The Chad Medal - Week 12 Nominations

• Bruce McAvaney – for his “Tim Lane” moment during the Port v Richmond game. After Port meathead Dean Brogan took a mark 40 metres out from goal, Bruce said confidently, “Brogan is too far out to score.” Brogan then went back and slammed the ball through for an easy goal. Good call, Bruce, ya fuckwit.
• The Reverend Fred Nile – for downloading porn from his Parliamentary office computer over 200,000 times. So it took Fred 200,000 times to work out that he is offended by porn??? No wonder the office cleaner has been complaining about having to clean Fred’s office – we just thought she objected because he is a complete moron. By the way, who votes for this fuckwit?
• Tony Abbott – for using Paul Hogan’s accountant to do his policy costings.
• The 3 independents – for costing taxpayer’s $30 million a day because they can’t choose who they want to sleep with, Tony or Julia? I smell a new TV show. Dust off Greg Evans for a new series of Perfect Match – I’m sure fucking Dexter could figure out who to choose.
• Bert Newton - for his “hair”. Mr Haggle wants his rug back, Bert.
• Bert and Patty Newton – for starring in a new version of The Omen. In this version, Bert and Patty give birth to the devil child, Damian, played convincingly by Matthew Newton.
• Matthew Knights – for stating that he would like to coach again. Who is he kidding? 3 clubs, 3 massive failures along with the hatred of 400,000 Port Adelaide supporters (are there 400,000 Port supporters?) and 1 million Bombers supporters. Who else does he want to fuck over before he’s done with his path of destruction? Surely a Chad Medal beckons? Or a career in comedy or as the leader of the Labor party?
• Nameless White Maggot – in the Under 12 elimination final between Payneham Norwood and Broadview this white maggot paid double 25 metre penalty because the Payneham ruckman (who shall remain nameless!) yelled “oh come on” at the maggot after another unwarranted free kick. The maggot was a stand out in the fuckwit stakes right from the first bounce due to his self induced wedgie and shaved streaks in his hair. Needless to say Broadview kicked a goal and won the game by 4 points from the penalty.
• Unnamed Payneham Norwood U12 Ruckman – for not realising previously mentioned white maggot was a gay Scott McLaren wannabe attempting to have people believe he knew something about Aussie Rules when he was clearly the prototype Soccer referee, minus the yellow and red cards. The unnamed player (let’s call him Brett Jr) should have known better after his parents warned him not to tell the umpire what he really thought of him. He ignored those warnings, therefore a Chad nomination is warranted, no matter how justified it was telling the maggot that he should go forth and multiply with like-minded whistle carrying pillow biters.
• Pakistan cricket team – for continuing to honour the memory of Hansie Cronje.
• Sturt supporters – yet another nomination. Same old reason – for supporting a bunch of powder blue pillows.
• Brian Taylor – for being as funny as a bout of genital warts.
• Liam Pickering – for being a smarmier, sleazier version of Ricky (Rick with a silent P) Nixon. I didn’t think it was possible to be smarmier and sleazier than Nixon.
• John Worsfold – for being the world’s dumbest Pharmacist. Hey, John, when Ben told ya he was using white powder he didn’t mean that it was Johnson’s Baby Powder to help with his chaffing.
• The Crows 19th man – a second nomination. Can’t the Gold Coast offer that fuckwit big bucks to move up there?
• Chilean mine rescuers – no urgency fellas, the miners have plenty of things to do until Christmas while they are stuck down that damp, dark hole. Perhaps a game of murder in the dark? Hide and seek?
• Adrian Anderson – for once again defending a ridiculous AFL policy – this time the drugs policy. Ok, so Hawthorn’s Travis Tuck was using drugs to cope with depression. Hmmm, isn’t Hawthorn president Jeff Kennett head of Beyond Blue, the organisation to support people with depression? Hmmm, nah, letting Jeff know wouldn’t help Travis, let’s give him two more chances to get caught so we can then go public with his drug use and humiliate him – yeah, Adrian, you fuckwit, that’s really helped Travis with his depression.
