Summer Series - Week 7 Nominees

• Tom Brandit - when asked by The Crapvertiser's street talk whether plain-packaged cigarettes had changed his smoking habits the fuckwit replied " yes, now I smoke more ". Fucken hell how this cunt would still more than likely be on the dole is a fucken mystery to me, the cunt could make millions as a comedian. And by the look of him it's not just ciggies that he smokes, he looks like a fucken cock smoker as well.

• Rachel Beer - had a bitch after she was refused entry into a home-brew competition in Queenstown NZ because the organisers said it was a male only event. Fucken women want to ruin all male pursuits of happiness by sticking their noses in - golf,cricket, now this/ Apparently she was most upset when informed that the beers on offer had a more attractive looking head than hers.

• The SA State Govt - apparently despite having no scruples about butt-fucking the tax payers of this state can't even pay their own bills on time. For fucksake if a government can't pay its bills is it any wonder the average joe is struggling? I'll bet the arseholes don't pay Media Mike Rann his recent ill-gotten Parliamentary retirement slush fund late.

• People who use illegal fireworks - the CFS have said that these dropkicks have caused at least 17 fires in this fire season alone through trying to be Guy Fawkes. If they catch these fuckwits they should let off a penny bunger up their fucken bunger as see if they find it so amusing then.

• Cheng Jin - owner of the news agency in the Central Market that burned down said he had insurance but not for fire. What were you insured for then you fuckwit - rampaging Mongolian hordes? Fucken snow? He must've taken out the "I'm a dopey fucknut" insurance policy.

• Madonna - " I don't think I've ever cooked a meal entirely by myself ". Fuck that's a shock, I thought she would've been a regular Nigella Lawson. I'll bet she's smoked some fucken sausage in her time though.

• Jana Pittman - she's like fucken herpes, you can't get rid of her. Recently got rolled at an athletics meet by some chick who no bastard has heard of but still persists in saying she's in the mix for the London Olympics. Get a grip, just fuck off you attention-seeking slag.

• The 31 year old Austrian woman who was crushed to death by a cow - a holidaying Amanda Vanstone is assisting police with their inquiries.

• Madison Ashton - Dead Visy Board former owner Richard Pratt's slapper lost her appeal to fleece millions from his estate. You can't blame Pratt for looking elsewhere for a bit of action though, have you seen his missus, she's got a head like a half eaten squid.

• Mexican Medics - were transporting a transplant heart via helicopter but when one of the medics got out he stumbled and the plastic wrapped heart tumbled out of their esky and onto the street. The intended recipient was philosophical and was heard to say "I've played a whole career for the WWT Eagles in the number 3 guernsey without one anyway ".

• Mark Wahlberg - declared that if he was on one of the hijacked planes on 9/11 "There would have been a lot of blood in that first class cabin and then me saying ' Ok, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry". What would you have done fuckwit, whacked em over the head with the fake dick you were sporting in Boogie Nights? And you're right, there would've been a lot of blood in the cabin, after they blew your fucking head off. Apparently Wahlberg had booked a ticket on one of the flights that crashed into the twin towers but cancelled the ticket a few days before. Did we know something was going to happen? Can you explain why you changed your name to Ahmed Mohammed on 3/11? Take the cunt down to Guantanamo Bay and fucken find out.

• Richard Bowles - Pommie ex-pat who thinks it's a good idea to run from Healesville Victoria to Queenstown Qld in 5 and a half months. That's 5330km. When asked why the fuck he is doing it he replied "I enjoy running". I enjoy rooting but I don't want to do it for 5 months straight, for one the Adelaide test match is coming up.

• Asure Quality - a company in Wellington NZ ( these fuckups are turning into the next US ) has fired Stephen Thomas, who had worked for them since 1976, for calling his female workmates " fat-arsed bitches ". Good onya Steve tell it like it is, if they've got a fat arse and they're a fucken bitch why should he get in strife for telling the truth. Just like if you work for an MP and he happens to be downloading kiddy porn you should be able to publicly declare he is a filthy piece of shit who should be strung up by his nards. ( On a side note, has anyone seen Bernard Finnigan lately? ). He appealed against the decision and was awarded compensation but wasn't allowed back to his old job, which didn't bother Stephen as he was soon offered a position as Bob Katter's Hillbilly Party spokesman.

