Round 29 Winner

Belated winners but better than nothing. The winner of The Eugene is Captain Hook, the Port River  dolphin who can't be rooted doing what normal dolphins do and catch his own tucker, he'd rather be a lazy mooching cunt and pinch it off fisherman's lines or beg for a fucken handout. It's ingrained down the Port, don't worry about earning your keep, wait for someone to give it to you. Well fuck you Captain Hook, catch your own or go and get stuffed, keep it up and you're gonna end up battered with a side of chips.
The Winner of The Chad is The Puma. Not known to many people, but trust me if you did know him like Laurie Holden and The Chad Editor do you would agree he is a more than worthy winner. He's packed his fair of fuckups into his few tender years. Thinks he knows a bit about footy but he's a fucken crows supporter so that's bollocks, once appeared in The Footy Budget with an Eagles supporter, has a head like a Houso Justin Beiber, and has destroyed his teeth after suffering from a TicTac addiction through most of his teenage years. Thinks he knows a bit about soccer too but his recent effort in prematurely calling the recent Arsenal v Reading League Cup tie shows otherwise. The Puma thought it prudent to start abusing Laurie Holden( which is fair enough granted ) when Reading were up 4-0 only to end up with half a fucken shed full of battery hen eggs on his face after Arsenal got up 7-5. Good call Puma, with premature celebrations like that you're gonna make some young lady very disappointed one day. Enjoy your Chad Medal, knowing that you are a reader of this blog, I daresay you'll be choking on your fucken tictacs as you read this. Gold.

Round 29 Nominees

• Russell Wortley - the fucking muppet had his shagpile snout well in truly in the trough  - $50,000 for a ten day jaunt around Europe on the Trans-Continental gravy train.  I though this state was fucking broke?  How is that Burnside Council Report going, Russ, ya dog turd?  And only a fuckhead would name their kid after Che Cockatoo-Collins.
• Jersey Boys - fair dinkum, if I fucking hear one more bar of "Sherry", every one of the squeaky-voiced cunts will definitely not be walking like a man. And big girls don't cry, they play for Sturt.  Or are the CEO of the Crows.
• Aaron Edwards - the serial fuck tard gets shickered at the Cox Plate a week after being signed by Richmond. A tiger can't change its spots.
• Richmond - fuck, they know how to pick em. 
• Jason Gram - arrested for breaching a restraining order.  The alleged victim, an AFL premiership, says Gram has been stalking him for his whole career but Gram refuses to accept she will never be his. 
• 5AA's John Keaneally - for playing fucking annoying music grabs everytime the station returns from an ad break.  John, you boring sack of shit, noone wants to hear 10 seconds of Billy Joel's "Piano Man" or ABBA's "Dancing Queen" every fucking morning.
• Tim Ginever - a radio star??  Fucking hell, whoever 5AA's talent scout is, he or she is a fucking minda.  First Stephen Rowe and now Chinever.  Who next?  Daryl Poole? 
• Rhonda and Ketut - for fucksake, Ketut, take ya fucking beer goggles off.  Rhonda must be giving you one big tip.  Or is that the other way round?
• Tanya Pilbersek - wants the threat of super bugs put on the Government's agenda.  Why not start with all the fucking white ants in the Labor Party.
• Bernard Tomic - the new Mark Phillipousiss of Australian tennis.  Both have ties to military - one is a Scud, the other is a Tank. And what were you really up to at 3am in a fucken hottub with a male friend? Bernard Tomic? More like Bernard fucken King by the sound of it.
• AFL players  - gambling has overtaken drugs and alcohol as their number one threat.  Wouldn't bet on it. I would have thought being drafted by Port would be far riskier.
• Foundation for Alcohol and Research and Education - for suggesting that taxes on alcohol should rise. All these fucking tax increases are driving me to drink.
• Gary Glitter - did the cunt ever do work experience at the Catholic Church?  Cut his nads off. 
• Ninemsn - for yet another insightful, ground-breaking headline, "Why Kate's hair is the most envied."  Can't wait for the follow-up, "Why Pippa's arse is sore."
• Israel Folau - the $6 million dollar man.  Worst sporting investment since Mike Rann used my taxes to suck off Lance Armstrong.
• Andrew Demetripoo - for trying to say that the Israel Folau experiment was a success.  Yeah, ya dumb fat wog, just like the Port Power experiment.
• Those fucking annoying family stick figure stickers on car windows - asifIgiveashit about how many fucking kids and pets you have.  It tells me one thing about ya though, you are a family of fucking Chads.
• Kris and Kendall Kardashian - they have arrived in Sydney no doubt already sucking kock.
• The USA - for allowing Imran Khan into the country.  But thank fuck they told that cheating fucker Sarfraz Nawaz to go fuck himself.
• A certain Liverpool supporter by the name of the Puma who sent Laurie Holden an abusive text message at half-time of the Arsenal v Reading game when the Gunners trailed 0-4 - stupid fuckwit was very quiet when the final score was 7-5 in favour of Arsenal.
• The Redbacks, again - for batting Kane Richardson at number 3 against Tasmania. Dickheads.  Why not fucking bring back Jim Higgs to open the batting. 
• Disney - after buying LucasFilms are threatening to make another Star Wars film.  Nothing like flogging a dead horse to death.
• Chrissie Swan - pregnant again.  Fucksake.  Wayne Swan is also pregnant after being fucked in the arse by the Mining Tax. 
• Redheads - genetic scientists are saying they could be extinct in 100 years.  Fucksake, we have to wait 100 years for Julia to cark it?  Why can't she just fucking die of shame? 
• BBC - not only have they been exposed for not outing serial paedo Jimmy Saville they've also got another 9 staff under investigation for the same thing. Didn't know the Catholic Church was involved in media ownership.
• Halloween - stick your American bullshit up your arse.I must confess though I saw what I thought was one kid with a ripper gargoyle outfit, turns out it was Jenny Williams out for a walk.
• Toblerone - was never a fan anyway but even less so know after the manufacturer has been busted stiffing customers by putting less chocolate in but still charging full tote odds. Mind you if you do eat that crap you get no fucken sympathy.
• Captain Hook - Port River dolphin who has been approaching fishing boats hoping for a free feed or pinching fish from their lines. Is there nothing down the port that doesn't ask for a fucken handout?