• The police who shot and killed a bloke who held the Discovery Channel hostage in protest against their programs. Hey, before you killed the bloke, you could have sent him to Channel 9 studios around 6.30pm on weeknights – and asked for a bloke named Tracey Grimshaw.
• Australian tennis – for being a complete and utter debacle. We’ve had one good player in the past 20 years – Ley Ley. And everyone apart from Tyson and Mandy Edwards, Graham Cornes and Ley Ley himself, hate his guts. Apparently, they are looking for a new head coach. Hey, Matty Knights, you still want to coach, don’t you?
• Victorian judge Marilyn Harbison – for not sending cross-dressing and effeminate Jayke Baldwin to jail for killing his girlfriend when he lost control of his car and hit a tree when speeding because "(There is) a significant danger ... that he will be targeted by prisoners of his own age and subjected to physical attacks, even in the youth unit of prison”. There are a couple of points to make. Firstly, I didn’t think prison was supposed to be a fucking holiday camp. And secondly, the fact that he is an effeminate cross-dresser strongly suggests he is a Sturt supporter so a jail sentence should be mandatory.
• Essendon supporters – for continuing to hold-out hope that the Messiah, James Hird, will coach Essendon. Get over it, move on – James does not have the kahunas to take on the job. Their last two coaches have come from Richmond, so it is highly likely that will go to the Tigers well again – names mentioned include tough nuts like Wayne Campbell, Jordan McMahon and Joel Bowden.
• Conan O’Brien – for being extremely creative in calling his new show “Conan”. Apparently, the reason why Rove didn’t make it in the US is because TV execs didn’t like the name of his self-titled show, “Fuckwit”.
• Pakistan wicket-keeper, Kamran Akmal – he was cleared of match-fixing by Pakistan officials. They must have decided that all those dropped catches and missed stumpings meant he is just a really, really crap wicket-keeper. Even worse than Greg Dyer.
• Qld Premier Anna Bligh – for starting a campaign to bring Ellen DeGeneres to Australia. For fuck sake, shouldn’t you just concentrate on running the state? And I reckon you would get more votes if you started a campaign to have her fucking annoying show taken off air. Or perhaps sending Lehmo to the US.
• Julia Gillard – for not giving up her citizen’s assembly idea. Yeah, Julia, it was a really great idea, the public loved that idea soooo much that they voted for the Greens instead of you. Did you not learn a thing???
• The hiker on Washington's Blewett Pass who shot himself in the backside when he put a handgun in his back pocket. Lucky the prick didn’t put it in his front pocket otherwise he could have become an instant Sturt footballer ie no balls.
• Adelaide Crows – for allowing Trent Hentschel to ride in the same car as Andrew McLeod. McLeod is a 300 game dual premiership player and Norm Smith Medallist. Hentschel is a just another Woodville West Torrens clown pretending to be a footballer.
• The journo who accused Tottenham manager, Harry Redknapp of being a “wheeler and dealer”. Harry replied abruptly, "No, fuck off. I'm not a wheeler and dealer, fuck off. I've not made my name as a wheeler and dealer, don't say that. I'm a fucking football manager." Apparently, when the journo then asked him if he thought Matty Knights should coach again, Harry replied, “Fuck off. He’s a fuckwit.”
• Paris Hilton - money can buy you most things, but not an IQ.
• Damon T Dana - the wanna be action star who broke into Sylvester Stallone's home and punched out Sly's pet pit bull terrier. Sounds like the script for Rocky 7.
• The ICC (International Cheating Cunts) - isn't it about time you banished Pakistan from international cricket for good or does money talk?

