Week 30 Nominations

• Mr and Mrs Vromen - Israeli couple who named their son Nimrod. Why not just name the kid "Fuckarse", you've ensured he'll be getting a lifetime of floggings, ya cruel pricks.



• The Remuneration Tribunal - awarded federal MP's a $1500 rise for accommodation when they travel to Canberra. Talk about snouts in the fucken trough, there's a perfectly good tent city directly opposite Parliament House ya greedy cunts. And most stay in Fyshwick, anyway.



• Matt Shirvington - must have done his sports-reading training at the KKKKKKen Cunningham school of monkeys because his efforts on Sky Sports are fucking atrocious. I reckon ya might've spent a bit too much time in those lycra nut-crushing outfits, Shirvo. The cunt sounds more like Matt Damon from the Team America movie.



• Matt Primus - for saying Kane Cornes is not finished as a Port player. Hehehe righto fuckwit, so why's he playing for the Bays this week? Could it be that the only reason you're saying you're going to hold on to the fucken sheepdog is that you don't want to cop shit for having to pay out the last two years of his contract after the Choco debacle?



• John Worsfold - "sledging is a waste of breath". Bullshit, it can put an opponent off his game and give you an edge on him. You're trying to tell me , for instance, if you ran around near Tony Armstrong asking what bus the cunt caught to the game, or asking Stephen Milne if he's raped anyone lately it won't put them off their game and give you an advantage? Get fucked, I bet you don't really think that, it's just a dribble for the media, fucken political correctness gone mad again.



• Todd Viney - see John Worsfold



• Adelaide Crows - re-signed Bernice Vince. Seriously, fucken why, was your sponsorship with Spotlight dependant on the cunt playing for ya?



• Bernie Vince - for giving everyone false hope when he tweeted that he had resigned, instead of re-signed with the Crows. You cruel cunt.



• Greg Chappell - Bye bye Gregory Stephen. Shit-canned. Did fuck all in his position as selector and even got banned from the change room whilst the Oz team were batting. They must have got sick of hearing him recite the story of why he stood his ground when Martin Snedden claimed a catch when he was batting in a one-dayer in the early eighties. Mind you, Snedden was a cunt.



• Tim Nielsen - Shit-canned. About fucken time, it's finally caught up with old Teflon Tim. He's overseen us go from the dominant team in world cricket to a fucken shitheap. He has however been invited to apply for his job back. Good luck cunt, you've got as much chance of getting the gig as Shaun Tait has of growing a backbone.



• Andrew Hilditch - Shit-canned. His obsession with being a compulsive hooker cost him his test spot and his obsession with being a compulsive fuckwit has cost him his gig as chairman of selectors. Fucken toodles cunt.



• Tanya "Sweet" Chilly - 33yr old Victorian dumbfuck who blew .233 after having a car prang with 9 unrestrained kids in her car. Two words - compulsory sterilization. And hand back your fucking Collingwood membership.



• Soumitra Sen - Indian High Court justice has been impeached on corruption charges after allegedly pinching large sums of public money. Doesn't that sound like the dealings of a scoundrel? Or maybe just a shonky, dishonest, thieving cunt?



• Shane Warne - fair dinkum, cut it out Warnie you look like a knob. Have you seen his latest garb, it looks like he's dressed in the kiwi one-day uniform from the early 1980's. You want to know a good diuretic Shane to help you lose weight - fucken beer mate, have 10-11 pints and you're pissing like a busted tap.



• Ricki-Lee Coulter - reality show b-grade celebrity who looked pretty fucken tidy before she took on the Warnie diet, now she looks like one of the freaky little cunts out of Lord of the Rings. Have a feed for fucksake.



• Shaun Micallef - was in talks with ch10 to start up a Rove McManus type comedy show. Thankfully Ch10 actually made a rational decision for once and canned it after informing Shaun that anything like a Rove McManus show is going to be as funny as waking up after a big night out with Angela Bishop lying in the nuddy next to ya. I was just a little bit sick in my mouth after picturing that.



• The 'man' who robbed a Victorian CFA station whilst they were attending a fatal car crash - hopefully they catch the cunt and use the jaws of life to prize his arse cheeks apart wide enough to insert a fucken fire engine. You're a piece of shit.



• Rolling Stone Magazine - has voted Eminem the most successful rapper in history. Says something about rap music doesn't it, like it's fucken shit. It's a bit like voting Danyle Pearce as the most successful pillow of all-time, not something ya gonna brag about.



• Mooney Valley Races - Race 2 was named The Down Syndrome Sprint. Now I'm all for supporting a good cause such as this but why the fuck would you allow a horse named "Power Plant" in the race, that's just taking the piss, especially when Chad Cornes was seen riding the fucken thing. Incidentally it ran like a fucken pig. Further humour was derived in race 4 with the Nicole Cornes tribute horse "Crabs" running.



• David King - has said that Port should sack Primus and replace him with Rocket Eade despite Primus still having 2 years left on his contract. Yep, they're on the bones of their arse and you want to pay this cunt for the next two years to do nothing, mind you they've been paying Danyle Pearce for the last 4-5 years and he's done fuck all.



• Brad Hardie - in reference to the sacking of Rocket Eade has said - "it's been more about personalities and egos of people outside of coaching and who know nothing about what makes a good coach". Talk about a fucken ego, aren't you the cunt who, after getting dragged in a game for Footscray by Mick Malthouse had a big sook and took off your guernsey, then waved it round your head like a woofter on mardi gra night? And didn't you go on to bigger and better things, you ended up looking like a morbidly obese Mark Roberts when you went to Brisbane you dumbfuck. Hello pot, why hello kettle, you're looking a rather darkish hue old chap. Why so are you coincidentally, fucken cockhead.



• Rowey and Studley - for calling Tom Logan, "t-shirt Tom". Fuck off. There is only one "t-shirt Tom" and he is the legendary Tom Hafey. More like fucken teabag Tom.



• The Melbourne man told by doctors that he was pregnant - well, Scott Cummings, ya fatty boom bah, surely you weren't surprised by that diagnosis?



• Dan Murphys - for advertising a bottle of scotch priced at $10,700. That should go down well mixed with the $25,000 bottle of Coke, sourced especially from Colombia.



• Jane Lomax-Smith - for a severe case of "jobs for the boys" or in his/her case, "jobs for the trannys" in being named Chairtranny of the SA Museum. Can't wait for the new Mike Rann exhibit to open, particularly the Chantelois re-enactment scene.



• 50 greatest Harry Potter moments - that would be fucking easy as the closing credits are the only highlights of Harry fucking Potter movies.



• Australian Racing Board - for approving a 1kg rise in minimum jockey weights. Fuck off, those fat little greedy fuckers don't need to stack on any more weight, feed the cunts dust.



• All showbags for the upcoming Royal Adelaide Show passed the test - yep, they checked every single bag and found them all to contain the mandatory 100% pure crap. Look out for the new Jay Weatherill policy showbag this year - all it contains is a bloodied knife and a blank piece of paper.



• Craig Thomson - for allegedly using union credit cards to pay for hookers and to withdraw $100,000 to bankroll his election campaign. Actually, you might have done us all a favour, Thommo, by hopefully forcing a bi-election in your electorate which will then spell the end for the Joooolia and Bob Brown marriage.



• Footballers who run into an open goal and boot the ball out of the ground - fuckwits. You should be made to go and fetch the ball, you wankers.



• Neil Patrick Harris - "sorry I haven't tweeted lately. I fear I have run out of things to say." Don't be sorry, Doogie, you are doing the world a favour by the shutting the fuck up.



• The woman arrested for fleeng a botox clinic in NZ without paying - photos of her taken before the treatment were published and led to her arrest. The photos released after her treatment led to the arrest of Sam Newman.



• Fred Bassett cartoon - come on, for fucksake, this cartoon has been running for 50 years and not once has it ever been funny. Time for a trip to the vet, Fred.



• Starbucks - fined $72,000 for firing a bloke because he was a dwarf. As if Grant Denyer needs the money.



• Glenelg - different coach, same result - a 20 goal loss to the Eagles. hehehehehe



• Kane Cornes - a vintage Kane performance for Glenelg - 40 touches in his team's 20 goal loss. Kane has now been involved in 3 consecutive 100+ point thrashings. Inspirational, Kane, inspirational. You made Luke Jarrad look hard at it. You don't wanna be traded? No fucking wonder, no cunt would want you, even Callington have told you to fuck off.



• Crows fuckheads like Craig Neil, Roo, and Brett Burton who lost a shitload of money investing in a fuel additive pill company that went bust. Lucky they didn't also invest in the pill company that Mrs Bock was offering them a stake in.



• Adelaide Zoo - for contemplating re-naming itself "Conservation Ark". For fucksake, that would be a real pissweak ark - with two each of Adelaide Zoo's main attractions - those two fat over-rated fucking pandas, Fuckstick and Faceache plus the much-loved Cornes brothers, Chad and Kane. Kiddies love to watch Chad and Kane perform their spittle act, Sing a Song of Sixpence a pocket full of phlegm.



• Bill Clinton - for becoming a vegetarian. Apparently, Monica Lewinsky has gone on a protein-free diet too.



• Richard Wilkins - for releasing his memoirs, titled Black Ties, Red Carpets, Green Rooms. Get fucked, Dick. I liked the original title better - Botox, No Brains, Peroxide.



• Channel 7 - for hiring Chad to provide special comments in the Port v Bulldogs game. The weather was expected to be fine for the game but now heavy showers are expected. Channel 7 were forced to install windscreenwipers in the commentary box and supply the other commentators with wet weather gear.



• Darren Simpson - the celebrity chef is partnering KFC for a range of signature chicken burgers. What a fucking farce, we all know there is no chicken in a KFC chicken burger. Apparently, Essendon are partnering Maccas to release a range of cheeseburgers, starting with the Stanton Poofburger. I can't wait for the Hird Happy Meal, which contains two bbqed pigs ears with a serve of lies on the side.



• Gordon Fucking Ramsay - his fucking Melbourne restaurant has gone fucking bankrupt. What a fucking nightmare. Gordon had only one comment to make, "fuck".



• Shepard Smith - the US tv news anchor wanted to tell his Fox News audience on Monday that London was looking for a "top cop" to run Scotland Yard after the recent riots. But it came out as "cop top" and then when trying to correct himself said "top cock". He's a top cock, alright. Reminds me of the time Sandy Roberts introduced Miss Australia, Leeanne Dick to an audience as Leanne Cock. And the time when two ETSA employees were introduced to each other for the first time - Jim Dick please meet Craig Cock (true story). Jim Dick had a hell of time ordering goods when he was procurement officer in Leigh Creek, "I'd like to order 50 rolls of toilet paper, 10 litres of cleaning fluid and 100 boxes of condoms....hello, hello, anyone there?" It is not the first grubby gaffe from Smith. In 2002 the anchor said Bronx residents were more likely to give singer Jennifer Lopez a "curb job than a blow job" when he meant to say "block party". He also made the same quip about Lara Bingle's secret to success, he said "blow job" when he meant to say "blow job".



