Week 22 winner

Fuck me, there were truly some exceptional nominations for this week’s Chad. It was a particularly big week for dogs. The World’s Ugliest Dog Competition coincided with the Korean Dog Meat Festival. The winner and runner-ups in the Ugly dog show spat the dummy big time when they realised their prize was a one-way trip to Korea. They kicked up such a stink that the festival was cancelled, which is a fucking shame because I know of a King Charles Spaniel that thoroughly deserved a spot at the festival.

The political arena was well served by the Greens, in particular the lovechild of Pauline Hanson and Johnny Young, Sarah Hanson-Young and her fantastic new portfolio, GLBTI. Her first initiative is to establish Glenelg as a GLBTI precinct. To assist in this process, the Glenelg Football Club will change absolutely nothing about the way they operate. I can’t wait for the first GTBLI rivalry round between Glenelg and Sturt, when they play off for the inaugural Tony Symonds-Jade Sheedy Platinum Butt Plug.

Warner Music and Essendon get special mentions for a couple of top-notch fuckwit acts. Warners have tried to trademark the term “Diggers” – you fucking low lifes, show some respect. Isn’t it enough that you inflict crap music on us? And Essendon, clearly trying to fund their trillion dollar coaching panel, have taken to charging community footy clubs for supplying footballs signed by Essendon players that would have been auctioned to raise cash for the struggling clubs. You fucking cunts. Given the form of the last 5 or 6 weeks, the karma bus has already pulled into Windy Hill.

But the clear winner of this week’s Chad Medal is Cricket Australia. It is just one fuckwit decision after another for this mob of dead shits. You would think after the Ashes debacle that CA (Cunt Act) would have made some significant changes to turn things around, starting with the selection panel. But for some unfathomable reason, Andrew Hilditch remains as Chairman of Selectors. The cunt. Ok, so maybe the cretin might see the error of his ways and start making some smart decisions. Ah, nup, think again. Firstly, Michael Clarke gets the gig as Test captain. Jesus fucking Christ, the prick would be lucky to hold onto his spot in the side given his appalling recent form. Plus he’s about as popular as bout of herpes. Pity he didn't pass them on to Lara. Then they make the bright decision to sack our most consistent batsman and one of the true hard nuts in the side, Simon Katich. Fuckwits. Who are you gonna replace him with? Philip Hughes? For fucksake, Hughes is a fucking smug little garden gnome who has scored bugger all runs in the last couple of seasons, not even for NSW!!! So it is pretty much the status quo with the selection panel – a bunch of fucking no-hopers with the collective nous of a mentally retarded nat. So that brings us to why CA was nominated this week. That dimwit, James Sutherland, has been banging on for years about the importance of Australia having a strong first class system that provides quality Test players. You would think that after being dry rooted by the Poms over the summer, that a greater emphasis would be placed on investing in the first class game in this country. A reasonably intelligent person would think that. But CA are neither reasonable or intelligent. No, they are bona fide fuckwits. Instead of investing more funds, they have pulled funds. They have reduced the state contract pool from $1.5 million to $1 million but at the same time have boosted funding for 20/20 cricket aka the Big Bash or more accurately, the Big Turd. Each franchise gets an additional $1 million. So they have totally contradicted themselves and clearly don’t give a rat’s arse about Test Cricket anymore. They are happy for mercenaries like Chris Gayle to come here and take our cash for about 3 overs of shit cricket instead of investing the money in developing decent Test cricketers. They are hellbent on destroying the game of Test cricket for the sake of the dollar. It is clear that by jumping on the 20/20 bandwagon, CA has become the lap dog of the Indian Cricket Board. So, James Sutherland, please accept this week’s Chad Medal. As chief lap dog, I’m pleased to announce that you will also receive a free ticket to next year’s Korean Dog Meat Festival and you are heavily favoured to win the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition. Congratulations and thanks for fucking up Australian cricket.

Round 22 Nominees

• People who stop you in shopping centres trying to sell you crap - look I realise you work on commission to make a quid but FUCK OFF. No, I don't want to buy a fucking puratap, have my picture taken, try on some fucking moisturiser, buy a new phone, get my gutters done, or rent a fucking treadmill. Just leave me the fuck alone you cunts.


• The fuckhead who ran on Footy Park - shock, surprise the fucking idiot that ran onto Footy Park is a dole bludger. Ya wouldn't have bet on that would ya, he seemed such an intelligent and articulate young gent when interviewed on tv after making a fuckhead of himself. As a result of him being a conscientious non-worker he only has to pay a bare minimum each week towards the $5000 fine he incurred, which when you think about it tax payers like me are in effect really paying for! You slimy little cunt. I can think of a way to recoup some of the money - harvest your organs, obviously there's no brain to take but I'm sure Hinchy or Larry Hagman would pay a few quid for your liver. Bernie Vince might pay some coin for a functioning heart too.


• Essendon Football Club - were asked by Watsonia South Auskick parents if they could donate something towards a fundraising raffle. The Bombers said no worries, we'll give you an autographed footy. A few days later Essendon made contact saying the footy is ready to pick up, it'll cost you $100. Not surprisingly the Watsonia South people said blow it out your arse you tight pack of cunts. And they would have returned the ball anyway when they realised that the only player to sign the ball was Brent Stanton.


• Ch9's "Embarrassing Bodies" - no not Billy Brownless but a tv show that documents and gives graphic inisight into people's disgusting mutations and body issues. Who the fuck wants to see some bloke get up on a counter and have some bird spread his arse cheeks apart like a fucken hotdog bun, or a young bird who can't stop pissing herself? Mind you the old lady who had a couple of growths on her head that looked like a pair of nads was gold.


• Neil Craig - has said the SANFL clubs need to stay open minded on the prospect of Cows and Powder ressies teams in their comp. The only thing a true SANFL fan would be open minded to after hearing that is which orifice to shove a size 12 into you dickhead.


• Lindsay Lohan - failed an alcohol test whilst under house arrest. Do you think she's trying to base her life around 'Angry Boys' rapper S.Mouse?


• Andrew Demetriou - "I get tested as well". Yeah and you tested positive to being a slimy, money grabbing, dishonest, two faced cunt.


• The Rhino that charged Terri, Bindi and Bob Irwin at Australia's Zoo - it stopped a metre short, god damn it - Bindi probably started dancing around like an epileptic High 5 member and scared it off.


• Channel 10 - aren't covering the footy after this year. The one reason people turn over to that shithole of a station and they get rid of it.


• Marksun Pty Ltd - online company marketed Chinese made ugg boots as being Australian made. The reason they got busted is the 'ugg boots' were made from black and white fur not wool. Finally a way to make some money out of those fucking pandas!


• Australia's Funniest Home Videos - since when was watching a 3yr old kid belting another 3yr old kid over and over funny? It's just showing what a feral little cunt the kid is and showing the parents videoing it are right up there with the McCann's as quality parents.


• People who backed Sam Stosur at $1.05 at Wimbledon - next time just burn it ya dopey bastards.


• Brett Duncanson - got a tad sooky after Liberal MP, and Michelangelo Rucci lookalike, Rob Lucas said Duncanson and Mark Haysman should get the arse and that Port's financial woes are self inflicted. Duncanson responded in between sobbing by saying it was "another distraction we didn't need" and after a meeting with Lucas "hopefully, Rob has left our meeting understanding the PAFC is working to the best interest of SA football - as a whole". Fair dinkum, Rob Lucas might look like he's a 6 cone a day man, but he's not a fucking imbecile. The only reason Port do anything is to benefit Port, you might want to put a cork in the (w)hole you call a gob, the volume of shit that's coming out is worse than the spittle from a Cornes brother at an interview.


