Summer Series - Week 5 Nominees

• Department of Human Services - apparently they have served 192 Departure Prohibition Orders on parents because they have failed to pay child support. If they are really serious about being vigilant on this how is it that Tony McGuinness still manages to get through customs? Nail Fweddy for all the extras he's sired and not taken ownership for and their numbers would double. Imagine the amount of short, lithpy little Fweddy's walking around wondering where dad is, and wondering why it's so hard to order a steak sandwich with sauce without drowning the poor bastard behind the counter.

• KFC - for their fucking fresh test ads. They are shit. And how about getting some current Australian cricketers to advertise your product not useless cunts like Cameron White, David Hussey, Steve Smith and Mitchell Johnson. Cameron White is struggling so badly that he even dropped the fucking chicken wrap.

• Adelaide Street Preachers - after annoying the shit out of people in Rundle Mall these pricks now feel the next to bail people up on trains and spew their rhetoric at them where they can't get away. And the Government are trying to encourage more people to take public transport? Bring back the old Red Hen trains so if you get one of these arseholes dribbling shit at you you can just open up the door whilst it's moving and kick the dickhead out. What is it with Christians? They are supposed to forgive and forget. But they are the biggest cunts in the world. Catholics, Anglicans, Baptists, Mormons, fuck, if they are not trying to tell us what to fucking think and say and watch or listen to then they are a busy molesting kids. How about we evoke Ezekial 25 17 from Pulp Fiction and do a Samuel L. Jackson and blow the fuckers away.

• RAA - "Rest easy knowing you're covered no matter where you are 24/7". That is of course unless you are stranded outside Roxby Downs on a dirt road and they feel they may damage their vehicle getting to you, in which case, tough shit you're on your own.

• Parents of kids getting burnt by 2min noodles - apparently the Womens and Childrens Hospital is getting a kid a week admitted with burns from 2min noodles. Hmmm, let's see, the ingredients are the noodles and....... BOILING FUCKING WATER! Geez who would've thought that could cause a problem. I'm not a doctor but I would have thought an easy way to prevent such events occurring is to let it cool down before serving, fuck me there's an idea. For fucksake, parents who allow their kids to be burnt by fucking noodles need to have Ezekial 25 17 evoked.

• Jamie Oliver - after spending the last few years telling people to eat healthier,the bloated cow tongued cunt has had his 30min meals book slammed for the amount of recipes it has that are about as healthy as gnawing on a stick of lard. Luvly jubbly, my arse, you porky pommy fuckwit.

• Cameron Borgas - had a 'ramp shot clinic' in the Sunday Mail. How about you concentrate on getting some shield runs after numerous years of failure. I reckon we should hold a "deadset fuckwit clinic" for Cam and talk through how he has been a consistent non-perfomer in a team that has done less than sweet fuck all for over a decade. Deadshit.

• Aussie blokes too scared to donate sperm - an IVF rep said there was only 2 or 3 blokes who gave up the baby gravy last year, causing Aussie women to import spoof from the US. Just go to Canberra for christsake, you have Federal Parliament and the largest porn warehouse in the southern hemisphere, there would be wankers fucken galore there. What the fuck is going on with blokes these days - wanking used to be a national past-time. Just ask Kevin Foley, Mike Rann, John Rau and Fat Pat Conlon - these blokes are constantly on the fucking stroke.

• The Southern Suburbs fish and chip employee who put caustic soda on chips instead of salt - hehe fucken dickhead, you'd like to think they would put the two things in separate looking containers, no use in putting the names of the ingredients on the containers, Adam Cockshell can't read. Still, it is better than the fucking "tartare" sauce that the shop serves up - the IVF would be fucking happy.



• The dickhead who ended up in hospital after eating the caustic soda laced chips - apparently Ron Fuller isn't happy. He was even less happy when they forgot to add in their famous tartare sauce.

• People who think Michael Clarke is fucken God because he scored 300 - yes he did fucken well, but it was a flat deck against an opposition who were more concerned with trying to sell mobile phone plans to the crowd than bowling and fielding. It's one dig and everyone is now willing to forget all the fuckups he'd had. Some cunts have memories like fucken goldfish. And don't forget that no cunt wanted to sponsor the tosser's bat either. Let's face it, not even his own team-mates like him. His own dad doesn't like him.

• The Vodaphone Viewers Minda Fucken Pollsters - got a choice of 3 digs - Clarke's 329no, Lara's 277 or Steve Waugh's four off the last ball of the day ton - as the best seen as the best at the SCG. And two thirds picked Clarke. It's nice to know Lara Bingle still has the time and dexterity to vote whilst copping a pounding from blokes she's picked up at the Redfern bus stop.