• The Block - I finally caved in and watched an episode of this 'phenomenon' of a show, watched the last episode on Sunday night and fuck me was I not surprised. It was as boring as batshit, how the fuck do people religiously watch this crap, I'd rather watch bulldog Grimshaw prattle on about supermarket wars.



• The Chad Editor - for being fucking stupid enough to watch the Block. You fuckwit. There was more than enough fucking evidence to suggest that the show was going to be crap. 1. Scott Cam was the host 2. It was on Channel 9. 3. Scott Cam was the host



• The squealing girls who are following that cunt from the Twilight movies around in Australia - shut the fuck up, you sound like an abattoir full of pigs getting slaughtered.



• Muammar Gaddafi - have a laugh ya sour faced old cunt, you look like you've been sucking on a fucken lemon. Life can't be that bad surely, well actually it probably could, sucks to be you, eat shit.



• Glenelg residents - are squealing like the teenage girls following that cunt from the Twilight movies around about the proposal to put lights in Glenelg Oval. One fuckwit complained that it will revert back to the days when there was a disco nearby and revellers made a racket and even left faeces on the roads. Two things - 1) a disco? How far in the fucken past are you living fuckhead, that far back that the bays actually won something (I know I was shocked too but it did happen briefly ), skeletor was in his forties with his future bride Nicole just starting kindy. 2) the collection of faeces playing in yellow and black guernseys on Glenelg Oval would far outweigh the odd random choccie mr whippy left on the road by a pisshead on the way home.



• Magpies - fuck off, swoop me ya cunts and I'll come back with a Gray Nicholls and pretend it's Andrew Hilditch facing a bouncer in the 80's.



• Craig Riccuito - has done the family name proud by getting pinched for selling 2nd hand cars without a licence. His lawyer has asked for him to be spared a conviction as it may cause him to stripped of his qualification as a real estate agent. Fucken shonky cunt, what's next, a career in politics? I've got a new scheme for ya - fuel additive pills - ask ya bro all about it.



• Rob Nelson -Glenelg Chief Executive has asked the SANFL not to schedule any home night games against Centrals if they win approval to erect lights at their shithole. Quote fuckhead - "It's around perception. We haven't experienced (any problems or victories) or have any increased concerns with Central District supporters or any other team. There's a perception around it, that's why we requested that". So if you haven't any problems with any team, you don't have any reason to even mention Centrals supporters or make that request then do you you fuckwit. It must be the perception of complete cunts like you otherwise why the fuck would you bring it up in the first place. You are just pandering to the stereotypes of ignorant fucking cockroaches who think because they come from a supposedly more effluent (no that's not a fucking typo) area that they can pretend like they are holier than thou and others are scum. Yes Centrals have some fucken dropkick supporters, but tell me what club doesn't? Well cunt, ya might want to have a peek in your own backyard, I'll take you back a couple of years to a Centrals v cunts game at Glenelg Oval when one of your fucking choirboys stood in the face of one of my mates and said he was going to spit in his face whilst he was in the company of a kid who would've been no older than 6 or 7. As with many Glenelg supporters, and for that matter players and affiliates, he didn't follow through with his initial display of false bravado (which is lucky for him as my mate would've belted nine colours of shit out of him), he backed down and slunk away like a fucking coward. Yep, you're a superior bunch aren't you fuckhead, with a club that's best " perceived " for players planting each others wives and habitual failure on the field you've got a lot of fucken stones to throw don't you you cunt.



• Glenelg Football Club - for taking the proposed tightening of federal dog laws far too seriously (refer to previous nomination).



• The 17yr old who ran in front of a train and just missed getting killed - natural selection arrives just that little bit too late sometimes doesn't it.



• Shaun Tait - in reference to the recent report on the state of Oz cricket and its recommendations to remedy the slide dickhead said "Australia is still the no.1 team in one-day cricket, you can't have it all ". What a surprise you'd say that you blouse, you never got the fact that test cricket is the only important form of the game to be fucken good in. It was all too fucken hard for you wasn't it Princess Shirley, shut your fucken piehole and stick to commenting about things you know best, like selling your arse like a two dollar whore down on Hanson Rd.



• James O'Connor - missed the recent rugby union test squad function because he got too pissed the night before, thereby resulting in him getting dropped for the upcoming test. A career in rugby league beckons me thinks.



• AFL tribunal - rubbed out Essendon's Heath Hocking for a week for tackling Daniel Kerr. Now I'm loathed to defend any Essendon player but for fucksake, it was a legitmate tackle, you remember the tackle, it's an integral part of our game that you fuckheads are trying to sanitise out. LEAVE THE FUCKEN GAME ALONE!



• Animal activists - for calling on the use of stun guns on Port players before they get slaughtered this week.



• Dennis Cometti - "I can't understand why the Cornes boys can't get a game for Port." Jesus, Dennis, you've spent far too much time with Broooooce. I can't understand why Chad gotta gig on 7.



• The bloke who was arrested for feeding pidgeons near an airport - on a related matter, Adrian Anderson should get arrested for feeding the chooks.



• Banksia Productions - for going into receivership and having to put Humphrey B Bear on the market. When asked for a comment Humphrey said fuck all. Don't worry, Humpers, there is a career in politics waiting for ya, just look at Fat Cat - he's spent the last decade dressed up in his Pat Conlon suit.



• Bluescope Steel executives - share a $3 million bonus on the same day as they announced the sacking of 1,000 employees. Cunts.



• Jessica Beagley - for putting hot sauce on to her adopted 7 year-old son's tongue just so she could get on Dr Phil. Fuck knows what you would have done to the poor cunt to get on Jerry Springer.



• Amy Winehouse - coroners found no illegal drugs in her body, only alcohol. Yep, only some bourbon, scotch, gin, beer, tequila, brandy, red wine, white wine, champagne, vodka, grand marnier, kahlua, bundy, bacardi, tia maria, Baileys, sherry, port, muscat, and a shot of sambucca to wash it all down.



• Channel 9 - for being busted faking a live-cross to a reporter supposedly in a helicopter on location at the Daniel Morcombe search site. Turns out the dodgy cunts filmed the helicopter at the Channel 9 studios in Brisbane. Apparently, it also has been revealed that Tracey Grimshaw has been filmed over the last 5 years in her stables at Randwick and not the Channel 9 studios. Fuckwits.



• AFL - for making SACA members pay to go see Port v Melbourne at Adelaide Oval. HAHAHAHAHAHA You fuckwits. You couldn't pay me to watch that shit.



• Jackson Trengove - for re-signing with Port Power. You stupid cunt - you obviously don't care about winning for the next few years.



• Benji Marshall - for thumping a bloke who told him that he thought Darren Lockyer was a better player than him. But it did not worry Benji in the slightest that he also called him a no-neck, neanderthal fuckwit.



• The elderly Dutch soccer fan who got so angry with the referee that he rode onto the pitch in his scooter and tried run the ref over - Bob Francis, I didn't know you liked soccer and are Dutch.



• Kevin Rudd - for winning the Twinings Australian Afternoon Tea challenge. Fair suck of the sauce bottle, fuckwit. How fucking ironic. As the old saying goes, a person is like a tea-bag, you don't know how strong they are until they get in hot water. And Kevvie, when you got in hot water, you got the arse by your own mob, fuckwit! Weak as piss.



• The cunt who shot a goose with an arrow at McLaren Vale - hey, Robin fucking Hood, there is a goose called Gaddafi that could do with an arrow right now.



• Spain's Duchess of Alba, Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart - the 85 year-old aristocrat (who would have figured that out with that surname) is getting married to a civil servant 25 years her junior. Apparently, she is fucking rich and is Spain's leading aristocrat and is said to have even more noble titles than Queen Elizabeth. She can add this one to the list - Snooty Rich Fuckwit.



• The survey that showed Aussie men are more optimistic than women - no shit sherlock. We are always optimistic that we can piss into the toilet bowl without missing in the dark when we are pissed. We are always optimistic that noone is gonna hear that fart that we try to squeeze out at the dinner table and that it is not going to smell like a dead rat.



• Nicki Hocking - for stripping to make money to look after a shitload of cats. I'm sure I can work a line in about pussies but that would be just too fucking obvious.



• Clive Davies - the 54 year-old pommy cunt who left the White Horse pub in Cambridge and showed employees at a nearby grocery store a seven-inch blade he said he planned to use on the staff who had served him the unsatisfactory beef and onion sandwich. Employees at the store called police and Davies, who has a previous conviction for manslaughter, was apprehended in another local pub, the Lion and Lamb. Fuck knows what he would have done if he tried one of their lion and lamb sandwiches.



• Adidas - for launching a barefoot shoe. Adidas has offered a pair of the barefoot shoes to a barefaced fucking liar, Julia Gillard.



• A heavily-trafficked stretch of highway in Tennessee was temporarily shut down after police discovered four large canisters of bull semen on the road - apparently they fell off the back of Monica Lewinsky's pick-up truck. Obviously, the protein-free diet didn't last too long.



• Shurley - Shane Warne and Liz Hurley are to get married. No need for a plastic wedding cake decoration - the cunts can perch themselves on top of the cake. Is Plastic Bertrand going to sing at the wedding? Or perhaps the Plastic Ono Band might reform for the occasion?



• Speaking of fucking weddings, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries - for fucKsaKe. Each guest at their wedding recieved a gift bag - among the items were a Kite, a Kidney, a Kelpie, a Kangaroo, a Kazoo, a Kayak and even a fucking winged Keel. And Kepler fucking Wessels presented guests with the gift bags. Kermit the fucking frog was MC and the KKK provided security. What a fucking Kerfufle. Kunts.


• Grant Thomas - "some clubs are strangled by egos and management blunders." And you would fucking know, fuckwit!



• OMG and BFF are now in the Oxford Dictionary - what about NFI, SNAFU and STFU?



• Gerrard Durant - the 26 year-old pommy electrician who was wiring up a caravan when a compressed air hose somehow found its way up his arse, causing him to inflate. "The next thing I knew I felt this strong air being blown on my legs from behind, and then something went up my rectum through the shorts I was wearing." This case is eerily similar to the Steve the NZ truckie who also had a similar "accident". Accident, my arse, you sick fuckwits.
  