Chad Winner Week 11

So we thought the election circus would be over on Saturday. Well, think again, because the circus has not left town yet, and worse still, there are a whole bunch of new clowns in the show, headed by Australia's own Buffalo Bill, Bob Katter. Katter is as mad as a cut snake, strutting around this two horse town wearing his ten gallon hat and a pair of colt 45s on his hips. Hopefully, while he is in town he and his posse can take out a few fuckwits. Because, once again, there have been plenty on show this week.

A special mention must be made of Labor power-broker, Mark Arbib. What an outstanding effort, you fuckwit. You engineered a massive swing against Labor when you and your faceless fuckwits knifed poor old Kevvy Rudd. The hillbillys in Queensland didn't like that too much, did they, Mark? Then you put Julia Gillard in charge - although we are not quite sure which one is the leader. All three are fuckwits, anyway. Then, after crying like a baby on Saturday night during the election, you were too scared to front Q&A on Monday night. You complete fuckwit.

But unfortunately, Arbib didn't have the numbers to make the top three fuckwits this week. No, the top three were - Fremantle coach Mark Harvey, AFL white maggot Scott McLaren and Mathew Newton.

Mark Harvey went very close to winning the Chad for sending Fremantle's mini league team to Tasmania to get slaughtered by Hawthorn. The results of tonight's game will determine if he is a fuckwit or just a plain wanker.

Scott McLaren. White maggot extraordinnaire. The fuckwit felt the need to hold a press conference to announce his retirement from the game to which he has brought into disrepute for 17 seasons. So long, you big nosed cheating prick.

Which takes us to this week's winner - Mathew Newton. He proved once and for all what a complete fuckwit he is by bashing his girlfriend. This comes on the day that an article was released about him suggesting he has got his act together. Good one. He makes Ben Cousins look like a member of the Women's Christian Temperance Union. No, this award his long overdue for Newton. Firstly, he is the son of Bert and Patty - that is grounds for a nomination alone. Then we had to witness his excrutiatingly bad performance in Underbelly - he had the worst kiwi accent since Martin Sneddon. And then he signed up to host the X-factor - just another completely crap show to pollute television screens. And to top all that off, he cowardly thumps his girlfriend who he is supposedly in love with. Newton, the only person you are in love with is yourself, so congratulations, you are this week's winner of the Chad medal. Enjoy sharing that prison cell with Big Bubba.