• Alan Border - for hosting Foxtel's new excrement of a show, Cricket Superstar. Come on, AB, surely you don't need the money? Some of the contestants include Graeme Wood, Andrew Sincock, Sam Parkinson, Joe the camera man, and Hansie Cronje.



• Kevin Foley - going straight into a role as a Government lobbyist. You fucking dog. Well, since you are lobbying the government, can you go into bat for me, and tell Jay Weatherill to cut stamp duty, stop people getting fined $150 for jaywalking, stick the fucking de-sal plant up ya arse, not to build a hospital on a toxic waste dump, and arrange a public execution for Eugene McGee. You are a cunt, Foley.



• Brad Haddin - fuck off. You're glovework is worse than Michael Jackson's.



• Sarah Burge - the 51 year-old UK woman who gave her 7 year-old daughter a $10,000 liposuction voucher. Ok, I can understand if the daughter was Amanda Vanstone but for fucksake, what is the world coming too - how about stop feeding ya kid bacon and chip sandwhiches.



• Nickelback - finally the world is waking up to the fact that they are evil. Black Keys drummer, Pat Carney, has been quoted as saying Nickelback is responsible for the death of rock n roll. Here, fucking, here. I have pitched a new show to Channel 10 whereby Chad Kroeger is released and a group of contestants hunt down and kill him. Once that job is completed, Lady Gaga is then released and the same fate awaits her. Episode 3 stars Amy Winehouse. Oh, wait, that job has already been completed.



• The US Navy Seal who accidentally shot himself trying to impress a woman - is that how they got Bin Laden, some redneck US commando was trying to get a root and the bird says to him, "I''ll root ya if ya get get Osama, baby."



• Mitt Romney - what sort of name is Mitt? The next fucking President of the Universe is going to be a fucking baseball glove.



• The US - for taking 12 months to select a Republican candidate. Who gives a shit. They are all just a bunch of fuckers who will start another fucking war against a nation that they have supplied with antique fucking weapons. Fair dinkum. It is all bullshit, this US election process.



• Heinz - for closing down a Victorian sauce factory and moving it New Zealand. For fucksake, New Zealanders can't even pronounce "sauce" let alone make it.



• ABC Grandstand - for employing former NZ medium-pace "bowler", Danny Morrison, as a commentator. If I want to listen to a fucking retard commentate on cricket I'll give Scosa a call.



• Chinese restaurants in Canberra - apparently their mushroom meals are to die for.



• State Government - can someone fucking explain why they are selling the state's forests? Has someone got a finger in the pie? It stinks. Come on, Jay, I dare you to grow some balls and do something about it.



• Federal Government - for trying to brand Anzac Day. Fuck off, Julia. This is a sacred day so keep ya big fucking nose out of it. We don't need one of your stupid fucking slogans.



• Ethan Bedford - little fucker from Seaview Downs who named Michael Clarke as his all-time favourite cricketer in the Tiser. You little shit, you'll get a visit from Peter Liddy if you keep that bullshit up.



• Steve Besagni - for naming Graham Gooch as his favourite all-time cricketer. Dickhead, the question was favourite cricketer, not hairpiece.



• Father Tony Kennedy - the Tasmanian Catholic priest has called for Woolworths to remove the crosses from their hot-cross buns. Let's make a deal, fuckwit, if the Catholic Church hangs all the priests that have molested kids, then Woolies will remove the crosses.



• The 18,717 people who bought a Mitsubishi Lancer in 2011. Why, for fucksake? It is a piece of crap.



• Millsy - quite ironic that he's hosting Young Talent Time when a) he is not young b) he has no talent and c) the only time he is known for is the time he shagged serial slut Paris Hilton.



• Kiyoshi Kimura - for paying $715,000 for a bluefin tuna. For fucksake, you idiot, ya can pick up a tin of SAFCOL tuna for under $3.



• Randall Putz - for advertising the Adelaide Trader. For fucksake, who would listen to a bloke who's last name is "Putz"?


• Australian fast-bowlers - they breakdown more regularly than a Leyland P76. Harris, Cummins, Johnson, Bollinger, and now fucking Pattinson. It is about time these cunts stopped training and did what Merv and Warnie did and spend less time in the gym and more at the local pub and fast food joint.

