Round 26 Winner

Not even going to bother with nominations this week. You know why? The fucken South Australian cricket team, the mighty Deadbacks that's why. You reckon they were shit last year, well wait there's more. Remember watching the Shield win back in the 90's? Remember when they could actually play decent cricket?  A long long time ago, I remember how the cricket used to make me smile, they had a fresh chance, to make their supporters dance, and maybe make them happy for a while. Anyway , enough Don McLean ripoffs, back to the real world where they're still a fucken joke of a team.When a mate recently asked me what would I do with the mighty red backs, I responded with I'd do something, but it would involve a fucken elephant gun. All they have displayed is a huge steaming pile of gutless, insipid bullshit. It's garbage, and unfortunately it's obviously ingrained in the culture . They're used to being shit and have obviously come to accept that being a laughing stock is part and parcel of the job, but as long as you still get your pay check right fellas? I'm fucken sick of it, watching them makes me want to fucken vomit. So what's the answer? We can all talk about restructuring the grade system, limiting second rate imports, etc etc but until they start to show that they hate losing and want to fight all the other crap  is irrelevant. You know the sort of bloke the need to put in charge - someone like Idi Amin. You get a chance, you make a complete fucking hash of it you get chopped up into little bits and fed to the pet croc. A little out there I will admit but anyone else got a better idea?
So take your Chad Medal, and your Eugene for that matter. With the possible exception of that rubbish they call 20/20  it once again looks like it's all you'll fucken win again this season.

Round 25 Winner

In a damning indictment on the state of South Australia the winner of the Eugene and The Chad are their two football teams and their supporters. The winner of The Eugene for pure fuckery is Adelaide Crows supporters. I've already given my reasons why they are loathed in the nominations but because I can't fucken stand them I'll have another crack. They don't know the rules - just because one of your mob gets tackled it's not too high, and every time one of your mob lays a fingernail on an opposition player doesn't mean it's holding the ball. Get a fucken rulebook and have a read you pack of fucking mindas. The AFL despite your vehement protests are not against you, the rest of the supporters from the other 17 teams are however and you only have yourselves to blame. You're smug,ignorant, insular fuckwits who know less about the game of football than KD Lang does about sucking cock. I get a couple of free tickets with my doggies membership every year to watch a Camry Cows game which I refuse to take up, even if they are playing the mighty hawks, because I don't think I'd last the game without trying to belt some fucking sense into some of you fuckwits. 
The winner of The Chad Medal is Port Power. As I said in the nominations,
 they can't get anyone to sponsor them ( would you want your business  affiliated with that bunch of clusterfucks? ), no one wants to play for them ( fair dinkum if a useless cunt like Troy Chaplin thinks he can do better you must be fucking pus ), no one wants to coach them ( as much 
as they try to blow smoke up Ken Hinkley's arse he was their only option bar digging up Fos Williams ), no one wants to support them ( it would be a barrel of laughs watching that clown show every week but I was led to believe that there were 300000 Port supporters, yet they can't get more than 15000 to a home game. Even Freo when they were going like a busted arse would still pull 25000 -30000, and that's fucken Freo, perennial basket case. So you can take from that their supporters are pissweak front runners, one tradition they did take from their time in the SANFL ). They tick all the boxes don't they? And I must say all I can do is laugh, because to be quite frank it's very fucking funny. I've said it before and I'll say it again, wallow in your own shit, you once again have won The Chad Medal, if only your club was this successful at.............well everything. Hahahahahahahaha, fuck the lot of ya.

