Week 34 nominations

• Woodville West Torrens coach, Michael Godden - during last week he was banging on about how the Eagles could have beaten Centrals in last year's GF had they beaten in Norwood in last year's preliminary final. Newsflash, Godden - ya lost, so shut ya cakehole. The only thing you beat when it counted last year was ya fucken meat. He then went on to say that the Eagles had been waiting 12 months to avenge their loss to Norwood. Newsflash, Godden - ya got belted by 10 goals by the mighty Redlegs. Maybe just maybe you should have spent less time opening ya gob and more on getting ya soft-cock team to play some decent football.



• Luke Jarrad - pooed his pants right in front of Laurie Holden and friends when he was stupid enough to try to evade a Norwood tackle. I suspect that the ABC may have had to censor the comments that were delivered by L Holden and friends.



• Glenelg - once again proved they are a bunch of fucking pillow-biters. Their finals record from their last 11 appearances stands at 2-9, including 6 straight losses. Comedy gold!



• Scott Barrowman - regular contributor to the Chadvertiser letters to the editor. Generally, he is full of shit and his latest drivel was no exception, this time fully supporting the ABC's plans to cease covering the SANFL. Barrowmen said, "I have no interest in a pack of yobbos belting the hell out of each other for possession of a piece of pigskin and calling it sport." It's called Aussie Rules, fuckface, the greatest game on earth. You stick to Tuesday Night Book Club and the Collectors. Or whatever else boring turds like Barrowman watch on telly.



• Ottey - deadshit contributor to the Chadvertiser letters to the editor who wrote this in relation to the ABC wanting to stop broadcasting the SANFL, "It's football so who cares really". Fuck off, idiot.



• Travis Boak - admitted that Tony McGuiness has been his mentor this year, offering him a stack of advice. Like the fuck what? How to quickly disappear overseas when a bikie discovers you have been rooting his wife and wants to punch your fucking lights out?



• Brad Moran - reckons that football had been getting in the way of his business. How could that fucking be, Brad, ya did sweet fuck all on the footy field? Tosser.



• Cathy Jayne Pearce - the porker has been up to her old tricks, and I don't mean walking around with a feedbag permanently around her neck. The police are once again investigating her dodgy business dealings. Cathy stated, "my criminal record is immaculate". So is ya fat guts and 16 chins.



• Julia Gillard - has undergone image training. Fucking hell, whoever you paid for the training should re-fund the fees because, Julia, fair dinkum, your image as a frumpy, big-nosed ranga, with a fat arse, annoying fucking voice, dumb hand gestures and no policies remains firmly intact.



• Alan John Miller - reckons he is Jesus Christ and has set-up shop in Queensland to attract Rocco Leo's lost sheep. Alan, you are not the messiah, you are just a naughty boy. And a bloody fuckwit.



• Lucy Cornes - for wearing a pair of pants to the Port best and fairest awards that were last seen on Liberace.



• Grace Portolesi - reckons she looks like Sophia Loren. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha. Ah....what a rib-tickler. Hahahaha hahahaha hahahahaha. Now that I've stopped laughing, she also gets nominated for getting her snout in the trough. She's the Aboriginal Affairs Minister but has snaffled herself a nice tax-payers funded trip to Italy. Maybe she is visiting her lookalike, Sophia Loren. Hahahaha hahahahaha.



• The DPP - for not challenging the "sentence" handed to Malcolm Fox. That is, in the immortal words of Kevin Foley, bullshit. Mem, I want you to write a new book about this - the story of Mal the Brush-Tailed Fox who got caught playing with young foxes but somehow avoided punishment.



• Mathew Jaensch - his jaw ran into someone's fist by mistake. This prick gets more contested possessions off the field than on.



• Angelo Mathews - for ensuring that there was no result in the third and final test between Australia and Sri Lanka by being a selfish cunt and crawling to his maiden test century. Good move, dickhead - Australia leads the series 1-0 and you put yourself ahead of the team.