The Chad Medal - Summer Series - Winner Week 4

I'll keep it this weeks winner's rant short and concise, rather like the obvious lack of education and upbringing of the winner. The winner of the award this week is the dickhead who tried lighting his BBQ with petrol and then tried extinguishing the flames with his hands. Fair dinkum you've gotta be a braindead fuckwit/coach of Port Power to be that stupid. Firstly to try to light a barbie with petrol, for one it's a fucking expensive way to do it, and two it's just out and out fucking retarded. What do ya want on your snags Bill? Fucken unleaded thanks mate. All that's gonna do is cause a fucken inferno and attract unwanted indigenous visitors with the fumes. And secondly, why the fuck would you try and put out a fire with your hands? Unless your name is Johnny Storm, aka the human torch from The Fantastic Four, you're gonna get fucken crispy real quick. So the fuckhead from Qld has won this weeks award, maybe they can get KFC to replace your mutated hands with some crispy strips and a couple of zinger burgers you fuckwit, they'd still be in better nick than Neil Kerley's mitts.

Summer series - week 4 nominees

• New Zealand - NZ's state-run Accident Compensation Corporation recently released figures showing the cost of treatment, rehabilitation, and compensation for accidents recorded for 2010 Christmas Day topped $1.45 million. This included claims for several ham-related injuries - including carving mishaps and burns, neck and knee strains from heavy hams and a crushed finger after a ham fell off a stand ( this claimant was later discovered to be the husband of former PM Helen Clark ). Why the fuck would you run an insurance company in that joint? They are a deadset bunch of dumbfucks, you know what the NZ health body should be fucken subsidising - condoms and abortions. It's shit like that that makes you think when Charles Darwin was penning his thoughts he didn't have NZ in his thoughts cause they contravene everything he wrote.

• The Ramp Shot - Another marvellous innovation spurned from fucknuts like Ryan Campbell in one-dayers and now is more rife than a Cornes in a newspaper by virtue of 20 fucking 20. There's a good message to send out to the kiddies, fuck the straight drive, do this instead. Yep 20/20 is great for the game. If I was bowling to someone and the prick played the ramp shot you know where the next ball would be? Right at the cunts head, and it wouldn't fucken bounce. Fucken ramp that you cunt, if you're looking for your front teeth I just saw em flying down to fineleg.

• Moises Henriques - NSW cricketer who always has the look of a bloke who's dropped 10 bucks and found 10 cents. Always has a girly 'injury', acts like his shit doesn't stink but does fuck all. Played a couple of one-dayers for Australia, and did a heartstring, apparently his idol is Shaun Tait.

• Adelaide United - at the start of the season main sponsor Stratco offered them $2000 per goal towards a Burundi health and water project. The way those cunts are playing the poor Burundian buggers won't even have enough money for a pura tap

• Raymond Lahey - Canadian Catholic Bishop charged with importing kiddie porn has apologised in court. I'll bet you're sorry, sorry you got caught you filthy cunt.

• The arsehole who complained about the noise of the horn, bell and carols coming from the annual Father Christmas Lolly Run in Davoren Park - you shitbag, it's not as if you would have had a job to get up for in the morning anyway. Did it distract you from breaking into that Commodore you were trying to pinch?

• Archie Thompson - scored a goal against the Fiona Coote sponsored Melb Heart and proceeded to celebrate by trying to pull his shirt over his head twice, and both times fucked it up. This prick has got to be the most overrated striker ever to be produced by this country.

• Church Leaders - want the people of Sth Aus to share the joy and peace of Christmas and urged people not only to include their family and friends, but also to reach out to the lonely and socially isolated. Before you preach to me about how to conduct my life how about you fuckwits get your flock to stop touching up little kids first. Maybe then I might give your words some fucking credence.

• The shitbag who knocked down an 82yr old lady to steal her handbag - hopefully they catch this turd and string him up by his nards, fucken scumbag.

• Gerry Harvey - fucken piss and moan, you've made millions you miserable old bastard and you crack the shits because people you're not making enough, and that's what all your recent bleating amounts to - you're a greedy, piss stained old cunt. Go Harvey go, get fucked Gerry Harvey CUNT.

• The 26yr old bloke in Qld who badly burned his hands after using petrol to light his BBQ - his efforts at becoming the next Ian Hewittson resulted in two houses having blistered paint and a car torched. And of course a pair of hands that ended up looking like an overcooked BLT after he tried to pat out the flames with his hands. Qld fire commissioner Colin May warned people to use common sense when firing up the BBQ over the festive season. I think what Colin meant was we're busy enough at this time of year without having to waste our time dealing with fucking stupid ex-pat Port Adelaide supporters.