• Twinings - have released a Kevin Rudd brewed tea in time for Australia Day. If it's anything like K.Rudd it'll be bitter and give you the shits.

• Indian Cricket - FAAAAAAAARKED. From the rooster to the feather duster, well eat a giant shitburger, even manipulating the ICC as your own personal plaything can't help the fact that against a decent short ball you've got all the spine of a Sturt player under a high ball. Unless of course the cunts ban anyone from pitching balls above waist height. Which they might. Shifty cunts.

• Francesco Schettino - Italian skipper of the cruise ship Costa Concordia who it appears has all the navigation skills of a 16 year old boy trying to find the clitoris. Despite having a GPS in the ship ( and apparently also a skinful of piss ) he still managed to run it into a reef, tearing a gaping hole in the side and killing at least 10 people. On top of this monumental fuckup he then went and completely covered himself himself in glory by performing the Italian national march ( ie. running away with a giant shit trail down your leg ) and abandoning ship at the first opportunity, leaving shitloads of people on the boat. When told by the coast guard to get back on the boat and help he came up with more excuses than Julia Gillard explaining her backflip on the carbon tax as to why he thought he shouldn't. He was also questioned as to why he was on a life raft when people were still in the shit, he responded by saying he tripped and fell into a lifeboat. That's as shit an excuse as the people who try to explain to hospital staff how they got the Sydney Morning Herald stuck up their arse by falling naked onto it in the bathroom.

• MS Dhoni - as useless a skipper as Francesco Schettino. He's also had a bitch about Aussie crowds throwing insults towards Indian fielders in the arvo after they've had a few. Boo fucken hoo, in Australia we throw insults in the afternoon session, in India they throw fucken bricks, hello pot, hello kettle. What a scoundrel.

• Sam Stosur - as one Chad reader put it " She's the Shane Ellen of tennis ". She kicked her 5 goals when winning the US Open, and then as with Ellen, as Sam has gone back to the tried and true - down the shitter.

• The SA Liberal Party - FUCKEN BANG! That my friends is the sound of any remaining credibility for the state Liberals going down the s-bend. And why may you ask, well if I was to tell you that Georgina ' anoerexic pretzel, wife of philandering fweddy, going to have to bury her in a Y-shaped coffin, seen more knobs than a locksmith ' McGuinness has been employed as a speech writer I reckon you've found your answer. Quote a Liberal Party spokesperson - "Georgina brings a wealth of knowledge to the office having been a newsreader for more than 20 years". So she can read a fucken cue-card, still better than Warren Tredrea granted, but fucken woopdy doo, is that really all you need to become a political speechwriter? I can count to ten ( which is 9 more than Stephen Rowe can ), does that mean I can take over from that miserable looking cunt Bill Evans from Westpac? You dumbfucks, the ALP has been gifting you the next election for an eternity, and you go and shoot yourselves in the foot by appointing that tart. Have you learnt nothing from the ALP's ridiculously unsuccessful, but funny, Nicole Cornes experiment, you don't employ dumb wives of ex-Glenelg players. It just doesn't work. What does she bring to the table - crabs? You don't need a scraggy looking scarecrow in your political sphere, you've already got Vickie Chapman. By the looks of Isobel Redmond she likes her ciggies ( the tell-tale sign is the crinkled puckered cats arse lines around her mouth. Have a look next time she does a press conference, and wait for the Liberal rhetoric cat turd plopping out of her gob ), but obviously she's on the strong green stuff if she thinks that's a sage appointment. I know you don't like to announce any of your policies ( presumably because you don't have any ) publicly, do you think Georgie will be able to sugar coat your shit and make it sound like an idea? Isobel, you've fucked up, not just MS Dhoni bad but Francesco Schettino bad. Get ready for this act of stupidity to bite you on your saggy old arse. Fair dinkum how fucken rooted is politics in this state, the ALP are a fucken disgrace and should be hung but the Liberals keep letting em off the hook. And what's the alternative - Bob Such? Go and get fucked.


