Week 32 Nominations

• Port Power supporters - went off like a frog in a fucken sock after beating Melbourne. Yeah fantastic, you finished 16th, and you narrowly beat a shithouse team with nothing to play for, you must be so proud you fuckwits. And still only 29,000 of the cunts turned up which means they just broke even on the game. And while we're at it, what was with the fuckheads wearing Port Magpies jumpers, they played against the Bays the day before, cunts.


• Mark Bickley - after getting appointed interim coach of the Cows Bickley made the comment "it will not be an indictment on the players if they play really well". Well you were safe on Saturday night against West Coast, the fuckarses were as useful as a Kane Cornes skills clinic. Back to reading sport on the weekends cunt.


• Tom Matthews - won a class clown competition at the recent Melbourne International Comedy Festival and has been compared to a young Charlie Pickering. Which means he's not fucken funny.


• South Australian Councils - plan to charge personal training groups for using public parks, gardens, and reserves. You stingy pricks, how about concentrating on enforcing the regulations you have in already before fucking people over for more coin, for instance dog registrations and leash laws, I've lost count of the amount of times I've seen Anne Moran walking round with no tag or leash on, and shitting on the footpath.


• Keith Thomas - former Norwood stalwart has sold his soul by joining Port Power as chief executive. Money ain't everything Keith, no matter how hard you wash the filth won't come off now ya fucken traitor. Apparently Keith tried to get them to take on brother Greg as well but were refused as Port already has already exceeded their quota of dumbfuck brothers at the club.


• Keith Thomas - had the chance to fuck Kane Cornes off but overruled Matthew Primus and told the dribbling sheepdog he was required at the club for the remainder of his contract. As fucken what, a sprinkler for Alberton?


• Adelaide Crows - gave their supporters something to look forward to in 2012 with another spineless display against West Coast. Apparently John Worsfold was overheard saying it was the worst pumping he'd seen since former Eagle Ben Cousins' last trip to the emergency room.


• Rebekah Devlin - wants to ban Mad Monday for footy players. Go and get fucked, Mad Monday is a tradition of the game, as much a part of the game as the drop punt, the coat hanger, or the squirrel grip. What's wrong with teammates getting together, writing themselves off, pissing on a police station wall, spewing up a souvlaki on someone's front lawn and doing a runner from a taxi at 3am after their season has finished, it's just a regular weekend for fucken NRL players.


• Catherine Howard - pommie tourist who did a naked pole dance on a busy street in Cairns, has now claimed her privacy was invaded because a nearby neighbour took video of her making a complete arse of herself because he was sick of the racket coming from the nearby hostel she was staying at and wanted to provide the police with evidence, after making a copy for his ' private collection '. What a fucken mole, your privacy was invaded was it, what about the poor fucken pole that was left smelling like an expired can of tuna.


• Fatties from The Biggest Loser who are fucken elephants again - some of them have blamed the show for abandoning them after production finished and not supporting them in the outside world, and that's why they cast a shadow bigger than a fucken Boeing. So it has nothing to do with the fact you have no fucken willpower and can't make the choice between eating a fruit salad or a fucken Jack's Pack from Hungry Jacks is it. Get a grip you lardarses ( and not onto a rack of lamb ), you shouldn't need someone to sit by your side and have to tell you " I don't think it's a good idea for you to eat those five roast pigs ". Fucken pissweak excuses, they must be Port supporters, I'm surprised they haven't blamed the SANFL for it.


• Bernard Finnigan - hello. where are you? If you happen to see Bernard about let Laurie Holden or The Editor know and we'll put it up.


• Bernard Finnigan - has apparently been seen at an auction of all the old A&R Computer stock buying up big on hard drives.


• Kevin Foley - so you're quitting are you, bout fucken time you sleazy old prick. I'm sure they'll miss you in your electorate, the 20 - 30 yr old females especially. I'm sure the one's you tried to 'converse with' last weekend down near Semaphore will be especially chuffed. Just two questions Kev 1) Why wouldn't you let them know your surname (which they already knew anyway) when introducing yourself and 2) Why did you get a bit snaky when some of them started taking pictures of you? Got something to hide cunt?