• Kevin Foley - And I quote " I'm out of pubs, out of clubs - not that I was doing that a lot, but I'm not going to be going to hotels. I've got a new life. I'm not going to do that anymore. It's just too difficult for me if I'm out ". Hahahahaha, it's only difficult for you because you're an egotistical, pissheaded, sleazy old meglomaniac who tries rooting other blokes women and doesn't like being rejected by women half your age. Women state wide would be happy if you actually followed through with that promise - but let's face it being a politician we've got about as much chance of that happening as The Chad doing an interview without drowning the interviewer. Remember this quote in a few weeks when Roly Poly gets his head punched in for trying to dry root a 22 year old blonde in a nightclub.

Summer Series Winner - Week 3

Tis the season to be a cunt, falalala go and get fucked. Now I've got the Christmas greetings out of the way I'll move on to the winner of this weeks award. Actually before I do it would be remiss of me not to give another cheerio to last weeks winner Jesus. Hope you had a top birthday , and thanks for not coming back, those poor bastards who got shot in the US or the bloke who lost his family in a house fire will be eternally grateful to you ya shaggy headed, lazy-arsed fucken twat.

And so to the winner of this weeks award. This bloke used to be someone who Australian kids could look at and go " I want to be like that when I grow up ", a fat, beer swilling, chain smoking, fast food munching, pants man who was one of the greatest sportsmen this country, nay this fucking world, has ever produced. I speak of course of none other than Shane Keith Warne.Warnie was a bloke who people could relate to, he liked the finer things in life and fuck anyone who told him he had to give them up. And the thing was whilst he was indulging himself with such gluttonous fervour, he still managed to be at the very top of his game in the greatest game of all - cricket. He could bowl 35 overs , have a packet of ciggies, drink 10 beers, eat 4 pizzas, and fuck some random strumpet, all in the course of one day, and still fucken rock up the next day and perform for his country. That is the Australian way my friend. That is the ideals this great country of ours was founded on - she'll be right, pass us a fucken beer, if ya don't like it blow it out your fucken arse ya wowser cunt.

That WAS Warnie. What the fuck has happened to the cunt now? He's dropped off the kilos, is moderating his diet ( fucken diet shakes, go and get fucked, icecream, full cream milk and a shitload of chocolate is the only sort of shake the old Warnie would have had ), has been to the panel beaters/tupperware/the fucken botox warehouse to 'fix' his melon, dresses like Molly Meldrum is picking his wardrobe, has a set of teeth that would provide more illumination than any fucken light tower in Australia, and is trying to act like a responsible citizen. Well fucken spew. The clincher for me was his recent dribble about the excessive amount of cricket being played being the reason for player injuries being on the increase, but fuck me don't can the 20/20 fucken dogshit. Now yes there is too much ONE-DAY AND FUCKEN 20/20 ( if you can call that insult to the game ) cricket being played. There is no such thing as too much test cricket, the truest, purest form of the game. As reticent as I am to agree with Indian cricketers, a recent speech by Indian cricketer Rahul Dravid was right on the money. Less one-dayers and make this 20/20 abortion only on a domestic level. You however Warnie have sold your arse like a ladyboy in downtown Bangkok ( or Unley ). The very game you made your name in, and were most revered for, TEST CRICKET, you seem to have abandoned to fleece your fucken pockets. Well fuck you, I was there at the MCG when you bowled Andrew Strauss to get your 700th test wicket, and I was as happy as a dog with two dicks. You know how many 20/20 games I've been to see you play - fucken none. And if I was to watch you play any game now I would fucken razz you, ya wanna know why? Because you're a fucken sellout, you've sold out everything that got you to where you are, the sight of you these days makes me wanna spew and that's why you win The Chad Medal this week.

Summer series - week 3 nominations

• Kim Jong-il - great to see the demise of another fucking despot. His biggest crime was bringing the beige zip-up safari suit back into vogue. Team America finally got the cunt. Fuck you Aric Baldrin ( if you haven't seen the Team America film that won't mean a lot to you, so fucken watch it - it's gold )


• Adelaide United - being aligned to the North Adelaide footy club has been a roaring success. If Kosmina fails, talk is that they will bring back Zoran Matic. And if he fails, Greg Griffin has a line direct through to Johnny Warren.


• Shaun Tait - the "Wild Thing" was anything but against the Adelaide Strikers. You know you are shit when Cam Borgas can hit you for two consecutive sixes with shots I wouldn't play in the backyard. To make matters worse, Taity cancelled a beer with Borgas after the game. Harden up, princess. Must have been distraught at the thought of missing out on his weekly pounding from Molly Meldrum.