The Chad Week 11 Nominations

• White maggot Stuart Wenn - for sledging Richmond's Dan Connors. Hey, Wenn, you were too fucking weak to make it as a player, so shut ya cakehole and do your job.
• White maggot Scott McLaren - for holding a press conference to announce his retirement. You didn't need a press conference, Scott, I could have summed up your career with a few simple words - you were a cheating cunt for 17 years. End of story. Farewell and fuck off.
• Bob Katter - for wearing that stupid ten gallon cowboy hat. Put him together with Bob Brown and you have Canberra's Brokeback Mountain.
• Sturt Football Club supporters - for supporting a team of powder blue poofters.
• Mathew Newton - for bashing his girlfriend. Yeah, you've got the X factor, you fuckwit.
• Chad Fletcher - for being busted for possessing cocaine in a Kings Cross dunny. When is your doco coming out, dickhead?
• Paul Craig - for his letter to the editor in the Advertiser, "Thank heaven's for Bob Brown's policies. How on earth has this country survived so long without gay marriage?" Pretty fucking well is the answer, Paul.
• Mark Arbib - for being a weak little prick and not appearing on Q&A on Monday night. He was still wiping away his tears from Saturday night's debacle.
• The farewell for Goodwin, McLeod, Burton and Trent Potential - fair dinkum, instead of a motorcade around Footy Park, why not something far more appopriate like a float at the Gay Mardi Gras.
• Rachel McLeod - for her missing eyebrows. Did they get a farewell lap?
• The Who magazine - for the inspirational 4 page spread on Mathew Newton, called "Starting Over". I'm waiting for the follow-up, "Egg On My Face".
• Football commentators - for constantly saying "catch" - it's called a fucking mark, you fuckwits.
• The Russell Robertson Band - for having Russell Robertson in the band. The best Australian band since Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2.
• Mark Harvey - for doing his best to completely fuck up Fremantle's season.
• Matty Knights - he's an automatic selection.
• The idiot at a polling booth who thought putting his green House of Representatives ballot paper in the Green ballot box meant he was voting for the Greens.
• Norm from Norm's Coolies - for denying his dogs are not safe. After one of his dogs bit a bloke in July, he tried to prove his dog show is safe by inviting journalists from the Advertiser (that is an oxymoron) to the show and then one of the journos was bitten. Gold. You fuckwit, Norm. A coolie stole my baby.
• Anyone who voted informal - for being fucking stupid enough to listen to that punnethead, Mark Latham. Perhaps you should all move to Zimbabwe - you don't need to vote there.
• Sophie Monk - for having a Tupperware face.
• The Advertiser - for many, many reasons but this week for doing an article on Sturt's Toby Thurstans and Ben Nelson and calling them "greats". Yeah, if not putting ya body on the line and playing for a pack of soft-cocks means you are a "great" then those cunts would be Legends in the Hall of Shame.
• Anyone who voted for the Greens - for putting us through the current crap we are going through.
• Amber Petty - for inviting Andrew Demetriou to her 4oth. Surely it was a game of "who can bring the biggest idiot to the party". Apparently, the faceless men of Labor were there too.
• The faceless men of Labor - for not only being faceless, but also brainless.
• Barnaby Joyce - Tony Windsor was wrong, you are not a bloody idiot, you are a fuckwit!