Week 29 winner

Political correctness. I’ve had a fucking gutful of it. The whole world needs to take a teaspoon of concrete and harden the fuck up. We’ve got footballers squealing like stuck pigs because opponents are sledging their mums – for fucksake, the best way to respond is to get the fucking football, you bunch of fucking pussies. Imagine what would happen if Micky Martyn called Gary Ablett Sr’s mum a filthy strumpet – Gary wouldn’t have squealed, he would have sat on Micky’s head a few times and kicked 12 goals in response. Then we’ve got animal activists complaining that some sheep died on a broken down ship at Outer Harbour – a ship that was taking these sheep overseas to be, wait for it, killed. If someone can explain to me how to get a roast lamb or a nice char-grilled t-bone steak on my plate without killing the animal, I’m all fucking ears. Do these animal activists give a shit about more important things, like kids living on the fucking street or being abused by kiddy-fiddling priests? Nah, of course not, fucking tree-hugging hippy bastards, that would require them to step into the real world for a few moments.

Which brings us to the winner of this week’s Chad. It was not necessarily a unanimous decision – there was strong support for Crows supporters, 20/20 cricket and Channel 10 to win but in the end I had no choice but to award the medal to Indian cricket fans for calling me a “scoundrel” and a “blatant racist”. It was absolute fucking gold to get such a reaction to a diatribe I delivered not on Indian cricket, but ironically on Pakistan cricket. It got me thinking about what sort of reaction I met get from these currymunching fuckwits if I turned the blowtorch onto Indian cricket. So here goes…

India is solely responsible for turning the once great and noble game of cricket into a complete and utter farce, run by corrupt and inept arseholes more intent on lining their own pockets than protecting the integrity of the game. Cricket is now run by Indian betting syndicates via the Indian-run ICC. Test cricket is being allowed to wither like a shrivelled-up grape on a dying vine while billions of dollars are poured into the fucking steaming pile of crap that is 20/20 cricket. And yet Indian cricket fans call me a scoundrel and a racist. Well, my Indian cricket fans, you are the fucking scoundrels and racists and I’ll now provide you with a raft of irrefutable evidence in support.

Let’s start with “scoundrel”. By definition, a scoundrel is an unscrupulous person and unscrupulous means completely oblivious or contemptuous to what is right or honourable. My Indian friends, this perfectly describes Indian cricket over the past couple of decades. Here are some examples.

In 2000, Mohammed Azharuddin, the former Indian cricket captain was banned for life by the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) for his involvement in match-fixing. Azharuddin was responsible for introducing the dodgy Indian bookmaker Mukesh Gupta to Hansie Cronje, the late South African captain and a-grade cheating cunt, who was also banned for life. And as part of the same investigation, three other Indian players and a team official were also implicated. Ajay “Snake” Sharma was banned for life while Ajay Jadeja, Dr. Ali Irani, the team physiotherapist, and, ironically, Manoj Prabhakar, who started the scandal when he accused others of match fixing, all received five-year bans for their involvement with bookmakers. Fucking dirty cheats - the pricks under-performed for large sums of money supplied by Indian bookies. It is a pity that Cameron White can’t use that same excuse for his long-term under-performance. It is pretty bloody ironic that Prabhakar now heads up Naturence Cosmetics – the cunt sure knows a shitload about covering up. And to prove that corrupt behaviour is accepted in India, Azharuddin is now a Member of Parliament in India. Yep, the people of India, despite his blatant and proven dishonesty, voted him in to represent them. What do you say about that, Indian cricket fans???

The report into Azharuddin’s crooked dealings by the CBI, India’s equivalent of the FBI, also implicated the BCCI. The report said that while there was no evidence that any officials were involved in match fixing, such a widespread racket was not possible without their knowledge. If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it is most likely a fucking cheating cunt.

During the test between India and South Africa in November 2001, match referee Mike Denness found six India players guilty of various offences and banned them all for one test match. The players were:
o Sachin Tendulkar (ball tampering charges, including his own)
o Virender Sehwag (excessive appealing)
o Sourav Ganguly (inability to control his team player's behaviour and no doubt for being a prick)
o Harbhajan Singh (excessive appealing)
o Shiv Sundar Das (excessive appealing)
o Deep Dasgupta (excessive appealing)

Indian cricket fans took the streets burning effigies of Denness in protest – real classy. And true to form, the BCCI, rather than doing the honourable thing and disciplining the players, threatened instead to cut short the series if the ICC didn’t replace Denness as match referee, they refused, but the fucking South African Cricket Board bent over and obliged. Did any money exchange hands? Who can say, but it smells fucking fishy. If it walks like a duck…

India was also the stage for one of the most dreary Test matches of all-time, between India and England, a match in which everyone watching the game would have gladly chipped in some coin to bribe the players to end the match. The setting was in Bangalore in December 1981. India had gone 1-0 up in the series in the Bombay opener and was in no mood to throw away the advantage (most probably because they hadn’t been offered any cash to throw the game). England batted first and scored 400, with walking cure for insomnia, Chris Tavaré taking three hours to score 22. Then, when India batted, Sunil Gavaskar spent nearly 12 hours making 172 and put an end to any hope of a result in the match. So, all in all, the crowd were treated to a thoroughly mind-numbing match. Gavaskar, the arrogant cunt, also had a unapologetic history of monotony. His painful 36 not out off 174 balls in the first match of the first World Cup is surely one of the dullest batting spectacles of all time. England had thrashed four for 334 from their 60 overs with an assured Dennis Amiss century and a sparkling 51 not out by Chris Old off just 30 balls. Then, Gavaskar came in and batted, nay, bored for India. I spoke with Tony Greig about the match, “The stupid little prick. I told him after our innings that India could get a draw out of the game as long as they were not all out. Would you fucking believe the little curry-muncher believed me. Hahaha. His innings was about as exciting as watching Bill Lawry tend to his fucking pigeons.” India still had seven wickets in hand when the final, merciful ball was bowled at Lord's that June day in 1975, but they ended up a staggering 202 runs short.

Gavaskar and his mate, Ravi Shastri, have gone on to form the most biased commentary team in history. Gavaskar and Shastri have an unashamed conflict of interest in their dual roles as officials of the BCCI and contracted commentators. The pair get paid a huge some of money by the board that forces the pair to toe BCCI's line, ie to be biased. Indian cricket fans, do you think being paid to be bias is unscrupulous? I’ll answer that on your behalf – fucking oath it is. The whole situation erupted after a verbal spat between Shastri and former England skipper Nasser Hussain in their commentary stint during the second Test between England and India at Nottingham. Shastri strongly reacted to Hussain's comments about BCCI's stand on the Decision Review System (DRS), telling the Englishman that he has no right to speak on issues related to the BCCI. Well, Shastri, I think Hussein, even though he is a total fuckwit, has every right to question why the BCCI is dead against the introduction of the DRS – why would that be, I wonder? Would it be because it might cut out some potential match-fixing? Shastri and Gavaskar are now being accused of 'conflict of interest' and bias towards the BCCI while commentating since they are being paid by the Indian board. "There is no business for such people to be in the commentary box. But the scenario is hardly surprising, considering the BCCI works like a banana republic for which conflict of interest has never been an issue; in fact, it actively creates them," renowned media commentator Santosh Desai was quoted as saying to a leading Indian daily. "I see this as a larger nexus between the Board, the commentators and the TV broadcasters. The onus has to be on individuals, especially if they are iconic sportsmen, to set an example and not become part of this co-option for personal gain," Desai added. Gavaskar's former teammate Bishan Singh Bedi was also critical about BCCI's approach and termed it as 'unethical' to hire mouthpieces. "We are not surprised. Anyone familiar with this board knows there is no question of ethics with them. There is conflict of interest everywhere. There is brazen disregard for norms. It's run like a fiefdom and no opposition is tolerated." Ex-India spinner Maninder Singh, however, said Gavaskar and Shastri are victims of deep-rooted corruption in the country and cricket is not immune to the menace. "It's symptomatic of what the nation is going through. There are scams, corruption in every sphere of life and cricket is not immune. Any ex-player given that kind of money will succumb to temptation. It is the board's fault," said Maninder. "If the board was seriously interested in improving the game, such ex-players with deep knowledge of the game should have been paid to be on a cricket affairs committee to streamline scheduling or player fatigue or other niggling issues. Why commentary?" he added. Of course Gavaskar and Shastri denied the allegations as they drove off in their BCCI Bentleys.

So corruption in Indian cricket continues unabated. Take the insidious Indian Premier League (IPL), for example. This stain of a league has been continuously tainted with rumours of players throwing games or agreeing to commit a flagrant error in exchange for cash. And in the process, the IPL is destroying cricket. Once results of games are questioned, then the game is fucked. And then you have undeserving cunts like Shaun “Princess” Tait getting paid big bucks to bowl four fucking overs of tripe. It is a fucking embarrassment and dishonour to the champions of the past like Richie Benaud and Clive Lloyd. But I’m sure Greg Dyer would have fitted in perfectly. The competition is crooked. You want proof? Ok, here are a few examples. A high-profile minister in India, Shashi Tharoor, was forced to resign after a cricket official disclosed that his girlfriend was given a £10 million stake in an Indian Premier League Twenty20 cricket team. And then there are the player payments - last year an investigation found that 33 foreign cricket players were paid illegally to play for IPL teams and that a money-laundering scheme was involved to avoid the payment of taxes. Fucking bloody shonky. And Sharad Pawar, a former president of the BCCI and a key political ally of the ruling Congress party, was then accused of improperly using his office to influence bids for IPL contracts. A second minister was accused of diverting a passenger plane from the national carrier Air India for use by IPL players. For fucksake, we could have given them Tiger Airways, if they were that fucking desperate. The whole situation is rancid and is exactly why cricket is fucked. How can cricket survive when India rules the ICC??

While scoundrels abound in Indian cricket, they also run rampant elsewhere in India. Take the recent Commonwealth Games in New Delhi. The event was marred by reports of corruption in the planning of those games, poor management of the construction of new arenas (eg falling down bridges, a collapsing stadium roof), and an athletes’ village in which rooms were soiled by human waste (ie covered in piss and shit). And the Indian weightlifting team was caught in a doping scandal, with the weak bastards busted for taking steroids. And later, Mandeep Kaur and Sini Jose, two of India’s leading 400 metre runners and part of last year’s Commonwealth Games gold-medal winning relay team, were also suspended for taking steroids. Does the corruption in India ever end? The answer is fucking no. India has recently been rocked by a telecommunications scandal over the allocation of mobile phone licenses, as a government auditor concluded that the government might have lost about $40 billion in fees because officials gave licenses to favoured bidders at bargain prices. The Indian CBI filed charges against a former communications minister, his aides and several high-profile business executives in that case. They were accused of cheating, forgery and corruption. Sounds fucking familiar, doesn’t it?