• Bikies - for fucksake, rather than putting innocent people at risk in your fucking stupid war, just sort your differences out in a game of paintball or skirmish.


• The Beach Boys - have reformed to undertake a world tour. For fucksake, why? Two Wilsons are dead, Brian is not far away and Mike Love is still a fucking no talent cunt. For fucksake, help me Rhonda.


• The cost of living in South Australia - get fucked.


• Jack Snelling - see the cost of living in South Australia.


• Molly Meldrum - the old queen finally opened his eyes after being in a coma. All it took was for a doctor to say that a young boy band was in the hospital room.


• Prosecutors in the Fabian Francis case - they have asked for a jail term for Francis to send a message that society says no to violence. Fair call but why the fuck didn't they call for the same for that dog Eugene McGee. Cunts.


• Lily the stolen chihuahua - the fucking little bitch is trying to cut Harry's lunch. When Frank Pangello approached him for an interview, Harry said, "Lily is a slut, a fucking fame whore - she thinks she's fucking Lara Bingle". Harry then cocked his leg and signed his name on Frank's shoes.


• The dickhead who returned Lily - police are now questioning him in relation to the break-in that resulted in Lily's disappearance. This guy is so dumb that Port Adelaide have offered him a coaching role.


• The idiot from Fisherman's Bend who set fire to his house and was burnt in the process resulting in his arrest - he makes the dickhead who returned Lily the fame whore chihuahua seem like a Rhodes Scholar.


• William Smiley "Fritz" - the dirty cunt who has been caught once again "up-skirting". Gives a new meaning to "smile, you're on candid camera". The prick has escaped a jail term. He should have got life for that shot of Jenny Williams' crown jewels that he posted on eBay.


• Mary-Louise Hribal - the judge who didn't jail William Smiley for "up-skirting". Maybe old Fritz had some special photos of Mary-Louise?


• The cockhead who spiked his own drink so he could have his way with himself - he now faces a 5 year sentence for spaking his monkey without consent. Take note other well known wankers out there, like Kyle Sandilands, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Jack Snelling, Keith Conlon, Mick Malthouse, Chad Kroeger, Chad Cornes, Graham Cornes, Lucy Cornes, Shaun Tait, Michael Clarke and Ken McGregor.


• Sally Pearson - for doing the usual thing for Aussie atheletes who are hot favourites to win Olympic gold and injuring herself.


• People who don't think cannabis does them any harm - really, then how do you explain when you've got the munchies and just gone up the servo for the eighth time in a night for a packet of chips, a frozen yiros and a bag of self raising flour to eat and forgotten you've already been there 7 times before you drugfucked wankers.


• Indian Booze Bootleggers - killed 102 people and sent dozens to hospital with bootleg leg liquor (thought to be XXXX beer) laced with chemicals to increase potency. It wasn't the chemicals they put in that killed em, it was the clean, uncontaminated water. On the plus side there are now 102 less fucking incompetent, shifty taxidrivers in the world.


• The captain and crew of a people smuggling vessel who jumped ship and left the 'passengers' to drown - a fan of illegals I ain't but that's a fair dinkum cunt act. Mind you, not a lot different to what Messrs Rann and Foley have done to this state.


• The Big Bash - bash it up your arse, it's a fucking disgrace. I watched two overs on Sunday night and turned over in disgust, there was Ricky Ponting batting at the WACA dressed in an outfit that made him look like a fucking Ribena berry. Who the fuck picked these uniforms, Molly Meldrum while he was still in a coma? The cricket is shit, and it's making a mockery of the game. I mean for fucksake Brad Hogg is playing.


• Cricket Australia - have proved they are mere dollar craving sluts (just like Nicole Cornes) by canning all first class cricket whilst the Big Bash (or as it shall be referred to from this day forward - The Newton/Foley) is on. No Shield cricket till February, go and get fucked. A big series coming up against the Indians and blokes are supposed to find test standard form bowling against 83yr olds like Matt Hayden and batting against Brad Hogg's fucken pies that Stuart MacGill looks like he has been tucking into.


• The Australian Cricket Team - quote former skipper Graham Yallop - "It is a matter of application and concentration. They all try to play too many balls away from their body, off stump and their front pad. They are paying the consequences of not getting in behind the ball." And so say all of us, it's that fucking blatant.