• Rocco Leo - Agape (wasn't that Con the Fruiterer's daughters' name on the Comedy Company?) ministry leader/con artist has been caught after an exhaustive search by Fijian police of all the resorts, marinas, restaurants and rub and tug outlets around the area. Is this dickhead's name really Rocco Leo or did Freddy Mercury not cark it 30 years ago as we thought and has lived under an assumed name for all this time, because the resemblance is fucken uncanny.


• Agape cult members - for following Rockape to Fiji - did he promise you an all expenses paid holiday - in other words, you fucking imbeciles would pay all his expenses.


• Nick Xenophon - won't hold the balance of power anymore, boohoo poor Nick, I'm sure there will still be plenty of ambulances left for you to chase ya attention seeking git.


• Adelaide Crows - Ian Callinan has been dominating the SANFL comp for years and only just got a look in whilst fuckarses like Cook, Tambling, Douglas, Jaensch, Petrenko have been gifted a fucken game. Who's your recruiting officer - Ray Charles or Stevie fucken Wonder? Just goes to show how little attention the fuckwits actually pay to the SANFL.


• Supercoach points judges - Bernie Vince 136 points against Geelong? You must be fucking kidding me, you dumbfucks realise that just because he's playing like a busted arse that you still aren't allowed to include the stats he rings up in the fucken warm-up, cause that's the only way the cunt would have got to that total.


• ANZ Stadium Officials - left tent pegs in the ground which were discovered by players during the Swans v Pies game. Rays Outdoors come see what we've got - embedded in Jude Bolton's fucking kneecap.


• Mark Webber - came third in the Valencia GP after making a dumbfuck decision to pitstop. Webber graciously blamed himself for not finishing second - so did everyone else dickhead, you fucked up.


• Michael Rischitelli - Gold Coast on-baller who got a cracking clearance against the Western Bulldogs on the weekend, burst free from the pack, ran five metres clear, balanced, lined up his target......... and kicked the ball 50 metres in the wrong fucking direction, straight to a Dogs player who managed to wipe away his tears of laughter long enough to slot a goal. If that was Bernie Vince the supercoach fuckwits would've still given the pillow a score assist.


• Tony Abbott - did ya see the picture of him on a horse on the weekend, I thought it was a fucken camel riding the thing and thought the Moscow Circus are doing some fucken neat tricks these days.


• Greece – for being more financially inept than Port Adelaide. Apparently, Rucci is calling for a better stadium deal at the Coliseum.


• The World’s Ugliest Dog Competition – how come Lady Gaga didn’t win?


• Luke Jarrad – for soiling his shorts when he over-ran the ball when going for what was going to be his first contested possession in his SANFL career against South Adelaide on the weekend. Fucking pillow.


• AFL – for paying Meatloaf at least $600k to sing at the grand final. There are plenty of other fat bastards that could do the same job for a fraction of the price. For example, Scott Cummings, Billy Brownless, Amanda Vanstone.


• Meatloaf – why don’t you make like a bat and go to hell.


• Justin Sherman – is there a dumber footballer going around?? Stupid is as Sherman does.


• The state of music – it’s fucked. Beyonce, Rhianna, Lady Gaga, Kayne, Usher, Bieber, Pink, Katy Perry, James Blunt, Taylor Swift, Good Charlotte, need I go on?


• King Charles Spaniels – fuckwit dogs. They are the Bernie Vince of dogs – prissy little fucking arseholes who spend too much time preening their hair.


• Neil Craig – for a bad case of grasping at straws by lauding the Crows last quarter effort against Geelong. You fuckhead, no wonder the Crows outscored them, the Cats players left the ground at three-quarter time and headed to Cameron Ling’s pub for a frothy.


• Sarah Hanson-Young – for taking on the GLBTI portfolio for the Greens. GLTBI stands for Gay Lesbian Bi-sexual Trans-sexual and Inter-sexual. Since when was the Sturt footy club a federal portfolio?


• Caitlin Berry – for her quote in the Shitvertiser about classifying art: “It’s art, art is not like a movie or porn or anything like that”. In other words, it is not very good.


• Blokes haircuts – fair dinkum, what is wrong with a "short back and sides" or going bald or grey gracefully? Too many blokes are looking bloody stupid with their dyed hair and fucking comb-overs. Eg Mark Harvey, Mark Bosnich, every Crows player, Anthony Toop, Pat Cash, Brad Johnson.


• Stephen Rowe - for one of his dumbest comments yet - "Bernie Vince is back." Ease up, turbo.


• Stephen Rowe and Studley - for calling Crows pillow David McKay, "D-Mac". Pump the brakes, big fella. There is only one D-Mac - former NBL star, Daryl McDonald. Comparing McKay to McDonald is an insult. While McDonald played in 3 NBL championships, won a couple of League MVPs, was a regular in NBL all-star teams and played in the NBL until he was 45, McKay has done sweet fuck all.


• David McKay - for suggesting that Ian "Wing Nuts" Callinan's comment that the Crows need some mongrel meant playing with "an aggressive mindset". Fuck off idiot - by mongrel, Callinan meant going in hard for the ball and knocking a few blokes over in the process. F-Wit, you've come straight out of the Neil Craig School of Cockheads.


• Glenelg - for promoting itself as a gay and lesbian precinct. Makes perfect sense, as their headquarters are already on Brighton Road!


• The article in the Shitvertiser rating Woodville West Torrens as the best developers of AFL talent - what a load of shite. It is a massive case of quantity, not quality. How many Eagles players have played in an AFL flag - maybe one I'd suggest, Shattock at the Lions. The rest are pillow-biting nob jockeys.


• Wankers who voted for Mike Rann - less than 12 months later they are now calling for his head. You voted for him so stop whinging and shut the fuck up.


• U2 - they are about to release a new single. Come on, Bono, it is time to hang up ya boots. I remember you saying once that the moment you put out a crap album, you will quit - well, ya last 3 albums have been absolute shit - so do us all a favour and quit - or is it that you are just a greedy bastard now. Is that why you are dodging paying tax in your beloved Ireland, a country which is struggling big-time? Sticking up for the poor, my arse, you hypocritical cunt.


• The Korean Dog Meat Festival - the event, hosted by the Korean Dog Farmers Association to promote dog meat consumption such as barbequed dog, sausages and steamed paws, was cancelled due to numerous complaints, the most vocal being the dogs themselves. There is a similar event in Adelaide each weekend during the footy season hosted by the Crows and the Power at AAMI Stadium called the Dog Shit Festival.


• Laurie Holden - for the most retarded tipping selection in history - picking the Power to beat North Melbourne. Fuckwit.


• Mathew Primus - for having closed training sessions at the Power. Good one, fuckwit, as if any opposition club would want to steal your gameplan.


• Grunting female tennis players - just another reason not to watch women's tennis. God knows the noise Sharapova makes when she backs out a stubborn brown carpet snake.


• Miley Cyrus - Billy Ray has now inflicted at least three fuckwits on the world - Miley, his mullet, and Achy Breaky Heart.


• McCains - for recalling their Family Cheese and Bacon pizzas for being contaminated with metal. The pizza testers were even more fucking surprised to find some actual traces of bacon on the pizzas too. McCains, you've done it again.


• Warners Music -for trying to trademark the term "Diggers". What a fucking insult to our diggers. This would mean that noone could use the term "diggers" without Warners permission. How about you try trademarking this, Warners - "fuck off, dickheads".