• The Haka - fucking every cunt is doing it these days. It is about as effective as doing the hokey pokey these days . Maybe Australia should try doing that, look what it did to Mary Jo Fisher, turned her fucking loopy.



• John Mayer - the cunt has nodules on his throat so he may not be able to sing again. And the problem is??



• Tasmanians - most support gay marriage. Most also support marrying their brothers, sisters and cousins too.



• The Philippines - for seizing record amounts of fake goods. How come Julia Gillard escaped the net?



• Jamie Oliver - has written to the UN in the hope they will put pressure on governments to help end the world obesity crisis. I'm sure the people of Somalia and Sudan will be fucken rapt with that initiative, you fucknut. He shits me this cunt, he looks and sounds like a cow with a fucken bloated tongue trying to talk, he's a hypocritical fat bastard trying to encourage others to eat healthy, and again, he's just a cunt - seriously fuck off. You know what show I'd like to see - Jamie Oliver's going over a fucking cliff.



• Vickie Chapman - has illuminated us with tales of her childhood like how she used to sell pigs when she was 10. Were they showing you up in the looks stakes and you had to get rid of the competition Vickie? Talk about Chapman's Fritz.



• Lucy Cornes - said she was going to run the City to Bay and raise money for a kids charity but pulled out, citing a sore knee. More like she was too fucking embarrassed to be seen in public after wearing Liberace's dacks. If only Graham's dad had pulled out when on top of his missus we would've been saved the pain of the Cornes saga altogether.



• The Heart Foundation - are removing their tick from McDonalds food. Why the fuck was it there in the first place, you're trying to tell me the processed McTurds they produce are good for your McHeart? The truth is revealed when you find out McDonalds have been paying $300,000 a year to have the McHeart Foundation tick on their gear, which according to the foundation is under a licensing agreement described as "cost recovery". Fucken cost recovery, it's fucken McShonky fraudulent use of a brand name that is supposed to be associated with promoting health and wellbeing. I suppose no more shonky than calling Port Adelaide a football club, or Michelangelo Rucci a human. McFuckwits.



• McDonalds - "We have valued the collaboration with the Heart Foundation". The Nazis valued the collaboration of the Vichy Government in WW2 as well you cunts, and you know what happened to those cunts when they came runner-up, FUCKEN BANG.



• Wayne Swan - won Euromoney Finance Minister of the Year after defeating contenders representing the Krauts, the Frogs, the Poms, and the Yanks. And aren't those economies going just fucken dandy. Fair Dinkum, the cunt from Zimbabwe would've knocked off those pricks. Bravo Wayne, what a shitty competition, it's as prestigious a victory as winning Sturt's B&F this year, or Glenelg's player of the finals for any year. My vote was for Greece's Finance Minister - how embarrassment, can't wait for the new version of Wogs Out of Work.



• The Melbourne woman who got pinched DUI by the police at 8:45am whilst driving her kid to school - at least it gives her kid something to display at show and tell, he can present mum's loss of licence letter and tell the other kids it's because she smells like the fucken Smirnoff factory.



• Daniel Patrick "Eddie" Betts - got the shits up whilst playing a bad round of golf, chucked his club, and hit his mate in the head, causing serious injuries. And just to rub salt in the wound he has been given a 2 year jail term for it. How are ya feeling, Dan, a bit below par? Do ya reckon he'll be back on the driving range when he gets out?



• ABC - want to can the SANFL coverage but deem it fine to screen shit like 'At Home with Julia '. What fucken ganga are these cunts smoking in their meetings when they make these decisions. I can't wait for "At Home With Bernie Finnigan" or "Foley's Greatest Hits".



• Jamie Durie - from Backyard Blitz to Hungry Jacks drive thru blitz. Have you seen the cunt these days, he's inflating like the Hindenberg. Wouldn't it be funny if the fat pudger ended up the same way, he lights a bacon double cheeseburger deluxe meal (large of course) fart and explodes. Then ya see Scott Cam jumping off the cunt (and probably onto another shit renno show) whilst Shelly Craft screams "oh the humanity", and then screens it on Funniest Home Videos the next week.