• Roley Poley Foley - now that he's quit he wants to be "an ordinary citizen". Yeah, instead of a complete fuckwit who gets his lights punched out on a regular basis. Au revior, shithead.


• Kym Dillon - for saying that "Mark Bickley is a model citizen". Check with his ex-wife on that point, Kymbo.


• Kym Dillon - for another dumb statement, "Neil Craig is a world-class coach". Let's check the facts, Kymbo - zero flags in his two coaching gigs at Norwood and the Crows. And when involved in cycling, completely fucked up Shane Kelly's chance of a gold medal. He's a world-class cockhead.


• Sean Edwards - yet another pollie with his snout in the trough. Hey, fuckwit, we pay you to do a job, not to ferry ya family around from restaurant to restaurant. A job on the Burnside Council awaits you, ya dodgy prick.


• Daniel Jackson - for ensuring that North Melbourne would defeat Richmond. Are you ever gonna learn, Daniel, ya dumb ranga?? In the last quarter, the dickwad gave away two stupid free kicks (a coat-hanger and a blatant push in the back) that directly resulted in North Melbourne goals. Then to top it off, he had a chance to partially redeem himself when he took a mark (one that was actually meant for Dustin Martin) in front of goal but missed.


• Dane Swan - when asked for a comment about the Collywobbles 96 point thrashing to Geelong he said, "we wanted to lose by 100". I was hoping the same thing too, Dane, ya feral fuckwit. Get a tattoo "fuckwit" on ya forehead.


• Harry the Chihuahua - the little fucking runt is back at the Royal Show. For fucksake, can someone fucking finish the job this year and ensure he ends up in a fucking dim sim. By the looks of his owner, I reckon she breeds Chihuahuas to eat, and this is not the real Harry but an imposter, as she polished the real Harry off for last year's Christmas dinner.


• Norwood - for a fucking shithouse display against a depleted Dogs outfit (the Dogs were so under-manned that Harry the fucking Chihuahua lined up in a forward pocket). And for continuing to select Dean Terlich - for fucksake, he takes short steps when going for the ball.


• Warnie - according to Liz Hurley, the reason he now looks like Virgil from the Thunderbirds is that he's been using her beauty products. Yeah, he's been getting stuck into Liz's cache of botox every fucking morning by the looks.


• Victorian pidgeons - for getting the flu. It's all Bill Lawry's fault - time for Wendy to get a bullet, Phanto.


• The 14 year-old skateboarder who was holding on to his mother's car as she towed him along a road in Sydney's south - the dumbfuck was taken to hospital after falling off. According to reports the fucking imbecile was taken to St George Hospital for facial bruising, lacerations and soft tissue damage. Doctors also found brain damage but said it was not caused by the fall.


• The Gang of 49 - for fucksake. Get them all to do some grafitti on a ledge on the Southern Expressway.


• Monsignor Cappo - on the gang of 49, "there are answers". Yep, it's called a bullet. You will be perfectly suited to Cuntberra, Monsignor.


• Harbor - the black-and-tan coonhound from Boulder, Colorado who was awarded the 2012 Guinness World Records title for the "longest ears on a living dog." Harbor just beat out Tony Abbott and James Hird for the title. Julia Gillard is a shoe-in for the "biggest nose on a fucking shithouse living-but-soon-to-be-gone Prime Minister."


• The Scientists who have discovered that laziness is all in the genes - the pecker-heads studied the three laziest pricks on earth - Robbie Gray, Alipate Carlisle and Troy Chaplin - and discovered all three cunts wear Levis.


• Phil Broughton - the 50 year-old Kiwi who indecently assaulted a woman in a public library in New Brighton, a suburb in the South Island city of Christchurch. Broughton, who has a long history of indecent behavior and drunk driving, had denied the incident happened and claimed that he had been in the library "looking for books of scientific interest," but was found guilty of indecent assault. "Scientific interest"? Is that what you call sheep porn, Phil? Judge Stephen Erber, who described the incident as "disgusting, bizarre, and humiliating for the victim," said she was looking for a book in the parenting section when she felt something pressing on her bottom. She found Broughton on his knees with his face pressed into her bottom. "He made no attempt to move, or apologize, and nothing was said," the judge said. I'm sure the cunt would have moved quick smart if she dropped a well-timed air biscuit.