• The coach of the Flasharama AFL Supercoach team - for mouthing off about being top of the ladder all year and then losing in the preliminary final. Well, you are Dutch, so it is no surprise that you choked at the final hurdle.
• Wyatt Roy - 20 year-old MP. Given he's from Queenslandm perhaps they confused him with Wyatt Earp from the Gunfight At the OK Corral.
• Ricky Nixon - for being Ben Cousin's manager since 1996 and not knowing he was on drugs. Yeah, righto. Plus he gets an additional nomination for that fucking poodle glued to his head.
• James Hird - for not putting his balls on the line and coaching Essendon.
• Neil Craig - for being the choke king. He found new and improved ways to get his "playing group" to lose the unlosable - this time against Collingwood.
• Harry Kewell and Robbie Slater - two soccer pillow munchers who are both a waste of space. Take ya soccer balls and go home, ya squealers.
• Laurie Oakes - for doing a brilliant impersonation of a walrus. I am the walrus, I am the egg man.
• Walruses - for doing brilliant impersonations of Laurie Oakes.
• South Adelaide's Michael Handby - for doing a brilliant impersonation of Lawrie Oakes impersonating a walrus impersonating Lawrie Oakes. The fat sook quit after 150 games of crap football. The fattest pig to grace a football field since the Plugger pig was released onto the SCG in the late 80s.
• Sunday Mail's Scott Walsh - he makes Michaelangelo Rucci look like a genius.
• Essendon FC - for the fact that they are going to have to pay $800k to get rid of perennial fuckwit, Matty Knights.
• The 25 year-old fuckwit for doing burn-outs in a stolen car in a hotel carpark. He later returned to the hotel and checked in for the night - and was arrested soon after.
• A Current Affair - this time for doing a story on the colour of mince meat. Yeah, floods in Pakistan, the Federal election, war in Afghanistan, but some dodgy butcher has put sulphur in mince is far more important.
• Wayne Swan - for making a fool of himself every time he opens his mouth by continuing to claim that Labor's stimulus package saved us from the GFC. He is favoured to take over from Hamish and Andy.

Chad Medal - Winner Week 10

While the election campaign is thankfully winding down, there has been no respite in the number of Chad nominees. It seems that in every facet of life, fuckwits are multiplying like rabbits. In politics, sport, the media, entertainment, you name it, fuckwits are now as common as a Mark Latham restraining order.

There were some genuine stand-outs this week and the field of fuckwits was narrowed down to three – Tim Lane, Shaun Tait, and Tony “Fweddy” McGuiness.

Tim Lane has been knocking on the door of Chadsville Manor for quite a while and the door finally opened early in the first quarter of the Geelong v Bulldogs game last week, with his brilliant summation that it was “all over, red rover” for Geelong. According to Tim, Amanda Vanstone, fresh off the plane from a 3 year eating binge in Italy, was singing at the top of her lungs. However, 14 unanswered goals later and a 101 point win to Geelong, Tim received his first Chad nomination and poor old Amanda spewed up a lasagne in the dunnies at Etihad Stadium.

Shaun Tait, aka The Wild Thing. Yeah, he’s about as wild as Kevin Rudd at a strip joint.. He earned his nomination by stating that he does not want to play for Australia in the upcoming Ashes test series. No, he’d rather play for the Bangalore Bin Ladens in the Indian Premier League. All a bit too hard for ya, is it Shaun? Well, put ya feet up son and take a Valium, and let the real blokes take on the Poms.

