Summer Series - Week 5 Nominees

• Department of Human Services - apparently they have served 192 Departure Prohibition Orders on parents because they have failed to pay child support. If they are really serious about being vigilant on this how is it that Tony McGuinness still manages to get through customs? Nail Fweddy for all the extras he's sired and not taken ownership for and their numbers would double. Imagine the amount of short, lithpy little Fweddy's walking around wondering where dad is, and wondering why it's so hard to order a steak sandwich with sauce without drowning the poor bastard behind the counter.

• KFC - for their fucking fresh test ads. They are shit. And how about getting some current Australian cricketers to advertise your product not useless cunts like Cameron White, David Hussey, Steve Smith and Mitchell Johnson. Cameron White is struggling so badly that he even dropped the fucking chicken wrap.

• Adelaide Street Preachers - after annoying the shit out of people in Rundle Mall these pricks now feel the next to bail people up on trains and spew their rhetoric at them where they can't get away. And the Government are trying to encourage more people to take public transport? Bring back the old Red Hen trains so if you get one of these arseholes dribbling shit at you you can just open up the door whilst it's moving and kick the dickhead out. What is it with Christians? They are supposed to forgive and forget. But they are the biggest cunts in the world. Catholics, Anglicans, Baptists, Mormons, fuck, if they are not trying to tell us what to fucking think and say and watch or listen to then they are a busy molesting kids. How about we evoke Ezekial 25 17 from Pulp Fiction and do a Samuel L. Jackson and blow the fuckers away.

• RAA - "Rest easy knowing you're covered no matter where you are 24/7". That is of course unless you are stranded outside Roxby Downs on a dirt road and they feel they may damage their vehicle getting to you, in which case, tough shit you're on your own.

• Parents of kids getting burnt by 2min noodles - apparently the Womens and Childrens Hospital is getting a kid a week admitted with burns from 2min noodles. Hmmm, let's see, the ingredients are the noodles and....... BOILING FUCKING WATER! Geez who would've thought that could cause a problem. I'm not a doctor but I would have thought an easy way to prevent such events occurring is to let it cool down before serving, fuck me there's an idea. For fucksake, parents who allow their kids to be burnt by fucking noodles need to have Ezekial 25 17 evoked.

• Jamie Oliver - after spending the last few years telling people to eat healthier,the bloated cow tongued cunt has had his 30min meals book slammed for the amount of recipes it has that are about as healthy as gnawing on a stick of lard. Luvly jubbly, my arse, you porky pommy fuckwit.

• Cameron Borgas - had a 'ramp shot clinic' in the Sunday Mail. How about you concentrate on getting some shield runs after numerous years of failure. I reckon we should hold a "deadset fuckwit clinic" for Cam and talk through how he has been a consistent non-perfomer in a team that has done less than sweet fuck all for over a decade. Deadshit.

• Aussie blokes too scared to donate sperm - an IVF rep said there was only 2 or 3 blokes who gave up the baby gravy last year, causing Aussie women to import spoof from the US. Just go to Canberra for christsake, you have Federal Parliament and the largest porn warehouse in the southern hemisphere, there would be wankers fucken galore there. What the fuck is going on with blokes these days - wanking used to be a national past-time. Just ask Kevin Foley, Mike Rann, John Rau and Fat Pat Conlon - these blokes are constantly on the fucking stroke.

• The Southern Suburbs fish and chip employee who put caustic soda on chips instead of salt - hehe fucken dickhead, you'd like to think they would put the two things in separate looking containers, no use in putting the names of the ingredients on the containers, Adam Cockshell can't read. Still, it is better than the fucking "tartare" sauce that the shop serves up - the IVF would be fucking happy.



• The dickhead who ended up in hospital after eating the caustic soda laced chips - apparently Ron Fuller isn't happy. He was even less happy when they forgot to add in their famous tartare sauce.

• People who think Michael Clarke is fucken God because he scored 300 - yes he did fucken well, but it was a flat deck against an opposition who were more concerned with trying to sell mobile phone plans to the crowd than bowling and fielding. It's one dig and everyone is now willing to forget all the fuckups he'd had. Some cunts have memories like fucken goldfish. And don't forget that no cunt wanted to sponsor the tosser's bat either. Let's face it, not even his own team-mates like him. His own dad doesn't like him.