• Rowey - he just opens his cakehole and dumb comments drop out. This time a pearler in describing the Crows' Michael Doughty - "he just gets better and better and better with age. He will be favourite to win the Crows best and fairest". Jesus, Rowey, if Doughty wins their B&F then even Matt Connell would return his piss-coloured jacket.


• Crims who can't spell - 4 fuckwits in the States got jailed for tattooing "Rapest" on a bloke named Stetson Johnston's forehead. Stetson (that name alone was surely grounds for tattooing "fuckwit" on his noggin) apparently asked one of the girls for a Wellington boot and she didn't take the suggestion particularly well. Look, if you weren't sure how to spell "Rapist", then you could have asked Stephen Milne, it is about the only word he can spell.


• AFL's $9 million grant to the SANFL - beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Of the $9 million, $6 million is going to the Power and the SANFL has repay it. Who is giving the SANFL financial advice - Greg Anderson??


• Roger Federer - for blowing a 2 sets to 0 lead over Jo-Wilfred "It's the same old" Tsonga. Roger, I told ya it was fucking dumb idea to take advice from Sammy Stosur.


• Scott Thompson - for this quote straight out of Craig Neil's book of lies, "there is no doubt we have the talent. We just have to get it together for 4 quarters." You knobhead.


• Cricket Australia - for reducing the contract pool for state cricket from $1.5 million to $1 million but at the same time have given $1 million each to the BigBash "franchises". Australian cricket is in more strife than the bank of Greece and the first class system badly needs an overhaul but these cunts at Cricket Australia don't give a rat's arse. They've joined the conga line of suckholes that sell the soul of what makes people passionate about their sport in the first place all in the name of the filthy lucre. You know it is a fucking retarded decision when even Jamie "I Like" Cox says it is fucked. Cricket Australia can go and go and get fucked.


• Marcos Flores - so you didn't leave United for the money offered in China? Gimme a break. I don't need to write a fucking letter to explain my thoughts, I can sum it with one word - "fuckwit".


• The Queensland woman who now claims that a baggage handler planted the drugs in Schappelle's boogie board bag - jesus, really? Haven't heard that one before. I'm waiting for Rucci to claim that it was the SANFL who planted the drugs. For fucksake, Schappelle got caught being very fucking stupid and is now paying the price. Get over it.


• Schappelle - for petitioning the Indonesian President to release her on the grounds of mental illness. I hear ya, Schappelle, I'm petitioning 5AA to release Rowey from his contract on the same grounds.


• Mark Riccuito - for saying that Simon "Mr Footy Punt" Goodwin is a "clear cut choice" to be the next coach of the Crows. Is that right, Roo? What has the prick achieved for you to come to that assessment, apart from being your best mate and business partner? The Bombers are doing really well, aren't they? The cut is about as clear as the cut from a blind, one-armed Indonesian butcher.


• Tasmanian teachers - they have been urged to re-think Tasmania's sex education programs. It might be a wise move to re-think chapter 1 - "nothing says lovin, like marryin ya cousin." And I'd avoid going to Steve Randell for advice again.


• Ninemsn - for this burning question, "What's Next For Lara Bingle?" That's a fucking tough question for Lara to answer - to swallow or not to swallow?


• Julia Gillard - for her picture in today's Chadvertiser, clearly demonstrating how she negotiates with Bob Brown - straight out of the Bingle playbook.


• Rucci - for the headline in his Rucci's Roast column, "SANFL integrity at stake". Fuck off, hypocrite. You have as much integrity as a politician selling used cars.


• Keith Conlon - for describing Hudsons Coffee as "no ordinary coffee". Yeah, Keith, it's not ordinary, it's fucking atrocious. They should rename it "Crudsons".

Winner - week 21

Fair dinkum. Professor Ross Garnaut and the rest of his boofhead mates can bang on about climate change until the cows come home but the far bigger environmental issue facing the world today is the increasing number of oxygen thieves out there. These fuckwits are putting a massive hole in the ozone layer by stealing our valuable oxygen. The evidence is irrefutable - just take a look at the number of nominations for the Chad each week. There are fuckwits everywhere - in politics, on football fields, on radio, on tv - their reach is boundless. So instead of a carbon tax, I'm advocating a fuckwit tax. Imagine the changes at 5aa or the Shitvertiser if they were both slapped with a fuckwit tax? And the AFL would have no choice but to sack Adrian Anderson and Demetripoo. So Julia, if you can take your nose out of your ears for a second and listen up - axe the carbon tax, and introduce the fuckwit tax - you know it makes sense.


There a quite a few fuckwits that would be heavily taxed this week. Greg Anderson is one. The ex-Essendon and Crows joke has been spruiking financial advice. Jesus christ, he's the Billy Ray Cyrus of financial planning. Fuck off, Ando, the only thing you are qualified to offer advice on is preening mullets. Then there are Canadian ice hockey fans rioting - it is just like the old joke, I once went to a fight and an ice hockey game broke out. Go and root a moose. And a fuckwit tax on Pakistan would solve most of the world's environmental problems - it is just one fuckwit act after another with the Pakis.


But the bloke who would be most heavily taxed this week is Stephen "Rowey" Rowe. This should come as no surprise to anyone. Rarely has a week gone by since the Chad was introduced that Rowey hasn't been nominated. He should receive a star on the Fuckwit Walk of Fame. I would argue that noone has been a more consistent cockhead than Rowey over the last couple of years. It is amazing that so much crap can come out of one person's gob. He makes Ryan Fitzgerald seem only mildly retarded in comparison. I guess that is why Glenelg gave him an assistant coaching role and 5aa gave him a plum spot on drive-time radio. Where do you start with this arseclown and the tripe that he sprouts off on a regular basis? Here are just a few examples of his outstanding fuckwit acts:

• thought there were 362 days in a year


• threatened to resign as assistant coach at Glenelg if Rubbers was sacked - that worked a treat, didn't it, ya dickwad


• wants to boof Neil Craig but on the other hand says the Crows gameplan is crap


• confused Juliet banjoes with Duelling banjoes


• works with Studley Cornes


• continues to blow wind up Chad's arse


• makes up fucking annoying sayings like "ease up turbo" and "pump the brakes, big fella". Try this one Rowey, "shut ya fucking piehole, wanker"


• makes up stupid fucking nicknames for players like "The Big Sauce" Sam Jacobs. You aint no Rex Hunt, Rowey. Try this nickname on for size, "Fuckhead"


• when interviewing players he obsessively uses their nicknames. Prime example was his intreview last year with Glen Jakovich when he said "Jacko" at least 48 times in a 1 minute interview


• asks guests on his show the most boring, stupid and cliched questions. I would have loved to have heard his interview with Jonathon Brown after he had his faced caved in earlier this season, "Jeez, Browny, it must have really hurt to have ya faced caved in, Browny, how did it feel, Browny? Did it hurt, Browny?" Brown's response, "Fuckwit".


• Squealed like a stuck pig when Sheeds rated Van Berlo as the AFL's worst captain. Good call, Rowey, Van Berlo has been outstanding.


• gave Derryn Hinch a spray about spreading rumours about Eddie McGuire - you dickhead, this comes after Rowey was sued once for spreading rumours about Eddie.


• squealed like a stuck pig when the ABC was given first rights to interview players after the SANFL grand final after 5aa did a Port Adelaide supporter and only turned up for the grand final after ignoring the SANFL for the rest of the year

These are just the tip of the Rowe iceberg - there are many more examples of what a fucking goose he is. Surely, it is time for 5aa to admit that they fucked up big time in hiring him and "pump the brakes" on Rowey's radio career. The prick has plenty of other career options, such as working in an Indonesian abbattoir or being Mike Rann's media adviser. Just stay the fuck off air. In the meantime, Rowey, you terminal fuckwit, please accept this week's Chad Medal, it is well deserved. And for fuck's sake, can you please remove your head from Chad's arse.

