Week 18 nominations

• Geelong - for hiring Matty Knights.  You fuckwits - everything that Matty touches turns to poo.  Get rid of him before it is too late.
• Tony Abbott - for being out-run by that mincing poodle, Christopher Pyne.
• Luke Jarrad - despite a wet day and a very muddy oval, left the field spot-less after the State game.  He played so fucking wide that he took a mark in the front bar of the Holdfast Hotel.
• Jenny Williams - for being mistaken as a yeti when presenting the Fos Williams Medal after the State game.
• Chris Bowen - for sucking Gina Rinehart's cock. 
• Adelaide City Council - for increasing parking fees in their U-cunt-Parks on Sundays from $5 to $30.  What a great fucking idea - let's turn Adelaide into a fucking ghost town.
• Michaelangelo Rucci - this fuck knuckle is always looking for an excuse for why Port Adelaide are tripe and why noone wants to turn up and watch them.  This time it is they need a reserves team.  You idiot.  You made a big song and dance about Steven Salopek not getting a game in Glenelg's League team.  Well, dickhead, that is because he was making Kane Tenace and Jordan "Sharelle" McMahon look hard. 
• The Crows - for being beaten by a half-strength Collingwood team.  Premiership side, my arse.
• The Crows - for re-signing Richard Douglas.
• Suicide bombers - for letting a golden opportunity go on Saturday night at Footy Park with 45,000 Crows and Collingwood supporters packed in the stadium (including that donk Joffa).
• 5AA - half the air-time is totally banal bullshit.  The half involves blowing Sir Patty Dangerfield.
• Stephen Rowe - isn't it time that he was sent back to James Nash House?
• Ross Lyon - why did anyone think he would do any good at Fremantle.  He led Saint Kilda to 3 grand final losses with a star-studded line-up.  He's an over-rated, balding cunt who should be Minister for Silly Walks.
• Pippa Savage - does anyone remember Lay-down Sally Robbins?
• Canberra United - for sacking Ellyse Perry.  You dumb bitches!  She's as hot as a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire.  Maybe that provides the reason - she wouldn't put out for those sticker lickers. 
• Lara Bingle - get a real job ya slut and stay off our TV screens. 
• Brad Scott - for saying that Lindsay Thomas is not playing for North Melbourne this week for "internal" reasons.  It's called "he can't kick for shit", ya punnethead.  And how is David Hille's groin inflammation  going, Brad?
• Hendra virus - it's back.  Tracey Grimshaw, I think you should be quarantined.
• Camilla Parker-Bowles - see Hendra Virus.
• Princess Anne - see Camilla Parker-Bowles.
• Grant Hackett - he should change his name to Can't Hackett.  Talk about a dummy spit. 
• Kieren Perkins - has split with his wife.  Kieren, I think Grant Hackett has a spare room, but it's a bit messy.  
• Keane - the musical equivalent of the Sturt Football Club.
• Neil Craig - the tight-lipped, squeaky-voiced cunt is doing a sterling job at Melbourne.  Good call in selecting James Sellar!  Hahahaha.
• Stephen Trigg - do you still think Craigy was a genius?  You fucking tosser.
• Mark Neeld - talk about a hypocritical cunt.  He was a pillow as a player but is demanding his players at Melbourne be hard at the ball.  A classic case of do as I say, not as I do.  And what is what that twitch?  You look like a fucking psycho.
• Jack Snelling - you are making Roley Poley Foley look competent.  Nah, I take that back.  Ya both cunts.
• Jack Snelling - this state is going so bad that he has to resort to raising cash through sneaky means like pinching people who were unaware that they are driving unregistered.
• The Girl Guides - obviously failed at getting their stock-keeping badge.
• Schapelle Corby - no doubt getting ready to appear on Dancing With The Stars when she gets released.
• Stephen Milne - has finally been cleared of rape charges after 8 years.  The victim, Nick Reiwoldt is appealing the decision.
• Thinkers In Residence - the Government is finally axing this complete waste of tax-payers' money.  Unfortunately, the Wankers In Residence, ie the Labor Government, will remain.
• Chris Sebastian - Guy's even less talented brother has vowed to remain a virgin until marriage.  Girls across Adelaide have breathed a collectively sigh of relief.
• Mitt Romney - if he become president then the US may as well just shut up shop.
• Zac Milbank - has taken leaps at bounds at the Shitvertiser, the cunt is now "Super Coach Editor".
• Tom Dougherty - the poor cunt is off to a rough start at the Shitvertiser - his editors have made him cover women's soft-ball.  The poor cunt even missed out on covering the Lingerie Football League.
• Serena Williams - knocked out of the French Open and had a massive sooky sooky la la.
• Meow the cat - at 18 kilograms he is not only the world's fattest cat but also has the world's dumbest name for a cat.
• Jerald Reiter - when the farmer from Dubuque, Iowa was pulled over in the carpark of his local pub on suspicion of drunk driving, police found a zebra and a macaw in the front seat of the car. 
• Federal Government - trumpted "due process" and "innocent until proven guilty" over the Craig Thomson affair but are silent when it comes to Julian Assange who's crime is to make the powers that be look stupid.
• Tina Reichelt, Garry Reichelt, and Kathleen Modystack - have pleaded guilty to one count each of bestiality, or more accurately, rooting a dog.  Tim Matheson should face similar charges.
• Umar Patek - the Bali bomber insists the attacks that killed 202 people were "against my conscience" and has begged for a light sentence.  Get fucked.    
• Luke Jarrad - had a kid. That ain't right, don't let that DNA spread for fucksake. It's gotta be a surrogate surely for Jarrad and his 'life partner' Lee Ryswyk. I know they say he's got a missus, but so did Peter Allan.