I think I have more than adequately covered “scoundrels” so I’ll now move on to racism. Talk about deadset fucking hypocrisy. You could fill the British Library with stories on racism in India – it is one of the most racist nations on earth. Their entire caste system is based on race and heredity. Certain people have rights and others don’t. The haves and the have nots. Might partially explain why there is such a huge fucking gap between the rich and the poor in India. Foreigners are considered to be casteless and therefore outcasts. Ask any African what it is like to be in India. Take for example, Diepiriye Kuku, an African living in India - upon entering a bank one day Kuku was startled by a voice over the loudspeaker, droning, “An African has come.” A real nice welcome. Later, when Shaun Tait walked in, the same droning voice announced, “A heartless, dis-loyal, money-grabbing cunt has come”. And what about when Harbhajan Singh in Sydney and then a crowd of 100,000 in India called Andrew Symonds a "monkey" - I suppose that wasn't racist?

So Indian cricket fans, before you start pointing the finger, take a look in the fucking mirror – you are the fucking scoundrels and blatant racists. And while you are looking in the mirror, take a close look at that Chad Medal around your neck that that you have just won, it fits perfectly, doesn’t it – wear it proudly fuckwits. To close, I’d just like to say, if any of you cockheads disagree with my comments – stiff fucking shit, you can go and fuck ya selves.

Week 29 nominations

• The one in four children in NZ who live in poverty - you've got it far better than the other 3 who live with Doris the Sheep and are all related to Martin Sneddon.



• Andrew Capel - for continuing to aid the myth that Norwood's Dean "The Arsonist" Terlich is AFL material. For fucksake, have any of you so-called journos actually seen this cunt play??? He's fucking Penski material.



• Alistair Clarkson - for saying before the game that "Port are a pretty dangerous opponent". Yeah, good one, Clarko, ya fucking little gnome. The only danger in playing Port these days is getting a severe case of leather poisoning.



• Matty Primus - for his comments before the Hawthorn game that "the pain will pay off". Yep, it paid off in spades for those non-Port supporters out there watching the game - it was fucking gold watching those bastards surrender. Hey, Danyle Pearce, you are the weakest cunt ever to play the game.



• Kane Cornes - hehehehehehehehe. Bye bye, fuckface.



• Brett Duncansen - see Kane.



• AFL players - for trying to put their snouts further into the trough. How about you deliver some decent fucking footy before putting ya hand up for more cash. How about allowing some of that cash trickle back to grassroots footy - you know, the clubs that gave you your start in the first place. Greedy cunts.



• Glenelg - for advertising for a Senior Coach. As if anybody is going to apply for that fuckarse job. Christ, you would rather be the bloke who put his hand up to root Penny Wong's other half.



• The cunt who killed a 6 year old labrador with a paintball gun - you despicable bastard. When they catch you, I hope they load up a paintball gun and fire it from pointblank range at your nurries.



• Speaking of nurries, the bloke who shot himself in the balls at the Marksman Indoor Shooting Range - did ya get a free stuffed toy with that shot?



• Renee Geyer - for crap driving. Have you been watching Mark Webber?



• Cliff Richard - for recording a "soul" album. Fuck off. Cliff, you have has much soul as the Port Adelaide Football Club. Wired for sound? How about wired up to an electric chair, you fucking insipid cunt.



• Lady Gaga - for being the "new face of feminism". How the fuck can a tranny be the face of feminism?



• Allistair Cook - for being described as the "new Bradman". Yeah, good call, 60 tests at an average of 49. Maybe they were referring to Dudley Bradman, Sir Don's little known retarded cousin who was fucking ace at weaving whicker baskets.



• Tiger Woods - for missing another cut. The prick has a serious case of blue balls - it is time to give starfucker, Lara Bingle, a call and unload some of that pressure.



• Heidi "Tea Tree" Gully - for racking up $75,000 in unpaid car fines with the pissweak excuse that someone else was driving her car. Ya right - it was probably ya mates in the gang of 49 using ya car to deliver meals on wheels.



• Lainie Anderson - you serve up more shit than Lucy Cornes. Fuck off.



• Channel 10 - for planning to bring back It's A Knockout and Young Talent Time. I've got a better idea - how about combining the two - It's A Young Talent Knockout Time. I for one would love to see some of those smug little cheesy singing and dancing cunts getting a fucking backhander and when Johnny Fucking Young closes the show, Barry Hall steps on stage and delivers a Staker...."close your eyes...fucking bang!"



• Sarah Palin - for planning to run for US president again. She said, "there is plenty of room for a common sense conservative". Unfortunately, Sarah, you don't have any common sense - so go and fuck a moose.



• Peter Goers - for whinging about the smoking ban in the Rundle Mall. Fuck off, idiot - if you want a choof so bad, just take a short stroll down the road to the RAH - there a plenty of you smoking shitheads there.



• The Wiggles - you are starting to look like a bunch of fucking old paedophiles now, it is high time you handed your fucking skivvies in. Chad and Kane will need a job soon - I'm sure a couple of nice teal skivvies won't look out of place. By the way Kane coughed up the ball against Hawthorn, I'm sure he knows the words to "hot potato hot potato". Just don't ask either of them to say "Captain Feathersword" otherwise it will give a whole new meaning to "Swim Henry Swim".



• Tony Shaw - for saying the Bombers can win this year's premiership. You dumb little fuckhead, Sheeds wants his medication back.



• Luke Jarrad - for being reported against Centrals? Reported?? Luke Jarrad?? Those two statements go together like Mike Rann and humility. What the fuck did he get reported for? Impersonating a footballer? Attempting to dry root the Gowans twins? Shitting his dacks? I haven't laughed so much since the last Port Adelaide game.



• Crows supporters - apart from the bleeding obvious, this time for leaving the ground when the Crows were down by only 2 goals with 3 minutes left in the game to play and with the Crows pressing forward. Fair weather fuckwits.



• Crows supporters - for booing like fucking mindas when a Cats player took a mark in front of a Crows player who attempted to mark from behind. You fuckwits - the man in front rule has been in place for 150 years - learn to read and then grab ya selves a fucking rulebook. Fuckheads.



• Richmond - for costing a shitload of footy tippers a free whopper this week. The only people happy with that result are the pimple-faced fuckers that serve at Hungry Jacks.



• Mick Malthouse - for doing his cruit because his headphones didn't fit right. Either that or Nathan Buckley had his favourite Lady Gaga cd on high rotation.



• The Duchess of Pork, Sarah Ferguson - she looked like a fat Mick Hucknall in a dress and high heels when interviewed on Sixty Minutes. Lord Mountbatten's boat is waiting for you, Fergie.



• West Coast Eagles - for suspending Patrick McGinnity for sledging Ricky Petterd's mum. For fuck sake, sledging is an Australian tradition - if ya can't sledge a bloke's mum, who can ya sledge?? And besides, Petterd's mum is a cunt, allegedly.



• Jason Dufner - for blowing a 5 shot lead in the US PGA with only 3 holes left. You dickhead, I told ya not to take advice from the Shark.



• Keith Conlon - for advertising Pilates. Keith, Pilates is not a type of pie, you fat, bearded, grey-headed gnome.



• Kangaroo Island ferry operators - who the fuck is doing ya maintenance, Tiger Airways mechanics??



• Drivers who tailgate in the wet - back off, fuckwits.



• Angelo Mathews - vice captain of Sri Lanka. "Angelo Mathews" does not sound like a fucking Sri Lankan name - it sounds more like the lovechild of Greg Mathews and Angelo Christou.



• Indian cricket fans - for calling Laurie Holden a "scoundrel" and a "blatant racist" for his piece on the history of Pakistan cheating in cricket. Listen up, you currymunching fuckwits, India and Pakistan are life-long sworn enemies, so I would think I would have recieved your utmost support for that rant. But then again, if you don't like it, then you can get fucked. India has fucked cricket up completely - 20/20, handing the Poms the number one ranking, Gavaskar's bias and whiny commentary, inflicting Ganguly on the world, betting scandals. So to those Indian cricket fans who don't like the truth, shut ya fucking cakehole and take a few minutes to step into the room of mirrors. As for being racist, I'm fucking indiscriminate - if a fuckwit is a fuckwit then I'll call them a fuckwit, whether they be black, white, yellow, pink or Julia Gillard. Those Paki cunts are cheats - end of fucking story.



• Port Power - hahaha you fucken weak bunch of pricks, I fucken told ya I'd be laughing at ya for sometime to come, and you provided me with that much mirth on the weekend I nearly spewed up my beer* from laughing so hard. Port had the chance to answer their critics after their 'effort' against Collingwood and the result was a 165 thrashing at the hands of the Hawks. Great answer cunts. I was at the MCG to watch it and it's just about the best live comedy act I've seen, Port showed less stomach for a stoush than Karen Carpenter did for a fucken whopper with cheese. You are a fucken disgrace to the game of football. *see next nomination.



• MCG catering - ya go to the southern end bar, you get stung $7 for a beer, ya go to the bar on the wing it's $6.40, and it wasn't even proper beer, fucken Carlton draught. Cunts.



• Cesc Fabregas - former Arsenal skipper who did the runner to Barcelona, yeah Arsenal are gutted fuckwit, old 'captain sicknote' as he became known spent more time in the medical room getting treatment for a broken nail than on the pitch.



• 20/20 cricket - it's a fucken abortion of a game. If you need any justification for this comment ponder this, Cameron White is Australian captain. Good night Irene, it's fucked.



• The 11 year old kid in the London riots who pinched a bin from a department store - pity you didn't loot the hospital and pick up a brain you dopey little turd, didn't realise there were Port supporters abroad.



• The Advertiser - how's this for a voteline question - should banks reduce interest rates? Next week - is The Chad a cunt?



• Nuie - tiny Pacific nation is going to put Luke Skywalker on their currency as the Star Wars movies have had such an impact there. You know what else would make a decent impact on dumbfucks like that - make out that the island is the Death Star and unload some more nuclear testing on it.



• Swaziland - have been unable to open their only university due to having no money. Do you really need a degree to spear a fucken wilderbeast?



• The Korean bloke who tried to swim across the Yarra river after birthday celebrations but drowned - how did he manage to drown for fucksake, there's that much pollution in there he should've been able to walk across. And how come Jim Courier survived when he jumped in after winning the Aussie Open back in the early 90s? Now we have to put up with the cunt's crap commentary.



• Public Servants - take twice as much sick leave as the average Aussie worker. Get back to work ya mooching cunts.



• Norwood Footy Club - can't keep the globes in their fucken light towers, one fell out on Friday night and hit a spectator. How many Dean Terlichs does it take to change a lightbulb?



• The taxi industry - whilst sitting in a Melbourne pub looking out the window over the weekend I decided to play a little game called 'spot the caucasian taxi driver'. The results came in at 67 taxis in 45 mins, and guess how many of the cunts were caucasian - that's right, fucken zilch. There is another game that is fun to play - spot the mindas among a Crows crowd - you guessed it, a 100% strike rate on the minda meter.