• The FOX Network - have given that fucken gnome Rove McManus his own show. At least the cunt is in America, for fucksake someone stitch him up for a crime (murdering tv would be a good start) so he gets refused entry back here.



• Mainland Extra Tasty Cheese - have had to recall their product after some metal was found in a pack. In their defence it does say 'Extra' in the name doesn't it?



• Brenton Sanderson - had the chance to send Mark Bickley back to Ch9 weekend news and didn't take it. Fuckwit. That was ya second fuck-up in 24 hours, the first being to accept the position as Stephen Trigg's butt boy. And if you want to get those cunts playing physical footy you'd better give Bernie Vince his fucken pink slip now.



• The Aussie Tourism and Transport Forum - have proposed the tax for exiting Oz at the airport be halved for Kiwis. Ya not going far enough, make it free for the sheep defilers to leave, but make the entrance fee $10,000. And that's fucken Australian dollars, not the ones with a picture of a merino on one side and Ewen Chatfield on the other.



• SANFL umpires - any devotee of the local game would have to agree the standards of these pricks have taken a bigger nosedive than Julia Gillard (pardon the pun) in the newspolls this year, but their decision to giftwrap a Magarey Medal to North Adelaide seagull James Allan is a fucken blight on the game. The fact that a softcock wide receiver like Allan won again proves how little some of these cunts actually watch the football. How the fuck can you're team get soundly beaten in 4 games but you walk away with 12 votes?? Do you realise that this prick now sits level on medals with a true great like Barry Robran, the very thought of it makes me want to fucken spew.



• Michelle Marie Cheatham - Missouri mum for allowing her 5 year-old son to take her crack pipe and crystal meth in for show and tell. Children were asked to bring in "pictures of their family for show and tell" but the boy was spotted unpacking the drugs and pipe in a school hallway, no doubt from his school boogie board bag. Cheatham blamed Qantas baggage handlers.



• Australian androgynous model Andrej Pejic - for starving himself in order to model women's clothes on the catwalk. No need to starve yourself to do that, Andrej, you could just grab a Sturt or Woodville West Torrens guernsey.



• Roley Poley Foley - has done something extremely rare and apologised to a magistrate for interrupting the sentencing of his well justfied "attacker" with two loud vulgar outbursts.
  In the Adelaide Magistrates Court today, Mr Foley lost his composure and yelled "bullshit" twice in response to claims he harrassed a young woman in the minutes before he was assaulted last November. Bullshit, alright - funny how the witness who was gonna testify against you suddenly now has amnesia. Bullshit!



• Roley Poley Foley - for getting caught on camera walking into a fist. Absolute fucking gold!! Take a bow, Kevvy, that was outstanding!



• Daryl Somers - for looking to bring Hey Hey It's Fuckwitday back again. Fuck off, Daryl, and take Fucka Duck with you.



• Tim Nielsen - for quitting as Australian cricket coach because he was not happy he had to re-apply for his job, claiming he feels like he has been "kicked in the guts". Now you know Australian cricket followers have felt watching the crap the team you coached served up in recent years. St Kilda is looking for a coach, you would be a good fit at the turd of a club.



• Redbacks - for signing Nielsen as its High Performance Manager. For fucksake. That is like Danny Green signing Kevin Foley as his boxing coach, "Danny, this is how not to avoid a punch."


• St Kilda - the cunts couldn't even attract Tim Nielsen. Their coaching shortlist includes Jeff Giescen, Wayne Brittain, Bernie Quinlan, Robert Shaw, Gerard Neesham, Matty Knights, Tim Watson, Terry Wallace, Tony Shaw, Graham Cornes, and Matty Primus (well, he may as well apply now, because he'll be sacked by round 6 next season).



• Hayley Roberts - for twice turning down marriage proposals from David Hasselhoff. Come on, Hayley, don't hassle the Hoff!



