As a follow-up to the Chad Editor's superb effort on Port Adelaide, this song is for Nicole Cornes, sung to the tune of Denis Leary's "Asshole".
(Spoken)
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the Nicole Cornes.
About her, about Studley, about the way the Cornes family beat themselves off way down
in the bottom of their chests. About the special feeling they get about themselves in the
cockles of their hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle
area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the
colon, we don't know.
(Sung)
She’s just a regular mole and a regular mutt.
She’s your average white suburbanite slut.
She likes Holloway and Foley and books about whores.
And how to suck cocks without getting cold sores.
Her husband, her job, her kids and Josh Carr.
She learnt from Lewinsky how to give blow jobs and use a cuban cigar.
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a slag like her interested
(oh no) no way (uh-uh)
So, Mick Molloy went out and made fun at Nicole Cornes’ expense
(oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Her brain’s really slow, even slower than Kane,
While people in Adelaide are going insane.
She’s an asshole (She’s an asshole, what an asshole)
She’s an asshole (She's an asshole, such an asshole)
She stood for Labor but didn’t win the seat,
She walked around the electorate saying "I'll win if I cheat!"
She’s an asshole (She's an asshole, what an asshole)
She’s an asshole (She's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes she parks in handicapped spaces,
While old handicapped Chad makes handicapped faces.
She’s an asshole (She's an asshole, what an asshole)
She’s an asshole (She's a real fucking asshole)
Maybe she shouldn't be breathing in air
With her vacuous looks and her dyed dumb blonde hair
Maybe it’s time for the electric chair
YEEEAH!
She’s an asshole (she's an asshole, what an asshole)
She’s an asshole (she's the world's biggest asshole)
(Spoken)
Know what she’s gonna do? She’s gonna get herself an expensive fucking lawyer,
hot-fuckin'-stuff, with whaleskin boots and all-cunt interior and big
expense account for the dodgy prick... yeah! And she’s gonna sue Mick Molloy
that bastard making fun of her, saying she rooted Stewie Dew, suckin' down
on his big fat one in the old-fashioned non-
choke swallow style... yeah! And when she’s done suing Mick
she’s gonna walk away with nearly a hundred grand,
and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why?
Because she’s Nicole Cornes, that's why... yeah! Two words-dumb fuckin'
slut, OK? Studley, Chad, Kane, they can have all the pleghm
they want...they can have a phlegm cakewalk right through the middle of
Victoria Square and it won't make a lick of fuckin' difference, because she is
a Cornes, OK? Eddy Jack's not dead-he's retarded! And when we find a cure for
Nicole, we're gonna bring out Mick Molloy and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You
know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million
times-that's how pissed off Mick’s gonna be. I'm gonna get Mick Molloy and
Lehmo and Dave Hughes and a case of fuckin' explosives and drive...
(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know she really is an asshole)
Why don't you shut up and take a hike, Nicole. I thought Studley was the
asshole... all the time it was her... what an asshole!
(Sung)
She’ an asshole (She’s an asshole, she's an asshole)
She’ an asshole (She's the world's biggest asshole)
A S-S H-O L-E
Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E
Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay
A-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom
Oooooooo
(Spoken)
She’s an asshole and she’s proud of it!
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