• Adelaide Now - for their "Talk to Tredders" feature. I've got a question for him, "Why do you look like a fucking dick with ears?"


• People complaining about the latest road safety ads such as 'don't be a "W" pictured next to an anchor' - these ads are designed to save lives, you "picture of a penis" next to a "picture of a head".


• Mayawati - the Indian politician accused in US cables of sending her private jet to pick up a pair of sandals. She has often been criticised in the past for extravagance, erecting huge statues of herself in public parks and being greeted at rallies with garlands made out of 1000-rupee ($20) bank notes. She has furiously denied the claims and said the man behind the disclosures should be put in a mental asylum. Ah, pot kettle black, fuckwit. If it looks like a duck....


• Miss Universe pageant organisers - for complaining that Miss Colombia was wearing short frocks and no jocks. Bloody party poopers. The poor girl recieved complaints from Miss Australia for stealing her "map of Tassie" while Miss Brazil was bloody unhappy she pinched her "Brazilian".


• Soulja Boy - the rapper (with a silent c) for his lyrics "fuck the army troops" in his new single Let's Be Real. No Soulja Boy, fuck you. No matter what you think of the war in Afghanistan, the troops are putting their lives on the line. Compare that to what Soulja Boy does, which is to release nothing but crap and try to call it music.


• The two Thai men who tried to smuggle 120 dogs to Vietnam to be sold for human consumption - acting on a tip (from Underdog, no doubt), local officials and police officers stopped two pickup trucks carrying the dogs stuffed into bags in Nakhon Phanom province in northern Thailand near Laos. Un-fucking-fortunately, Harry the fucking Chihuahua was not among the 120. For fucksake.


• Dean Wallis - for allegedly betting on Essendon to lead at every change against Port. Not only did he lose the bet but he got caught doing it! And then tried to lie about it. He reckons he put a bet on for one of his mates - was it Simon Goodwin, fuckwit? Heard of security cameras, Dean? Stupid is as Deano does.


• Nathan Bock - for allegedly telling his family that he was going to start at full-forward against the Hawks. His family then allegedly put money on Nathan to kick the first goal, causing his odds to plummet from $101 to $21. They allegedly did this despite the recent crackdown on gambling in the AFL. It is allegedly odds on that the Bock family is in-bred. Wonder if mum took any bets in jail?


• Madonna - for being a bitch when a fan presented her with a flower. A fan went up to Madonna and presented her with a perfect branch of blossoming purple hydrangea. After a fairly curt thank you, Madonna stowed the flower under the table and then pulled a face. She leans over to her right to tell a person obscured from camera and said: "I absolutely loathe hydrangeas. He obviously doesn't know that." Well, Madonna, he also obviously doesn't know that you are a talentless fuckwit who can't act and can't sing. And by the way, all that plastic surgery you have had aint working.


• The 4 fuckwits who robbed a partially paralysed man on a Sydney train - I'm sure all those do-gooders out there will want the poor buggers to get a slap on the wrist and some rehabilitation. Get fucked. It is time to bring back public floggings.


• Austrian scientists - for keeping lab chimps in darkness for 30 years and then being surprised that the poor cunts hugged each other after being released into daylight for the first time. Keeper Renate Foidl said: "The chimps are incredibly happy. This is amazing, I have been waiting for this moment for so long." Well, Renee, ya fucking stupid Austrian, why keep them in darkness in the first place? Let's fucking lock you away for 30 years in the dark and see how you react? I personally would have loved to have seen those chimps beat the crap out of her. Fair dinkum, what is the fucking deal with Austrians??


• Rocco Leo followers - a couple of these dumbfucks are still involved in court proceedings to recoup some of the cash he liberated from them in return for the promise of saving them from doomsday, which involved poisoned microchips, gassing, beheadings and government run concentration camps. Fucken wankers, you don't deserve to get your money back, give it to someone who has more in their head than just a sleepy fucken mouse on a wheel. That ain't gonna happen if you're an Aussie citizen fuckwits, if you happen to be an illegal immigrant however there may be cause to worry.


