Week 37 Nominees

• Kenrick "Sophie" Monk - Aussie swimmer who claimed he was the victim of a deliberate hit and run whilst riding his bike fracturing his elbow has changed his story and admitted he fucked up whilst skateboarding. Tony Hawk or Bart Simpson this cunt ain't. On top of making a complete fuckwit of himself and putting himself out of the sport for a few weeks (and thereby jeopardising his spot for the London Olympics) he faces potential charges for making a false statement to the police. And what did he do when facing the press to admit he told a porky pie, he did a Mick Malthouse and cried. You fucken softcock.


• Kenrick Monk's parents - what a shit of a name to give to a kid, mind you they may have had a premonition when he was a youngun that he was going to be a fuckup later on in life and so gave him a name to match.


• The goal ump who called a goal when the ball hit the post in the AFL GF - what fucken game were you watching numnut, the ball clearly deflected off the post.


• Collingwood - hehehehehe eat a shitburger with the lot ya cunts. Fuck you Collingwood forever, none of you fucknuts have a brain, side by side they lost together, who are the cunts now gonna blame. See the barrackers crying, as we were hoping they would, oh the premiership's Geelong's, you fuckwits Collingwood.


• Nick Maxwell - the worst player ever to play in an AFL premiership, even worse than Aaron Keating. His loser's speech at the after-match presentation was gold, "Life is like a box of chocolates." Fucking retard.


• Mick Malthouse - super effort, Mick, ya dickhead. Great move to leave Ben Reid on Hawkins all day. And did someone forget to tell you that the club is bigger than the individual? It's all about Mick. Obviously, Mick's favourite song is the Skyhooks, "Ego Is Not A Dirty Word." Here is another Skyhooks song for ya, Mick and the rest of your soft-cock players, "Why don't you all, why don't you all, why don't you all get fucked."


• Alan Didak -the time is about right for this fuckwit to join the Finks.


• Chris Dawes - sooky sooky la la. The cunt was sobbing because he had just discovered he has no talent.


• Leigh Brown - for fucksake. He's not a coach's arsehole. He's just an arsehole. What the fuck are you going to teach Jack Watts?


• Meatloaf - $600,000 for 12 minutes of absolute shit. The highlight was his moving tribute to Nick Maxwell and Mick Malthouse, "You Took His Cock Right Out Of Your Mouth".


• Vanessa Amorosi - "Absolutely Everybody" can come and plough you apparently because the fucken gear you were wearing made you look like a Hanson Road Whore. Even Meatloaf said "I won't do that" - but by the looks of him, the Loaf is too old and too fucking fat to get it up and keep it up. And cheers, Vanessa, for fucking up the end of the national anthem, it sounded like two mating cats had just been run over. Or Mick Malthouse squealing.


• Norwood - fucking 7 goals in 8 quarters of football. To quote a gutted Legs supporter (not L. Holden) in the last quarter - "Pure and simple we were soft and trying to play an AFL style game and don't have the talent". Bit hard to argue with that after the shit display they put up.


• Nathan Bassett - might be a good idea to try and find a Plan B over the summer cause when Plan A didn't work over the last two weeks - you were fucked. It was like watching Neil Craig all over again.


• Dieter Brummer - former Home and Away acting genius got into some strife at the Crown Casino and has been charged with assaulting security. Home and Away, you're going to fucking Long Bay.


• Richard Williams - after years of attempting to murder SANFL football the prick has finally given it up. On behalf of all SANFL supporters I say thank fuck, don't come back you cunt.


• Matthew Lokan - has followed Tricky Dicky Williams' lead and announced his retirement from football on the grounds that he can't fit between the goalposts to pick up the footy to kick the ball back in. Watch this space, the bald headed chicken fucker will be on The Biggest Loser within two years, he's a fat fucken pig now, imagine what he's gonna be like after footy has ceased for the lardarse. A career as a Meatloaf impersonator awaits - so long as you can't sing for shit.