Which brings us to Tony “Fweddy” McGuiness. Fweddy is a well known pants man about town, specialising in lunch-cutting, particularly at the Glenelg Footy Club, with wives of players, cheerleaders and probably Tony Symonds. However, this time, poor old Fweddy was stupid enough to get caught with an ex-bikie’s wife. So now his best mate, Bone McDermott, has given him a one-way ticket to Africa. But you don’t leave empty-handed, Fweddy, as I’m please to announce that you are this week’s winner of the Chad Medal. Congratulations, and good luck with cutting lunches in Africa.

The Chad - Week 10 nominations

• Tim Lane - for saying in the first quarter of the Bulldogs v Geelong game, "the days of dominance for Geelong are over". Good call, dickhead, the Cats then kicked the next 13 goals and went on to win by 101 points. The best call since Bill Clinton said, "I did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky".
• Kerry O'Brien - for crimes against journalistic integrity.
• Brad Johnson (Western Bulldogs captain) –for shafting Aker and then proving to all that the Dogs can’t win without Aker and that Johnson himself is a liability to the team, goal hungry and about 3 years past his used by date. Very Chad-like moment from Johnno.
• Michael Birkin – Senior basketball Maggot (observer) for the ABA. Michael chose to defend some maggot decisions in the West v Norwood at West Adelaide (preliminary final) by stating in full earshot of all that if Norwood wanted equality in the refereeing they should have finished higher on the ladder than West, therefore fully admitting that the home team will get calls whilst Norwood won’t. Only then did he realise his Chad moment and decided he had demonstrated fully what a fuckwit he is and perhaps it would be better to shut the fuck up and ensure the maggots refereed the game fairly.
• West Adelaide Basketball Entertainment Manager – for not realising that the song “Go West” was written and performed by the biggest bunch of poofters in the musical industry being the Pet Shop Boys and the song is about poofters bending each other over. Yes those same pillow biters who make Elton John and George Michael appear macho. You could see the look of shame on the faces of the West Adelaide players every time the tosser played this song over the loud speaker. The same tosser also chose to yell “defence” into the microphone when West were in offence and didn’t realise that anyone in the crowd of 1,500 were remotely interested in making a fuckwit of themselves by yelling this pathetic chant (other than the referees who star in the fuckwit stakes).
• Luke Darcy – former AFL dud and current AFL arse licking commentator – for suggesting that Terry Wallace was no good as a coach (we already knew that Luke) and for blaming Terry for the Bulldogs not winning a flag, despite everyone else knowing their list was shit, they had over-achieved and their Ruckman (Darcy) was the biggest poser as an AFL player since……..nope, he was the biggest poser! Also for having a crack at Aker for being a distraction to the Bulldogs efforts in losing more preliminary finals! Hey Luke, Aker has won 3 flags off his own boot and a Brownlow, in case you had forgotten. Excellent effort in the fuckwit stakes by a Chad clone.
• The Gold Coast Suns - for paying Nathan Bock $600-750k pa! What a joke! They are also going to sign Nathan Krakouer - another joke. They must have a "Nathan only" rule - so Nathan Eagelton, Nathan Lovett-Murray, Nathan Jones and Nathan Van Berlo will all get a guernsey plus Nathan Buckley, Nathan Lonie and Nathan Thompson are coming out of retirement and Nathan Bracken, (as the Sun's head cheerleader), Nathan Hauritz, Nathan Green, and Nathan Jawai are all going to switch codes. Lion Nathan are going to be the major sponsor and Nathan Cavaleri will write the new club song. Nathan Rees will be club president - until he gets sacked and replaced by Nathan Strempel.
• USA - for being dumb enough to shell out $US60 (A$67) for a pair of Dunlop Volleys when you can pick up a pair at Big W for less than $A20.
• Brett Burton - for having a crack at Nathan Bock for leaving the Crows and then at the same time announcing that he (Burton) will be more than happy to get a job at another AFL club.
• Julia Gillard - queen of the fucking annoying slogan. First it was, "moving Australia forward" and now it is "yes we will" and "friends". Yes we will what? Yes we will put Australia further into debt? Yes we will let more boat people in? Yes we will talk more shit? Yes we will continue to do nothing about the Murray? Yes we will be run by factional knob doctors?
• Tony "Fweddy" McGuiness - for once again thinking with his head (not the one on his shoulders) and for being dumb enough to bonk the wife of an ex-Hell's Angels member.
• Nathan Bock - for insisting that his move to the Gold Coast is not for financial reasons. Yeah, righto.
• Julia Gillard - putting all that make-up on with a trowel will not hide the fact that you have a big schnozz and no policies.
• Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser) and his boyfriend - for announcing they are having twins. Which one is the mother?
• Shaun Tait - for being a complete soft-cock and not wanting to play for Australia in the Ashes in case he breaks a finger-nail. Fuckwit. Most blokes (and Penny Wong) would give their right nut to play for Australia in an Ashes test series.
• Pepe Reina - for some textbook goal-keeping for Liverpool and allowing the mighty Gunners to escape with a last second draw.
• Bob Brown - I'm surprised he hasn't announced that he's also having twins and Penny Wong is the father.
• AFL white maggots - for consistently bringing the game of AFL into disrepute. Example - the free kick paid against Richmond's Brett Deledio for grabbing a towel off a Carlton trainer and wiping the tears off Carlton's Henderson's face after Henderson was being a smart arse.
• Matty Knights - no particular reason, apart from the fact he's a real fuckwit.
• Mark Latham - for encouraging people to vote informal. Who is more bitter, Kevvy Rudd or Marky Mark? Apparently, both will be appearing in the new Victoria Bitter ad.
• Colin Rowston - like Richard Williams, he was over-shadowed by Tony Dey early in the season but hit his straps on the weekend. According to a disgruntled judge, "he makes Des Foster look unbiased". In my opinion, Des Foster is a genius. Who can forget his spot-on call in the dying minutes of the 1978 Grand Final that helped give the Redlegs a most-deserving 1 point victory over the powder-blue poofs (ie Sturt).
• Mathew Lokan - the Krusty the Clown of the Port Adelaide Magpies, for sledging Central's Daniel Havelberg in the 3rd quarter when the Magpies were down by 10 goals and Lokan was playing like Cain Ackland (ie like a busted arse).
• Josh Thurgood - Port ranga for whinging when none of his team-mates would kick the ball to him because on the few times they did he completely fucked it up. He looks like an inflamed boil.