Round 21 Nominees

• Channel 7 - for thinking they have the right to stick a fucking microphone in a player/coaches' face at any stage of a football game. "So Rodney how do you think the boys are going ?"..."Well Tim it's the 2 minute mark of the first qtr and it's zero fucking zero so I'd say we're still in with a good show". Don't ya just want to see one player or coach say "if you don't get that fucking thing out of my face I'm going to ram it so far up your arse you're gonna end up sounding like Stephen Hawking you cunt."




• Neil Craig - had issues with Ben Hudson and Scott Welsh because they smoked cigarettes. Yet you condone someone like Bernie Vince who is a bona fide cocksmoker. Bernie is a six-packs-a-day guy too. Neil, double standards.




• Trudy Quinlivan - was found mentally unfit to stand trial for her role in the severe neglect of 5 young kids. Get fucked, you still know the difference between right and wrong. Being mentally unfit hasn't stopped Bob Katter from a long career in politics.




• Annette Hill - Yankee bag who is bringing the Universal Royalty Child Pageant to Australia. Yes let's do that, promote something that exploits young kids by dressing them up like a 17yr old streetwalker at the hands of pushy, lunatic parents who need a fucking bullet. They will be competing for the JonBenet trophy.




• Chad Cornes - well ya had a chance to prove to Primus you were next in line for a Powder spot and ya blew it ya fucken peanut. Chad's game against Centrals on Saturday could be best only described by the following words - absolutely fucking shithouse. The cunt ran himself that far into the pockets to get the ball he ran into the hotdog stand in the 3rd qtr. And those floating nothing passes were a treat, looked like you were kicking helium balloons. At least you gave the oval a good soaking. Retire fuckhead.




• James Sellar - hahahahahaha this prick is on an AFL list, mind you it's an AFL list run by Neil Craig. Note to James - if you're gonna indulge in planking like other fuckwits have done , it's done horizontally not vertically whilst standing in the middle of Elizabeth Oval wearing a Glenelg jumper you arsefuck.




• Holdfast Council - voted to spend $15000 of ratepayers money to take a couple to court because they put a shed in their yard. Wanna be politicians, fucken weasels. I wanna take Mike Rann to court for building that fucking desalination plant.




• Mark Mickan - coach of the year in the SANFL has finally paid the price for coaching a club that has built its reputation on being totally insipid. Poor old Rubbers, he's only carried on the tried and true traditions of the Glenelg Football Club - string your supporters along with some fairy bread footy players (eg Jordan McMahon, Mark Ruwoldt, Luke Pannozzo to name but a few) which manages to get you to the finals, then - to quote Heath Franklin's Chopper - FUCKEN BANG! Straight down the shitter, regular as clockwork, the metamucil of footy. Memo to Rowey who also got the chop - don't even think about returning to the Parade, ya fucking rock ape.




• New Zealanders - seriously, take some fucken elocution (or better still some electrocution) lessons, no bastard can understand you. At first, the accent is funny but then quickly becomes as annoying as listening to Julia Gillard recite poetry, "There was mooooovement at the staaaaaation, as the wooooord had got arooooooound..." Speaking of Gillard, her other half must be fair dinkum deaf.




• Adelaide Crows - I know it's getting repetitive, but it's still fucking funny, especially now that Craig Neil is using injuries as an excuse. Come one, Neil, you can't use the fact all of ya "exciting playing list" have pulled heart muscles as an exuse for them playing like busted arses.




• Andrew Chan - convicted heroin smuggler had his last appeal against the death sentence canned. You knew what the risks were, so fuck ya.




• The Bloke who got pissed on hand sanitiser - whilst in hospital for alcoholism drank 6 375ml bottles of hand sanitiser which had an ethanol content of 66% and gave him a blood alcohol reading of .271 . I thought Fev said he'd sorted himself out. At least his hands were fucking clean.




• Heidi Klum - Quote "I love it when the kids can go and eat sea urchin and the sea urchin is literally going like this (waving hands )". You might still be A-Grade bit of fluff but you might want to stay off the Cornelia Rau diet for a while ya nutter. I guess listening to Seal warble for 24/7 will do that to ya.




• Pakistan - After US intelligence ( there's an oxymoron for ya ) tipped off the Pakis about the locations of two bomb making factories in their country, the Pakis promptly tipped off the militants making the bombs, thereby allowing them to escape before the military arrived to apprehend them. Their excuse was they had to ask elders before entering tribal land. Any wonder why the Yanks didn't keep them in the loop when they went after Bin Laden?




• Patrick Dangerfield - for describing Neil Craig as a great football brain. Surely, you gest, Patty. If Craig is a great football brain then Bernard Finnigan is anorexic.




• AFL match review panel - fair dinkum it's gonna be illegal to sneeze soon, it's a joke that blokes like Mumford, Koschitzke and Kelly got reported for laying a fucking tackle.




• Essendon - how's that April flag sitting with ya know ya smarmy turds, as predicted the gloss has worn off and down ya go. I hope ya ears are burning Hirdy, we could all do with some extra heat at present.




• Patrick Ryder - Winona would go harder at the ball than you, ya lazy prick.




• Shafied Ullah - Afghani 'rogue' soldier who killed Aussie digger Lance-Corporal Andrew Jones got his comeuppance when he was killed in a firefight. On behalf of all Aussies we say - fuck you.




• Sri Lankan cricket team - allowed Ian Bell-end to score two centuries in three tests against them. They must have been bowling fucking pies for that gingernut to score a ton, let alone two.




• Josh Francou - quote "in leaving Chad Cornes in the SANFL, the Power is wasting a golden opportunity of using an impact player who can help change games in the blink of an eye. Cut him loose and reap the rewards." You're fucking kidding, have you been on the Ben Cousins diet? If you'd seen any of Chad's game on the weekend and blinked you would've missed his total contribution to the game. And the only thing he has an impact on is the state of the turf underneath him when he floods it trying to call for a cheap kick. I agree with the last sentence about cutting him loose and reaping the rewards, if Port cut him loose from their list they will reap the rewards of not having the cunt mooching around taking money under false pretences. 5aa is going to claim Chad under the father-son rule.




• Kitty Flanagan - she's hilarious, as funny as a Fred Basset cartoon. Her material is as thin as a Balfour's pasty. She has taken over the mantle as the least funny Flanagan from Dave.




• Airline food - serving a four day old cag on a plate does not constitute food you fuckwits.




• Male flight attendants - these cretins wouldn't get a game for Sturt.




• Restaurant buffets - for serving up oysters that have been sitting opened in a heated room for a couple of hours, yeah that's fucking appetising, I'd rather eat airline food.




• Greg Chappell - ya sacked Katich and kept Clarke, top move ya sour faced albino golliwog. I still remember 1981 prick and you still have the same level of integrity.




• Andrew Hilditch - see Chappell. How does this prick keep his job?? Katich has performed in a crap team yet he gets the arse and Hilditch has been as useful as a game of scrabble at Warren Tredrea's house yet keeps his job.




• Sam Stosur - the number one ranked Aussie women's tennis player proved again that the dearth of talent in Aussie women's tennis is as barren as Margaret Thatcher's iron curtains by her sensational effort in losing to a competitor ranked about 250 places lower then her. It is about time Sammy stopped taking advice from Glenelg.




• Jelena Dokic - who ate all the pies? Fair dinkum, she looked like she was better suited to grazing on the grass court than playing tennis on it. If Sam Stosur had displayed the same amount of guts that Jelena had falling out of her shirt then she might've won.