• Fuckwits who drive 10km under the speed limit in an 80km zone then drive at 75km in a 70km zone - drive into a fucken stobie pole, you give me the fucken shits.


• Anyone who got pinged DUI or speeding over the long weekend - fucken Port supporters just won't learn.


• Japanese Whalers - fuck off, no cunt believes that scientific research bullshit, the only thing you're researching is how much you can charge for whale in a fucken sushi bar. Fuck off out of our waters or we're gonna re-enact Hiroshima on ya, instead this time we're not gonna drop a "Little Boy" bomb, we're gonna drop Julia Gillard "the fat arsed Ranga sheila".


• The Crapvertiser SANFL team of the Year selectors - for selecting Nick "Vince" Gill and Ben Kane "Cornes". Are you cunts fucking kidding me? Gill looks like, and plays like, an epileptic one legged stork, and Ben Kane does more circle work than an Indy Car, but fuck all of it is near where the ball is.


• Mark Riccuito - in his AFL top 50 in The Crapvertiser, Roo(ted) named Scott "Dean Terlich" Thompson at number 22. You honestly think he was the 22nd best player in the league do you fucknut, you're obviously already an expert fertilizer salesman, you'll be selling dodgy cars without a licence next like your brother in no time.


• Cameron White - still says he harbours ambitions of playing in the Aussie One-Day side. Hahahahahahahaha, oh fuck, you mean he was serious? You really want to get back in the side? Then move to NSW, you can keep playing shit like you have been and you'll get a spot easy, worked for a fucken shithouse piechucker in Nathan Hauritz.


• Greek Civil Servants - went on a 24hr strike in protest over deeper austerity measures applied as the government struggles to avoid a default. How did anyone notice the fucken difference, souvlaki street vendor sales down? The Greeks need to start re-cycling to save cash - take a cue from Nick Giannopolous, he has been re-cycling the same wog jokes for 20 years.


• Craig Dean Raneberg - former Minter Ellison employee who reputedly pinched a shitload of dough from them did the scarper in July to Thailand but returned this week to Sydney to renew his Thai visa. Not surprisingly he was nabbed at Sydney airport and is in custody awaiting trial. Geez who would've thought, you fucken dickhead you could've at least tried wearing some of those shitty disguises Matthew Newton was wearing in Underbelly.


• Redbacks - for another choke. After posting a record 214 runs from their 20 overs, the Redbacks had the game in the bag, with one ball left, the currymunchers required a six to win. So what happened - you guessed right - bang, a fucking six!


• Ron Barassi - for whinging like a senile old cunt because Jimmy Bartel and Mitch Duncan dressed up as the Saint Kilda school girl slut and Ricky Nixon at the Cats' Mad Monday celebrations. Fuck off, Ron, get a sense a humour, it was deadset fucking funny.


• Sarah Palin - has announced that she won't run for President in 2012. Thank fuck she will be too busy hunting moose. Bullwinkle better watch out.


• Kyle Sandilands - the cunt has a lovechild. So which one is it, Kyle - Wang Wang or Funi?


• Mike Sheahan - you idiot. The dork named Dale Thomas (15) ahead of Stevie J (18) in his top 50 footballers. Even with a fucked up knee, Stevie J is better than Thomas. And how the fuck is Jimmy Bartel ranked number 20, just one spot in front of Heath Scotland??


• Minter Ellison - whinging that that their CFO, Craig Raneberg, had been ripping millions off them for years. Stiff shit, now you know how your clients feel.


• High Court - for ruling that Australian men don't have to have a penis. No shit, there were 22 dick-less blokes playing for Collingwood on the weekend.


• Michael Jackson - the freak told his doctor that he planned to build a children's hospital. No wonder his doctor killed the bastard.


• The goat that was filmed screaming like a man - what about that fat, old man at the MCG on Saturday that was filmed screaming like a goat.


• Stephen Conroy - dismissed talks of a leadership coup in the Federal Labor Party as "squeaky noise." Sure that wasn't Julia Gillard lifting up one of her big fat arse cheeks and squeezing out an air biscuit?