• Bury Council - Pommie council that has recently been forced to find $27 million in savings has ordered 22 $620 iPads for their garbos to help guide them round their new routes. Ever heard of a fucken street directory cunts, $620 so some grubby fucker can run over people because he's too busy spanking the fucken monkey over porn instead of driving. Eh oop, look at the fooken melons on that, FUCKEN BANG, what the fook was that, ooh shite sorry about rooning over young 'Arold Jim but have a fookin look at this.


• Producers of Britain's Got Talent - sacked judge David Hasselhoff because he was too boring. Firstly, a pointless show because they fucken don't have talent, if one of your best success stories is Susan Doyle your talent pool is about as shallow as Tom Scully's club loyalty. Secondly, if they'd let him sink piss before and during the show it would make him more entertaining, I'd fucken watch if you were going to see him call contestants talentless cunts, scarf down burgers and piss on stage. Thirdly, how's the poms calling someone boring, fucken hell how dark are you pot, 11.59 black. From a country that has produced such inspirational leaders recently as John Major, Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and David Cameron I wouldn't go chucking too many fucken stones cunts.


• Cricket Australia - for contemplating appointing Neil Craig as their "high performance manager". Fuck off. Neil Craig couldn't get a high performance out of Cheech and Chong.


• Adelaide Zoo - received another $500,000 hand-out. For fucksake, just re-name it Port Adelaide. They have already got their version of Alipate Carlisle and Robbie Gray - Wang Wang and Fuckhead. And check-out the Bolovian three-toed sloth, Justin Westhoff.


• Grace Portolesi - the Aboriginal Affairs Minister made a superb fuck-up on radio with her "talk about the pot calling the kettle black, pardon the pun" statement. You are pardoned, fuckwit!


• Joan Lloyd - 65 year-old Welsh great-mother who spent $7,000 on a boob job to go from an A cup to an F cup - that is F for fuckwit. She said, "Older people don't have to sit back and live like an old spinster any more. I have had a few dates, with men from 24 to 50. Some don't even know how old I am". That is, until they get past ya fun bags.


• Bronwyn Bishop - for starting up a campaign to keep lawn bowls on the ABC. "Getting rid of bowls off the ABC will mean that the ABC won't be fulfilling its charter in relation to a very important sport in Australia," Mrs Bishop said in a statement today. Fair dinkum, only 65 year-old Welsh women with fake tits like to watch lawn bowls on telly.


• The drunk moose in Sweden that was desperate for juice and became stuck in a tree as it tried to reach for alcoholic apples - the moose, known as Tracey Grimshaw, was severely intoxicated after gorging on the fermented fruit, and became tangled in branches in a garden on Wednesday.


• Todd Carney - finally sacked by the Sydney Roosters after he was discovered getting boozed with a drunk Swedish moose.


• Adam Cooney - the feral has had some work done on his knees post-season. Fair enough. But by the looks of him on the Footy Show, he also had a fair bit of work done on his fucking eyebrows too. For fucksake, what the fuck is going on with Aussie sporting blokes at present? Botox, eyebrows waxed, dyed hair, manicures - ya fucking paid to play sport not to look like fucking Ken the fucking barbie doll. What happened to blokes with fucking mutton chops and monobrows? Imagine if Dom Cassisi decided to get his eyebrows waxed - they would have to wheel out big Dave Foster and his axe for that job.


• Ivan Maric - for telling Port Magpies that he is not available to play finals for them. The odds on Port winning a final have just improved dramatically.


• Tom Scully - stop fucking stretching it out ya cunt and just admit that you are going to the GWS (Giant Wanker Sheedy). And if you fucking don't come clean and say you went for the money then you will have less fucking credibility than if Dean Wallis joined the No Pokies Party.


• One in five MPs is depressed - boo fucking hoo, that must be the same one in five MPs that can't get their snout in the fucking trough.


• Russell Robertson - he is such a shit musician that he has teamed up with Phil Ceberano, Kate's less fat and even less talented brother.


• The 36 year-old goose who broke into Celine Dion's house, raided her fridge and then took a bath - when police arrived, they found him chucking his guts up in the toilet after the cupid stunt foolishly played one of her CDs.


• The British Advertising Standards Authority - for banning a mobile phone ad depicting Jesus winking and giving the thumbs-up gesture. However, they had no problems with the Bunnings Warehouse ad which showed Jesus spruiking a hammer, nails and two planks of wood.