• Scott Stevens - expects the headaches, vomiting, nausea and poor vision to finish now he's retired. Funny, all the people who put up with watching you play footy feel the same way.




• Adelaide Zoo Pandas - fucken Jackie Chan and Hong Kong Phooey have cost the zoo millions and put them into more debt than Port Power. Time to learn some tricks - besides sleeping, eating and shitting to recover some of the money you've cost us, you mooching cunts. Given that they are black and white, is Rucci going to blame the SANFL for their financial woes?




• Glenelg Football Club - Kitty Flanagan might want to get material from them as they're a fucking riot to watch. They employ coaching goons like Choco, giggle Pat Mickan, hehe Stephen Rowe, hohohoho Peter Caven and haha Ken hahaha McGregor, better stop it I nearly pissed myself. Pick fairies and mercenaries like heehee Turd Grima, hehehehe Jordan McMahon, Kane "Give me space" Tenace, Luke Pannozzo hahahahahaha, ah fuck just made a mess. They crumble under pressure like a soggy sao, their supporters give up quicker than the French Army, they've had less success than Warren Tredrea's speech therapist, they produced 3 Cornes'. Seriously do ya need any more reason why they got nominated?




• Mark "Robbo" Robinson - for having the temerity to tell Dane Swan not to be a smart-arse. Jesus, talk about the pot calling the kettle a cunt. Robbo, your whole career as an alleged journalist has been based on being a smart arse!




• Stephen Rowe - for saying that as a coach, Nathan Bassett wouldn't blow wind up Neil Craig's arse. Yeah, Rowey, you are spot on - it is impossible to blow wind up Craigy's arse because Stephen Trigg is chocka block up him.




• Martin Crowe - for contemplating a return to first class cricket. Just because you can still smack a Ewan Chatfield short-ball for six in a game of backyard cricket does not mean you should make a comeback.




• Bernard Finnigan - can you please explain your absence from Parliament in recent months? By the looks of ya, you've done no exercise and have spent too much time in front of a computer.




• Shane Bond - the ex-New Zealand fast bowler has released a book. I didn't know that fast bowlers could write. And really, who gives a shit about a bloke who played test cricket for NZ. Maybe this is the first in a series. Personally, I can't wait for Martin Sneddon's autobiography, titled, "I Couldn't Bowl For Shit But I Could Sure Shag A Sheep Off A Short Run" or Brian McKechnie's long-awaited memoir, "Greg Chappell Was A Cheating Cunt and Other Assorted Stories."




• Brent Harvey - for denying that Dermott Brereton's recent comments had no bearing on him hand-balling to a team-mate for the first time in his 300-plus game career when he was on the run, just 20 metres out from goal. Yeah, Boomer, ya just suddenly became unselfish. Good one dickhead.




• Richard Wilkins - for touting himself as a movie critic. You fucking peacock, you have no credibility. It is like Jordan McMahon touting himself as a footballer.




• Amy Winehouse - so the re-hab worked a treat, did it, luv?




• Ryan Dunn - can't wait for the next episode of Jackass...




• The Antarctic penguin that took a wrong turn and ended up in NZ - you poor bastard, I hope you have ear-plugs.




• Canadian hockey fans - for rioting after the Vancouver Kanucks lost 4-0 in the Stanley Cup to the Boston Bruins. Understandable given that the referees were Richard Williams and Colin Rowston. Just imagine if Crows supporters had the same passion!




• NME readers - for voting Wacko Jacko as the greatest singer of all-time. He just pipped Stephen Kernahan, who was nominated for his outstanding version of Stand By Your Man, recorded the morning after the 1987 VFL grand final.




• Fuckwits calling for AFL players to wear grid-iron helmets - if Adrian Anderson starts talking about then we know it's gonna happen.




• Greg Anderson - apparently he's a financial expert now. Any idiot that takes financial advice from this mulleted numbskull deserves to go broke.




• Luke Jericho - the Norwood player tweeted that he was annoyed about having to play footy on a public holiday. The first person to respond was his coach, Nathan Bassett, who promptly told him to "harden the fuck up". You fuckwit, Jericho, I'd say that with some of of your soft efforts in the past that you would take every opportunity to cement your spot.




• John Farnham - for not only being a fat cunt who bleats like a sheep and has a long-running mullet competition with Greg Anderson, but for being really, really shit at maths. When asked about his age he said, "I'm 63, I was born in 1949." Ah, Whispering Jack, you fuckwit, that would make you 62, at most. I guess ya memory is fucked and explains why you keep wheeling out farewell tours that noone wants except senile old grannies.




• Gary Fila, Colin Rowston and Richard Williams - anyone present at you're fucking display of ineptitude at the recent game between Centrals and Glenelg could only describe you in one word - cunts.




• Monsignor David Cappo - for flying business class on overseas trips in his position as Social Inclusion Commissioner and Mike Rann Travel Buddy. His excuse is that he is 185 cm tall. Have you heard of the exit seats, fuckwit? You're a man of the people, Monsignor Cunt.




• Stephen Rowe - for saying there are a 362 days in a year. Wanker. You are a fuckwit 362 days a year - the other 3 days you are a cockhead.




• Caro Wilson - please refrain from discussing anything about the SANFL, a subject you know absolutely nothing about - so shut ya cakehole. Why is it that the less you know, the more you say, you scrag?




• Daniel Motlop - Dropped from the Powder hahahahahahahaha. Motlop, Motlop, what ya gonna do, what ya gonna do when they de-list you.




• The bloke who hid in a shithouse tank - American (fuck me who would've thought) sicko hid in the tank of a portable dunny at a yoga festival. He eventually emerged covered in human waste and slipped away. Well would you try and stop the cunt?




• Yoga - it is such a fuckwit of an activity that a bloke would rather hide in a dunny full of shit than than sit through a whole festival of this fair dinkum hippy crap.



• Bernie Vince - for his tweet "They rate me." in reference to the Bulldogs using Liam Picken as his tagger. Yeah, Bernie, we rate you too - as an a-grade fuckwit.



• Brett Ebert - for being pictured in the Shitvertiser holding a copy of a book on Albert Einstein. That is fucking ridiculous - the best of Specky Magee would have been a more appropriate book.


• Eilish De'Avalon - the self-proclaimed witch who after being sentenced to jail for two months said, "I decline your offer, your honour." Well, Eilish, I'd like to offer you a nomination in this week's Chad Medal - you truly are an outstanding fuckwit.

Round 20 Winner

The winner of week 20 of The Chad Medal is American tourists. They're loud, obnoxious, full of shit, and full of their own self importance. And that's just in their day to day lives. Have you ever been near these fuckwits when you've been on holiday? If you have you'll know what I mean when I say it's about as enjoyable as watching The View on tv with the volume blaring.

For fucksake, the rest of the world knows they've got them by the knackers militarily ( or do they? Is it all bluff and bullshit? The Chinese would fuck them up if it came down to a one on one stoush ), they don't need these arsenuts telling them constantly how fucking good they think they are. It's funny though, the dickheads that most extoll the virtues of the USA USA ( ahhh shut the fuck up ) on holiday are usually the fattest, loudest, stinkiest, most - my ma and pa were brother and sister but it didn't affect me none - fuckers you would ever want to meet. So what propaganda are they really peddling, someone in our country could blow you up, but we'll never get to see it because we'll die of fucking heart disease and inbred genetic defects by the time we're 40. Go to any tourist resort and ask the people who work there and the other visitors who gives them the shits the most and I'll bet ya more often than not it's the fucken yanks. Most people on holiday like to quietly rest and relax. these fuckwits think it's great to sit 20m from each other and squeal like wild fucking pigs at each other about fucking nothing. How about you discuss in a calm, rational manner about some of the things that make America the nation it is today - high unemployment, racial tension, incompetent economic mismanagement, political buffoonery infidelity and corruption, morbid obesity and rampant,ignorant stupidity.