• Essendon supporters - fair dinkum do you like the smell of your own shit or what, arrogant smarmy cunts. And no Brett Stanton is not a good footballer, despite what you fuckheads say, he is a fucken pillow. OK, so there are a few Essendon supporters that actually think that Stanton is a pillow but he pulls on an Essendon jumper so too fucking bad.



• Brett Duncanson - for saying "we don't whinge about things at Port Adelaide." Hehehehe. You cockhead, have you ever sat in the outer amongst your fellow Port supporters?? The cunts' vocabulary is limited to "boooooo", "baaaaaaaaaaaaaall" and "deliberate". And when they are not whiging about the umpires, they are whinging about being screwed by the SANFL. The Port nickname is being changed from the Power to the Poms. Whinging bastards.



• That fucking annoying APIA Insurance ad on radio - ok, so most pensioners are fucking annoying but that ad gives me the shits and pretty much guaran-fucking-tees that I will never ever take out an insurance policy with APIA. Sue and Terry, just fucking piss off on that holiday of yours to Lakes Fucking Entrance and take that annoying fucking APIA cow with ya.



• The mouse that grounded a Stockholm-to-Chicago flight, stranding 250 passengers, after it was spotted scampering along the aisle before takeoff - the plane finally took off after the mouse returned to Richard Gere's arse.



• Tanielu Atuai - the Mormon official who was arrested for trying to board a flight with a loaded gun in his hand luggage. He argued that he was on a mission from god. Yeah nice try fuckwit, you're not a fucken Blues Brother. Tanielu Blues - doesn't have much of a ring to it does it, how about Tanielu the bible bashing sheep fucker.



• The NZ woman who went on a $42,000 rampage after discovering her husband was having an affair - she later discovered she had targeted the wrong sheep station.



• Hendra virus - six horses have now died from the disease in NSW and fucking Tracey Grimshaw was once again not one of them. Come on Hendra, do us a fucking favour will ya and knock on Tracey's door.



• The 11 year old German boy who called the cops after his mum made him do chores on his summer break - think yourself lucky you ungrateful little cunt, if it was 70 years ago they would've stuck a rifle in your hand and put you on the Russian front.



• Mourners who gathered at Elvis Presley's gravesite to mark the 34th anniversary of his death - for fucksake, he was a fat cunt who died on the shitter, get a grip. Does that mean mourners will continue to gather outside childcare centres on the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death each year as well?



• Kevin Sheedy - for offering to take the Cornes brothers to GWS. You senile old cunt, whilst you're at it, take the rest of the fucking family as well.



• Jeremiah Lee Wright - bludgeoned, decapitated and dismembered the body of his 7 year old son and left his head on the street so the boy's mother would see it. Jesus christ, what the fuck is wrong with some people, watch your back you sick cunt karma is coming to get you, hopefully in the form of a fucken noose and some electrodes on your nuts.



• Mark MacLure - for suggesting that people who pay to go the footy can't say what they want. Bullshit. Paying the entrance fee to the AFL or any football game for that matter entitles you to say whatever the fuck you want. For example, going to a Port game automatically allows you to make comments like, "Fuck off, Kane, you are a soft selfish cunt and ya mum rooted the entire Phillis family."



• Eddie McGuire - for suggesting that before any supporters make comments they should first consider, "would you say it in front of your grandma?". Eddie, that comment is just going to confuse Collingwood supporters because in most cases their grandma is also their mum/aunty/sister.



• Brad Scott - for using the same tin of kiwi boot polish on his hair as David King. What is it with you blokes that dye their hair? You look like fucking tools.



• Mark Robinson - for a severe case of "pot kettle black". He launched a scathing attack on sledging in football but then goes on to call Mick Malthouse a neanderthal in his column.



• Football media - for calling on Mick Malthouse to apologise to Stephen Milne for calling him a rapist. Get fucked, that is the best compliment Milne has ever received.



• Tom Waterhouse - for his ad for his betting website, tomwaterhouse.com - "I was born a Waterhouse, I was born to bet." Well, Tom, ya deadset fuckwit, if you are anything like your dodgy old man, a more appropriate slogan would be, "I was born a cheating cunt, I was born to fix horse races."



• The Footpath Flasher - this filthy cunt who exposed himself to a woman at Seaton was described as "having a weathered complexion." No fucking wonder it has a weathered complexion if it is exposed to the elements on a regular basis.



• NZ Rugby Fans - for deciding not to abstain from sex during the All Blacks World Cup campaign. No fucking wonder 200 sheep jumped ship at Outer Harbour - they would rather drown than get shagged by a randy New Zealand rugby supporter.



• Sperm donor dad who had his name removed from his daughter's birth certificate by a court order initiated by the lezzo mum - for fucksake. No matter how you cut and dice it you lezzos, ya cannot conceive a child without a bloke's jizz.



• Lyalya "Tupac" Tupikova - the Russian woman who stabbed her husband to death because he forgot her birthday. But she had no problem with the fact that he got smashed every night on vodka and stank like a rancid pig.



• Gerard Depardieu - for urinating in an aeroplane in front of fellow passengers after cabin crew refused to let him use the toilet. Apparently, Gerard argued that a passenger asked for his autograph and he was just signing his name.



• Will Power - the Aussie Indy Car driver (who was previously nominated for his name) for spitting the dummy when he crashed out of the New Hampshire race. Still, he showed more fight than the other Power we know and love.



• The fuckwits that have launched an online petition to get Sesame Street room-mates Ernie and Bert to tie the knot - Fuck off! Next they'll be telling me the Village People are gay. Bert and Ernie are not gay - they are just really good friends. Sure, they sleep together and share the occaisonal bath with rubber ducky, but that doesn't mean they are woolly woofters. Elmo, on the other hand, is a deadset poo puncher.
  

Round 28 Winner

An absolute plethora of fuckwits were strong contenders for this weeks Chad Medal. It's getting fair dinkum scary the amount of dropkicks that are emerging as candidates each week, the world is going to shit. The state and federal Labor parties continue to provide us with incompetent hilarity ( the only thing that isn't funny is that these fuckheads are running round sniffing their arses when they're supposed to be running the country ) that you certainly wouldn't see from the twins of pissweak, unfunny, fucking crap humour, Hamish and Andy. Kanye West delighted us with his Hitler comparison, well there is some parity, Hitler was responsible for the death of a generation of people and Kanye is responsible for the death of the modern generation of music. The Youth Affairs Council of SA presented a strong case with their whinge about the police picking on the young on the roads, you know why they do it, because they're the biggest collection of fucken dickheads on the roads you fuckwits. Steve Williams once again proved that Kiwis are fucken goons by his dribble about himself after Adam Scott had just won a tournament - I this I that, hey cunt did you hit any of the balls? Sink any putts? No? Well shut your fucken piehole then. These and many more I could name, but won't because it's Friday and a bottle of Wild Turkey is imploring me to drink it, so the judges have decided this weeks winner of The Chad Medal is the Port Adelaide Football Club. I'll provide my reasoning in point form because, uummm, well because I just fucken can.

1. Which Port Adelaide I hear you say. It's a very good point, when Port Power first entered the AFL they tried their best to distance themselves from the Port Magpies. Then they said they were one, then they didn't, then they did and I fucken lost track somewhere. Eventually they did the dumb thing and united as one, why dumb you may ask, well anyone who's had any affiliation with the other SANFL clubs hated Port with the same passion Bernard Finnigan has for dietry supplements, so after years of trying to attract these people to support the club they reminded them why the fuck would they want to join that pack of wharfie cunts. Everything about Port has always smacked of arrogance, they think the world owes them and needs them, well newflash cunts, you're a small fish in a big pond and your " We are Port, bend over and take it up the shitter whilst we do what we want " bullying routine doesn't fucken work anymore.
2. They're on the bones of their arse and are expecting people to bail them out constantly. You know why you're in the shit? Because you are fucking shithouse at running a sinking ship that should be a viable business. Fuckheads like Duncanson saying "we're not Fitzroy", yeh the AFL left Fitzroy for dead, they're bailing you fuckers out constantly. Scream all you want about the SANFL clubs taking too much money from them, poor stadium deals, not getting decent scheduling, blahblah, whinge whine, go and get fucked. The people you have in charge of your club couldn't run a fucken chook raffle and the so called supporters won't even turn up ( more about them later).
3. The players they do have have been displaying about the same spine as a fucken jellyfish. And you wonder why no one wants to go to Port, well have a good hard look at last weeks game against Collingwood, it was a fucken disgrace. You can accept if you tried your guts out and just weren't good enough on the day, you don't have to like it but you can accept it, but there is no excuse for not having a red hot go. What these cunts have been displaying is insipid garbage, weak as piss. There's no leadership so the kids are left to fend for themselves which kills their confidence and destroys the club from within.
4. Their supporters are frontrunning mindas. They yearn for the days when Port were the big fish, well now they're a rancid fucken pilchard. They're full of excuses, eg their media stooge Rucci, about their woes, both on and off field, they won't take responsibility for the shithole of a club Port has become. They're real dinky dye, through thick and thin people too, lose a few games and they run away faster than a pisshead who's just realised he doesn't have the money to pay for his taxi. It's cunts like these that crap on about the culture of Port, and how great it's been, how much better it is than other clubs. Well where are you pricks now, when your club most desperately needs you, you fuck off, you cunts are a disgrace.

So as you can see, with just these 4 points, how easy it was to give Port The Chad Medal this week. Their supporters are fuckwits, their administration is useless, their playing group is weak as piss. Well done Port, unlike the continual handouts you're getting you've really earned this award. Wallow in your own shit, I know I'll be laughing at you arsewipes for some time to come.

Week 28 nominations

• Matty Primus - for his comment after Port's worst ever loss, "the effort was ok". Fuck off - it was pathetic. And a really apt send off for Chad. Bye bye, Chad - go and fuck yourself.



• Port Adelaide - so, Rucci, who was to blame for that insipid performance? All 23 of your supporters? The SANFL? The AFL draw? The planets weren't aligned? Nup, it is ya board led by Brett Duncanson or is that Duncan Brettsen? They have made one shit decision after another that culminated in Saturday night's clusterfuck. Duncanson is an idiot - he said pre-match that Chad didn't play all most of the year because he was injured. So he played for the Bays injured then, did he?? Rucci, write the story that the Port board has to go, if you have the balls.



• Chad - for his comment that he didn't speak to Matty Primus for months. Matty was fucking happy as larry - he didn't get a face full of phlegm for months.



• Adam Goodes - for fucking up Laurie Holden's footy tips. You owe me a whopper, you fucking dirty cunt.



• Mike Rann - for a shit impersonation of Andy Capp in the Sunday Mail.



• Jay Weatherill - for at least two reasons. a) his favourite drink is a butcher of light beer and b) he rooted Penny Wong for 5 years - no wonder she turned into a lezzo.