• Jason Biggs - turns out he and his wife hired a hooker. The AFL hired the same hooker to sing the national anthem at the grand final.


• Curry-eating contest in Scotland - two of the fucking weak Scottish bastards had to be rushed off to hospital. Send get well cards to Kenny Dalgleish and Andy Murray to the St Andrews Hospital For Scottish Cunts.


• Essendon's Josh Jenkins and Heath Hocking - for getting caught on-selling their AFL Grand Final tickets. You dickheads, that will be about as close as you ever get to playing in one.


• Ray Harries - the bloke from Utah who ate a live rat - how the fuck did you get through all of Kyle Sandilands, Ray?


• Luis Reveredo - the Peruvian soccer fan who has offered tickets to the Peru-Paraguay game as a reward for the return of his stolen dog. For fucksake, will Harry the fucking Chihuahua just give it up already. The little cunt would do anything for publicity, just like that other fame whore dog, Lara Bingle.


• Evangeline Lilly - the Lost actress admitted that when she was an air hostess she saved up all the gas she could and farted in the face of a passenger. This probably explains why Qantas air hostesses look like constipated, poe-faced fucking bitches - just let em rip ladies.


• Mick Malthouse - he's now offered his services to Cricket Australia. Fuck off, Cricket Australia already has enough egotistical cunts on its books.


• Frank and Louie - the American cat born with two faces. Australia has its own two-faced bitch - Julia Gillard.


• Liuz Costa de Oliveira - the 90 year-old farmer has 50 kids with four different wives. This is one fucking farmer that doesn't need a wife.


• David Miller - the 30 year-old New Yorker who robbed his father to buy pain-killing drugs to give him relief from "painful erections". The poor cunt has a disease called "priapism" which results him cracking a fat for 5 to 6 hours at a time - and has also resulted in him taking out countless eyes. Time to stop surfing porn sites, ya dumb cunt.


• The Big Day Out - for hiring Kanye West as its headliner. He was the only West available after Scott, Jim and Mae knocked back the gig.


• Laurie Holden - sold out his beloved Redlegs by refusing to make the effort to get back and watch them the day after the AFL GF. To quote a fellow Legs follower who he normally sits with at the footy "He is cunty the fuckarse Ewok ", "He's a cunt, a fuckin ankle". [L. Holden - the fellow Legs supporter and Chad Editor can each select one of two options: a) get fucked or b) fuck off. I am fucking deadset glad I wasn't there to witness that big steaming fucking turd that the Legs served up on Sunday. The fellow Legs supporter in question, aka Grenville, or using the Star Wars vernacular, Jabba the Cunt, has no fucking leg to stand on as he abandoned the Legs when Trevor "Benny" Hill was coaching the Legs - yep, he jumped ship like a fucking dirty rat when the going got too tough and spent the rest of the season in hibernation, playing scrabble with his fellow pandas, Wang Wang and Funi - there are double points to be had if you can complete the following - WEAK _UNT. The prick still owes me a fucking schnitzel from when Hill was finally sacked. So Jabba, stick another pie in ya fucking cakehole! As for the Chad Editor, aka The Bald Headed Chicken Fucker, or using the Star Wars vernacular, Handjob Solo, he should get himself a merkin and stop fucking chickens. And it is time to stop being Warren Partland's doppelganger - trying to emulate Warren's win from 20 years ago in the City to Bay a few weeks back was just plain stupid. You are not Warren - sure, you are bald, have a goatee and support beastiality like Warren, but that is where the similarity ends. And there is no need to get the shits just because Hawthorn choked against Collingwood like Harry O'Brien running scared out of defence.]


• West Adelaide - for even pondering the idea of enticing Brendan Fevola to play for them next year. That's just what Westies need, another pissheaded compulsive gambler, at least the pokies and bar takings should improve. Still, they have been looking for someone to bleed the club dry since Doug Thomas got the arse.