Round 25 Nominees

• Adelaide Crows supporters - by far the least knowledgeable and most ignorant supporters in the modified rules league. You could deadset write a book bigger than the fucken Bible about what they don't know about the game. Their rational is if they have the ball, they are the gods fucken gift. If someone tackles them it's too high or in the back. If they tackle someone it must be holding the ball even if they just ripped the cunts head off. Etcetera fucken etcetera, they know nothing, just a hybrid mishmash of fuckarses,dumbfucks and malcontents. Stick to what you know something about,knitting,drinking cheap chardy, and enjoying the smell of your own farts. Don't you dare say that you support an interstate team, you're not a true Sth Aussie. And now the wankers are in the finals all of Sth Aus is supposed to support them, heaven forbid if don't, well you're not a true Sth Aussie and you should go and live in Victoria if you like it so much. It's this sort of bullshit that makes everyone who's not a crows supporter fucken despise them with a passion. What an arrogant pack of wankers, they've been pissing on about winning the flag since the pre season, and after a soft draw in the regular season reckon that all they had to do was get ready for the GF celebrations in September. Fuck off the lot of ya, even if you got to the GF and it was against Collingwood I'd support them over you pack of  cunts.
• Tony Dey - this prick is a deadset thief. The amount of times he destroys games of footy seemingly because it gives him a stiffy are far too many to mention, but it is fucking lovely that he seems to save a fair chunk of his cheating fucking bias for Centrals. Time after time he dry roots the dogs, a perfect example being the recent final against West. West probably would have won without his help but the prick did everything in his power to give them a huge leg up.   On behalf of all football followers and in particular Centrals supporters I say FUCK OFF.
• The SANFL Tribunal - gave Centrals onballer James Boyd two weeks for whacking that little fucking turd from Sturt Matthew Jaensch. Belting fuckarses like Jaensch, or anyone from Sturt for that matter should not result in a punishment, I think Boyd should have got 3 Magarey votes.
• Stephen Rowe - when doggies forward Alan Obst gave a West defender Joel Tippett a well deserved belt which resulted in him getting suspended ,the doyen of commentators thought it was full back Yves Sibenaler who delivered the blow. Just one problem, he was over a 100m away from the incident. Stick to licking the crows arses you peanut.
• Sth Australian media - Rucci,Cornes,Rowe, Riccuito and all the rest, shut the fuck up the lot of ya. The mass saturation of Camry cows garbage is a fucken embarrassment, how did you go in the cows quizzes?Did you know that Scott Thompson uses three pieces of sunny paper to wipe his arse after a shit? For fucksake it makes me want to spew. And whilst the John McCarthy incident is a tragedy,the Adelaide media have made the whole incident into a complete circus, if it was you or me that had done what he did we would be chastised for our foolishness and would be lucky to even get on page 35.
• Optus - gonna fix my Internet any time soon? Hello Ryan? Ryan? How about you stop pulling your dick over Sachin Tendulkar photos and FIX MY FUCKING INTERNET YOU CUNT.
• Shared Wellingham - is considering leaving Collingwood because they aren't offering him the coin he thinks he's worth. Got some tickets on yourself champ? I wouldn't pay fuck all for the ponce, he spends more time preening his hair than Essendon 'hard man' Mark McVeigh. Has the carbon tax increased the price of gel that fucken much?
• The six women who staged a protest at Jobe Watson's Brownlow Medal press conference -apparently their gripe was that horses get more coverage in the media than women in sport. There's a reason for that, most women's sport is as boring as batshit to watch. 
• Alan Jones - Sydney's answer to Bob Francis has again shown his class with a tirade against Julia Gillard,saying that the reason for her old man's passing was " The old man died a few weeks ago of shame " . Wait till the body's cold you fucken crusty old parasite. It's not her old man's fault she's turned out to be a fuckup.