• Penny Wong - for having a baby with her lezzo partner. For fucksake. I wonder who the father is? It would have to be a Labor cunt, wouldn't it? If it comes out throwing punches then it is probably Roley Poley Foley. If it comes out with a dodgy heart then it is probably K Rudd. If it comes out with a big fucking nose and red hair then it is either Ronald McDonald or Julia Gillard. If it comes out choosing its own departure date then it is probably Media Mike. If it comes out without a face then it could be any number of Labor's faceless backroom boys. Either way, it will be a fucking cunt.



• Ben Hook - for describing Sam Parkinson as a "legendary SA cricketer". Good one, shithead. Sam was crap - he was a swing bowler whose stock ball was slow, short and gun barrel straight - 90% of which were despatched easily to the boundary. The other 10% were bowled to bunnies like Bob Holland and Bruce Reid and casually french cut for a single. The prick couldn't swing a pendulum.



• Shane Warne - the latest picture of him looks like he has walked straight off the set of the Thunderbirds or Madame Tussauds Museum. Come on, Warney, you look like a anorexic gay Matt Hayden.



• People choofing on ciggies outside the RAH - you wankers, if ya gonna smoke, then give up ya hospital beds to cunts who are not trying to kill themselves.



• Meatloaf - for collapsing on stage for the second time in a week. Can't ya take a hint, Meat? It's time to hang up ya loaf and fuck off.



• Kings of Leon - for cancelling their US tour after lead singer Caleb Followill walked off stage midway through a concert. The band was booed by fans in Dallas when Followill left the stage last Friday night, saying, “For the record, I’m not drunk…I’m about to fall over here because I’m so daggum hot…I’m gonna go backstage for a second and I’m gonna vomit, I’m gonna drink a beer and I’m gonna come back out and play three more songs.” …but he never returned. According to the band’s rep, Caleb is dealing with "vocal problems and exhaustion". Good one, fuckwit, he's on the drugs, he's on the drugs, he's on the drugs that killed River Phoenix.



• Jamie Oliver - Jamie's meals in 30 minutes. Yeah righto arsehole, they might be if you're a fucken chef. Does that 30 minutes include cleaning up the fucken bombsite that's created cooking your masterpieces ya fucking muppet? Lovely jubbly? Nah, get fucked.



• Cameron White - captained Australia's 20/20 team to a 2-0 loss to Sri Lanka. Can't bat, can't bowl, can't captain, fuck off.



• Rowey - for referring to Matty Primus as a "brand". Fuck me, they wouldn't even stock that fuckarse brand at The Reject Shop.



• Real Madrid - for signing a 7 year-old Argentinean boy. Jesus christ, is a fucking Catholic priest running the club?



• Domenic Cassisi - for saying that "noone goes out on to the field to shirk a contest". Bullshit, wog boy - there were 22 of you weak teal cunts doing just that against Collingwood on the weekend.



• The London Riots - for fucksake, you pommy fuckwits, you're the number one test team in the world and ya still not happy. Then again, the cunts doing the rioting are probably fucking currymunchers and are shitty that you knocked them off. Free plasma, anyone? While you are in a mood to burn shit down, try Tottenham's home ground - it will give you new meaning to the Hotspurs.



• Caddie Steve Williams - for pulling his pud as Adam Scott won the World Golf Championships. When he finished belting off, he described Scott's win as "the best win I've ever had". Ah, fuckwit, I don't recall you picking up a club and knocking the ball into the hole. Aren't you that Kiwi cunt who is good at carrying bags?



• James Brayshaw - for whinging that Collingwood and Hawthorn have more money to spend than his mob. Get some fucking members, fuckface. Noone gives a shit about ya shineboner spirit - the most spirit shown by any of ya players was in the dunny at Glen Archer's joint - King Carey certainly gave Kelly Stevens a good old-fashioned shinboning.



• Chris Judd - for being a greedy bastard and wrapping up his 3rd Brownlow Medal on top of being a squillionaire with a hot missus. Share it round, ya prick.



• Alwyn Davey - for making Brent Stanton look good. The little pillow couldn't get a kick if he walked through the stalls on Melbourne Cup Day with a cattle prod turned up to 11. South Adelaide have never been better since he left, and they are fucking shit.



• Kevin "ol' wino" Sheedy - for not drafting Adam Goodes even though Goodes was a passionate Essendon fan and had trained with the club numerous times prior to the 1997 draft. Sheeds drafted serial spastic Mark Bolton and nominee for the worst player of all time (apologies to Richard Lounder and John Meesen), Judd Lalich (who the fuck are they, I hear you say?) before Sydney took Goodes at pick 43. Goodes has since inflicted carnage on Essendon for 12 years as punishment for that blind cunt Sheeds not drafting him. Sheeds, fuck off back to Denmark or the Tiwi Islands and try to preserve what little bit of respect you have left. Old dickhead.



• AFL Umpires - yeah, you fucking poofters and your bosses are all fucked and are bending our game over and giving it one right up the clacker, just like Ang Christou and Kouta. Thanks a lot ya retarded fucking dwarves - yeah, I'm talking about you, Razor Ray. Ever heard of holding the ball and prior opportunity, ya cunts? Player picks up a ball and wham, he's tackled and 10 pricks jump on him and he's holding the ball - yet some schmuck (eg Robbie Gray) can take 8 bounces (ok, so Robbie wouldn't work hard enough to take 8 bounces), gets tackled and then throws the ball away Kevin Bartlett-style and its play on. Fuck off.



• Gepps Cross u13 runner - siren goes and Payneham beat Gepps by 10 goals in a fucking monsoon on Friday night. Gepps runner calls out, "great work boys, they only beat us by 10 goals". No wonder kids these days are fucked up, with cockheads like that running the show. 10 goals in those conditions is the equivalent of 20 goals on a normal day, ya spazzo. Back to Yatala for you, dickwad.



• Ninemsn - for this quote about Hamish and Andy, "Australia's most adorably loveable goofballs are back on TV". Please allow me to re-phrase that, ninemsn, "Australia's most unfunny fucking fuckheads are back on TV."



• Kanye West - for comparing himself to Hitler, "I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I'm fucking insane, like I'm Hitler. One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did." Ah, Kayne, I hate to break it to ya, ya talentless fuckwit, but Hitler is regarded as just as big a cunt today as he was back in his heyday. So, if you mean that people think you are a fucking cunt like Hitler, then you are spot on. And given your crap "singing", you've probably only got one nurry like him too. Kanye, has only got one ball, Kayne has only got one ball...



• John Travolta and the rest of his Hollywood Scientology mates like Tom Cruise and Priscilla "Plastic" Presley - newsflash, John, it aint a fucking religion, it is just one big steaming pile of dog shit. L Ron Hubbard - now there's a fucking cunt for ya, the fucken con artist was reincarnated as Rocco Leo. Or is that Sav Rocca - maybe that is why the soft cunt's US work visa was refused.



• Today Tonight - what a superb night of fucking current affairs. Firstly, we had Misha the eyebrow expert - fuck off - here is a client that will give you a regular income for a year, ya mole - Domenic Cassisi's monobrow - ya would need a fucking hedge trimmer for that brow. Then we had Gerry Harvey on, blatantly advertising his new on-line shopping facility under the guise of a "story" about on-line retail. Get fucked, current affairs my arse, it was fucking advertising for an old fucking cunt who has missed the on-line boat and is now trying to scramble on board by selling fucking cakes of soap and other assorted bullshit that Cheap As Fucking Chips rejected. You fucking senile dickhead, the boat has left the harbour and you are standing there looking like a complete fucking goose.



• The baby humpback whale stranded on the beach on the Gold Coast - after being rescued (Bob Brown was reportedly caught "rescuing" the whale with his dacks around his ankles) the fat cunt of a whale was reportedly spotted off the coast near Surfers Paradise. The reports were quickly refuted when marine biologists realised that Scotty Cummings was holidaying on the Gold Coast.



• The Australian media - for claiming Nancy Wake as an Australian. She was born a fucking sheep-fucker in New Zealand. When are you fuckers gonna stop claiming New Zealanders as Australians? Russell Crowe*, Neil Funn and Tum Funn**, Keith Urban, Wayne Schwass - they are fucking New Zealanders and they can fuck off back there has far as I'm concerned. * Russell Crowe was Australian in Romper Stomper but he's been a Kiwi cunt ever since, especially in Gladiator when he was strutting around like fucking Ewan Chatfield in a toga. I am Maximus? Fuck off, I am an over-rated cunt who barracks for the Rabbitohs. ** Split Enz can be claimed as Australian because they were fucking great but Crowded House are definitely from New Zealand because they were fucking pussies and deadset fucking boring - Better Be Home Soon? - yeah, fuck off back to Auckland.

• The Census - all good in theory but what good is it for people like Port supporters who can't read the fucking thing to fill it in?

• Charlie Pickering - hahahaha, ah no actually you're not fucking funny you smug little turd.

• Kitty Flanagan - she ain't getting any funnier either, The 7PM Project has all the comic genius of Hamish and Andy.

• The two teenagers accused of lighting a fire that killed a disabled bloke on Black Saturday 2009 - have been found to be unfit to stand trial as both suffer mild to moderate intellectual disability and function at the level of an 8 or 9 year old. You were in a fit enough state of mind to start the fire, fuck ya. And so what if they function at the level of an 8 or 9 year old, it hasn't stopped Stephen Rowe from getting a job on radio.

• Mark Riccuito - 1) suggested Port sound out Roley Poley Foley about taking over the spot recently vacated by Mark Haysman. I thought they wanted to entice people TO the club, not further repel people from the fucken joint 2) quote - " Then unfortunately free agency comes in next year, which will favour succesful clubs with good cultures and bank balances ". Yeah, so fucken what. Whilst the merits of free agency are still up for grabs, clubs with good cultures deserve success, they work hard to build and maintain a successful culture in their club. This then generally flows on with an increased income stream, so why the fuck should these teams get stiffed because a fuckarse club like Port have all the culture of an Unley Oval dogturd.

• Matt Primus - reckons the Power's poor results won't hurt it's chances of retaining Victorian key defenders Jackson Trengove and Alipate Carlile. You dickhead, of course it won't - let's see should I stay with a club that is fucked from top to bottom or should I go to a club that might see me play finals and get me back closer to my family. Even a dumbfuck like Tredders could join the dots there.

• Bob Katter - the cunt is as mad as a cut snake and his snoz looks like a dick.

• The AFL - when you're bankrolling over a third of your product just to keep them alive you're running a shit comp.

• Diane Nyad - marathon swimmer who only made it halfway whilst attempting to swim 166km from Cuba to Florida Keys. Fucken quitter.

• People responsible for G.Cornes and Rowe increasing their listener numbers on their show - hang your heads in shame, you know who you are, fucken stop encouraging them.