• Warnie - The gay Matt Hayden lookalike has proven that whilst he has managed to keep little Shane in his pants recently it hasn't increased his brain capacity. He has gone and complained that there is too much cricket being played, and that is responsible for the amount of injuries occurring, but then gone on and said there should be a separate part of the cricketing calendar set aside for the Newton/Foley. They're doing that now you fucking peroxide toothed sellout, what do want them to do - shitcan more test cricket - you know PROPER FUCKING CRICKET -in favour of more of this 20/20 fucking dogs breakfast pile of steaming fucking pigshit abortion of the game? Pull your fucking head in cunt, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.


• Jon Bon Jovi - unfortunately, reports of his death were false. He's wanted, wanted, dead, not alive.


• Roger Graham Crawford - quite possibly the lowest cunt in Adelaide, even lower than Eugene McCunt. This bastard was charged with sexually abusing seven intellectually kids but the charges were dropped because the kids were deemed as "unreliable witnesses". I have come across some fucking bullshit before, but this has to be one of the biggest travesties of justice going around. Every dog has its day, you evil sick cunt.


• Xavier Doherty - the Tasmanian alleged spinner (noone has ever come forward to admit ever seeing this cunt turn the ball) is "looking forward to measuring himself up against Stuart MacGill" in the Newton/Foley match in Inbredsville. Xavier, I think you are going to fail on two counts - Stewie is fucking a lot fatter than you plus he can actually spin the ball, even at the age of 50.


• Meningie Football Club - for signing Daniel Motlop. There must be a shitload of blue green algae in the River Murray at Meningie. Jesus, not even Tailem Bend would contemplate signing this lazy cunt.


• Laurie O'Shea - the serial cunt/pedo has once again been found guilty of kiddy fiddling but has received only two years in jail. For fucksake - the minimum sentence for the cunt should be to have his fucking cock chopped off with a rusty blunt razor. Followed by a bullet in the head.


• Canberra bosses - as if working in that shithole is not bad enough, pollies have been rated as the nation's worst bosses, with employees rating the lost of them at best "cunts". No fucking shit, Sherlock. Imagine having to work for a deadset arsehole like Kevin Rudd.


• Azaria Chamberlain - what is the fucking point in a fourth inquest. We all know one of the Chamberlain boys did it. The dingo is fucking innocent!


• Westfield Marion - for advertising 36 hours of non-stop shopping. For fucksake, I'd rather go to Kerobokan Prison than spend 36 hours shopping in that fucking hell-hole.


• Adelaide Police - for fining people $130 for jaywalking outside places like the Casino. Dickheads. Wouldn't be about revenue raising for Mr Snelling, would it? How about you fuckwits do some real crime-work like stopping the bikies, putting pedos behind bars for life, and giving Eugene McGee an all expenses paid Christmas holiday in Yatala.


• Health Minister John Hill - smart move, fuckhead, building a hospital on the most contaminated piece of land in South Australia, apart from Unley Oval. At least the poor cunts who get affected by the toxic fumes won't have far to go to hospital. This State Government is completely fucked. What a great legacy, Rann and Foley - a fucking poisonious hospital, a tram that won't operate in summer and a fucking de-salination plant that will never get used. Good on ya.


• Auckland - not only are they home to the world's most retarded accent, but now they are home to the world's creepiest Santa. The Whitecoulls Santa has a sly winking left eye and a disturbing "come hither" moving index finger. This Santa was very popular with the local sheep.


• David Dopp - just six hours after winning a $350,000 Lamborghini, the dickhead crashed it. Very Dopey Dave Dopp. No surprises to find he's from the USA.


• Dennis Storm and Valerio Zeno - the Dutch tv hosts were filmed having their flesh removed by a top chef and then the two fucking weirdos ate each other's flesh live on telly. Not a lot different to Mel and Kochie who eat each other's arses every morning. Apparently, this has given Darren Simpson some new ideas for his "signature" KFC dishes.


• Kanye West - for chucking a hissy fit and kicking a fan out of his concert for throwing a business card on stage. Apparently, Kayne said the card was a security risk. What about the permanent brain damage those at the concert risked by having to listening to the shit that sprouts from this goon. Scott West would be a better rapper than Kanye and he is borderline mentally retarded and talks like he has a mouthful of Terry Wallace's cock n balls.


• California lifeguards - for saving the life of "actor" Gerard Butler who nearly drowned while surfing. They should have let the Scottish git drown for appearing in the movie, "P.S I Love You." P.S. Get Fucked.


• The Brazilian mother who gave birth to a two-headed baby - she called one "Ricky" and the other "Ponting".


• Kevin Sheedy - for suggesting that Chad Cornes will be able to offer the young GWS list "guidance and steel". Good one, Sheeds, ya senile cunt. The only guidance Chad will provide is on how to be a complete fuckwit and how to get a root from ya step-mom while the only steel that is associated with Broges is that the fucking chin-fucker steals oxygen.