So American tourists win this installment of The Chad Medal this week. They are loudmouthed dumb cunts,more genetically defective than even Port supporters, take your award and shut the fuck up for christs sake.

Round 20 Nominees

• Melbourne Football Club - fucking pathetic effort against Collingwood, the pies never got out of 2nd gear and smashed em by 88pts.

• Adelaide Football Club - hahahahahaha different week,same shit. Fucking funny though. When the newspaper dickheads are extolling the virtues of Jared Petrenko as a positive you know you are completely fucked.

• Rodney Eade - met the Dalai Lama this week and gave him a footy, for fucksake give the cunt something useful like a voucher to advanced hair or Ed Harry.

• Harry O'Brien - see Rodney Eade

• Australian Cricket Selectors - you are a bunch of fucken mindas, Simon Katich's thinly veiled inference that you are a useless bunch of fuckarses was right on the button.

• SA Liberal Party - thought you were against the Adelaide Oval upgrade, but now you're voting for it. Politics in this state are fucking rooted, the government are fuckwits and the opposition couldn't hit sea if they shit over the side of a ship.

• Andrew Brigden - Tory MP and married father of two thought it was a good idea to get ratarsed and maul a political aide. At least it wasn't a yankee pollie for a change.

• Baba Ramdev - Indian yoga guru on a hunger strike against corruption in the Indian political system. This fuckwit, who incidentally is reputedly worth about $100 million ( or 100,000,000,000,000,000 rupees ), has formed a campaign called Bharat Swabhiman with 5 main goals 1) 100% voting 2) 100% nationalist thought 3) 100% boycott of foreign companies 4) 100% unification of the people of the nation 5) 100% yoga-orientated nation. You fucking wanker how about five goals that might improve things in the country like 1) 100% learning of where the fuck they are going when driving a taxi 2) 100% use of deodorant 3) 100% removal of the caste system that keeps India at the world forefront as one of the leaders as a socially divided,racist society 4) 100% institution of a national work ethic 5) 100% removal of shonky fucken bookies that are fucking the game of cricket up

• Japanese tea producers - recalled their green tea after testing discovered excess radiation was found in much of the crop. What, the fact that it was lime green and glowing didn't give it away before the testing ya fuckwits?

• Kyle Sandilands - the fucken oxygen thief had his 40th birthday, what a cunt, where's some dodgy German bean shoots when you need them?

• Mark Riccuito - at his induction into the AFL Hall of Fame chose to use his speech to implore the AFL to not cut funding to country footy. But it's ok to fuck the SANFL comp in the arse is it you fuckhead?

• Dalai Lama - the supposed spiritual leader of Tibet has come to Australia and made an arse of himself. Where in the teachings of Buddha does it mention letting fuckwits pour pasta over your head for a newspaper promo shoot?

• The Chad Medal Editor in Chief - for paying a doctor ( at least he told me he was ) good money to neuter him. Why pay money to let some fucker de-knacker you, as most married men would testify, your wife generally manages to accomplish that without the need for needles and scalpels.

• The dickhead who ran on Footy Park - fuckwit features ran on to Footy Park after his mates offered him $500 to do it. Now if I'm not mistaken the fine for running on the oval is $5000 so it would appear you're gonna be a bit out of pocket doesn't it you fucking einstein? You dumbfuck.

• The Crows 'supporters' who left Saturdays' game against West Coast at half time - that's just what the club needs to get it back on his feet, weak as piss supporters who put away their knitting needles in a huff and fuck off. Crows supporters are the least knowledgeable and most ignorant supporters in the league so it's not a great shock that the terms fairweather and weak as fucking piss can be just as appropriately applied.

• Lisa Roet - apparently is referred to as an artist. Her latest creation - a giant ape finger. Well you've sold me, I'll take fifty you fuckarse. Warren Tredrea may sue you though for a likeness copyright infringement.

• Natasha Giggs - sister in law and casual root of 8 years of Man Utd swinging dick Ryan Giggs revealed she aborted their lovechild two weeks before she married Giggs' brother. S L A P P E R.

• German aeronautical designers - obviously the Hindenberg is tucked away in the German archives ( together with information about the years 1940-45 ), because the dickheads haven't learnt too much about zeppelin making as another zeppelin went arse up recently killing the pilot. Ich bien fuckwit.

• International Boxing Hall of Fame - inducted Sylvester Stallone for playing the role Rocky Balboa. You do realise that it's just a movie right? Also inducted Mike Tyson for his services to mentally challenged, squeaky voiced, cannibalistic sex offenders.

• Mark Riccuito - earns a second nomination for his mid year revue of the Crows where he gave their wonder skipper Nathan Van Berlo a B. I'll give you a B for that revue Roo, B for Bull fucking crap.

• American tourists - ya don't have to advertise that you're a fucking yankee doodle dickhead by being a loudmouth fuckwit walking around the beach carrying your fucking iPads. Green Day were right - American Idiot.

• MMM - for resurrecting the radio career of one of the least funny people to have walked this earth, the fat fucking golliwog Cosi. SAFM got it right when they shitcanned him from their morning show stating "you're not funny ". Bingo, so MMM's decision to let the fuckwit back on the air is as stupid as keeping Andrew Hilditch as chairman of selectors.

• Dannii Minogue - for attempting to give people singing advice. Hahahaha you tone deaf tupperware tart the only reason you got a recording contract was because of your sister, the sound of you singing equates to a cat being disemboweled whilst being dragged behind a fucking car by its throat.

• Harold Camping - 89 year old radio preacher predicted the world would end last month, which was wrong incidentally, then promptly went and had a stroke. If the old cunt was any good at predicting upcoming events he would've seen that coming wouldn't he?

• Abu Bakar Bashir - gotcha cunt. The prick got sentenced to 15 years imprisonment, 10 years for terrorism and 5 years for copyright infringement for being an unlicensed imitation of Rocky from the Rocky and Bullwinkle show.

• Salman Qanbari - Iraqi asylum seeker who sewed his lips together in protest at the treatment he has received by the Aus Govt, he wants to go home. On ya bike then cunt, which rickety old boat did you arrive on, we'll stick you back on tomorrow.

• Housing SA - spent $80,000 renovating a trust house which has since been condemned and will have to be knocked down. The most frivolous waste of money since the last Port Power bailout. When asked for comment, Housing SA said it was the SANFL's fault.

• Ryan O'Neal - for the second time failed to recognise his own daughter and tried to crack on to her. Sweet Home Alabama, hand over the moonshine Cletus.

• Campbell Brown - Gold Coast mercenary fuckwit who has said that he'd be disappointed if he's not made the target of verbal or physical attack in this weeks' game against his former team Hawthorn. The only thing they'll do to you is fucking laugh at you as they're kicking goals over your head you arsenut. Gold Coast have also tried to pick Campbell's brain about any information he could tell them about the Hawks. Fair dinkum they must be desperate, that's like trying to pick the meat from a fucken Coles chook. The only thing they would've found in that wankers head would be a pile of mouseshit.

• Collingwood Football Club - took a few of their players to Arizona to help get them fit for the second half of the year,defender Nathan Brown did his knee hiking. Fuckwits.