• The Youth Affairs Council of Sth Aust - criticised a police road safety campaign for targeting young people. In a completely unrelated incident a 19 yr old p-plater was recently pulled over by police after being clocked at 122km in a 60km zone and blew .026. Fuckwits.

• Brett Duncanson - " We're not Fitzroy ". You're dead right about that fuckwit, when Fitzroy went down the gurgler they still had some decent players playing for them.

• Karmichael Hunt - has found the grind of playing AFL too hard , boohoo, with coach Guy McKenna saying he " looked cooked " a week before they played Geelong, and " I would probably say he has hit the wall ". Wallet weighing you down is it cunt, ya might need to scoff a few more of those fucken Swisse tablets.

• Todd Carney - Sydney Rooster serial pisshead caught drinking after the club imposed a two week alcohol ban in a bid to curb the club's deteriorating off-field behaviour. Hehehe, that worked a treat, that prick is as likely to give up the piss as Bernard Finnigan is to get off the computer.

• Warren Jeffs - Texan polygamist cult leader has been jailed for life for his 'spiritual marriage ' to 2 girls aged 12 and 15. Hopefully he ends up in a jail cell where he has a spiritual marriage with a 150kg bloke named Bubba.

• Laughter Yoga - to anyone attempting this, you look like fucken dickheads, people aren't laughing with you, they're laughing at you ya wankers.

Round 27 Winner

The winner of The Chad Medal this week was akin to Stephen Rowe, a no-brainer. Despite the best efforts of ' social commentator '/ ignorant, mouthy fucken arsewipe Mia Freedman with her disgraceful effort in denegrating the effort of Tour de France winner Cadel Evans, the winner is the man who was the inspiration of the creation of this blog through his many years of perfecting the art of being a complete and total fuckwit. It's the one and only Chad Studley Cornes.

Spittle boy, human sprinkler, arrogant fuckwit, bonafide knobhead, 'son' of a smug fossillised old cunt, brother of a dribbling sheepdog, stepson to an attention seeking fucken sook, self indulgent turd, social page seeking cunt, media whore. He goes by these and many more aliases, each as well earned as each other. You know when you google something you normally come up with interesting titbits of information, well when you do that to The Chad you get fuck all of interest but pages about the dangers of drowning in your own dribble whilst sleeping and how to be a media craving slut, which is perhaps the most accurate indicator on the cunt than anything else. So from the snippetts I dug up and some reflections of both my own and of some readers, I give you the brief story of Chad Cornes - cunt extroadinaire.

Chad was born on Nov 12 1979, the birth certificate has Graham and Pam as mother and father but urban legend has it he was the result of a three way orgy between Fred Phillis, Tony Mcguinness and a llama. ( An interesting sidenote if I may digress - two other things of interest also occured on Nov12 - 1) Charles Manson was born on this date. There's a fucken comparison for ya - a cunt who specialised in murdering people and a cunt who specialised in murdering the English language 2) For those of you who were sceptics about the merits of reincarnation check this out - on Nov 12 1035 King Cnut of Denmark died. 944 years later The Chad - King Cunt of Studley was born, coincidence? ) Early years for The Chad were happy if a little soggy, numerous times his parents had to change his sodden bedsheets in the morning thinking he'd pissed himself during the night but discovered The Chad had just dribbled whilst talking in his sleep. Chad was 'educated 'at Sacred Heart College, which is on the pricy end of the education scale. Luckily for 'parents 'Graham and Pam they were able to offset some of the price by getting The Chad to water the school ovals by talking non-stop during recess and lunch breaks 3 times a week. It was here that his teachers discovered The Chad had a talent for football, was a conceited, arrogant little cunt, and had a speech impediment that made porky pig sound like Geoffrey Rush. The amateur poetry recital in year 8 was apparently a disaster, with Chad's attempts at pronouncing " Seth at Sainsburys sells thick socks ", " six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards ", and " six slimy snails sailed silently " causing $85,000 water damage to the school gymnasium.

After school Chad came to the realisation that he was unlikely to ever be able to attain his dream job, speaker of the house in parliament, so he pursued the only other thing he saw a future in, football. He made his debut for Glenelg, the same club that 'dad' Graham and mum's root Fred Phillis had played for. With the last name Cornes comparisons to Graham were inevitable, would this lad be a trumped up little upstart cunt like him? You bet your arse. But apparently he also displayed enough football talent to catch the eye of AFL scouts, with Port Power drafting him, originally as an irrigation system for Alberton Oval, and also as a future player. And granted at his peak ( not a Brad Moran peak ) The Chad could play footy, not as well as he fucken thought but he could play a bit. His moment in the sun came in the 2004 winning GF when he held Jonathon Brown to a solitary behind, however what isn't commonly known is before the siren The Chad went up to Brown, shook his hand and wished him luck, and in the process spat in Brown's eye which rendered him legally blind for the duration of the game. So yeah he could play a bit, but didn't the cunt let everyone know how fucken good he thought he was. Constant fist pumping, sputem filled interviews, ego fuelled comments, and ' look at me ' appearances in fucken society pages took the gloss from whatever he may have achieved on the field. People were sick of The Chad, the urge to take a block of timber and smash it round his giant ego ridden melon was becoming a common wish for many football watchers. Fuck me how many times did the cunt manage to get his picture in the fucken paper, The Advertiser quickly became known as The Chadvertiser, the only place you didn't see him was in the fucken obituaries.

With fame and fortune, and with a fucken ego the size of Dawn French's arse controversy followed the Chad, culminating in a court appearance in 2008 for allegedly assaulting Fred Phillis, who at that stage was feeding the tiger into Chad's mum. Details are sketchy as to the exact reason for the altercation, but over the years three main theories have emerged 1) a revenge attack from when Wayne Phillis reputedly thumped skeletor in 1978 for alleged improper dealings with his then other half 2) Phillis took the piss out of The Chad for his lisssssp 3) Phillis thought The Chad spat at him when he asked if Fred wanted spicy sausages with sauce at a family bbq. It was about this time injuries started to curtail his football with crook knees, broken fingers,and a blistered tongue making it difficult for him to get on the field. The only thing that remained uninjured was his sense of self worth. But these injuries, together with a dramatic loss of form resulted in him getting dropped to the SANFL, hehe eat a shitburger. The writing was on the wall for The Chad, unfortunately he couldn't fucken read it. He was determined to keep going in 2011, even considering seeing a psychologist to help him regain his form. While you were at it you should've been seeing a fucking speech therapist too ya cunt.

So as season 2011 dawned, things looked bad for The Chad. His ego refused to accept that he was fucked and should chuck in the towel ( quote Chad " they'll have to push me out " ), so he sat on his arse in the SANFL, only getting a game when Justin Westhoff suffered from toe jam or Jay Schulz fell to bits like a rooted bit of cheap lego. Fair dinkum not getting a gig in a side that's getting pummeled is a fucken decent nudge dickhead. A mere handful of games were the result, and culminated in The Chad eventually seeing the light and pulling up stumps, after playing his last game against Collingwood, hehe premiership favourites, good team to finish against cockhead.

So what now for The Chad you may ask, well unfortunately for the public, with a last name Cornes you can bet he'll be in the fucken media. Can you imagine the shit he'd write in his newspaper columns - Chris Judd, good but not Chad good, how to be like Chad, surviving surplus saliva, how to be a media whore, and The Chad guide to making yourself the centre of attention. Fucken great, just fuck off to wherever Fweddy Mcguinness is and stay there you cunt, we're all sick of the fucken sight of ya.

So The Chad has finally won the medal emblazoned with his name on it. There is a certain symmetry to the awarding of the medal this week for it is more than well earned, for the years we have been subjected to listening and seeing the cunt have proved what a fuckwit he is, and that is what The Chad Medal is all about. Chad, you are well known for your " do you know who I am " routine, yes we all know, and that's why you won, you're a self absorbed, dribbling fuck knuckle. Take the award cunt and fuck off.

Week 27 nominations

• Melbourne football club - for a fucking brilliant impersonation of the Crows shithouse performance against St Kilda in the first half against Geelong. Ditto the second the half as well. Hamish and Andy take note - there is plenty of material for ya crap show in that game.


• Melbourne football club board - for a fucking brilliant impersonation of the Crows in sacking their coach after their players performed like Russell Wortley in a cabinet meeting.


• Garry Lyon - for fucksake, Gaz, will ya show some kahunas and help out ya beloved club. You are fast becoming the Peter Costello of football. Take a leaf out of James Hird's book - sure Hirdy is a lying snivelling little cunt with jug ears and no integrity, but at least he put his nurries on the line and took on the coaching job. Ok, sure, so Hirdy has more assistants than Imelda Marcos has shoes, but that is not the point.


• Mike Rann - just fuck off already, will ya, Mikey. Jay doesn't need any mentoring from you, he's already a cunt and I'm sure he'll be able to match your boring, monotone fucking annoying voice - he'll be pissing people off in no time. Just make sure you clear ya desk - Michelle Chantelois would love her jocks back, assuming she was wearing any.


• Jay Weatherill - just fuck off already, will ya, Jay.


• The SA Labor Party - roll up, roll up, the Labor Party circus is in town. See Jay's amazing knife-throwing act. Witness the death-defying Roley Poley Foley on the hiwire. Laugh at Fat Pat the Fuckhead Clown. Watch the incredible Michelin man, Bernie Finnigan, as he attempts to simultaneously break the world pie-eating and internet downloading records - kids must be accompanied by parents to this part of the show. And see the sensational Russell Wortley juggle the truth. And don't miss out on Tom Koutsantonis as tries to avoid paying another speeding fine. Fun for all the family!


• Kris Jenner - mother of Kim, Khloe, Kourtney and Kockhead Kardashian for revealing that she suffers from stress incontinence. Funny about that - I get the shits whenever I'm unlucky enough to catch any of their show. And Kim, Serena Williams wants her fat arse back.


• Mathew Lokan - for attempting a speccy against Norwood on the weekend. You have got to be jokin Lokan - you are too fat, too slow, too often. And it would help if you didn't play in ya Bernie Finnigan suit.


• $13 million for carbon tax cops - fuck off, Julia. I tell ya what, let's make a deal - you scrap the carbon tax and go and get fucked.


• Rowey - for another insightful comment, "we won't let anyone go to air unless they are right 90% of the time." In that case, Rowey, then you and Skeletor should shut the fuck up and find other jobs between 4pm and 7pm on weeknights.


• Jack "Tori" Snelling - for saying he didn't give Mikey an ultimatum. Hahahahaha - you really are a complete dickhead.


• The Census - for not asking the following question - do you think Julia Gillard is a cunt? (tick one of the following options - yes or fucking oath)


• Glenelg - for losing to South Adelaide at Glenelg Oval. They have really gone on with it since sacking Rubbers - ever heard of the saying "changing the deckchairs on the Titanic"? Or that other chestnut, "Glenelg are a bunch of fucking soft-cocks".