• Jake Melksham - has taken over from Brent Stanton as the arsonist of the Bombers.
• The house where Amy Winehouse lived and died is being sold by her dad Mitch for $4.2 million.  It comes with added extras - like a shitload of cocaine and heroin.
• The dickhead in the Shitvertiser who when asked what his favourite song is answered, "American Pie".  No way, get fucked, fuck off.  If I ever hear that fucking song again I will do a Chopper Read and rip my own ears off.  Ditto, Hotel California and Piano Man.
• Dave Gilmour - the Pink Floyd guitarist had to evacuate his home when a bomb was discovered in the basement.  It was a false alarm as it turns out it was just the collection of records that Pink Floyd have released since their last decent album, The Wall, in 1980. A similar incident occurred at the home of Mick Jagger.
• The current state of the Australian music industry - if anyone can let me know when the last decent Australian rock n roll song was released, I'm all ears (subject to not hearing American Pie, Hotel California or Piano Man).
• Prince Charles - for releasing a range of souvenirs to celebrate his sour mum's diamond jubilee, including a stuffed corgi (which Prince Edward gladly stuffed from behind).
• Fairfax - for sending editing jobs at it's regional newspapers to NZ.  I'm sure people in Dubbo will love reading about Jeremy Coney and Ewan Chatfield.
• AFL football writers - what a bunch of deadshits.  Three weeks ago they were talking the Swans up as Premiership contenders.  A week ago it was the Crows.  Now it is Richmond.  Fair dinkum, Richmond?!?  Hasn't the last 30 years of ineptitude taught you clowns anything?  Craig Hutchison has to be to biggest dickhead of the lot of them, just ahead of Rucci and Robinson. 
• Julia Gillard - "mining wealth belongs to Australia".  Ah, so Julia, are you happy to fund the billions and billions of dollars that are required to invest in mining operations?  Are you willing to take the risk of failure?  And what the fuck are mining royalties and company taxes paid for?  Get fucked.  Let's make a deal - I'm happy for there to be a mining tax and carbon tax so long as you stop spending my fucking taxes on giving hand-outs to families of 12 lazy fuckarses that live on Maccas and Winnie Blues and cans of Jim Beam and coke and who don't want to fucking work but continue to breed lazy fucks like themselves and to stop paying the legal fees of a cunt like Craig Thomson and to stop giving yourself a fucking pay-rise and to ensure that your super-annuation follows the same market vagaries as mine,  etc fucking etc.  If not, then shut the fuck up.
• The Advertiser - christ is Patrick Dangerfield the new Chad? He signs a fucking contract with the camry cows and they have articles with his mum, how many times he took a shit as a kid, and how Mark Riccuito got a Graham Johncock out of it.
• Rachael Leahcar - the blind chick on The Voice, for fucksake will some cunt stick a chair in front of her next time she walks out onto stage.
• Grant Hackett - renovation rescue, here we come.
• Olivia Underwood - when asked in the Crapvertiser's streettalk " who is the greatest crows player" responded with Chris Knights. Granted he epitomises everything the club stands for - a piss weak front running pole smoker, but surely he can't have surpassed the great Clayton Lamb?
• The Advertiser - when publishing the best players from the recent SA v WA 'state'game put in all the bays players from their last game instead of the blokes who actually played. What a quality publication.
• Italian Football - 10 current or former players and the current manager of Juventus have been accused of match fixing. Surely not.
• Josh Gibson - Hawthorn defender who claimed that the hawks loss to Richmond boiled down to the hawks being the hunted not the hunter. Fuck off, the hawks lost because Richmond had a fair dinkum crack and Hawthorn were a pack of lazy cunts who ran up the white flag when it got too hard. Pure and simple cunt. The Chad Editor is a hawks supporter and I haven't seen a greater capitulation since the french in WW2. Pull ya fucken heads out.
• Schapelle Corby - rot in jail in Bali you bitch, we don't want you back.
• The SA state footy squad -  what a fucking abortion, Ryswyk and Jarrad on the wings, that alone was enough to keep me away, I will not support any team that has either of those two pillow biting fucking seagulls in their side.
• Matthew Westhoff - in the last game against North the dogs had 58 forward entries and the vertical plank had 2 kicks and 1 handball. He had as much impact as Vern Troyer fucking Serena Williams
• The bloke who was only the third person to go over  Niagara Falls without safety equipment and survive - he was trying to top himself. This cunt would have to be a bays supporter.
• Pippa Savage - shitcanned from the womens quad scull crrew just before the World Cup in Switzerland. Apparently Pippa is as mad as a fucken cut snake, but I did enjoy her press conference where she said she couldn't say fuck all and walked off. Attention seeker much? Funny, Jana Pitman canned running for rowing, she should fit right in.
• The Olympics - synchronised swimming, wrestling, wank wank. Get fucken darts in there, I want to see Simon ' The Wizard ' Whitlock playing for gold.
• Adelaide City Council - were going to charge people $15 to park in the Victoria Pk grounds for The Pedal Prix event, but after a backlash decided to only charge $7.50. You big hearted humanitarians you, salt of the earth you are Stephen Yarwood. What a pack of stingy, money-grabbing cunts. You ask people to pay for something that was, and should remain free, then think you're a fucken people's crusader for justice by halving the price. You're still ripping them off, you're just ripping them off half as much. The glass is only half full that way, but it's a fucken yard glass you pricks are drinking out of. Hey Stephen, this revenue raiser wouldn't be a way of raising funds to pay for some of the promises you made when elected Lord Mayor that you haven't delivered on would they? Fucken look out next time you go into town, there will be entrance fees on the Botanical Gardens, tolls on King William St, and a three drink minimum to stay more than an hour in Rundle Mall.