• The Cairns AFL competition - former Camry Cows and North Adelaide spud Nick Gill kicked 106 goals in their comp this year. Need any more reasons?
• Kurt Tippett - just fuck off to NSW for christsake,I'm sick of hearing the bullshit about your contract negotiations.
• Adrian Bayley - the filth that kidnapped, raped and murdered Melbourne woman Jill Meagher. Nothing they do to this prick will be enough for the crime he's committed, they should put a bullet in him. 
• The Australian Judicial system - allowed Adrian Bayley back in public even after he pleaded guilty to 16 charges of rape against 5 women a decade ago. Why was this prick not locked up for good? The blood of Jill Meagher is on the hands of the fuckwits that let this animal have a second chance.
• Robert Hughes - lead actor ( I'll be fucked if I'll use the term star to describe what he called acting ) of sitcom Hey Dad is being extradited on sexual assault charges ). Hey Dad, you're a dirty fucken rock spider.
• Female tv viewers - for watching fucken crap like Winners and Losers, Downton Abbey,Please Marry My Boy, Offspring, and Packed to the Rafters thereby giving them better than average ratings,attracting big sponsorship dollars and keeping them on tv. Start watching decent shows like the footy,cricket, and anything that involves people getting the shit blown out of them.
• Stephanie-Krystie Chin- since joining social network drivel Twitter in 2007, has made more than 193,000 tweets, or an average of 106 per day. When questioned she made the remark " It either means I'm really clever, or I don't have a life ". I know which option I'd pick.
• Ryan Schoenmakers - Hawthorn plonker has revealed that the way he likes to relax before a game is to watch a movie, preferably an action film. It's a shame he's not a fan of horror films,I've got a decent collection of Hawthorn games where he's the star attraction.
• Kim Kardashian - fucken twitter, this tart thought every needed to know " I just hope I'm not turning into one of those cat ladies that's tweeting too many pictures of her pet ". If by pet you mean your thrashed out flange, everyone's seen it. Move along nothing to see here.
• New Zealand immigration officials - are considering giving convicted rapist Mike Tyson a visa to enter the country. Sheep nationwide await the decision nervously.
• Cecil Chao - Hong Kong businessman has offered $65 million to any bloke who can win the heart of his lesbian daughter. Self-styled lothario Kevin Foley was last seen hurriedly boarding a plane at Adelaide airport.
• Cameron Spencer-Long - punnethead who got pissed and hijacked a taxi, whilst blissfully unaware that there were two people in the back who were later injured. According to his lawyer he suffers from a Jekyll and Hyde personality when under the influence. Don't think so pal, the only thing he suffers from is being a pissed fuckwit.

• Matthew Newton - didn't someone's old man fork out for an expensive lawyer? The greatest Aussie acting export since Yahoo Serious got off charges of punching a taxi driver. Apparently Moonface's young bloke ( who shall hereafter be known as Cockface ) is now a changed man, I can only a assume it means he's now changed the drugs he mixes with grog whilst smacking his girlfriend round.
• Adelaide City Council - have run into a bit of a problem with the giant white elephant that is the Victoria Square development after discovering that the ground is contaminated. Who would've thought that all the urine and stale VB dregs that have been spilt there over the years cold have done any harm.
• Bernard Finnigan - well fuck me dead and call me a lard arsed paedo, it was old Bernard who was the Labor MP who's been downloading kiddy porn, who would've picked that. 
• The husband and wife who thought it appropriate to circumcise their 6 and 7 year old daughters  - sick fucks, just because you have a religious belief doesn't give you the right to mutilate your children.
• Matt Damon - " luckily, I found out all three of my youngest girls love broccoli ". It's no wonder they like broccoli, with an old man like him they're used to having vegetables in the house.
• The couple from Norway who won lotto three times, each time  just before or after the birth of their three kids - what's so special about that, go to Elizabeth shopping centre and look at the fat arsed single mothers in lycra spending our tax dollars whilst dragging on a ciggie  with a newborn hanging off their tit. They get a fucken handout everytime as well.

• INXS - can't find any more shit lead singers so they're contemplating touring with a Michael Hutchence hologram. So for Suicide Blonde are they gonna just show him in his hotel room with a stiffy and a belt round his neck?

• Port Power - no one wants to play for ya, no one wants to watch ya, no one wants to sponsor ya, and no cunt wants to coach ya. Hehehehehehehehehe fucken gold.

Michael Avon - might pay to have eyes in the back of your head next time you venture out to Elizabeth oval you cheating cunt. Whatever James Gowans said to you after the game against North you fucken deserved.

Crows supporters - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Kurt Tippett's fucked off, have a cry you fuckarses. You know the secondary reason why he left? He fucken hated playing for a team supported by a pack of retarded squealing pigs.

Hawthorn - way to chuck away a grannie , learn to fucken kick.