• An un-named Crows veteran with allegedly the initials MD who allegedly not only thumps his wife, but takes his frustrations out on his pet dogs. What a cunt.


• Serbian tennis fans - fair dinkum, they are retarded in-bred cunts, and those are their redeeming features.


• Acland Street in St Kilda - what a fucking over-rated joint. A couple of cake-shops and the rest of the street crawling with heroin addicts and assorted cunts. Christ, it is on the coast and ya can't even sit down for a feed of fish and chips. No dramas in getting a fix of fucking junk, though.


• Brighton Beach in Melbourne - fair dinkum, another over-rated Melbourne "icon". A cunt of a beach. Sea-fucking-weed, brown sand, brown water and a row of fucking painted sheds. Big fucking deal. Give me the stretch from Aldinga to Sellicks Beach any day - it actually has white sands and clear water.


• Fat, in-bred families lurking the streets of Geelong, Horsham and Nhill - for fucksake, it is like walking onto the set of Nightmare on Elm Street meets the Biggest Loser.


• Kiosk in Eastern Beach in Geelong - for charging $18 for a piece of fish and a serve of chips. Maybe they are trying to discourage the fat in-bred fuckers that beach themselves there from getting any fatter.


• The 12 cheerleaders who woke up with tourette-syndrom-like tics and verbal outbursts - well wouldn't you be swearing like a fucking trooper if you had to cheer on Port Power?


• Khloe Kardashian - apparently OJ Simpson could be her paternal father. OJ won't have to take the usual paternity test, no, he'll just have to submit to the glove test - if the rubber doesn't fit, then Khloe's his kid.


• George Lucas - he's retiring from Hollywood, "disillusioned" with the industry. Thank fucking christ but it's a decade too late, after inflicting fucking Jar Jar Binks on the world.


• Kevin Rudd - for having a new blend of tea released on Australia Day. Fuck off, dickhead, how about doing something really Australian like releasing a new meat pie or beer. Wanker.


• The Wiggles - for bringing back the original Yellow cunt, Greg Page, because the other yellow cunt wanted a bit bigger slice than his existing $200k out of the $28 million the pricks make each year. You dodgy old greedy cunts. Plus, for fucksake, ya cunts are all way too old to be prancing around on stage singing kids songs. Jeff, it is about time you headed down to Acland Street in St Kilda and took something that ensures that you never wake up again.


• Kodak - for filing for bankruptcy. Now that is a Kodak moment.


• Julia Gillard - just because I haven't nominated her for a while.


• Andrew Wilkie - fucking soft-cock has rolled over and compromised on his Pokies's legislation. You cunt. You got voted in for a reason so fucking stick to it. Pathetic.


• Ricky Nixon - for losing his driver's license for 2 months for driving unlicensed. What the fuck? How can he lose his fucking license if he is fucking un-licensed?


• Cunts who wear lycra that shouldn't be - come on fellas, give it a break. Ya look like deadset dickheads.


• Serena Williams's arse - TV does not do it justice. It is fucking massive. I mean, fucking huge.


• Scientologists - how the fuck anyone could get mixed up with this mob of freaks is beyond me. All religion is fucked but this aint even a religion - it is a cult now led by a crap midget actor (Tom Cruise) with supporters including a crap fat actor (John Travolta). Kevin Rudd looks like he could be a Scientologist. Ditto, John Rau.


• Tom Koutsantonis - fair dinkum, he makes Chad Cornes sound like a speech therapist. Fucking hell, we could have saved a couple of billion dollars of tax-payers money in building that fucking white elephant de-sal plant (funny how media reports on that have gone very quiet) and just got Koutsantonis to recite the White Pages once a year. Who voted for this retarded Greek tossbag? He makes George Kapiniaris sound intelligent.


• Jay Weatherill - you are just another Mike Rann in a conga-line of snout-in-the-trough cunts. I don't wanna hear anymore of your smarmy smooth talk - shut the fuck up and do something to get the state out of the shit.