Round 28 Winner

Adelaide Crows, you lucky pricks. Any other week and you would have stitched up at least one of the awards. First you recruit a fucken plank like Kurt Tippett, then you pay him a good quid despite him doing fuck all. Then as his contract nears an end you offer him a bucketload of cash to stay. But wait there's more. In order to sweeten the deal they make a ' secret agreement ' that lets him go to the club of his choice after his new contract expires. Only problem was they didn't keep it secret because some dumbfuck put the details in an email.Oops. So the cunts have been caught out trying to cheat the system there but it gets even funnier when we find out the cunts have been rorting the salary cap as well to pay for this giant turd who makes Randall Bone look like Royce Hart. It was jolly good of you to contact the AFL to confess your crimes, but I'll bet you wouldn't have said fucken boo if you hadn't been caught you fucken wankers.I hope they throw the book, the kitchen sink, and the whole fucken house at you. Make all the excuses you want, plea for mercy, you can get fucked, take what's coming, I and other footy followers are laughing our fucking tits off. Eat shit.
The Eugene goes to former host of Jim'll Fix It, pommie 'entertainer' Jimmy Saville. Rumours have been abound for years that he was a filthy cunt who liked touching up young kids, and now he's done the world a favour and pegged it, it's been revealed that there are over 300 allegations of him being a kiddy fiddler. 300 for fucksake. The poms generally turned a blind eye claiming he was just an eccentric, just a fucken pervert more like it. They even knighted the cunt for fucksake. Not surprisingly the Catholic Church also bestowed 'honours' upon him, giving him a Papal knighthood in 1990, not sure what for exactly but with the track record of that mob they probably knew what he was like and gave him his Papal pat on the head for services to child molestation. So why was this prick allowed to get away with these heinous crimes for the best part of 50 years? Did he have dirt on others involved in the same disgusting practices? Or did people just sweep it under the carpet and hope it would stop,well the arseholes that knew are guilty, they could've brought the fucker down and did nothing. Many may recall Jimmy Saville as a personality, an eccentric, a character. The truth is he is nothing but a repulsive child molesting rapist. He deserves nothing in death but the revulsion of all, fuck you Jimmy, rot in hell.
So that leaves us with the winner of The Chad Medal - Lance Armstrong. 7 time winner of the Tour de France, cancer survivor, lying drug cheat. Which do you reckon he will be most remembered for? In a sport that's known for being as dodgy as a Craig Thomson expense account he is the king. He shits on David Copperfield, he's pulled one of the greatest ruses you'd want to see. When he won all those Tour de France titles people lauded him as a magnificent athlete, a beacon to all those who have suffered that you can triumph through adversity. What a fucken sham that was, he was cooked. And not only that, he coerced, intimidated and threatened others into doing the same. When fellow riders, doctors etc made accusations of him being on more drugs than Keith Richards he continually pleaded innocence, and said he was being victimised.But the truth has emerged, you're a crook, right up with such luminaries as Marion Jones, Ben Johnson, and fellow one nard and rampant drug user Adolf Hitler. So you think saying nothing will convince people of your innocence? Get fucked uniball the only reason you have kept silent recently is you know you're fucked and if you admit the truth you're in line for a stint in the can. So take your Chad Medal cunt, it's the only award you've earned for a long fucken time.