Round 24 Winner

It's been a couple of weeks since the last posting and the reason is fucking Optus providing a shithouse Internet service. I had quite a few nominees listed but they're that old they're more dated than a Port Power premiership shirt so I canned them. You pay good money for a supposedly reputable Internet company to provide you with a reliable service but what you get in reality is a useless pack of shite which leaves you standing with your dick in your hand for weeks while they try to explain that your modem is not compatible ten fucking times,despite the fact up until recently it was fine and then it was changed for another which you also said was no good. Well you're fucken wrong Ryan, fucken Ryan my arse, how many Ryan's have you ever spoken to that sound like Apu from The Simpsons? They don't listen to anything you tell them, they just spout off their Optus handbook bullshit. So I in the meantime am forced to spend extra coin on another internet provider whilst these arseholes take my money for nothing, somewhat like what Troy Chaplin does at Port.
So needless to say you don't have to be a rocket scientist to work out who won the awards this week, hopefully normal service will resume next week but if I get my hands on 'Ryan' I may be in a Mumbai lockup after I've throttled the prick.

Round 23 Winner

Despite the best efforts of deadset fuckarses like James "I'm rather partial to the smell of my own farts" Magnussen and The Olympiczzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, the winner of both The Eugene and The Chad is Port Power. What a fucken joke, they are $4 away from declaring bankruptcy, the board wouldn't know if their arses were on fire, the coach looks like a stroke victim, the fans are retards who've jumped ship faster than that spineless Italian cunt off the Costa Concordia, and the playing group has all the sporting talent of  a John Howard off spinner and heart of Fiona Coote mid operation. Brett Duncanson, want a tissue cunt? Primus, had no chance, it was like a legless Lt Dan with a club full of Forrest Gumps, Cassisi , as shite a skipper as Van Berlo is don't ya reckon he'd be sitting back saying "how the fuck can they say I'm a worse skipper than this prick? " How easy are they to take the piss out of? Check out their club song:
We've got the Power to win ( you cunts couldn't win a fucken chook raffle if you bought all the fucken tickets, how about that loss to GWS, half of em are that young they can't play night games cause it's after their bed time )
The Power to rule ( you have as much power to rule as "I'm a puppet of the unions and Greens" Julia Gillard )
Come on, Port Adelaide aggression ( bahahaha, pushing blokes in the chest with a limp wrist, hello Danyle Pearce, and whacking people when they're not watching, hello Hamish Hartlett,you're fucken scaring the shit out of me )
We are the Power from Port ( you are the soft,weak, insipid, spineless joke from Port )
It's more than a sport ( that part is true, it's also a fucken top laugh watching you pricks wallow in the shit you created )
It's the true Port Adelaide tradition ( which if I'm not mistaken is all of about 16 years in this comp, and a fair chunk of that your tradition has constituted rolling over like a Chinese badminton player whenever you had to actually show some business acumen, leadership,effort or spine )
We'll never stop,stop,stop ( it might pay you to fucken start first )
Till we're top,top,top ( the only thing you wankers are going to be top of is business retardation,clanger counts and bruise free footy )
There's history here in the making ( and by being the first club to lose to both new clubs GWS and Gold Coast in consecutive seasons you have created history that you can never erase, hehehehehe )
We've got the Power to win ( I think we've covered that part )
We'll never give in ( hahahahahahahaha, you give up quicker than an Italian infantryman )
Till the flag is ours for the taking ( that's the only way you're going to get a flag, by pinching it, now that's the TRUE Port Adelaide tradition ).

Round 23 Nominees

• Bruce McAvaney - we've had enough of delicious, special and the other drivel you spout, just admit you want to root messrs Reiwoldt, Rioli and Judd and shut the fuck up.

• Leroy Jetta - this cunt should be in the Olympics, he dives like Matthew Mitcham and bleeds like Greg Louganis.

• Adam Scott - the successor to Greg Norman has been ordained, blew an unassailable lead in the British Open by bogeying the last three holes. After consideration to follow on from the Great White shark marine themed nicknames the new king shall be named
  The Flounder.

• The SA Government - are contemplating moving the Clipsal 500 forward to avoid the mad march. How many more stupid fucking decisions do this mob want to make. Where the fuck is Isobel Redmond, surely it can't still be undergoing gender reassignment.

• Tony Dey - he's just a deadset incompetent, self indulgent cunt.

• Nicole Cornes - for her efforts at the Santos Adelaide mid-winter charity ball where she wore the same style of dress that Angelina Jolie wore to some wanky yank awards ceremony. The main problem is, it looks like she wore the same size dress as Jolie despite being shall we generously say a wee bit heavier. It fair dinkum looks like someone stuffed a sack with potatoes and chucked a fucken trout on top. Yeah, we really believe that Stewie Dew would've fucked that.