The Chad Week 9 Winner

Picking a weekly winner of the Chad does not get any easier. There were so many fuckwits to choose from this week and all are worthy of winning a Chad. There were some perennial nominees/fuckwits such as Matty Knights, Julia Gillard, and Jeff Giescen. Both Julia and the Giesc are past winners of the Chad, but Matty Knights is such a fuckwit that he can’t even win the fuckwit of the week.

The field of fuckwits was narrowed down to Finland, Kellie Underwood and Tracey Grimshaw. Finland went very close. If hosting the World Air Guitar Championships wasn’t bad enough, they went on to host the World Sauna Championships which resulted in the death of one competitor. Fuckwits. And what about Kellie Underwood, runner-up in the World Hopeless Commentator Championships held in Finland recently. She took her game to a whole new level with her description of Lewis Jetta’s first goal in AFL. Fair dinkum, she was so excited that Troy Buswell nearly drowned when he sniffed her seat afterwards. But the winner of this week’s Chad is Tracey Grimshaw. Not only does she front A Current Affair - the name is surely an ironic joke – but she has totally vindicated all of the comments that Gordon Ramsey (himself a bona fide fuckwit) made about her last year. Congratulations, Tracey, and good luck in the next series of the Biggest Loser.

The Chad - Week 9 nominations

• Matthew Knights – standard nomination each week for crimes against the EFC and football in general. He also had the temerity to state to Big Richo in an interview that he (Knights) once got a contested possession. Clearly that is a blatant lie as there is no known footage of Knights ever going near a contest or gaining a worthwhile possession without some team mate busting his arse getting the hard ball first.
• Riley Luettgerodt – Forestville Eagles American 6 foot 5 inch import basketballer who beat Norwood Flames with a buzzer beater two weeks ago but then proceeded to showboat to the crowd after the game only to be told off by his own team mates. If that wasn’t bad enough and sufficient grounds for a Chad nomination, on Saturday night in a knock-out final, Norwood gun Andrew Webber (at only 6 foot) defensively suffocated the smart-arse Yank and rendered him a comedy act as Norwood eliminated Forestville again – third time in 3 years. A Chad nomination highlight was Luettgerodt sooking after David Cooper blocked yet another feeble attempted shot of his directly to Webber who stuck the dagger in with a 3 pointer at the other end to seal victory and a one-way ticket back to the USA for ol’ Showboat Riley. No wonder the world hates Yanks!
• the Gillard/Rudd reunion: they looked about as comfortable as Matty Knights going for a contested possession.
• Laurie Holden – for selecting Essendon to beat Carlton. You idiot.
• Vladimir Ladyzgneskiy - the 60 year old Russian who died during the World Sauna Championships - he was the "red hot" favourite....
• The debate about who should be the next Crows captain - I have only one word - asifigiveashit
• Daniel Motlop - for celebrating like a school girl for kicking his first goal for North Adelaide late in the last quarter when Norwood were already 11 goals up.
• Any dickhead who entered the Mr Right Now contest in Adelaide - bunch of metrosexual tossbags - or is that the Crows starting 18?
• Ralph Clarke - Adelaide Lord Mayor nominee - he was spotted at the Norwood v North game with a man bag on his shoulder - perhaps he was off to the Mr Right Now contest.
• Channel 9 - for apologising for Mark Latham confronting Julia Gillard. Latham is a tool but at least he is entertaining.
• Tiger Woods - for shooting 18 over - ever since he put his "9 iron" away, his game has gone downhill.
• Port Power - a return to form with a 94 point loss to the Saints - "it’s true Port Adelaide tradition".
• The groom in Turkey who fired celebratory shots into the air with an AK-47 during his wedding and killed his father and two aunties by mistake.
• Cameron White (Victorian captain) - for choosing to play for Bangalore over Victoria in the 20/20 Champion’s League. Actually, that is not a bad call, I’d rather chew my own arm off than play for Victoria.
• Ryan Fitzgerald – he is now rivalling Dave Flanagan as the most unfunny South Adelaide comedian.
• Balfours – for calling cardboard filled with one cube of carrot a “pasty”.
• Kellie Underwood – for her awesome commentating and in particular, her calling of Lewis Jetta’s first goal in AFL. She’s the Tracey Grimshaw of football.
• Adelaide Crows – for charging their members to tour their own club! Yeah, good one, the team for all South Australians my arse.
• Mikey Carroll – for blowing £9.7 million ($17 million) he won in X-lotto in less than eight years. He’s completely broke and working as a garbo, having blown the lot on luxury cars (which he drove in demolition derbies), a mansion (which he destroyed and is now condemned), and allegedly loads and loads of drugs.
• AFL Goal umpires – if the ball goes through the two big white sticks, it is a goal, you idiots.
  Jeff Giescen – for employing the blind, deaf and dumb society as goal umpires.
• Michael Doughty – for being an inspirational Crows captain. The clown couldn’t even toss the coin at the start of the Bulldogs game, leaving that to another inspirational leader, Scott “Shakin” Stevens.
• Ian McLachlan – for selling the SACA’s soul to Andrew Demetriou and fucking up everything that made the Adelaide Oval the best cricket ground in the world.
• Daniel Healy – for naming football whore Cain Ackland as the Roosters best player against Norwood after Ackland played like a busted arse.
• Finland – for hosting the World Air Guitar Championships and the World Sauna Championships. What next? The World Knitting Championships?
• Adrian Anderson and the AFL rules committee – for changing the rules for no reason other than to look like they are doing something to justify their big salaries.
• Stephen “Rowey” Rowe – for saying for the one millionth time this year, “pump the brakes, big fella.” Try this one, Rowey, “shut the fuck up”.
• Gerard Whately – the snivelling little ponce is better suited to commentating on netball. He is the Christopher Pyne of AFL commentators.
• Tracey Grimshaw – Gordon Ramsey was spot on. She’s the Kellie Underwood of current affairs.
• Mark Waugh – for criticising players for throwing away an innings and not looking professional on the field. Pot Kettle Black, Mark.
• England – for being Glenelg supporters by saying they are going to easily win the Ashes 3 months before the tour starts.
• Angela Bishop – for making her mother Bronwyn look appealing by comparison.