• Shari-Lea Hitchcock - golddigger and Richard Pratt's ex-root has changed her surname by deedpoll to Suckscock.



• (C)Rapper, 50 Cent - for getting sued after one of his employees allegedly assaulted woman at his home. The prick should also be sued for inflicting his crap rap music on the world.



• Suzy Quatro - for fucksake, it is high time you canned the can and put those leather dacks away. Your arse has got nowhere to hide in those pants, luv.



• Shane Warne - no other reason this week other than he still looks like a fucking tool and denies he has had any work done. Bring back the winnie blues and toasted cheese sangas - we want the fat Warnie back.



• Liverpool supporters - the cunts keep giving Arsenal shit. Ok, so Arsenal are playing like a pack of arseholes but take a look in ya own backyard ya fucking scouse gits - you were awfully quiet after ya 4 zip loss to Tottenham.



• Arsenal Supporters - they're team is playing like their supporters, a pack of useless cunts. Take a look in your own backyard, a pissed Tony Adams just crashed through your back fence.



• Liverpool supporters - see Arsenal supporters and replace Tony Adams with any deadshit who hasn't won a Premier League title since fuck knows when.



• Clowns who run the city to bay - I'm specifically talking about The Chad Editor and B2. For fucksake, why would you two inflict that level of pain upon ya selves? If you wanted pain why not just barrack for Port Adelaide.



• Meatloaf - for contemplating living in Adelaide. For fucksake, we've already got talentless fat bastard here - Fat Pat Conlon. Perhaps we can do a swap - America can take Pat and we'll take Meat. With any luck, he'll drop dead stepping off the plane at Adelaide airport.



• AFL clubs - for chasing Neil Craig. I guess there is a shortage of stubborn, squeaky voiced cunts who over complicate the game.



• Julia Gillard - you silly fuckwit. It is no good trying to deflect the blame of your complete and utter fuck-up with the "Malaysian Solution" on to Tony Abbott. Noone is listening, Julia. The clock is ticking. Let's hope the faceless fucks of Labor are dumb enough to bring back Krudd.



• Kevin Rudd - talk about a massive case of FIGJAM.



• Khemmikka Na Songkhla - for spruiking a new, surgery-free solution in Thailand to beef up women's busts — breast-slapping. Tim Mathieson must have used a similar technique on Julia to beef up her big fat arse - the arse-slapping has worked a treat.



• Louie - the pig that thinks he's a dog. And then there is Kevin, the pig that think's he's a boxer. And Julia, the pig that thinks she's Prime Minister. And Media Mike, the pig that thinks he's god. And Rove, the pig that thinks he's funny. And Fev, the pig that thinks he's going to play AFL again. And Malcolm, the pig that thinks he's innocent but won't appeal his guilty verdict because he's fucking guilty.



• NZ rugby fans - for spitting on Australian fans. Rugby World Cup chief Martin Snedden described New Zealanders' treatment of Australian fans as "disappointing". I thought Llamas were spitters, not sheep.



• Martin Snedden - what the fuck is a bloody crap cricketer - and boy was he shit, the cunt made Sam Parkinson look dangerous - doing running the Rugby World Cup? I assume Ewan Chatfield wasn't available.



• Matthew Westhoff - finally given the arse by Port. Obviously, the in-bred hillbilly experiment was not as successful as the Irish experiment.



• John Hill - for apologising for the severely over-crowded hospitals in Adelaide. Don't fucking apologise, fuckwit - do something to fix it. "I am", he says. Yeah, like closing down Keith Hospital and Blackwood Hospital but spending millions building a fucking film studio on the site of a mental hospital that didn't have a cent spent on it for years and then spending $68,000 on a fucking party to open the studio which amazingly cooincides with Media Mike's farewell. Cunts. Bash it up ya arse.



• William Shatner - for saying that Star Trek is better than Star Wars. He also went on to say that TJ Hooker was better than Starsky and Hutch, which is just plain fucking ridiculous.