• America - for their belief that it is everyone's right to be armed, great idea that, how many more mass shootings do you dickheads need to prove that you are wrong? Let's face facts, Queen Liz ain't gonna come back to invade any time soon, the place is a shithole, even the Mexicans have built a tunnel under the border so they can get back away from the joint,so it's probably safe to say  that you don't really need a military AR-15 automatic rifle with a 100 round drum magazine, which you bought online to protect your home. Watched Red Dawn one too many times fucknut? Why do you need to let the fuckarses build up an arsenal when you've got a Navy, Air Force, Army, Marines, Navy Reserves, Air Force Reserves, Army Reserves, Air National Guard,, Army National Guard etc etc, is cletus mcsisterfuck's right to bear arms something that should be cornerstone of your way of life?

• The AFL match review panel - pinged Jack Ziebell for four weeks for contesting the footy. Pull your fucken heads in you wankers.

• Sam Stosur - shouldn't be surprised but Slamming Sam bombed out in the first round at The Olympics. Flounder Scott is shacked up with the wrong female tennis player.

• Bernard Tomich - did a Stosur.

• Casey Dellacqua - did a fatter version of Stosur.

• Anthony Mundine - stuck his nose into the Steffensen "I didn't get picked because of my colour" debate. There's a track history here, weren't you the same dickhead who made the same allegations after being overlooked for State of Origin? These wankers use the race card whenever they don't get their own way, it's fucken bullshit, you want people who had legitimate cases for arguing they were ostracised for their colour look at Jackie Robinson, Jessie Owens or David Kantilla, yet they still made it despite the obstacles. Cunts like you and Steffensen use the same excuse because you don't want to admit you weren't good enough.

• Virgin Airlines - have ordered cabin staff to undergo etiquette , posture, and language classes in order to change their 'sexualised image'. They can't even call someone mate unless the passenger is a frequent flyer who must go online and specifically request they are addressed that way. What a load of wank, next time I fly I might have to get on the website and ask them to refer to me as the cunt with a 12 inch trouser snake ( it ain't true but it would liven up the flight )

• London Olympic Chiefs - whilst I agree with some of the things they've banned - frisbees, vuvuzelas ( anyone seen with these should have them rammed up their arses ), oversized hats - they've also banned flags and will chuck out anyone wearing a Pepsi shirt as it's not an accredited sponsor. You want to ban something, ban the Mexican wave, it's the worst export those tostada munching cunts have produced including swine flu. I fucken hate it but I have a solution, shoot the first person who tries it, I'm fairly sure that would deter any other pinheads from trying it.

• Kermode St residents - more than a dozen have chucked the toys out of the cot and are opposing nearby pub The Queens Head's application for a new function area arguing it  would be a "threat to the whole ambiance of  the ( St Peters ) Cathedral precinct ". Stuck up pack of cunts, want to know the biggest threat to the ambiance of the area? The church and it's paedo mates.

• The Indian reporter who asked Steve Waugh whether there was a role for sledging at The Olympics. - Waugh replied with "there is always a role for sledging mate", closely followed by "by the way I heard Sachin Tendulkar likes the taste of cock".

• Christopher Nolan - director of the latest Batman film who said after the cinema shooting at the Batman midnight screening "Movies are one of the great American art forms. That someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating ". Now whilst this is a tragedy you're laying it on a bit fucken thick, is this the same art form that produced such shit as Showgirls, and anything with Meg Ryan or Billy Crystal in it?

• Natalie Cook - threatened a protest if a woman wasn't the Aussie flagbearer at the openeing ceremony. Why's that Nat, want a good fucken perve?

• Le Bangkok - Melbourne  restaurant who activated 10 roach bombs after close Saturday night, somehow they ignited and blew the back door off its hinges, destroyed a wall and shattered a second storey window - the upside is their supply of appetisers for the following night trebled in one bang. That's what you get when you use an ACME company sponsored Wiley Coyote as your suicide roach bomber.

• Pakistani Taliban - one mob of Taliban fruitloops got the shits with another mob of Taliban fruitloops and suicide car bombed their compound. Hehe I think we've found the place for the Dumb and Dumber sequel.