• The Vodaphone Viewers Minda Fucken Pollsters - got a choice of 3 digs - Clarke's 329no, Lara's 277 or Steve Waugh's four off the last ball of the day ton - as the best seen as the best at the SCG. And two thirds picked Clarke. It's nice to know Lara Bingle still has the time and dexterity to vote whilst copping a pounding from blokes she's picked up at the Redfern bus stop.



• Alan Border - for hosting Foxtel's new excrement of a show, Cricket Superstar. Come on, AB, surely you don't need the money? Some of the contestants include Graeme Wood, Andrew Sincock, Sam Parkinson, Joe the camera man, and Hansie Cronje.



• Kevin Foley - going straight into a role as a Government lobbyist. You fucking dog. Well, since you are lobbying the government, can you go into bat for me, and tell Jay Weatherill to cut stamp duty, stop people getting fined $150 for jaywalking, stick the fucking de-sal plant up ya arse, not to build a hospital on a toxic waste dump, and arrange a public execution for Eugene McGee. You are a cunt, Foley.



• Brad Haddin - fuck off. You're glovework is worse than Michael Jackson's.



• Sarah Burge - the 51 year-old UK woman who gave her 7 year-old daughter a $10,000 liposuction voucher. Ok, I can understand if the daughter was Amanda Vanstone but for fucksake, what is the world coming too - how about stop feeding ya kid bacon and chip sandwhiches.



• Nickelback - finally the world is waking up to the fact that they are evil. Black Keys drummer, Pat Carney, has been quoted as saying Nickelback is responsible for the death of rock n roll. Here, fucking, here. I have pitched a new show to Channel 10 whereby Chad Kroeger is released and a group of contestants hunt down and kill him. Once that job is completed, Lady Gaga is then released and the same fate awaits her. Episode 3 stars Amy Winehouse. Oh, wait, that job has already been completed.



• The US Navy Seal who accidentally shot himself trying to impress a woman - is that how they got Bin Laden, some redneck US commando was trying to get a root and the bird says to him, "I''ll root ya if ya get get Osama, baby."



• Mitt Romney - what sort of name is Mitt? The next fucking President of the Universe is going to be a fucking baseball glove.



• The US - for taking 12 months to select a Republican candidate. Who gives a shit. They are all just a bunch of fuckers who will start another fucking war against a nation that they have supplied with antique fucking weapons. Fair dinkum. It is all bullshit, this US election process.



• Heinz - for closing down a Victorian sauce factory and moving it New Zealand. For fucksake, New Zealanders can't even pronounce "sauce" let alone make it.



• ABC Grandstand - for employing former NZ medium-pace "bowler", Danny Morrison, as a commentator. If I want to listen to a fucking retard commentate on cricket I'll give Scosa a call.



• Chinese restaurants in Canberra - apparently their mushroom meals are to die for.



• State Government - can someone fucking explain why they are selling the state's forests? Has someone got a finger in the pie? It stinks. Come on, Jay, I dare you to grow some balls and do something about it.



• Federal Government - for trying to brand Anzac Day. Fuck off, Julia. This is a sacred day so keep ya big fucking nose out of it. We don't need one of your stupid fucking slogans.



• Ethan Bedford - little fucker from Seaview Downs who named Michael Clarke as his all-time favourite cricketer in the Tiser. You little shit, you'll get a visit from Peter Liddy if you keep that bullshit up.



• Steve Besagni - for naming Graham Gooch as his favourite all-time cricketer. Dickhead, the question was favourite cricketer, not hairpiece.



• Father Tony Kennedy - the Tasmanian Catholic priest has called for Woolworths to remove the crosses from their hot-cross buns. Let's make a deal, fuckwit, if the Catholic Church hangs all the priests that have molested kids, then Woolies will remove the crosses.



• The 18,717 people who bought a Mitsubishi Lancer in 2011. Why, for fucksake? It is a piece of crap.



• Millsy - quite ironic that he's hosting Young Talent Time when a) he is not young b) he has no talent and c) the only time he is known for is the time he shagged serial slut Paris Hilton.



• Kiyoshi Kimura - for paying $715,000 for a bluefin tuna. For fucksake, you idiot, ya can pick up a tin of SAFCOL tuna for under $3.



• Randall Putz - for advertising the Adelaide Trader. For fucksake, who would listen to a bloke who's last name is "Putz"?


• Australian fast-bowlers - they breakdown more regularly than a Leyland P76. Harris, Cummins, Johnson, Bollinger, and now fucking Pattinson. It is about time these cunts stopped training and did what Merv and Warnie did and spend less time in the gym and more at the local pub and fast food joint.