Summer series - winner week 2

After careful consideration the winner of this weeks medal is Jesus. It's no surprise the cunt was a carpenter, typical fucken tradie, shows up for a while, says he's coming back, then fucken nothing. He died for our sins apparently, well fuck me the world's come along in leaps and bounds since hasn't it, genocide, violations of human rights, and the Cornes family just to name 3 examples of how he hasn't made fuck all difference. The only thing he started was a church that deemed it fine to be a pack of fucking paedophiles and profiteers who promote his word of doing the right thing, and then go and do the complete fucking opposite. Good work mate, your followers are doing a fucken great job. If you ever do decide to come back you might want to sort that lot out for a start before you start looking at anyone else.

Think about it, a bloke strolling round with twelve others who've got his back telling everyone how they should conduct their lives. Disciples my arse, they were his heavies and he was the leader of the gang. You know what they call that these days - a fucken crime syndicate, yep Jesus was the inspiration for the mafia. They only caught up with him when he was ratted out by one of his own and a hit was conducted by the Romans. And how about his demise, crucified with nails through him. Nails in that age were expensive so it's probably bullshit they wasted them on him - a hairy Neil from The Young Ones, and having watched Monty Pythons Meaning of Life it didn't look that bad anyway so why does everyone piss and moan about it so much.

The amount of suffering that has gone, and continues to go on in the world, and where are ya cunt? You'd reckon he might've come back by now and said " fucken ease up, knock that shit off or I'll get the the old man to send a bolt of lightning up your arse ". But no, fucken zip. I'll bet the poor cunts that perished in the Qld floods would send you a huge cheerio, you helped them out didn't you. '

So Jesus wins this week's Chad Medal. If he's improved the world, how fucken bad was it before? Have a good birthday next week ya cunt, ( must be a bastard having your birthday on Xmas, you'd only get one lot of pressies ) and don't rush back we know you must be a busy man doing .......................................

Summer series week 2 nominees

• Nick D'Arcy - declared himself bankrupt to avoid paying Simon Cowley $180,000 for caving his head in un-provoked attack. Pay up, shithead.




• Penny Wong - who is the father, Penny? Kevin Foley? Paul Keating? Gough Whitlam? Mark Latham? Or did you father the child yourself - I always suspected you had a cock and a pair of knackers.




• Mark Latham - for abusing his kids swimming teacher who happened to be Bev Waugh, the mum of Steve, Mark and that other cunt who noone remembers. And to think that this goon was almost Prime Minister of Australia. What a complete fuckwit.




• Australian cricket team - for losing to New Zealand for the first time on home soil in 26 years. Fucking embarrassing. The cunts fell 8 runs short. Where is Mike Whitney when you need him.




• Michael Clarke - nice shot dickhead.




• Phil Hughes - see Michael Clarke.




• Brad Haddin - see Phil Hughes.




• Ricky Ponting - see Brad Haddin.




• Nathan Bock - this guy has less brains than than a Shaw family picnic.




• Malcolm Fox - won't pay his victim the $10,000 he was awarded - pay up ya fucking pedo. Surely Mem can raise the funds with her new book, Malcolm the Cunt Wombat Likes Young Wombats.




• Kevin Foley - the boofhead quit politics at least a decade too late. And suck the fuck in, the bloke who snotted you got off, as even the judge thinks you deserved it, ya dickhead.




• Matthew Newton - up to his old tricks again by thumping a 66 year old cabdriver at 10:30am. When questioned by police Matthew was heard to say, "The cunt said my New Zealand accent in Underbelly was worse than Ian Smith's."




• Shane Warne - lucky the cunt didn't burn his face. The Kinks are re-releasing their song "Plastic Man" in Warnie's honour. Burnt your fingers cooking bacon did you Warnie, are you sure it wasn't through doing a bit of overtime on Liz's vertical bacon sandwich?




• XXXX brewery workers - for reneging on a threat to go on strike. For fucksake, do us all a favour and halt the production of that fucking pig swill you Queenslanders have the cheek to call beer.




• Dan Ewing - the "actor" from Home and Away is the new Mathew Newton by thumping his fiance. Not even JR Ewing did that.




• The seal who found his away into a NZ woman's home - when interviewed, the seal said, "fuck those cunts speak like retards".




• Jana Pitman - on to root number 1,963. She goes through blokes quicker than she jumps hurdles.




• Jessica Simpson - for signing a $3 million deal with Weight Watchers. One million for each tit and a million for her fat arse. Hopefully, they'll go one step further and the mole will disappear for good.