• Peter Goers - stated that Nicole Cornes was a "true glamour". Get some new glasses cockhead.

• Wallace Weatherbolt - Florida airboat captain who had his hand bitten off by a 2.7m alligator in the everglades whilst taking some tourists on a ride may face charges for feeding it. Graham Cornes has been threatened with similar charges in regards to his missus.

• WWT Eagles - hehehehehe still going shit.

• Port Power - for their sterling effort against Freo. Even their own supporters ( all 8 of them ) booed them off. One person was chucked out for allegedly flashing a browneye but this was later revealed to be Jenny Williams' head.

• Warren Tredrea - when questioned by Chris Dittmar if the Power were a soft club remarked "that's your opinion ". And the opinion of everyone else, take your head out of the sand ya fucken ostrich.

• James  Magnussen - you big mouthed fuckwit, worked out well for you didn't it, and nice to see your team first ethos after you fucked up the relay and showed no interest in the rest of the team. Who are you sponsored by - Glenelg? There's no I in team but there sure as hell is in FUCKWIT.

• The Olympics - I thought the idea of the Olympics was to promote the best athletes in the world, yet watching the swimming I saw some cunt with floaties on who nearly fucken drowned. Fair dinkum this prick swam slower than Jack Newton with an itchy ball, apparently you don't have to reach an Olympic qualifying standard if your country is run by despots who shoot people for sneezing. What a hypocritical load of shit.( and yes I'm aware of the irony of me saying that despite continuing to watch so don't fucken start )

• Badminton - for fucksake, tanking in badminton. 8 of em got chucked out for it, thereby allowing Australia to get eliminated one round further along. I must take umbrage with the crowd who booed them though, why the fuck would you want to go and watch that crap in the firstplace, you deserve what you get.

• The two Canadian rowing coaches who, whilst riding on the path near the river next to their charges during a race collided and fell in - good to Canadian sporting prowess hasn't changed.

• Seen Lee - female Aussie weightlifter who obviously hasn't seen an epilady for a while judging by the two squashed badgers she had stuffed under her armpits.

• Arrogant Aussie athletes - the thing that shits me off most about the Olympics is the amount of Aussie athletes who are being arrogant cunts. They sound like everything we hate about Americans and look like wankers when they fall on their arses ( which most have ), but they are representing their country and making us look like shit too. It's  un Australian acting like that, Aussies quietly bide their time and then deliver a giant fuck you after the event.

Round 22 Winner

No need for nominations this week, Ricky Nixon has stitched it up. Just when you thought he couldn't be any more or a fuckwit he goes and assaults his new missus and has a crack at the cops when they try to arrest him. Fuckwit. So thus I give you the tale of Ricky Nixon to the tune of Toni Basil's 'Mickey'
Hey Ricky, you're a cunt
Confirmed it with your latest stunt
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky, you're a prick
Again you've shown that you're a dick
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky, you're all class
Beat your missus you fuckarse
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky
You'd had a busy night
Before the cops had come along
Ok to belt your missus right
Nope again you're fucken wrong
Cunts like you they are a slight
On the human race you mong Ricky
Then Tegan called the bill
Go quietly, no you won't
You're still off your face on pills
Resist Ricky, maybe don't
Fuck it go on do it cunt and the cops'll break your bones Ricky
Oh Ricky what a pity
You don't understand
You don't get to take to women
With a wrinkly old backhand
Oh Ricky what a shitty
Excuse you're for a man
It's turds like you Ricky
Still on the snow Ricky, grog Ricky
D'ya break her arm Ricky?
The Herald Sun follows your moves
Cause it's a cert they know
That every time you move
You'll sink to a new low
Now it's death threats and abuse
How low can you go Ricky
So hopefully a judge will chuck you in the can
Wanna be a deadshit thug
Take what's coming like a man
Ah, question Ricky, question
D'ya like your time again Ricky?
Oh Ricky, get no pity
Cause you understand
You've the charms of a wet fart
Or cancerous anal gland
Oh Ricky, futures shitty
Least your life ain't bland
You're a gutless pig Ricky
And now ya screwed Ricky, screwed Ricky
So take your Chad Ricky