Round 19 Winner

The winner of Round 19 of The Chad Medal is John Farnham. He wins it because the mulletted old bastard is making another fucking comeback after teasing the public into thinking we'd heard the last of him besides on the odd Carols by Candlelight or Hey Hey special. You've made your money and whilst not my style, you've kept a lot of people happy over the years, granted most of them in the 80-120 year old demographic but each to their own.But for fucksake leave it, retire you geriatric old fart and stay in retirement, for fucking good this time.

Perhaps the thoughts of a long-suffering nation could best be described in an interpretation of one of your 'hits' You're the Voice -

We thouuuught

We were rid of you foreeeever

But you came back again

Ripping off more cash from silly old duuuuuuucks

Why don't you just fuck off

You greedy old cuuuuuuunt

How looooong do we have to put up wiiiiith

Your latest money-making stuuuuuuunt

You're a prick try and understand it

Just fuck off is that real cleeeeear

Fuuuuuuuuuck oooooooooooff

We're not gonna sit in silence

With our bleeding eeeears

Just fuuuuuuck ooooooooff

Surely

Glen Wheatley's paid his debts ooooooff

You can both shut your pieholes

The world iiiiit would be much betteeeeer

Faaaaaaaark

Why don't you retire

You greedy old cuuuuuunt

Listeniiiiiiing to your shit again

I wish I was a deaf and dumb munt

You're a prick try and understand it

Just fuck off is that real clear

Fuuuuuuuuuuck ooooooooooff

We're not gonna sit in silence

With our bleeding eeeeeeeears

Fuuuuuuuuuuck Ooooooooooooff

Faaaaaarnsey

You're making us all vomit

With you're publicity stuuuuunt

How maaaaaaaaany more comebacks are theeeere

Before you go for good cuuuuuuunt

You're a prick, and John you know it

Hear this noise it's crystal clear

Fuuuuuuuuuuck Oooooooooooooff

How much cash are you gonna rip off

Senile piss stained old deeeeeears

Fuuuuuuuuuck Ooooooooooff

( repeat until end of song or until the old prick makes his next comeback )

Round 19 Nominees

• Essendon FC - named Mark McVeigh as captain for the game v Melbourne. Ya wouldn't have thought this was a wise choice as the cunt spends more time preening himself than a poodle with an itchy dick.. Any wonder they got rolled by 5 goals?

• Ita Buttrose - the female equivalent to Kenny Callender has put forward the suggestion that a quota of females be imposed upon the boardrooms of businesses. Quote Ita " it tells them that women will not go away, that women's voices in the boardroom have a right to be heard " . Of course they have a right to be heard - will that be white with two Mr. Chairman?

• Non Beer Drinkers - beer consumption is at its lowest in 62 years whilst wine consumption rose, pull ya fucken finger out cunts, order a fucken stubby, not a chardy.

• Umemployed bums - a recent survey determined that one reason people remain unemployed is a fear of failure. Get fucked, the main reason is they're bone idle, lazy, mooching cunts.

• Andrew Pearce - former radio producer who has been stung with sex offences charges against 12 and 13 year old boys dating back to the late 1970's. Ya filthy prick, and ya get an extra vote for being Cornesy and KKKKKKG's producer and helping keep the fuckers on air.

• People who put the wrong fuel in their cars - you are dumbfucks, if you're than stupid you can't put the right fuel in your car you shouldn't be allowed to own one. Hmm what do I put in my car today, I normally put in unleaded but this diesel stuff must be the same surely. Dickheads.

• The S.A.C.A. - they outright refuse to give locals a gig, the latest being a snub of Jason Gillespie as bowling coach. They've got more imports in their system than the English test team. Note to Jamie Cox - fuck off.

• Paris Hilton - " am I gonna be working with, like, convicts and, like prisoner people? Because of a little incident in Las Vegas last year, I have to do 200 hours of community service and it really sucks ". Well Paris, like, you were the one that fucked up, like, so you do the crime, like, you do the time you stupid mole. And having seen your home video it's not just community service that sucks,.

• Jyrah Muller - 14 year old kid punched an umpire, got 5 years suspension, and thinks the sentence is too harsh. He had already been reported 4 times this season and pleaded guilty this time to spitting, striking, and abusive language. Quote fuckwit - "not good work man haha hell regret it ay because now I can't play footy for about 5 to 10 years. I can't play till I'm 20, that's fucked " . I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict by the time you're 20 the only footy you'll be kicking will be inside fucking Yatala ya fucking little animal.

• Roger Richards - father of Jyrah Muller who said 5 years suspension for his kid was too harsh and wiped out his chance at a career. What fucking career, car jacker, burglar, or armed robber?

• The 30 year old woman who tried climbing over a high fence around a church in Melbourne at 2am and impaled herself - puts a new spin on the term pole dancing doesn't it?

• John Edwards - former US Presidential candidate is being indicted on conspiracy, illegal campaign contributions and making false statements charges, most of which coincided with him attempting to cover up an affair and resulting lovechild he had whilst his missus was battling with cancer. American pollies are class acts aren't they? The next scandal to come out will be a sex tape of Sarah Palin and the moose in the opening credits of Northern Exposure.

• The Sunday Mail - for giving a column to Lucy Cornes who gives us such social commentary as how much she loved her now dead dog. Fucking riveting.

• Anthony Weiner - US congressman and wanna be New York mayor has been busted lying about sending pictures of himself in various stages of undress to young females via twitter. He denied it, claimed his account had been hacked into, then realised he was fucked so admitted he fucked up via a press conference full of tearful dribble and remorse that seemed less believable than Bill Clinton's "I did not have sexual relations with that woman "speech.

• Mark Riccuito - conducted his own half yearly review of the Power today, and was about as hard hitting as a Danyle Pearce hip and shoulder. Also managed to give Chad Cornes an A for effort. For fucksake it's not year 6 footy where everyone gets a medal for playing. I'll give you an A for that article Roo, an A for Arsefuck.

• Steven Trigg - " we're not in denial ". hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha fuckwit.

• Ryan Giggs - not long after it came out that the married Giggs had rooted a former reality show contestant, the cunt has outdone himself after revelations he has been putting one in the back of the net of his brother's missus for the last 8 years.

• Mr. and Mrs. Giggs - they named their other son Rhodri, no wonder his missus went elsewhere for a root, she must've felt like she was banging something out of the Chelsea Flower Show.

• Cunts who are blaming the SANFL for everything going wrong - predominantly Port maggotts but I have heard a few Crow ponces having a crack at their stadium deals ( which they had no input into? ) and how much better the Victorian teams have things. Boo fucking hoo, when are these cunts going to accept the SANFL is not responsible for all the woes of the world and to take some fucking responsibility for their nest having a steaming great ostrich turd in it. What else do these fuckers want to blame the SANFL for - punching out Kevin Foley in the dunnies of a Gouger St nightclub? global warming? recruiting shit players like James Sellar, Brad Moran, Richard Tambling and Matthew Jaensch? reappointing choco then having to pay the fuckarse out when he didn't finish out his contract? shooting JFK? drowning Harold Holt? taking Azaria Chamberlain ? giving Shoaib Akhtar genital warts? instituting workchoices and the failed insulation scheme? selling tainted cucumbers? get a grip ya fucken wankers.