• Adelaide Strikers - what a wank, why don't they call them the Sturt Unley Oval Poofburgers. Their outfit looks like fucken Sturt 'Football Club' uniform, all they're missing is the skirt and the undies with the arse cut out of them. I cannot abide Sturt and I cannot abide these cunts, fucken spew. Shaun "Princess" Tait would have really suited the Sturt colours, though.




• Christmas - how's your bank account looking, a bit fucken light on I reckon. Fucken bollocks, it's a rort. Tis the season to go bankrupt, get fucked Christmas loving cunts. And does anyone remember what the day is about, some blokes birthday I reckon, not sure, possibly Boonie.




• Ausralian Politicians - while the world is going down the toilet, these dirty fuckarses have given themselves a massive pay-rise. You dogs. Julia, how fucking stupid do you think we are, saying that it was the decision of an independent tribunal. Fuck off, idiot - you could have knocked the fucking obscene pay-rise back. You are the worse fucking Prime Minister this country has ever had - and to rub salt into that wound you are the most highly paid leader. It is bullshit. Plain old bullshit. You suck.




• Jesus Christ - you can tell this cunt was a tradesman, he said he'd come back to finish the job and noone's seen the fucken hippy since.




• Justin Street - US (fucken where else) nimrod who wasn't happy with the size of his old fella so paid someone to inject silicone into it to supersize little Justin. Surprise surprise it all went arse up and now Justin's carked it. Shouldn't have used a cheap brand you tightarse, haven't you seen the ad on tv, if it's Selleys it works.




• The NZ Labor party - have appointed a bloke called David Shearer as their new leader. Fucken hell they just want people to take the piss don't they. Baaaaaaaaaaa




• Malaysia - have just appointed a new king who's 84 years old. Apparently the coronation had to be held early in the day as he didn't want to miss East Enders at 6:30.




• Bernard Tomic - being investigated for a number of alleged traffic offences, but claims he's not a hoon driver, he's the victim of a vendetta by a Gold Coast policeman. Hahaha don't make me laugh cunt, he wouldn't even know who the fuck you are, you deadshit nobody.




• The Advertiser - more ripping yarns from the Crapvertiser. This time an article on why men are last minute shoppers. I can tell you why in 6 words "because we fucking hate doing it".




• Burnside Council - have shitcanned Chelsea Cinema and told the current tenants to vacate. Fucken councilors, shithouse wanna be politicians, what are you going to put there instead, a fucken hellfire club?




• The AFL - for dry-rooting Norwood in the last two years - 14 players drafted. Cunts.




• Ninemsn - for the headline, "Watch Capper's best moments". Best moments at what - murdering the English language? Having a pair of footy shorts disappear up his Jatz Cracker?




• Bill Gates - for giving his tick of approval to the carbon tax. Who the fuck asked you, nerd? How about a "Pissed Off Tax" on Microsoft - a dollar for every time fucking Microsoft crashes without warning causing you to lose 2 hours of work.




• South Australian Parliament - lesbian mums who conceive through IVF can now both have their names of their baby's birth certificates. What next? Fair dinkum. Let's just re-write the facts of life and say that two women can conceive a baby without a bloke's jism.




• Chinese wine judges - for rating a Chinese wine better than a French one from Bordeaux. Bullshit. Ever tasted Chinese wine?? I'd rather drink fucking XXXX beer than that shit - it is paint stripper.




• Prince Charles and his stallion Camilla - for announcing they are going to visit Australia next year. Get fucked, big ears, can't ya visit Syria or Afghanistan instead?




• James Hardie - for making it as difficult as possible for asbestos victims to claim compensation. Pay up, cunts.




• Julia Gillard - for refusing to say if she likes Kevin Rudd or not. Come on, Julia, don't be shy, the rest of the world hates the cunt, so just admit you do too!




• Tamworth - a boys home in the town has produced some of Australia's most violent criminals, responsible for 35 deaths. The town has also produced some of the worst fucking music ever to come out of Australia, cunt-ry music. I suspect the two are linked - wouldn't you get fucking aggro having to listen to Lee fucking Kernaghan, Kasey Chambers and Troy Cassar-Daley every fucking day of ya life growing up?




• Craig Thomson - not only does the prick use tax-payers money to buy hookers but he's a fucking plagiariser too! The cunt took a $24,000 trip overseas and then plagiarised his official report on the trip using Wikipedia as his source. This wanker deserves a pay-rise, doesn't he. So does Peter "Golden" Slipper. Cunts, the lot of them.