide Crows - for trying to re-sign Bernie Vince. Just leave the cunt out on the curb on Sunday night, the garbos will chuck him in the back of the truck on Monday morning.


• Meatloaf - for collapsing on stage. Or was that Meatloaf collapses stage?


• Fabian Francis - weak cunt. Obviously, he was harder at it off the field than on it.


• Adrian Anderson - for still denying Melbourne tanked to get draft picks despite Dean Bailey's admission that they did. I bet he tries to deny that Julia Gillard is a fuckwit too.


• Adrian Anderson - he really is just a massive cockhead.


• Adrian Anderson - see previous entry.


• Sturt - they have announced that they will stick with Luke Norman for another year. Hahahaha. That is fucking fantastic news for the rest of the SANFL clubs!


• Kevin Rudd - for recovering from heart surgery. His surgeon hasn't recovered though - he's still in shock after finding that Krudd actually had a heart.


• Hamish Blake - for calling his crap show, "The People's Show". Yeah, the sort of people who's fucking knuckles scrape on the ground and call their brother "dad".


• Julia Gillard - for saying that "Mike Rann has always focussed on what's best for South Australia". Fuck off. De-sal plant. Forests in the South East. Mt Barker. St Clair. Cheltenham. TAB. Land taxes. Mikey has always been focussed on what's best for Mikey.


• Chris Staniforth - dumb arse gaming addict who died from Deep Vein Thrombosis after playing computer games for 12 hours a day. Fuck, I'm amazed that Bernie Finnigan didn't get a case of DVT with all the time he spent on the internet.


• Rik Marshall - fucking filthy kiddy-fiddler who has chosen trial by judge rather than by jury. Cunt. He probably expects to get Peter Liddy as his judge.


• Malmesbury, Wiltshire - for being host to the world record number of air guitar players - 2227. Cooincidentally, they also set the record for the most fuckwits in one spot at the same time.


• The report that suggests that human brain power is at its peak - oh, fuck, so we have peaked with Justin Westhoff.


• Shelley von Strunckel - clairvoyant and astrologer. Fuck off, von Fuckwit.


• Chad - for finally deciding to retire. Good fucking riddance. You won't be forgotten, fuckwit, as your name will live on through the illustrious Chad Medal. Your team mates can now stop wearing raincoats whenever you speak.


• Fergie - for admittting that Black Eyed Peas have stupid lyrics. No shit, Sherlock. Try these on for size - "boom boom now, boom boom now, boom boom pow, boom boom pow" or "my hump my hump my hump my humps they got you". Deadset fuckwit songs.


• Marvel Comics - for introducing a new Spiderman who is a half-black, half-hispanic teenager named Miles Morales. 50% black, 50% hispanic and 100% fuckwit.


• Boonie - for advertising Canadian Club. Say it isn't so, Boonie, say it isn't so. Still, I guess it is better than Michael Clarke advertising tampons.


• Heather Mills - for hopping on the sympathy bandwagon (hey, its not like she can actually jump on the bandwagon), and claiming that her phone was also hacked by the News of the World reporters. The reporters are claiming she doesn't have a leg to stand on.


• Richard Handl -the Swedish man caught trying to split the atom (Ka-Boom!) in his kitchen. He said he had tried for months to set up a nuclear reactor at home and kept a blog about his experiments, describing how he created a small meltdown on his stove. More like a massive meltdown in his fucking brain.


• The Bin Ladens - for their proposed kilometre-high tower for Saudi Arabia. Oh, the irony. Saudia Arabia should be the first destination for when Tiger Airways gets back in the air.


• United Waterfowlers of Florida - for protesting against wind towers being built in the Florida everglades because it may result in 300 waterfowls being killed. They want the waterfowls saved so they can shoot the fucking birds themselves - yes, its true, the UWF is a hunting organisation and they are worried that they will have less birds to kill! Fuckwits. Only in America.


• Coventry Magistrates Court - for making a mailman do 200 hours of community service and pay $4,500 for painting over posters of Andy Murray with slogans like "useless jock". I guess he was fined for not being hard enough on Murray - a more apt slogan would have been "fucking useless Scottish soft-cock half-wit choking arsefuck".


• Eddie McGuire - for having a sooky sooky la la over Davis signing with the GWS. Worried about losing Daisy Thomas, Eddie? You didn't kick up a stink when you pinched Darren Jolly from the Swans. I hear the GWS have made an offer for one of your chins.


• Federal Court Magistrates - for claiming the government refusing to pay them an annual pension of $174,000 is unconstitutional. They're taking the case to the federal high court - fuck me, can someone take a wild guess at what the result of that case will be?? Can you imagine Judge Judy voting down herself a hefty pension. Fucking snout's in the trough.


• David Hicks - profits from his book have been frozen by law. Suffer in ya jocks, fuckwit. Did the Taliban offer you a nice pension?


• Lady Gaga - to quote the person nominating her/it - "I heard her on the radio and wanted to puke my guts up". Fair call.