• Unley Mayor Lachlan Clyne - for being arrested for defamation and identity theft. Apparently, the defamation case stems from calling Sturt's Luke Norman a coach (football followers everywhere have taken umbrage at that ridiculous statement). And why the fuck he would want to steal Russell Wortley's identity is beyond me.


• Hallina Gillett - for suing a doctor for her own birth. Fuck me, talk about a can of worms. I might sue Dicko's parents for his birth. And the Village People for giving birth to Luke Jarrad. And the Cornes family for on-going in-breeding.


• Lucy Cornes - for another great article in the Sunday Mail. This time for suggesting that football is not about winning. Fuck off, idiot. Although, I guess it makes perfect sense given that she's married to a weak cunt who started at Glenelg and went on to play for Port Power.


• Ashton Kutcher - for being described as a "diva" by his new castmates on Two and Half Fuckwits. I'd say wanker is more accurate.


• Anthony Kurt Power - indecently filmed kids at a Christian Fellowship camp and on church premises. His lawyer says he shouldn't be given any jail time to allow for his rehabilitation. How's this for an idea, take him to the edge of a cliff and chuck him off, if he survives he goes to jail, if he carks it he's considered rehabilitated.


• Isobel Redmond - ya look like a wharfie as it is, now ya go and get an Ellen Degeneres haircut. Definitely not relying on presentation to get a vote, or policies for that matter, just consider yourself lucky, if Penny Wong was a state MP you'd get her crossing the floor for a sniff.


• Jason Daniel Smout - threw a molotov cocktail on a semi-rural road at Paracombe in 2009 in the middle of summer, but said in court he didn't think it was a fire risk. He has however pleaded guilty to one count of attempting to start a bushfire. So you are saying it was a fire risk then aren't you ya fucken einstein. Tell ya what how about we take you up to the hills and let you say that bullshit to some of the residents who went through Ash Wednesday, you wouldn't be under threat of a fire, more like under threat of a fucking 4x2 to the head.


• The Virginian bloke who goes to shopping malls and slashes women's arses with a razor/boxcutter - you sick bastard, with the size of the fatties that shop in US shopping malls it's be like cutting into a 130kg pimple.


• Brazilian savoury meatball manufacturers - left a condom in one can, which a woman discovered after consuming the lot. Here's a question to get ya thinking, was it used? And it gives new meaning to getting a "Brazilian".


• Mia Freedman - former editor of some fucken women's mag - Cleo, Cosmo, Zoo,Penthouse, one of those fuckers - and current 'social commentator' had this to say about Cadel Evans winning the Tour de France - "I just don't get it. He's a man paid a lot of money to ride a bike". Stick to writing about why libra fleur are better than tampax and why shaving your fucken eyebrows increases your chance of getting ahead in the corporate world cause you know sweet fuck all about anything else. It was a huge performance, it took guts and determination, enjoyed by many male and female watchers alike, better than anything you've fucken achieved ya stupid mole. She also made the comment that he doesn't live in Oz any more, neither does fucking Tina Arena but you were happy she sung the Aussie anthem at the end of the race.


• Ian Bell - ran himself out by wandering off like a pisshead after a skinful whilst not making sure the umpire had called time, then had a giant fucken sook when he was given out. Learn the rules cunt.


• The Indian Cricket team - decided during the tea break to recall Bell-end. Fuck that, he was the dumbfuck, the weak pricks rolled over like Melbourne against the Cats.


• The Indian Cricket team - for allowing the Poms to take the top spot in the world Test rankings. Thanks for nothing, you currymunching fuckwits. And you reckon Aussies are dumb.


• Fat cyclists who wear lycra - why? If you're a fat cunt, lycra is the last thing you should be wearing, try a fucken tarp, the rest of the world shouldn't be forced to be subjected to the sight of an orca stuffed into a sock. Are you listening Bernie?


• The United States of America - the land of the bankrupt, and the home of the fuckwit. Fair dinkum these cunts are less likely to balance their books than Pixie fucken Skase.


• The 28 yr old NZ woman who was on a yacht in Europe copping a length from a bloke on the bathroom sink when the sink collapsed and broke, she fell and severed her hand - fucken kiwis, stick to rooting in paddocks with the dulcet tones of randy merinos serenading you. Do ya reckon the bloke kept going till he finished?


• The 3 Vietnamese blokes who were cutting up a Vietnam War era artillery shell for scrap when it exploded, killing them all - the coroner gave up trying to find all the bits of them claiming there were more fucking holes in them than a Melbourne backline.


• The Cambodian family who tried to accelerate the burning of a deceased family members coffin by pouring petrol on it, thereby causing an explosion which killed an 8yr old girl - what's the fucken rush, it's not as if granny had an appointment she had to get to. Why is it kids seem to be the ones to suffer from adult fucken stupidity.


• Brett Ratten - quote a regular reader - "Brett Ratten, what a dickhead. Going on about money in footy and wah wah bout Davis leaving the cows. He's got a cunt called Judd on some reasonable coin at present and Carlton got done for salary cap breaches. For fucksake ya jug-eared black pot cunt".


• Atsushi Yamagami - Japanese (well fucken duh, yeah I know he's unlikely to be from fucken Iceland is he) pleaded guilty after getting caught trying to smuggle 55 live tortoises and turtles into the US under his clothing. Hehehe ya dumbfuck, how did this cunt think he was going to get away with that, not even yanks are that fucken dumb. Maybe. Imagine him going through the body screen - " ah sir it would appear you have concealed something on your body", "oh, no me just got very bad case of genital warts".


• US religious groups - are enraged because all yank women can now get birth control for free. Enraged, I'm fucking delighted, the less two-toed, three-headed little fucken Cletus' in the world the better.


• Phil Davis - on his defection to GWS - "Football is the main thing". hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahah, yeah cunt and the wrestling on tv is fucken fair dinkum too.


• Adelaide Crows - for trying to re-sign Bernie Vince. Just leave the cunt out on the curb on Sunday night, the garbos will chuck him in the back of the truck on Monday morning.


• Meatloaf - for collapsing on stage. Or was that Meatloaf collapses stage?


• Fabian Francis - weak cunt. Obviously, he was harder at it off the field than on it.


• Adrian Anderson - for still denying Melbourne tanked to get draft picks despite Dean Bailey's admission that they did. I bet he tries to deny that Julia Gillard is a fuckwit too.


• Adrian Anderson - he really is just a massive cockhead.


• Adrian Anderson - see previous entry.


• Sturt - they have announced that they will stick with Luke Norman for another year. Hahahaha. That is fucking fantastic news for the rest of the SANFL clubs!


• Kevin Rudd - for recovering from heart surgery. His surgeon hasn't recovered though - he's still in shock after finding that Krudd actually had a heart.


• Hamish Blake - for calling his crap show, "The People's Show". Yeah, the sort of people who's fucking knuckles scrape on the ground and call their brother "dad".


• Julia Gillard - for saying that "Mike Rann has always focussed on what's best for South Australia". Fuck off. De-sal plant. Forests in the South East. Mt Barker. St Clair. Cheltenham. TAB. Land taxes. Mikey has always been focussed on what's best for Mikey.


• Chris Staniforth - dumb arse gaming addict who died from Deep Vein Thrombosis after playing computer games for 12 hours a day. Fuck, I'm amazed that Bernie Finnigan didn't get a case of DVT with all the time he spent on the internet.


• Rik Marshall - fucking filthy kiddy-fiddler who has chosen trial by judge rather than by jury. Cunt. He probably expects to get Peter Liddy as his judge.


• Malmesbury, Wiltshire - for being host to the world record number of air guitar players - 2227. Cooincidentally, they also set the record for the most fuckwits in one spot at the same time.


• The report that suggests that human brain power is at its peak - oh, fuck, so we have peaked with Justin Westhoff.


• Shelley von Strunckel - clairvoyant and astrologer. Fuck off, von Fuckwit.


• Chad - for finally deciding to retire. Good fucking riddance. You won't be forgotten, fuckwit, as your name will live on through the illustrious Chad Medal. Your team mates can now stop wearing raincoats whenever you speak.


• Fergie - for admittting that Black Eyed Peas have stupid lyrics. No shit, Sherlock. Try these on for size - "boom boom now, boom boom now, boom boom pow, boom boom pow" or "my hump my hump my hump my humps they got you". Deadset fuckwit songs.


• Marvel Comics - for introducing a new Spiderman who is a half-black, half-hispanic teenager named Miles Morales. 50% black, 50% hispanic and 100% fuckwit.


• Boonie - for advertising Canadian Club. Say it isn't so, Boonie, say it isn't so. Still, I guess it is better than Michael Clarke advertising tampons.


• Heather Mills - for hopping on the sympathy bandwagon (hey, its not like she can actually jump on the bandwagon), and claiming that her phone was also hacked by the News of the World reporters. The reporters are claiming she doesn't have a leg to stand on.


• Richard Handl -the Swedish man caught trying to split the atom (Ka-Boom!) in his kitchen. He said he had tried for months to set up a nuclear reactor at home and kept a blog about his experiments, describing how he created a small meltdown on his stove. More like a massive meltdown in his fucking brain.


• The Bin Ladens - for their proposed kilometre-high tower for Saudi Arabia. Oh, the irony. Saudia Arabia should be the first destination for when Tiger Airways gets back in the air.


• United Waterfowlers of Florida - for protesting against wind towers being built in the Florida everglades because it may result in 300 waterfowls being killed. They want the waterfowls saved so they can shoot the fucking birds themselves - yes, its true, the UWF is a hunting organisation and they are worried that they will have less birds to kill! Fuckwits. Only in America.


• Coventry Magistrates Court - for making a mailman do 200 hours of community service and pay $4,500 for painting over posters of Andy Murray with slogans like "useless jock". I guess he was fined for not being hard enough on Murray - a more apt slogan would have been "fucking useless Scottish soft-cock half-wit choking arsefuck".


• Eddie McGuire - for having a sooky sooky la la over Davis signing with the GWS. Worried about losing Daisy Thomas, Eddie? You didn't kick up a stink when you pinched Darren Jolly from the Swans. I hear the GWS have made an offer for one of your chins.


• Federal Court Magistrates - for claiming the government refusing to pay them an annual pension of $174,000 is unconstitutional. They're taking the case to the federal high court - fuck me, can someone take a wild guess at what the result of that case will be?? Can you imagine Judge Judy voting down herself a hefty pension. Fucking snout's in the trough.


• David Hicks - profits from his book have been frozen by law. Suffer in ya jocks, fuckwit. Did the Taliban offer you a nice pension?


• Lady Gaga - to quote the person nominating her/it - "I heard her on the radio and wanted to puke my guts up". Fair call.