• Jesper Fjeldstadt - Time to put away the beads and upgrade to a fucking calculator dickhead, this 'journalist' tried to insinuate that if the AFL were to re-purchase Port Adelaide's licence back from the SANFL , that the AFL would need to pay 10 times the annual profit, or in Port's case $4 million. Pardon? You obviously put less time into maths at school than your parents did coming up with a name that would've gotten you numerous floggings as a kid, as unless I'm mistaken, 10 times an annual loss of $2.5 million does not equal $4 million. Your apprenticeship under that master of shite Rucci is nearly at an end, you are emerging as a fuckarse in your own right. The AFL should wind up the abortion that is the Port Adelaide Football Club, but not before they charge every Port supporter, all 300,000 of them, half of their fortnightly dole cheque to reimburse the non Port long suffering football followers who have had to put up with the tripe they play every week.

• Mark McVeigh - On top of being the biggest self promoting arsewipe since former Bulldogs captain Lucille Darcy, McFuckwit will now not only go down ( but that's another story ) as one of the worst players to have played 200 AFL games, but is a shoe-in for the worst captain in the history of the Essendon Football Club, and with the possible exception of Nathan Van Berlo, of any club anywhere. Many of the 53,000 crowd last friday night mistakenly believed McFuckwit was given the captaincy for the night as it was to be his last ever night of shame in an Essendon guernsey, but to the sheer horror of thousands of bomber fans and millions of football fans Australia wide, he signalled his intention to continue torturing everyone with his substandard, peroxide stained she-male performances. Apparently his brother Jarryd from the swans shaves his head and grows a beard in an attempt to convince people he is no relation to the Essendon pillow-biter. When quizzed about him having a brother, Jarryd now responds that he is the brother of US psychotic killer Timothy McVeigh as it is less embarrassing to the family.

• Kane Cornes - In the latest installment of the Port Adelaide goon show Matt Thomas was given the job of minding Chris Judd, leaving the younger of the 2 oral sprinkler brothers, aka the Saint Bernard, aka Beethoven, Kane Cornes to try to negate the influence of Marc Murphy. Murphy escaped the Beethoven drool and fleas, much like his brother Chad escaped ellocution lessons as a child, right from the opening bounce, gathering 32 disposals ( 14 contested, where the fuck were you then Kane, thought you were supposed to be sticking to him like shit to a blanket) , 6 clearances, 2 score assists and a goal to be one of the most damaging players on the ground. This rendered spittle boy as useful as stepmum Nicole as a contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, or as an ALP candidate in the Federal election. You've got to give it to him though, he's as least been consistent over 200 odd games of AFL footy, consistently shit. Unfortunately his legacy will not retire with him as his proteges - Brett 'ice skates'Stanton and Bernie 'how's my hair boys' Vince have carried on his seagullian traits ( otherwise known as Connell-Knights syndrome ) with great aplomb, together with their ability to run shrieking like a girl at the slightest hint of contact.

• David Beckham - for announcing his thoughts/intentions of getting a tattoo on his dick. The vain cunt will probably get the tatt of himself, but if he had any sense of history he'd get wife Victoria's name inked on little David and follow it up with an accompanying Prince Albert.

• Justin Beiber - compared himself with Kurt Cobain. Well you're both fuckwits granted, but that's where the comparison ends junior. However, if you decide to do the world a favour and blow your head off like Kurt did, I would be gracious enough to admit the similarity.

• Bob Katter - announced he was starting his own political party, and at the launch stated " he will keep the bastards honest ". Well done Bob, very original, the estate of Don Chipp will be in contact soon to sue for copyright infringement. As will the producers of 'Dallas' as you've ripped your image off Larry Hagman's JR Ewing ya thieving old prick.

• Sonny Bill Williams - wants to be regarded as a serious boxer, but the lardarse he pummelled in his latest fight looked like he'd done his pre-fight training in KFC. Right out of the Anthony Mundine book of fighting duds to make your career record look better than it should.

• John Farnham - fuck me the old prick is making another comeback. You're a cunt try and understand it, shut the fuck up, is that real clear, ohohohoh, you bleeeeating mulleted old cuuuunt.

• New Zealanders - your accent is shut bro, you're generally retarded beyond comprehension, and you keep coming over here to try and pinch our jobs. Stop rooting kiwis, sheep and your rellies and you might improve your gene pool, maybe not the Snedden family, but the rest of you can't get any fucken worse.

• The Linear Park flasher - this fat pig rode his bike past a young woman 4 times on Monday arvo, flashing her each time. Your a filthy cockroach for a start, but how did ya manage to hold your fat gut up for long enough to whip down your trackies whilst still riding your bike? One slip and you're a soprano flubberguts, mind you it's probably best for all a fuckwit like you doesn't ever get the chance to breed.

• Dale Lewis - remarked in his column in The Crapvertiser ( fuck me they have dickheads writing for them ) that North Melbourne young gun Andrew Swallow wouldn't be in the top 100 players in the AFL. To all you young kiddies, take a good look, if you ever wanted to see an example of how brain cells are damaged by long term excessive alcohol consumption, there's the poster boy.

• David Bleby - retiring Supreme Court Justice and former lawyer has stated that he believes lawyers should focus on serving their clients, not purely earning money. You fucking hypocrite.

• Jake O'Dell - set fire to his neighbour's dog and got off the charges in court. You cunt, the karma train is coming and will be stopping off at your station you fucking shitball.

• Warren Tredrea - quote fuckarse " It is time our AFL clubs bit the bullet and fielded teams in the SANFL ". " We are proud of our local competition, the SANFL. That has been the best state league since the VFL became the AFL but the question has to be asked - what does this mean if it's hurting the development of our AFL clubs'youngsters? Given what is at stake, the SANFL clubs have to accept change and do what's best for SA footy. Far from hurting the state league competition, it will add a new interest level. More SANFL curtain-raisers can be programmed before AFL matches and more fans will go, meaning more money ". " Having their own teams in the SANFL would also enhance the development of our AFL and SANFL coaches ". Quote me " go fuck yourself you giant ignorant, arrogant dick with ears. You wouldn't know if your arse was on fire so don't try to lecture the SANFL clubs about what they should or shouldn't do. Go and get fucked".

• The woman who gave methodone to her 5 year old son resulting in his death - you are fucking scum.

• Bernard Finnigan - thanks for showing up to parliament for a few minutes fatso, where have you been? Got something to hide porky?

• Ricky Nixon - don't think that anyone's been fooled by that stupid mole retracting her story, you're still a liar,a deviate and a wanker, and as dishonest as a Robert Mugabe run election. Quote rockband The Choirboys " guilty, guilty as charged ".

Round 18 Winner

This weeks winner has gone very close in recent weeks to snaring a Chad, so it is gratifying to finally award the medal to Michelangelo Rucci.

Rucci has constantly proved himself to be as balanced a journalist as Steady Eddy on the fucking uneven bars with his shit laden vitriol about Port Power. He is a fucking embarrassment, if this cunt is regarded as the number one football journo in this state it is no wonder that the other states laugh their fucking tits off at South Australia. He actually thinks that the rest of Australia give a shit about SA, or of even less importance, the fate of his beloved Port Power, and he thinks that anyone in SA not just Port people - yes both of them - should embrace them and not hope that the cunts wallow in the big pile of shit they have created. He demeans all South Australians when he loads up his editorials, published in the guise of unbiased newspaper articles, about how Port play any meaningful part in the success of the AFL competition, or how the financial woes that the useless dildos have brought upon themselves are everyone elses fault but their own, or why Port have any right to be bankrolled so they survive. Well fuck you Rucci you slimy congealed piece of pig vomit, you are a cancerous polyp on the anus of Australian football and hopefully you go the way of your wonder team, straight down the fucking gurgler.

So why did he win? He's a cunt, end of story. So Rucci here's your fucking medal, why don't you try taking it down to crime converters and make a few quid for that fuckarse team you so blindly support. You're a bona fide fucking dickhead.